Archive of Our Own

When Yoongi wakes up, he knows Jimin is gone. He knows before he even opens his eyes. And when he does, it only confirms what he already knew, felt. It’s strange, he thinks as he lies there, his head pounding from all the alcohol he consumed the night before, his whole body sore as if he’s run a marathon. It’s strange, how much you can love someone to the point where they’re in every part of you, how much you love someone to the point where nothing you do can take them out of you. It’s strange how you just know when they’re not here, how you desperately try to fix it, that absence, to fill that empty indentation that the person left. And Yoongi tried, gosh he really tried. He really tried to be good to Jimin, to give him what he wants - wanted -, to be the boyfriend Jimin wanted him to be. And then he tried to be away from Jimin. And well. 

You don’t forget someone you’ve spent two years with in just a few weeks. It’s in every breakup book - he thinks, he hasn’t actually read one, he just knows deep down that it’s not how it’s supposed to be. But everything around him screams Jimin. The shampoo in his bathroom, the jar of kimchi in his pantry, the little plushie on the other side of Yoongi’s bed. The ghost feeling of Jimin’s hand on him, on his face. The echo of his voice in the silence of his bedroom. His whole place screams of Jimin, his own skin doesn’t have an inch that hasn’t been touched by Jimin. It’s been weeks but his body still remembers. Scientists have denied it, said that only the brain can store memories, but maybe scientists have never been in love. Maybe they’ve never been touched by that one person, that one person who could make every worry go away. Because Yoongi has, and he can still sense Jimin’s hands in his hair, on his back, so gentle, so sweet, the sweetest. And maybe that’s the biggest tragedy of it all, that his body remembers. 

He doubts it’ll ever forget. 

It ends like this. 

After a hot shower, he calls Jimin. Who doesn’t answer. Yoongi isn’t surprised. He decides to call Taehyung instead. 

“Hey hyung..” As much as people like to think, Yoongi knows people. He knows things about people, especially the little things, because yes, Yoongi is quiet, but he’s observant. He knows the tone in Taehyung’s voice, he knows what it means, he doesn’t have to ask. He just knows.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?”

A pause. A sigh. “I’m very sorry, hyung.” 

Yoongi nods, although no one can see him, and he feels empty. He feels like he’s been dropped in the middle of an ocean, and after hours of trying to reach the shore, he still can’t do it and he’s just bound to remain there, swept away in the current. Like an anchorless ship who can’t reach home.

“Thanks, Tae.” 

He hangs up, flops down on his bed. He turns his head towards Jimin’s side. Clean. Cold. Empty. Yoongi grabs the plushie and brings it to his nose. It still smells like him, and if he focuses long enough, he can hear Jimin’s laugh, the night Yoongi won the plushie for him. It was a hot summer night, and they were at the fair, and Jimin had looked wonderful under the coloured lights, like a fairy, with cotton candy sticking to his lips and fingers. Yoongi had kissed all the traces of it, until Jimin’s mouth was clean of it all, until all he could feel on Jimin was himself. He wished he could go back to that night, and stay in the memory. 

But maybe, it was never meant to last. Maybe they were only meant to have this time, this short time. Is two years and a half short? Yoongi doesn’t know, he only knows he wishes he had more of it, more of Jimin, wishes they hadn’t played all these games, and just loved each other simply. He wonders when it all went wrong, was it the first argument, the first time he punched that random guy who hit on Jimin? The answers never come, and Yoongi is left in a quiet bedroom. Maybe, that’s what happens when you have too much of a good thing. You just ruin it thinking it’s going to stay forever, but it doesn’t. And then all you’re left with are the memories and the questions. 

And for a love story that was as loud as theirs, with all the theatrics and little white lies and schemes and running together in the middle of the street at midnight, you’d think it’d end up the same. With words being yelled and cries and loud slams of doors, and tears and chases down corridors. But no, it ends in silence, the air heavy with words left unsaid. It ends with an empty seat at the graduation ceremony, and Yoongi can’t stop staring at it as everyone around him cheers for them. It ends with their group sharing a meal after the ceremony and everyone is laughing and joking but Yoongi can’t help but see the missing piece. As he sits there, surrounded by his friends, he desperately tries to remember a time where he wasn’t aware of that missing component. When he can’t, he tries to focus on his friends, their laughs and hope that they can fill the void Jimin left. It ends with Yoongi leaving his dorm room, his home for four years, and as he looks at the bare space, now devoid of him, he can still see it. How loud it was. How quiet it became. He closes the door slowly behind him, willing himself to put an end to this chapter. 

It ends like this. 

~ five years later ~ 

Yoongi is tapping his foot to the rhythm of a beat. He’s in the studio again. As always, Namjoon would say. And he might not exactly be wrong. But he has a deadline for this OST and this new kpop group the company has asked him to produce a couple of songs for is actually good so he wants to give them a hit. He hopes he can anyway. It’s only been one  year of being a producer, after a year and half of being an assistant to the senior producer. He’s lucky the company offered him a job after his internship. Now he’s writing songs and composing and producing for a few groups, and he likes it. The OST is for a girl group. He’s worked with them before, and he knows their voices and vibes well, but the drama is very far from their previous releases, so he’s a little stuck on that one. And that male kpop group he’s supposed to write a song for. Well. With a sigh, he leans back in a chair, feeling a little exhausted. That can wait till morning, he tells himself. It’s already close to 10 pm, and he really should be heading home. 

He decides that he is going to, and before his brain decides to stay for a while longer, he saves his work and turns his computer off. He gathers his things and closes his bags before standing up. His back aches from sitting for so long, and maybe he really should do as Hoseok suggested and use that coupon for a massage that his best friend got him for his last birthday. Yoongi smiles at the memory as he stretches his back; Yoongi had invited Seokjin, Namjoon and Hoseok for his birthday, as he always did, and the four of them had drunk and had eaten cake and they had given Yoongi gifts that were as subtle as they could be. A gift card for a massage from Hoseok. A book for self meditation from Namjoon. A weighted blanket from Seokjin, because apparently, he looks like he hasn’t had a good sleep in a while. Seokjin’s words, not his. 

Yoongi gets his things and locks his studio, before he leaves. As he heads to the elevator, he sees the poster for the annual end of the year party the company organises. He smiles as he thinks of last year’s party. Some people really can’t stand their alcohol. He shakes his head, chuckling at the memory and heads for the elevator. Down in the lobby he waves goodbye to the security guard who just sighs when he sees Yoongi.

“Yoongi-ssi, you need to go home earlier.” 

“This is early, ajossi.” Yoongi retorts, with a pout. 

The man only rolls his eyes and opens the door for him. “I guess for you it is. Have a safe journey home, Yoongi-ssi.” 

“Thank you, ajossi, good night!” Yoongi waves again as he heads for the bus stop. He hopes by New Year’s, he’ll be able to afford a car. He’ll try to see how much he’s saved so far and buy one that is environment friendly. He’s only one person but he can try his best to make sure the planet goes on a little longer. 

When he gets home, he’s met with quiet and darkness. He doesn’t turn the lights on immediately, just leans against the panel of the door, taking a few deep breaths. He feels the day starting to sink in and he feels so drained all of sudden. He only wants to go to sleep. But he needs to eat first, because he’s a responsible adult who can take care of himself, despite what his friends seem to think. So he turns on the lights, and moves forward with his evening. 

The next few days are more of the same. Seoul grows colder as they reach the end of the month. Yoongi doesn’t really like cold weather but the streets are a little less crowded so it’s somewhat of a relief. But he knows in a few weeks, they will be filled with all the people doing shopping for the holiday, all the couples buying gifts and all the tourists who always come around this time of the year. He hasn’t really had time to think of what he’ll buy his friends. He sighs as he enters the company’s building. He still has a little bit more than a month to think about. Christmas isn’t that close, he still has time. 

He’s reached his floor when someone calls his name. “Oh Yoongi-ssi!”

Yoongi turns and finds Seungwan, one of the senior songwriters of the company heading towards him. “Hey Seungwan-ha!” 

Reaching him, she grabs his arm and shakes him. “Yoongi-ssi!” She drags his name out and Yoongi laughs when he sees the happy look on her face. 

“Okay okay, what has gotten into you?” 

“Remember that vocal guide we sent for that artist in the US?” 

Of course, he does. It was the first real big project Yoongi had worked on after being promoted as a producer. Seungwan had done the vocal guide because the song required high notes and she had the voice for it. They had sent the vocal guide to a few companies after he hadn’t been selected for the company’s artists, but Seungwan had insisted they also try with foreign recording companies. Yoongi had shrugged and agreed because really, he was a little sad it hadn’t been picked up but he had thought that trying wouldn’t hurt. 

Judging by the smile on Seungwan’s face, he guesses something good must have happened with the guide. “Yes, I do remember.” 

“Well guess what!” He doesn’t even have time to truly guess, because she’s telling him. “It got picked up! By an American company!”

She squeals and it gives Yoongi a few seconds to process. Their guide. Got picked up. Oh God . “You’re kidding?” 

Seungwan shakes her head. “No, absolutely not! They’ve answered the email we sent and requested a video call. Yoongi-ssi, they want to talk to us. Isn’t that amazing?” 

Yoongi feels like he’s floating. Slowly, he starts grinning and soon enough both Seungwan and he are jumping up and down in excitement. They must look absolutely ridiculous, the two of them laughing like school girls in the corridor, but they’re happy. He’s so happy. 

Seungwan shows him the email, once they’ve both calmed down a little, and Yoongi can’t believe his eyes. It’s real, it’s actually real. His song got picked up, his words, his melody. Someone overseas thought it was good enough to be picked up. He needs to stop his heart from racing. This is so exciting. 

When they bring the news to their manager, the news gets him so excited that he decides that they should throw a party. Yoongi is ready to disagree because it’s just one step, but Seungwan and their manager look so excited that he decides to agree. A party is fun, and even if the song ends up not being sold, he deserves to have this. He deserves this moment. 

The advantage of working for a record company where everyone knows each other is that everyone knows each other. The downside of working for a record company where everyone knows each other is that everyone knows each other. So when by lunch, ten people have already congratulated Yoongi on his way to the cafeteria, he’s not surprised. He feels a little proud, and he really tries to tone it down, but hell, a song that he wrote and composed and produced made its way to the US and was liked by people there. He deserves to feel a little proud. 

Namjoon somehow feels even prouder. “I can’t believe that you kept it from me though! Me! My best friend is on his way to be a record producer in the US! Ah this is amazing!” 

He shakes Yoongi’s shoulders with a big grin and Yoongi lets him because he feels the same on the inside. But still, he can’t gloat now because nothing is a done deal yet. “Joon-ah, please.”

“No, I am not shutting up about this ever!” Namjoon retorts. “This is huge, we both know how hard to reach the american market is, especially coming from an asian background, so every step should be celebrated!” 

Yoongi knows his friend is right, but he wants to be cautious. Still, he grins because really, Namjoon is right. “Yeah, seems like the boss thinks the same as you. They’re thinking of having a party to celebrate it.” 

Namjoon beams at the words. “ I can’t disagree with that thought!” 

Yoongi chuckles, shaking his head. The more he thinks about it, he can’t disagree with it either. But still, there’s a feeling nagging in his chest. A tug, a sharp pull and he feels it the rest of the day, through the video call with the american artist and the producer, through the bus ride home, through his shower and dinner. It doesn’t leave him once and he doesn’t know what it means. He’s not sure he wants to know. 

Seungwan and Yoongi end up talking a total of three times via video call before the producer gives them the greenlight for the song. Yoongi had never thought that hearing the words We’ll take it would be so happiness-inducing, and yet, when the producer speaks them, it’s an overwhelming joy that takes place in his heart. Finally, after so long. All the long hours, all the hard work, all the songs he wrote and composed in the middle of the night. All the sleepless nights and long days at the office. All of it, it all paid off. 

Still, the heavy feeling in Yoongi’s chest deepens gravely. Especially, when Seungwan excuses herself after the call so she can call her girlfriend and give her the news. 

