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*Merill and me at Herald’s Rest*
Hawke walks by and I already feel my face heat up. I turn to look deep into my mug and only listen to his interaction with Bull right after he greets Merrill with a bright: Hi Merrill!
’Hi Hawke.’ – she replies equally brightly and I feel a pang of jelousy that he recognizes her and treats her with so much care… that he actually says hello. Okay, this is a pathetic level of desperation.
I use my pointy ear to listen to him chat with Bull about the new armour set he acquired during the last raid on bandits. He is just as cool and witty as usually, joking about his own armour that he considers a little worn, a little rusty but ’at least it’s not making me itchy in places I didn’t even know existed until the formal Orlesian attire.’
’He won’t notice you like that.’ –Merill sneakily talks right next to my ear.
’What?’
’Hawke. He won’t see your face from the other end of the mug.’
I blush furiously. That voice is too LOUD!
’Tone it down, Merrill. He isn’t… he shouldn’t be forced to notice me. If he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t…’
’But that’s not the case! Why would you think that?’
’He just… he is so friendly with everyone. Except…’
’That’s not true. Yesterday morning he asked you if you wanted his last slice of bread.’–she chirps.
’That’s… different, Merrill. I was the only one left in the team who didn’t have food packed for the trip. He would have done it for everyone.’
’You should talk to him more. He’d be friendly. I bet he’d even like you!’
’What? Why would he?’
’Because you are cute and have a pretty face. And a sense of humour.’
’Well, thanks, Merrill. I appreciate the compliment.’
’He would appreciate you if you just quit your hiding!’
’Easier said than done.’
*Later in the War Room*
The Inquisitor collected all of his healers from around Skyhold for a talk, and some of his other mages too. I am standing right next to the entrance door with Merrill by my side and Dorian also close by. He watches Rhys so intently that I somehow find it surprising that the Inquisitor still has clothes on.
I wish I had his confidence.
Speaking of reasons for lack of confidence, Garrett is right next to the table, studying the little figures and marks on the map. His hair is even more tousled than usually and my heart can hardly take his beautiful look.
So I instead focus (or at least try) on Rhys Travelyan and his brilliant new plan to make healers learn… okay, what?!
’I wouldn’t want you to actually get in a fight alone. But unfortunately we are living unstable times, and it can very well happen. I don’t want you to be defenseless and get hurt on the battlefield.’
’He is so cute, worrying like he was our keeper or something’ –Merrill whispers into my ear with a chuckle.
’But we do know how to set wards and know some basic fighting magic. Most of us comes from a circle, Inquisitor’– Adan notes and some of the people nod and hum in approval. Rhys instantly takes a look at the elves who came from the north and shakes his head.
’Not all, Adan. Some of us has only mastered one skill or has never really had the opportunity to practice fighting. And be honest, would you be confident in a fight if you remained alone with countless venatori? Or a dragon?’
’Well… No, Inquisitor. I would turn invisible and pray.’
’Exactly. I don’t want you to have to fear for your lives more than necessary. This is the reason why I established a plan. From today every healer will be required to choose an experienced fighter mage. Can be defense magic, but I’d rather you learned attacks actually. You’re going to practice together and will need to pass a test at the end. This way you won’t have to fear even in the darkest times.’
Oh Maker. I’m so bad at attacks. This is going to be… embarrassing.
Before we get out into the courtyard I lose sight of Merrill who is captured by three healers who all want to learn from her. I have to wait long minutes next to the staircase while Dorian joins me.
’So, what do you want to learn, hm? A little fire? Or should that be… telekinetic stuff?’
’I didn’t notice you were familiar with all of these specializations.’
’Oh, I am definitely not! But your dear Garrett is.’
’WHAT? Dorian, now you too? Don’t do this to me.’
’Oh and why not, my Darling? You need to approach the man. I’ll personally fall on a blade if we die and you haven’t gotten in his pants.’
