Archive of Our Own

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Hyunjin wonders, as he struggles to carry multiple bags filled with snacks, some takeout and various other grocery items, if maybe he had gone just a little bit overboard – after all, he was only spending a weekend at Seungmin's and not actually moving in.

He couldn’t really help himself though; it feels as if it has been ages since he last spent time with his best friend. Overall, they haven’t really been able to spend a lot of time together after graduating university. At least not as much as they used to, like when they were younger. They do manage to have drinks together at least every other month, and that’s not counting impromptu meet-ups when Hyunjin suddenly finds himself with free time. And of course, Seungmin goes to watch Hyunjin’s games whenever he can.

Hyunjin is now a professional athlete signed with a professional football team. It might only be K-League 2, but he's quickly rising and getting his name known out there. He spends most days training, while Seungmin works a regular 8-5 at the accounting department of the head office of a big conglomerate company. All that considered, they make do with what they have. Unfortunately, the last few months have been busier than usual, and Hyunjin could probably count on one hand the number of times he and Seungmin have met up to spend quality time together. With the football season finally over, Hyunjin has breathing room for more leisurely activities, and that’s why he’s so eager for the weekend. More so, because this is the first time his best friend is having him over his apartment ever since he moved into it over a year ago.

“Hyunjin…” Seungmin laughs when he opens the door and he sees the amount of tote bags Hyunjin is carrying. “Are you here to catch up or to restock my pantry?”

Hyunjin ducks his head, sheepish despite the teasing in Seungmin’s tone; the latter is quick to pat him on the shoulder, however, and it’s reassuring as ever. Seungmin picks up some of the bags and gestures for Hyunjin to follow him inside.

“I have to make sure you don’t starve,” Hyunjin remarks jokingly as he takes his shoes off by the doorway.

“I feed myself fine, don’t worry,” Seungmin answers, chuckling. “But thank you.”

He leads the way to the kitchen, where Hyunjin helps him unload groceries—and okay, so maybe Hyunjin definitely went overboard, considering he even bought a huge bag of rice. It’s his way of contributing to this little best friend weekend they have planned, after all Seungmin is the one putting him up at his nice and cosy Seocho apartment.

Hyunjin and Seungmin have known each other for a big part of their lives; they had first met through Hyunjin’s cousin, Yeji, whose family used to live in the same apartment complex that Seungmin’s family did.  

They were sixteen, near the tail end of their last year of junior high school. Yeji had a friend, Jisoo, who apparently had a crush on Hyunjin, and so Yeji had taken it upon herself to try and set them up. It was a 'double date,' she had declared, when she decided to invite Seungmin along to a little outing with Hyunjin and Jisoo. The aim was to not make things awkward — but this foresight must have been cursed, because that was exactly how it ended up being.

Nevertheless, Hyunjin had initially been excited and enthusiastic, albeit nervous. He only knew Jisoo from after school academy, but she was pretty enough – seemingly sweet, and as a boy going through puberty that was reason enough to look forward to the so-called date. 

“Is the Seungmin guy nice?” he also asked his cousin, curious about the fourth person meant to round up their little group. 

“Yeah,” Yeji had answered. “I've known him since I was ten, he's never been anything but friendly. Mom loves him. Oh! And he plays baseball—maybe you can bond over that.”

Hyunjin plays soccer, so he didn't understand what Yeji was trying to say, but he figured he was meant to focus more on befriending Jisoo anyway, so he didn't bother with the correction.

And then there was Seungmin – polite and nice just as Yeji said he would be, but also far more apprehensive and almost uninterested. 

“Can't you take someone else along?” had supposedly been his first answer when Yeji invited him, but she reminded him that he owed her from when she let him borrow her English academy notes that one time he had to skip because he was sick and – it was a small favor, but Seungmin (as Hyunjin would later come to know) is like a Lannister; he pays his debts. So he acquiesced and allowed himself to be dragged along.  

“It isn't a real date,” Yeji promised him anyway.

They had gone to an amusement park; halfway through which Jisoo seemed to have decided she didn't really like Hyunjin like that – or, more realistically, her shyness overcame her and she and Yeji ended up attached at the hip as they went on rides, leaving Hyunjin and Seungmin to pair up themselves.

It wasn’t instant after that; they added each other on social media and they would like posts from each other occasionally, but it wasn’t until they coincidentally stepped foot in the same all boys high school that their friendship solidified.

“Do you still talk to Yeji?” Hyunjin asks Seungmin over dinner. He’s glad he had the foresight to bring food from his favorite Chinese restaurant near his home, because neither of them are in the mood to cook anything from scratch.

Seungmin nods while picking on his food. “Sometimes. We chat about your career every so often.”

“Wait—” Hyunjin pauses, eyes widening. “What do you guys say about me?”

Seungmin laughs. “I just update her when you do well—like when you break your own records. She gets really busy sometimes and forgets to check the sports news.”

Hyunjin clicks his tongue; his cousin found herself a job opportunity in the US after graduation and has only been back home to Korea a couple of times since then. Between the timezone difference and Hyunjin’s busy schedule, they have had even less time to contact each other.

“You know, I think she liked you when we were kids,” Hyunjin brings up, chuckling to himself. This was a theory he had when they were younger; even before he met Seungmin, he had heard about him a lot from Yeji. When he was seventeen, he thought that the two of them would, at some point, start going out, but for some reason it never happened.

Seungmin stops eating, even putting down his metal chopsticks, and Hyunjin realises that it’s because he’s giving Hyunjin an incredulous look. “What—?”

Seungmin bursts into laughter, and Hyunjin, even though he was originally amused by the thought, is now confused.

“It’s not such a far-fetched idea!” he huffs defensively.

“Trust me. It is,” Seungmin tells him, shaking his head with a kind of amusement that Hyunjin isn’t sure he can describe.

He clicks his tongue. “I think you’re in denial,” Hyunjin insists. “And you shouldn’t be! Lots of guys liked Yeji back in the day. You should be proud she liked you.”

Seungmin chuckles. “Okay,” he says, nodding; he still seems unconvinced—rather, he seems to be sure of his own stance on the matter, like he knows something that Hyunjin doesn’t.

He’s about to ask and maybe argue some more, when they hear the front door click open.  The apartment isn’t very big, but there is a divider separating the kitchen and dining area from the rest of the apartment, so from where they are, they couldn’t see who it is that just let themself in. His gaze meets Seungmin’s, and the way the latter's brow furrows and the corners of his mouth twitch pique Hyunjin's interest.

“Are you expecting someone?” Hyunjin asks as Seungmin gets up on his feet.

“Wait here,” Seungmin instructs, much to Hyunjin’s growing confusion, just as an unfamiliar male voice calls out.

“Seungminnie?! Are you home?”

“Wait here,” Seungmin repeats, hissing softly before he turns to make his way out of the kitchen.

“Hyung, now—” is all Hyunjin hears from where he is; Seungmin’s next words sound more like muffled whispers, like he’s deliberately lowering his voice so as to not be heard in the next room.

It stings a little; despite not being able to see Seungmin as much as he did when they were students, Hyunjin still considers him his very best friend. He thought it was the same for Seungmin as well, and he thinks that Seungmin wouldn't have a reason to hide anything from him.

That vague feeling of bitterness, coupled with curiosity, is what prompts Hyunjin to get up and wander out of the kitchen and into the common area where he sees Seungmin discussing something in hushed tones with someone unfamiliar to him.

“Is everything okay?” he inquires, mostly to announce his presence. The two men step away from each other and look at him at the same time; Seungmin looks somewhat tired but mostly unreadable.

The other man, a good few inches shorter than Seungmin, but also more robust in build, has fixed a wary stare on Hyunjin that makes him feel small even though he’s definitely the tallest one among the three of them.

“Is everything okay?” he repeats softly, feeling the need to say something just to break the thickening tension in the air; unfortunately the words come out as a weak squeak and does nothing to help.

“You’re Hwang Hyunjin,” the stranger declares. “Of the Greeners.”

“Um.” Hyunjin can only nod; he casts a glance at Seungmin, halfway expecting him to introduce them.

“I’m Changbin, Seungmin’s—”

Seungmin sighs, loudly and effectively interrupting whatever else Changbin was going to say. “Hyung, can we talk later? After this weekend?”

Changbin keeps his sharp gaze on Hyunjin even as he answers, “I need to get some of my things though.”

“Fine,” Seungmin mutters. “Get them yourself,” he adds with a flourish of his hand.

Changbin finally tears his gaze away from Hyunjin, who finds himself breathing a small sigh of relief. And then he watches as the man disappears into Seungmin’s room – presumably to get his things. This confuses Hyunjin, who turns to Seungmin with a curious look, but his best friend shies away from his glance, and instead stares down hard, as if something incredibly interesting is going on with his socked feet – or even the hardwood floor.

When Changbin reappears with a bag, he doesn’t spare a glance at Hyunjin. He walks straight toward Seungmin, who still refuses to look anywhere but the floor. Hyunjin watches as the man lifts his hand, seemingly to touch Seungmin’s arm, only to pull away at the last second. Instead, he whispers something that only Seungmin can hear, and Hyunjin’s breath hitches at the sight of them – they seem incredibly close; intimate, even, and they make Hyunjin feel like an outsider looking in, which maybe he is, at least in that moment. In all the years he has known Seungmin, this is the first time he’s ever felt like this when his best friend is around.

When the door closes behind Changbin, Seungmin looks up and finally meets Hyunjin’s gaze, “So, you still hungry? Dinner’s cold now.”

Hyunjin nods, but deep inside, he has so many questions, not least among them who this Changbin guy is to Seungmin – and why does he know the security code to Seungmin’s apartment when even Hyunjin doesn’t?

They’re supposed to binge watch a drama that Hyunjin has been wanting to see for a while but hasn’t had time to. Seungmin has never been the type to get immersed in television series or even movies, but even when they were younger, Hyunjin enjoyed getting lost in the ups and downs of fictional characters. He liked his life even then, but the glamorous drama that TV offered was always so much more exciting. When Hyunjin suggested they watch this particular series during their weekend together, Seungmin simply said yes; Seungmin always says yes when Hyunjin asks.

They aren’t even halfway through the first episode when Hyunjin decides that he needs to know. He can barely concentrate on the TV screen anyway, so he grabs the remote control and hits the pause button.

“Why did you do that?” Seungmin asks, lips pursing. “The plot was just starting to be introduced.”

Hyunjin sighs and shakes his head; Seungmin faking interest in the drama means he’s definitely hiding something from Hyunjin and that pricks at his heart.

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

Seungmin hums. “Kim Yoojung is cute, isn’t she?” He gestures at the screen that’s paused on a frame of the actress. “Hasn’t she always been close to your ideal type?”

He isn’t wrong, Hyunjin has always found her cute even during her child actress days, when he and Seungmin were also children themselves. One time, as an adult, he attended an industry party and he was introduced to her – she was sweet, and even more beautiful in real life, but that isn’t the point right now.

“Seungmin,” he stresses; he wants to sound tough, threatening, but he ends up sounding whiny instead.

Seungmin exhales. “Hyunjin,” he mocks. “What is it that you want me to say?”

“Changbin-ssi,” he clarifies, avoiding Seungmin's eyes. He doesn't know what answer he’s expecting, and overall, he's feeling like a confused mess. He doesn't even understand why he's so curious. “Who is he?”

Seungmin frowns, he clenches and unclenches his fist. Seconds pass quietly before finally, with a defeated sigh, “He’s my ex-boyfriend.”

Hyunjin stares. At first he wonders if Seungmin is joking; his humor can be a bit dry at times, and he would totally do that. He would totally say something completely out of left field, something that is so ridiculous just to deflect, so Hyunjin waits for the punchline, the telltale chuckle—but it never comes. Instead, Seungmin just looks dead serious. And when finally, Hyunjin gathers enough grit to lift his head and meet Seungmin’s eyes, he just knows.  

