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1 week until The Idol Festival.
Lately things have been changing a lot for me as I am realizing more about myself, not to mention balancing time for concert preparations and the movie project…
So I’ve decided to write these entries to collect various thoughts and reflect on some things to think about… To process what I want to say to Aya, what I want for myself… what I can understand about myself...
“A-anyone can dream! Even you, Chisato-chan!!”
Ever since we had that talk, I haven’t been able to feel the same…
The me of the past would never be able to consider the thoughts that have been on my mind and the feelings in my heart lately, but I can’t stay like this…
6 days until The Idol Festival.
I probably need to understand more what I’ve been through… if I want to understand where I’m headed now since unintentionally or not, I’ve tended to avoid thinking about my past actions beyond a certain point, and I feel it will help me, if I write about it now.
Since I became an actress as a child I have learned time and again. The best way to protect myself, to not get hurt, and to please others was to take the safest path, to be the person others expected me to be, to meet their expectations of me, and to be successful. Since people recognized and praised my acting that was the only path I could keep walking.
I tried to convince myself I had other better reasons for what I did, but each of them eventually faded away until I could accept that my choices were driven by that reason alone.
Around Kanon or alone with Leon for short pleasant times were the only times I was really free of that pressure, that need to protect myself.
That’s how I had planned to live my entire life, or rather that’s the only way I knew how to live my life. I told myself that those two things were enough for me to be able to keep on going like this.
As I had to since my mother and sister had both gotten too invested in my acting career and Kaoru had become distant since we went to different schools…
5 days until The Idol Festival.
I believe even someone like me can move forward even in the face of this hectic hardship for these recent days and the next several days… because I have them and I’ve learned from the time with them.
Though I might still have believed things the way the old me did, if I hadn’t met them , if I hadn’t met her . But everything started to change when I met her, Aya-chan.
At first the way she lived confounded me, yet it almost intrigued me… When I met them, all of Pastel Palettes, none of them were ashamed of their differences and their feelings… of being themselves...
Except for me, for a time I tried to convince myself I didn’t envy them, perhaps I even felt like I wanted to show them the “flaws” in their mindset in this industry, to make them understand why I was like this.
Until I couldn’t understand why I started feeling this way, but I couldn’t ignore it… I started to want to understand them… somehow I even wanted to protect them, but especially her …
4 days until The Idol Festival.
Things were exhausting today, especially Hina grilling me on the parts I was struggling with for our new song, so I’ll keep this one short…
I realize now though that I couldn’t have changed by myself, looking back I can painfully see how stuck I was then.
Despite my initial wariness of them, I found myself changing as I understood them, they influenced me bit by bit… By Hina’s energetic free spirit, Maya’s awkward expertise, Eve’s resolute kindness, and Aya’s hardworking sincerity.
“I think seeing Aya-chan work so hard made me want to try believing. Believing in hard work.” I could only admit that to Maya at the time, but I could feel that desire of wanting to change even back then when our re-debut live was approaching.
3 days until The Idol Festival.
Today... I actually accidentally let myself think about Aya a bit too much and got yelled at on the set once for it… I know it was entirely my fault to miss my line like that, but the director didn’t have to complain that much about it… it was only one outtake… I can’t allow that to happen again regardless, so...
Hopefully if I write about her a little today, I can manage that a bit better.
This memory just came to me earlier...
Back then after Aya had met her ideal idol in person, I remember letting the smallest bit of that envy that had been building up in me slip out to her and she said that to me.
“In that case, let's make Pastel Palettes your starting point! Let's make Pastel Palettes into something that you can be proud of and say that it's your starting point!”
It really surprised me, I couldn’t have considered that myself… it was too far beyond the ways I let myself think. I honestly doubted it at first for a while, yet I think that was when my feelings for Aya began to change. That eventually they blossomed to what I’ve felt for her lately...
2 days until The Idol Festival.
I got really frustrated today when I couldn’t get the last section of our new song. I was having trouble with getting it just right… even after a number of attempts… I even got Aya worrying about me...
That frustration reminded me of that play. Back when that famous director was very critical of my performance and got me similarly frustrated, yet they all supported me to the end and watched my performance in it…
After that play, I knew I had really changed because of them…
“I was glad that you were all there for me during that time. If I were alone, I don't think I would've been able to get over that wall.”