’Don’t make promises with other people’s blades in mind.’ – I snap back. He is a perv, but the perv with the purest heart. –’There is no way I would ask him, okay?’
’Are we talking about Hawke?’ – Merrill arrives in the best moment.
’Who else would she be talking about?’ –Dorian turns to her with a fake-annoyed eyeroll.
’YOU BROUGHT HIM UP!’ –I shriek. These two are going to be the death of me.
’You could actually ask him, Da’len. This task is perfect for the occasion.’
’Or, like you two, Dear Attack Mages, could not teach me!’
’No can do, my Friend. I am certain you would NOT want to practice my specialization in necro. You freak out of spiders.’
’I have actually seen demons, Dorian.’
’And you still freak out of spiders! You wouldn’t want corpses walking around in your steps.’
Uh, okay. The idea actually does unnerve me a little. My grimace tells him he is right.
’So, Merrill?’
’I’m sorry, but I am already quite occupied. I promised 5 people to teach them blood magic.’
’Okay, that is not something I wanted to learn anyway. But 5?! Why did you agree to that?’
’Because they were asking nicely?’
’You really need to learn to say no.’ – I scold her. She would freaking die if she was asked nicely.
’And you have to learn to say YES. In bed. With Hawke.’ – Dorian’s naughty enchanting grin actually makes me want to punch him sometimes.
’He is right. We just need to find Garrett and ask him.’
’Definitely not! Merrill don’t you dare, Garrett must be–’
’Oh, am I the topic of an enlightened discussion by this group of intellectuals? I feel honored.’ –suddenly my words are interrupted and my view of Dorian blocked by the sculpture of manliness as he casually stands next to me, his broad shoulder getting in contact with my actual skin and I bet this is the closest I will ever get to fire magic because I already feel the flames within my body.
’Hawke! Perfect timing. Anielle just wanted to ask you to be her tutor because we are both out of the picture.’
’Ahm. Am I only a third choice? That hurts a little…’
’That observation is quite inaccurate, Ser. She wants you specifically. For the task, of course.’
I’m so going to kill that Tevinter bastard (who is one of my best friends, but anyways).
’Is that so?’ – okay, calm yourself Ann. He is looking right at me from a dangerously close distance, that is. And that tone? Did I really wish for this to happen? That he would banter and flirt with me using seductive voices and silly hot grimaces just as he does with everyone else?! I’m such an idiot.
’I.. UHM, I actually… yes. I’d really like that. If you happen to have the time for it, I mean. It’s absolutely, totally okay if you are busy because, why wouldn’t you be? You are uh, Hawke, so I’m pretty sure you… I might need to stop talking.’ –I fall silent after the great epilogie of my life and now I am waiting to die by the soil swallowing me whole.
The expression on his face would be priceless if he wasn’t so amused by my embarrassing blabbering, but damn this man! He is smiling. At me.
’I happen to absolutely, totally have the time for a little practice. How about this afternoon?’
’Oh-kay. Yeah. Sure. Alright, thanks!’ –not much better, self. But at least I manage a smile back at him and I notice how Merrill is trying to stifle a laughter that only lasts about two seconds after he leaves.
’Stop! Maker, you two!’
’I’d say this went pretty smoothly, Dear’ –Dorian shrugs. –’Now he knows everything about your suppressed thirst for him and you didn’t even have to spell it out. Bravo!’
’Oh, holy crap…’
’It wasn’t so hard, though, was it?’ –Merrill finally stops laughing.
’It will be even harder’ – Dorian can’t NOT pick up on that, naturally.
’Okay, guys, I really need to go now, to prepare some potions for the Inquisitor’s trip to the Storm Coast. Meanwhile you two please disappear and don’t talk to me again – I grin.
’I know you love us! Surely not as much as Ha–’
’Merrill!’
*On the field right next to Skyhold fortress*
I am early. Or he is late. Of course he would be, he has no reason to rush here to have another thing to do. I, on the other hand am desperately waiting and considering fleeing at the same time.
