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The night was cold and the Izakaya was brimming with patrons from the working class on a friday night, infecting everyone with the joyous atmosphere. Laughter and clinking of glasses echoed all over, some were merrily chatting, others lamenting over god knows what, and you sat on a private room with a dark haired male, laughing at the reminiscence of your high school memories. He sat beside you on his casual get up, his choice of words reflects his intent to make you laugh, occasionally you'd throw him a punch to shut him up. You shot the poor guy a roll of your eyes as you called on a waiter to order first.
Matsukawa Issei was merely a familiar figure back in high school, someone you'd often seen but never acquainted with. If not for the coincidence of working together on a part time job back on your college years, you doubt you'd ever be friends. Now, he sticks by your side as one of your closest friend.
His hands were on the table playing with the menu, he'd look at you from time to time while sneaking glances at the door for anyone of your other friends to arrive. You took a sip of your sake, letting the burning sensation invade your senses and you grimaced a bit, not quite adjusted to the feeling and taste. Give it more time and you were perfectly certain you are in for one hell of a night.
"You look gorgeous on your working clothes," Matsukawa noted with a tease, aware of the reason you dressed up more meticulously than usual, and you shyly thanked him, eyes hovering around your black pencil skirt and rouge top. "People might think you're out seducing your boss," he jest.
You shoved your knuckles to his forearm and rolled your eyes, laughing along.
"But seriously, I don't even know what I'm doing this for. I felt ridiculous just thinking about it."
The memory of Matsukawa adding you to their group chat flashes back, tagging you along to their small group reunion consisting of Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, and Hanamaki Takahiro. Everyone was pretty much on board with the plan since you've been on the same class as Oikawa and Iwaizumi since first year high school until you graduated, and you were also quite familiar with Hanamaki because of the mutual friend.
A small smile tugged at your lips.
"Are you regretting it now?" He laughed while pouring your glass with sake. "What's a few peak at your high school crush? Let's see if you still hold that unrequited love."
Iwaizumi Hajime’s image floated in your head and quite vivid in fact. His eyes were clear and resolute in olive green hue, eyebrows furrowed in irritation. His chin lay atop his palm, elbow pressed against the tabletop as his freehand drummed away in impatience. An afternoon class scene where he sits all the way near the backdoor. You used to pretend talking to the person behind you just to take a glimpse at the male, sneaking a glance in inquiry as to what he’s doing.
However, your face instantly scrunched up.
It didn’t feel right to like him still. Like it was still illegal to hold the torch for someone you let pass by.
"Are you a sadist? Guy already has a girlfriend, snap it out."
Uneasiness washed over you a bit, heart pounding with uncertainty of whether it was because of your denial to your own feelings or the fact that you’ve lost your chance.
Matsukawa was definitely a tease. As one of the three people whom you confided with your feelings, he was relentless in bringing up your tiny crush at any moment he could, considering he was also a close friend to Iwaizumi. Since it never really reaches your bottom line, you let him be. No harm was done except for the small sting that retains at any mention of your crush.
Matsukawa merely shrugged. "Remember back in college, you revered Iwaizumi like a god, gushing at every turn how much of a gentleman he was-"
"I did not."
"-Hell, you were damn contradicting. Insisting you don't have feelings for him but every time his story slides into your attention, you have this dreamy look, it makes me sick."
You stared wide eye in disbelief at him, mouth opening ready to defend yourself but you found yourself pursing your lips in thin line. After all, you’ve been in the receiving end of Iwaizumi’s gentle nature more than a couple of times from the beginning of your first year in Seijoh and it was also one of the reasons you’ve developed a crush on him.
It wasn't the first time he did so. As the class representative since first year, you've done it countless of times, from organizing the materials for the cultural festivals to the collection of the class papers, he had come to your rescue time and time again. And each time he did, it jolts your heart into a rollercoaster sending you to a lovestruck pit.
How can you not admire him?
Poor Matsukawa who had to suffer through all your fangirling in college. He have heard of it for the nth time already, stories repeating like a broken record, expressing your fondness for the male as if you were afraid Matsukawa would forget. But of course, he didn’t. He knows it full well just how badly infatuated you were and a hopeless romantic with cold feet and commitment issues.
Still, it amazes him how you’ve hold on to your feelings that is running for almost nine years now. Or was it eight? He couldn’t recall.
"Well, I do wonder whether he still has some," he exaggeratedly make a set of quotation marks with his fingers. "Sort of effect on you, still. Your words, not mine."
"..."
He tipped his glass in your direction and took a sip.
"To be fair, Iwaizumi was someone we all respect. I'm just glad it isn't Oikawa. That shithead doesn't need any more fangirls."
