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He Xuan wasn’t sure what he had expected to come afterwards. He hadn’t been foolish enough to hope for peace. But some kind of resolution had seemed possible. Finality, maybe.
Certainly not this…emptiness. This all-consuming emptiness. Worse than the hunger, in a way, which as much as it gnawed, could at least be momentarily sated.
This felt like a hole had been blown right through him.
If nothing else, he’d come through these hundreds of years by planning, by setting things in order. So, he set about cleaning up. Tending to the bone dragons. Breaking down the ridiculous misdirection array he’d had to accommodate. Releasing the miserably-fated ones. Cleaning up the blood.
And then had come the great battle against the white calamity, and they’d wrecked his territory, so he had to do it all over again. He Xuan should have been mad at Hua Cheng for that but, if he was being honest, it was nice to have another thing to clean up.
(He was quite angry with Hua Cheng for another reason, but he wasn’t thinking about that. Not on the list. A closed matter. Finite. Done.)
And then he came to the end, and everything was as it was. He Xuan walked his halls. He’d never seen much use for other minor ghosts on his lands. Especially now that no one would be coming by. So they were few and far between. The waters glimmered, the walls echoed, and He Xuan was alone. Everything was as it was, as it had been.
Which was the whole problem.
***
“I keep telling you that place is a dump,” Hua Cheng said, which was not what He Xuan had been looking for. Xie Lian made agreeing noises from the corner of the room. He Xuan privately felt that these regular financial meetings should remain a calamity-only affair, but his hints to that effect had passed unnoticed.
“Why not make that your new purpose?” Hua Cheng went on. “Since you’re so aimless now. Focus on making yourself a nicer place to live.”
He Xuan knew he was being mocked. It was not new. “There’s nothing wrong with the décor, and I’m not aimless,” he hissed. “I just – find that I have more gaps in my schedule these days.”
The other ghost king raised an eyebrow. “So, are you here looking for a job? I don’t have any openings right now, I’m afraid.”
The last time Hua Cheng had fought another calamity, it had put him out of commission for a year. He Xuan wondered if he could manage to do the same. Probably wouldn’t be worth the cost, though.
He Xuan glanced at Xie Lian. It really wasn’t fair. Hua Cheng was never going to face the end of his reason for existing. He would get to go on forever, never having to deal with the resolution and the blankness that came after. He had no idea what He Xuan was going through.
“You could work on paying your debt?” Xie Lian offered. No one responded to this. They all knew it was hopeless.
***
The worst part of it was that he thought he’d been ready to dissolve, to die for real. He used to savor the idea, nights in the Heavenly Capitol. He’d lie awake, and think how it would feel to be at the end of it all, to taste the sweet relief of having had his revenge.
But that hadn’t happened. The moment had come, and it had felt like a lot of things. But not sweet. Not at all.
And, worse, now that it was done, he found that he didn’t really want to die, anymore. But he didn’t know what was keeping him here.
Being invisible had never been so easy. He felt so insubstantial anyway, these days. Just a pair of eyes and a stomach, searching.
The was watching – he was in the Royal Capital when a silver butterfly floated by and Hua Cheng said, over the private array, What are you doing here?
“What are you doing here?”
Favor. You’re not the only one who takes an interest.
“I’m not – ” He Xuan cut himself off. Sometimes the best way to deal with Hua Cheng was not to take the bait.
If you need a pretense, I could provide one. Not fair to hit him again, though. He’s only mortal now.
“I’m Fine,” He Xuan said through his teeth. “I’m not here to hit anyone. I’m not here to interact.”
Just watching, hm?
If He Xuan hadn’t known better, he would have sworn that the other ghost king’s tone sounded just a little softer. “Don’t do that,” he snapped. “It’s not like – you don’t know a thing about it.”
***
In the following year, He Xuan destroyed and rebuilt his home three times. He hired a few ghosts to keep the place somewhat clean, and then fired them days later when he changed his mind. For a while, he was grooming the bone dragons daily.
None of it helped. It was alright, sometimes, to have work to do and ghosts to yell at, but it wasn’t a purpose. He might as well go hibernate for all the good it was doing him.
(He had tried that, too. He was too restless to keep down. His frustration upon waking up was how his manor had gotten ruined a second time.)
In the end, there was nothing else to be done.
Shi Qingxuan looked, He Xuan thought, sort of terrible. Well, he was a beggar, this was not surprising. The fact that it was only sort of terrible – that was testament to how he’d always – He Xuan stopped himself. He looked like a mortal, nothing special.