If we actually take a step back from my unhealthy infatuation with the guy, it would really benefit me if I learned some badass moves. I might even gain some confidence and might overcome my fear of spiders… and corpses and demons. Or, I’ll be scared shitless like all the same, no idea.
I need to think of this as an opportunity to learn and develop, not as a stupid and mean joke my friends played on me. I can be a professional. I am not 15 anymore. A slight crush will not affect my ability to learn and I will NOT be a shaky mess when Garret arrives.
If he arrives.
Maker, what if he forgot it? How long do I even wait?
Okay, he totally forgot it. It’s already getting dark and nobody else is here. It’s so empty. I rather miss the days with the clan when I tended the wounded and kept hallas healthy. Screw Coryphius.
Screw Hawke.
Uh, not like that.
Well, yeah. Like that.
’No, stop. He is not coming. Just walk back and forget this whole thing happened’ –I murmured to myself, then I turn on my heels only to almost bump into the torso in front of me.
Uh, damn me.
’H-Hawke?’
’Sorry for being so late you had to talk yourself into waiting for me.’
And there goes my naturally pale face color.
’Uhm, no, I… Did you hear me talk?’
’Just a little.’
’Oh. I talk when I’m nervous. You must have already realized.’
’Yeah, I had a feeling you did’ – he grins friendly now, not playing the flirty card. Or, he just doesn’t feel like flirting with me which is okay. That sleeveless armour he is wearing, that is NOT okay. –’I talk to myself all the time, really. My sister always teases me about it, but you know. Sometimes you need to talk to decent people…’ –he adds, grinning.
Of course he would crack a joke. I laugh at that, turning my eyes away.
’So, as Merrill informed me… You are a spirit healer, am I right?’
’Merrill talked to you about… Yes, I am a spirit healer. I used to heal simple wounds of hunters or injured hallas. Sometimes kids from our clan…’
’Were you in the clan who lived on Sundermount? Where Merrill came from?’
A personal question. Okay.
’Yes I’ve been living there, but my mother married a hunter from another clan some time before my old clan came in contact with you, as Merrill told me. Then mom died when the war began and I… was hiding. Until Merrill found me again.’
’I’m sorry and I’m very glad she did find you.’ –alright, that smile is different. I see him smirk, grin, laugh all the time, but this soft, caring smile is something I have never seen on Garrett Hawke’s face before. Nice of him that he cares. He adds then: –’And during your hiding years… have you never actually had to fight?’
’Well, I… am quite good at hiding.’
’Yeah, I noticed.’
WHAT? I can’t contain my shock, my eyes widen instantly.
’What do… you mean?’
’We’ve been living under the same roof since months and today was the first time we actually talked. This is a record for me.’
Woah, okay. We’ll need to do something magical soon because I can’t take the waves of emotions running through me during this conversation. Honestly, his responses scare the life out of me.
’Well, uh… I… so how are you going to teach me to fight?’ – I blurt in a desperate try to switch subjects.
’Oh, I’m not going to’ – his answer is, again, unexpected. Why are we here then? – ’It’s You who is going to learn a dormant ability. You already have it in you.’
It’s going to be a lump-in-the-throat spell then. Fine by me.
’Ummm, how? I never felt any spark of that kind of magic…’
’Well, then I’m going to help you feel the spark.’
No. I’m not letting a Dorian-esque thought cross my mind. I gulp and notice that the self-satisfied grin is back. I collect my most daring self to get this boar flowing and I say:
’Well, then, Ser. What do you have in mind?’
’So many bad and good things…’ –he rolls his eyes mostly at himself and I wonder how exactly he meant that. –’I think you should start with identifying the most common feeling you usually feel.’
’A feeling. You want to connect my feelings to a magical ability? Good luck with that!’ –I snort and then –’I… uh. I said that out loud?’
I hear Hawke laugh before I see it and he shakes his head disbelievingly.
