Archive of Our Own

“They gave us these, wait, scrapbooks I guess? Maybe for T-MAP? I don't know?” Junkyu passed the small journal-looking books to the members lying on the floor, and some on the sofa as they scroll down on their phone screens. They're at dorm 3 to eat delivered foods since it's their free day.

Jeongwoo tilted his head to his side, brows drawn together as he read the header. “It's a secret scrapbook. It's for T-MAP, I think.”

“Woah, kinda sus but I don't know. The mission card says we should answer the questions inside without telling the other members,” Jaehyuk passed the mission card to Jihoon as the older read the same words. Jaehyuk shrugged, “What if the questions include exposing Jeongwoo? I don't think I could expose his bad habits inside the dorm, like that one time he sleepwalked and screame—”

“Shut up, hyung. I bet you're gonna be the first one to set me up.” Jeongwoo threw a pillow at Jaehyuk, but his hyung just stuck his tongue out and teases the other earning laughs from the members.

“No, because you're gonna set yourself up.” Asahi jumped into the conversation, making Jeongwoo jokingly glare at him as he reaches for Asahi to lock his arms. The three started to mess around as usual, but the other members talk about answering it already.

Doyoung opened his scrapbook and raised both of his eyebrows. “The questions are like from those regular scrapbooks, I think we will be just fine. I'll answer mine later, what about you, hyung?”

“Me?” Hyunsuk thumb-pointed himself, his usual pouty lips is visible as he scanned the book before shrugging off. “Maybe later at the studio.”

“You're going to the studio later?” Junkyu asked cheeks are puffy from his deep sleep minutes ago before the mission card came.

Jihoon observed Hyunsuk's slow nod as he gave Junkyu a small smile. “Yeah, gonna spend the night there. Almost done arranging the song I've been working on these days.”

The latter just nod before getting back to slumber as he engulfs Mashiho's body in his arms, whom the boys didn't wake up since the guy isn't going to wake up easily either. Junkyu took that chance to hug him from behind as they lie on the floor along with Yedam who's just spacing out for 10 minutes straight.

“Hyung?”

Finally, Jihoon dared to call his hyung who instantly turned his head towards the younger. Jihoon just loves how attentive Hyunsuk is, without even admitting it to himself, he loves his hyung's attention after being too focused on the other members that sometimes make him plant a little jealousy in him without knowing it.

“Hmm? Yes, Jihoon-ah?” Don't start with that tone, Hyunsuk. You would be the death of Jihoon for letting him feel so appreciated when your eyes literally speak assuring orbs. Please.

“You'll eat dinner here, right? I mean, you literally had ramen for the past days inside your studio. Might as well try Junghwan's favorite milk he bought yesterday, you know,” Jihoon grinned at Hyunsuk which the older responded with a sulky expression. “For your 'get tall' agenda.”

The older threw a cushion to the guy in his striped pajamas softly and glared. “Ha! You'll see, Park Jihoon!”

Jihoon jokingly shrugged. “Okay, Mr. 7 footer.”

“Ya!”

Jihoon loudly laughed. The members are busy with their worlds to even realize how Jihoon visibly sending signs to his only hyung that he loves his attention, glares, and whines that includes Jihoon's weakness: Hyunsuk speaking in a pout.

“I'll just take a nap. Hwannie, wake me up once the delivery's up.” Doyoung patted Junghwan's head, earning a nod from the youngest as he gets back to playing games with Asahi when Doyoung headed to his room.

The younger leader shifted his gaze towards the empty spot beside Hyunsuk, whose eyes are still on his phone, happily scrolling through his newsfeed as usual. Jihoon bit his lips and contemplates, feet momentarily gets up and down from his seat next to the sofa. He hates sending signs through being clingy towards his hyung, but since he already beat himself to it since last week after those endless walks from work to their designated dorms, Jihoon knew he needed—wanted Hyunsuk's attention all for him, at least once. For his heart's content, which he denies a lot of times in the past.

He thought he's just seeking attention, and appreciation from his only hyung. He's always been fond of self-awareness, but this time, he was not aware that it's not just Hyunsuk's attention he was seeking—maybe more than that.