Seungmin is telling the truth.

“Sorry,” Seungmin mutters.

Hyunjin feels funny but he shakes his head anyway. “Why are you apologising?”

“Because I never told you.”

Hyunjin’s jaw automatically clenches; his first instinct is to be reassuring and say it doesn’t matter, but he can’t lie to Seungmin so he opts for a follow-up question. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Seungmin shrugs. He looks nervous; anxious in a way that looks so foreign to him, at least from Hyunjin’s point of view. The Seungmin he knows has always been sure of himself. “I don't know. I was scared.”

Clearly, the Seungmin that Hyunjin knows isn’t all there is to Seungmin, decade long friendship be damned.

“Scared of what?”

“You… not understanding?” Even his answer seems uncertain.

“Seungmin, you’re my best friend,” Hyunjin points out, frowning. At the very least, he’s sure that it hurts when your best friend feels scared of not letting you know everything about them—especially something so big. Having a boyfriend isn't something trivial, in Hyunjin's humble opinion. “What was there to be scared about?”

“Well.” Seungmin winces. “How do you feel now that you know?”

How does he feel? Hyunjin isn’t sure. What does Seungmin’s revelation even mean? Has Seungmin always liked men? Was this Changbin guy an experiment? A folly? He wonders—maybe it's a recent development. Maybe Seungmin has been cautious about telling Hyunjin because he’s still just trying things out—and if Changbin is now an ex, clearly things had not worked out. Maybe that means Seungmin decided he didn’t like men at all?

“How did you meet…?” he asks curiously.

“A friend introduced him,” Seungmin explains. “Minho-hyung introduced him.”

“Minho-hyung—?”

Seungmin nods. “You remember Jisung, right?” Hyunjin acquiesces with a slight nod of his own; Jisung is a friend of Seungmin’s from an internship he took during his third year at university. Hyunjin doesn’t know much about him because he has a feeling Jisung doesn’t like him very much. “He’s Jisung’s boyfriend.”

“Jisung’s boyf—” Hyunjin blinks rapidly. What?!

He isn’t sure if the corner of Seungmin’s lips twitch because he’s trying not to smile or wince. Probably the latter, Hyunjin decides.

“Ah. I didn’t know that,” he mutters. “About Jisung, I mean.”

Seungmin shrugs. “I didn’t tell you, so how could you have?”

“Right.” Hyunjin bites the inside of his cheek “So… Since… How… How long were you together? You and Changbin-ssi?”

Seungmin winces. “Uh. Around a year… And a half.”

Hyunjin almost chokes on his own spit. “You were together that long?!”

Seungmin nods, “And we’ve been living together for the last five months,” he adds under his breath.

“Wait. Huh?” Hyunjin knows that he and Seungmin haven’t really been spending as much time together lately, but he always figured that was just because they have both been so busy. Because they were adults with a plethora of responsibilities. He didn’t realise it was because his best friend had been living an entire separate life away from him. Now it makes sense why this is his first time seeing Seungmin’s apartment; why Seungmin had never invited him over even though he first moved in almost a year ago. “Seungmin… Why.. How? I wouldn’t have judged if you told me.”

“I know,” Seungmin says, a faint smile on his lips; Hyunjin thinks the best adjective for it would be bittersweet.

“But—you said you were scared.. What were you scared about, then?” Hyunjin questions quietly.

Seungmin chuckles. “A lot of things,” he answers softly.

Hyunjin is confused. “Like…?”

Seungmin lets out a prolonged exhale. “Look, Hyunjin. All cards on the table now. I’m gay. That means I like men—and I like men exclusively. How does that make you feel?”

Hyunjin takes a deep breath. How does that make him feel? “I don’t know.”

“Exactly,” Seungmin presses. “I know you wouldn't have judged, but I don’t know how it would have made you feel. And, well—you wouldn't have really understood either, so it was hard. Sometimes it’s the things we don’t know that are scary.”

Hyunjin frowns. “You didn’t even give me a chance to understand, though.”

Seungmin pauses and hangs his head. “You're right,” he mutters after a couple of beats pass. “I’m sorry.”

“Who else knows?”

Seungmin shrugs. “Some friends from university. Um. My sister knows, but not my parents. Yeji also knows.”

“Yeji?!” And Seungmin’s sister? It hurts even more knowing that Seungmin was fine telling his cousin, but not him. He understands it’s not something that Seungmin is ready to tell most people, and that Seungmin and Yeji have a close friendship of their own, but they’re best friends. “I see.”

“Um. “ Seungmin looks like he feels really bad, which softens Hyunjin a little. “It… Let’s just say it came up naturally.”

“Since when?” Hyunjin asks.

“Since when has Yeji known?”

Hyunjin shakes his head; he’d rather not know that, he thinks, not if Seungmin is also going to say that she has known for years. “No, I mean—” he gestures towards Seungmin. “Since when have you been. You know.”

“What do you mean?” Seungmin initially looks confused, but it isn’t long before realisation dawns upon him. “Since when have I been gay?”

Hyunjin nods and Seungmin actually laughs.

“Since…” Seungmin shrugs, still chuckling. “It isn’t a choice I made, Hyunjinnie. It isn’t something that just happened overnight, either. But if you’re  going to ask when I knew for sure… It was high school.”

Once again, Hyunjin almost chokes. “High school?!” he sputters.

“Do you remember Felix?”

Hyunjin nods; he was a boy from Australia that visited his grandparents during the summer break of their second year of  high school. He lived for a month in the house next to Hyunjin’s so he had the one to introduce the foreign boy to Seungmin, but between having a girlfriend at the time and being busy with summer training, the boy ended up growing a lot closer with Seungmin instead. After he left, and fall term resumed, Seungmin had been a lot more subdued; a lot more grown-up, even, and now Hyunjin is thinking that should have clued him in on something.

“He was…” A nostalgic smile spreads across Seungmin’s lips, “he was my first kiss. He helped a lot in my self discovery at the time.”

Hyunjin can’t help the frown that stretches across his face; a quick montage of every memory he shares with Seungmin starts to play in his head. They went to different universities, so he could have explained that away as something his best friend went through when they ran in different student circles but they were practically inseparable during their high school years—how could he have missed this? His stomach suddenly feels funny; all those years, he remembers always going to Seungmin with his struggles regarding academics; his complaints about football training; and most of all his petty problems with every girl he liked, had a crush on, and even dated. Seungmin always listened and gave him great advice, but now, with this revelation, he is slowly realising that he had never really been given the chance to do as much for Seungmin. He always knew that his friend was more guarded about his life, but he didn’t know it was to this level—to this point that now has Hyunjin questioning if he even really knew Seungmin at all, and if he even has the right to refer to him as his best friend.

At the same time he can’t help but wonder—If he had asked; if he had poked and prodded more; if he had actively encouraged Seungmin to share more of his life with him, would his best friend have told him earlier? Would his best friend have felt comfortable being more open with him?

“I’m sorry, Seungminnie,” he murmurs.

Seungmin gives him a curious look. “What are you sorry for?” 

“That I never knew.”

“You never knew because I never told you,” Seungmin states. “You’re not a mind reader and I don’t hold that against you.”

“Yeah. But I should have known. I should have at least suspected… should have at least made you feel like you could share with me.”

Seungmin chuckles and covers Hyunjin’s mouth with his palm. “Stop. Don’t,” he says softly. “Don’t drive yourself crazy like this. You didn't know because I didn’t tell you, and I didn’t tell you not because you made me feel like I couldn’t. I just… couldn’t. You’re my best friend, but I wasn’t ready for you to know. But now you do know, and that's that.”

“I want to know,” Hyunjin told Seungmin. “I want to know everything about that part of your life,” he had insisted. “At least if you'll let me.”

There was definitely caution and apprehension detected in Seungmin's expression, but Hyunjin wilfully ignored them. When he thinks about Seungmin having this separate life, it hurts, but he wants to look forward, hoping that this means, moving on, there will be no more secrets between them.

He supposes that's how he finds himself at a cozy café in Hongdae the following Sunday morning, seated next to Seungmin and across the famed Jisung and Minho. Apparently Seungmin always has weekly brunch with them, but he had initially cancelled that weekend in lieu of plans he made with Hyunjin.

“Oh, so you're the other best friend,” is Minho's blunt greeting after Seungmin formally introduces the two of them.

“Other?” Hyunjin, expectedly, is confused.

“Yeah,” Jisung is the one to answer; his gaze is sharp and focused on Hyunjin, and it makes him feel like he committed some sort of crime. This is how Jisung always looks at him, and part of why he and Hyunjin have never really become closer despite having Seungmin in common. “The other apart from me,” he continues to clarify.

Minho snorts. 

“Ah. Okay.” Hyunjin squeaks; he feels even smaller. If Jisung looks at him like he's at fault for something unknown, Minho looks at him as if he sees through him. Like he knows things about Hyunjin that he himself is unaware of. Needless to say, Seungmin has very intimidating friends. “So. Um,” he pauses, desperately trying to come up with a comfortable icebreaker. “How did the two of you meet?”

At this, Seungmin lets out a loud cough while Minho bursts into laughter.

It's Jisung who answers for them, a shit-eating grin split across his cheeks. “Oh? You didn't know? Seungmin and Minho met on a dating app?”

Hyunjin blinks; this is too much, he thinks. Minho is a very handsome man, is that Seungmin's type? “You guys dated?”

Jisung chortles.

“They never got the chance,” he answers with a scoff. “Seungmin cancelled because you called.”

“Huh?” Hyunjin is trying to be patient, but the way Jisung talks to him sounds strangely accusatory when he doesn't even know what he's going on about. “When was this—?”

Beside him, Seungmin sighs. “Remember your first game? You flubbed that one penalty kick so bad, and then your team lost. You called me, and you sounded like you really needed some cheering up.”

“Oh. Yeah... You came to see me.” Seungmin does come to see him a lot after games, especially when they lose, and more especially when Hyunjin feels they lost because of him. He remembers the instance being talked about more quite vividly though, because it had been the one game that set the tradition of Seungmin cheering him up post losing games. Originally, Seungmin was meant to watch the game itself, but work for him had run late—he had not realized that Seungmin had other plans lined up for the evening. That was roughly two years ago.

“Yeah, that was the night,” Jisung tells him. “He told me to go see his date and cancel for him instead because he had—” Jisung wrinkles his nose and snootily makes air quotes with his fingers, “‘something important’ to attend to.”

“Um. Sorry.” Hyunjin frowns, feeling awful even though it isn't as if he knew he had been pulling Seungmin away from a potential boyfriend at the time.

Seungmin scoffs. “Jisung, fuck off,” he says, clicking a  and waving the other man off. “You got yourself a boyfriend thanks to what happened that night. You should be thanking Hyunjin, actually.”

As Hyunjin watches the three of them interact, he realizes that it's somewhat strange. Seungmin is a lot sassier with Minho and Jisung; a lot louder, and a lot pettier. He also seems to have a potty mouth that Hyunjin wasn't aware of. They seem to know how to push his buttons and Seungmin lets them. It's a far cry from the calm, collected and benevolent Seungmin that Hyunjin knows; the sweet, kind best friend always willing to listen to him and always ready with a shoulder for him to lean on and beautifully worded yet sensible advice to dole out.

He doesn't know how to feel about this new side unfolding right in front of his eyes. He doesn't dislike it, that much he's sure of; it's kind of amusing watching Seungmin get annoyed, actually. The thing, though, is that he doesn't particularly like it either. He supposes, if anything, he's envious that Jisung and Minho get to see a side of Seungmin that Hyunjin never does.

“I'm sorry about Jisung, he can be very mouthy,” Seungmin apologises later, when it's just the two of them in his car, driving back to Seungmin's apartment. “And Minho-hyung mostly just follows along with his antics every time.” He pauses, chuckling as if recalling an amusing memory. “Well. Sometimes, hyung leads—sorry, you probably don't want to hear useless complaints about my friends.”