Shi Qingxuan was entering the little hut he now lived in. “Hello,” He Xuan said, from where was leaning against the wall. He had been going for a – and he hated to admit this, but it was true – Hua Cheng-like attitude of casual indifference, but he had a horrible feeling that he’d gone all stiff. Like a statue. If people made statues that waited in your home when you weren’t expecting them and also looked like a disgruntled ghost king.
He straightened up and cleared his throat. “Hello,” he tried again. He flexed his hands awkwardly. What was he supposed to do with them? Maybe he should have done this invisible.
Shi Qingxuan was speechless for absolutely the only time He Xuan could remember. This was terrifying.
He was staring at He Xuan, who had forgotten how overwhelming that was.
(Okay, he hadn’t forgotten. He’d chosen not to remember.)
“Black Water Sinking Ships?” Shi Qingxuan said at last. Then, even more quietly, “Ming-xiong?”
“Don’t call me that,” He Xuan barked. He wrenched his gaze from Shi Qingxuan’s. “You look surprised to see me.”
“Well, yeah.”
He didn’t say anything else. He Xuan did not know what to do with this. He was not used to going first.
“I’m not used to going first,” he finally said.
Shi Qingxuan let out a huge breath and belatedly slammed the door behind him. “I’m so sorry to inconvenience you,” he said. “I was just extremely not expecting to see you ever again, what the fuck are you doing here?”
He Xuan didn’t say anything.
“Right, well, I can’t help you with silence, so you better figure it out, because I have a busy life you know, and entertaining calamity ghosts is not on my schedule.”
A wave of realization washed over He Xuan. “No, that’s it,” he said. “I think I understand now, thank you.”
In another life, he would have delighted in the look of complete bafflement on Shi Qingxuan’s face as he vanished.
***
“So just get it over with,” Hua Cheng said, at the same time as Xie Lian cried, “you can’t kill him,”
“He’s the problem,” He Xuan said. He was pacing across Hua Cheng’s disgustingly polished floor. “That’s why I didn’t resolve my goal. He’s supposed to be suffering like I did and instead he’s happy.”
“You can’t blame Shi Qingxuan for being the way that he is,” Xie Lian said.
He Xuan boiled over. “Oh, can’t I,” he raged, feeling thunderheads gather behind his eyes. “The way that he is made me who I am. All I wanted some sliver of retribution, some kind of gesture, and after all I did, all I worked for, he dares to be happy, to be content? How can he get over what happened? How can he be so happy, and me not?! None of you understand this and you expect me just to accept it?!”
He was really shouting now, and Hua Cheng was standing in front of Xie Lian, danger in his eye and hand on his scimitar. He Xuan left before he could be told.
He went back to his thrice-rebuilt home. “I have to end it,” he muttered to the cold depths of his lake. “Its’s the only way out for me.”
But what if it didn’t work? What if he did what he couldn’t do before, and Shi Qingxuan was gone for real, and still He Xuan was there, continuing on, endless and empty for the rest of time?
No. That could not be allowed to happen. A life where Shi Qingxuan persisted out of sight was hard enough. Eternity without him there at all would be unbearable.
***
When he returned, Shi Qingxuan was eating steamed buns.
“Can I have one of those?” He Xuan asked, materializing beside him.
Shi Qingxuan started and then said, “no.”
He Xuan was actually pretty hungry, but he let it go. “I came here to ask you some questions,” he said.
“What kind of questions?”
He Xuan did not know how to answer this without embarrassing himself. He finally settled on, “about your thoughts,” and instantly regretted it.
“I might not feel like sharing my thoughts with you.”
“That would be a first.”
Shi Qingxuan furrowed his brows, which He Xuan knew meant he was about to be made to do something unpleasant. “You ask a question, and I get to make one request of you.”
“What kind of request?”
“You’ll have to find out, won’t you?”
“I want reciprocity,” He Xuan said. “We each get one question and one request.”
He didn’t know what he was going to ask for. But he felt he wanted the option.
“Fine.” Shi Qingxuan nodded solemnly, but there was a familiar spark in his eyes. He Xuan couldn’t bear to look at it. “Go ahead and ask your question first, then.”
He Xuan looked at the sky. It was going to rain soon. Thinking about that was easier than looking at Shi Qingxuan’s face as he asked his question. “Are you happier here than you were as Wind Master?”
“Are you sure that’s your question?”