Yoongi feels like he should call someone too. A name comes easily to him, but he shakes his head, not wanting to dwell on it more than necessary. This is over, he’s moved on, has for a while now. He’s over it. He does call his parents and his brother and the call ends up lasting an hour, because he has to tell his family all in detail, and when he sees their grins on each of their faces, he can’t feel more proud than in this moment. 

With the deal settled, the party does happen, and it’s a relatively small bash, but that’s only because the company still has the New Year’s party next month, so they have to keep some money for that one, which promises to be a big one. There’s a lot of people, more people than Yoongi would have anticipated for a simple congratulations party, and his boss parades him around for a while, introducing him to senior producers and songwriters, and it’s a little embarrassing really, but Yoongi smiles and answers each question about his background and methods diligently. His boss pulls him to yet another couple of people, and Yoongi is tired, and exhausted, and he truly wishes that he could tell his boss to leave him alone for a minute, but he lets himself be dragged to be shown and fawned over some more. 

But as he approaches the next couple, his heart drops to the bottom of his chest. 

That’s the thing with knowing someone for so long, knowing them so well that you could recognize them anywhere, knowing them so well you know how each breath feels on your skin, how their feet sound when it hits the earth. It doesn’t matter how long you go without seeing them, you will always know. Maybe that’s why he knows immediately. He knows without needing him to turn around. 

But Jimin does, and it’s like the world stops but still spins, faster, and crashes and crumbles underneath his feet. It’s like the five years Yoongi spent without him amount to nothing, all the time he’s spent getting over him is useless, forgotten, out of the door in a single instant. And Yoongi has grown out of his antisocial phase, slightly, but at this very moment, he wants nothing more than to run out of the building and never look back.

But his boss’s hand is strong on his shoulder and it’s the only thing grounding him right now. 

Jimin turns around, and Yoongi sees the moment where it happens, the recognition, the memories flashing back. The pain. He sees it, and he’s not sure why it’s comforting to know that somehow, Jimin hurt as much as he did. 

“Jongin-ah!” Yoongi’s boss cheers as they walk closer to the couple. “Meet my new favourite!” 

Yoongi feels oddly ashamed at the new nickname, but then he does want Jimin to see how he’s succeeded. Because he has. He truly has. He’s a producer at a record company. He just got a deal with an american recording artist for God’s sake. All the tears he’s cried for Jimin? 

They mean nothing. 

“Oh so you’re the star!” The man, Jongin, says as Yoongi and his boss stops in front of them. He’s tall, taller than Yoongi, and he can’t help but compare himself to the man in front of him, the man who has a hand around Jimin’s shoulders, a place where Yoongi’s arms have been too. A familiar gesture but somehow foreign when done by someone else. He’s good looking, in a way that makes Yoongi’s stomach twist further and he hates this. He’s had a couple of drinks, but now he’s fully sobered up and he wants nothing more than to drown himself in alcohol. Maybe that way, he’ll feel something else other than this endless emptiness. 

Jongin bows as he greets Yoongi and his boss. “Kim Jongin. It’s an honor to meet you, Min Yoongi-ssi.” 

Fuck, and the man has to be polite too. “Pleasure to meet you as well.” Yoongi answers through gritted teeth. He tries, he really tries to not look at Jimin, standing there, next to Jongin, but it’s like they’re magnets, because the moment Jimin’s eyes turn towards Yoongi, Yoongi sees it and, brought by a powerful force, he turns too. And it’s awful, and amazing and warm and cold and comforting and gut-wrenching. Because Jimin’s eyes are the same sweet beautiful brown eyes Yoongi has lost himself in so many times before, but there’s also an edge to them, like they’ve seen things Yoongi doesn’t know about and it’s only a reminder of the five years standing between them. 

“Hi. I am Park Jimin.” The younger one says, and he gives Yoongi and his boss a smile and Yoongi wants to say that he knows, of course he knows. He knows because there was once a time where his name was always associated with Jimin's and he’s mourned that time for years. “Pleased to meet you.” 

Pleased to meet you. But this isn’t a first meeting. Hell, he knows Jimin like the back of his hand, probably better, but if Jimin wants to pretend they don’t know each other, then fine. 

“Likewise.” Yoongi says simply. 

At his side, his boss scoffs. “Come on, Yoongi-ah, don’t be so shy. Jongin-ah here is our new artist, we signed him last week. Hopefully, you two might be working together soon enough!” 

Yoongi wants to hurl. Jongin speaks before he can though. “That’d be amazing. I haven’t had the time to hear all the works from all the producers but I am sure you’re quite talented if you managed to get a deal in the US.” 

Quite talented . The words do not feel like a jab, but Yoongi takes them as one. “And I am sure you are as well if you got signed in the company. Congratulations.” The air around Yoongi is thick and he can feel Jimin’s eyes on him, and it’s getting too much for him so he clears his throat. “Excuse me, hyungnim, I am going to find Seungwan-ah, I just thought of something for the song.” 

His boss laughs loudly, too loudly to be truthful and squeezes his shoulder. “Ha Yoongi-ah, always the hardworking one!” 

The chuckle that leaves Yoongi is dry and he bows in greeting before he retreats back. He does scan the room, looking for Seungwan, but he sees her in the corner talking with her girlfriend, Sooyoung, so he decides to leave them be and starts looking for Namjoon. But his best friend is nowhere to be seen and when he checks his phone, he sees that Namjoon texted him earlier to tell him he has to leave the party. Yoongi smiles tightly when he sees the words Namjoon added.

 I am proud of you, hyung. You really made it. 

Yoongi reads them over and over but still, he wonders. Has he really made it? 

He leaves the party without a word, walking away from the business and fake laughs and forced praises, and when he finds himself in the streets, the light cold air of the city helps slow down some of his running thoughts. As he closes his eyes to inhale properly, he sees his face again. 

Jimin. 

He saw Jimin again. 

Opening his eyes again suddenly, he shakes his head. No. No. Not again. He’s over this. He doesn’t need to think about Jimin. No. Not how gorgeous he looked in his 3 piece suit and bright blonde hair and shiny jewelry. He doesn’t need to think about how more mature he looked, more grown. He doesn’t need to think about how soft his hair looked. No. Not that. 

Fuck. 

He needs a drink. 

When he gets home, he has half the mind to pour himself a glass of bourbon before bed, but he decides to take a shower first. The water burns against his skin and by the time, he comes out, the bathroom is filled with steam and his skin is a little flushed from the heat. He’s drying himself with a towel, when his phone rings. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he walks to his nightstand to check his phone. 

Yoongi gulps when he sees the caller ID. With a sigh, he answers. “Jimin?”

“You didn’t erase my number.” Is the immediate answer and it has Yoongi mentally cursing himself. For not deleting the number. For answering. For liking the fact that Jimin called him. 

But no. It’s over. For his sake, he needs to be strong. He can’t go back to these feelings. It’d only hurt him. “What do you want, Jimin?” 

“Can we meet?” Jimin asks, his voice still soft and airy, just like Yoongi remembers, just like he liked. Likes. 

It’s a bad idea. It’s been five years but it’s still too fresh. Yoongi can still remember waking up to his empty room after Jimin left, after Yoongi deceived him. He can still remember the hurt, the pain, the ache in his bones he had felt for days, weeks, months, afterwards. He can still feel it because it’s still here. 

“Why?” Yoongi asks. 

“We didn’t get to talk at the party. You left pretty soon.” 

Yoongi wants to ask how did Jimin notice. He wants to ask why did Jimin notice, what compelled him to care for Yoongi’s presence. It’s not like they are friends. They’re just exes, who had a messy relationship. Plus isn’t Jimin with that guy, this Jongin? Why does he care that Yoongi left and they didn’t get to talk? He doesn’t owe Jimin anything. They’re not together. They haven’t seen each other in five years. 

He shouldn’t. 

“Where?” 

It ends like this. 

The restaurant Jimin tells him to go to is a small one, almost out of the city, and the neighbourhood is quiet and dark when he gets there. It’s close to midnight and there’s no one around when he enters. The ajushi behind the counter greets him with a bow. Yoongi mirrors him and scans the room. He sees Jimin, sitting at the very back of the restaurant and Yoongi inhales sharply, bracing himself for the worse. 

Jimin greets him with a smile, warm and kind, and Yoongi wants to run. But he takes the seat opposite Jimin and sighs, burying his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket. “Why am I here?” The question seems more for himself than Jimin. 

Jimin only chuckles. “Hello to you too, hyung.” 

Hyung. The familiarity feels strange after so many years. Yoongi scoffs. “Oh, so I am hyung now.” 

“Please, don’t be like this.” Jimin says with a sigh.

“Like what?” 

“Petty. Resentful.” 

Yoongi looks away. Looking at Jimin only reminds him of the time he left Yoongi, of all the times Yoongi left him. Of all the times he came back. Because it’s Jimin. Still now. Jimin called and he came running, even though he knew he shouldn’t have. Addictions are hard to get rid of. 

“Why am I here, Jimin?” He asks again, trying to keep his voice steady. He glances around the restaurant, the empty space looking quite nostalgic at this hour. Yoongi wonders if Jimin has come here before, with someone. Or is it the first time. 

Jimin is staring at him, eyes inquisitive and searching. “It’s funny.” 

Yoongi turns back to him, raising an eyebrow. “What is?” 

Jimin just smiles, a knowing smile that claws at Yoongi’s throat. “Nothing.” He shakes his head. “How have you been? It’s been a while.” 

A while. A while . It’s been five years. Five years of Yoongi desperately trying to get over him, to stop seeing Jimin in every face, trying to stop finding him in everyone he’s slept with. Five years of tears and avoiding calls from Taehyung and Jeongguk because they remind Yoongi too much of their best friend. Five years of Yoongi just trying to mend his broken heart even though he knows he’s the one who broke it in the first place. 

It’s been five years of trying to undo all the trauma, all the bad behaviours, but Jimin doesn’t know that. So a while it is. 

“I’ve been good. Very good.” He lies. It’s been five years, Jimin probably can’t tell if he’s lying anymore. “I became a producer, I am working with a great team of writers and assistant producers so you know, things are good.” He clears his throat. God, he should’ve had that drink before he came here. “What about yourself?”

Jimin smiles, the same knowing smile as earlier and he slightly rolls his eyes. “You’ve never been able to lie to me, hyung. But that’s okay. You don’t trust me, and that’s understandable.” Jimin leans to the side and gestures at the ajushi with his fingers. Then with a smile, he looks back at Yoongi. “I’ve been good, been travelling a lot.” 

“Are you still dancing?” Yoongi asks out of the blue. There’s a glow to Jimin’s skin, the type of glow he always had on the days he would spend in the studio, dancing his heart away. Yoongi hates that he still remembers, that this glow still feels familiar, even five years later. He’s seen enough faces, enough smiles, enough shimmering eyes to know better. But when it comes to Jimin, nothing compares. 

“I am.” Jimin answers, still smiling. “I am part of the National Contemporary Dance Company, I’ve been the lead for two years now. Worked my way to the top and it’s been good. I like it.” 

There’s a remark about Jimin always wanting attention on his lips, but Yoongi doesn’t voice it. It comes from a place of resentment and pettiness, and right now, he chooses to listen to the voice filled with pride. “Congratulations.” He tells Jimin, and he means it. “I’m glad you got where you wanted. You deserve it.” 

And it’s true, Jimin deserves to be at the top. He deserves to be seen, to be adored, to be praised and applauded. He deserves so much. So much, and it hurts to know that Yoongi tried, tried so hard to give all of it to him but was never able to in the end. 

Jimin gives him a little bow, and his eyes are full of fondness, and again, or still, it hurts, it hurts because Yoongi doesn’t feel like he deserves it. Not when he’s deceived Jimin so many times. “Thank you, hyung.” 

