Work Text:
There’s a big difference, at least to Jun, between saying things and thinking things. There’s an even bigger difference between saying things to yourself and saying them to the people you care about.
Somehow, he managed to make those into a singular event.
He was 17. He’d been staying at home, lazing around. Maybe working on some assignments, playing some video games. His parents were still out doing their own things, and he was very comfortably himself . Despite his usual anger towards the world (the type that bubbled up every time he heard his mother’s mouth open) he was fairly content, enjoying the moment.
That stillness ended when Dongho came home.
If you had to describe his and Dongho’s relationship, the best answer would be ‘quite strange’. Without a doubt, Dongho was the most important person in Jun’s life. More so than anyone he’d met and quite possibly anyone he would ever meet. But that didn’t change the fact that he was extremely… annoyed.
Not jealous, because he didn’t want to be like Dongho, not in a million years. He didn’t want to be an ‘ ass-kisser ’ or constantly hide things in order to seem better than he was. Jun was just fine being who he was, and wouldn’t take anyone’s crap about it.
Annoyed. Because if it wasn’t jealousy, than what else would describe this feeling, bubbling under his chest when he saw his older brother come home from dance practice, glittery gloss smeared on his face, his normally perfectly styled hair pulled up into a ponytail with a scrunching Jun didn’t recognize. And it wasn’t because of right now, but because he could come home like that , and their parents would never say a word. One time Jun asks if he could cut his hair shorter, imply he’d rather not have to shave his legs, and suddenly he’s the one with a problem.
Not to say Dongho had a problem. But he could do what he wanted. Was it because he was an adult? Or was it because at the end of the day, Dongho had signed away his life to the company?
Today however, was different.
Dongho came home, fresh from dance practice. He’d showered, gotten dressed and came home to find his younger sibling laying on the couch, playing a game. Dongho didn’t realize that he still had some highlighter on that hadn’t quite washed off during the shower, but Jun did. And Jun would focus on that.
“Why are you staring?”
Jun looked away. Back at the game.
“You got…” He scratched his cheek. “Highlighter.”
Dongho rubbed his cheek, and sure enough, his fingers came back glittery. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Moments passed. Dongho got himself some water, Jun pressed on with playing. They sat in a quietness, until Dongho got a call on his phone. (Ring. Ring. Ring.)
“Hello?” He picked up. “Yeah?”
Jun could hear some sounds from the other side, maybe someone yelling, or shouting.
“Shut up.” Jun’s eyes widened. His hyung could say… shut up? He almost fake gasped when Dongho shot him a glare. “Just leave there. I’ll pick it up next time.”
Jun spoke slowly. “What happened?”
“Nothing much. They forgot to tell me that I needed the choreography for practice on Thursday- I can just get it tomorrow though.”
Jun nodded and went back to his silence.
Then…. his mind wandered.
Overthinking is not a good habit, in any regard. Overthinking lends itself to a false sense of… just about everything. Nothing you do while overthinking will be as good as it could have been if you were in a clear mind. Jun has many bad habits, and one of them… well that should be clear by now. He overthinks, and when he does things don’t turn right.
Like right now, and he’s overthinking Dongho’s dance class. What about the choreography? What if they don’t keep it safe? What if, Dongho doesn’t learn well enough so that their parents are satisfied and they make him quit? Dancing means everything to his hyung. Possibly more than himself. What if dancing, and the outlet it provides, disappears? Not that it makes sense/ Dongho is a fast learner and being a day behind won’t do much for him… unless something else happens? What if their parents start demanding more? More from Dongho, from Jun, and now there’s no time to practice?
He zoned out.
All was not well anymore.
Maybe he was really tired, or things weren’t going his way, but suddenly the clothes he was wearing felt very itchy. The pillow he was leaning on felt like a sandbag, and he felt bugs crawling over his arms. The ice went cl i nk cl i nk cl i nk and suddenly, everything was worse, far worse. He sat up, untangling himself from the cords, boorish to get some relief. His eyes focused. Focused on Dongho’s glittering highlighter. A pink.
Their parents would think it better on him.
And now it wasn't about Dongho and dance and it was about Jun, and the way he will never, ever , be able to be himself. Not for a while, at least. The time was ticking down however, and he reached near the light at the end of the tunnel. He could almost grab it, the thing he’d always imagined. He could feel himself reaching, stretching-
A fine hand grabbed his wrist.
“Hey! ——, are you okay? You’ve been out of it?”
Dongho stared at him, concern clear in his eyes.
Jun shook his head, leaned back, and looked at his hyung.
“I plan to move out when I finish high school.” He started, gauging Dongho’s reactions.
(As usual, there weren’t many.)
“I’ll start working some part time jobs, maybe afford to get myself someplace to stay after a while.
I’ll get to explore, do things, try things, and- I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it. Not any longer. I… I love you. And I don’t know what wrong with me right now I just all of a sudden-“
Dongho patted his head, tactfully ignoring the fact that Jun was on the verge of tears.
“I-“
His hyung nosed at him.
“I’m trans.”
It got all quiet.
Jun looked down, the shock on his face more so than the surprise on Dongho’s. He… he didn’t understand. How it slipped out. But it… it felt oddly… satisfying? He couldn’t think back to a time when he’d said it. Actually, to himself. He thought it, knew it. But had he said it? He was trans. He was a man, and, well, nothing chills change that.
He looked up at Dongho, smiling this time.
“I’m trans!”
He didn’t really pay attention to the look on his face, but Dongho patted his head (again), and said a few words.
“Cool.”