That had you all cracking up, shaking your head, amused for dissing his own friend who used to be their captain on the team.
"Oh then, you're definitely not ready to hear my first year crush on Oikawa-san. I can't believe I wasted chocolates on that guy during Valentine's," you said.
Matsukawa threw you a scandalous look. "No fucking way."
"I know."
"What's with you and easily getting attracted to him. He obviously has a shitty personality," he said with a jest. Even though Oikawa was constantly the butt of their jokes, you knew they never meant it. You’ve seen just how pretty solid their relationship was which makes even you envious for a bit. It was what you’d call their bonding moment.
You cringed. "I was sixteen, okay? My younger self doesn't know any better and Oikawa-san was pretty charming. I admit, he IS handsome. I was also one of your typical fangirls that followed the flock."
A knock resounded and Oikawa came barging in with Hanamaki trailing after him, cutting your conversation with the black haired male beside you.
Speak of the devil and he shall come.
"My senses are telling me, you've been talking about me. Class rep, I know you miss me," Oikawa flashed his signature peace sign.
Instead of feeling guilty for talking about him behind his back, a wide grin stretched your lips as you stood up to hug the male. You didn’t know how much you’ve missed him until you see him standing before you. He still looked the same Oikawa you knew but also quite different with the air of maturity surrounding the male.
The last time you saw him, he was crying in your graduation day, quite emotional for the parting. He had grown taller too, having more meat in all places, and his skin have turned darker than you remembered.
"Sure do, Oikawa-san. It's been so long. How are you? And drop the class rep. I'm not your class rep anymore."
You all exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes, reacquainting again for old times sake. Hanamaki was the person you were least closest to in the group but you were also quick to warm up to him because of his humor.
"Where's Iwa-chan anyway? Not here yet?" Oikawa asked, noting his best friend's absence. He took the seat opposite of you and Hanamaki beside him.
Hanamaki shrugged, starting the grill with a couple of slices of meat. "Sorry, Iwaizumi. I'll eat first. I was too busy to get lunch earlier and now I'm starving. Lemme just fill my stomach first and I'll be downing these babies like my wife and kids left and didn't even leave an alimony. God knows how much I needed this alcohol in my system."
One by one he lined up some meat while munching on a pickle while the brunette ordered for more drinks and barbeque, quickly getting into the mood.
"Dude, chill. We're here to relax, not lament over your imaginary wife and children."
"Thank god."
"Something is fishy. Don't tell me, you broke up with that pretty girl, didn't you?"
"Wait, what?"
With Oikawa’s initiative the gossiping commence with the group’s love life that nostalgia just washed over you to be talking to people back from your high school. There were just a lot of things you could all talk about and make fun of that it felt like you belonged to the group.
The question and answer portion started with Hanamaki, to Matsukawa, and then to Oikawa with questions ranging from dating history and experience even going as far as the sexual matters of the boys. You’re definitely not as innocent as your face lets on with the brunette completely aware of your perverted tendencies.
Not long after, Iwaizumi arrived and all of a sudden, you caught your breath on your throat, completely struck at his appearance. He stood tall with an apologetic grin in his casual attire.
Your heart thumped.
“Sorry, we’re late.”
“Iwa-chan you’re late!”
“Well, someone was taking too long to dress up.”
“Haji.”
Your eyes swept to the woman holding Iwaizumi’s hand, a shy smile gracing her lips. Your smile almost falters but you regained your composure, returning a welcoming smile to her.
“As punishment, you have to drink this,” Hanamaki holds out a glass of mixed drink.
“What the hell is that?”
“Cocktail a la Makki,” Oikawa chuckled, clearly aware of the components mixed into the drink that was quickly concocted on the spot with god knows what. You didn’t see them work their hands with it.
Instead, your eyes were locked on the woman Iwaizumi brought who was a few inches shorter than he is even with her high heels, hair curled with great care, and dressed to the perfection. She held an elegant temperament while softly showing off her dimples.
An undeniable beauty. She’s probably one of those campus goddess, you guessed.
To your astonishment, your heart throb once again with a sting.
“Holy shit, Iwaizumi-san. I can’t believe you managed to grab a beauty! You must be the girlfriend,” You greeted with a smile and introduced yourself. “I’m ______.”
“What is that supposed to mean, class rep?” Iwaizumi mockingly took offense but there was a proud smile on his face as he urged her forward, hand sliding behind her back. “This is Chiba Satomi, my girlfriend.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you. Can I call you Satomi-chan?”
