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Taemin leant forward from where he was reclining amongst the pillows of his hotel bed and waved once more as he ended the Instagram live. It’d been an impulse tonight, to turn it on — a treat for their fans before they kicked off their latest tour tomorrow evening. It was sort of a habit whenever he was promoting with SuperM for them to take to social media like this.
Ten was sitting beside him but despite all the smiles and laughter that had been filling the room only minutes prior, he was now quiet as he scrolled through his own phone. Until he wasn’t.
“Have I done something wrong, hyung?” Those sharp eyes turned to him with a mixture of confusion and frustration.
Ten. He was always so perceptive. Taemin sighed as he set his own phone down and shifted to actually face the other. He knew that he’d been incredibly subtle tonight and that none of their fans would’ve noticed the way that he sometimes leant away or discreetly shrugged off a hand here and there, but evidently Ten did.
“No, no, of course not,” Taemin reassured as he settled back against the headboard, too. “It’s just . . . well, you were really touchy tonight? I was just trying to tone it down.” Ten stared at him longer than was particularly comfortable. It wasn’t that Taemin didn’t like it, okay? He loved it. Of course he loved having his boyfriend hanging off him and laughing at all his silly jokes but the thing was that, when they had an audience, he knew they needed to be careful.
Dating as an idol was hard enough in itself, but when he was dating one of his group members that was also another guy it made things infinitely harder. If something like this came out it’d be an absolute shit show. Taemin would have it hard enough even though he’d been in the industry for a majority of his life, but Ten? Something like this . . . he couldn’t afford to be the reason that Ten would be lumped with such a scandal. Fan speculation was one thing, but the cold, hard truth wouldn't have such a pleasant reaction, especially from their at-home fans.
Taemin was apprehensive enough when they first started this . Ten was younger than him. He was still rather fresh in the industry. He idolised Taemin to a degree, at least until he got to know him and their dynamic changed to something that left them as equals rather than junior and senior. Years of passing Ten in the halls and backstage at events, years of admiring from a distance as he blossomed— it’d all come to fruition when they’d been grouped together for SM’s big project. Years , and all it’d taken was a few months of interactions and one heated night for him to decide that the risk was worth it. Taemin didn’t want to live his life with any regrets.
Truthfully, it was probably the best choice he ever made. Ten . . . Ten was incredible. No one could keep up with him like Ten, no one could challenge him constantly like Ten; they balanced each other out in a way that Taemin simply hadn’t experienced before and even with all the time they were forced to spend apart and the stress their jobs put on their relationship, they were still going strong. Two years on and it still felt like they were in their honeymoon phase.
Things were different lately, though. Only three weeks ago a prominent idol (a veteran in the industry) was outed after photos were leaked by a scorned ex. Ever since then, Taemin had been on edge, even if he’d been trying not to show it. This had been his life since he was a child. At times his fans made him feel invincible, but . . . seeing others fall so easily reminded him just how easy it would be to lose everything; he’d always prioritised his career over everything and that was becoming harder and harder after the first exception he’d made, for Ten.
“ Excuse me ?” Okay, okay, maybe Taemin should’ve phrased it differently — maybe he should’ve anticipated that Ten would react strongly. “You want me to tone it down because I had an arm around your shoulder?”
“Well, when you say it like that—“
“I was acting like we always do. Like I do with everyone. So, what, you’re allowed to hang off everyone whenever the cameras are rolling but I’m not allowed to touch you at all in case someone thinks I’m being too affectionate?”
Taemin couldn’t help but bristle. “I’m just saying that we need to be careful is all,” he reasoned in a tighter voice. “You know it’s different, Ten, don’t make this into something it’s not.” Those sharp eyes narrowed even further and his boyfriend slammed his hand down on the bed as he pushed himself up, gathering his charger from the power point.
“Sure. I’m the one making it into something it’s not.”
“Hey— wait, what are you doing? Where are you going?”
“If you’re so worried about me touching you then I’ll go bunk with Taeyong instead.”
Despite Taemin getting up and trying to stop him as he made an effort to diffuse the situation, it was of no use. Ten was painfully stubborn, just as he was, and tonight of all nights he seemed incredibly angry and short-tempered. Instead of having a romantic night in to celebrate their tour Taemin spent the night alone in the too-big bed, staring up at the ceiling with an unpleasant tightness in his chest.