’Jitters I would suggest. Don’t you need to be calm if you’re doing healing?’– his brows slide together.
’I am very calm and focused when it comes to that. But only then, I guess. Other times I’m just… a nervous mess.’
’Definitely not a mess. But nerves? Hm. Let’s try fire.’ – he suggests after chewing some on his lower lip. Then he opens his palm and lights a little fireball in it. The thing is gorgeous, consisting of orange and reddish flames. It’s swirling back and forth peacefully, like it wasn’t even a deadly weapon.
I didn’t miss his comforting compliment by the way.
’It looks beautiful’ –I almost whisper, mesmerized.
’Try interacting with it’ –Hawke says. My eyes rise to meet his in question. –’Just reach toward it and try stoking the flame, or just… affect it.’
So he wants me to play with his flame. Wow. My hands are DEFINITELY NOT shaking when I raise them both, keeping myself in a safe distance from the fire, but trying to…
’Closer’ –he says, voice rather raspy, almost a hum. Goosebumps happen. I take a step closer, until I can feel the heat on my palm.
’Like that?’
Garrett huffs out a sympathetic laugh.
’If you’re afraid of the fire, it won’t work.’
’I’m not…’
’Yes, you are.’ – he suddenly grabs my left wrist with his free hand and guides me much closer, so close that I actually find the heat terrifying for a moment.
’Umm wha-’
’I won’t hurt you.’– his tone is making my heart do flips while his actions force it into a higher speed. I’m just about stroking the flame and it still hasn’t burnt me?!– ’It’s a friendly flame.’ – he explains like he knew just what I’ve been thinking.
’Friendly?’
He huffs.
’All show but no harm. A lot like me, actually…’– he says a little more seriously which surprises me because it has a kind of sad undertone to it that I wonder why he shares with me now. But if he does, I get the courage to do the same and comfort him the way he did to me.
’You can harm if you want to! I’m reading Varric’s book, you know…’ –okay, one TOO MUCH information I did not want to blurt out.
’Oh, no. Is he making you Guys read all the half-truths he wrote about our little adventures?’ –he sounds like he almost wants to apologize for it.
’Varric totally said it happened like that, letter-by-letter. That you, Champion of Kirkwall, defeated the Arishok alone, saved a guy who was stuck in the Fade and… had an unresolved romantic tension with everyone in the team.’
’Not EVERYONE.’ –he makes a face and I laugh.
’Okay, but the other two seem pretty impressive too, you know. Are those true?’
’Well…’ – he kind of seems to be shy for a moment. It’s uncharacteristic. –’Yeah, they are. But I wasn’t alone. I had the support of great people. And, their trust.’
’And, their romantic tension, apparently…’ – I can’t believe I cracked a joke even if it’s a lame one. When did I loosen up here? And my hand still hovered above Garrett’s.
’Apparently.’ – he replies and his hazel eyes drift down to our almost joined hands. –’So? Can you make it change?’
I release a deep breath and try my hardest to focus on the small fireball with my whole body. It feels forced and strained and not really right. But after some moments I hear him huff and I realize I have closed my eyes at some point. I open them and see Garrett watching the skin on his hand, flame gone.
He’s amused.
’Wow. I have never had soft skin like that. I think you rejuvenated my hand…’
’That is… entirely possible. Uh, sorry?’
’It feels actually pretty nice. Although my staff is going to break the skin again.’
’If that happens, I can heal it for you anytime…– What happened again to the breaks on my mouth?! –I-I mean… if you want me to!
’So are you going to be following me around when I travel… just to heal my hand?’ –that flirty tone I am starting to recognize, is a joking one. My desperation and desire for him is still there, but I’m not submitting so easily to them. I’ve already made a big enough fool of myself for the day.
’Only if I don’t have anything more important to do. I am primarily a healer for the Inquisition, you know.’
’Responsibility. Uh. Okay, let’s try arcane stuff.’
