Work Text:
Kookie: I have a question; how many people do you have to kill to be considered a serial killer?
Minnie: That’s how you start a conversation?
Minnie: That’s the /first thing/ you ask to start a conversation?
TaeTae: No ‘Hello’ or “how are you guys doing”?
Joonie: Should we be concerned??
Kookie: No, I’m just wondering. Like Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer, Ted Bundy was a serial killer, Ed Gein was a serial killer, John Wayne Gacy was a serial killer, Joe Methany also was a serial killer but they all ‘allegedly’ killed quite a few people.
Kookie: Like what is the minimum amount of people you have to kill in order to become a serial killer?
Yoonie: Why do you know so many serial killers off the top of your head?
Kookie: I read about a lot of serial killers. 🤷🏻♂️
Jinnie: That’s definitely not concerning or worrying in any way. 😊
Jinnie: We did a great job raising him to be a well-adjusted adult guys. 😊
Hobi: Hey, give us some credit. When we were raising him, we were also growing up. We did what we could.
Kookie: Guys, I’m well-adjusted, ok, I just want to know how many people you have to kill to be a serial killer.
TaeTae: Wasn’t Ted Bundy the hot serial killer?
Joonie: Please don’t get Kookie started
Kookie: TED BUNDY WAS JUST AN AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE MAN WHO DID NOT DESERVE ALL THE PRAISE HE GETS FOR HIS LOOKS.
Joonie: You got him started.
Kookie: There was nothing hot or attractive about Ted Bundy, he was just your run of the mill white man. They say he was a “master of disguise” but really he was just a plain looking white man who lured women to his car by pretending to be hurt and asking for help with groceries or whatever.
Kookie: I’ll admit that he’s better looking than the other serial killers I mentioned, but that’s a super low bar that damn near anyone can fill. Have you seen those guys? They looked gross! But Ted Bundy was just some average looking man that somehow had all of these women fawning over him in court. There was one woman who was the exact kind of woman that he liked to MURDER at his court trial who said ‘he’s too handsome and charming to have done all of those things’ almost verbatim.
Kookie: People were even defending him when he ESCAPED TWICE!!!!
Minnie: Wow, you really hate Ted Bundy don’t you?
Kookie: I just don’t understand the hype about him. That psychopath still has fans in the year 2021 which is insane to me. People talk about how hot he was and how they wish they were his victims!
Yoonie: That’s a whole different level of dark.
Kookie: No kidding. I just don’t get how all these women were just soooooo in love with that average ass man.
Joonie: I’m gonna regret saying this, but can we go back to your original question?
Kookie: Right, right, right. So, how many people do you think you have to kill to be considered a serial killer?
Jinnie: Like 2?
Kookie: But that’s not fair. A serial killer is someone who is notorious for killing people. If you just off two people that hardly means anything.
Minnie: Maybe three or more?
Hobi: I found the actual definition of a serial killer. “A serial killer is typically a person who murders three or more people , in two or more separate events over a period of time, for primarily psychological reasons. There are gaps of time between the killings , which may range from a few days to months, or many years.”
Hobi: So, there you go
Kookie: That makes sense I /guess/. I just feel like there should be layers to the name serial killer.
Kookie: Or like milestones, you know?
TaeTae: Milestones?
Kookie: Yeah. Like if you kill one to three people, you’re a killer
Kookie: 4-7 you’re a murderer
Kookie: and 8 and up you’re a serial killer.
Hobi: It is frightening how much thought you’ve put into this.
Joonie: But usually serial killers have an MO. Like they go after a certain type of person and kill in the same way over and over again.
Joonie: So, what if you kill 8 people, but you kill them in different ways? Like yeah, you’re still a serial killer by definition, but should you get notoriety for it?
Kookie: Nope, absolutely not. If you’re gonna be a serial killer you have to kill people the same way every time.
Kookie: You don’t get to just switch up weapons and methods but still get the title.
Jinnie: Why are you so serious about serial killers?
Kookie: Because this is a serious thing, ok? You don’t get to be famous for being a serial killer if you’re not /actually/ a serial killer.
Yoonie: But they are /actually/ serial killers.
Kookie: Just barely.
Minnie: I’m pretty sure this conversation has gotten us put on some kind of list with the government.
TaeTae: I’m sure we were already on some kind of list with the government anyway.
TaeTae: Remember last month when Kookie taught us about Elizabeth Bathory being kind of sort of a vampire?
Yoonie: Isn’t that the one who supposedly killed over 650 women, was charged with 80 counts of murder, and bathed in virgin’s blood?
Kookie: That’s the one.
Kookie: Thank you guys for paying attention to me!! 🥰🥰
Hobi: Why do you know so many serial killers by name?
Hobi: Why can you just name at least five serial killers off the top of your head?
Kookie: I read a lot about serial killers.
Kookie: Wikipedia is my best friend
TaeTae: I’m probably gonna regret asking this, but why?
Kookie: It’s interesting. I like to read about the psychology behind their actions and why they did what they did.
Yoonie: Well, at least he’s reading.
Joonie: I’d say we did a pretty good job raising him.
Jinnie: Ah yes, blind optimism.
Jinnie: Works for me.
Hobi: Since we got the answer to your question, do you feel better Kookie?
Kookie: I guess. But also, I have one more question. If you could have dinner with any of the serial killers I’ve taught you about, which one would it be?
TaeTae: I would have it with Ed Gein. I just wanna know why he insisted on making furniture out of human skin.
Minnie: Elizabeth Bathory. I have to know if that bathing in the blood of virgin’s thing was real.
Jinnie: I would say Jeffrey Dahmer, but I think I’m his type, so not him.
Jinnie: Maybe Giulia Tofana? The inventor of aqua tofana. She is just an icon.
Yoonie: Wasn’t she the one who was helping women get rid of their abusive husbands?
Kookie: Yep. Like Jin hyung said, an icon.
Yoonie: Yeah, I’d go with her too. I bet she’d have a lot of stories to tell and I would be all ears.
Joonie: I would go with Jack the Ripper. I have so many questions like who is he, why did he have medical knowledge, why prostitutes, how many people did he actually kill, and also why did he kill them?
Joonie: So many questions.
Hobi: I’d say Joe Methany. I wanna know how he had the balls to say that humans and pork taste the same.
Kookie: I would say Ted Bundy.
Minnie: WHAT
TaeTae: WHAT
Joonie: WHAT
Yoonie: WHAT
Jinnie: WHAT
Hobi: WHAT
Kookie: 😏😏