“No!” Hyunjin quickly answers. “I mean—no, you're wrong because I want to hear everything.”

Seungmin smiles, and then he goes silent for several seconds. Hyunjin thinks that's that; and then Seungmin opens his mouth, going on a seemingly random tirade about how Minho and Jisung always take ages to decide on what to order for brunch, always going through the entire menu to make their decision only to go back to the first things they point out.

Hyunjin can only nod and laugh; he doesn't really know what to say, but Seungmin gets really animated and it's nice; it makes Hyunjin feel like he really has his best friend back.

Hyunjin and Seungmin went to different after school academies when they were in high school; Seungmin stopped playing sports after their first year and his parents had enrolled him to a stricter, more specialised hagwon, so Hyunjin found himself in the company of different people most weeknights after school.

At least a handful of his football teammates attended his cram school with him. They also had a classmate who attended a different high school during the day – he was a bit softer; a pretty boy with femme-typical features, with big eyes framed with long lashes and a generally petite figure. He was very smart but he always worked on his own, and it wasn’t a surprise considering the harsh words the other boys in class—mostly the ones from the football team with Hyunjin—threw his way.

‘Princess,’ was his most common nickname, one even Hyunjin thoughtlessly used, but in hindsight, he realises it was always said in such a derisive tone. There were times when this classmate had also been referred to as ‘Ladyboy,’ and ‘Fruitcake,’ and once, even a word that Hyunjin now knows better to utter—or even think.

He doesn’t remember the taunting ever turning physical, at least not when he was around; he’s sure of this because he remembers thinking that a little name-calling never truly hurt anyone, that a little name-calling is fine because a little name-calling doesn’t kill. Besides, he always tried to be nice to this boy—this boy whose real name he can’t even remember now that he’s an adult; this boy that he can only refer to as Princess even in his adulthood.

One time, when he was alone in the hallway, getting drinks from the vending machine, the boy had come up, probably to get something for himself. Hyunjin smiled at him and, feeling generous, he offered him a drink. The boy just stared at him in return, and Hyunjin will never forget this moment because even though he towered over the other boy by a good few centimeters, the way he looked at Hyunjin made him feel small.

His eyes were blazing with fury, like he blamed Hyunjin for so much. “I don’t need your pity,” he had told Hyunjin, and even though his voice was soft and high pitched in a way that made it obvious that balls hadn’t dropped yet, his tone had a steely, icy quality to it.

He had stood his ground, and waited for Hyunjin to leave without taking the offered drink. Hyunjin did not understand it then, but he thinks he does now.

Post-football season is mostly just training for Hyunjin with a smattering of endorsement meetings and a few photoshoots here and there. Apparently he has looks that fit in well with magazine pages otherwise filled with actors and idols. 

Overall, he remains busy, but he has resolved to actively set aside time for Seungmin, and now he makes a conscious effort to put his best friend at the top of his list of priorities. He’s more eager and more frequent in calling Seungmin up, asking him what he’s been up to instead of just talking about what he has been busy with.

“I want to know more about your life,” he had said and he meant it. He wants Seungmin to feel like he could call Hyunjin up any time of day, or week, or month, and he would be there in a heartbeat; he wants Seungmin to feel like he can show all sides of himself with him — because that’s how Hyunjin feels about him.

“Seungminnie, do you want to go out for drinks tonight?” He calls one Friday night, when training is let out especially early. Their coach’s daughter is giving birth, apparently, and Hyunjin has the weekend free.

“Oh.” Seungmin, surprisingly, sounds hesitant. “I’m actually out with Jisung and Minho-hyung right now…”

“Ah.” Hyunjin pauses. He has a feeling that those two don’t like him much, but he wants to try hard for Seungmin’s sake. “Where are you guys? Do you think they would mind if I tagged along?”

Seungmin laughs softly; awkwardly and it makes Hyunjin wince. “We’re… at a club,” Seungmin explains.

“Oh, which one?” Hyunjin asks. “Is it in Itaewon? I think some of the guys were talking about this trending place that just opened. They’re headed there, so I can catch a ride.”

Seungmin clears his throat, and Hyunjin briefly wonders if he had overstepped by inviting himself. “Well this one…” Seungmin sounds uneasy, “Let’s just say that this place has a particular set of clientele.”

“Huh?” Hyunjin, as usual, is confused. “What does that mean?”

There's a couple of seconds of quiet before Seungmin answers again, his voice softer than it had been. “Hyunjin—we’re at a gay bar.”

Oh.  

Silence stretches across the phone line; it feels like a while, feels like minutes long, but in reality it's only a couple of seconds at most. 

“That's okay,” Hyunjin murmurs.

“Hm, yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe?” Seungmin offers.

“No, uh.” Hyunjin inhales deeply. “Send me the address, I’ll go and join you guys.”

Hyunjin feels jittery. He’s nervous and on edge, and the strobe lights and loud music aren't really helping. Nevertheless, he tries his best to swallow down the uneasy feeling. 

His biggest concern, of course, is being recognised, never mind that not one person bats an eyelash at the sight of him. They throw flirty smiles his way, he even gets a wink here and there, but he’s pretty sure it isn’t because any of them realise who he is. So—either they really don’t know him at all, or they're good at pretending.

Initially he finds himself assuming that it’s probably because gay guys don’t care about sports. And then he remembers that Seungmin has come out to him as gay and not only did he play in middle school and some of high school, to this day he faithfully follows the KBO and he knows all the baseball stats. 

“You okay? We can go elsewhere,” Seungmin offers; as usual he’s in tune with whatever Hyunjin is feeling, despite his attempts to hide his nerves away.

Hyunjin shakes his head. “I’m fine. You came with your friends so we shouldn’t just abandon them.”

Seungmin laughs and gestures towards the dance floor where Minho and Jisung are clearly busy dancing with each other; with the way they’re looking at each other, it seems like they probably don't even notice any of the people surrounding them on the dance floor.

“Knowing them, they probably won’t notice if we leave,” Seungmin says with a chuckle.

“Huh.” Hyunjin studies the two of them, watching as they laugh while dancing together; they do seem pretty caught up with each other, like they’re in a world of their own. Hyunjin isn’t blind, he knows Jisung and Minho are both very attractive men; Jisung wears confidence like a second skin, while Minho has features that are seemingly sculpted by the Gods. Hyunjin had already thought before that if he was into men, he would have been attracted to one or maybe even both of them – but something about the way they are with each other makes them even more attractive. “They’re in love,” he observes, not realising he said that out loud until Seungmin lets out a snort.

“Wow, how can you tell? It was supposed to be a secret,” Seungjin retorts, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

Hyunjin laughs and turns to his best friend; somehow it feels good to be chided like that by Seungmin. “Wanna go and dance with me, then?”

“Well.” Seungmin blinks hesitantly, but eventually he nods slowly. “Okay.”

“What do you usually do by yourself when your friends are like that?” Hyunjin asks as he leads the way to the dance floor.

Seungmin laughs. “Well…” He shrugs. “Honestly we used to go here as a foursome,” he mutters, “so it never mattered much before.”

“Huh?” It takes a couple of beats for Hyunjin to recall that his best friend had a boyfriend that he kept secret—at least from him—until just recently. “Oh. Changbin-ssi?”

Seungmin nods.

“Well what were you gonna do tonight if I didn’t invite myself?” 

Seungmin laughs. “They were supposed to be my wingmen—Jisung said they were going to find me someone to hook up with. But they're…” he huffs, his gaze turning towards the direction where the two were still busy dancing, wrapped around each other. “Well they're like that. Annoying, really.” Despite his words, there's audible fondness in his tone that makes Hyunjin smile.

“Well I'm here now!”

Seungmin grins at him. “True. I would have been stuck downing shots at the bar if you hadn't showed up,” he comments with a laugh.

When they dance, Hyunjin discovers yet another side to Seungmin. He isn't the best dancer—but that's not what's new, after all he has known as much since they were in high school; some of his movements are awkward, but he lets loose in a way that Hyunjin has never seen him do before and it's endearing. His smile is bright and wide, clearly enjoying himself completely even if his movements aren't completely in step with the music; Hyunjin can't help but match his happiness.

The strobe lights are bright and distracting, but Hyunjin can only keep his eyes on Seungmin; the bass thumping is loud and overwhelming but it feels like it's beating to the tune of his heart.

Hyunjin is admittedly slightly buzzed by the end of the night, but Seungmin is seemingly just a little bit far more gone than he is. Jisung, quite surprisingly, at least based on Hyunjin’s impression of him, is the only one sober enough to drive them all home.

“It's because I'm designated driver tonight,” he explains to Hyunjin as he helps an extremely inebriated, extremely clingy Minho into the car's front seat; it takes him a couple of minutes just to peel his boyfriend off him, and Hyunjin would volunteer to help except he's supporting Seungmin's weight himself. “We drew straws and I got the short one,” Jisung grumbles in explanation after he's able to buckle Minho into his seat.

“It was your turn either way,” Minho surprises by chiming in, moving to hug Jisung's arm and refusing to let go.

“Yah! Stop being such a clingy baby!” Jisung reprimands him, trying to shake his hold off only for Minho to pucker his lips as if to ask for a kiss. “You're a ridiculous drunk,” he says, but he does lean down to give Minho a quick peck on the lips.

Minho giggles and Jisung rolls his eyes, but the faint smile he is wearing is unmistakable.

Hyunjin laughs; Seungmin is leaning against him, cheek rubbing against his shoulder. “This is why hyung is usually the designated driver,” he whispers to Hyunjin. “He's a much worse drunk than Jisung is—Jisung just passes out and becomes dead weight.”

“Come on! Inside!” Jisung interrupts and shoos them into the backseat. Hyunjin's smile only gets bigger when Seungmin immediately leans against him once they settle.

“Where do you live, Hyunjin-ah?” Jisung asks, their eyes meeting through the rearview mirror as he turns the ignition key.

“Just take me to Seungmin's,” Hyunjin answers; he figures that would be easier for everyone involved.

Jisung lifts an eyebrow at that but he doesn't say anything more; he just gives Hyunjin a slight nod before focusing on maneuvering the car out of the parking lot.

During the drive Seungmin's head keeps slipping off his shoulder, so eventually, Hyunjin moves him to carefully rest on his lap instead. He runs his fingers absentmindedly through Seungmin's hair; Jisung has opted to turn off the A/C, leaving the windows down instead, allowing the crisp fall air to help sober all of them quickly, Hyunjin especially as he simply watches Seoul city lights pass by.

Seungmin hums. “That's nice,” he mumbles, and Hyunjin freezes, surprised and confused at once; he had assumed that Seungmin had already passed out.

“What is?” he asks; Seungmin remains mute, and Hyunjin is again surprised when he simply takes Hyunjin's hand to pat his own head with. Ah, Hyunjin thinks as it dawns on him that Seungmin simply wants him to  keep playing with his hair, so he does exactly that. 

“Hmm. Thanks.”

“Yah. Kim Seungmin,” Jisung calls from the front. “Exactly how drunk are you, huh?”

“I’m just tipsy,” Seungmin retorts immediately. “I’m tired, not pass out drunk.”

Hyunjin snorts at the answer, while Jisung huffs. “Then why were you being such a big baby earlier?”

“Because it's fun when you're forced to be responsible,” Seungmin points out with a clearly inebriated giggle.

Jisung groans and mutters a few profanities that Hyunjin would rather not repeat, under this breath. “Well whatever, we're here,” he scoffs after pulling the car to a stop; Hyunjin is surprised when he glances out the window to see that they are in front of Seungmin’s apartment building. The drive had gone by faster than he realised. “You can get yourself out of the car and up your apartment right?”

Seungmin sighs heavily, grumbling as he pulls himself up to a sitting position. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“And I’m here to help!” Hyunjin chimes in softly.