The ajushi Yoongi saw earlier comes by, holding a platter and there’s some small snacks and condiments in little bowls, with a bottle of soju and two glasses. The two young men thank him before he goes and they’re alone again. 

“Don’t worry, food is on me.” Jimin says as he grabs a pair of chopsticks. Yoongi watches him as the younger grabs a big piece of kimchi, and eats it just like that. The image is so familiar; how many times has he seen Jimin do that, the same thing? But then, another question raises itself. How many times has Jimin’s new boyfriend seen him do it? 

He looks down at the platter, the bowls full of condiments, the other pair of chopsticks and it’s too much. It’s too domestic, too familiar and yet foreign and Yoongi shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be having drinks and food in the small restaurant at midnight with Jimin when the younger probably has someone waiting for him at home. 

“Jimin.” 

“Hum.” 

“Why am I here?” Yoongi asks for what feels the hundredth time, but is only the third. “And please, answer me this time.” 

Jimin’s movements stop, and he lowers his hand. Yoongi follows it and can’t help but stare as he watches Jimin’s wrist slowly being marked by the edge of the table while it rests there. It’s a silly thing, but all he can see is how Jimin’s skin slowly grows redder and redder where the table is digging in his skin. 

“I’ve missed you.” 

Yoongi’s eyes look up while his heart skips a beat for a second. 

I’ve missed you. 

Jimin missed him. 

Yoongi has been feeling like this a lot. He’s missed Jimin a lot in the five years they’ve been apart. Five years is a long time to miss someone. Five years is also enough time to reach out. And Jimin hasn’t. Nor has Yoongi. He wanted to. But pride is stronger than love sometimes. Guess that’s what has kept them apart for so long. 

“Pretty sure your boyfriend wouldn’t like you saying this to me. Pretty sure he wouldn’t even like the idea that we’re meeting right now.” Yoongi replies. It’s true, and it’s been bothering him ever since he set foot in the restaurant. They shouldn’t be here. “Does he even know you’re here? With me?” 

Jimin sighs and places his chopsticks down. “Jongin hyung isn’t my boyfriend.” 

Yoongi frowns. “If the next words out of your mouth are it’s complicated , I’m leaving.” 

Jimin shakes his head. “It’s not. We’re not together. We’re just friends.” 

“You didn’t look like you were just friends earlier.” Yoongi retorts, thinking about the way Jongin’s arm was lying comfortably around Jimin’s small shoulders. 

“It’s not what you think.” Jimin insists. 

“Then what is it?” 

Jimin sighs, and looks at his pair of chopsticks. He starts playing with them, spinning one stick around his fingers. He always used to do this, play with something whenever he would feel nervous. Some things don’t change after all. 

“I can’t tell you.” 

Yoongi scoffs. then moves to stand up. “Alright then, have a nice life Jimin.” 

Yoongi rises from his seat. Turns around. Buries his hands deeper in the pockets of his jacket. Takes all the steps required to get to the front door of the restaurant. Only once he’s outside, does he feel it. His heart breaking at the realization that Jimin didn’t try to stop him. Not even once, not even at all. He waits though, he goes to the bus stop, slowly, waiting for his phone to ring in his pocket, waiting to hear Jimin’s voice calling for him. But it never comes, not the ringtone, not Jimin’s voice. All he hears are the vague faint sounds of the city and the pieces of his heart breaking further in his chest. 

It doesn’t end like this. 

Yoongi is very hardworking. Namjoon and Seokjin like to call him a workaholic, but Yoongi prefers to be called a hard worker. His songs, writing lyrics, composing, producing, that’s how he managed to stay afloat all these years. It’s all he’s ever wanted to do, and now he’s doing it. It’s his therapy in a way, his way of coping with all the bad thoughts and emotions, a way to let them out. He needs it, needs this release in a way. It’s easier to deal with emotions when they’re right in front of you, on paper, rather than hidden in a corner of your brain nagging at you with an undying might.  

“New song?” Seungwan asks as she tilts her head to get a better look at some of the pages on Yoongi’s desk. 

He’s in the studio, with Namjoon and Seungwan, working on the final product of the guide they’re going to send over to the american recording company. They’re finalizing the lyrics and melody and hopefully, they’ll be done by tonight. Namjoon is sitting in a corner, writing down lyrics and humming under his breath, while Seungwan has been warming up her voice for the recording process. 

Yoogi glances at the sheet of paper she mentioned and shakes his head. “This is barely anything. Just a draft I wrote last night.” A draft of four verses worth of heartbreak laced with the lingering taste of whiskey. But he’ll call it a draft for now.

Seungwan hums, reading over the words. “It’s very sad..” 

Yoongi doesn’t comment on her words. He knows it’s sad. The words had come seeping out of his skin after his meeting with Jimin, and he hadn’t been able to keep them in, so he had taken to writing them to hopefully come out of it. He knows they’re sad but after coming home, the pieces of his broken heart wrapped around his ankles, dragging him as he tries to move forward, and that’s all he had been able to feel. It felt like he had been brought five years back, as if all of this time trying to mend his heart hadn’t meant anything.

Clicking on his computer mouse, Yoongi starts working again on his layering. “I think we can add some harmonies first today, and work on the main vocals last?” He asks Seungwan. She nods and keeps warming up as the trio all keep working on their different parts. 

By mid-day, they’re almost done, and Sooyoung, Seungwan’s girlfriend, joins them for lunch. Yoongi likes Sooyoung, she’s very extroverted and won’t be shy about anything, but she can also be very wise and calm at times. She reminds him a little of Taehyung in a way, and sometimes, he’ll find himself staring at her and wondering how Taehyung is doing. Yoongi was never particularly close to Taehyung, the younger only qualifying as Jimin’s best friend in college. But Yoongi always had a soft spot for him, and he finds himself wondering if the younger did confess to Jeongguk at some point. It was supposed to be a secret, but Yoongi could tell. With all the stolen touches, and longing looks, even a blind man could tell. 

Sooyoung and Seungwan are so engrossed in their little conversation that they’re barely interacting with Yoongi or Namjoon, hence why Namjoon feels like he can talk to Yoongi solely. “Are you okay, hyung?” 

Yoongi nods, munching on his gimbap roll. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” 

“I got a glance of the lyrics Seungwan talked about earlier.” Namjoon says and Yoongi’s small smile falls. “They’re very sad..” 

Yoongi doesn’t want to lie to Namjoon. Namjoon is one of his oldest friends, his best friend, lying to him would feel like betraying himself. Still, Yoongi answers. “It’s just a song I am working on for the next comeback of the group I am assigned to, Joon-ah. Don’t worry about it.” 

Namjoon nods, and Yoongi can tell that he doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t ask more and Yoongi is thankful. He’ll tell Namjoon soon. He’ll tell Namjoon about Jimin, when they won’t have an audience. When he doesn’t feel like dying at the thought of his ex boyfriend. 

It’s such a strange word too. 

Ex-boyfriend. 

Ex . In linguistics, the prefix means out of , or even from in some cases, although here it surely means former. Out of a relationship. Formerly involved. Yoongi doesn’t feel like this works for him though. He doesn’t feel like an ex-boyfriend. When he thinks about it, his relationship with Jimin was so messy by the end of it, that where the actual end started is a blur. Did it even end? Yoongi had been so quick to go back to Jimin when he had called last night, so reminiscent of their college days and their usual back and forth. 

Ex-boyfriend. 

Yoongi doesn’t like it, but that’s what he is, what he’s become. Jimin has a boyfriend now, despite what he says. And Yoongi is happy. He deserves that. With that in mind, he keeps eating his gimbap roll and focuses on the next steps for him. 

By the end of the day, Yoongi finds himself alone with the finished guide and about to start a conversation video with the american singer and the producer. Seungwan left a couple of hours ago and Namjoon only left half an hour ago. Yoongi teased him for leaving him alone with the foreigners but Namjoon only told him to be more confident in his skills. “You got chosen for a reason, hyung.” He had said. Yoongi laughed and waved it off but Namjoon is right, he should be more confident. So when the singer and producer appears on his screen, he doesn’t think twice about how bad his accent might sound or how some words might escape him at some point. English isn’t even his second language. Him speaking conversational english is more than they can really ask. 

“Hello Yoongi!” Julia, the singer, says, as she waves at the camera. Nick Monson, the producer, also waves. 

“Hi Julia, Hi Nick!” Yoongi says, waving as well. “How are you?” 

“Good, very good. We just received the file!” Nick answers. “I have to say man, your production skills are amazing, and this is just a guide. I am so impressed!” 

Yoongi gives him a little bow, then remembers that they probably wouldn’t understand so he shakes his head. “Thank you, this is very nice of you to say!” 

“I really like the girl’s voice too!” Julia tells him. Yoongi makes sure to remember to t ell this to Seungwan later. She’ll be thrilled. “She has a very soft and airy side to her tone. It’s very pleasant.”

“Thank you, I will tell her you said that, she will be very happy.” Yoongi says with a smile. “So everything is good for you?” 

Both Julia and Nick nod, but Julia is the one to continue. “Yes, but we also wanted to ask you something. Regarding your contract.” 

At this, Yoongi frowns. “My contract?” 

“Yes Yoongi, you see, we really like the guide you sent us and the demo you had previously sent is different and in all honesty, when we checked out your work with your company, we were pleasantly surprised to see the diversity in all your projects.” Nick explains. “And when I showed your work to my supervisors, they were all agreeing on the fact that we want you here in the US, working with us.” 

Yoongi’s mouth falls open in a mix of disbelief and confusion. “You.. I am sorry I am not sure I understand.” 

“If you wish so, Republic Records would like to sign you as a full-time song writer and producer.” Julia says, clapping her hands in excitement. 

Again, Yoongi isn’t the best at english but what on earth are they saying? They want to sign him? Him ? He only became a full in house producer a few months ago. This guide was just a side project for Seungwan and him, a fun thing they did and sent out to companies for the kicks and giggles. And now.. they want to sign him? 

“I.. I am..” He stutters, unable to voice his feelings properly. 

“You don’t have to answer now, obviously!” Nick insists. “But we would very much like for you to think about it. You’d be a great asset in our team.” 

A job in the US. A producer and songwriter in a recording company. Him, a small boy from Daegu. Him. Min Yoongi. 

This is insane. 

“I am very thankful.” Yoongi finally manages to let out. “When can I give you an answer?” 

“Well, right now, everyone is busy with the holidays and I am sure you have your own projects to handle. We also understand that this is a big deal and that you would be leaving a lot behind, so please do not feel pressured. You can give us your answer by January.” 

“January.” Yoongi repeats. It’s the end of November right now. He has one month to think about his future and choose what’s best for him. One month. One month may feel like a lot for some people, but right now, Yoongi feels like he could have all the time in the world, he wouldn’t be able to make the right decision. “Alright, I will tell you my decision about this by January.” 

Julia nods brightly at him. “Thank you Yoongi! And thank you again for the guide! I am sure it’ll top the charts!” 

Yoongi chuckles and they bid each other goodbye after some pleasantries then he’s alone once again in his studio. Yoongi isn’t sure how long he sits there, staring at his screen. Full time producer and songwriter for an american recording company. Him. A little boy from Daegu. 

Shit. 

He can’t believe it. 

Him? How even.. He doesn’t know what to feel, he knows he’s happy about being offered this opportunity but at the same time.. how? Without thinking, he grabs his phone and goes through his contacts before stopping. His finger hover over Jimin’s name, on hold. Gosh. Was he really about to call Jimin? Locking his phone, he drops it on the desk and runs his hands over his face and leans back in his chair. 

Yoongi wants to yell. At Jimin, for coming back into his life. At the world, for being so complicated. At himself, for not knowing what to do. Why is it that the only person he truly wants to call right now and share this news with isn’t his to call? Because Yoongi can’t call him. He made it clear last night that he wasn’t interested anymore. A half lie, but he can’t let himself go there. Not anymore. He already gave and took too much. 

So no. 

