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autumn it's around the corner, chifuyu it's taken aback when he notices because somehow, it feels like the first day of summer was a week ago or so, the pass of the time has always been something very hard to assimilate for him.when he thinks about it, focusing just on the present it's a challenge when his past decisions constantly torment him at night and the future seems so frightening, so unpredictable.
but once he contemplates his surrounding, it's undeniable, the presence of the autumnal season it's evident these days, with the way the chilly wind plays with his hair as he stands still.
it almost feels like a caress, like a soft greeting.
the sky it's colored with infinite orange and pink tones fading within each other, the blend of colors almost makes his heart constrict, the scenery looks pretty and nostalgic at the same time, chifuyu doesn't know if "nostalgic" it's an adjective he would inherently attribute to the sky but that's the only thing he can feel when he looks at it.
contemplating the sky, half lost in thought but still watching the sun disappear, minute by minute, chifuyu can't help but think about him.
lately he does nothing but thinks about him if he is honest, he more often than not it's thinking about velvety laughs, silky dark locks, and pretty, pretty eyes.
the blond knows that the way he thinks about him sometimes doesn't have anything platonic, he has had his fair share of crisis because of this very reason, but right now he doesn't have the time nor state of mind to worry about that.
chifuyu sighs dejected, the thoughts are diverting in ways that make him feel overwhelmed, so he inhales deeply, closing his eyes, and exhales, trying to let go the negative feelings, wishing that action helps him to clear his mind.
maybe he is overreacting a little but something is off about keisuke, that makes him feel anxious and he is not superstitious but it kinda feels like a bad omen.
it has been like that for a while now, chifuyu doesn't know for sure what could be the cause, he has tried to come up with reasons that could explain his behavior, asking keisuke would never be an option.
talking about feelings with him it's always hard if not impossible, with the older evading those kinds of conversations and closing off when it comes to being vulnerable about his deepest feelings.
so he thinks and thinks, and for one, he is aware that keisuke tends to get weird around his birthday, gloomy kind of weird. chifuyu realized that after years of knowing him, and then the date it's very close... but deep down he knows it's not just that, there are several days left for the dreary day anyway, so it doesn't make sense.
on top of that keisuke has been acting reserved and that alone is something very out of the ordinary, considering the black-haired is always so loud and blunt, taking direct action whenever something is bothering him.
these past days, keisuke sometimes even seems like another person, distant and disconnected. and that doesn't sit well with chifuyu, a weird feeling has settled on the pit of his stomach since keisuke's strange behavior started, the sleepless nights are witness of his distress.
if something is happening with keisuke, it's going to affect ToMan in some way, he's certain about that, the older is the first division captain and a founding member, after all, he is a pillar for the organization and the boys, just thinking about any conflict happening has chifuyu biting his trembling lip.
god, in moments like this he wishes he had the mental strength of mitsuya.
what bothers him the most if he really ponders, is that keisuke is not only his captain, keisuke is his friend, more than that even, keisuke is precious to chifuyu. and to think the black-haired is dealing with something alone, probably having a bad time, makes his heart squeeze in pain.
he comes back to reality, leaving his thoughts behind.
the sun set a few hours ago, the sky is now painted in a shade of navy blue and darker tones, a small number of stars grace the firmament, the wind feels colder against the bits of skin that are not covered by clothes, chifuyu's bones, resented by all the hits he's taken all these years ache with the change of temperature, chills run through his entire body. he doesn't want to get sick and his stomach is reminding him he is supposed to fill it with food so he decides it's time to go home.
a pang of guilt invades him as he is walking and thinks of his mother, she probably waited for him to eat dinner together again, but as always, he didn't make it on time.
when chifuyu enters the building complex they both live in, lost in thoughts again, his eyes, like a reflex, still search for keisuke's bedroom window, expecting to see it illuminated by the warm light of his lamp, instead, darkness greets him.
a little smile is drawn on his face when he sees that the window is open just enough so the stray cats can come and go as they please.
the smile fades completely when he is certain, though.
keisuke isn't home
it's early for him to be asleep, so he probably isn't home.
but then, where is he?