They’d argued before, of course, but those arguments never lasted more than a few hours, and they were never over something so . . . serious. Usually it was about someone’s schedule being shifted or what they were going to order for dinner, not about their relationship.
Taemin hoped that things would have simmered down in the morning, but Ten never returned. When Taemin joined up with the others in the morning to head to the venue for their dress rehearsal, Ten didn’t so much as spare him a look. But Taeyong — Taeyong , sweet little Taeyong — kept looking at him like he’d kicked a puppy and made sure that he was a constant buffer between them. Taemin really didn’t want to talk in front of their members, nor the staff, but the silent treatment . . . it was unpleasant.
If Ten was going to be childish then two could play at that game, right? They just needed time to cool down.
“Whatever is going on between you two,” Baekhyun said pointedly as they waited off stage in their outfits hours later, the music starting to fill the air as everyone prepared to head on stage, “don’t let it interfere with the concert.” A pause, and then a sigh, “every couple fights, okay? I’m sure you’ll be all fine tomorrow.”
(Baekhyun, for all his laughter, took his role as leader very seriously.)
Except they weren’t fine. Ten ignored him the next day, too, all the while pretending nothing was wrong as he made sure they never had a moment alone, always clinging onto someone else instead. Hours spent in airplane seats that they’d switched with someone else so that they weren’t next to each other like usual. Hours of ignoring the way Jongin kept staring like he was waiting for him to spill the beans.
The next night, after another frigid night where he’d had to perform alongside his boyfriend without so much as a glance, he finally got a chance.
“I just need to talk to Ten for one second,” Taemin interrupted quickly as he set his arm between the door to Mark’s room and the man in question, blocking his path with a smile that felt a little rushed and panicked. A silent understanding seemed to pass between the younger pair before Mark slipped inside and let the door click shut behind him like a good boy.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Taemin pointed out quietly as they stood in the empty hallway of the hotel.
Ten smiled back at him but it was . . . it was so fake. Taemin knew fake smiles better than most because he’d mastered them such a long time ago. It was the sort of smile that Ten used during shitty interviews, completely insincere and empty compared to what he was used to, which were filled with warmth and love. “No idea what you mean, hyung, I’ve just been giving you some space. I mean, that’s what you wanted, right? For me to tone it down?”
“Ten,” Taemin breathed out, “come on. You know that’s not what I meant.” The smile faded to an expression that was absolutely icy.
“No, actually, I don’t , Taemin. I’ve never complained about keeping things under wraps. I’ve never pressured you to go public or tell anyone else. I can live with having to hide how I feel. What I can’t live with is not even being able to treat you how I treat my friends on the off chance that someone reads into basic human interaction.”
“Look, it wasn’t supposed to come across like that, I just worry—“
“Well, you won’t have to anymore.” Taemin paused, his brows knitting together as he watched the other. He . . . what was that supposed to mean? That he didn’t have to worry anymore? Part of him hoped it meant that Ten was finally starting to understand where he was coming from, but deep down he knew that wasn’t the case. Surely he didn’t . . .
“You were right. We should be careful. Obviously we can’t do that if we’re together.”
It felt like his stomach hit the floor.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Taemin asked, barely above a whisper.
“I suppose so.”
Taemin should’ve had an answer for that. He should’ve spoken up, should’ve argued, should’ve fought for him rather than just being complacent. He should’ve done something rather than watch Ten leave, closing the door behind him with a definitive thud.
His face was puffy and red the next morning as he silently picked at his breakfast. The makeup staff would probably have his head for it. There was an overwhelming hollow pit in his chest that felt like it kept growing and growing, leaving him feeling simultaneously numb yet filled with a pain that was unique to heartbreak.
Could he even blame Ten for leaving him? No. One stupid comment born from his own insecurities — something that he might’ve been able to solve if he’d just apologised and clarified why he’d felt the need to say it in the first place. Taemin was stressed and overthinking things and he'd spoken before truly thinking it through. It was too late to go back, now. Two years meant he was pretty damn good at reading Ten and it didn’t take a genius to realise how much he’d hurt him.
Even though Taemin wished he could blame someone other than himself for this, he couldn’t — he was an idiot. An absolute fucking moron.
