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Junsu’s punishment- in his mind- finally ended around lunch time that day. Sunggyu was sent off with more kisses. His spend had been long since dried from Euntae’s face, and with one man gone it left the two of them alone. Settling into just being alone together was difficult for Junsu.
“Is it okay if I--” Euntae’s voice, his regular one, dies off in his throat. Usually these questions were easy to ask, but Junsu could tell the other man was having difficulty adjusting too. Junsu didn’t know what he was asking but he nodded anyway. Euntae went back into Junsu’s bedroom, leaving the submissive sitting on his couch, alone. Junsu heard the water running, stopping.
It didn’t seem like long at all until Euntae was back in view. After years in the industry, Euntae was skilled at getting out of his stage attire and makeup in no time. This time though, it all seemed rougher around the edges. Junsu could still spot a bit of eyeliner on him, and the lip tint seemed barely gone. He wasn’t fully dressed down either, a loose shirt thrown over his frame, if Euntae reached too high Junsu swore he could see the thong still. The heels were gone. Junsu spent a long time just looking, as Euntae was in the kitchen.
The man finally drew closer, offering Junsu a glass of water. He had one himself, and he sat just within arms reach of Junsu. While Junsu took to the beverage easily, Euntae’s head hung low.
“You didn’t enjoy it, did you?” Euntae is the first to speak. Junsu sits there, drinking his water. He doesn’t know how to answer. “If you didn’t, that's okay. I just want you to tell me. I won't bring Sunggyu around again if--”
“It’s not him.” Junsu interrupts, “While you two were, I- I was just thinking a lot last night. This morning too.” Junsu can see Euntae’s expression out of the corner of his eye, “A lot of thinking about you, about us, myself.”
“Would you tell me?” Junsu takes another sip of his water, and Euntae takes his first. The offer is there yet Junsu doesn’t quite know what there is to tell. His thoughts were meandering and confusing even for himself, and seemed out of place for what had gone on. Articulating his thoughts seems difficult, but he tries.
He tries to articulate to Euntae it’s not his fault, or Sunggyu’s fault.
He tries to articulate how much he enjoys what they have.
He tries to explain his line of thinking.
He really tries, and yet, he can still see the hurt on Euntae’s face as he speaks. He tries to stop, to focus on Euntae, yet he is continuously urged to keep talking. And he does.
When he finishes, silence settles between the two. Junsu can’t take his eyes off of Euntae, analyzing every small move the man makes, trying to read what he feels. As much as his thoughts were a whirlwind for him to experience, Junsu can see the exact same effect going on with Euntae. The other man is just sitting, staring at the floor. His brow is knitted together in thought, lips twitching every time Junsu thinks he’s going to speak again. They sit a while longer, the tension in the room so obvious that every minute that passes Junsu is even more anxious for Euntae to put an end to it.
“I’m sorry.” Are the first words that leave Euntae’s lips after a long while. His lips are parted, moving silently, and Junsu is too nervous to hear what he has to say next to respond next. Long moments of silence stretch on before the man speaks again, “I wasn’t mindful of how deeply it affected you. How you perceive me when I’m- when I’m like that.”
Euntae is having just as rough of a time articulating himself as Junsu had, to the point he almost regrets voicing those thoughts at all. Just as Euntae had done earlier, Junsu encourages him to keep speaking. Yet, unlike Junsu, Euntae doesn’t have much to say.
“What would you like to change, to prevent this?” This is the first time in their entire arrangement Junsu seriously thinks Euntae didn’t listen to a word he said. He tries not to get frustrated, not when he can see tears threatening to fall from Euntae’s eyes.
“I told you,” Junsu tries to let it come across as softly as he can, “I don’t want anything to change. It is nothing you- or Sunggyu- did to provoke it. I like what we have.”
“But if you feel unloved-”
“I don’t! I feel loved right now; with you talking to me like this, with you listening.” Junsu stops to take a breath, and that’s when the first of Euntae’s tears fall. He can’t help it, he takes the other man into his arms in a tight embrace. That’s when the rest do, too.
They stay like that for a long while, until Euntae’s tears stop. Until Euntae lifts his head again, eyes blotchy and red from what had happened. He offers a weak smile that pulls at Junsu’s heartstrings. He closes the space between them in a soft kiss. Euntae reciprocates, his lips soft and warm and everything Junsu could ever want it to be. The circumstances that brought it on are something he would rather forget, but this moment he wants to keep forever in his memory.