“Right.” Jisung barely acknowledges Hyunjin before he proceeds to unlock the car doors for them. “I'll watch you guys until you're inside.” He gestures at his boyfriend who is completely passed out, head angled in a way that Hyunjin surmises surely isn't comfortable. “Can't leave this guy alone. You got Mr. Cosmo Korea here to help you out anyway.”

Hyunjin feels his ears heat up at the moniker; this month's Cosmopolitan had an article and a spread featuring five up and coming professional athletes from various sports. In reality, it was five of the most attractive and photogenic young athletes—Hyunjin had almost turned down the offer to be a part of it, not wanting to be known for his looks over his skills out on the football field, but his agent eventually ended up convincing him, telling him that it was a good way to get people to pay attention to him on the field, as much as off it.

“You saw that?” he squeaks out, embarrassed for some reason; the issue only came out that day, and his own teammates had given him grief about it earlier at training.

Jisung laughs. “Of course! Seungmin sho—”

Seungmin coughs loudly, effectively interrupting the rest of his sentence. “Yeah, you guys drive home safe,” he says, rushing to push his door open and stumbling out, dragging Hyunjin along with him.

“Um.” Hyunjin smiles faintly. “Thanks for the ride,” he says, before closing the door behind him 

“Yeah yeah,” he hears Jisung say just as he hears the door shut.

Seungmin immediately leans on him again, and Hyunjin wants to tease him—remind him that he told Jisung he isn't that drunk, but he likes being a help to his best friend, so he simply and wordlessly assists him as they walk up the building steps. Before they enter, he looks behind him and waves at Jisung; he isn't sure if the gesture is returned because the windows are tinted from the outside, not to mention Jisung is already pulling out of the driveway before Hyunjin can even drop his hand to his side.

“Thanks for being here,” Seungmin tells him when they reach his front door; the elevator ride had been quite short since Seungmin lives on the second floor.

“Thanks for letting me,” Hyunjin returns with a proud grin. He means it completely; he's happy to be a part of this side of his friend's life. 

Seungmin smiles, and he leans in. “060686,” he whispers, and Hyunjin has no idea what the numbers are supposed to mean, until Seungmin flashes a lazy smile at him. That's when he realises that Seungmin is giving him the security code. Hyunjin chuckles and inputs the code, only for Seungmin to pull away from him after he pushes open the door. Hyunjin immediately feels strangely empty with his companion's weight off him, but he shakes it off as well as he can.

“Come on,” Seungmin gestures for him to follow, and so Hyunjin does, quietly closing the door after him. He's careful as he takes his shoes off by the entryway and when he looks up, he's surprised to find that Seungmin is looking at him with an almost off-putting intensity.

“W-what?” he stammers, chuckling in an attempt to lighten the suddenly tense atmosphere.

Seungmin shakes his head; he smiles, but before Hyunjin can smile back, he has stepped closer, invading Hyunjin’s personal space. There's a flash of determination in his eyes, and then his hands are cupping Hyunjin's face while his mouth is on Hyunjin’s.

The kiss starts as barely one; just closed mouths pressing together. Hyunjin reacts with shock, lips naturally parting in response. Seungmin sighs, breath warm on Hyunjin's mouth, and maybe it should be a bit gross with him tasting like alcohol. But they both taste the same, probably, and Seungmin's lips even have a vague, peachy aftertaste thanks to the cocktails he had been downing all night. Hyunjin tells himself that's why he's quick to lean into the kiss, lips moving against Seungmin's, tongue eagerly licking into Seungmin's mouth. He wants more of that peach flavor and he'll take what he can of it.

And then Seungmin lets out a soft, breathy moan and it's like reality strikes hard—they both pull away abruptly.

“Seungmin—” Hyunjin exhales. “I. You—”

The other man visibly winces at the mention of his name, looking regretful. “Sorry. I didn't mean to. I shouldn't—”

“No. Don't—” Hyunjin groans, panic rising in his chest at how apologetic Seungmin both looks and sounds; he feels like he should be the one taking responsibility between the two of them. “You're drunk, I shouldn't have— we shouldn't have—”

“I'm not that drunk, Hyunjin,” Seungmin assures him; his voice is still a bit shaky but he also sounds pretty certain. “I was acting for Jisung because of the amount of times he's passed out and me and Minho-hyung have had to take care of him—” he chortles and shakes his head; he looks sad and Hyunjin's heart aches because of it. “Anyway. That doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have overstepped. I know you’re not…” he cringes and ducks his head so he doesn't have to meet Hyunjin's gaze, “I hope you don't think I'm trying to turn you gay or anything.”

Hyunjin frowns. He hadn't even thought of it like that; granted his mind had blanked the moment Seungmin's lips found his. He inhales deeply, and now that his head's a little less foggy, he makes up his mind. Before Seungmin could say any more of his apologies, he pushes his best friend against the wall, caging him in and sweeping down and lands his lips on Seungmin's once more. This time they both adjust quicker, both of them eager as they drink each other in.

Hyunjin could feel the slow rise of heat from his stomach to his chest. Seungmin's arms circle around his neck, while he holds Seungmin by the waist, the two of them anchoring each other as the kiss grows deeper, needier; every time their mouths meet, it adds to the warmth Hyunjin feels all over his body. He has never thought about kissing his best friend before, but he's also realising that there are a lot of things he has never considered in the past, that maybe deserve a second consideration.

When Hyunjin wakes up in bed next to Seungmin the following day, it isn’t the first time. They have had countless sleepovers when they were young, enough to say that they’re used to sleeping on the same bed. Still, when Hyunjin glances beside him and finds his best friend sleeping, a huge smile is quick to spread across his face.

They're both fully dressed; nothing past kissing happened the previous night after all. They had both washed up after finally managing to pull away from each other by the door, and after brushing their teeth, they let themselves gravitate to each other again, sharing a few more kisses in bed until they eventually fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

It's enough to start the day with a good feeling, and as Hyunjin adjusts so he can lay on his side and watch Seungmin’s peaceful sleeping expression, he has to admit to the dancing butterflies in his stomach—that, or his stomach just feels funny after a night of drinking. He prefers the first thought.

“Stop staring,” Seungmin suddenly says, and surprised, Hyunjin’s first instinct is to quickly close his eyes and pretend that he's asleep.

Except Seungmin laughs, and Hyunjin can’t help but slightly open them again to peer at the former.

“Good morning,” he murmurs when he realises that Seungmin is wide awake and is the one staring at him now.

“Morning,” Seungmin returns; his gaze is fixed on Hyunjin which makes the latter feel heated from embarrassment mixed with something else he isn’t sure he can name or describe.

“So, br—” he starts, only to be cut off by Seungmin.

“About last night…”

“Hmm?”

“We should talk about it.” Typical of Seungmin not to beat around the bush; it’s one of the reasons why Hyunjin was drawn to him to begin with. While he’s the type to think and rethink things over and over, second guessing himself all the time, Seungmin thinks strategically and is quite blunt once he makes up his mind. He’s always been the type to sort things out straightforwardly.

“I don't regret it,” Hyunjin immediately says; with Seungmin, his guard is usually down which explains why it’s so easy to blurt out his first thoughts with him; why it's so easy for him to throw caution to the wind and act on instinct – like last night. He thinks he must have said the right thing this time if the smile that spreads on Seungmin’s face is anything to go by.

“Okay.” Seungmin nods. “But… what does that mean for us?”

This time, Hyunjin wavers. He isn’t sure how to answer because he doesn't know the answer. What did it mean? Sure, he liked kissing Seungmin; it turns out, he’s a wonderful kisser. Given the chance, he wouldn't mind doing it again, but… does that mean he likes men as well? Or does he just like Seungmin? Seungmin, who has been his best friend for years, Seungmin who has always been there for him. Seungmin, who isn't hard to like. He doesn't remember being attracted to boys before, although he does remember making comments about certain men being attractive. Park Seojoon comes to mind, and Park Jinyoung when GOT7 was at their peak—but that’s because he has eyes. Or so he thinks. 

Ultimately, he has always only dated women; only thought about dating women. Then again, growing up, he was taught that boys like girls, and he has never had the opportunity or the thought to question this simple fact of life – at least until now.

God, he thinks. Maybe he just likes kissing in general, and, as established, Seungmin is great at that.

(Ha. Even he knows that last one would be a stupid conclusion.)

“I don't know,” he admits quietly. Seungmin’s smile softens; it doesn't disappear completely, but it's enough to let Hyunjin know that wasn't the answer he was hoping for. 

“Well.” Seungmin keeps the faint smile on. “It doesn't have to be anything. You're still my best friend and—”

“But… I want to know,” he interrupts, decidedly. “At least, I want to find out. Is that… okay?”

There’s uncertainty in Seungmin’s eyes, nervousness that Hyunjin is not sure what to make of. Nevertheless, Seungmin nods slowly. “Are you sure?”

“I don't know,” Hyunjin repeats. “But like I said… I want to know. I want to be sure. I… liked it. Last night.”

Suengmin is still smiling, but there's apprehension in his eyes. “I… this is complicated. We've been best friends for years and… I’m scared of changes that will ruin that.”

“It won't!” Hyunjin assures him quickly; never mind that he can’t be sure of that by himself. “We’ll always be best friends Seungmin, but I…”

“But?”

“I want to do it again,” Hyunjin wholeheartedly declares. “I want to kiss you again, and I want to find out what kissing you means. In fact, can I—” he boldly leans in, only for Seungmin to laugh in his face as he covers Hyunjin’s mouth with his palm.

“We should maybe brush our teeth first,” Seungmin tells him. “We both have morning breath.”

“I don't care.” Hyunjin pushes Seungmin’s hand away, and he leans in slowly, only to chuckle as he lands his lips on Seungmin’s forehead instead. “I know you do, though.”

Seungmin giggles softly and nudges his nose against Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

“Hyunjinnie…” Seungmin calls quietly, a hint of apprehension audible in his tone,

“Hmm?”

“Nothing,” Seungmin eventually says. “This is nice.”

Hyunjin nods in agreement, a content smile lingering on his lips. “It is.”

✧

Sometimes, time moves very slowly, while other times it feels like it speeds by without warning. Hyunjin would argue that for the next couple of months, it’s the latter.

He and Seungmin grow closer in ways they have never before, so fast and quick that he doesn’t get to question any of it. If he thought that he knew Seungmin inside out before, he’s now realising that there are so many more ways he can get to know his best friend—and he doesn’t just mean the little sides he’s caught glances of when Seungmin is around his other friends.

He means emotionally and, more than that, physically. 

Hand in hand with this discovery is Hyunjin learning about all the small differences between being with a girl versus being with a man. More so because he always used to date women on the petite side; girls who felt small and fragile in his arms, soft with curves and light to touch. Seungmin is closer to his size, sturdier in built and with more broad planes. He doesn't feel like he can break easily, even if Hyunjin forgets his own strength, but he feels just as warm as any other woman Hyunjin has been with—maybe even warmer if he's to be honest, but he doesn't have an explanation as to why that would be, so he keeps the thought to himself.

With no games and only strictly scheduled training, Hyunjin finds himself heading straight to Seungmin's apartment most nights in a week. 

“So, you two are playing house now?” is how Jisung puts it one time when Hyunjin joins them again for weekly brunch; it felt natural to do as much after spending the night with Seungmin, but Minho and Jisung's questioning looks when he entered the café had him second guessing himself anyway.

Jisung's throwaway comment also makes Hyunjin blush but Seungmin just rolls his eyes. “Fuck off,” he tells Jisung, who laughs in response.

“Fuck off,” Minho mocks him in turn. “Jisung is just expressing frustration over the fact that the two of you seem to have turned into hermits after getting together.”

Hyunjin winces; they aren't wrong. There was one night that he had gone out with them again, except this time around, someone had recognised him. It had been a very awkward moment—in the toilet of all places—and Hyunjin had spent an entire weekend refreshing Naver, nervous that there would be headlines —  or even a blind item about an athlete frequenting Itaewon gay bars.

