Chapter Text
Hanai was beginning to run out of excuses for why he couldn’t find time to have lunch with his coworker, one Suyama Shouji, the school’s psychologist. It was getting to the point that he would begin to think of one almost as soon as he woke up. It became part of his morning routine, as natural as brushing his teeth. It wasn’t because he disliked Suyama—in fact it was the opposite. He was certain he couldn’t keep himself fully composed around Suyama for long enough to last through lunch. The mere thought made his face light up, embarrassed thinking about how obvious his thoughts might be. All this not even taking into account that Suyama may be one of the most experienced people he knows at reading people. No, spending too much time with him was out of the question. Suyama would be able to tell right away. Time alone with him was perilous. Spent at his own risk. He would rather avoid extra time with him as much as possible.
This of course came with a sacrifice. They had gotten along swimmingly until Hanai had the realization that he liked Suyama as more than just a coworker or as a friend. Since that moment, when he stood frozen over his kitchen sink, in too much shock to realize that the water had run freezing cold while he did his dishes, making eye contact seemed to be a chore. A chore in which he was certain that Suyama could then read his every thought for the rest of the day afterwards. Now he knew that to simply not be true, but acting like everything was normal was not something Hanai Azusa was terribly good at. And so here he was, running his hands through his hair to make it sit how he wanted while contemplating how he was going to get around lunch plans today.
But the opportunity to use the excuse (one of his sisters had called him and he planned to return her call during the lunch hour), never came.
Suyama never approached him today.
In fact, he can’t remember seeing him at all.
He couldn’t possibly be mad at him finally for getting an excuse every time he tried to invite Hanai to eat lunch together…could he? Suyama had asked him to have lunch every day of work for the past three weeks.
Hanai stared down at the bun that was his lunch that he had picked up from the conbini this morning. Something wasn’t right. He pushed his seat back away from his desk and some of his coworkers looked at him funny when he marched past all of them out of the staff room.
He slide the door open and closed with more force than he meant to, cringing slightly as he continued on down the hall, pushing past some rambunctious students vacating their own classrooms to visit their friends, threatening punishment behind his back for being excessively
loud. His mind raced with a flurry of thoughts, all concerning the person they usually did these past couple of weeks. Suyama wasn’t the type to hold a grudge for such a thing…right? He couldn’t have noticed. Hanai’s footsteps slowed, sun beaming in through the windows and warming one side. He couldn’t have noticed that Hanai had a…a…
The word “crush” floated across his mind and he shook his head vigorously. What a childish word. Something his students would use. He was an adult, he didn’t have “crushes”. Well then what the hell was this? “Attraction” sounded more mature to him, less fleeting and less like a teenager not knowing what to look for in a relationship and so going on a brief impression. Yeah. This was far more level-headed. He snapped out of his brief inner monologue to realize he had been standing in the same spot for a minute or so rationalizing what exactly it was that he felt for Suyama. A quick glance at his watch told him he needed to get a move on if he was going to scold the school’s psychologist before the lunch hour was over. He forced his legs to move one in front of the other.
He stood in front of the office door, hand closed in a fist in midair, not able to bring himself to knock right away. Why did he care so much? If he wasn’t going to accept an invitation anyway, why was he looking for Suyama? To see if he was even in today? Or to confirm that he had, in fact, decided not to ask after him today? Was he looking to see if Suyama was now ignoring him? And if he was, what would showing up at his office do? How would he react? He wasn’t sure he had ever seen Suyama in anything less than a pleasant mood. He supposed that came with the territory of listening to other people’s problems all day—at least appearing pleasant.
As he inhaled the warming air, sunlight fading to afternoon, he brought his hand down to refocus. He was just seeing if Suyama was okay. If everything was okay. Between them. It didn’t have to imply anything. Just a coworker checking on another coworker. Right. He let out his breath and brought his fist up with renewed will.
…Until the door to the office swung open.
A redhead nearly crashed into him on his way out, head turned back as though to throw a last thought over his shoulder to the lone occupant of the room. He turned just in time to see Hanai standing in front of him, startled backwards a couple of steps. Getting a proper look at his face, Hanai realized this was the somewhat new music teacher, Mizutani Fumiki. Fresh from college, he barely looked older than the students he taught. And his face was flushed a brilliant red that almost complemented his hair. He blinked a few times up at Hanai.
"S-sorry! ‘Scuse me!" he stuttered out, sidestepping Hanai to get past him and power walk away, head down, curtain of hair hiding most of his crimson cheeks. With the door cracked open into the office, Hanai heard a voice calling him inside. He must have been standing there a while, gears
turning, trying to figure out what could have transpired within the office to cause the usually energetic music teacher to leave in such a flustered manner. And any explanation Hanai could think of led to the same gut-twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach. He snapped out of it when he heard his name. He turned towards the voice and realized it was Suyama. Carefully rearranging his face to make it at least feel neutral was proving to be a difficult task, but there was no time to linger on it. He moved inside and shut the door behind him.
Hanai leaned back against the heavy wooden door as his eyes scanned around the office, calming pictures of scenery hanging, a light sweet scent in the air presumably from the reeds sticking out of the small jar of oil on the large oaken desk in front of him. All to create a comfortable atmosphere that might facilitate intimacy of the kind needed to trust a complete stranger with your innermost fears and anxieties. Behind the desk sat none other than the school’s psychologist, leaning back in his chair, mildly confused look on his face. For some reason that look felt like a small pressure in his chest, as though he didn’t know exactly why Hanai was there.
"Hanai? Something happen?"
It was irritating.
"Wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn’t see you earlier."
"You mean I didn’t come to ask if you wanted to have lunch today."
Hanai felt the careful neutrality melt away at that instant as his own cheeks flared up, brain trying to control his body and recover from this betrayal of his blood supply. Suyama’s face resumed its normally calm and pleasant demeanor, hint of a smile playing at his lips.
"N-No that’s not it! I usually see you before lunch anyway. I just didn’t see you at all."
"So you just wanted to see my face then. That’s nice of you."
Hanai wished the floor would open and swallow him up.
When the silence stretched on an uncomfortably long time, presumably to give Hanai a chance to explain himself, Suyama spoke up again.
"Sorry, I had a meeting and couldn’t ask if you wanted to get lunch with me."
While the question burned at the tip of his tongue What the hell kind of meeting was that?, Hanai bit down on it in favor of a retort.
"I had to call my sister anyway. It didn’t take as long as I thought, so I figured I would see if you were even in today. A bunch of the students are sick so it wouldn’t be strange if some of us caught it too."
Suyama hummed in agreement, seeming to buy Hanai’s admittedly lame explanation as he leaned forward, holding his chin up in one hand as he watched Hanai. It was like he was analyzing Hanai, who shifted uncomfortably. With a hasty excuse for why he suddenly had to leave, Suyama spoke up as Hanai’s hand gripped and twisted the door handle.
"You don’t need an excuse to see me, you know."
Hanai made a noncommittal sound to show he heard as he hurried out the door of the suddenly too-small office, running his hands through his hair as he headed back towards the staff room. He paused to look outside and calm his pounding heart.
Sometimes he was absolutely positive that Suyama could see right through him.