Chapter Text
I traced the outline of my brother’s drawing, a string of flowers shaped to look like lungs. Petals decorated the edge of each lung, blooming in different colors: soft shades of pinks, a pop of color blue, and a simple yet elegant dash of white. Each flower had its own unique character, with some in full bloom and some with closed buds, life waiting to uncover in its petals. The latter kind was my favorite.
Each flower symbolized a different stage of life which makes me wonder how my life would be if I had lungs as alive as these. I could feel the air fight its way in and out of my body as I took a deep breath.
Surrounding the lung-shaped flowers was a blanket of stars. Kai said he drew that in an attempt to capture infinity, the whole drawing becoming his wish for me to have healthy lungs for the rest of my life. Too bad that wish hasn’t been granted.
“Okay I think this is it!” a voice coming from the outside said. I turn to see two familiar faces peeking through the doorway. Hyunjin and Jeongin have visited me here a thousand times yet they still manage to get lost every time. I often wonder how they survive with their lack of navigation skills.
“You’re in the wrong room,” I say as they both sigh in relief. “Honestly, that would’ve been possible. This place is a maze.” Hyunjin laughs, as they both enter the room, instantly engulfing me in a hug.
“So, are you guys excited?” I asked once I was released from their tight embrace. Jeongin let out a pout. “This is our second trip in a row without you, Gyu.”
It sucks, I know. But having cystic fibrosis means that I cannot enjoy most of the finer things in life, such as taking a trip with my friends anytime I wanted. It’s not like I didn’t want to go, it’s literally a matter of life and death and when it comes to times like these, CF gets the final say.
“Just sucks that you planned it this time and you don’t even get to go,” Hyunjin said. I then notice the bags of clothes I asked them to bring. I may not be able to see them wear it in person, but these two won’t cut me some slack as their official outfit-chooser.
“I see you’ve brought some clothes. C’mon, We have to pick the best ones!” They immediately dump their bags on my hospital bed, which was now filled with a mix of all the summer clothes they had in their closet.
I scan the pile of clothes Hyunjin had and immediately picked out a pastel-colored shirt that had minimalistic floral designs. “This one, Jin. I think it suits you.” He holds it up for Jeongin to see as well and he agreed that it was a nice outfit for him.
I continue grabbing and pairing some shirts and shorts and pants together until both of them had a set of outfits that would last them for the whole trip. The two engulfed me in a hug once again, squealing in excitement. I gave them both big smiles as I hugged them back.
“We’ll send you lots of pictures, okay?” Jeongin says, giving me a hug once again. “You better! And photoshop me in a few, you won’t even know I really wasn’t there!”
They linger a bit in the doorway and I rolled my eyes as I playfully shove them out of the doorway. “Okay, guys get out of here! Go pack the rest of your stuff and have a great trip!”
“Love you, Gyu!” they call out as they make their way down the hallway. I sadly watch them go, hoping that I was going with them instead of being stuck in this hospital room.
My smile fades as I look back at the drawing on my wall. Beside it was an old family picture taken a few summers back, on the day we went to the beach. Me and Kai sitting beside each other and our parents behind us while we were all laughing. I could feel the tears coming but I pull myself together as I went over my med cart.
To be honest, it’s not as bad as you think. Big Hit Medical, a home away from home ever since I was six; I was used to coming here. I go through the usual things: get my treatments, take medicines, fill my body with liquid nutrition while spending time with Taehyun then leave until my next flare-up.
However, this time feels different. There’s nothing else I want other than to get healthy but this time, I really need to get healthy. For my parents. Because after their messy divorce, after losing each other, I don’t think they would be able to handle losing me too.
Deep breaths, Gyu.
I go through my to-do list, crossing out a few things I’ve finished earlier. Next on the list was to make a video. I quickly brushed my hair in an attempt to look decent enough for my video. I logged on to my YouTube account, making sure to adjust the camera to my best angle.
I once again took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as I flash a smile and press the live button. “Hi, guys! Is everyone having a good time?” I smile as I watch my viewer count rise, a fraction of the subscribers who have been following my battle with cystic fibrosis.
“Taehyun finally let me have my med cart in my room this time. And here are some pills and the equipment I use for my treatments.” I pan the camera to the med cart that was next to me, giving the viewers a good view of the newly-organized med cart I worked on earlier.
I could hear the continuous dings from my laptop as comments rolled in. There were a few that had Taehyun’s name and lots of heart emojis. He was a crowd favorite just as much as he’s my favorite. Plus his handsome face would get a lot of viewers gushing over him every time. He recently dyed his hair blonde too, which got everyone freaking out with his choice of color. It suited him well though, which was affirmed by the amount of heart emojis people comment on my videos beside his name. Ever since I started coming here, Taehyun has been the respiratory therapist here, often playing around with me and the other CFers, like my best friend Soobin.
And speaking of, there was a knock on my door which immediately flies open as Taehyun bursts in holding what seemed to be a dozen chocolate pudding cups that I usually take with my medication. More comments started to pour in, viewers sending never-ending heart emojis and asking Taehyun to come to say hi.
He places the pudding cups on my table saying an enthusiastic “special delivery for Beomgyu!” I pull him over so he could say hi but he would swat away the camera that was pointing to his face. Nurse Jin enters the room behind Taehyun, carrying an IV drip. I had to cut my Livestream short here so I give a big smile to the camera as I said goodbye. “All right, guys sorry I have to cut it here. Thanks for watching! Got to get some things set up and double-check my meds, since you know how anal I am. And by anal, I mean clinically OCD. Anyway! I hope everyone has a great week. Bye!”
I ended the live video and slowly scroll through the comments from earlier as the nurse fixes my IV Drip. Taehyun pulls out a list to double-check if everything on my med cart was complete.