chifuyu looks away reluctantly after some minutes pass, some delusional part of him was waiting for keisuke's bedroom to suddenly fill with light and to see his friend peeking out from his window with a smile plastered on his face. anxiety starts to slowly but surely take over his body.
the blond remembers he is supposed to go home, but his mind stays outside keisuke's window contemplating his absence, he can't help but keep wondering his whereabouts.
the corridor that leads to his apartment is empty, the cheap light bulb is flickering, is probably going to burn out soon.
the door doesn't make any sound when he opens it, he handles it carefully to close it, because his mom is probably sleeping by now and chifuyu doesn't want to wake her, it's very late and he is not in the mood to argue and deal with the concern on her voice. only the lamp in the dining room is lit, barely lighting up the place.
a plate with cold food lays on the table.
he considers for a few seconds to warm the food and eat it but all the thoughts pestering him made him lose his appetite, so he decides against it, his stomach still protest.
he goes straight to his bedroom in the end, closing the door once in, he doesn't even turn on the lights, he is very tired so he just lets his body crash into the bed, not even bothering to wear something more comfortable to sleep in.
nothing really happened today for him to feel like that, but his mind is on overdrive and he can't keep up with it anymore.
mentally, emotionally he is more exhausted than ever.
a few moments pass and his eyes are heavy with sleep, he is starting to drift off, lulled for the sound of the cicadas and the background noises of the city, when the sound of a clear knock on the crystal of his window wakes him up completely.
it has to be him, keisuke is the only one who would ever go to see him at ungodly hours without prior notice.
chifuyu gets on his feet and walks toward his window with slow, heavy steps because he is really tired.
the window is covered by the curtains and the shadow of a silhouette reflects on the fabric, he is familiarized with the silhouette, he could recognize it anywhere, he has it practically printed it on his mind, his hand trembles when he is about to reach the window, the expectation of having the black-haired by his side makes his heart beat erratically.
once the curtains are drawn and the window is open, keisuke invites himself in, making his entrance carefully, to not make a mess or hurt chifuyu or himself in the process. he jumps when his body fully entered, he didn't calculate the distance very well, so he ends up standing very close to chifuyu's comfort.
both teens make eye contact at the same time but they look away quickly, neither of them utters a word, few seconds pass and keisuke puts some distance between them, chifuyu breaths easy again.
a smirk tugs baji's lips, his eyes, bright with mirth scan the younger's face, the blond can't help but lock his eyes with him. keisuke’s glance doesn't falter but it's not as open, not like it used to be chifuyu notices. he is trying to hide something, putting on a facade. it's obvious.
"hey" the black-haired practically whispers, keisuke's eyes never looking away
"baji-san" chifuyu lets out, a mix between relief and annoyance resonates on his voice
"hmm?, why so formal fuyu?, there is none around" a small laugh escapes the older's lips, as he tilts his head playful
"keisuke" it sounds more like a sigh than anything, chifuyu it's starting to feel restless
"ah, that's more like it" the carefree attitude of keisuke doesn't help to put him at ease, on the contrary, it's starting to irritate him
the conversation it’s entertaining for the older, it seems, because there is a funny grin adorning his face "you look like shit by the way"
keisuke is always picking on him, most of the time, he doesn't mean any harm, their dynamic it's built on that, but right now he isn't in the mood to play along, so an annoyed huff escapes his lips
"you look like shit too" chifuyu can't help but roll his eyes as he says so
"hey, hey don't get mad" keisuke lets out an amused laugh
he is really enjoying this, that infuriates chifuyu though he doesn’t know very well what’s the reasoning behind that, perhaps the fact that there is something keisuke isn’t telling him and everything just feels wrong
"I'm not mad, asshole" he's just worn out, it’s what he really wants to say but if he actually pronounced those words keisuke could suspect something is bothering him and he doesn't want him all preoccupied. he is not sure if he is ready to confront him, on top of that, what if everything it’s on his mind? what if the older thinks he’s irritating for getting anxious over nothing?