Nothing had happened, but he and Seungmin had made a conscious decision to be homebodies after that. Hyunjin is thankful that Seungmin cares enough about his career to do this for him but even though Seungmin has assured him that the Itaewon nightlife is more Minho and Jisung's choice of scene than his, Hyunjin still feels a smidge guilty about keeping him away from what clearly used to be part of his weekly routine.

“We're not together,” Seungmin says flatly; and then there's also that.

Even now they still haven't solidified what their relationship really is. Hyunjin feels guilty because it has become increasingly obvious that Seungmin is just waiting for him to figure things out, but the reality is that he's content—settled, even—with how things are at the moment. More than ever Seungmin feels his—feels real, like the best friend he grew up with, but also just a little bit more. Right now, that's enough for Hyunjin. Taking the next step seems like an unnecessary risk—a scary one; scary because of what it will mean for him – for himself, for his career, for his family if they find out.

“Sure.” Jisung scoffs; Hyunjin can feel the sting of his stare even though Jisung is technically addressing Seungmin and not him. “If you say so.” The words feel like a dagger being wedged into Hyunjin's chest; they make him feel sick with guilt – Jisung clearly blames him for the lack of clarity in whatever relationship he has with Seungmin and Hyunjin isn't confident enough to assert that he's wrong.

“Seungmin, should we go away for a long weekend?” Hyunjin finds himself asking when they're finally in Seungmin's car alone together, away from prying eyes and judgment from Seungmin's friends.

“What?” Seungmin pauses mid ignition key turn. “What?” He repeats with a laugh, turning to give Hyunjin a look of curiosity. 

“Like… a vacation,” Hyunjin clarifies. “We have a break coming up because of the cold weather. We should go somewhere.”

“Like where? Should we go skiing?” Seungmin hums, and finally turns the engine on. “Minho-hyung has a friend whose family owns a ski lodge… it would be fun—”

“Wait, no,” Hyunjin immediately cuts him off, only to sink in his seat, feeling bad about his lack of manners. “I mean, that sounds really nice, but… I was thinking just the two of us will go.”

Seungmin smiles. “That's what I was thinking too, don't worry. But it would be nice to get a discount and I'm sure hyung could get us one if he asks his friend.”

“Don't worry about the cost, Seungminnie,” Hyunjin assures him. “I'll pay.”

Seungmin shakes his head and glances at him with a sweet smile. “I can't let you do that. We're both in this… thing together . We have to be on equal footing.”

“Hmmm.” Hyunjin clicks his tongue. “You have to allow me to treat you sometimes though! You can pay next time. This trip is my idea so let me take care of it, okay?”

Seungmin’s brow knits together; he looks unconvinced, like he still wants to argue, but Hyunjin gives him a pleading look that he hopes will be caught even through the former’s periphery. Eventually his expression relaxes, and Seungmin finally nods with a sigh. “Okay, fine.”

He sounds strained, but Hyunjin will take it. He breaks out into a wide grin. “Great!” he cheerfully chirrups. “I was thinking maybe we can go somewhere with a warmer climate? Somewhere in Southeast Asia? Bali? Bangkok? Boracay?”

“On such short notice?”

Hyunjin winces, realising that, in his determined excitement, he hadn't even considered Seungmin’s schedule. “Will you not be able to get away?”

“I guess I do have some vacation days saved up…” Seungmin surmises quietly.

“Okay, awesome.” Hyunjin smiles again. “Just tell me when you can take those vacation days, and then you just leave the rest to me.”

Seungmin laughs nervously. “I don’t know… an overnight trip to a ski lodge, or even Jeju could still work, don’t you think?”

Hyunjin pouts at him. “I promise I’ll plan well, so you don't have to worry about anything. Let me take care of everything and let me surprise you! Four days, three nights sounds way better than two days, one night, don’t you think? And all you have to do is make sure you have five days free.”

“I—” Seungmin laughs, sounding resigned. “I’ll see if that's workable.”

“Yay!”

I love you, Hyunjin almost instinctively adds, but he manages to literally bite his tongue at the last second. The words aren’t exactly foreign to them—he has mentioned them to Seungmin more times than he could count in the past, but this time they feel too heavy; too important. 

Due to Seungmin needing to finalize a few things at work, they don't end up taking off until early Thursday morning, but it works out for the best. Hyunjin would have loved to be able to say that the trip is completely spontaneous, that they talked it over and packed their bags overnight, but he knows he’s lucky enough that someone like Seungmin who loves planning long ahead, has even agreed to his whim. Instead, he uses the extra days to finalize plans, booking a nice hotel and a pre-planned itinerary that he finds to be rated 4.8 stars on the internet. Seungmin teases him for it, as expected.

“Leave it all to you, huh?” Seungmin laughs when they arrive at the hotel that Hyunjin picked, and Hyunjin presents him with the brochure from the travel agency offering packages that Hyunjin had picked from

“Sometimes it's better to leave things to professionals,” he explains, only to proudly flip the brochure to the last page to point at the information there. “They also have an option that allows us to pick and choose activities, they just accompany us and arrange things to fit our days. It’s very… choose your own adventure, and I figured you might enjoy that chance to organize our activities a bit. If not, the second package is the most recommended on TripAdvisor!”

Seungmin laughs and when he looks up at Hyunjin, his eyes are sparkling with mirth; the fondness mirrored in them hits Hyunjin hard and he knows he did well. He beams, and Seungmin leans in to kiss his cheek gratefully. 

“What if I just want an entire day of staying in?” Seungmin asks, whispering coyly into Hyunjin’s ear. He immediately feels tingly; immediately feels electricity spreading throughout him, hand in hand with the earnest warmth that Seungmin’s smile is giving off.

“I… guess that can be arranged,” Hyunjin murmurs. “We can do anything you want to do… We can be anything we want to be while we're here.”

Seungmin grins, putting away the brochure so he can wrap his arms around Hyunjin’s neck. “Good to know.”

Hyunjin returns the expression, his own arms circling around Seungmin so his hands can settle on the small of his back; it makes it easier to pull the latter closer to him. “Tell me I did well,” he whispers proudly, their mouths hovering barely an inch away from each other.

Seungmin laughs. “Very well,” he agrees, and then they’re kissing and Hyunjin can only think that he wouldn’t mind staying in all four days of the trip if they do just this.

On their first day out, they’re assigned a tour guide, who tells them to refer to him as Basti. He’s kind and personable; very good looking in an almost celebrity kind of way—at least, that’s what Seungmin says. Hyunjin almost gets jealous for it, except Basti is fun and talkative, sharing with them a wealth of stories when he takes them on a temple tour around the city, and Hyunjin finds himself feeling as drawn to him as Seungmin seems to be.

“Can we make do without him tomorrow?” Seungmin suggests, much to Hyunjin’s surprise  when they’re back in their hotel.

“Him? Who? Basti?” Hyunjin is confused. “I thought you liked him?”

Seungmin huffs. “I think you like him a little too much, actually.”

“Eh?” Hyunjin’s eyes grow wide in surprise. “Me?”

“You were hanging on to his every word a little too much,” Seungmin says, sitting down on the edge of the bed and leaning down to massage his feet; if Hyunjin knows any better, he would say that Seungmin is trying to avoid looking at him directly.

“He had very fun stories!” Hyunjin argues.

“Tall tales, you mean!” Seungmin clicks his tongue. “Do you really believe he was a minor celebrity in the Philippines a decade ago?”

“Well…” Hyunjin tilts his head to the side. “It isn’t impossible, is it? He’s very handsome.”

At this Seungmin just scoffs, and it finally dawns on Hyunjin.

“Are you jealous?!”

“What—no! I’m also just worried because he kept ordering really spicy food when we went out for meals today.” He definitely sounds a little irrational; a little jealous.

Hyunjin laughs; he's so far gone, finding the petulance cute. “Thai food is just spicy in general isn’t it? Besides, where’s your pride as a Korean?!”

“Did you know that too much spice gives you hemorrhoids? Do you think your coach would like that?” 

Hyunjin blinks. “Wait, seriously?”

Something about his expression must be funny, because Seungmin actually chortles. “I don't know. Maybe.” He sighs, and finally turns to look at Hyunjin directly. “Honestly, I was just thinking that it would be nice to explore on our own…?”

It's a very honest answer that takes Hyunjin aback. “Oh.” He ducks his head, cheeks flushed red. “Well. Okay. If that's the case, then sure—I did say we can do whatever you want while we're here, didn't I?”

They opt out of the packaged tour for the days that follow, choosing to explore Bangkok on their own. It isn't really Hyunjin's first time in Thailand, so he doesn't really mind missing the usual tourist traps, and apparently, he learns that it isn't really Seungmin's either. They take their time, seeing as much or as little of the city as their time allows, Hyunjin reciting interesting trivia he finds on his phone, while Seungmin takes pictures non-stop—both of their surroundings, and of Hyunjin himself.

Like this, the best part isn't really getting to see a new country—the best part is experiencing things together, and doing as much without any sort of care as to who sees them; without any care what people will say when they see their clasped hands, and without any care if people notice whenever Hyunjin showers Seungmin with small affectionate gestures, like a kiss on the cheek here and there.

Like this, they truly feel like a them. Like something together.

On their last night, Seungmin takes him to a club that he apparently had gone to the last time he was in the country – he had gone with Minho and Jisung, as expected, and Hyunjin would guess that his ex-boyfriend was there, even though Seungmin doesn't really give even a mention of him.

“They're really a huge part of your life,” Hyunjin muses after they both order drinks. Even now, a part of him gets envious at the thought; clearly he had missed so much of Seungmin's life in his past obliviousness.

Seungmin simply shrugs. “You are, too.”

Hyunjin beams; the song that's playing is mid tempo and sung in a language he doesn't even understand but he’s overcome with a sudden urge to hold Seungmin in his arms, and what better excuse than on the dance floor?

So he takes the drink in Seungmin’s hand and puts it away on the counter with his own so he can take his best friend—his… Seungmin —to the dance floor. When they get there, the music changes to a heavy bass EDM track, but that doesn’t matter. Hyunjin still chooses to pull Seungmin against him, leading them both in a slow, body swaying dance.

They probably look like fools, and he's honestly feeling flushed with embarrassment but it's their last night. The best thing about this trip has been that Hyunjin hasn’t had to give in to shame or embarrassment of any kind. No one knows him here, and he can show Seungmin everything that he feels without any thought or care for any sort of retribution.

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin whispers, cutting through his thoughts. “Thank you.”

“Hm?”

“For the last few days,” Seungmin clarifies. “Thank you. They were perfect.”

Hyunjin smiles softly. “I know.”

“I wish we could stay.”

Hyunjin feels his stomach clench. It suddenly hits that it's already their last night; that in several hours they'll be on a plane home, headed back to their normal lives.

“Me too.”

When Hyunjin was 12, he overheard a conversation between his parents. One of his uncles from his mother’s side—one of her cousins, in this case—had apparently left for Canada, and the family grapevine was abuzz with the news.

“Maybe it’s for the better,” his mother had said; Hyunjin vividly remembers her saying this because his young mind had been inclined to agree if only because the idea of moving out of the country seemed fascinating to him; the idea of just living in Canada felt glamorous in general. “His father threatened to take him out of the family registry if he continued to choose the lifestyle he prefers,” his mother had continued, and at the time Hyunjin didn’t think much of it.

Hyunjin couldn’t understand what that meant anyway; if anything he figured maybe his uncle had bought an expensive house that he couldn't afford - that was what lifestyle meant, surely? Choosing to live a lifestyle he wasn’t able to afford. Not that that made sense either; his uncle was an accountant for a large firm and had always seemed to make big money, but Hyunjin chalked that up to adult things that maybe he just didn’t fully grasp.