And he'll figure that out by taking chances to be with his hyung—all the time.

“Hyunsuk hyung, let's go?”

Then Yoshi came from their dorm to fetch Hyunsuk and head to the building together.

“Oh, Yoshi,” Hyunsuk stood from the sofa when he heard the younger guy. “Yeah, let's go. I'll just get my bag.”

Yoshi nodded and pursed his lips as he sat beside Jihoon whose brows drew a line with the sudden Yoshi showing up. Jihoon looked over Hyunsuk's figure at dorm 3's kitchen where he left his designer's bag. The younger leader frowned, “You're not gonna eat dinner, hyung?”

Hyunsuk smiled and shook his head. “We'll just order something when we get hungry. Take care of the kids, Jihoonie.”

As much as he loves how Hyunsuk taps his shoulder softer than his usual slaps when he teases the guy, and his sweet tone when he mentioned the younger members with his mother mode on, he hates how the universe doesn't want him to take at least once chance out of all hundreds of them.

“We'll head out now, bye-bye!” Hyunsuk and Yoshi bid their goodbyes without even letting Jihoon speak, earning a pout from the younger leader when the door shut closed.

“He probably wouldn't even remember to eat his dinner,” whispering as he pouts, Jihoon opened the scrapbook sluggishly. His face creased when he opened the 3 pages where he found a blank space beside terms.

Ideal type.

Jihoon instantly looked over the closed door and returned his gaze on the book.

“But I don't have one.” He shrugged and headed to his room with his peace of mind, sleepy eyes, and yawning state.

He's unbothered.

•••

No, he's bothered.

Bothered with the idea of ideal types that most likely the same words on the other scrapbooks they received. Yes, maybe he doesn't have an ideal type, but something is bothering him.

Why does thinking about Hyunsuk's ideal type got him all pull off an all-nighter?

He shouldn't, right? It's nothing, right? He should care less, right?

Right?

Then why was he inside Junkyu's room, arms crossed as his chest is up, brows drawn together as he looked at Junkyu's cocky expression, smirk, and giving him a meaningful look that pisses him off?

“Finally, Park Jihoon,” his best friend for 5 years straight clapped in the air. “Finally, you already get how confusing you are, and your frantically throwing signs all over the place.”

“What? Kim Junkyu, I literally just asked if what do you think Hyunsuk hyung's ideal type?” Jihoon was about to lock him in his arms, and restrain his legs as a punishment but Junkyu rolled his eyes at him, for the ninth time in his 5 mins being there.

“What's the difference, anyway? You, asking what do I think Hyunsuk hyung's type, and realizing your feelings are two similar things. Don't argue with me, I'll be posting a freaking long speech about you being all jealous when you always get the least of Hyunsuk hyung's attention every fucking time.”

“Where did you get that? Yah, Kim Junkyu. Stop hanging around with Yedam, you won't learn shit from romance dramas and apply it to your best friend who's just trying to b—”

Junkyu interrupted him, smirking. “—Trying to be more attentive so you could get his attention too. Jihoonie, let's put it in simple words, okay?”

Jihoon loosens his perfect posture and rock his head to the side, eyes scream confusion when he can't get what's Junkyu trying to imply.

“You're a dumbass trying to get his attention because you like him, Jihoon. Now get out of my room and fix your attachment issues by 'actually', you hear the emphasis there? 'Actually' try doing something than teasing him all day as if that's what makes him fall for you or what. Use your brain and not your biceps, stupid.” Cringing, Junkyu shooed away Jihoon from his room and was about to close the door right in front of the confused Jihoon when he remembered the guy's reason why he ended up in this room.

“Also, Hyunsuk hyung must like people who he can vibe with. You know, with composing music, fashion, soccer games, those kinds of things,” he grinned at Jihoon before leaning his face on the side of his door, he shrugged. “I heard Yoshi has been exploring fashion and soccer these days. I don't know, Jihoon but if I were you, I'd do something. Like, something. Like wear something like Hyunsuk hyung's. Get me?”

With that, Kim Junkyu just shut his door right in front of Jihoon's zoning-out face, letting his best friend's words sink in one by one.

“What do you me—Oh.”