With a sigh, Yoongi decides to let it go for tonight and go home. He deserves some rest. He’ll deal with everything later, tomorrow. Right now, he just wants some soju, some fried chicken and to sit back on his couch and relax. Shutting everything down in the studio, he grabs his bag and locks his door on his way out. Waiting for the elevator, he wonders if he should call Namjoon or Seokjin to let them know about the news. Maybe they could help. Maybe Hoseok too. It has been a while since the four of them have hung out all together. He could use some downtime with his best friends. 

The elevator doors slide open and now Yoongi truly wants to scream now. Leaning against the elevator’s wall is Jimin, in all his glory, dressed in a black shirt and black slim pants with shiny boots. His dirty blonde hair is a little messy but still, Yoongi can’t qualify him as anything but gorgeous. 

At the sight of him, Jimin smiles in acknowledgement, but Yoongi clenches his jaw. To think that not only ten minutes ago, Yoongi wanted to call him, when Jimin was actually in the building. 

Stepping inside the elevator, Yoongi thinks the universe must like to play jokes on him. 

He turns around, keeping a safe distance from Jimin, and faces the elevator doors as they shut in front of him. Yoongi’s throat is tight with things he wants to say, but nothing comes out. Nothing can come out. They’re not friends. Right now, they’re nothing. Just people who used to date once upon a time. It hurts to think that at some point, Jimin really was the person Yoongi wanted to call for everything. It hurts to know he still is. 

Yoongi tries to glance at him sideways, but Jimin is leaning against the back wall, so Yoongi is unable to see him. They both stay quiet, silence filling the tense air between them. Yoongi wishes Jimin would speak, say something, anything. Anything to show that he still wants him, that he wants to try, to fight for this, for him. It doesn’t have to be much, just something that will help Yoongi to not feel bad for wanting to call Jimin. Something. Anything. 

But the elevator doors open again on the ground floor and Yoongi steps out in silence, and he hears Jimin waiting precisely two seconds before moving from the wall and stepping out too. Yoongi wants to turn around and ask him, what he was doing there, who did he see here, why did he not talk to Yoongi. 

But that’s what Yoongi had asked of him, right? 

To have a nice life. 

Yoongi had left without turning back and Jimin hadn’t followed him, and Yoongi can’t blame him. He really can’t. They’ve hurt each other too much already to even want to be involved again. Not that they could, since Jimin has a boyfriend. 

When Yoongi steps outside, it’s dark and he looks up to see a star-less sky. He feels sad at the sight, as if even the stars won’t give him a sign of what he should do, where he should go. So he sighs, and walks towards the bus stop, and as he waits, he stares at the nearby traffic lights, hoping that maybe, they will have answers for him. But his bus arrives and still, he doesn’t know. 

It’s a few days before he sees Jimin again, and this time, he has no clear exit in sight and he feels uncomfortable the whole time. He’s using one of the dance studios to practice vocals for this new guide he’s writing for the girl group, and he’s here because sometimes, his studio gets stuffy and he gets tired and frustrated from staring at the same vocals layers too much, so he had thought a change of location would be nice. 

Except the door of the dance studio opens and Jimin enters, a gym bag on his shoulder, hair tied up in a small ponytail and when Yoongi sees him, his heart drops in his chest. His first thought is that he’s not dressed properly. Yoongi is wearing sweatpants and a big hoodie, and tennis shoes. His hair is pushed back and hidden under a baseball cap. But then he immediately curses himself for thinking this because, why should he care what Jimin thinks of what he’s wearing? It’s not like he’s trying to impress Jimin. Yoongi highly doubts Jimin would care anyway. The younger has a boyfriend, so Yoongi is the last of his problems. 

When Jimin sees him, he still has a hand on the door and doesn’t move inside the studio completely. He’s obviously surprised to find Yoongi here of all places, but he seems to recollect himself pretty quickly. “Oh, hi hyung.” 

Yoongi hates the way the familiar honorific falls off Jimin’s lips, how it sounds in his voice. Jimin hasn’t called him this in five years but somehow, the way he’s been doing so lately sounds like he’s never stopped. 

“I didn’t know the studio would be occupied, I’ll go.” Jimin says and he makes a step to leaves but. 

“Wait.” 

He shouldn’t. Let him leave , he thinks, like all those years ago. 

Jimin freezes in the doorway and tilts his head slightly to look at Yoongi. 

He really shouldn’t. 

“The studio is big enough for the both of us.” He speaks up. “You can use it too.” 

Jimin turns his whole body towards Yoongi. “Are you certain? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” 

Yoongi should take it, take the chance and let him leave. Still, somehow, he’s shaking his head. “No, don’t worry, it’s fine.” He gives a nonchalant shrug and even adds, “We’re both adults, aren’t we?” 

Jimin nods at his words, and finally moves to close the door behind him, stepping into the dance studio fully. Yoongi watches him as Jimin travels to the opposite side of the dance studio, a clear sign that the younger is giving him space and Yoongi should take this as an advantage but there’s something itching under his skin, a feeling crawling under his skin like electricity. He shakes his head and tries his best to go back to the lyrics he was writing prior to Jimin’s arrival. 

He manages to focus for the total amount of fives minutes and forty seconds before he’s distracted by Jimin stretching. He is not even looking per say, but he can see Jimin’s silhouette in his peripheral vision and even though Yoongi has his eyes set on his notebook and the words he’s written, he can’t see any of them. Only Jimin and his lean body. 

When he dares to look up, he does notice that Jimin has definitely grown a lot and changed in the five years they’ve been apart. His body is still toned but leaner, softer. Yoongi remembers all the hours Jimin used to spend at the gym, working on building his muscles and no reassuring words from Yoongi or even their friends could make him quit. There are still muscles on Jimin’s body, definitely, but they’re less overwhelming. It makes him look more gentle somehow. 

Jimin turns his head towards Yoongi as he stretches and Yoongi immediately averts his eyes, mentally cursing at himself for getting caught staring. He hears a chuckle coming from Jimin, then that sweet, sweet voice he loved, loves , so much. 

“You can look. It’s alright.” 

Yoongi glances upwards. Jimin has turned his body fully towards Yoongi, and is now raising his arms above his head. It’s stretching his whole upper body, and it’s pulling the hem of Jimin’s t-shirt up, just enough so Yoongi can catch sight of Jimin’s bare skin. Feeling a sudden heat rising to his cheeks, he forces himself to look back at Jimin’s face. He’s seen this man naked, more times than he can count, and now he’s blushing at seeing a bit of skin? 

What on earth is wrong for him? 

He clears his throat, willing himself to be normal. “I am not sure your boyfriend would appreciate.” 

Jimin clicks his tongue. “I told you we’re not together.” He says, as his arms fall back to his side. “He’s not my boyfriend.” 

Yoongi wants to retort, wants to say something, anything that will let him move on from this. Because he can. He’s done it before. He can just take Jimin’s words for what they are, just words, and move on. He has a career to think of, he has other things to deal with. 

And yet. 

“Then what are you?” Yoongi asks despite himself. 

Jimin looks away and shakes his head. “I can’t tell you.” He repeats the same words he said a few nights ago and Yoongi feels the same way he felt then. Disappointed. Upset. But this time, he doesn’t want to leave. No. This time, he wants answers. 

“Is he not out?” Yoongi questions.

“Could you blame him if he wasn’t?” Jimin immediately shoots back. “Besides, I wouldn’t tell you if that was the case. Jongin hyung is my friend and I wouldn’t tell that kind of information to anyone.” 

Anyone.  

Now he’s upset. Dropping his pen and notebook, he stands up from his position on the little bench he was sitting on, and takes a few steps towards Jimin, while the younger watches him carefully. “I am not just anyone.” His voice is calm and steady but every fiber of him is raging with fire. 

How dare Jimin reduce him to anyone? 

Jimin holds his gaze. “But he doesn’t know you, and you don’t know him, so my point stands.”  

Yoongi tries to let go of his frustration with a long deep breath but it doesn’t work. Keeping his eyes on Jimin, he tries to see it, tries to understand why Jimin is so keen on keeping this man’s secrets if they’re not romantically involved. Staring at those warm eyes he knows by heart, it reminds of a time where Jimin used to tell him everything, secrets and dreams and wishes, his or someone else’s, it didn’t matter. How many sleepless nights did they spend sharing everything in the dim light of Yoongi’s dorm room? 

“You used to run to me when you had a secret.” Yoongi can’t help but let out, the truth tasting bitter on his tongue. It’s not meant to be mean, it’s just the truth. A memory he wishes he could forget, store away in a box and leave alone.

He sees the way Jimin’s jaw clenches and his eyes twitch. Still, his voice is steady when he speaks. “And you used to like when I was close to other men.” This is meant to be mean.

“We’re not kids anymore, Jimin.” Yoongi says, his heart tightening in his chest.

Jimin sighs. “No, we’re not.” 

Yoongi stares at him, at Jimin. Jimin and his beautiful face, small and plump and glowing and just so beautiful. How many nightmares has this face haunted? If Yoongi couldn’t see it before, he knows now, this is it. This is the end. 

It shouldn’t hurt this much. Not when he’s been through this before. 

“Goodbye, Jimin.” 

Yoongi turns away and after grabbing his belongings, he leaves the dance studio and doesn’t look back, and it’s painful but why would he? 

No one’s calling him back. 

It ends like this. 

He doesn’t know how he ends up there, but one minute, he is walking out of the company’s building, and the next he is walking in a street restaurant by Han River, ordering as many shots as he can. 

Anyone . Yoongi isn’t just anyone. 

Especially not to Jimin. 

His mind is getting clouded, thanks to all the soju shots he’s consuming. He knows he shouldn’t drink on his own, not here, not in such a public space. This could reflect badly on the company if he gets caught doing something embarrassing, but at this very moment Yoongi doesn’t care at all. He’s probably one of their best employees, he has the right to let go for one night. Just one night. 

He just needs to dwell in the pain for one night. One night where he can let himself feel, so he can move on. One night where he can drown his sorrow in alcohol, so they never rise to the surface again. He can’t have them resurface all over again. He needs them to go. Away. Far from him. 

Maybe he should go to the United States and work there and settle. Maybe this is a sign from the universe that he shouldn’t stay in Seoul, when there are still chances that he could run into Jimin. But why now? Why now, when he was doing so well? If Jimin had to come back, why now? 

He should leave. He really should leave. And maybe people will say it’s running away from his problems, but really, Yoongi has had enough. He’s just so fucking exhausted.

He doesn’t know when he starts moving from the bar to the sidewalk, but the street lights are blinding and he has to stay still for a moment, his body feeling like it’s weighing a ton. At some point, he feels himself falling to the side, and he winces as his body hits the sidewalk and he feels like a whole mess. And just the thought of this prompts him to laugh, the whole situation looking hilarious from his point of view - everything looks hilarious when you’re on the sidewalk and your brain is hazy from alcohol. 

He manages to sit up and his head is pounding and it feels like a punishment. Or maybe it’s just his inner pain being so overwhelming that it’s now manifesting in a physical way. 

Or maybe it’s just the alcohol. 

Rubbing a hand over his face, he tries to gather his senses. Pulling himself up to sit against the wall of the nearest shop, Yoongi searches through his pockets and takes his phone out. It’s only 9:30 pm but his body feels heavy with the pent-up exhaustion of a hundred years. He sniffles and he’ll blame it on the alcohol in the morning, and the phone only rings once before it picks up. 

“Hyung?” 

“I hate you.” Yoongi immediately says, tears threatening to fall. They’re there, and it feels like he’s holding back a vase from overspilling. But the tap is open and nothing can be done. 

Jimin stays quiet on the other line while Yoongi’s vase starts spilling. It’s as if time stands still on Jimin’s side, no background noise can be heard and Yoongi finds himself wondering if the younger is still at the dance studio, or if he’s home now. Jimin used to like playing music all the time, throwing random dance moves and bringing Yoongi to join him. Does he still do that? Is he dancing with someone else these days?

And Yoongi hates that he still remembers these kinds of moments. He hates that he still misses those moments. 

