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Illumi was sitting on Hisoka’s couch.
In Hisoka’s living room.
In Hisoka’s apartment.
Starting at.. the wall.
“Illumi.” Hisoka said as he leaned against the doorframe leading to his living room.
He didn’t move.
Didn’t flinch.
Didn’t take his eyes off the wall.
Hisoka frowned. One of those nights then.
“Illu,” Hisoka softened his tone, taking on a more loving approach as he made his way over to the boy on his couch.
He sat down next to him, gently pulling him into his chest as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “You wanna tell me what’s going on, dove?”
Hisoka lifted his other hand, carding his fingers through Illumi’s hair.
Illumi had went to visit his family today, while Hisoka went out to tend to a few loose ends he hadn’t managed to tie up yet.
The days Illumi visited his family were always like this.
The younger still had his eyes locked on a spot across the room, not wanting to look up at the other.
She was nagging him.
His mother.
He could hear her voice in his head.
‘“You may not be the heir anymore but Killua is gone right now! You have responsibilities as the only other Zoldyck with the power to take over for your father! You think your brothers could do that?! You think they could carry the weight of what it is to run the Zoldyck estate?! Half of them aren’t even old enough yet! Do you really want to ruin this family with your selfish desires?!”
Hisoka hummed to catch his attention. “Illu,” he mumbled, pressing a sweet kiss to the younger’s forehead. “Dove, you have to talk to me if you want me to help you. You’ll feel better after you let it out.”
Illumi tore his gaze from the wall, looking up at his fiancé.
Fiancé.
What a stupid word.
Only a stupid word could cause so much destruction.
Hisoka gave him a gentle smile. “There we go, dove. Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”
Illumi frowned, hiding his face in Hisoka’s neck.
He didn’t want to talk about it.
There was only one solution and he didn’t want to have to come to it.
He wanted to stay like this.
Here.
Just like this.
The older sighed, continuing to mess with his lover’s hair. He ran his fingers through it, untangling the knots and straightening it back out so it didn’t get more tangled as they slept.
“Illumi. Dove. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I need to know if you’re okay.” Hisoka pressed another kiss to the boy’s head, holding him closer.
Must of been a really bad day.
This wasn’t unusual though.
How could it be with a family like the Zoldycks?
Priding themselves on power and an immaculate bloodline.
Hisoka had no understanding of these things.
Sure he leveled the playing field a bit by training himself and climbing the ranks. He had power.
He was known by many, feared by many. But none of that knowledge or fear would reach the Zoldycks.
They weren’t afraid of anything.
Well, almost anything.
Since he’d starting seeing Illumi the mask had fallen off piece by piece.
He wouldn’t go into detail, of course, no, that was personal, but the Zoldycks were no where near the facade they put up when faced with the outside world.
Strong? Yes.
Fearsome? Obviously.
But, put together? A perfect family? No.
Never.
Illumi shifted in the older’s hold, sniffling a bit as he tried to hold in his tears.
Zoldycks didn’t cry.
Zoldycks didn’t have emotions.
They didn’t have ties or friends or accomplices.
They were born to kill. That’s all.
Hisoka frowned again, pulling Illumi up so he could see his face. “Illu, darling, what’s wrong?” He asked softly, bringing a hand up to wipe his face while the other still occupied his hair.
“Oh, dove, what did they do to you? I don’t have to go over there, do I?” Hisoka asked, tilting the younger’s head up with a finger under his chin.
“No.” Illumi pulled away from his fiancé, standing up as he crossed the room. “No. Hisoka you can not go over there. They’d kill you. All of them. You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
The magician stood as well, following his fiancé around the room til he stopped by the door. “Illu.” Hisoka reached out, taking the boy’s hand in his own.
“You don’t really think I’d let anyone other than you do me in. Right?” The magician smiled, pulling Illumi in close again.
Illumi felt his hair stand up, prickle at the back of his neck before it fanned out around the two of them. “Hisoka, this is not a game. You will die.”
Hisoka sighed, reaching up to curl one of the black strands around his fingers. “Calm yourself, dove. Just trying to lighten the mood. Will you talk to me now? Hm?”
Hisoka watched as his fiancé’s shoulders dropped, his hair following suit.
Hisoka dropped his hand too, placing it on Illumi’s hip instead as he kept him close. “Let’s move away from the door. Maybe back to the couch? Or the bedroom, if you’d prefer?”
Hisoka slowly led the younger back into his apartment, allowing him to take the lead as he made a beeline for their shared bedroom.