His father nodded in agreement to what his mother said. “I don’t really know how to talk to him anymore,” he had even said. “I simply don't understand it… him . I don’t get why anyone would choose to go against nature like that—I’ve never really met someone like him before.”

A lot of the things they said had gone over Hyunjin’s head. He sat there, eating his dinner and quietly listening, taking in what he could of the conversation, while ignoring—yet passively absorbing the rest that he couldn’t.

Now that he’s older, hopefully wiser, it’s all coming back and falling into place.

The funny thing is, he finally knows what his parents were talking about – but more than ever, he doesn't understand the meaning of their words.

“What time does training end?”

Hyunjin doesn’t see the message until right after training actually ends. He feels bad for leaving Seungmin waiting, even though he couldn’t exactly be checking his phone in the middle of doing football drills.

“Sorry for the late reply,” he sends back before he heads to the showers. “What’s up?”

“Oh. That's okay,” Seungmin responds immediately. “I’m right outside. I brought dinner.”

“Outside? Outside our training center??? Since when?!”

The phone suddenly rings and Hyunjin is quick to answer.

“Since I texted you,” Seungmin tells him without even a hello. “But it's alright. Don't apologize.”

“I haven't even—”

“Yes, but you were going to,” Seungmin points out with a chuckle that echoes through the phone line, making Hyunjin smile. “I know you.”

He isn't wrong, because an apology was on the tip of Hyunjin’s tongue. “I still have to shower,” he says instead.

“Go shower then. I'm sure you stink.” Seungmin laughs. “I don't mind waiting a bit more. It’s my fault for coming unannounced.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll go now!”

“Shower well!”

There’s a click indicating that the call has ended, and Hyunjin is unable to stop the happy grin that spreads across his cheeks.

“Girlfriend?” One of his teammates asks when he looks up from his phone; his grin is playful and the tone is teasing, yet somehow the flips Hyunjin suddenly feels in his stomach are less pleasant and more anxious. The happy smile he’s wearing falters.

“Dude, no!” He laughs, sounding more defensive than he realised he was feeling. “That was just my best friend.”

“The Seungmin guy?” Another teammate chimes in; it’s a harmless comment brought on by the fact that Seungmin has attended their games a few times in the past and has been introduced to some teammates as a result, but something unpleasant continues to stir in Hyunjin’s stomach. Anxiety, nerves—maybe even guilt, even though objectively he knows he has done nothing wrong.

“Uh, yeah,” he answers with a faint smile before abruptly heading to the showers. If his teammates look at him weirdly for his behavior, he tries not to care.

He takes longer in the shower than he intends to, waiting to make sure that the locker room is mostly empty before he walks out. Overall it takes almost an hour between the end of the phone call to when finally Hyunjin steps out of the training center. He immediately spots Seungmin, leaning against his car in the parking lot, busy with his phone while he waits. More guilt consumes him; he shouldn’t have taken his time knowing that someone is waiting for him.

“Seungmin-ah!” Hyunjin calls as he jogs over.

Upon hearing his name, Seungmin looks up, eyes lit up with a brightness that's almost blinding. When Hyunjin reaches him, Seungmin automatically leans in, clearly about to give him a peck on his cheek.

Without thinking, Hyunjin reflexively and instinctively steps away before Seungmin’s lips could land anywhere on his face. Seungmin freezes, eyes wide, and Hyunjin realises what he just did. The parking lot is seemingly empty so it shouldn't have been a problem—especially not such an innocent kiss on the cheek that doesn’t even have to mean much, but still, Hyunjin’s reflexes, powered by his innermost, unconscious thoughts, kicked in.

“I—”

“I'm sorry.” Seungmin beats him to it. He chuckles nervously. “I wasn't thinking.”

“No, I—I'm sorry,” Hyunjin mumbles. “It's just. Reporters are usually milling around here and…”

“Yeah, I know.” Seungmin smiles, but his expression looks a bit pained. “I should have been more careful. We're not on vacation anymore.”

“Y-yeah.” Hyunjin sighs.

The words coming out of Seungmin’s mouth make it seem like none of it is a big deal; that it was a little mistake on his part and they shouldn’t mind it. But the sudden tension in the air tells a different story, and a small gesture that should have been harmless feels more like a wake up call to Hyunjin. 

They're back home now.

✧

Everything starts falling back to how it used to be. Training gets more rigid and whatever free time Hyunjin had in the winter that he allocated to being with Seungmin slowly disappears. He starts spending less and less time over at the latter’s apartment; he tells himself it's all because of their schedules not lining up, but deep down he knows the harsher truth.

Thailand had given them a taste of what they could have if Hyunjin wasn't in his head all the time; if Hyunjin could maybe figure out his priorities. Coming home had done nothing but highlight the stark difference of that fleeting fantasy versus the reality that Hyunjin hasn't changed at all – that he probably never will. Clearly Seungmin is as painfully aware of that as Hyunjin is.

It's late morning on a Sunday, and Hyunjin can't help but think about how Seungmin is probably out on his weekly brunch with Minho and Jisung at their usual cafe. He could probably get up and join them if he wants to; after having spent the last few months’ Sundays attending said brunch, he’d like to think an open invitation is in his hands, especially since technically he and Seungmin are still together — sort of. Whatever it is between them, it isn’t as if they ended it; how can they when they have barely had time to see each other or even talk over the last week?

Truthfully, he does want to go, but he's also scared. Jisung is always staring him down, and it has only gotten worse after Thailand. But he also wants to see Seungmin and maybe just showing up would be better than texting him on Kakao to try and plan something, only to be given cautious, noncommittal answers.

He's deep in thought when his phone suddenly rings; he’s quick to grab and answer, assuming it's Seungmin, only for a female voice to boom through the speaker.

“Hyunjin-ah!”

“Yeji?” Confused, he has to check his phone’s screen to see if it is really who he thinks is calling.

His cousin laughs. “Yeah it’s me. Open your door, I’ve been ringing your intercom for the last ten minutes. Did I wake you up?”

“Huh. What? You're here?!” That certainly has Hyunjin sitting up quickly.

“Yes, idiot. I'm home for the holidays!”

Holidays. The lunar new year. Right. Hyunjin can't believe he forgot; he’s pretty sure Yeji even mentioned the date of her flight – but that’s information he learned weeks before. His mind has been filled with too many other troubles recently that it got pushed back, away from his active consciousness. He groans, feeling bad.

“The passcode is 180607. Just let yourself in.”

“Okay, see you in a minute!”

It doesn't feel like a minute at all before his bedroom door is opening and Yeji is throwing herself onto the bed next to him.

“Hello favorite cousin—!” she greets cheerfully, her smile as wide and bright as Hyunjin remembers it. Yeji had moved to the US shortly after graduation because of a very good job opportunity, and even though they regularly chat, he misses her a lot.

“Only cousin,” Hyunjin points out.

Yeji laughs. “Exactly. I thought you'd be there to welcome me at the airport! I’m surprised you weren’t.”

“Things have been hectic,” Hyunjin explains, ducking his head guiltily.

“Mmm. I bet.” She playfully slaps Hyunjin’s side. “Come on, get up and shower! Let’s go out and eat!”

“Do we have to?”

“Do we have to what? Eat?” Yeji laughs some more. “Of course. Food is a basic necessity. And you're treating this time because you totally forgot I was coming home didn't you?”

Hyunjin smiles sheepishly; she sure knows him well.

He doesn't know what possesses him, but Hyunjin decides to be slick and bring Yeji to the same cafe he knows Seungmin and his friends go to for brunch. He tells himself that there’s no meaning behind it, that he simply likes the food there – that doesn't explain why he doesn’t mention to Yeji that it’s likely they’ll come across Seungmin there, though.

So when he’s barely parked across the street from the cafe and Yeji already spots Seungmin and his friends by the window, all he can do is hold back a grimace as his cousin exclaims in glee.

“Is that? It is—it’s Seungminnie!” Yeji claps happily, hurriedly unbuckling herself from her seat. She turns to him. “Did you bring me here knowing he’d be here?” She laughs. “Oh well, doesn't really matter, it’s like two birds with one stone—I’ve been meaning to go and see him while I’m home anyway.”

She practically throws herself out of the car after it’s fully parked, while Hyunjin sighs and takes his sweet time getting out.

“Oh he's with Jisungie and Minho-oppa,” Yeji observes after Hyunjin walks around the car to join her. “Right, they always have Sunday brunch together. I forgot about—oh! Changbin-oppa is here too,” she adds, and Hyunjin perks up at that. He stares across the street, squinting. The sun is making it hard to look through the glass window, but he can at least tell that Yeji is right because there's four of them.

Hyunjin blinks. “Wait… you know them all?”

Yeji shrugs. “Yeah. Seungmin and I still talk a lot. He told me he finally came out to you a few months ago… and that he introduced you to his friends. Hmm. He told me that he and Changbin-oppa broke up though—but I guess they fixed things?”

Hyunjin frowns, holding Yeji by the elbow so he could stop her from crossing the street, “Maybe we shouldn't eat here.”

“What?” Yeji stares at him. “Why?”

“Don't you think it feels like we'd be intruding?”

Yeji frowns. “What do you mean? Did something happen that I don't know about? Seungmin’s been pretty vague whenever we talk recently.”

Hyunjin sighs. “I’ll tell you all about it if you get back in the car now.”

Yeji pauses, shifting her gaze between Hyunjin and the cafe across the street, looking like she’s considering her options. She sighs. “Alright, fine.”

Hyunjin thinks he sees Seungmin look out the window, thinks he sees Seungmin catch a glimpse of them as he pulls his car out of its parking spot, but he can't really be sure. He shakes it off and away from his thoughts for now. 

“So what’s been going on?” Yeji asks.

They end up back at his apartment with sweet coffee and an assortment of pastries that they order from a Starbucks down the road.

“What do you know?” Hyunjin asks. “Tell me what Seungmin has told you and I’ll fill the rest in.”

Yeji shrugs. “I just know that he and Changbin-oppa broke up. Last we talked, he also mentioned seeing someone but he didn't provide any more details than that so I figured it wasn't anything serious.”

Ouch, Hyunjin thinks. But he can't really complain when he's the one holding back; of course they weren’t anything serious. “What else?”

“Well, like I mentioned earlier, he also told me that he finally told you that he’s gay,” Yeji continues. “He said you were very accepting about it,” she laughs, “and I told him I'm not surprised—I’ve always told him that he should have told you before but…”

“But?”

“But he had his reasons why he couldn't,” Yeji says simply.

“What do you mean?”

Yeji smiles. “They're reasons that aren't for me to tell, but he obviously got over those reasons didn't he?” she says with a flourish of her hand.

Hyunjin exhales shakily. “Seungmin and I…” he almost chokes, almost wants to stop the conversation immediately; but this is Yeji, his favorite cousin and his best female friend, and if he can’t tell her, then who else can he tell? “We’ve actually been… Well, we were? Together? For the last several months.”

“What?!” Yeji’s eyes bug out and she almost chokes on a danish. “You mean you and Seungmin, right?!” Hyunjin nods quietly. “Seriously?!” Yeji whistles. “Wow. Well. Yeah. Figures how and why Seungmin got over those reasons then.”

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks again.

“Well…” Yeji inhales deeply. “The thing is that he couldn't tell you because he was afraid that if he did, you'd put everything together and realise that he has always been in love with you.”

“What?!”

“Yeah.” Yeji nods solemnly. “That, or you would somehow think he's infectious and he'd turn you gay.” She chuckles because she clearly thinks it's ridiculous, but Hyunjin can't help but flash back to the night when they first kissed and Seungmin had apologized and frantically assured him that he wasn't trying to turn Hyunjin gay. “Anyway,” Yeji continues, “I always said not to worry because you aren't that perceptive.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin feels like he should take offense but all things considered he clearly doesn't have the right to.

