Work Text:
Dear, Sol.
It's ten pm here. It's eleven pm there. I know. I know because I never adjusted my watch. The one you got me for my twentieth birthday. Yeah, the one you insisted on celebrating when I was working late into my biology paper but you remembered and insisted in baking me a cake yourself even if you were a shit cook. You were. Stop trying to deny it. It was barely edible. I think you're even worse than Chaewon. It makes sense why you two are related. The good genes and the bad cooking skills was, despite science itself and the punnet square, hereditary. You see, Jinsoul my watch stayed on your time zone. Like how my heart stayed with yours.
I can see you crouching in front of your study table, eyebrows creased in concentration, your specs perched on the bridge of your nose, ones you had to push up every five minutes or so because they keep falling over. you would get tired of having to push it that you would huff and blow air into your bangs and say how much you hate them despite me telling you that "No, Sol. it's cute. You just look like a coconut." You do look like a coconut. But I meant to say that I love it on you.
I can see you reaching out for a cup of coffee that went cold some fifteen minutes ago because you had long forgotten about it. A cup of coffee that doesn't taste like your coffee because I wasn't the one who brewed it the way you wanted. One creamer two sugars one extra shot of espresso or expresso as you so cleverly came up with. It's how I take my coffee these days with extra shots of you.
I can see you slipping beneath the covers of your bed, a bed I fell asleep with way too many times for it to be called your bed anymore. Are you looking at my side of the bed? Are you sighing and looking out the window at three am thinking of me? Three am, you said, is a time of regrets and what ifs. Am I ever yours? Sol, do you ever think about me?
You're maybe stuck on another night studying another medical subject you were going to ace anyway because that's how good you are. That's who you are. Jung Jinsoul, bright enough to save the planet from global warming but couldn't figure out that her best friend of seven years was in love with her.
We shared clothes. You liked wearing my University sweatshirt with the huge surname and jersey number from when we used to play with the girl's volleyball team. I never understood that because you played with me. You have your own, asshat. Please stop stealing my clothes. They look better on you. They do. But I'm running out of clothes and my whole wardrobe looks better on you.
We would fight over the dumbest things. There's even that time we fought over which movie to watch first during our ghibli marathon because you wanted to watch the girl who leapt through time for the thousandth time and I wanted Princess Mononoke. Jiwoo had to intervene and put on My Neighbor Totoro. It's still hard to admit that Kim Jiwoo of all people had to be our mediator.
We would carpool with Jiwoo and Jungeun and on the days I was the token driver, which was a lot, considering Jiwoo always almost kills us whenever she drives and Jungeun sleeps on the ride. On those days, you put on our shared playlist because we share a lot of things, even favorite songs. But here's another thing I conveniently forgot to tell you. I only loved half of the songs on that playlist when you sing along to it. Hearing them now, it doesn't make me feel giddy, doesn't quite hit that string, that feeling was entirely you.
We shared secrets, about something, anything, everything. We argued that something and anything was not the same thing. But I kept one secret with me, that I was in love with you. That I am still in love with you. I'm so in love with you I'm breathing in it. I'm living this way every single day
You really had no idea. Not until I told you. And if you ask since when. I will fumble for an answer. Not because I'm not sure. But because I can't recall a time when I haven't felt this way around you.
Maybe it was the first time I caught a glimpse of you when you walked through those academy gates. You still had your huge glasses on and have books bigger than your limbs can carry. Maybe it was the first time I met your eyes. Maybe it was the way you smile. It was the way you still smile. I would break every damn rule in the book just to hear you laugh.
Maybe it was the way you wake me up in the mornings and refuse to head first even if it takes me an eternity to get ready. Maybe it was the way you look good with denim shirts especially if it's mine. Maybe it was your silly celebratory dance that you do for every little thing that you consider a win. Maybe it was having you on my passenger seat and never wanting to come home because you're with me and you are home. Maybe it was you. Maybe I was too young to know what love was supposed to look like. And God, maybe I know I'm not supposed to want you this bad but I do. And all this stupid wanting and waiting, all that makes sense is you. Maybe I know that love for me is always going to look like you.
How come I never told you before? Because I was always a second, a minute too late. We were eighteen and there was Sangyoon. We were twenty and there's Jungeun. It doesn't matter what age we are. We could be 24 now and another person will get to hold you the way I want to. Another person gets to have you in a way I never could. Because, I'm just your best friend, Sol.
You asked me before, why just now. Because I spent seven years waiting for the right time to tell you. It's not like I can't tell you this. It's more like I don't want to tell you this. I know you love her, Sol. I know how happy you are with her. I never wanted to make you choose between me and her because I know you wouldn't have picked me and that would've hurt more. But I want to tell you the first and last time. You deserve to know. Because, I feel like I'm lying to you when you know every part of me but didn't know that a huge part of me was in love with you— is still in love with you.
I don't deserve you. I never did. I never will. I just don't want to wander around thirty years from now wondering what would happen if I told her. Even if it was just once. You deserve the world, Sol. And I could never give you that. I could never be the person who sweeps you off your feet or give you a fairytale romance because you believe in all that. You believe in soulmates and wishes on falling stars and God, Sol. All I am is a fool who fell in love with my best friend. And I don't have enough faith in me to believe in religion but if you were in front of me, I would go down on my knees and confess.
You deserve someone who loves you with every beat of their heart. Someone who thinks about you constantly, who can't stop thinking about you. Someone who spends every minute of everyday wondering what you're doing, who you're with and if you're doing okay. You deserve someone who would help you reach your dreams and would never hesitate to talk with you about your fears. You deserve someone who will treat every bone in your body with respect and every atom in your being with love. And your flaws, let them love your flaws too. Because you deserve to show them and not have people scared of loving you wrong. I hope she's delicate with you, Sol. I hope she kisses the scar on your knee you got when you were trying to play every sport there is, from trying too hard. And I hope she kisses the bruised up part of your heart from loving too hard. You deserve a love that makes you the happiest person on the planet.
It's seven minutes before twelve o'clock. Seven minutes before infinity. You said it means living in the moment. This is my moment. This is my gamble. This is me putting everything on the table.
I love you, Sol.
Sooyoung.