He Xuan looked back at Shi Qingxuan, who was staring at him.
“I’ll be nice and give you a do-over since this is the first round of the game.”
“It’s not a game, and that’s my question,” He Xuan said.
“Well, it’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard.”
“Could you just answer it, please, without all the commentary?”
Shi Qingxuan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Of course I was happier when I had a magic fan, and I was immortal, and I had my brother and my best friend. Mi--Black Water, really.”
“That you for your informative answer,” He Xuan said in as cold a voice as he could manage. “You may ask your question now.”
“I’m going to make my request first.”
“Fine.”
Shi Qingxuan scrunched up his mouth and He Xuan thought, oh, I’m going to hate whatever this choice is.
“I want you to show me Black Water Sinking Ships,” Shi Qingxuan said.
He Xuan looked down at himself and then back up again. “I’m right here.”
“No, you’re not. You’re like, slouching,” Shi Qingxuan said. He poked He Xuan’s shoulder. “You’re all stiff and awkward. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I want to see the ghost king in his element, the calamity who ate hundreds of ghouls. Show me.”
“But you have,” He Xuan replied. “When – ”
“Yes, I know,” Shi Qingxuan snapped. “But there was a lot happening then, I was so confused and scared and you were murdering my brother.”
“Fine!” He Xuan said. “Fine.” This would not be particularly fun, but at least it would be easy. He scribbled out an array, seized Shi Qingxuan by the shoulder, and flung them both to the sea.
He Xuan hung himself in the air over the roaring ocean, rain pouring from the sky, wind whipping at this robes.
Shi Qingxuan was standing on a boat just below. He Xuan was making sure that he wouldn’t fall, but when he looked down, Shi Qingxuan’s hands were gripping the side. His mouth was pressed in a firm line and his shoulders set, like he was bracing himself for something.
He Xuan rose higher, gathered up all of his spiritual energy, every well of strength, and released it into the storm like a primal scream.
Thunder rolled and cracked, lightning making the churning waves look even higher in sharp relief. Raindrops feel so hard it sounded like stones dropping on the wood of the little boat. Spiritual energy poured from his outstretched hands, from his open mouth. More than he’d released in such a long time, almost more than he’d known he had.
The waves turned in circles and a black pit opened in the water, and it had been so long, and He Xuan was so, so hungry. The emptiness ripped through him, tearing him in half, a pit as dark as the one below and just as endless.
The boat perched on the edge of the hole, not moving.
Black Water Sinking Ships looked down. Shi Qingxuan was still standing and gazing up. He was frowning. His mouth moved.
He Xuan, exhausted, sank down. His feet hit the deck and he slumped forward. The seas calmed.
Shi Qingxuan said, “oof.” He Xuan blinked, and realized Shi Qingxuan’s shoulder was under his arm, holding him up.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
Shi Qingxuan shook his head. “It’s fine.” He eased He Xuan to the deck, sat and then scooted away, and they sat across from each other.
“It’ll be…back…in a minute,” He Xuan said.
“Did you hear me?” Shi Qingxuan asked.
“Are you using your question?”
“No.”
“No, I didn’t,” He Xuan lied.
He Xuan, come back. Of course he’d heard it.
A moment later, after a silence, he said, “why?”
Shi Qingxuan gave him the first look in quite a while that he was not able to decipher. “Well, I needed to be able to ask my question,” he said.
He Xuan made a limp gesture at himself with one of his hands. “So?”
“If I hadn’t gone after him, if I had taken one of your outs, would you really have spared me?”
He Xuan thought about this for a long moment, and then said, “I don’t know.”
Shi Qingxuan nodded, slowly.
“Could you ever have…done that?” He Xuan asked.
“No.” Shi Qingxuan gave him a sad little half-smile. “I asked myself if I could have, after. I wanted to. But I couldn’t have.”
The boat rocked on the now-gentle waves.
“When are you going to be able to get us out of here?” Shi Qingxuan asked finally.
He Xuan grimaced. “I need, ah, some more time.”
“That was a big show.”
Well, you asked for it, He Xuan thought.
A night passed. Shi Qingxuan fell asleep on the deck.
The next day, one of the bone dragons found them.
“Will it take us to land, if I ask nicely?” Shi Qingxuan asked.
“Might. Might just take us back to the island.” He Xuan hadn’t been that nice to them lately.
Shi Qingxuan did not ask. But he did pet the dragon’s long jaw, and in return, it brought him a fish.