Jongin called him as much, muttering the words under his breath as he stole into the seat beside him. They didn’t have any schedules until just after lunch and everyone else seemed to be taking the rare opportunity to get a decent sleep, but here Taemin was, awake at six because he’d barely slept, and struggling to keep down toast.
“You’re both miserable, Min, just apologise to your boyfriend for whatever happened and talk through it.”
“He’s not,” Taemin mumbled, setting his mug down as gently as possible. He wanted to slam it down — to yell and scream — but he also didn’t have the energy.
“Not what?”
“Not my boyfriend. He broke up with me.” A bitter smile curled across Taemin’s lips and he scoffed, shaking his head. How long had it been since he felt like this?
“Taemin . . . fuck. What the hell happened? You’ve both been so happy.” The thing was, he didn’t want to tell Jongin, because he knew exactly what he was going to think, even if he’d probably be too polite to say it.
Taemin was not invincible. He was still just a person, no matter what the media perceived him as, or what he portrayed himself to be for his fans. For so many years he’d fought to build himself up, to take himself and his brothers as high as possible, and these days it often felt like they were on top of the world. But somewhere along the way things had changed and his priorities shifted; he’d say he didn’t know when things changed but he did know.
Sparkling eyes and warm smiles that were so earnest and sweet. Late-night FaceTimes where both of them were often too tired to talk, instead laying next to his phone and pretending they were side by side. Stolen moments in hotels, backstage, in closed practice rooms.
“I messed up,” was all that Taemin could bring himself to say, setting his cutlery down. Jongin set a hand over his own and squeezed.
“Once the tour is over you’re not going to see him for weeks, Min. I’ve never seen you as happy as you have been since you two got together . . . don’t give up on him that easily.” He hadn’t. No, of course he hadn’t given up on Ten, that wasn’t what this was about, it was that his priorities . . . Ten deserved to be happy , not stuck with him like this, always pretending, second-guessing.
“Mm.”
Taemin was selfish, though. He didn’t want to lose him — to lose what they had. As days and nights passed, each one ending with him returning to an empty bed, alone, it became more and more evident just how much he relied on Ten each and every day.
Concert after concert, Ten drifted further away from him. Taemin was good at pretending, and, as far as he knew, their fans were oblivious to the shift between the groups dynamic on stage, but it didn’t change how he felt each time they stood out there on those stages, always separated by someone. Ten never even so much as spared him a glance. Was it that easy for him to let go?
No, Taemin knew it wasn’t. Ten, too, was just really good at putting on a mask. The mask came off whenever the cameras were turned off.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
Tomorrow night was the last show before they headed back to Korea and Taemin simply couldn’t pretend anymore, even if he was trying to do so for both their sakes. Maybe that made him a terrible person. The smart thing to do would be to let the spark between them fizzle out and pretend it’d never happened — to give Ten a fresh start, one that’d keep him safe from prying eyes and the constant threat of exposure.
Standing in front of his hotel room in the middle of the night was not the smart thing to do. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, but he was doing it nonetheless. Taemin knocked quietly and instantly regretted it. Maybe Ten wasn’t even awake. It was late, after all, maybe he was already asleep, maybe he hadn’t heard it, maybe Taemin still had time to walk away and pretend—
The door swung inward and he was greeted with Ten, his dark hair messy and his cheeks puffy as though he’d been sleeping at some point but he looked very much awake now, indicating that Taemin, at least, wasn’t what’d woken him up. Ten’s eyes widened when he caught sight of him. Maybe he could see just how terrible Taemin looked, even in the low lighting. “Hyung—“
“Can we talk?” There, it was out. Once Taemin opened the floodgates he found himself struggling to close them. “Please. Just— just talk to me, please, and then I’ll leave, I just need to talk to you, Ten.” For a long, tense moment, he thought Ten was going to slam the door in his face, but then he opened it in slow increments and stepped aside to allow him inside.
Taemin shuffled past him and his eyes flickered around the room, unsure of where to stop, where to sit. Few things were capable of making him feel so uncertain. Ten was rather unique in that sense, too. Eventually he sat on the edge of the mattress, fingers pressed into the sheets, and when Taemin looked up Ten was still standing by the door, as though he was ready to flee at the drop of a hat. Taemin couldn’t blame him.
“You want to talk?”