To say that to all of them and being vulnerable like, my direction in life had really changed even if I still had a large distance before I could even think of being comfortable with myself.
So I am sure I’ll be able to get over this wall too, because I have them… so I’ll practice solo just a little bit more tonight.
Day before The Idol Festival.
Today I ended up doing everything well for our setlist in our rehearsal, including our new song...
Everyone was really satisfied with it, so I am sure tomorrow will go well… Aya praised my hard work for not letting that frustration stop me… I really appreciate how she can see things so differently from me…
It reminds me of when we were talking about experiences from our first release event, she told me…
“Well, like how thoughtful you are, Chisato-chan! I think you're really good at being able to sense what people want or need just by looking at them! You can't just learn that, no matter how hard you try. So to me, you're a genius when it comes to being attentive!”
Aya was able to see even what I saw as only part of my bad habits, and put it in a positive light… that even that had given me something special...
And I thought with her by my side, maybe I could finally somehow accept myself on a day not too far.
Maybe that day will be tomorrow even…
If it is, then I don’t think I can hold back these feelings from Aya anymore.
Since today is more relaxing and resting since the concert is tomorrow they even avoided making me film today…
So I’ll take a bit of that time to practice out what I want to say to Aya… so hopefully I won’t feel as nervous… though I am still not sure if I want to tell her that or not...
Day of The Idol Festival.
“This band has brought color to my life. Right here, right now, this is my new starting line... That's what it feels like... Thank you.”
Those are the feelings that race through my heart during our final song and I realize Aya’s words have really come true. I feel like I could really change and start to value my feelings and my own self finally, after ignoring them for years.
Though after our concert, the rest of Pastel Palettes dissipates quickly, Hina is off to see Sayo, Maya wants to help the other groups backstage in case of any technical issues, and who knows where Eve ran off to.
So Aya begs me to come to the audience to watch the rest of the show since the festival is far from over and she didn’t want to spend it alone. I could hardly say no, since I know that I’d still be busy with the movie for another week or two after this…
So I gladly accept the chance she gives me to spend time with her. She brings us to a spot with a good view, that’s comfortably far enough from the majority of the crowd to not draw attention to ourselves.
She talks about every group we watch together. I find myself a bit impressed with how thorough her knowledge about all the idols is. It's informative and fun to listen to her thoughts on them between songs and she seems more than happy that I am willing to listen to her.
Eventually not long after the sunsets, the glow of the final encore songs fades away and with it what remains of the concert's crowd. Leaving Aya and myself more alone by the moment.
“That was an incredible day, wasn’t it Chisato-chan?” She asks, as she moves her hands subtly against mine, and I embrace it with mine.
“It sure was, Aya-chan. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it,” I say happily, as amazing as the other groups were, seeing them really helped me see what I value in Pastel Palettes more than ever...
“I almost don’t want today to end...” Aya says awkwardly with a small frown.
“We don’t have to let it end just yet, not until we’re home,” I say with a slight wink, hoping that she’ll go along with me.
“Huh, I don’t mind, but what... do you mean Chisato-chan?” Aya stumbles on her words a bit, and looks at me a bit lost.
“I could mean a lot of things, but I think mostly I just wanted to talk with you more today fufu,” I grip her hand a bit more firmly, as I try to press forward with my plan as calmly as I can.
“Uww… I already talked so much about all the groups today and we already talked about Pastel Palettes with everyone earlier… so I don’t know what to talk about…” Aya sighs and looks towards the ground.
The wind blows against us slightly it’s cool enough to calm me just a bit, “Don’t worry Aya-chan, I know what I want to talk about… it’s something I’ve been holding off on, but I think I can finally say,” I end up delaying the topic a little longer… I thought with all my nerves spent on our performance, I wouldn’t feel any now, yet… I try to not let her see it.
“Oh… that’s a relief. Though is something wrong, Chisato-chan? Your hand is…” Aya says, looking at me with concern.
