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It’s the bad memories that have the habit of holding on, of clinging onto their owner with a death grip so tight they become inescapable. They come in the form of intrusive thoughts, flashbacks so suddenly terrifying the body can’t help but quake in fear. When it comes to Bucky Barnes, however, memories come in the shape of dreams. They manifest themselves in nightmares that torture him with electric shocks and with the faces of those dead by the work of his own cold metal hand.
It’s a wonder he even tries to sleep anymore. His attempts always end with his sheets wet with sweat and his lungs crying out for help that never comes, but he tries anyway.
He tries just so he can see her.
In the midst of his nightmares like the sun peeking through the darkest of clouds, is one recurring dream. The sky is grey and the air is cold, he stands on an unfamiliar corner, the street signs and pedestrian faces nothing but a blur because they don’t matter. In that moment the only thing that matters to Bucky Barnes is the beautiful woman standing about a hundred feet away.
She always turns to face him, her lips curving upwards forming the most breathtaking of smiles as her eyes light up in the awe of his presence. Her gaze is pregnant with adoration, the twinkle in her eye shining a warm light so bright it melts the frost from his bones. There is no screaming, no torture, murder, or pain, just tenderness. Her face says it all.
She loves him, he can feel it.
He tries to walk towards her as the need to run into her arms, to envelop himself in her love becomes too much to bear, but each time his feet become stuck to the ground. He tries with all his strength to move, but the concrete below sticks to his shoes, preventing him from getting to her. He swears he can see her struggling too as their bodies twist and contort in an attempt to free themselves from the pavement below.
Then, everything goes black.
He never gets free, he never gets to take her in his arms, he never gets to have her. It always ends with heartbreak, but it’s worth it. Just seeing her face is worth the aching in his chest, Bucky would endure a thousand more nightmares over and over again just to bask in her warmth; to feel her love just one more time.
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The walk home from therapy is grey, the clouds above his head swirling in the wind as leaves crumble beneath his steps. The wind nips at his nose, causing his face to grimace from its icy bite. Bucky hates the cold, its frigid sting transporting him to a place surrounded by crimson snow and gut-wrenching pain. He normally avoids it, retreating inside in search of a source of comforting warmth, but today he wallows in it. He allows his nerves to grow numb under the weight of the freezing breeze, an attempt to soothe the pain that drives his feet forward and away from the suffocating loneliness awaiting him in his apartment.
He locks himself out in the cold because that’s where he belongs, and there’s no warmth to be found inside anyway.
He wanders the streets of DC, his feet guiding him with no sense of direction. His tormented steps lead him through narrow alleyways and bustling street corners, the passing street signs, and pedestrian faces nothing but a blur. Bucky has no idea how many turns he has taken, how many streets he’s walked. By all standards, he is completely lost, but yet somehow as he rounds this particular corner, his senses are flooded with a sense of familiarity.
The feeling causes him to stop for a moment as he takes in his surroundings. He can't quite place it, a sense of confusion crossing his mind as he questions why this place feels so familiar. His pondering comes to a halt, however, as his eyes land upon a familiar figure. A person in which the sight of them causes Bucky’s world to stop turning.
It’s her.
His eyes blink in shock, an attempt to ensure that what he was seeing wasn’t a cruel trick of the eye.
‘You’re dreaming Buck, you’ve gotta be dreaming’. He thinks to himself. ‘Oh God, I really have gone crazy.’
Then she turns, and instead of smiling at the sight of him her expression freezes in surprise. For a moment all they can do is stare as their definition of reality is ripped to shreds before their eyes.
Then Bucky feels his feet move.
The pavement that once stood as a trap now feels as though it is catapulting him towards a fate a thousand lifetimes in the making. Like a moth drawn to a flame, he gravitates towards her, the magnetic pull between them so strong that neither can resist the urge to rush into the arms of the other.
He feels her warm embrace encompass his freezing frame, their bodies entangled together making for a perfect fit. She reaches up to touch his face as if to assure he was really there.
Then she smiles.
That smile he’d seen in a thousand dreams, the one so bright it lit up the darkness, silencing the screams in warm deafening light. And for the first time in a long time, Bucky smiles too.
“It’s you.” he whispers,
“It’s me.”
She gently traces her thumbs over his cheeks wiping the tears that had begun to fall down his face. He pulls her in closer, his metal hand on the back of her head, gently guiding her lips to meet his own. The cold is gone, the clouds are no longer grey because the world can’t be anything but bright when holding a woman whose presence encapsulates the sun.
Bucky isn't alone anymore, and this time it's not just a dream.