Like a loud bang, a gun pointed at his head with Junkyu's words as the bullet was shot in his temple in slow-mo. His orbs seemed to got smaller, eyes widened in realization, lips quiver in shock when he realized that Junkyu's right.

Asking what's Hyunsuk's ideal type out of nowhere, and finally realizing his shits together, are two completely similar things disguised in different factors, but both mean something.

Something that he thought, was nothing.

Maybe Junkyu's right, he should actually do something. But how?

“His vibe, huh?” He remembered what Junkyu mentioned earlier before nodding his head, slowly.

•••

“Okay, so who's still not inside? I'm at the lobby, I already saw Yedam and the maknaes heading towards the 1st van,” Hyunsuk tip on his toes, squinting his eyes to look further at the exit of their dorm building. They have a schedule that will start at 9 am, and it's already quarter to 8. They needed to get there earlier than expected, but the members taking so long to get ready.

Hyunsuk gets back to his phone call with Doyoung, eyes still squinting forward. “And where's Jihoon? He should be here by now, right? Did he sleep late again?”

“He's just... Hyung, ever since this morning...”

“What?”

“Jihoon's acting weird like—like really really weird. He—wait, he's here already. We'll head there and you should be the one to judge his antics 'cause I had enough of his unreadable mood today.” Doyoung sounded like he was about to cry, and how he got weirded out over Jihoon which made Hyunsuk curious.

What did his dongsaeng do this time?

“That Jihoon, really.” Hyunsuk clicked his tongue, worried about what Doyoung meant to say. Did something happen on Jihoon? Was it bad?

“Hyung! Hyunsuk hyung!” From afar, he heard Jeongwoo's loud voice, screaming as if his hyung can't hear him from 10 feet. Hyunsuk watched Jeongwoo, who's wearing a mask, run towards his direction with a weird expression plastered in his eyes that left confusion to the leader.

“Hey, don't shout!” As soon as Jeongwoo got on his spot, he witnessed the younger's panting frantically as he gets his posture straight and eyes widening as if he saw a ghost.

“Hyunsuk hyung... I think Jihoon hyung is sick.”

“What?!”

Hyunsuk grabbed Jeongwoo's arm and turned his head on the younger's back, he expected Doyoung to walk his way towards them. The leader creased his brows, eyes tracing Doyoung when he saw a figure from the building's entrance, calmly looking in their direction, heads up and seemingly think people's attention is all on his, (which is true) before starting his pace to get on the van's spot.

“What the hell...” That's Hyunsuk, yes. All shocked. Eyes widening in confusion and shock combined. Head tilted. Mullet hair locks are all over the wind because he didn't style it with his beanie. Lips curving. He's confused, really really confused.

Because who wouldn't be shocked and confused when you saw a tall man walking on your way in bear pants, designer loose shirt inside a furry black jacket with his black abbot beanie and LV glasses, namely Park Jihoon who's always into shirts inside cardigans?

“I told you, hyung. He's sick.” He heard Jeongwoo whispered before getting inside one of the vans.

And the second he turns his head, Jihoon's in front of him and fixing his glasses with his forehead up like he's really confident with his get-up this morning. If only Jihoon could hear the laughter inside the vans, he'll probably pull off a banter. He rose a brow at his hyung and smiled.

“What do you think, hyung?”

“Huh?”

“Don't you like it?”

“Like what? Oh-” Hyunsuk realized what he meant and examined Jihoon's get-up. “Y-You look, you look different, yeah. That's right.”

Jihoon tilted his head before taking off his sunglasses, revealing his confused eyes. “I just look different?”

His hyung responded with a nod.

“Yeah... I mean, it's summer, Jihoon. 30 degrees. So yeah, you look very different. Are you having your fashion crisis?” Hyunsuk joked, and unconsciously let out a loud giggle that made Jihoon frown at him. He felt Jihoon's shocked gaze and raises his brows at him. “It's nice, actually. Are you experimenting too?”

Without even a second thought, Jihoon immediately looked over the vans and not giving a single look to his hyung who's confused with the sudden act of his dongsaeng. Jihoon's creased brows are visible to his younger members inside the car, and it scares them.

