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It’s been three days since Julian disappeared, seeming as if he was never here to begin with. Portia hasn’t been sleeping at all since we first realised he was missing, and I can’t tell whether Mazelinka is distressed or just used to him being gone most of the time as she has hardly said a word to anyone, nor left her house for that matter.
Asra has tried to help for my sake, but I can tell they don’t want to use their time to search for Julian, given their complicated history. Muriel of course hasn’t seen anything of him in the forest if by slim chance he had gotten lost.
Nadia has even had a few of her personal guards check throughout the entire city to see if they can find him, and the only piece of information they managed to find was that a man who has a stall by the south end market saw a tall figure with red hair walking along the docks as he was helping unload a ship.
Where could he have gone?
Walking down the streets to Mazelinka’s hut makes me feel so cold knowing Julian isn’t around, and it makes me anxious not knowing if he’s safe, even if we haven’t always been on the best of terms.
Eventually, I see the outline to the familiar unkempt home that had accepted me so warmly in what seems like a lifetime ago. In truth it had been about a month since I had stayed here overnight when Julian had saved me from bleeding out.
I step up to the door and knock gently against the wooden surface, taking the time while I wait for an answer to contemplate whether visiting her is a good idea or not. After a few moments of silence I gain the courage to try one more time and-
As it rasps open I hear “who do you think you are disturbing me at this time of night?-” Mazelinka’s eyes lift to mine, and what seemed to be irritation now switches to relief. “What are you doing out here in the cold, you silly child?” With my body frozen into knocking a second time, I’m dragged in by my sleeve once she realises she isn’t going to get an answer.
Mazelinka lets go and strolls off to some nearby candles and lights them, allowing me to see the room which looks just as cluttered since I was last here.
“So are you going to just waltz in and then keep quiet, or are you going to tell me why you’re here this late?” She rounds into her kitchen and pulls out a small cup while reaching for a bag of tea and setting a small pot of water on her stove.
“Oh, I was just...”
Why did I come here? I guess I was looking for some comfort from anyone other than my friends, since they were either breaking down over Julian’s disappearance or not seeming to care about it. I thought things would finally be okay, I guess that is too much to ask for still.
Coming back to reality after a moment I answered her, “I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Plastering on my most award-winning smile.
“Near midnight?” replying without a beat.
I can’t lie to her even if I wanted to. With a defeated sigh, I drag myself over to her small table, “I just couldn’t sleep. Not with everything going on-”
“You mean with that knit-whit not showing up right?” With the water now boiled, she makes a cup of tea and brings it over to the table and places it in front of me, while saying my thanks she takes a seat for herself across the table.
“Yes, I suppose you can put it that way. I was hoping for some reason he might be hiding in that hole you have in your floor.” I take a sip of tea, “he isn’t, is he?”
She shakes her head.
I didn’t think so.
“Why do you want to find this boy so badly?”
“Excuse me?” Asking more out of confusion than shock. She has probably had him disappear for longer and show up at random points in time at her door, or more accurately dropping in through her window.
“I don’t mean to pry into your business dear, but I thought things didn’t go through well for you two.”
A light pink stains my cheeks. It is true though, it hurts to dwell on it, the way things had supposedly ended between us. Nonetheless life moves on, he made his choice and I made mine.
However, “that doesn’t mean I don’t still care for him.” It comes out quiet, resigned. I stare into the luke-warm tea, warbling my knit-brows and the frown set on my face. A couple of moments pass, stagnant in regret.
I gently lift my sight to Mazelinka’s from my cup to see her giving me an unreadable gaze.
She eventually nods, slowly stands and walks towards the curtain dividing the small bedroom. Shuffling through what sounds like draws, she appears again, sits back down in front of me and gently places what seems like a piece of paper next to my tea.
I stare at it for a moment, then back to her in question.
“He was here a few days ago, and I’m used to it by now with him and his disappearances, but,” slowly, as if wary of her next words, “Ilya had asked if I could give this to you the next time I saw you.”
My eyes widen. I don’t know whether in confusion, frustration or hope, but before I have time to react, Mazelinka places her hand on top of mine, “I’ll leave you to read it yourself,” she takes her hand back and stands, “he left one for Pasha too,” she pauses, “he wasn’t even going to tell his own sister.” Then walks away behind the tattered curtain.
Now being alone, my thoughts catch up with my body and I hesitantly grasp the delicate paper, unfold it, and instantly wish I had just stayed home in ignorance.
My dear Apprentice,
I hope this letter finds you well, even though I understand that the circumstances when you do may not be. I just couldn’t tell you this in person no matter how much it pains me to do it this way, and not how I last left you.
By the time you read this I will have already boarded the first ship to leave the docks, and have sailed somewhere far from Vesuvia’s familiar waters. The same dock where I made the worst mistake of my life, in which I pushed you away.
I seem to have a bad habit of doing that, even when we used to work together in the palace dungeons I couldn’t help but isolate myself from people, thinking that if I just stuck to my work I could protect everyone, cure everyone. And yet you, the person I wanted to protect most, were neglected in my care and was eventually taken too soon.
I could never tell you how sorry I am for what happened, no matter how many apologies I give to you. I only hope that this renewal of life you have been gifted is one filled with love, not more pain, which I suppose is part of the reason why I am leaving.
After your heroic feat of binding the Devil, it has opened up new opportunities for the city, to rebuild stronger and to heal properly. I feel it has opened a new chapter to all our lives as a fresh beginning, especially for you. And as I start anew, after having to hide for so many years, I feel I long to venture and to explore the world again, to see what new experiences await me on foreign shores. And I have you to thank for that my dear.
I don’t know what I was thinking, rejecting you the way I did. A kind and selfless soul, in which I regret for not seeing until it was too late, who only wanted to help me find the truth to the mess I had gotten myself into. Who wanted to help ease the pain where I only caused more. Who actually cared for me but I was too selfish to realise, and who I’m sure is tired of hearing excuses from me by now.
I hope for you to know just how much you meant to me my dear, and how hard it is to leave you like this, but please understand that I can’t live in the place where I let everyone down. Where I let you down. However, I hope that someday you can forgive me, though of course I don’t dare ask this of you.
I am just glad I got to be in your life, however brief, I will always cherish it. I won’t be able to forget you my dear, and I hope you finally find the love I could never give you.
I’m sorry my dear.
- J
So he really is gone. All I have left of him is this letter, and the tears that stain it.