"sure, sure" he laughs, the black haired hasn’t noticed his inner turmoil, that’s good
keisuke's laugh doesn't irk chifuyu this time, because it sounds so genuine.
the guy is a jerk, laughing at his expenses, that much is true
but chifuyu actually likes when the older throws his head back while laughing because he finds something hilarious, it’s a pretty sight and it makes his heart fill with warmth until it melts. a tiny laugh makes its way on chifuyu's lips and escapes them without permission, making chifuyu feel dumb for not being able to control himself when keisuke it’s around.
still, the nice moment doesn't last long, the laughs die down after few seconds, the cicadas and the sound of the drag of tires on the pavement are the background noise for that cold night again, and anxious thoughts flood chifuyu's mind.
“what’s up, chifuyu?” keisuke, even with his rough nature, is very perceptive and caring, so once he is aware something is going on, he doesn’t let it go
“huh?.. no- it's nothing” probably talking about it, asking the questions he so desperately wants to make would help a lot to calm him down but with keisuke looking at him, with that piercing gaze, he can’t even think straight.
it's almost pathetic how even the most mundane things about the black-haired makes him lose his mind.
“are you sure about that?” there is some annoyance on his voice and he is probably struggling to not make a fuse and escalate things, keisuke’s short temper is nothing to play around with, his brows are starting to furrow when chifuyu doesn’t say a word for a while
“ah baji-san… why are you-…” he starts to complain but when he looks up and sees keisuke’s eyes glisten with concern and doubt, he stops and considers his options. chifuyu looks at him once more and averts his eyes before words can make their way out of his lips, fuck it.
“ok then... where were you?” he is staring at the floor, clenching and unclenching his fists, he doesn’t know why this whole situation is making him feel so uneasy like he is fearing what keisuke could tell him
“hmm… i was… around” the ambiguity on his words makes him stare at him bewildered
he is not telling him?
after cornering him to speak a few moments ago?
“alright, do not tell me, if that’s what you want” he walks to the window stomping his feet, he needs some fresh air.
threatening tears flood the corner of his eyes, he is feeling so many things and none of them are pleasant. he is not letting the older see him like that, he keeps his back facing him.
he doesn't really want to cry, but he is worried and frustrated, and he knows keisuke is not giving in.
"it's none of your business" the words are harsh and feel like a slap that stings on his cheek, but the tone is soft and persuading, if he doesn't press anymore, this is probably the only answer he would get and it's not enough.
"why not?" it's a barely audible mumble, but keisuke always listens well, in more than one sense
"because I'm already taking care of it" his voice sounds very solemn and chifuyu almost doesn't want to keep digging, but he's on edge and he can't back down now
"taking care of it? what are you talking about? is this something the guys should know about?" chifuyu's mind is suddenly filled with the worst scenarios and possibilities
"hm.. 'don't think so"
"keisuke" chifuyu says instead of "please" and the older understands, chifuyu's worry and insistence, and he feels truly awful for place him in this situation.
"chifuyu" the sound of the steps it's muffled by the wooden floor but the blond it's aware baji it's standing closer to him, he doesn't turn to make sure of it, he can't face him yet
"if you are not telling them... at least I need to know! I'm your vice-captain and-" tears are not longer gathering on the brim of his eyes, but his voice it's shaking
"no"
it's simple, just a two-letter word, but the intention of the said word it's strong enough to knock the air out of his lungs
why talking to him must be this hard?
"no?... baji-san! please..." the tears come back and sting on his eyes, it does sound like he is going to start crying now, maybe he is, who is he fooling? the desperation is closing his throat and blurring his sight "just please, tell me... i can help you, i w-want to help you"
he doesn't know if he can really help him, he doesn't know for sure if there is something happening, he doesn't-
an odd laugh leaves keisuke's lips and that stops the frantic noise building on chifuyu's head
it grounds him
brings him back to his room, to the moment
"chifuyu..." there is nothing but affection laced on his voice, the name is smooth on his lips "you're a mess... oh god" he comes closer and at first, his instinct is to envelop his arms on the smaller boy to hold him, but he's not sure if he can do that, would it be too much?
in the end, he lays a hand on chifuyu's right shoulder and in an awkward attempt to comfort him he squeezes it.
"hey listen to me" chifuyu doesn't move from where he is standing and keeps his mouth shut, not trusting himself with how emotional he got over keisuke's negatives, but his posture is more relaxed and his mind is no longer torturing him.