“Did he heard us? Jeongwoo, you're so dead.”

“Yah, Jaehyuk hyung! You're laughing too!”

“Settle down, you two. I think he's looking for Junkyu hyung.” Mashiho rolled his eyes and gets back on his phone. He has been chanting the same thing when he saw Jihoon earlier. “He's so stupid, he's really so stupid.”

Hyunsuk flinched when he heard the other van closed by Jihoon, and somehow, he felt guilty for joking about Jihoon's change of style. Without purposely pouting, he spoke in a pout with his small ‘What?’ that no one heard because they're all inside the vans.

Hyunsuk just heaved a sigh before scratching the back of his head and headed inside the van.

The three other vans peacefully took off already, as well the fourth van—but never in peace.

“Kim Junkyu, you little shit,” Jihoon sat beside Junkyu who's in a deep sleep before even receiving a slap on his shoulder that woke him up.

“What now? I'm sleep—Yo, Jihoon what the fuck? Pfft-”

“Don't laugh.” He glared at his best friend before looking around the van if the members are still awake to even hear their argument. Junghwan and Haruto are both sleeping, so he turned his head on Junkyu and curses.

“Jihoon, are you having a fashion crisis or something?”

“Don't start with that. I'm really close to plucking your head real hard. You said I should do something!” Jihoon whines.

“Yeah, but I didn't say that you should ruin your idol image!”

“Then what should I do?”

Suppressing his laughs, Junkyu formed a line with his mouth. “Ji, you're wearing a thick furry jacket on a 30 degrees summer day. What are you thinking?”

Jihoon shook his head and closes his eyes firmly out of frustration. Junkyu let out his loud amused laugh as he claps, not even caring if he'll wake the maknaes up because the two are both deep sleepers. His bestfriend took off his jacket and frustratedly brushes his hair when the beanie's off.

“Goodness gracious, don't tell me you've come up to do this because you didn't understand my advice?” Junkyu has his palm on his mouth as he gets shocked.

Jihoon looked away, and that made Junkyu laugh again. Jihoon's stupidity is something he always find amusing to hear.

“Jihoon! I said do something about your feelings, and not go around wearing a furry jacket in the middle of summer. Do you even know where we're going now?”

“Where?”

“Radio guesting. Yah, you're the leader. Bet you stayed up late not thinking about the schedule but because of your existential crisis.” Junkyu started laughing once again only to receive an elbow punch on his side. “And what did Hyunsuk hyung say?”

“He said I look different.”

“I think that's progress,” Junkyu nodded his head, sluggishly. “And then?”

“I look different to the point that he thought I was having a fashion crisis.”

Like a cue to his laugh, Junkyu loudly laughed again in chorus with his claps as his bestfriend sulks beside him. It's not even half of the day, and he already got himself a secondhand embarrassment to remember.

“Okay, I'll shut up,” Junkyu heaved a sigh and stopped laughing before reaching for his iced tea beside him. “Yeah, Hyunsuk hyung loves fashion and everything but boy do you even need to do yourself dirty like that—Okay, I'll stop. But really, Jihoonie. It's been five years, name the things you know Hyunsuk hyung would like.”

Jihoon creased his forehead. He like?

Soccer?

•••

“Hyunsuk hyung!”

Hyunsuk turned his head on his back to see Jihoon running in his direction after the radio guesting. He rose his brows because of the sudden call, “Yes, Jihoonie?”

“Let's play soccer later.”

“Eh?”

“Why? You don't want to, hyung?”

Hyunsuk immediately denied it. “No! I mean, I would love to play soccer but... are you sure?”

The younger leader keeps up on his pace as walked beside Hyunsuk with a grin. “Scared to lose, hyung?”

“It's soccer, I wouldn't lose to anything that involves soccer, Jihoon-ah.” Hyunsuk can be easily provoked, but most of the time, it's Jihoon who loves provoking Hyunsuk so he could use that as bait. Works really well for the older leader, well.

Jihoon crossed his arms, muscles popping with his chest up and cockily looking at Hyunsuk. “Bet you'll be running around shouting VAR once you get an indisputable upset. Soccer is my game too, just so you know.”