“What would I do without you?” I ask.
Taehyun winks and playfully says, “You’d die.”
“That’s definitely true though! But are you really sure having my med cart is okay?”
“I will still be monitoring you, but I know you’re good to go.” He holds up a pill bottle. “And this. Remember to take this with food,” he says as he puts it back and holds up another one. “And make sure that—”
“I got it, Taehyun.” Taehyun would sometimes get like this but deep down he knows that I’m gonna be just fine. I give him a wave good bye as he walks towards the door and I settle in my bed.
“By the way, Gyu. I want you to finish your IV drip first, but Soobin’s just checked in to room 310.”
“Really?” I say, my eyes widening as I abruptly get off my bed to find him. Taehyun shakes his head as he gently pushes me back down the bed before I could get to fully stand. “Gyu, IV drip first then you can go visit him, okay?” I let out a pout and pretend to be sad, but eventually, break out into a smile when Taehyun rolled his eyes at me.
But really, who could blame me? Soobin was the first friend I made here. Plus, he’s the only one who really gets it. We’ve fought CF together for a decade now. Well, together with from a safe distance.
Soobin and I weren’t allowed to get too close to each other. For CF patients, cross-infection from certain bacteria strains poses a huge risk. A touch between two CFers can be deadly for both of them.
“I’ll stop by later to help you with your AffloVest,” Taehyun says as he leaves my room. I grab my phone to send Soobin a quick message for now.
Hey handsome.
You’re here? Me too. Tune-up.
My screen quickly lights up with his reply.
Got bronchitis.
Just happened but I’ll live.
Come by later, ok? Gonna sleep now.
I lean back on my bed, as I took a deep breath. To tell you the truth? I was really nervous about this visit. My lung function plummeted to 35% quickly. Thirty-five percent, though she would not say it, was a number that kept my mom up at night. It was evident in her Naver search history. Her results would show search after search about lung transplants, lung function percentages, and basically, ways to get me more time.
Having CF, you sort of get used to the possibility of dying young. However, what terrifies me the most was how my parents would be when the worst does happen. Now that they don’t have each other, I can’t fathom what will become of them if my lungs give up one day.
But with Soobin, someone who actually understands, I know I will get through it. Well, once I’m allowed to see him.
The rest of the afternoon drags on slowly. I was able to work on my app, working out the programming error that kept on coming up when I tried to test it out. I put some Fucidin on the sore skin surrounding my G-tube, attempting to get the flaring down. I look out the window to see a couple down the street, happily walking towards the hospital.
As I watch them hold hands and exchange endearing glances, I wondered what it would be like to have somebody look at me like that too. I’ve never been in a relationship. People were too busy looking at my cannula, my scars, my G-tube, but not at me.
I lied on my bed, looking up at the drawing on my wall. I open a vial of Flovent to ease my lungs a bit. I pour the liquid into the nebulizer beside my bed, the machine coming to life as vapor pour out the mouthpiece. There was a knock on my door. I look over to see Taehyun pops in and drops a face mask and a pair of latex gloves onto my med cart.
“There’s a new baby upstairs. Meet me in fifteen?”
I quickly nod and he gives me a big smile as he goes out of the room. I grab the mouthpiece, taking in a quick hit of the Flovent, letting the vapor fill my lungs. I shut the nebulizer off and pick up the portable oxygen concentrator that was charging next to my bed. I put the cannula in as I head over to the door, putting my face mask on and pulling on the latex gloves.
I pushed the door open, deciding to take the long way so I could pass by Soobin’s room. I pass by the nurses’ station, waving hi to some of the nurses walking along the hallway. I grin as I see an over-turned skateboard propping Soobin’s door slightly open. I peer inside to see Soobin curled up into a surprisingly tiny ball underneath his comforter which was amusing considering Soobin was not far from being 2 meters tall.
I move down the hallway towards the double doors leading to the main part of the hospital, go up the elevator, then down C Wing and walk across the bridge into Building 2, and go straight to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or the NICU for short. Coming here for almost a decade now, I grew to know Big Hit Medical as much as I knew my own house. By now I know the hospital from the inside out, including every corridor and secret shortcuts not known to many.
But before I could open the double doors, a room door swings open next to me, and I turn my head to see a tall, thin boy I’ve never seen before. He was standing in the doorway of room 315, holding a sketchbook and a charcoal pencil in his hand, a white hospital bracelet identical to mine wrapped around his wrist.
His flowy, pink-colored hair was fashionably messy like he was on the cover of Teen Vogue and happened to get lost in this hospital. His eyes formed crescents, the corners crinkling whenever he talked. But what catches my attention the most was his smile. A charming smile, with a warmth that seemed to have a magnetic pull towards it.
He was so cute I could feel my lung function drop another 10% as I look at him. I was thankful I had my mask on and covering half my face. I definitely did not expect a cute guy like him to stay on my floor in this hospital.
“I clocked their schedules,” he says as he puts the pencil in his pocket. I shift slightly to see that he was grinning at the couple I saw coming to the hospital a while ago. “So unless you accidentally hit the call button, no one is coming to bother you for at least an hour. And remember. I am sleeping on that bed.”
“Way ahead of you, man.” I watch as one of the boys on the bed takes out a couple of blankets from the duffel bag he brought. What the hell?
The cute guy whistles. “Would you look at that? What a boy scout.”
“We’re not animals, dude,” the other guy says to him, smirking.
Gross. Disgusting. He’s letting his friends do it in his room. This is a hospital, sir, not a freaking motel.
I let out a grimace and resume walking down the hallway to the double doors, wanting to get away from whatever was happening in that room.
So much for meeting a cute guy.