“This isn’t some kind of weird ghost fish, is it?” he asked, eyeing it warily.
“I suffered through hundreds of years of horrible god feasts, you can survive one fish.”
Shi Qingxuan glared at him.
“Also, no, it’s a normal fish.”
Shi Qingxuan started cleaning it, and He Xuan heard him muttering, “ate an awful lot at those feasts, as I recall.”
Another day. Shi Qingxuan stretched out on the deck, sighing so often and so irritatingly that He Xuan wondered if the former wind god had retained some kind of bonus lung capacity.
“Your life back with the beggars can’t be that exciting,” He Xuan said. “Three days away cannot possibly kill you.”
Shi Qingxuan rolled over. “Yes, how could time with actual friends be more preferable to being stuck on a boat with the man who killed my – ”
“Oh, alright,” He Xuan snapped. They settled into silence again.
“That wasn’t the worst thing, you know,” Shi Qingxuan said.
“How on earth,” He Xuan replied, remembering something very visceral, “can that now have been the worst thing?”
Shi Qingxuan had glared at him a lot, both in this life and their last. But there was nothing playful or amused or even annoyed behind his eyes now. He looked so angry.
“The deception, ming-xiong,” he sang in the Wind Master’s sweetest tones.
A few hours later, He Xuan wandered back up the front of the boat. “I’ve made the array,” he said. “We can go back now.”
Shi Qingxuan bounced up to his feet.
“But,” He Xuan said, “I need to ask my request first.”
“Go ahead.” Shi Qingxuan tilted his chin at attention
“Lie to me,” He Xuan said.
Shi Qingxuan blinked at him. “Why?”
“Did I ask you, ‘why’?”
“Yes. And this is as stupid as your question.”
“If you could just do it, that would be great.”
“I don’t lie to you,” Shi Qingxuan said firmly.
He Xuan exploded. “Oh, fuck you,” he snarled. “What is so difficult here, Shi Qingxuan? You have had everything of mine, you took my life and all of my death, I can’t even say my own name without thinking of you. So just do this one thing for me, Wind Master.”
Shi Qingxuan reeled back as though he’d been slapped. “I hate you,” he spat, turning on his heel. “And don’t follow me,” he added over his shoulder.
He Xuan didn’t.
***
A few days later, He Xuan found himself, infuriatingly, back in the ghost city.
“You know you have about a minute before he gets back and kicks you out,” Xie Lian said.
Less than, Hua Cheng said in the private array. The butterfly on Xie Lian’s shoulder fluttered menacingly.
“I’m not going to yell this time,” He Xuan said. “I came to ask for…help.”
“Oh?” Xie Lian asked.
This should be good, Hua Cheng said.
He Xuan looked at the floor. “I think I was too mean to Shi Qingxuan.”
Xie Lian looked surprised. “Do you mean…before? Or is this new?”
“I mean a few days ago.”
“Okay,” said Xie Lian. “Well, you can be a pretty difficult person to be around, Black Water.”
“Am I supposed to say thank you?”
Yes, said Hua Cheng.
“But,” Xie Lian continued, “he’ll probably accept an apology.”
“Is it really that simple?” He Xuan asked, feeling like he’d missed something.
“For your whole…situation? No. But you should give it a try anyway.”
***
This time, He Xuan knocked on the door.
“What do you want,” Shi Qingxuan said flatly when he answered it.
“To apologize for shouting.”
Shi Qingxuan tilted his head to one side. “Well?”
“…I apologize for shouting,” He Xuan said.
Shi Qingxuan rolled his eyes but said, “you might as well come inside. I just ate. You can have the leftovers.”
He Xuan ate. Shi Qingxuan watched, chin in his hands. “Why do you keep coming back?” he asked.
He Xuan swallowed and said, “I have nowhere else to go. Except the stupid ghost city and I don’t like being around them.”
Shi Qingxuan’s eyes sparkled just a little bit, but he just said, “I see.”
“Why do you keep letting me in?”
“Because I always have.”
“And you never lie to me,” He Xuan said, almost to himself, wondering how he’d never noticed that before.
Shi Qingxuan said, “But I did lie to you.”
He Xuan said, “oh.”
And then he felt oddly warm. He had to stop looking at Shi Qingxuan’s face. He glanced down and realized he’d eaten all the food.
Quiet settled on the hut. He Xuan could hear Shi Qingxuan breathing. It was almost calming.
“Could I come back again?” He finally asked. Shi Qingxuan smiled.