“I really hate you.” Yoongi chokes out. “So much.” 

“Hyung, are you okay?” Jimin asks, voice small and Yoongi can hear the concern in it. 

“You have no right coming back into my life right now. I was doing good. I was good without you.” 

Jimin sighs. “I didn’t mean to, hyung. I am sorry.” 

“You left.” Yoongi whispers. He can still remember it, waking up the morning after Jimin left. The empty air around him. The layers of pain overtaking him. The tightness in his chest. 

Another moment of silence passes before Jimin asks. “Where are you?” 

Yoongi sniffles and shakes his head. “Does it matter?” 

“You sound drunk. I’ll come and get you.” Jimin says. 

And Yoongi hates that Jimin thinks he can, that he thinks Jimin should. “You don’t have to.” 

“Just tell me where.” 

Yoongi doesn’t feel as drunk as earlier, maybe that’s why he tells Jimin. Or maybe he’s just weak, like he’s always been for the younger. 

Jimin arrives about fifteen minutes later, dressed in an oversized orange shirt and black sweats, and sandals. It’s freaking December, why is he dressed like this, Yoongi thinks, but then Jimin also looks gorgeous but he can’t voice that thought out loud so he stays quiet. Yoongi looks up at him, from his spot on the floor, he gets a déjà-vu feeling. This is awfully similar to their last night, the last night they saw each other. Right before Jimin left him. Yoongi wonders if he’s going to wake up in an empty bed when morning comes.

Jimin bends to get to his level and Yoongi lets him, lets him see it all. The tears stained cheeks, the pain that he knows is visible on his face, the fatigue of it all. Yoongi is a very private person in general, but even though he wanted to, he can’t think of a world where he’d hide anything from Jimin. 

“You look awful.” Jimin says. He looks tired too, and Yoongi truly wonders where he was when he called. Did Yoongi take him away from something? Was he alone? “Let’s get you home, yeah?” 

Yoongi just stares back at him, his tongue numb and heavy in his mouth, unable to voice thoughts. Yoongi can’t tell him that he doesn’t want to go home, can’t go home to a place that’s fully free of anything that reminds him of Jimin. Maybe he should. Maybe he should be in a space that will help move on, truly. But he looks at Jimin and all he can do is nod and let Jimin grab his hand to guide him home. 

Home turns out to be Jimin’s apartment, and by the time they get there, Yoongi has sobered up a little, and when they walk in, Yoongi is amazed by how homely the whole place instantly feels. Jimin doesn’t turn on the lights as they walk in, he just closes the door behind Yoongi and leads him inside. It’s not that dark, but since Yoongi doesn’t know where he’s going, and being a little scared of bumping into things or walls, he sticks close to Jimin, and he almost does it involuntarily. He tries to put a little distance between them, tries to pull his hand out of Jimin’s grasp but the younger only holds onto him tightly. And if Yoongi doesn’t fight harder, he’ll blame it on the alcohol and not his frantic beating heart. 

The whole place is silent, peaceful, and Yoongi tries to look around the place, as much as he could in the darkness. He makes out some photographs on the wall, and some bookshelves pinned to the wall, but then Jimin brings him to a turn, and Yoongi turns around to focus on the younger. Jimin pulls him into a room and only then does he let go of Yoongi’s hand. Yoongi doesn’t follow him, just waits in the doorway as Jimin walks further in the room before flicking on a small lamp in a corner. When light hits his eyes, Yoongi has to shut his eyes for a second and blink a few times before getting used to it. But once he can see clearly, he understands that he’s in Jimin’s bedroom right now. 

Jimin is standing now in front of a large wardrobe, taking out clothes. A bed sits in the corner, and Yoongi smiles when he notices it.

“What are you smiling about?” Jimin asks. Yoongi turns to look at him, and the younger is now walking towards the bed, holding a hoodie and some sweatpants. 

“You still have your bed in the corner.” Yoongi simply says. 

Jimin glances at Yoongi when he speaks, and a small smile, a sad one, takes form on his lips. “Some things never change, I guess.” Walking back towards Yoongi, he nods at his shirt. “Take off your clothes.” 

Yoongi raises an eyebrow. “Some things really don’t change, I guess.” He repeats Jimin’s words, teasing because of the sudden request. 

Jimin rolls his eyes, but the corner of his mouth tugs upwards. “You reek off soju and sweat. You’re not touching my bed smelling like this. So take your clothes off unless you want to sleep on the floor.” 

“I don’t want to shower.” Yoongi immediately says. 

Jimin tilts his question in question. “Why?” 

Because you made me shower on that last night, and although I was clean, I still felt dirty when I woke up and you were gone . 

He shrugs. “I don’t want to be a bother.” 

Jimin sighs. “Alright, but clothes still need to come off.” 

Yoongi would laugh at how bossy Jimin looks right now, but he’s half afraid the younger would actually make him sleep on the floor if he were to laugh. So he does as he’s told, quietly taking off his jacket and shirt and his jeans and shoes. Jimin turns around when Yoongi takes off his pants and Yoongi wants to ask why, because it’s not like he hasn’t seen him like this before, but well. Jimin hands him the hoodie and the sweatpants and Yoongi puts them on quickly. They smell clean, fresh, and Yoongi feels a little better after putting them on. Jimin then hands him a water bottle. Yoongi smiles as he takes it. 

“Still keeping water in your room at all times?” Jimin did use to have a water bottle in his room at all times, slowly making Yoongi keep water in his own room at all times. 

“Some things don’t change. Even after five years.” Jimin shrugs. He waits for Yoongi to finish drinking before he takes the bottle back from him. Then, again, Yoongi feels Jimin’s small fingers wrap around his and maybe the alcohol isn’t clouding his senses anymore but his whole body shivers at the sensation of Jimin’s smooth palm against his. He barely registers their fingers intertwining, warm and tight, and it feels too familiar, and his whole body sighs in peace, like he’s finally at ease. 

Yes, maybe some things really don’t change after all. 

Jimin brings him to bed and he helps Yoongi settle under the covers. Jimin turns off the lamp and then gets under the covers too. Yoongi looks at him, and Jimin looks at him right back, and they stay like this for a while, in utter silence and Yoongi feels like time has frozen, standing still for them. 

If he had felt like déjà-vu earlier, right now feels completely new in a way. He’s laid in bed with Jimin before, more times than he can count, and the last time they were like this, Yoongi didn't know it would be the last time. And the last time they had seen each other, Jimin hadn’t wanted to come in bed with him, rightfully so. And Yoongi had woken up alone, left, with a cold bed as the only remains of Jimin.

“Not sure your boyfriend would appreciate me being here.” 

“How many times do I need to tell you that he’s not my boyfriend?” Jimin sounds exhausted of having to repeat himself, or maybe he’s just tired of having to take care of Yoongi when he’s like this too. 

Yoongi clicks his tongue, but doesn’t say more. He still has enough alcohol in his system to go against his better judgement. He knows he shouldn’t be here, in Jimin’s bed, lying so close to him. He wonders, how many people have been there in the last five years. How many people shared Jimin’s bed, touched him, loved him, pulled him closer? How many people laid here in the same spot Yoongi is now and left their imprint in the bed? How many of them? How many of them did it take before Jimin forgot about Yoongi? Ten? Five? Zero? How many did it take before Yoongi became anyone in Jimin’s mind? How soon did it happen after Jimin left? How much time went by before Jimin kissed someone else, loved someone else? All of these questions only bring him back to what started it all. 

“You left.” He whispers. He doesn’t mean for it to slip out, but his thoughts are too loud, too overwhelming. “You just left me all these years ago.”  

Jimin sighs against his pillow. “I had to. We weren’t good for each other anymore.” A pregnant pause. “You slept with other people.” 

Yoongi’s eyes fall downwards, because yes, he had. And it hits him then, that it’s his own fault if Jimin left. Yoongi had tried to forget his pain by sleeping with other people and it hadn’t worked so he had tried again and again but all he had managed to do was push away the one person he truly wanted. Wants. 

“Would you have stayed if I hadn’t?” He asks, eyes stuck on the cotton string from Jimin’s sweatshirt. 

There are tears prickling in Jimin’s eyes when he answers. “Too late to turn back time now, is it?” He says and he sounds defeated. As if he wants to but he knows it won’t work. 

Yoongi doesn’t know what else to say, because no they can’t turn back time and there’s no way to know what would have happened if Yoongi hadn’t used bodies to get through the night. He remembers the first few days of being without Jimin, the loneliness creeping in, the boredom he had felt through the days, but the worst came at night. Because that’s the thing about loving someone so much, having them for so long. What do you do when they leave and you have to relearn how to be with yourself? How many nights did Yoongi keep tossing and turning because he missed Jimin’s warmth, so much that he couldn’t sleep? 

“Why were you drinking tonight?” Jimin breaks Yoongi’s train of thoughts and Yoongi looks up to meet his eyes again. It’s dark in the bedroom, but Yoongi can still make them out. He could make them out anywhere, there’s no world where he wouldn’t recognise Jimin’s eyes. That’s what made him fall in love in the first place. Those beautiful warm pools of dark brown. They were his downfall from the beginning. 

And maybe it’s because the darkness allows him to be vulnerable, a sense of ease in admitting his feelings when Jimin can’t really see him. He wonders if Jimin can still see him despite the lack of light. Are they still familiar enough that they can see each other through it all? 

“I wanted to get over you.” A whisper in the dark. “I am still trying to get over you.” 

He hears Jimin’s short gasp and the shaky breath he lets out. Maybe honesty hurts even in the dark. The tear falling on Jimin’s nose shines as it does, and Yoongi wishes he could catch it. But he stays still, frozen in place. 

“Are you?” Jimin questions. “Over me?” 

Yoongi wants to laugh because the fact that they’re here, in Jimin’s bed, so close yet so far, and still Jimin is asking is ironic. “What do you think?” 

“Do you really hate me?” 

And again. “What do you think?” 

Jimin exhales loudly and Yoongi feels it on his cheeks, on his skin, in his heart, the heaviness of it. Jimin’s hand moves closer to the collar of Yoongi’s sweater, Jimin’s sweater, and he hooks a finger around the collar. “Do you still love me?” 

It’s Yoongi’s time to exhale, shakily, heavily, knowing his answer will shift everything. “Jimin..” Jimin’s finger stills around Yoongi’s collar where it was pulling slightly. “We shouldn’t..” 

And yes, they shouldn’t, Yoongi knows this for a fact. With their history, you’d think they’d know better. 

And yet.

It ends like this. 

Kissing Jimin after so long feels strange. There are things in life you never forget, like riding a bike or how to tie your shoelaces. It’s those kinds of things, the ones you practice enough times, over and over again, so much that they’re ingrained in your head, that even after years, your body moves on autopilot, doing the familiar motions and it’s like you never stopped doing them. 

Kissing Jimin feels like that. 

Yoongi doesn’t really know who starts it, who leans in first, whose lips brush against whose, but once he’s tasted Jimin’s lips again, he thinks this doesn’t matter anyway. Maybe body memory is a thing, Yoongi thinks, because his lips move instinctively, like he’s never stopped kissing Jimin at all, like five years haven’t gone by and their last kiss was only yesterday. It’s still soft, it’s still gentle, it’s still everything he’s ever wanted in life and more. Jimin’s lips are still the same, plump and warm and Yoongi has to stop himself from thinking other people must have tasted them too. He just wants to enjoy this. 

As their kiss grows deeper, Yoongi feels Jimin’s fingers moving under the sweater, grabbing at his bare skin, nails digging and pushing and soon enough, Yoongi finds himself trapped with Jimin on top of him, straddling him. But is it really a trap if Yoongi doesn’t want to leave? His own hands settle on Jimin’s waist and there’s a little voice in the back of his head telling him that he should stop, that he should be rational and talk to Jimin first, that he’s skipping a few steps here. But Yoongi is wrapped around in Jimin’s scent, flowery and sweet and just so much like home, he almost feels intoxicated, high on dopamine. He never wants this to end. 