“Wow, so quick with the first name basis, Oikawa,” Matsukawa jeered
One by one, Iwaizumi introduced everyone to his girlfriend. You went along with the conversations, laughing at their stories of how they met, more teasing from Hanamaki and Oikawa, and sharing more drinks.
Inwardly, you were hurting.
He’s standing right there and then, the man you have unconsciously been longing, more attractive and refined. Staring at his olive green eyes, you couldn’t believe that you’ve yearned to see those eyes again, surprised to discover that after all these years, you still harbor some feelings for the man.
You returned to your years in Seijoh. The Iwaizumi in your youth was just as serious as he is now and full of vigor. He held the collected assignment from your hands, assisting you to the faculty and often times you would take advantage of the trip to the faculty to converse and hopefully flirt with him. You used to secretly toss your valentines chocolate on his stockpile atop his desk, occasionally leaving some candies or sports drink from time to time. He even walked you all the way to the train station one time.
Memories just flashed to your head. And you wish you could go back to that time once again. Back when you were still young and giddy for the high school romance.
You remember how it felt like. To watch Iwaizumi on his uniform bickering with Oikawa, supporting and cheering him on his games in the guise of school spirit. You remember the exhilerated feeling of loving the man.
That very same man seats in front of you donning the sweetest look you’ve ever seen him. With Oikawa moving seat at your end side of the table to give the couple their space, their close proximity is presented to you first hand, VIP.
“What do you do on your past time, Chiba-san?”
“Well I read a lot-”
“She reads bl.”
“Hajime! You’re not supposed to spill my secret!” she sent a fist his way which he caught in his hand obviously showing he was used to it.
Hajime… You knew Iwaizumi longer but even you didn’t have that kind of privilege.
“Bl?”
“Secret? Was that even supposed to be a secret when it’s all plastered all over your apartment? Especially that framed picture of two guys kissing on your living room.”
A blush of embarrassment was evident on Chiba’s cheeks and she pouted. “I’m not talking to you anymore.”
Iwaizumi chuckled with an endearing look while rubbing her caught knuckles and kissed it. “Sorry, sorry.”
All eyes were on the two. You were first to look away, taking a cheese to your lips while you noticed Matsukawa’s meaningful glances,
“Iwa-chan, you’re smitten. It’s disgusting. Bleerghhh,” Oikawa was quick to interrupt while fake gagging. He took a sip of his sake and grimaced.
“I’ll hit you, Shittykawa.”
Hanamaki held up his hand. Taking on a serious voice, he added, “Petition to stop torturing single dogs here.”
“Agreed.”
“Seconded.”
You can’t help but look at even the tiniest interaction between the two, not missing his possessive stance with his hand wrapped behind his girlfriend and on her waist. Although you were laughing, you could feel just how stiff your cheeks were becoming.
Even Iwaizumi have that kind of side, huh. What an interesting discovery. Possessive while wearing a soft look. Quite the gap-moe to his usual scowl. More raw and vulnerable. It certainly made him look more charming and attractive.
A part of you wanted to leave and escape to lament your lost. You had a chance. You had one fucking chance on your high school. You could have confessed to him. You should have done something about your feelings for him.
But no, you let your cowardice for romance ruin everything for you. You let your chance pass by right in front of you.
Iwaizumi’s stance on her was clear for you to see.
He liked her. His eyes says them all. Completely different with how you remembered, it was softer, more tender, and more enchanting. Too bad, it wasn’t in your direction. This look was clearly on her presence only.
“No, but seriously, Iwaizumi, who initiated it?” Hanamaki asked with a playful grin while wiggling his eyebrows.
“You don’t have to kno-”
“It was me.” Chiba chuckled earning an embarrassed glare from Iwaizumi.
A collective “Ohhhhhhhh!” broke out with whistling. Chaos ensured at the revelation.
Oikawa couldn’t keep his laugh as if he expected the outcome. “No shit, Iwa-chan. She got ya.”
As if on cue, you and Hanamaki reached out your hand to Matsukawa who scowled and fished his pocket for his wallet. You wiggled your fingers at him in triumph.
“Money down, Issei,”you giggled.
“That’s right, you know what to do.”
“Tsk.”
A disbelief contorted Iwaizumi’s face, doubling the intensity of his glare to you three.
“You guys made a bet out of my sex life? Some friends you are!”
“Your fault I lost some money tonight.”
“I’ll kill you, Matsukawa.”
“Excuse me?? I was on your side.”
Chiba couldn’t just sit still and watch while you gang up on her boyfriend. “Well, in Hajime’s defense, he wanted our first to be special while I attacked him when I got drunk,” she chuckled.