"chifuyu, please look at me" the hand it's no longer on his shoulder and the heat of the body behind him feels distant, he misses the sensation, so chifuyu turns slowly but doesn't meet his eyes
"i can't tell you, it's not that I don't want to... i just can't tell you, okay?" keisuke it's fidgeting and that's a new sight, but he is being honest, the tone of his voice sounds apologetic
"why?"
"i can't tell you either... but, trust in me please?" it's somber, the way he says it, it's impossible for chifuyu to not look at him when he listens to those words
"everything it's going to be alright, i promise... just don't make more questions" adds quickly, he sounds tired and his words feel like a plea, but his eyes don't waver
"i trust you with my life baji-san" it's the one thing he is more certain about in the world. if he wasn't a coward, he would take keisuke's hands on his own
the urge to do it it's numbing
"i know" keisuke's lips tug to form a little smile
they are transfixed, contemplating the other, the moonlight barely lets them make out their faces, but it reflects just fine on their pupils.
their eyes are like flaring beacons guiding the other through the deepest darkness.
there are words stuck and feelings combusting on his inside, chifuyu it's actually surprised he's not catching on fire. the atmosphere feels electrified and heavy, at this rate he can't trust himself, he feels reckless, he's going to ruin it.
"if you are not here to talk to me, why did you came?" he can't help it, the words are pronounced before he registers them, it was an inner question
"i wanted to see you" he sounds sincere but chifuyu can't process what he is saying, nor the meaning, there is no bite, so he must be serious
" w-what...why?"
what is he doing?
why is he asking?
they are entering dangerous terrain, he can feel it.
"you're pretty" there is something foreign shining on keisuke's eyes,
has he always looked at him like that?
no, he would have noticed
wait
"huh?" to say he is surprised it's an understatement
"c'mon... like you don't know!" he laughs nervously, and for the first time since he knows him, keisuke casts his eyes down out of bashfulness
"i-i actually don't?" it's a thought that would never occur to him
"well, you are, i mean like seriously" the confidence keisuke exuded when he first said the words it's faltering, he's playing with a strand of hair mindlessly, almost like he is searching for excuses to not look at the blond
"I'm pretty..." it's not something chifuyu would say about him before since he met keisuke he's been more interested in the captivating beauty of the black-haired, so thinking about his own beauty was something weirdly new to him.
"yeah"
it wasn't an actual question, keisuke notices and bites his lip.
chifuyu was just repeating out loud what keisuke said but the way he confirmed what he said so adamantly makes his cheeks start blooming in red, he hopes the older isn't able to see him, he's mortified
the silence is starting to weigh a ton for every minute it stretches
"uh.. can i sleep here?" it's weird to see keisuke acting all shy and on the verge of stuttering, but he gets it, he himself feels like a total mess
he needs to do something, anything to bring back the easiness with they usually talk to each other, so he takes the opportunity he's given
"yes, you can't get out from the front door anyway and you would probably fall if you tried to exit the window" even when he's three seconds away to shake because he's all jittery, the whole situation feels thrilling.
he stills tired but the change in attitude on keisuke awakes his curiosity and playfulness, even when a part of him tells him this could go wrong
"i wouldn't fall off, you dumbass" he is so offended by the statement it's funny, chifuyu giggles. ok, he likes to annoy the older too
his eyes close out of exhaustion
"yeah whatever, just lay down baji-san, i want to sleep" he pats the side of his bed that isn't occupied by him as he says so, keisuke ignores him
"where do you keep the futon?"
"just come to the bed, it's okay" he pats again, even moving closer to the wall to make room for him
"are you sure? i don't think it's big enough for the two of us"
oh, keisuke sounds shy again
how interesting
"so we scoot closer, what's the problem?" the lack of sleep it's inhibiting him, that's for sure. he feels like he is winning at whatever they are playing
"you know what? forget it, I'm too tired for this"
chifuyu smiles triumphant.
the blond didn't offer him something comfier to sleep in, too tired to care about that kind of details, so now he is laying on the bed wearing the gang uniform feeling silly and overdressed, but that won't matter once he's asleep.
to his misfortune, sleep isn't coming
the bed, in fact, is made for one person, so keeping a considerable distance it's not much of an option.