“You weren’t planning on leaving, were you, dove? Where would you go at a time like this? Surely, you weren’t thinking about going back home now? After what they’ve obviously put you through already.”
Hisoka stopped when they reached the bed. Illumi was starring again.
Not at the wall.
At the bed.
The older noted the blank look on his face. The empty light in his eyes.
He wrapped his arms around Illumi’s waist, humming as he kissed the back of his neck, his shoulder blade, his actual shoulder.
“Dove.” He whispered, squeezing him just a little.
Enough to let Illumi know he was there.
Enough to let Illumi know that he was safe.
This was their apartment. No one could get to him here.
Not even the Zoldycks.
“Talk to me.” He whispered again. “I know you’re not good with words, but I know you, I know your heart. I’ve got you, Illu, just talk to me.”
“Don’t call me that right now.” Illumi snapped, turning around. Sharp. Most likely unintentional, but Hisoka knew that already.
Hisoka hummed, letting the younger go as he wished. “Dove. My darling.” He mumbled. “That better? Easier? I need you to tell me, honey, I can’t make this go away if I don’t know what it is.”
Illumi bit his lip, looking down at the ground as the tears came flooding back.
He wasn’t supposed to do this.
He wasn’t allowed to do this.
Crying.
Making friends.
Falling in Love.
Weaknesses. That’s all those things were.
“I - I can’t, Hisoka.” The younger gritted, finally getting the words out.
He’d been doing this too much.
Confiding in someone. Crying to someone.
He was losing his edge.
He was becoming weak.
“Sure you can, darling. We’ve talked about this.” Hisoka took the chance, reaching out for his fiancé again.
He grabbed him, pulling him back into his chest.
Hisoka didn’t understand why the younger kept pulling away when he knew full well Hisoka was just going to pull him back in the second he broke.
“You can talk about whatever you want when you’re with me. I’m that exception, right? I’ve got you. You think I’d let them clip you’re wings like that, my bird? You’re safe here.”
Illumi should know by now that Hisoka wasn’t going to let this go.
Not with him visibly upset like this.
He’d do anything and everything to get his dove to smile again.
Illumi scrunched his nose, feeling the tears slip down his cheeks as his face was pressed into Hisoka’s shoulder.
The magician sighed lightly, and Illumi felt another kiss pressed to his head, and again on his temple. “Was it your mom?” He mumbled.
“Was she pestering you again, darling? Or was it Silva this time? He doesn’t comment much on your decisions, but I know it’s usually harder on you when he does.”
Illumi tensed in his fiancé’s arms and Hisoka hummed again. “Ah, so I’ve hit the targets, but which one is it? Or is it both? Don’t tell me they both went at you. I’ll actually have to go over there.”
Illumi tensed again, looking up this time. “You will do no such thing.”
Hisoka smiled only a little as he looked down. “Oh, but, won’t I? How else would I figure out what’s wrong with my dove? If he won’t tell me himself then I have no choice but to ask his captors.”
Illumi could still feel the tears leaving his eyes as Hisoka brought a hand up to cradle his face, swiping them away again with his thumb. “You want to tell me what’s bothering you now? I promise I’ll make it go away, then you won’t be upset anymore.”
Illumi bit his lip again, hard, and closed his eyes.
The magician clicked his tongue, moving his thumb to gently pull the others lip from between his teeth. “You do not need to harm yourself when I’m right here. Take it out on me, if that’s what you need.”
Illumi’s hair fanned out again as he slapped Hisoka’s hand away. “That’s not what I need! Why would I-“
“Then tell me what you need, dove.” Hisoka interrupted, ignoring how Illumi was trying to push him out when he needed to be letting him in.
“What did they do to you, darling? What did they say that’s got you so upset?” Hisoka went to brush his fiancé’s hair down again, knowing very well he was the only one that could do this without being absolutely obliterated.
He curled it between his fingers, untangling the knots once again as Illumi composed himself.
Where hisoka got the patience for this every time he visited his parents Illumi didn’t know, but he was grateful.
Everyone else usually left him alone by now.
He would go out and do the only thing he knew how to do.
Kill.
Repress his emotions and eliminate until the only thoughts clouding his brain were the blood on his hands, in his hair, under his nails, on his clothes.
No more disappointed fathers and non approving mothers.
No more screaming or punishments if they saw fit.
Nothing.
Just the blood.
He was itching. Right now, it was hard to hold himself back.
It would all be over so quick.
A few simple movements and he could be gone.
Out of the apartment. Away from YorkNew.
It was harder to leave Hisoka though.
The only thing harder than holding himself back was leaving Hisoka.