You gritted your teeth unconsciously just thinking about his hand touching her, exploring her skin, bodies intertwined intimately. The image left as quickly as it snapped into your head.
Your hand tightened on your lap. Quickly, you gulped down a shot.
You didn’t want to hear about them any longer albeit jokingly. You doubt you could last any more. It was hard to act like it didn’t bother you one bit. But it did, inflicting far more damage than you ever thought.
“Damn, you guys seriously don’t have any mercy to us singles here.”
Next topic, please. You hopefully prayed.
The alcohol was starting to get into your head,
“If that’s the case, any guy you fancy, class rep?”
From your peripheral view, you caught Matsukawa’s glance on your direction.
He knows. But he promised not to talk.
You felt stunned at Iwaizumi’s question and you wanted to blurt out you as your answer. Fortunately, you managed to hold your tongue and pretended to think of any men in your life that caught your attention even once. Flipping through the sparks you’ve felt which you’ve successfully unearthed. There certainly was. Or were. Crushes you’ve had aside from Iwaizumi. Unsuccessful flings. But nothing could compare.
“Well… I guess that Ushijima Wakatoshi,” You randomly blurted a name for the sake of it, remembering the time you’ve seen him up close in a match between the MSBY Black Jackals, and Ushijima’s team, Schweiden Adlers years ago.
Oikawa’s excessive gasp snap you out. “Ushiwaka???”
You shrugged. "I mean, look at those pecs."
And Chiba was nodding at your choice, much to Iwaizumi’s dismay.
“And thighs.”
“And firm butt. Hmmm… Smexy.”
“What are you, ordering a chicken meal? One large order of chicken thighs and butt, please, firm with extra smexiness,”
“That sounds about right.”
"He’s on my team.” A chuckle escaped Iwaizumi’s lips, quite impressed and at the same time calculating whether it would be out of his bounds to push that poor guy outside his life of volleyball . “Do you want me to hook you up with him?"
At his words, you snapped out of your reverie.
"What? Nooooooo," you pulled a face, ashamed at your words, completely forgetting the fact that they see each other on a daily basis now that Ushijima was scouted to play for the national team for the olympics. At the same time, you figured, why the hell not. You could try moving on from Iwaizumi once again instead of doing nothing. Shamelessly, you nodded your head. "But, yes please."
Right in the middle of your conversation, a ring went off and Chiba excused herself to answer a phone call.
“What do you even see from that guy anyway? Except his physical traits?” The brunette still wouldn’t back down, adamant on finding out what even caught your attention.
“Well, for starters, he look dense despite that intimidating look and I'm quite the expert in looking past that scowl,” You said with a double meaning, tongue quite loose that the girlfriend was out of sight.
Iwaizumi nodded in agreement. Ushijima IS indeed dense outside the court. And so was he, if you say so yourself.
“He also look inexperienced and innocent. Let’s just say it’s something about corrupting the innocent.”
Hanamaki whistled. “Didn’t know you had that kind of kink.”
"Innocent? He's a guy, he's definitely not innocent in those stuffs. Right, iwa-chan?”
"Hush, let a woman dream, ok?”
“But seriously, Ushiwaka? You couldn't have chosen someone better?”
“If that 'better' you speak of is you, Oikawa-san, bu-bu,” You imitated a buzzing sound. “Pass.”
“Excuse me? I did not raise you to be like that, _____. I'm utterly disappointed.”
Laughter errupted as you try not to look at Iwaizumi to try and even gauge out any response for your interest, eyes darting elsewhere as if merely gazing him was an unforgivable sin.
Chiba returned after a short while and she whispered something in Iwaizumi's ears before turning to you.
"I'm so sorry something came up. I'll have to cut this meeting short. It was nice meeting you all," she bowed grabbing her stuffs. "You should stay, Hajime. It's been a while since you've last got together."
"No. I'm coming with you."
"But-"
"Satomi-chan, let Iwa-chan come with you. He's stubborn like that."
"What happened anyway? Is there something wrong?" You asked, quite curious to her haste.
"One of my students went missing. Didn't come home since yesterday so the parents called me for help."
"No way."
"We’ll leave first.”
Iwaizumi bid you all goodbye with him trailing after his girlfriend and held her hand as they exit.
You watched their backs turned to you and your smile dropped as soon as they disappeared to the hallway, feeling a bit exhausted at the little interaction. Mist formed in your eyes, tears threatening to fall. The suffocating feeling was finally gone.
With one last smile to the group, you also tried to leave.
“I guess It’s time for me to leave as well,” You couldn’t help it but your voice trembled a bit. Ashamed to be exposed, you lowered your head.