even when both were very tired moments ago, the proximity between their bodies and the heat they emanate are keeping them awake, feeling wired, frozen on their spots, conscious of every movement. the tension is so strong they could break it like a crystal and the clatter would awake everyone on the apartment complex.
keisuke has been contemplating chifuyu's back since his head made contact with the pillow, it could been minutes or hours, he is not sure, he only knows he can't take away his gaze.
he is wishing he could be more close, he wishes he could wrap his arms around him. that would probably be weird for both because they have never been physically affectionate but he doesn't care, he yearns for the proximity and warmth.
the faint perfume of the blond's shampoo it's intoxicating, maybe he's going insane, truth is, keisuke would give anything to thread his fingers in those golden strands.
chifuyu isn't better off, he can feel keisuke's eyes fixed on his back and he wants to turn to look at him so bad, he wants to know why keisuke is staring, he wants to ask what all of this means, he needs answers because the intensity of what he feels it's about to overflow, but he can't move.
he is afraid of what could happen if he complies with his desire. he is at peace with his feelings for keisuke, but not knowing how the other feels make him feel hesitant, he doesn't want to ruin what they already have.
he needs to keep his mind occupied, and his favorite thing to overthink seems to be his feelings, so he indulges.
how does he came to this point?
at the beginning he thought he just admired him and his strength, and for a very long time that was it, but then he also found him beautiful, he couldn't lie.
there was nothing wrong with that, anyway, one can appreciate beauty without it meaning something more complex, right?
but then at nights he would often think about that handsome face, and heat would spread through his entire body as he wished he could contemplate it up close and get a taste of his lips.
he never felt something similar, and as the time passed, being with him made him feel all mellow and happy, it wasn't just carnal, his heart was beating on a new, enchanting, tempo.
there were times when he was scared to the core, just thinking about how he liked a guy, how this guy was his best friend, how both were in a gang.
he cried, he tried to deny everything, but in the end, keisuke's laugh always brightened his days and the way the older looked at him with affection made him feel safe. to ignore his feelings would be to lose the purest thing he has ever felt.
does keisuke feels the same?
he's not sure, the interactions they shared before keep him hopeful.
but even if it wasn't like that
who cares?
he trusts him so much, he is sure that even if the older knew about him, about how he feels and he couldn't reciprocate, he would never turn his back on him. and that's enough for him. if they can keep walking side by side, sharing nice moments and peyoung yakisoba, he is more than happy with it.
he just wants to be close to him.
with all that in mind, he turns slowly to look at him, he is dying to see his face, to capture the moment like a photograph on his mind so he can see him whenever he wants, he is startled when he notices keisuke stills awake.
they make eye contact, a dazzling smile lits keisuke entire face
"hey there" the black-haired moves closer without thinking it too much
"hi" chifuyu it's smiling too, it's infectious, he can't stop
"i thought you were very tired, no?" they are whispering but chifuyu can hear the fondness on his voice, it's always there when he speaks to him like this when they are alone
maybe they should sleep because both are getting bolder and things friends are not supposed to do seem more and more enticing.
"mm yeah, but I was thinking" chifuyu looks at keisuke's lips, then at his eyes, his pupils are blown, it's hypnotizing.
" about?" they are so close, chifuyu feels the words against his face
"nothing" he smiles, entranced, lovesick
keisuke raises a single finger, and traces down chifuyu's cheek, the touch is very soft even when his pulse it's unsteady, when he reaches the edge of his jaw, keisuke cups his face with his hand, chifuyu leans into it.
without saying anything, keisuke gets closer and chifuyu's face contorts in surprise for a few seconds
"what?..." chifuyu mutters, they are looking at each other, drowning in each other eyes, knowing there is no saving
keisuke shortens the distance between them and softly places a brief kiss on his lips, tender. chifuyu almost thinks it was just his imagination. he's dumbfounded
"what was that?" he traces his own lips with the tip of his fingers trying to make sense of the situation
"it's pretty obvious fuyu"
chifuyu doesn't say anything, and just stares at him, waiting for the older to keep talking
"i kissed you"
"why?"