’Arcane? Like… mind blast?’ – I vaguely remember one of the girls from my clan once getting hit by that spell. It left her in a rambling panicky state for days.
’Woah, easy there. Nothing THAT serious. I would suggest… a barrier, maybe?’ – Garrett raises his brows, then starts to walk towards me with determination. I feel the urge to turn and run just looking at his eyes. He is NOT going to stop.
’I am the enemy. How will you stop me?’ – I start taking steps backwards as he comes forward, until I feel my back hit the wall of the fortress. Be calm, my damn hammering heart.
’I… usually don’t wait for them to corner me like this…’ –I stutter.
’But if it happens… And I reach you’ –he indeed has, and lays a hand on the wall just next to my right ear. His whole body is so big compared to mine. –’You are in trouble.’
THAT voice again. Even my gulp gulps.
’S-s-so… what am I supposed to–’
’Prevent me from getting to you. I’m gonna go back there–’ and with that, his hand and strong frame is gone, and all my bones feel like jelly. –’Raise your hands and however it’s comfortable, establish a line that I can not pass.’
There he comes again, just getting closer and closer. I really try to draw a line, to create a wall, to pray to the gods for him to stop in his tracks, but suddenly Garrett is all over me again, even closer if possible than last time.
I dare to look up to see those eyes from up close and I realize he is also looking down at me.
’I guess I didn’t… manage to stop you…’– I breathe quietly.
’I guess you didn’t. But, it’s okay. We can try again.’ – as he talks silently, his breath tickles my forehead and it doesn’t feel sexy or frustrating, but rather… heart-warming. I can’t tear my eyes away from his for a very long moment and somehow, it seems like the thing is mutual.
Then, a thunder in the area breaks the magic and he parts from me and the wall to walk back to the start.
’Ready?’ – he asks, thoughtful of my shaky scattered mind. I nod slowly and raise two hands now, exhaling and inhaling purposefully slowly. Stop him. I need to stop him, I need to… I close my eyes and imagine a dragon cornering me, he is a dragon. A red high dragon from the north. He is breathing fire and wants to eat me alive. I need a wall. I need a wall, please. I hear the steps getting closer and closer and it all happens within quarters of a second but I hear IT approaching and I FUCKING NEED A BARRIER RIGHT NOW! – at that moment I almost feel SOMETHING drawing from my magic, but when I open my eyes I only see Garrett falling forward after stumbling in something on the ground, and he is falling –exactly– right ON ME!
’Oh SHIT!’– he barks and my eyes snap closed again because I might die from the impact. I feel his armored frame clink VERY close to my face and I feel the wind of the air he forces towards me when crashing down, but as I wait, the actual crashing never happens, instead I’m starting to feel harsh pants hitting my collarbone with warmth.
I slowly open my eyes and Garrett is catching his breath right above me, his hands both at my sides, his face only 5 centimeters away from my jaw. He has managed to hold himself up on the wall so he wouldn’t kill me with his weight. Oh. That’s… skillful.
Him and I make eye contact and it’s equally hot and terrifying. But then he suddenly bursts out in a laughter and steps a little back.
Well, a kiss would have been very cool… but his laugh is also priceless.
’Ah, maker… Are you alright?’ –he asks, dusting himself off.
’Yes, I… I’m still alive I think.’
’It was a very close call’ –he points out, laughter slowly dying down. –’How would I even explain this to Merrill? She killed herself by my weight. Sounds believable!’
’What? You… I… How did I cause this?!’ – I snap up my head.
’Look’ – he turns and steps back to where he stumbled over. On the ground there is a very visible line of soil piled up, like it was built for someone to trip over. I am 100% percent sure it wasn’t there the last time he approached me.
’Wait.’
’Uhhuh. We found it! You, Dear Anielle, are a Primalist. Congrats’ – he pats my shoulder in a friendly way and I am suddenly very confused by his actions and choice of words (he remembers my name!) and the contents of his speech. I’m going to get back to the emotional part later, but now…
’A Primalist? But Merrill… she is also able to do that magic.’