Jimin breaks away after a while, and when Yoongi opens his eyes, vision hazy and blurry, he sees Jimin’s lips pink and bruised and he can’t help but feel a little proud that he’s the one who did that. Jimin licks them wet, a slight smirk showing. “You still kiss the same.” 

Yoongi raises an eyebrow, but he’s smiling too. “Like what?” 

“Like you want me.” 

Yoongi rolls his eyes. “Cocky much?” He doesn’t know why he’s holding onto his pride when Jimin is right. 

Jimin chuckles but then leans in lower, and nips at Yoongi’s jaw with his teeth. Yoongi hisses at the small pain but then holds back a moan when he feels Jimin licking at the bitten flesh lightly. Jimin chuckles against his neck. “Why are you holding back?” 

Yoongi sighs, trying to not think about Jimin’s warm breath on him and how much it affects him. “Because I am not supposed to be here.” 

Jimin hums against him. The younger slowly starts wrapping himself around Yoongi, placing his arms around Yoongi’s frame and legs keeping him in place. Yoongi lets him, he even wraps his arms around Jimin’s back. He can have this. In the morning, he’ll leave and forget about it all, but right now, he can have this. 

“I really missed you, you know.” Jimin whispers, right near his heart. “All these years. I almost went back so many times, but I always stopped myself. I wanted to call you, text you, ask you how you were. But I couldn’t.” He sighs against Yoongi’s chest, and Yoongi doesn’t realise when he starts rubbing his hand up and down Jimin’s back. “We hurt each other so much, what we had wasn’t good, but.. I loved you so much, hyung. I really did. I never thought we were breaking up when you left me, but then you slept with other people and I .. I couldn’t stay.” 

Jimin’s voice is calm and steady, as if he’s come to terms with those facts and now he’s just telling Yoongi. There’s only a little bit of pain lingering in it, and Yoongi can’t blame him for it, not after what they’ve been through. 

“It was hard to leave, and going back home to Busan was only a reminder that you were home to me, you had been home to me for two years and now I had to unlearn how to think like that. I didn’t talk to my parents and my brother for weeks. I thought transferring to another school would help, and it did, sort of. But I still missed you. I still miss you, even now.” 

“I am right here, Jimin.” Yoongi says, tightening his hold onto him. 

“I know, but I still miss you.” Jimin sighs.Yoongi feels like there’s something left unsaid at the end of that sentence but if Jimin doesn’t say it, Yoongi doesn’t have to ask. “For years, I thought I was doing good. I travelled, met new people, dated a few, and I was good. I was really good. Then I saw you again.” A heavy pause that Yoongi feels deep in his core. “And it felt like an eternity could have passed and nothing would have changed.” 

Yoongi brushes the back of his hand over Jimin’s neck, doesn’t know why he does, he just needs to feel Jimin’s warmth on his bare skin, to make sure that this is real and that he’s not having another one of his dreams. He feels the exact same, but this is not his time to tell. 

“That’s why I called you that night. I wasn’t lying when I said I missed you. Because I did. I do.” 

“And I am here, Jimin.” Yoongi repeats. 

“But you left me once.” Jimin replies, and it’s not mean, it’s not disdainful. He’s just saying it. 

“And you left as well.” Yoongi says, because that’s the truth too. He sighs and pulls Jimin closer, closer than he already is if that’s possible. “We made our story so complicated because we didn’t talk, I know that now. We were young and stupid and probably too much in our heads the whole time. We couldn’t see everything wrong with the way we were acting.” 

He thinks about all the fights he got into for Jimin, all the blood he’s had on his knuckles for him, all the people he’s cursed and yelled at for Jimin, all for Jimin. Always for Jimin. He wishes he could apologize to them all, tell them he’s sorry, tell them he shouldn’t have, that there are other ways, better ways, to show someone you love them. He wishes he could apologize to Jimin too, for letting him think that this was the way he should be loved, with blood tainted kisses and bruised hands. He wishes he could apologize to himself too, for thinking jealousy meant love and that trust had to be earned through thrown fists. 

A long moment passes and Yoongi almost thinks Jimin is asleep but then the younger speaks up again. “Hyung?” Yoongi hums, curious. “Do you think we could try again? We’re grown now, we know better right? We can be happy.” 

Yoongi feels the air stopping in his lungs. Try again. With Jimin. Yoongi wishes for nothing more. God, he wishes they could try again, fall again with no fear of crashing, leave all of their baggage behind, and jump. He wants that. He wants that so much. 

But like Jimin said, they’re grown now, they’ve grown a lot in five years, and if Yoongi knows anything now, it’s to not make any hasty decisions on a foggy brain. So he just leans down to place a light kiss on Jimin’s forehead and squeezes him tightly against him. “I am tired now. Do you still sing?” Jimin hums in answer. “Can you sing for me?” 

He hears Jimin’s soft chuckle but soon enough, the room is filled with a soft tune emanating from the younger placed on top of him, and Yoongi feels like he himself is singing, as if every note Jimin is humming is coming from his own chest. How many nights did they spend like this before? Jimin singing a light tune and Yoongi just listening to him in complete admiration. Too many probably, but still, some things never get old and before he can tell, Yoongi falls asleep, at ease for the first time in five years. 

It ends like this. 

When Yoongi wakes up, his whole world is full of Jimin. 

He’s hit by the sweet, familiar fruity fragrance, peaches and vanilla, and he feels something running up and down his arm slowly. He can feel Jimin’s eyes on him, but he’s afraid to look, scared that it might be a dream, that if he were to truly wake up, then it would end. But when he does, he sees Jimin’s eyes, staring right into his. A slow smile creeps on his lips when he sees that Yoongi is awake, and Yoongi can’t help but smile too. 

It feels like a dream, one of those he had after Jimin left, one of those Yoongi had wished were real. 

But this is better than a dream. 

Yoongi doesn’t speak, half afraid that if he does, the bubble of peace and quiet surrounding them, wrapping them in a sense of comfort, will pop, and he doesn’t want that. After all they’ve been through, he can’t have that. 

Slowly, Jimin scoots closer, until his whole body is pressed against Yoongi’s, and all Yoongi can feel is Jimin’s warmth taking over him. Jimin’s hand creeps up to his neck, tentative, hesitant, his thumb moving into soft caresses. His eyes search through Yoongi’s, silently asking him something, and Yoongi sighs softly because Jimin doesn’t have to ask, doesn’t have to ask permission for something he’s always been granted, something that is only his, always will be his. So when Jimin doesn’t move closer, Yoongi leans in, nudging his nose against Jimin’s. The younger chuckles softly, and now with his answer, he leans in and finally captures Yoongi’s lips with his. 

It’s awfully slow, but Yoongi doesn’t mind it for a wake up kiss. This is the kind of kiss he loves, the kind where he knows he has time, where he knows he can indulge in the moment. It’s the kind of kiss that makes you want more, but still, there’s no rush, no hurry, and Jimin kisses him like they have all the time in the world. And Yoongi prays they do, god, he really hopes they do. 

Mornings with Jimin feel somehow different but familiar. When Jimin hands him clothes for  him to change into after his shower, a feeling of déjà-vu hits him, and it only hits even more when Jimin hands him a cup of coffee after his shower. He takes the cup and the coffee is exactly how he likes it, and he’s not sure if it’s surprise or comfort that overtakes him when he realizes that Jimin still knows. After all this time he still does. 

The morning passes by in a blur, stolen kisses over a kitchen counter, and when he leaves Jimin’s apartment, Jimin’s hand in his as he leads them out, Yoongi feels like he’s floating on a cloud, high above earth. He’s swinging away in the air like a kite, and Jimin’s hand in his is the line keeping him secured and tied to earth. 

When he gets to work, he’s still smiling from the kiss Jimin gave him before they parted ways. He’s still smiling when he gets in his studio and turns on his computer to start working. He’s three verses in writing the cheesiest love songs he’s ever written when someone knocks on his door. 

Namjoon’s head peaks up as Yoongi turns around. “Hey, you’re busy?” 

Yoongi shakes his head, and Namjoon fully steps inside. “I stopped by your studio when I came in but you weren’t here yet.” 

Yoongi feels himself blushing thinking about the reason why he was late this morning. Rubbing the back of his neck, he shrugs “Yeah, I slept in a little.” 

“Oh?” Namjoon is obviously surprised. Yoongi isn’t the type to sleep in, he’s usually the type to stay up all night, but today he did. He feels rested, even though he’s not sure all the sleep he got is a lot, it’s definitely more than usual for him. “Well, you do look a little more awake than usual, I admit. Did hyung’s weighted blanket finally do the trick?” 

Yoongi chuckles thinking about Seokjin’s birthday gift, but then he bites his lips thinking about how he fell asleep last night. A smile grows too when he thinks about how great his morning was. 

Namjoon sits on the small couch Yoongi has next to the wall and stares at him. “Okay, out with it, tell me why you look so happy today.” 

Yoongi faces him, swinging slightly in his chair,and he has to look down, hiding the grin that forms on his face. It feels weird. Feeling good again, feeling happy again. He feels better. Better than he’s felt in five long years. It’s like he’s breathing for the first time again, his lungs filled with new, fresh, clean air and he loves it. As if slowly all the lingering pain has left at long last. 

And that’s really because of one thing. 

“Jimin is back.” 

He sees the words reach Namjoon, sees the way his best friend processes them, and Yoongi sees when Namjoon is struck with disappointment. He tries to conceal it, which Yoongi is thankful for, but he also knows Namjoon too well to ever fall for it. “Oh. That’s..” Namjoon starts but the lies that were about to fall from his lips never come. He looks up at Yoongi and there’s worry in his eyes. “How did that come to be?” 

Yoongi sighs, thinking this is a long overdue talk he has meant to have with him. “Remember the party PD-nim threw when the song got picked by the american label?” Namjoon nods. “He was there, Jimin was there. That’s where I saw him again at first.” 

“At first?” Namjoon repeats a little louder than expected. “You mean you’ve been seeing him again?” Yoongi clearly hears the accusation in his voice.

“Just a few times..” Yoongi tries to defend himself, but he can see the many thoughts of Namjoon clearly on his best friend’s face. 

Namjoon takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. When he looks at Yoongi again, he looks less agitated. “Hyung, I know I have no right to tell you what to do, but are you sure about seeing Jimin again? I mean.. I don’t know what are your plans with him but you have a lot going on with the company and your projects and back in university, your relationship wasn’t the healthiest and I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” 

Yoongi smiles, because of course Namjoon would try to protect him now. Seokjin and him were really the ones who helped Yoongi after Jimin left after all. Namjoon knows first hand how bad Yoongi was for the first few months, the first year after that really? How hard it had been. How many times did Yoongi end up sleeping at Namjoon and Seokjin’s apartment because Yoongi couldn’t sleep on his own anymore. How many times did they stay over at Yoongi’s, taking turns in making sure he ate actual food and not drown himself in alcohol. Namjoon knows, and that’s why Yoongi doesn’t blame him. 

Because Namjoon is right. Yoongi does have a lot going on. He has a career to think about, he has many projects and deadlines, and he has to give an important decision to a foreign company in just a month’s time. 

Shit. His decision. 

“There’s something I haven’t told you.” Yoongi says. “I got offered a position at the american label company Seungwan and I sent the guide to. Songwriter and producer, full time.” 

The smile that breaks onto Namjoon’s face is one that Yoongi has seen only a few times in his life. He’ll never get tired of it really, it’s a beautiful sight and this time, he feels proud that it’s his doing. 

“Hyung, that’s amazing! Oh God, that’s wonderful!!”  Namjoon exclaims and he’s fidgeting with excitement on the couch. “When do you start there?” 

Yoongi shakes his head. “I haven’t said yes yet.” 