"c'mon, you know the reason..." keisuke is flustered, and he can't hide from chifuyu's expectant eyes
"i want you to say it... please say it for me"
when chifuyu begs like that, with all his soul, something burns inside keisuke
"i really like you" keisuke lets out defeated
"i... i like you too" chifuyu gets closer, missing the way they were inches apart seconds ago
"ah, i know that" there it is, the laugh that makes his heart jump and grow bigger with nothing but endearment
"you're so full of yourself" he slaps keisuke's chest without putting real strength on it
chifuyu laughs in delight.
keisuke doesn't say anything in return, he just stares at him, caressing his face with his thumb
"chifuyu, you're so pretty," keisuke says softly, like it's the first time he is actually looking at him, taking in all his beauty, mesmerized.
they are still lying on the bed, leaning on their side to be able to see each other, the position it's not so comfortable.
chifuyu has an idea.
he rises his body, the blankets slide one by one allowing him to sit on the bed, keisuke looks at him, and when he is about to sit too, chifuyu climbs on him and straddles him
"chifuyu..."
the blond hushes him with his lips, this kiss it's more than a simple touch, he tentatively licks keisuke's lips, keisuke gasps in surprise and parts his lips, chifuyu takes this as an opportunity and presses his own, slotting them, it's heavenly.
he starts to move them slowly savoring every touch, keisuke follows him, allowing him to keep that languid rhythm.
their breathing starts to accelerate, keisuke grips his hips, a small sound of surprise scapes his lips between kisses, just thinking about how that could leave bruises makes him moan against keisuke.
keisuke grips him tighter as his hips bucks up, losing control for a moment, he wants to apologize but a grunt leaves his lips instead.
the friction it's exquisite, once they synchronize their bodies, pressing closer, they fell into a rhythm that has them sighing and shutting their eyes in pleasure as they keep kissing.
chifuyu sucks keisuke's lower lip from time to time, alternating with furtive licks. it's his first kiss and the black-haired can tell, but chifuyu is not as lost as one would expect for his first experience kissing.
still, he decides to take the lead after he lets the blond experiment and gets a grasp of how this works. keisuke uses more tongue, the kiss becomes more passionate as the older deepens it, chifuyu graze keisuke's lips with his teeth like a warning and then bites it, a moan gets stuck at the back of keisuke's throat.
he stops abruptly, he's kinda suffocating and his heart is beating like crazy, chifuyu is working him up so much, he needs to calm down even if he wants nothing but keep kissing the blond until he can't breathe anymore.
"why did you stop?... did I do something wrong?" chifuyu is confused, he looks wrecked, pupils blown, eyes half lidded
"no, chifuyu you didn't- we can't do this" his hands are still on chifuyu's hips so he lets them fall at his sides, backing down
"why? what do you mean?"
"we can't go all the way"
"w-what?"
"we don't have experience, and it would be our first time doing it and I don't... i don't know how to do it, i don't want to hurt you"
chifuyu was starting to panic for a second but as he listens to keisuke, relief takes over and he laughs, happy.
still perched on keisuke's hips, he lays down on top of him, and rests his head on his chest, he takes a moment to appreciate the beating of his heart and decides it's his new favorite song.
keisuke it's more than lost, he doesn't understand what's going, nor why chifuyu laughed, but he doesn't dare to break the moment, so he hugs him closer, waiting to see if the blond it's going to provide an explanation.
"we don't need to do anything" chifuyu closes his eyes, smiling
"i just want to kiss you and be close like this, that's all" chifuyu moves to lay on the bed again because as much as he loves being embraced like this, he doesn't want to hurt keisuke.
the older watches him as he does, and when chifuyu lies at his side he holds him in his arms again, chifuyu nests his head on the crook of keisuke's neck, black hair cascades on his face but it doesn't bother him.
the moon shines through the window and reflects on the boys, making them glow. they are not aware because the warmth of their bodies it's pulling them into unconsciousness.
"i would like to stay like this forever," says chifuyu before he is too tired to open his eyes
"me too" keisuke answers more asleep than awake
"let's stay like this then"
"yeah... it would be nice" keisuke leaves a faint kiss on top of chifuyu's head as he tightens the embrace.
the last days of october will come soon
and then november and december
and they will be together to face the world
they have the rest of their lifes to walk together and discover love, hand in hand
chifuyu finally closes his eyes
the future seems nice