Yeji laughs and shakes her head. “But yeah. Seungmin… He’s—” She sighs. “You've always been special to him, but he has always tried not to make a big deal of it because… You know. You never showed any signs of not being straight but…” She wiggles her eyebrows and Hyunjin can’t help but laugh despite the heavy feeling in his chest. “I guess that wasn't the case.”

“I… I don't know. I'm still not sure.”

“Huh?”

“I’m just… Like I said, I’m not sure. I like him. I like being with him. I like… You know. Doing things with him—”

Yeji lifts an eyebrow. “Things.”

Hyunjin feels heat spread across his cheeks. “Yeah, things. You know what I mean!”

Yeji chuckles. “Yeah of course,” she says, motioning for him to continue.

Hyunjin groans. “Ultimately though… I don't know what any of it means.”

Yeji gives him a funny look. “What do you mean you don’t know? It all means exactly what you said. That you like him. You like being with him. You like sex with him. What's left to understand?”

“You… You just don't get it.”

“Oh I get it. Of course I get it!” She scoffs. “I went through the same thing, Hyunjin.”

“I… Yeah. Wait, what?!” Hyunjin gawks at his cousin, unsure if he heard right.

Yeji chortles, clearly amused by his reaction. “Sorry. I guess I should have told you too. Maybe if I did, Seungmin would have followed my cue.”

“Then why didn't you tell me?” Hyunjin feels his world turning upside down again; was he this oblivious? So unaware about these important things when he considers these people closest to him?

Yeji smiles softly. “Honestly… I thought I was obvious. The way I would talk about finding girls pretty… the way I never dated any of the guys who confessed in high school. But I guess not, and I shouldn’t have assumed anything. At the same time though, I just figured it wasn't something I needed to declare. It’s just who I am, and it isn’t a big deal.”

“Do Aunt and Uncle know?”

“Well.” Yeji wrinkles her nose. “I think they do, but I also think…” For the first time that morning, Yeji’s bright smile falters. “I think they don't really want to hear it. It’s probably easier for them since I'm based in the US now. If I’m thousands of miles away then they can easily pretend that Ryujin is just my roommate and not my girlfriend.”

“She's your girlfriend?!” If he had been drinking, Hyunjin just might have spat coffee on his cousin; but now that he’s been told, he thinks maybe it should have been obvious, considering all the sweet pictures with her supposed roommate Yeji posts on Instagram.

Holy shit, because he really isn’t perceptive at all.

Yeji laughs. “Now you know.”

“I’ve been so blind…”

“Yeah,” Yeji agrees, patting him on the shoulder. “But it's understandable. Everyone here at home can be willfully blind when it comes to things they don’t understand—things they don’t consider normal.” She shrugs. “But once you open your eyes… we’re normal and we’re everywhere.”

Hyunjin sighs. “How long have you known?” This time he remembers not to ask since when.

“That I like girls?”

Hyunjin nods.

“High school. Around the same time Seungmin had his realisations… Back then we only had each other to talk to about these things. In college, when he met Jisung, I was happy for him, because you know. I was already planning on getting out of here and it was nice knowing that Seungmin found someone else to be his confidant.”

Hyunjin frowns. “It could have easily been me…”

“Yes and no,” Yeji tells him. “You would have tried to understand but… Well. I just explained his reasons why.”

Hyunjin still feels funny; he feels a little betrayed, but at the same time, he’s beating himself up mentally. He can't even say what they are now, so he probably shouldn't be expecting Seungmin to tell him everything when he has his own set of issues.

Yeji sighs. “I can see the cogs in your head turning, Hyunjinnie.”

“He looked happy didn't he? Seungminnie, at that cafe, with Minho and Jisung. And Changbin-ssi. Do you think they're back together?”

Yeji chuckles. “How would I know? I didn't even know you and he had a thing. You should probably ask Seungmin—I know I sure will when we meet up.”

Hyunjin nods slowly.

Yeji rubs his back comfortingly. “If it means anything, I don't think he would start up with Changbin-oppa if the two of you have something going on. Seungmin isn't that kind of person. You know that. And you should also know that you have always been his priority.”

Hyunjin winces; he knows that all too painfully, and he feels bad for it. He feels guilty because it’s become increasingly obvious that he hasn’t done his best friend the same favor. “Maybe they should be back together,” he muses. “He probably treats him very well.”

“Oh trust, he did. But… they have their reasons for breaking up.” Yeji shakes her head. “And don't talk like that! Do you honestly want them to get back together?!”

Hyunjin cringes. “I… don't know.”

Yeji groans. “Don't be an idiot! Sort yourself out and talk to Seungmin.”

Hyunjin grows silent, too many intrusive thoughts making their rounds in his head. Finally, he sighs.

“I don't think I know how to give him what he deserves,” he whispers quietly.

Yeji glares at him. “That's foolish talk, cousin. Who are you to decide what he deserves? That is, and will always be, Seungmin’s decision to make.”

“Are you and Changbin-ssi back together?” 

Hyunjin is an idiot. He has never pretended to be good with words, but he's apparently worse with them than he already knew. He probably shouldn't have opened a discussion with Seungmin like that, and the moment he sends the words he immediately knows he fucked up.

He would delete the message, but the read notification appears instantly much to his frustration. The typing bubble appears as well, but no words come from Seungmin's side even after a couple of minutes.

Instead his phone suddenly rings, Seungmin's name appearing on screen.

“Hello?” He answers cautiously.

“What kind of question is that?”

“I—” Hyunjin cringes. “I saw him with you guys last Sunday.”

Seungmin scoffs. “I knew that was you.” Hyunjin can imagine him rolling his eyes in that moment. “Well what if we are back together?”

“Oh.” Hyunjin feels his heart rapidly drop to his stomach. “Congratulations…”

There's a very pointed silence on the other line before, “What the fuck?” Seungmin hisses with audible frustration. “Of course we aren't back together! We just ran into him and we invited him for brunch, that's all it was. If you had come in and asked instead of escaping with your cousin then you would know that.”

“Ah…” Hyunjin, unsurprisingly, is at a loss for words.

“But you should have known anyway, Hyunjin,” Seungmin continues, his tone laced with icy venom. “Why the fuck would I be with him if we were together? But I suppose I should have known that we aren't really, either, so I'm sorry for making baseless assumptions.”

“Seungmin—”

“Do you have anything else you want to know?” Seungmin cuts him off. “Any more questions?”

“I—”

“No? Okay then.” He doesn't wait for Hyunjin to gather his thoughts properly. “Bye Hyunjin.”

The phone line clicks, putting an end to the call; somehow that goodbye sounds a lot more final than Hyunjin is comfortable with.

✧

All Hyunjin can do after that disaster of a phone call is throw himself at work. It doesn't help that Yeji is only in the country for a little over a week; when he takes her to the airport she does tell him that things with Seungmin are fixable if he wants it to be, but even though Hyunjin nods in agreement, deep inside, he's constantly questioning himself – what is it that he wants?

The idea of coming out terririfes him – the idea of being gay (or even bisexual, which a little online research tells him is very much possible) terrifies him. It was easy when it was just about him and Seungmin; when he could excuse his feelings as natural, coming from years of knowing his best friend. But the bigger ramifications of whatever he had with Seungmin are things he isn't sure he is ready for.

What he's sure of, though, is that Seungmin deserves a lot more than Hyunjin can offer him. He once read that sometimes it's much better to set free the things you love, and he supposes that can be applicable to him and his feelings for Seungmin. So he stops trying to contact Seungmin; it's hard—harder than he anticipated. It feels like losing a limb, even, but he endures. 

After a while, he realises that Seungmin has gone the extra mile and soft blocked him on his socials.

Deserved, he thinks. But that doesn't stop him from occasionally going through Seungmin's instagram page anyway. He can be a hopeless masochist like that.

“Do you really think being the first to view Seungmin's IG stories is making him feel good?” Jisung messages him once, and it only throws Hyunjin into a deeper pit of self-loathing and has him trying harder not to involve himself in his old best friend's life.

Spring is right around the corner, and usually it's Hyunjin's favorite season – it always feels like a new start, especially with football season starting up, and flowers everywhere starting to bloom. 

Unfortunately, it seems that for this year, this is also the season when the universe chooses to prove that it truly hates Hyunjin – or that it loves having Hyunjin's life play out like an unfortunate movie at the very least. Their football club gets a new trainer—a conditioning coach—and it happens to be one Seo Changbin.

When did the world start closing in on him like this? Why does it suddenly feel so small and cramped?

Initially, Hyunjin does his best to avoid any sessions with him. He has his own diet plan and exercise regime that he insists works just fine for him, but eventually, he's left with no choice. The head coach orders him to work with Changbin, and eventually there comes a day when he finds himself stuck with his sort of ex's actual ex. 

If they're even still that – the last time Hyunjin braved a look at Seungmin's instagram, he had seen a picture of him and Changbin right near the top, looking absolutely happy with matching smiles. It would hurt, but he wouldn't blame them if they got back together.

“Hwang Hyunjin-ssi,” Changbin greets him with a friendly smile that makes Hyunjin's stomach curl. “I almost thought you were avoiding me.”

Hyunjin forces out laughter and Changbin seems amused; he must be transparent as fuck, he thinks nervously.

Nevertheless, it doesn't take Hyunjin very long to realise as they work together week after week; as Changbin helps draft a meal plan catered especially to him and helps come up with a training schedule meant to work on his weaknesses – Changbin is a lot kinder and gentler than he appears. The realisation makes his insides feel even funnier, because he imagines that Changbin is likely a lot kinder and sweeter when he's with Seungmin. He has always imagined that Seungmin and Changbin would be good together; he could never really decide if he wanted to be proven right or wrong, but it doesn't matter because working with Changbin has helped confirm that his assumptions are not far-fetched at all. 

“Hey, can we talk?” Changbin asks him after they're done with one of their sessions.

“Sure, what about?” Hyunjjn asks. “Right now?”

“Well I was thinking over drinks, maybe?”

Hyunjin chuckles. “You're inviting me to go for drinks after that gruelling workout session?”

Changbin laughs. “Work hard, play hard?” He shakes his head. “It can just be coffee.”

Hyunjin hesitates. “What about?”

“I think you know what about.”

“Uh.” Hyunjin frowns. He figured that they would have this talk sooner or later, but he was hoping it would be later.

“It's alright if you don't want to,” Changbin assures him.

“No it's fine,” Hyunjin gently cuts him off. “Let me just shower.”

They find themselves at a small, cosy café across the street; Hyunjin with an iced latte and Changbin with some pink frothy drink that doesn't look like it suits him but he seems to be enjoying happily.

“So what is it you want to talk about?” Hyunjin gathers enough courage to ask, because it's been at least ten minutes that they've been seated at the café and no one has said anything.

“I'm sure you know it's about Seungmin.”

“Uh. Yeah, how is he doing?”

“He's had better days,” Changbin says matter-of-factly.

“Oh.” Hyunjin frowns, feeling something nasty rising up in his throat; he doesn't like the way Changbin is being very nonchalant about this when as far as Hyunjin is concerned, he should be making sure that Seungmin is happy. “And you're fine with that?”

Changbin frowns. “Of course I'm not. That's why I'm talking to you aren’t I?”

Hyunjin winces. “Aren't you his boyfriend? What's that got to do with me?”

Changbin blinks. “Are you fucking serious dude? I'm dating someone else—I'm dating Bang Chan.”

It's Hyunjin's turn to gawk. “What the fuck?! Our Bang Chan? Assistant coach Bang Chan?!”

Changbin snorts and nods. “He's even the one who recommended me for this job.”

“Wait.” It had taken a beat for Hyunjin to realise something. “He's…” he lowers his voice, “Gay?”

Changbin actually laughs out loud this time. “Wow. Seungmin told me you have absolutely no gaydar and he really wasn't lying.”

Hyunjin frowns. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Changbin shrugs and waves a hand dismissively. “Nothing important—what matters is that now you know. Me and Seungmin—we aren't back together. Do you want to know why?”