You hope to leave as quickly as possible and just cry out but Oikawa stopped you, hand on your wrist in attempt to hold you back.
“_____, you…” Oikawa started. “Do you still like Iwa-chan?”
You froze.
“What are you talking about Oikawa-san?”
Hanamaki gave his former captain a sideglance and then turned to Matsukawa who was watching the two of you in silence. With the way they all cautiously glance at you, you just knew there was no point hiding it now.
“Was I too obvious?” you asked, feeling a bit pathetic. Worried that if they've picked that out then Iwaizumi must have too.
“Actually no,” Oikawa replied and you sighed.
“I saw Oikawa eavesdropping earlier when I arrived,” Hanamaki explained with a chuckle, trying to elevate the tension which assisted in you lowering your guard to their interrogation.
Naturally, as Iwaizumi’s closest friend, you were a bit apprehensive that he’d oppose your hidden affections. Or that he’d think that you’ll wreck some relationship like something straight out of some sappy romantic movies. But he was nonchalant about it.
Oikawa just shrugged for being caught red handed. “I was curious when I heard Iwa-chan’s name. You were also talking shit about me, don’t think I’ll let that one slide, Mattsun.”
Matsukawa just laughed, unperturbed.
The atmosphere eased and you chuckled along but it didn’t manage to hold back the tears you’ve been trying to contain. With your vigilance relaxed, Matsukawa saw you wiping your tears and stretched out a hand to offer a hug to which you refused.
“I’m okay. Don’t-” you laughed crying, feeling a bit ridiculous and awkward at your situation.
Moments ago, you were green with envy,heart punched to the gutter at the public display of the couple’s affection. Oh how you wished she was you.
Oikawa looked with sympathy and handed you a handkerchief while Hanamaki poured another glass of sake.
“This is the best time to be drinking your sorrows away, _____-san,”The peach haired boy said, also sympathetic that it warmed you up of their comfort.
You thanked the two and dabbed your eyes with Oikawa’s handkerchief.
“I just- I don’t know. sniff I can’t possibly be still in love with him, right? The Iwaizumi-san I liked was the one from nine years ago and a lot of things have probably changed. sniff It’s not the same, right?”
You tried to convince yourself once again, as a last resort, denying once again that he had that much of a hold over your heart. Closing off any ideas that you were indeed hurting over a crush.
“So you liked him since high school?”
The two was eager to know the backstory. Anything about Iwaizumi was a source of entertainment and they were quite interested with how everything fell into places. And so you shared them your story. One that only few people knew and regretted so much.
What ifs spilled out of your mouth. If onlys. Maybes.
The group seated closer, ordering for more drinks.
“I’ve liked him since my second year actually sniff. I may not be close with him but I’ve looked at him for quite a long time now.”
And you poured all the emotions you’ve been hiding until now. Crying and laughing at the memories you express to them. The denials you bore stripped out, candid to your admiration for the one and only Iwaizumi Hajime.
You told them of your failed flirting attempts, jokingly praising Iwaizumi as an ideal guy as he helped you carry a box of materials from the audio visual room. You said it to him once and when he became flustered at the comment, it was decided that you’d use that again to tease him.
The simple texts you received that didn’t really mean anything but meant the world to you. You’d talk with him even if it’s for group projects or simple questions about homework, even changing topics mid conversation just so you could talk to him longer.
It’s just the little things that sends butterflies to your stomach like how he frown during exams while biting his pen to come up with an answer. How he’d smile in pride at his teammates, teeth exposed in a wide grin with his eyes closed in euphoria. How he’d articulate some simple words of encouragement, brutal and raw that are surprisingly common sense.
Shot after shot, you lost your composure as you wail out your melancholia, completely drunk out of your wits. Hanamaki had long passed out on the table and only Oikawa and Matsukawa was the only one listening to you, both drunk as well but sober enough to drink for more.
“What am I supposed to do? I didn’t think- I didn’t think…” You silently sobbed, not wanting to finish the words you know you’ve finally conveyed. You clutched the handkerchief which now looks like an overused rug with how you mercilessly crumpled it in your hands.
Your body felt heavy now, heart just as equally heavy and painful, eyes barely opening as you leaned against Oikawa for support. Any minute now, he was certain you’d pass out.
“I’m sorry about that, _____.”
He patted your back, rubbing circles in comfort.
“We should go home now. It’s already late.”
Matsukawa nodded, footing the bill for everything you ordered. Together with Oikawa, they paid for the bill and split up for the task of sending out the remaining unconscious and wasted friends.
That night as you've cried out your grievances, you've dreamt of green eyes.