Jihoon was trolling.

“That's a goal! Ha!” Hyunsuk screamed and slumped his body on the ground when he scored the last goal of the game. 

And Jihoon? You guess.

“That doesn't count! I was catching my breath! Right, Yedamie?” Jihoon doing something he really excels at doing. Complaining. 

Yedam shrugged and slightly laughed. “Hyung, you literally catch your breath while the time was running. It does count. You lose.”

Jihoon threw himself on the ground as he catches his breath. He can hear Hyunsuk laughing in his direction, and somehow, it eases his competitive self whining over a game he doesn't even know how it works. 

“I put up a fight, at least.” Jihoon brags.

“You got hit on the face.”

“You tripped over 5 times, hyung.”

“You literally just running around and screaming like a rooster on the run,” Junkyu pointed out that Jaehyuk and Yedam both agreed. They earned a glare from the mentioned guy before hearing steps from his back, and a chuckle.

“He did great, actually. Right, Jihoon-ah?” Then flashes the reason of Jihoon's melting heart every fucking second of his life. Hyunsuk flashed a smile, newly dyed black hair and locks are still wet because of sweat, and his shirt drenched in sweat too with dirt as he slumped his body on the ground a lot of times. 

“I do.” Yes, I do, father. I'll have you as my husband, my one and only, my everything. I'd give you everything, be with you through ups and downs, have you in ways you'll yet to discover, wait for you, grow old with you, adopt children with you, make love to you, danc—

“Jihoon-ah? You okay?”

Oh, he almost spoiled his wedding vow to his future husband. Jihoon needs to calm down, or he'll scare his hyung away with suddenly asking him out in the middle of a soccer game where he's never upset with the result, but actually upset with the fact that Hyunsuk can still be cute despite being drenched in sweat. Fuck. 

But he's worried he can't meet Hyunsuk's type. From his fashion sense to his love for soccer, and man, don't even start with music composing. The last time he composed music was in grade school, and he didn't even win the competition because he sucks at rhyming words. He was never a poetic person, so he knew, he can never meet Hyunsuk's expectations when it comes to ideal types.

Maybe he's just a little too hopeful. After all, at the end of the day, Hyunsuk is his co-leader who knows exactly when to give attention and assurance. 

And Jihoon took those gestures into a something, that is just nothing.

“Let's go now, we still have T-MAP for tomorrow.” The other guys headed outside the small stadium, and Hyunsuk was about to get his things when he saw Jihoon spacing out.

“Jihoonie?”

“Jihoon-ah?

“Jihoon, hey!” He taps Jihoon's side, and finally, he responded. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon pursed his lips. “Hyung, did you answer the scrapbook already?”

“Yeah.”

“You completed the infos?”

“Yeah, why?”

Jihoon just offered a smile before ruffling Hyunsuk's hair with the guy's towel. He shook his head as an assurance. “Nothing.”

He stormed out of the scene, without even looking back at Hyunsuk whose eyes are still on the towel Jihoon gave. He tilted his head, “What's wrong with him?”

Jihoon took his shoes off and thought about Hyunsuk finishing the secret scrapbook. That means he really got his ideal type. Jihoon doesn't even know what to insert to that blank space, poor him. Is that really hard to just name who's his type and why is it Hyunsuk?

“Good thing I didn't know what you want,” he envied Hyunsuk for being sure about what he wants as a type. 

“Because if I do, it still wouldn't be me.”

•••

“All right, everyone, this will be a guessing game. They'll flash the questions, and a member's answer. You'll guess who answered those on their scrapbooks, if you answered it right and be able to get on the final round, there will be a prize. Okay, let's get it!” Junkyu threw his hand in the air, excitedly taking a seat beside Doyoung. They all got excited when a prize were mentioned, and being a group consists of competitive members, they all cheered.

“I told you, they're going to expose us.” Jeongwoo joked on Haruto, extending his hand as if he accepts his destiny to get cancelled once they know what he wrote along the question of ‘What's the baddest thing you did?’.

“Don't worry, Jeongwoo-ya. They all know what to expect about you.” Haruto nodded as an assurance.

“Aw, really? What is it?”