“What do you mean you haven’t said yes yet? Hyung, this is an incredible opportunity, you have to take it!” Namjoon retorts and Yoongi knows he’s right, he knows it. But still.. something is holding him back. And because in all these years, Yoongi has never been able to hide anything from Namjoon, he’s not surprised by what he says next. “Please tell me you’re not thinking of saying no because of Jimin.” 

Yoongi glances at his hands on his lap. “To be quite honest, I haven’t had time to truly think about it. Everything happened pretty fast, I..” His words die on his tongue, unable to cross the barrier of his lips. He what? He’s lost, he doesn’t know what to do. 

Namjoon sighs and nods and Yoongi has seen him do that enough times to know that his best friend is trying his best to collect his thoughts and pick the most careful words to reply. It takes him a moment, but Yoongi doesn’t push him. 

“What are your plans with Jimin?” Namjoon asks and Yoongi is a little surprised by his question, and when he thinks about it, he realizes he’s lost on that too. 

“I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it to be fair..” That’s true. Maybe last night is going to be a short-lived moment of haven and it’s going to be another memory that Yoongi will put in a box in the back of his mind. It’s nothing he isn’t used to already, he’s spent five years, pushing away memories in order to function. One more, one less. 

“I know I have no right of telling you what to do, absolutely none, but maybe, just maybe, don’t say no because you’re still riding on a euphoric high, alright? I see that you’re happy and that makes me happy too, but please talk about this with him? If you do decide to start again, then you need to talk about this offer with him and what that would entail for you and him.” Namjoon’s words are careful and when he speaks, he has his eyes set on Yoongi. 

He knows Namjoon is right, he knows he is. Yoongi knows he has to talk to Jimin about this, about them, about last night. It won’t be pleasant, it’ll probably be a long one but Yoongi knows it’s due. 

Later that day, when the sun has already set on the city and most of the people in the building have vacated the place, Yoongi is still in his studio putting the last touches on this song for the girl group when there’s a knock on his door. Turning back to his door, he frowns slightly. Namjoon left a few hours ago now, so did Seungwan and Sooyoung. He can’t think of anyone else who would come to him this late. Checking his phone, he sees that it’s close to 11pm, which makes this even stranger to him. 

And when he opens his door, he can’t help but wonder how. 

“Jimin-ah?” Yoongi whispers, brows furrowed. “What are.. How did you find my studio?” 

“Your name is on the silver plate by the door?” Jimin answers, pointing at said plate and Yoongi bites his tongue, realizing how stupid his question was. He knows there’s a plate with his name on the door.  Jimin chuckles at him, probably able to see Yoongi’s inner train of thoughts. “I was expecting a warmer welcome.” 

Yoongi shakes his head. He feels strange, awkward, and he doesn’t know why because this is Jimin. This is familiar territory, so why does he feel like he’s on an enemy ground? “Sorry, I.. it’s been a long day.” 

“Want me to make it better?” Jimin asks, a sly smile on his lips and Yoongi knows that smile, has seen it enough times before to know exactly what it means, what it precedes. 

Still, when Jimin takes a step forward and presses his body against Yoongi, and kisses him, Yoongi freezes in shock. He’s not sure why,, but his body reacts before his brain does and he kisses Jimin back instinctively. 

They stumble back in Yoongi’s studio blindly, Yoongi barely registers how Jimin managed to push him back in and close the door. He only processes what they’re doing when the back of his knees hit the edge of his couch and then suddenly Jimin is straddling him and-

“Wait.” Yoongi lets out, breathlessly. Jimin pauses, in between jaw kisses and leans back to look at Yoongi. His eyes are worried when he looks at Yoongi, brows furrowed and lips in a small pout. 

“What is it?” He asks in a whisper, gently. He’s not rushing and he’s waiting. He’s still on Yoongi’s lap and just that fact should be enough to tell Yoongi that they need to slow down. They have to talk, about them, about this, about Jongin and Jimin, about the offer made to Yoongi. They have to talk about so many things. 

But this moment. It’s so nice, just like last night, and Yoongi feels euphoric, like he’s riding along a rollercoaster and it’s only up and up and up. 

So he shakes his head, leaving the due conversation for later. “Nothing.” 

Jimin grins and leans in immediately to capture Yoongi’s lips in a full kiss, fingers tangled deep in Yoongi’s dark strands and yes, this can wait, they can talk later. 

Except they don’t. Days pass, and it’s a blur in Yoongi’s mind and his world is just Jimin and work and Jimin and work and there’s nothing else. They do talk, in between long series of kisses and embraces and Yongi learns a few things about Jimin, because things do change in five years but still, it sends a shiver down in his spine when he learns them all. Jimin doesn’t like spicy food as much anymore, and tries to stay away because of his stomach. Two years ago, he hurt his ankle during a performance and couldn’t dance for two months and it took him four more to be able to dance properly again. He got a contract as a seasonal dancer for a few k-pop performances and the label decided to keep him as a full-time in house dancer now. Jimin dated four people, and all of them barely lasted six months. 

“I kept telling myself I would love them at some point.” Jimin tells him one night. They’re in Yoongi’s bed, and Jimin is running one finger down the valley of Yoongi’s bare back, looking at him as he’s perched on an elbow. “But all that time, I was looking for you.” 

Yoongi turns slightly, and Jimin’s hand rests lightly against his hip. “And Jongin? What’s your relationship with him?” 

Jimin smirks. “You’re still cute when you’re jealous.” 

Yoongi rolls his eyes and slaps Jimin’s chest lightly. “Answer me. I deserve to know.” He’s not even exaggerating. How long have they been doing this? Two weeks? Three? Four? Yoongi can’t even tell anymore, but he deserves to know. 

“We’re just friends. He’s trying to make someone jealous.” Jimin finally admits with a sigh. 

Yoongi scoffs loudly and falls back on his bed with a loud, dry laugh. “Please, how old is he? Ten?” 

Jimin doesn’t laugh at his reply, and Yoongi understands quickly that he hit a nerve. “I am sorry, it’s just..” He grabs Jimin’s hand and intertwines their fingers together. “I don’t like knowing you’re with someone else.” 

“I am not with someone else.” Jimin retorts. “He never told the person he likes that we’re together per say. He just wants to make them jealous so they’d make a move for once.” 

“So you’re playing mind games on someone?” Yoongi says and Jimin pouts. 

“It sounds bad when you say it like that.” Jimin replies as he scoots closer and presses himself against Yoongi. “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s not real, but we are.” 

Yoongi thinks about the offer from the american record label. He thinks about how good Jimin feels in his arms. He thinks about his songs being heard throughout the world. He thinks about Jimin’s hand in his. 

He thinks about the history between them, the two years together, the five years apart and he wonders if this, whatever this is, is truly a new beginning. Or just another blissful interlude that will keep him warm and hopeful on winter nights. Or will it become bittersweet memories that rub him the wrong way like salt in a wound? 

“Will you come with me to the Christmas Party?” The question is out before he truly thinks about it, and he already regrets asking because he’s only going to be disappointed. He just knows it. 

Jimin’s finger pauses on his skin, the pattern he was drawing forgotten. “I am already invited by Jongin. I’ll be going with him.” 

Yoongi’s heart lights up in flames in his chest, his blood boiling but he stays quiet and only hums. He knew this would happen. Somehow, he just knew. It’s too good to be true, after all, and Yoongi has the feeling that Jimin and he were never meant to have good things. 

“Are you mad?” Jimin whispers, voice small and hesitating. 

Yoongi is mad. He’s furious. If Jongin were in front of him right now, Yoongi isn’t sure he wouldn’t punch the guy. But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that old Yoongi would do that. And he’s not that Yoongi anymore. He’s not. 

So he pulls Jimin closer and places a soft kiss on his forehead. “I am not. We should sleep now, it’s late.” It’s a lie, he feels it as soon as it crosses his lips, but he won’t ever admit it out loud, and Jimin doesn’t have to know. So he just runs his hand down Jimin’s back, and lulls the younger to sleep with an unreleased lullaby about someone with an unfinished love story.. 

But Jimin isn’t stupid, and when Yoongi doesn’t answer his calls or texts for the few days before the Christmas party, prompting the younger to stop calling altogether, Yoongi knows it’s going to backfire in his face in full-force. 

And it does. 

The night of the party, Christmas 24th, the top floor of the record label is turned into a party hall, with coloured lights and finger foods and a bar and everyone is wearing their best suit and best dress and Yoongi is laughing at a joke Sooyoung just told Seungwan and him when he notices Jongin and Jimin entering the party. 

If anything, it reminds him of all those late nights back at university where Jimin would find a somewhat handsome man to dance with, just to rile Yoongi up. Jongin has his arm around Jimin’s shoulders as they walk in and Yoongi wants to roll his eyes at how awful it looks there, but no. He’s not that Yoongi anymore. He’s grown, five years have passed. He’s not that jealous boyfriend anymore. He doesn’t even know if he can be qualified as a boyfriend to be fair. Those weeks of heavenly mirth with Jimin haven’t given him any clarity on what they were. Jimin had said he wanted them to try again. 

But can they really try in a situation like this? 

The whole night, Yoongi feels Jimin’s eyes on him. Everywhere he goes, he knows Jimin is looking. When he’s by the food table, or when he talks to Park Ji-eun and Lee Chae Young to congratulate them on their last recording session with him, or when he congratulates the senior boy group for their latest successful comeback. 

He feels them at the makeshift bar while he’s waiting for his drink to arrive. Then, they’re gone, but Yoongi doesn’t move because he knows what that means. 

“So you’re going to ignore me here as well.” Jimin’s tone is dry and full of accusation, but it only makes Yoongi laugh. 

“Wouldn’t want to disturb your little masquerade.” He says and he nods at the bartender who hands him his drink. 

Jimin has his eyes on him, body angled towards him, but Yoongi is facing the bar. He has no intention in turning towards Jimin because he knows that if he does, if he meets Jimin’s eyes, his composure will crumble. 

“If you’re mad, you could have said something.” 

“Would you have listened?” He asks, because yes, Yoongi could have said something, but what would Jimin have done? Would he have told Jongin that no, he can’t do this anymore because he’s back with his ex-boyfriend and that little game of theirs reminds them of what they’re used to do back in university and it just hurts too much? 

“Yoongi hyung, I..” Jimin tries. Yoongi hears it, sees it even though he’s not looking. He doesn’t need to, he knows Jimin enough that he doesn’t even need to see. 

“Forget about it, Jimin-ah. Enjoy your night.” 

Jimin lingers a little bit, obviously trying to say something. Yoongi waits, waits because he’s been waiting for Jimin for five years, what’s a few seconds more? But no words come and he feels cold when Jimin leaves his side, and goes back to Jongin or whoever he was talking to. Yoongi finishes his drink, watches the amber liquid at the bottom of his glass, and wonders what will happen. 

“So.” Yoongi turns and finds his best friend leaning against the bar. “He’s here.” Of course, Namjoon wouldn’t beat around the bush. 

Yoongi notices that Namjoon is looking towards the crowd, probably at Jimin but Yoongi can’t look. He can’t. Because he’s not twenty years old anymore, he’s not that Yoongi anymore. “Yes, he is.” He answers simply instead, and chooses to redirect the conversation. “I thought you weren’t coming. Aren’t Seokjin hyung’s parents in town?” 

Namjoon turns towards him and nods. “They are, I just came here to drop this.” 

Yoongi only notices then that Namjoon is holding something in his hand. A small box, wrapped in pretty glittery paper, and when Namjoon hands him the box, Yoongi feels the texture under his fingers and he runs his fingers on it a few times. It’s nice and grainy and when he looks, there’s some glitter dust on his fingers. 

“Hyung wrapped this, didn’t he?” 

Namjoon chuckles. “How can you tell?” 

“The neat wrapping gives it away.” Yoongi teases and Namjoon nudges him with his shoulder. 

Yoongi carefully unwraps the box, trying to not destroy the shiny paper, and when he opens the lid of the box, he’s a little surprised, because he had never expected this from Namjoon and Seokjin. 