So, he had to open up. He didn’t really have much of a choice.
Unless he was going to leave for the night, or the next few nights.
“Selfish desire.” Illumi mumbled, drawing Hisoka’s attention away from detangling his hair and back to the problem at hand.
“Hm?” The magician tilted his head, looking intently at his lover.
Illumi frowned, finally allowing himself to fall into the other. Hisoka caught him. He always would.
“That’s what she called you.” Illumi started again. “She called you a selfish desire..”
Illumi paused for a moment, fisting his hand in his fiancé’s shirt. “I’m a Zoldyck. I don’t have desires. We don’t desire anything. We don’t want for anything. We already have everything.”
Hisoka hummed, wrapping an arm back around Illumi’s waist to hold him up. “You’re allowed to want things, dove. It’s human nature.”
“I’m not-“
Illumi was cut off again. Hisoka wasn’t going to hear it.
“Don’t. You’re human, Illumi. Flesh and bone. You’re not invincible, as much as your family tries to brainwash you that you are, you are not.”
“You’re not a tool. Or a killing machine. Or some kind of homicidal robot. As much as you think you are, dove, I know you.”
Hisoka paused as Illumi pulled his face from his chest, looking up. “That’s all I know how to do.”
Hisoka shook his head, humming as he started to sway them lightly. “Mm, no, I don’t think that’s true. You know how to love too. Right, dove? You love me.”
Illumi froze, but Hisoka kept swaying them. He stayed looking up at the magician, searching his face for any sign of a lie or something he could pick apart.
There was nothing. Just his fiancé. A small smile once again plastered on his face.
Love.
He could love.
He loved hisoka.
“I’m a Zoldyck. I am not capable of love.” Illumi finally answered. He whispered it, hating the taste of the words as they rolled off his tongue.
Hisoka smiled wider this time. It confused Illumi. Was part of what he’d said deserving of a smile?
“I’ll just have to make you a Morrow then. Won’t I, dove? Release you from this thing you call familial responsibility.” Hisoka raised his eyebrows, watching as Illumi let his words process.
The younger shook his head, trying to pull away but Hisoka wasn’t letting go this time. “Right, darling? Or did you think I was going to take your last name? Oh yeah, your parents would really kill me then. Wouldn’t they?”
Illumi froze again, looking down at the ground. “I - I just assumed we’d stay fiancés. No, uh, no name changes.” He said quietly.
What was going on?
Why did he like the sound of that so much?
He couldn’t give up the Zoldyck name. Not really. And there was definitely no way Hisoka would ever be welcomed to the family.
“What? Darling,” Hisoka chuckled. “You’re telling me you thought I was just going to propose to you and not give you a wedding? No ceremony? I obviously can’t take the Zoldyck name, so the only other way to do it is to make you a Morrow.”
Illumi let the words turn over in his mind. Wedding. Propose. Morrow.
Wedding.
Wedding.
“We can not invite my parents.” Illumi said quickly, almost in a panic as he looked back up at his fiancé.
Hisoka chuckled, shaking his head as he pulled Illumi closer, reveling in the way the younger easily slid his arms around hisoka’s neck.
Finally.
“No, no. Definitely not. I think they’d kill the both of us once they found out you’ll be the one changing their name.”
Hisoka smiled again, starting to trace small patterns into Illumi’s back. “Don’t worry, dove. I’ll take care of you. You’ve grown up, fled the nest, you can fly now, darling. No one’s clipping your wings this time.”
Illumi breathed in, pulling the magician closer to his face. “I do love you, Hisoka.”
Hisoka kissed the younger gently, glad they figured that out. “And I love you, dear.”
Illumi couldn’t stop the airy laugh that escaped his lips.
Hisoka always made things so easy. He wondered why he needed Hisoka to explain things for him to understand.
Perhaps because his perception was so different from Illumi’s own.
An outsider looking in.
He’d never thought someone from the outside would understand, but here he was, holding Illumi like a prized possession, caring and loving and able to see through this plastic film Illumi had wrapped his life in.
“I take it you’re feeling better now? Mommy and daddy’s words don’t seem to be plaguing you anymore.” Hisoka joked, smiling as he watched his soon to be husband roll his eyes.
“Shut up, clown.” Illumi mumbled, resting his head in the crook of Hisoka’s neck, leaving tiny kisses across his collar bone before burying his face into the skin.
Hisoka cleared his throat as he took a few steps to lead them to the bed. “Magician. Darling.”
Illumi hummed, slipping into bed with the older, resting his head on his chest. “I like clown better.”