Hyunjin stares, long and hard. He figures it’s obvious what his answer is, but Changbin takes a long time sipping on his drink, almost like he’s going for some sort of dramatic effect.

“Because it's you,” Changbin eventually answers with an affected sigh. “It's always been you, asshole—”

“Did you just—?”

“Yes. I just called you an asshole. Sorry, that's how Jisung always refers to you. I guess it stuck.” He chuckles, his demeanor reverting back to a more friendly one. “But the answer remains – it's because of you. It's always been because of you.”

“What do you mean?” It feels like he’s been asking this so much more recently; feels like he never really learned anything when he was younger that it's only now he's beginning to question his surroundings.

“Are you really asking?” Changbin clicks his tongue and lets out another sigh. “Look—the thing is that I liked Seungmin a lot when we were together. He's special, he's great, but he had a hard time committing to more because, well—” he stares at Hyunjin pointedly, “because of you .”

“I didn't even know you were together when you were together.” Hyunjin frowns.

“So? Doesn’t mean I didn’t know about you. Seungmin was always talking you up—talking about his best friend from high school who became a professional athlete. You could never get him out of the house when a rerun of your game was on—” Changbin snorts. “And when you call and tell him you’re free, he’d drop everything else, he’d say that it’s because it isn’t often you have an opening in your schedule. Why do you think Jisung is annoyed by you so much?”

Hyunjin is speechless; he never asked Seungmin to do any of that for him, and he doesn't know how it makes him feel.

“You don't know any of this, yeah? That’s because he actively chose to exclude you from the part of his life that has us. And that's why— you were his best friend, and he couldn't commit to more, because it was a life without you. And he couldn't let you in because… he was in love with you—”

“Hold up!” Hyunjin stops him, raising his palm. “I know for a fact that Seungmin liked you a lot. He always said nothing but good things about you.” Granted, it isn't as if they talked about Changbin a lot; he was only ever brought up when Hyunjin once explicitly asked about him—and occasionally, over brunch when Jisung or Minho would mention him. Seungmin always smiled when he was mentioned; always talked about him with a hint of fondness that made it clear their breakup was an amicable one. It was why Hyunjin always felt a tinge of jealousy when he would hear Changbin’s name.

“Oh I know he did, but that doesn't change the fact—he liked me but he loved… he loves you.” The one-sided upturn in Changbin’s smile suddenly seems more bittersweet than anything. “Maybe if we met first—but what ifs are pointless. You were in his life first, and no matter what, he was bound to wonder what he could have had with you. And that was what always held him back. And now that he knows… Now that he’s gotten a taste of being with you, it's  holding him back even more. So. Do something about it, is what I want to say here.”

Hyunjin frowns. “I… He deserves someone better. Someone who would be proud of him. Not someone who can't even be sure of his own sexuality.”

Changbin snorts. “Dude we all go through that. We're always going to go through that personal crisis. It’s not something that’s easily fixed—so in that sense, sometimes it doesn't have to be fixed. We’re always learning new things about ourselves, aren't we? But tell me now—do you love Seungmin?”

The million dollar question. Hyunjin only pauses for a moment before he nods; still a little shaky with anxiety, but there’s certainty in his answer.

“Then that's what matters. At least talk it out with him,” Changbin says. “To Seungmin, right now, all he needs is your love and assurance. I’m not going to lie—there will come a time when he's going to need more than that, but you can cross that bridge when you get there. You can deal with it together instead of pushing him away now under ridiculous assumptions like him ‘deserving more’ or whatever.”

“Won't that just hurt more in the long run?”

“Are you saying that you will never be able to give him more?” Changbin clicks his tongue. “Then tell him that directly. Don’t run away because isn’t it worse this way? Like this, you're losing him completely from your life while preventing him from moving on. Dude, that’s no fair.”

“I—” Hyunjin's breath hitches; he hadn't even thought about it like that. “I truly don't know. But I want to. I want to try and give him more. I just really don't know how to.”

“Then tell Seungmin as much. To him, right now, you're someone he has wanted forever, but it also doesn't feel real to him that you can love him back. And yet that doesn't stop him from hoping that it can happen. So make him feel that it can. That you do already love him back. That you don’t know how much you can offer him. Give him options. If it doesn't work out romantically, then it doesn't work out. But youre his best friend, aren't you? Don't you think you owe it to each other to figure this out properly?”

Hyunjin nods slowly, letting the lecturing words sink in; Changbin laughs.

“You know, we never met before but you always seemed like a decent enough guy from Seungmin's stories.” Changbin grins. “Now that I've met you—I can say that I kinda get it. Maybe in another universe if we met first I’d be the one pining after you.”

Hyunjin blushes deep, the heat quick to spread on his face. “What?!”

Changbin laughs louder, harder. “Just kidding! Damn, you really do get riled up easily. I'm just trying to say that I understand it now. Why Seungmin is so hung up on you. So go do yourself and him a solid, and know that this is hurting my pride saying this to you.”

Hyunjin smiles slightly. “Um, thanks?”

Changbin shrugs and flashes him a shit-eating grin. Hyunjin’s smile grows; he thinks Changnin is right, if they had met first, in another universe – well. He also kind of understands now why Seungmin chose Changbin to fall in love with, even for just a short time.

Despite the very honest conversation with Changbin, Hyunjin stalls long enough that eventually it's still Seungmin who finds him first. After one of his games—a winning one, fortunately—Seungmin messages him and tells him that he’s waiting for him at the parking lot.

Unlike before, Hyunjin is quick to shower this time; quick to turn down all invitations from his teammates to go out for celebratory drinks.

“Girlfriend waiting?” one of them asks teasingly; Hyunjin tries not to let it get to him. He only laughs and gives them a coy shrug.

The parking lot is crowded with fans of both teams, but it doesn't take him too long to spot Seungmin’s blue Hyundai, parked in the section where he usually does. 

He jogs over, his heartbeat going faster and getting louder as he moves closer. He taps the driver’s window, and when it rolls down to reveal Seungmin, it feels like his heart stops momentarily. He missed Seungmin so much, he thinks. So much more than he even knew, and he's a big, fat idiot for estranging himself from his best friend—from his best friend who could be more.

“Binnie-hyung told me to expect a call from you soon,” is how Seungmin greets him. “I guess I was impatient.”

“I'm sorry,” Hyunjin murmurs. “I didn't really know how to approach you.”

Seungmin sighs and gestures for him to go around and get in the car, so Hyunjin follows. He throws his equipment bag in the backseat, and straps himself in the passenger seat. 

“Is there anything you want to eat?” Seungmin gives him a soft smile. “My treat because you scored the first goal of the game.”

Hyunjin reflects his uncertain smile. “Anything you want to eat is fine. How about that Italian place near your office that you like so much? All the restaurants close here would probably be packed.”

Seungmin hums. “Alright then.”

The drive is quiet for the first five minutes, and Hyunjin can't help but squirm in his seat.

“Stop being so antsy,” Seungmin tells him with a sigh; his tone is laced with impatience and Hyunjin can't blame him.

“I’m sorry.” He tries his best to sit still, but he just ends up feeling way too stiff. He lets out a sigh. “I’m glad you came,” he starts, figuring that breaking the silence might help.

Seungmin shrugs; he taps his finger against the wheel, which Hyunjin knows is a habit he has when he's trying to calm himself down enough to be rational. “You know a simple text message would have sufficed. ‘Hey wanna go for dinner?’ Something like that—coffee, even. You always used to be able to say anything and everything to me, do you remember that?”

Hyunjin nods slowly. “I used to.”

Seungmin frowns. “You don't feel like you can anymore?”

Hyunjin hangs his head. He can't lie, especially not to Seungmin.

“So this is it then? We’re going to let the friendship—just going to let us go?” Seungmin’s voice breaks and Hyunjin has to turn and look at him; it hurts a lot when he realises that Seungmin, usually so brave and composed, is on the verge of tears.

“I don't want to.”

“Then why haven't you done something about it?”

“Because.” Hyunjin swallows quietly. “I'm a coward.”

“That, you are.” Seungmin sighs bitterly. “This was a mistake.” He carefully pulls over to the side of the road. “What are we doing? Why am I here? Why did I think coming to see you would fix anything?” He groans, looking so sad and frustrated. “Why can't I let you go?”

Hyunjin finds himself reaching for his hand. “I'm sorry,” is all he can say.

“Apologies don't always fix things.”

“I know.” Hyunjin frowns. “There's actually a lot that I want to say.”

“Then say them.”

“I love you.” 

The words roll off Hyunjin’s tongue with such ease that it surprises even him; Seungmin actually gasps loudly.

“Do you, really?”

“I do.”

“But how do you love me? There are many different kinds of love—”

“I love you like air,” Hyunjin answers. “I love you like you're a necessity in my life.”

Seungmin laughs bitterly. “You love me as your best friend?”

“I love you like more than that,” Hyunjin says firmly.

Seungmin turns to look at him. “Don't say things you don't mean.”

“I’m not doing that.” Hyunjin looks at him earnestly. “You know I wouldn't do that. I love you Seungmin—I might be in love with you. But I don't know how to be in love with you.”

“There's no manual, Hyunjin. You love however you want to love.”

Hyunjin nods.

“It's because I'm a guy, right?”

Hyunjin winces but he nods again.

Seungmin sighs heavily. “We don't have to be together,” he says. “I didn't come see you to force myself on you. Really—I think I just came because I needed to know where we stood.”

Hyunjin squeezes his hand; he wasn't lying when he declared that Seungmin is a necessity in his life. He doesn't know how he is without Seungmin, that much has been made obvious by the last month, with them estranged. But there have been certain conclusions he came to that might just be why he kept putting off a conversation with Seungmin.

He recalls advice given to him – that he needs to be clear and honest with Seungmin if their friendship—or anything more is to stand a chance.

“I don't know how much I can give you,” he says slowly. “But I don't want to leave things hanging like this either. I want to try—I want to try and have so much with you but…”

“But?”

“But I don't know how or where to start—I don't know how to make promises because I’m not sure how I can keep them. And I can't ask you to wait because I don't know how long the wait will be.” He takes a deep breath. “I have so many things about myself that I need to learn, and so many lifelong assumptions that I need to unlearn.”

Seungmin nods slowly. “You need to get to know yourself before you can be with me—or anyone else.”

“Yeah.” Hyunjin exhales shakily. “Yes.”

Seungmin smiles bitterly. “I went through that, you know. After Felix, back in high school. Maybe I should have leaned on you back then—maybe if I had been myself with you, it would have been easier for you to learn things about yourself earlier. Maybe we could have gone through this process together.” He sighs. “But maybes and what ifs are pointless.”

Hyunjin nods; he chuckles, remembering that those are almost some of Changbin exact words when they had talked.

“You shouldn't have to wait for me to get my shit together. “

“I really shouldn't.” Seungmin scoffs. “I shouldn't have been waiting for you to begin with…”

Hyunjin winces; somehow, as true as that is, it still hurts to hear. “What happens now?”

Seungmin hums. “I have no idea.”

They look at each other, hands still clasped while they’re pulled up in the middle of the city, on the side of a road. Their future is uncertain, and neither of them know how to proceed – but that's just life, Hyunjin realises. You never know what's next.

And then he thinks about what Yeji said to him, about how he has always been Seungmin's priority. And he remembers Changbin digging in further, telling him that Seungmin has always been so proud of him—how he would drop anything and do everything for Hyunjin. He wonders—how could he not at least try his very damn best to do the same for Seungmin? His best friend. His person.

“Let's have dinner for now,” Seungmin decides. “Our future—together, apart—it can wait.”

It certainly can for now, but Hyunjin is determined. He's made up his mind. He might not know what he's going to do or how he's going to do, but he's going to try his damn best to give Seungmin what he's gotten from his best friend over the years.

He smiles and nods; he gives Seungmin's hand a final squeeze. 

“Let's have dinner for now,” he agrees.

°°°