A snow globe rests in the box, carefully nested in bubble wrap and when Yoongi takes it out slowly, he notices that it’s depicting the city of Daegu with a few landmarks and when he turns it upside down, small white pieces of paper floats down and it looks so beautiful. So simple, yet delicate, and Yoongi does the same motion a few times, and every time it feels him with a warmth that Yoongi feels deep inside his bones. 

“Why are you giving me this?” Yoongi whispers, eyes still glued to the globe. 

“Just so you don’t miss home too much, when you’re away.” Namjoon answers, shrugging as if it’s just a simple thing. Yoongi understands what he implies and right. The job offer in America. 

“I haven’t said yes yet.” Yoongi retorts. And it’s true. It’s one week until January, one week till he has to give his final answer. He sees the recurrent emails from the producer, Nick, and he sees the way they really sound enthusiastic by the idea of working with him. 

“I know. I also know you’ll make the right decision for you.” Namjoon says. 

Yoongi stares at the small Daegu scene in the snow globe. How long has it been since he went home? How long has it been since he stayed there for more than a few days at a time? Is he really going to leave it all behind? 

“I’d miss it.” Yoongi says, and he knows Namjoon understands. “I’d miss it if I go.” 

Namjoon hums next to him, because yes he does understand. “Your home will always be there, hyung. Wherever you are in the world, Daegu will always be there for you, just like Seoul. It’ll always be a part of you.” 

Yoongi thinks about it. About the concept of home. Yes, Daegu is home. Daegu is his childhood house, the backyard where his brother and he used to play. Daegu is his mother’s cooking and Sundays spent with his father and brother watching football games. 

And Seoul is university. Seoul is his first home away from home, and Seoul is nights spent making music in his small dorm room, but loving every bit of it. Seoul is Seokjin’s laugh and Namjoon’s crescent eyes and Hoseok’s dance shows. Seoul is his first job, his first song being released, his first success. Seoul is all the friends he made at work. 

Seoul is Jimin’s hand on his back. 

“I’ll miss you all.” He says, and he feels shy saying so, because he’s not usually one to be so open about his feelings, but this is Namjoon. 

“We’ll visit.” With a hand over Yoongi’s back, he pulls him closer. “There’s only one ocean between us. That’s not too far. We’re only a couple of flights away.” 

Yoongi chuckles, because yes, they’d only be a couple of flights away 

“So I guess I am going huh.” He says, tucked under Namjoon’s arm. It feels nice, how warm he feels, how protected, how safe. He almost wishes that Namjoon could come with him. Maybe he could talk to Nick, after he’s eased his way in, and convince them to hire his best friend. 

“You know what’s best for you hyung.”  

Yoongi wonders. Does he? 

When he approaches his boss, who looks like he’s already a little drunk and it’s only 11pm, he feels nervous. “Pd-nim?” 

When his boss turns to him, his eyes are glossy and his cheeks are positively pink and Yoongi almost wants to laugh because dear God. “Ha Yoongi-ah! What is it?” 

Yoongi clears his throat, holding the box Namjoon gave him tightly like a lifeline. “I have something to tell you.” 

Then, after one deep breath. “I got an offer in America and I am going to take it.” 

His boss’s face deflates visibly, smile gone in one second and it’s like his whole body takes the hit of the news Yoongi just told him. “You’re leaving us?” 

Yoongi gives him an apologetic bow. “I am sorry to announce it to you like this, Pd-nim. Especially tonight.” 

His boss sighs, shaking his head. “To be honest, I knew it was only a matter of time before one of them got to have you.” He steps closer and places his hand over Yoongi’s shoulder and gives it a strong squeeze. “You made us very proud, Yoongi-ah, I know you’ll continue to do so even on the other side of the ocean.” 

Yoongi feels proud, and even a little emotional and it’s by sheer will that he doesn’t let a tear out. “Thank you, sir.” 

His boss nods. “I can’t believe I have to let go of you. What if I double your salary?” 

Yoongi chuckles lightly but he shakes his head. “What if I triple it?” His boss insists. 

Yoongi laughs again, because it’s nice to be wanted this much. “ I am sorry, but I think nothing would make me stay.” 

Nothing. So much power in such a simple word. 

“Aish, Yoongi-ah..” His boss sighs, defeated. “Alright, then. Tomorrow is done for, but come to my office by next week and we’ll talk about the details, alright?” 

Yoongi nods and bows before turning around on his heels. He wishes goodbye and a happy Christmas to the few colleagues who are here, and then he’s on his way. 

Making his way to the lift, Yoongi wonders if it’s indeed the right decision. He stares at the little box in his hand, thinking about the snow globe inside of it. Home. He left Daegu when he was 18 and he’s been in Seoul ever since. Though Namjoon is right and home is always going to be Daegu for Yoongi, maybe, just maybe, home is just him. 

Maybe his home isn’t a place, maybe home for Yoongi is just him, and his body and it’s an ever-moving one and home is just that. Home is where his heart is, no matter the country or continent he’s in. 

Upon this realization, he feels a little lighter, because he’ll be okay. If home is him, he’ll be fine in the United States. 

Shit. He needs to sharpen his english skills though. 

The random thought that maybe Americans should be the ones to learn korean makes him laugh and he’s smiling when his phone rings in his pocket. He doesn’t bother to check the caller’s ID before answering, and he barely has the time to greet the caller that he already knows who’s calling. 

“You’re leaving.” 

Ha. Yes. Right. 

Yoongi sighs, and leans against the wall of the lift. He still has a few floors to go before he reaches the ground floor. “I guess you’ve heard.” 

“I did. From your boss nonetheless.” Jimin sounds mad, upset. Rightfully so, and Yoongi doesn’t blame him at all. He knows he should have told Jimin himself. He knows, but running away had seemed like a good idea. “Where are you right now?” 

Yoongi lets out another sigh, deep exhaustion settling in his bones. “I am going down to the ground floor.” 

“Okay. Wait for me there.” 

“Jimin-” He doesn’t have time to add more because Jimin hangs up. 

This won’t end well. 

Jimin arrives only one minute after Yoongi reaches the bottom floor. He looks out of breath, as if he’s been running. Yoongi turns to him and when Jimin reaches him, he looks like he’s one second away from kicking Yoongi. 

“How dare you?” Jimin says, voice calm but Yoongi knows he’s angry, he can feel the anger emanating from him. “So you were just going to leave? Without saying anything? Without telling me?” 

Yoongi feels bad for the next words out of his mouth, but it’s been in the back of his mind for a while. “It didn’t bother you when you were the one leaving.” 

Jimin frowns at him. “So what? This is just payback? Did you think you’d have a good time with me, reminisce about the old days and leave me so we’d be even? What the hell, hyung!” 

Yoongi shakes his head, silently disagreeing with Jimin. Gosh, this feels like a brush fire and he is not sure how to put it out. Or if he’s ever going to. 

“When did you get the offer?” Jimin asks, voice spitting venom. 

“About two months ago.” 

Jimin’s eyes only tell him what he was afraid of. “You knew. The whole time you were with me. You knew and you didn’t tell me.” Jimin sounds betrayed, and in a sense, he is. Yoongi should have told him, he knows that. But it would have only made everything more painful. He just wanted to bask in the bliss they had created for a few more moments. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”  Jimin questions. “You could’ve told me. I would have been happy for you. I am happy for you. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.” 

Yoongi looks at him, truly looks, and he sees how tired he looks. The skin under his eyes is a little darker than usual, even though there’s make up but Yoongi can still tell. Jimin looks like he hasn’t slept in days, like he hasn’t had a good night of sleep in a long time. It makes Yoongi want to hug him, comfort him, and take care of him and tuck him in but no. If he has to leave, he has to leave it all. All of it. 

“I just thought I would have one last of everything.” He tells Jimin honestly. “We never had that before. Back then, when you left, I didn’t know it would be our last time, our last night, our last kiss. For so long, it kept me up at night, thinking, wondering if those moments, those moments we didn’t know how to cherish were truly our last? So when I saw you again.. it felt like a second chance. A second chance to have those last moments with you.” 

“They don’t have to be our last moments.” Jimin retorts, and he has tears in his eyes, his voice low with sadness. “I meant it when I said I wanted us to try again, to be happy.” 

Yoongi feels his heart breaking in his chest. He smiles sadly. “I know. I wanted it too.” He takes a deep breath, bracing himself for what’s next. “But I have to do this. I have to do this for me.” 

A tear falls out of Jimin’s eye, and Yoongi so badly wants to catch it, wipe it, make sure no other tear falls, but no. He can’t. “So this is it. This is how it ends for us.” 

“I am so sorry, Jimin.” He says, and it’s the truth. “I really am.” 

Yoongi turns around and it feels like he’s walking down a plank, ready to jump off in deep waters, for the sharks of life to take him whole. He’s only a few meters when he hears it. 

“Hyung.” 

A pause. 

“I love you.” 

Yoongi wants to turn around, run to Jimin and kiss him, tell him he loves him too, but that wouldn’t be good. That wouldn’t be good with either of them. How many times has Yoongi wanted to hear Jimin say those words again?  He’s heard Jimin say those words to him so many times before, spent days in the memories of those three words in Jimin’s voice for so many years but even now, it feels like the first time. Years ago, those i love yous sounded like the soundtrack of his life and Yoongi had wished nothing more than to have it be that way for the rest of his life. But Jimin says I love you and it’s the worst thing he’s ever heard.

Five years ago, when Jimin left him in the middle of the night and Yoongi woke up alone in a cold bed, he had thought it must have been easy. Leaving is easy right? You just have to pack your bags, turn around and go. Never look back. 

An easy motion. 

But Yoongi packs his bags, and most of his belongings, and it feels like he’s putting away half of his life. He does so with a heavy heart and a clogged throat, and when he sends an email to the american record company, he feels like crying with every word he types. Namjoon comes by, with Seokjin and Hoseok and the four of them have beer and fried chicken in the middle of Yoongi’s empty living room, surrounded by brown boxes. It reminds Yoongi of university and there’s laughter and a lot of crying and if Yoongi has to spend his last days in Seoul like this, then he won’t mind. 

Settling things with the record deal is tough, tougher than he had expected and it’s a little saddening, saying goodbye to everyone. He’s really going to miss working with them, and when he signs the termination contract with his boss - after many tries from the older man to keep him as a freelance producer who would work for them on the side -, he feels lighter. He knows he could have kept working for them on the side, taken on some projects while not physically being there. But no. If he has to move on, to put everything behind, it has to be from everything. He does manage to squeeze in just one last song, a parting gift in a way, for the girl group he was mentoring. A song called « Period », and when they ask him why this title , he shrugs. « It feels appropriate. » is his only answer. 

His parents even visit, and they stay until he has to leave, driving him to the airport and everything. His brother calls him, praising him to be going to the United States the whole time. It has Yoongi giggling and laughing but he feels good. He feels proud. He did it. The little boy from Daegu did it. Yoongi hopes that his younger self is proud too. 

At the airport, it’s a cryfest, and he holds the tears in right until he turns to see his mother after he’s checked in his luggage. She’s trying to stop herself from crying but once Yoongi looks at her, she can’t hold it back in. And Yoongi can’t hold it back either, so they both end up hugging each other and then Yoongi’s mother pulls on her husband’s sleeves and the group hug turns into a crying hug and by the time they’re done, Yoongi finds himself having to rush through the whole boarding process. 

Once he’s carefully settled in his seat - business class, courtesy of his new record label -, he looks outside, and says a mental goodbye to Seoul, to all he’s lived there. His phone vibrates in his pocket but he doesn’t want to check it out. It’s probably his brother wanting to ask if he can introduce him to Beyoncé again. He lets the device go off, he just wants to stare at Seoul, one last time. 

“Goodbye Seoul. You’ve been good to me.” He whispers before looking away. 

When the flight attendant informs him that they’re close to take off, Yoongi settles in comfortably and turns his phone off, not bothering to check his missed calls. 

Years later, he will wish he had. 

It ends like this.