For two weeks he’d been rehearsing. Imagining what he’d say if given the chance. Now, faced with Ten, Taemin was free falling.
“I’m sorry,” Taemin spoke, barely above a whisper, and then a little louder, “I’m so sorry, Ten. I was out of line. I— it wasn’t even your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Ten was silent for a minute. Then, “you really hurt me, hyung.”
“I know. God, I know, and I don’t . . . there’s no excuse.”
“Then why?”
The floodgates swung open and everything began to rush out, unstoppable. “Because I love you, Ten, and because I’ve been in the spotlight since I was a child and I see it all the time. All it takes is one slip up and you’re done. One moment where you think you’re not being watched, one friend who takes a cheque, one person who sees something they’re not supposed to and talks about it. I can’t stand the thought of being the reason you lose everything.” Taemin hung his head down low and let out a shaky breath, hands raising up to settle in his own hair.
The silence was deafening. This was where Ten kicked him out. This was where—
This was where Ten stepped forward, nudging his knees apart to stand in front of him and gently guided Taemin’s head to rest against him; he instantly crumbled and buried his face into Ten’s stomach, arms wrapping around him almost desperately.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.” Fingers rubbed against his scalp and he shuddered, arching impossibly closer. This . He’d missed this so much. “I’m sorry.”
“You made me feel like I was too much , like you thought that I couldn’t keep it a secret. That you couldn’t trust me not to slip up.” Taemin shook his head furiously and forced himself to look upwards.
“It was never that, Ten. I worry that I’m going to slip up and ruin things. Every time I look at you . . . I’m constantly having to catch myself. I go to reach out or to kiss you, to do things I shouldn’t, and I have to stop myself; I don’t want to hide and I hate that we have to.” He watched as Ten’s eyes softened, and as they began to fill with tears, something which ripped at his own chest, and before either of them could get another word out they were moving, with Taemin pulling back so that there was room just as Ten all but crawled into his lap and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.
“We’re in this together, remember?” Ten mumbled against his neck, sniffling. “ Together . No matter what that means. I know that it’s a risk, but you’re worth it for me, Taemin, you know what. Is it worth it for you, still?”
He held Ten closer. “It’s been worth it since we first met, Ten. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.”
“Good, then no more making decisions and worrying without talking to me.” Ten leant back on his knees and wiped at his face, smearing the few tears that’d slipped free before he smiled down at Taemin; even with glassy eyes and a red nose he looked like an angel. Taemin was enchanted, just as he had been the first time he saw him. “Deal?”
“Deal,” Taemin agreed and linked their pinky fingers together for good measure. It made Ten laugh. It was the first time he’d heard him laugh in weeks. “And for the record, I was full of shit. You’re never too touchy.”
“Maybe sometimes.”
Taemin couldn’t help but grin. “I wouldn’t have you any other way, though. I’m your boyfriend, you should pay more attention to me than anyone else.”
“Oh, are you now?”
“Of course. What, you think I was going to let go that easy? I told you, you’re stuck with me, I’m not—“
Ten kissed him through a smile and shoved him back down against the bed.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
The crowd was screaming so loud that Taemin could barely hear their own voices above it but he wouldn’t have it any other way. Lights flashed rapidly, illuminating the stage once more as they all fell into line at the very front, side by side with arms wrapped around each other; Baekhyun was talking now, beginning their final ment to conclude their last concert.
Taemin turned, looking at Ten who was at his left and at the end of the line, and wrapped his arm around his waist rather than his shoulders to tuck him even closer. Fans would look on and probably miss the way he was watching him, and even if they didn’t, well, would they really be able to differentiate it from the way they all treated each other?
Tonight, Taemin didn’t care. He pulled his mic away from his face and leant in close to Ten’s ear, covering the other’s with his palm, and he knew from the angle that any brush of his lips against his ear would look accidental, for the most part. Fan service, at the most. “I love you.”
Ten shivered slightly and pulled away with a smile so radiant that it was almost blinding, ducking out of the way just as Taemin began to mess up his hair and splashing him with his water bottle in retaliation.
Maybe things would come crashing down one day, but even if they did Taemin would still have this: Ten. That was all that mattered and every day between now and then he was going to cherish how lucky he was to be able to stand by Ten’s side on stage.
A warm hand slid into his own and they all bowed to the crowd as the lights began to fade.