I stop her there and look away and pull my hand away for now, “Don’t worry Aya-chan, I am fine.” Though I am telling her not to worry I feel like it’s more for myself… I notice how empty the areas around the stage have become by now…and feel how alone we’ve become…
So I look at her in return briefly though our eyes don’t meet, “Just thank you, Aya-chan.” It’s not what I had intended to say, but it’s all I can manage to avoid making things too awkward.
“Eh, Chisato-chan? Why are you thanking me?” Aya takes a small step back in surprise.
I had practiced how I wanted to say this a number of times, but saying the words right is harder than I expected… I wonder if this is how Aya often feels during her MC segments… I recall how awkward she got during the MC today and feel a bit more at ease…
So I begin, “Around Pastel Palettes, but especially you, Aya, I’ve felt like I could try to be able to be myself more without the pressure I am used to placing on myself. Because of that, I’ve been able to rediscover how to understand myself and how to express myself. I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go, but you were right about it being my starting point... Thank you for being yourself, Aya-chan.” I feel my cheeks warm up as I finish my thoughts.
Though Aya’s face turns far more pink. She takes hold of my hand and grips more firmly than before. She leans her head against my shoulder, “Ehehe… I am really happy that Pastel Palettes has become something precious for you too, Chisato-chan. Though I don’t think I did that much to personally help you…”
I shake my head ever so slightly as I wonder how she can see so much good in me, and yet overlook her own as much as she does… “Don’t be silly Aya-chan, you’ve done the most of anyone to help me, especially with your sincerity... It showed me how to live without hiding so much of myself away... That’s why…”
...I didn’t plan to say this… but with her so close to me and my heart racing. I couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to, “I fell in love with you.” So I let those words out of my heart and shut my eyes waiting for her response and gripping her hand tightly.
Before I hear any words I feel her tears on my shoulder, “Waaah!...” Soon Aya cries out “Chisato-chan!”
I feel her hand tremble in mine a bit, “Yes, Aya-chan?” I answer her, trying to stay calm for us, knowing if I look at her face like that, I wouldn’t be able to.
“Do you really mean that?” Aya’s voice is shaky, yet gentle and sincere…
“Of course I do, even I would never tease you that far.” I pat her hair softly with my free hand, it’s surprisingly smooth and soft to the touch despite how long of a day this has been.
“Ah… I am just... really happy cause I love you too, Chisato-chan.” Aya’s tears finally stop after those words, and I look at her once more finally and see her wipe the rest of the tears away.
“I was just afraid…“ She says, looking away from me, so I hug her and press my hand softly on her back, “Aya-chan, I thought you were long past being afraid for me…”
Aya shakes her hand, “That’s not what I mean… I worried I might hurt you or make things awkward or difficult for Pastel Palettes, if I told you, so I kept it to myself, sorry…” Her tone is unusually somber for the lively Aya-chan I know, though of course she’d worry about making things worse for us...
So I try to find the words that will ease her worries, “Aya-chan while I don’t know exactly when I would have been able to accept your feelings before. What I do know is that now you have nothing to worry about, since our feelings are mutual ok?”
Aya finally returns the hug as I feel her embrace me tightly, “Mmmh, yeah you’re right Chisato-chan, sorry I almost couldn’t believe it for a moment.”
“Just wondering, do you know when you fell in love with me?” I ask her hoping to turn the conversation in a lighter direction…
Aya pulls away from the hug, but takes my hand and nods. She looks to the stars for just a moment, “I remember it all too clearly, it was the day you tried to help tickets with me in the rain… no one ever went that far for me before… much less for the sake of understanding me, it really moved me, and made me see you as someone special to me…” Our eyes meet for the shortest of moments when she calls me ‘special’ with her sweetest smile and cheeks more pink than her lovely hair.
“Fufu, my, I didn’t think our Aya-chan had fallen for me that soon after we met. You always know how to surprise me. Thank you though, it makes me happy to hear that,” I teasingly reply to her, hoping to get her to overlook just a bit of my own embarrassment.
After that teasing our conversations fall back into our usual routine more as we start to head home together.
Since Aya is here to guide us this time, we head to take the train home together. I’d normally worry a bit too much to take one so late from a different place like this and would have gotten a cab, but like Aya… I just want a little bit more out of this special day together with her.