’So? You cannot be?’
’No, I just… How come I never knew this about myself?’
’You never had to defend yourself from a viscous, evil Ha–’
’Dragon. I imagined a red dragon.’
’Am I not scary enough to you?!’ – he asks jokingly fake-offended, and then suddenly in the next moment the whole sky decides to fall down on us in the form of rain.
’Oh, damn, best timing!’ – I groan.
’Looks like we’ll have to continue tomorrow, unless you want to try lightning against lightning.’
’I still value my life, thank you very much!’ – I yell back through another loud thunder and we both start running back towards the building. By the time we enter and finally are protected by a roof we are both soaked to the skin. Garrett, however still has his hair standing in every direction. I bet it is a spell’s work.
We both take a minute to catch our breaths and smooth out the water of our clothes, when I hear him chuckling again.
’You know… I bet I know why you had to imagine a dragon instead of me.’
’Okay, why?’ – I ask casually and am about to celebrate my newly gained ability to talk to Hawke like everyone else: casually, just taking it easy and accepting his flirty comments because we might just become buddies. Better than nothing.
’I think you didn’t want me to stop.’
Aaaand, it’s gone.
’H-huh?’ – I whimper as I look to my left and he is already just as close as he was when we stood backed up to the wall. But now he has this evil naughty smirk on his stupidly handsome face.
I feel the wet material of his armor and tunic press against my arms, but I don’t even have the ability to feel cold right now.
’I think you didn’t mind me being close to you.’ –he whispers into my skin before his eyes drop down to my lips for a moment. I swallow.
’And what… makes you think that?’
’I generally think that if I feel something so strong about someone that it makes my skin crawl… I must not be alone feeling it…’ –Oh no, the lip bite! –’What do you think, Ann?’
’I…’– I find myself facing the biggest challenge I ever had. With my mouth agape I am staring at his beautiful features, his sharp cheekbones, his waiting, sparkling eyes that I couldn’t let turn disappointed. Not when I feel the same, I… I need to form words, like, right now. But damn, how? –’I think…’ –I swallow again. He blinks. The moment would break if I can’t say it, I have to! – ’I really think… you should decide if you would finally kiss me or let me pass out in peac–’ he doesn’t let me finish.
Dear Maker, Garrett Hawke is kissing me.
He is leaning close and actually has his lips pressed to mine, tongue involved. And I am allowed to raise my fingers and sink them into his wonderfully untamable hair, I can hold onto those crazy-strong arms no mage would have but him… I can feel the breaths he takes between kisses and am able to hear the soft hums he lets out between our lips.
All the shaking in my body turns into lava. And boils.
It honestly feels like it lasts forever, this otherworldly delight, but actually it only lasts until we miss the sound of a closing door and then HEAR the voice of someone we both know pretty well. Garrett even better, than me.
’Andraste's dimpled buttcheeks! You two?’
I mean to jump apart at that, but Garrett tightens the hold on my waist and is only leaning away slowly with a coy smirk.
’Hello, Varric.’
’Uh. Hi.’ – I add, awkwardly.
Varric seems to get uncharacteristically speechless, then he takes a step back.
’I’m sorry, never meant to interrupt your… tutoring session, Hawke. But you guys should rather be aware that Josephine is coming this way with a grumpy Orlesian. I suggest you using those stairs, that’s what I intend to do too.’
’Thanks for the warning.’ – Garrett smiles, giving out the snarky vibes as always, still holding onto me as Varric’s steps start hitting the stairs.
’Are we going to wait for Josephine to arrive too?’ – I ask with some kind of amusement since he doesn’t really give a sign of wanting to move away.
’Well. Now that THAT guy saw us, within a month nobody in Thedas will be surprised to find us together who can read.’ – and then… he leans back for another kiss.