“That you're stupid.”

Haruto received a light punch on his shoulder, and heard a snort on his side. If only there weren't any cameras scattered around, he knew Jeongwoo would just jump on him and cause a chaos with him.

The game has started. Questions and their answers are all over the screens, and the members are messing the whole game like what they always do. This tests if they really know what each member's personality and a person as a whole.

“Who would most likely eat a dipped fries on an ice cream among us? I mean, it could be Junghwannie.” Yedam suggested when the 8th question were asked.

Hyunsuk head rocks back and forth, glancing to his side where one of his dongsaeng is, agreeing with Yedam's point as he plays with his pen. “Look, the last time we went to Mcdonalds, I saw Junghwan eating his fries like that. If you don't want to believe me, I don't really car—See? I'm right!”

The screen flashes Junghwan's face, making Yedam and Jihoon scream loudly. Junkyu looked at them in disgust when they both stuck their tongue out to the latter. Childish.

“Eh? Second round? Wait, that's so easy,” Jaehyuk brags and crosses his arms, jokingly. “Oh, the second round will include the questions from the second page, right?”

Jihoon gets stiff when he realized what he wrote on the page. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh.” He's fucked up.

He wrote—describe Hyunsuk's small details who's most likely recognized by his members. He let out a nervous laugh, and starts to joke around his members to divert their attention to Asahi's weird poses.

Jihoon silently hopes that he's not that unlucky to get his answer picked by the prompter.

“The question is about ideal types,”

Or maybe he is?

Junkyu's loud clap enveloped the room when he saw the answer on the screen. His eyes immediately shifted to Jihoon before laughing once again.

“I think it's Junkyu hyung's, his laugh is so suspicious.” Haruto suggested. Junkyu sent glares on his direction but he just scoff jokingly.

“Small, attentive, a busybody and has pretty smiles?” Hyunsuk let his eyes wander around and lookes over his members while thinking. “Mashi?”

“It's not me, but I know the answer.” Mashiho grinned before writing on his board, hiding on his small body as he smiles mischievously. Jeongwoo and the others started to bombard Mashiho with questions but he just shook his head, and smiles on the reflection at the glass beside him.

Jihoon's.

The aforementioned man sighed in relief when no one looked at him. Luck is on his side when they all suspected Jaehyuk and Junkyu and wrote their names on their boards. And since Junkyu's suspected, he decided to be a full-time asshole and an ungrateful bestfriend, hands extended as he pointed at Jihoon's direction.

“Everyone, it's Jihoon's!”

“Yah! Kim Junkyu!”

“Trust me, guys. I know his likes, he knows mine too. Look, it was obvious that he likes short people to complement his height, you know.” Junkyu convinced the members, and what scares Jihoon is the slowly turning faces on his way with a grin plastered on their lips.

But Jihoon's peripheral vision somehow deceives him when he saw a glimpse of confusion and disappointment in Hyunsuk's face.

“I didn't know that.” Jihoon heard Hyunsuk, so he let his gaze shift on the older only to be greeted with a teasing smile that brought disappointment in him.

Right, his eyes are playing with him. There's no reason for Hyunsuk to feel disappointed, anyway.

“Kim Junkyu, stop telling your answers!” Jihoon snapped, making Junkyu realize that it's still a game with only 1 winner.

“Okay, Jihoon hyung it is.”

“Junghwan, it's Jihoon hyung.”

“Wait, I'll erase mine.”

The younger leader mentally face-palmed himself as his shoulder's slumped. Now, how can he get away from this?

His flashed on the screen, but his eyes are on the white tiles reflecting the dim ceiling lights. He can hear Jaehyuk teasing him while Junkyu laughing ever so loud amidst the loud cheers of the maknaes. Mashiho just smiled because he's right.

And Hyunsuk, he's smiling at the screen.

“What about you, hyung? What did you write?” Jihoon can hear Doyoung's voice from his side. Man, his ears really do works well when it comes to Hyunsuk.

“I wro—”

“I'm gonna win this, alright!”

Just before hearing Hyunsuk's answer, Jeongwoo's loud cheer overtook his hyung's voice and Jihoon failed to eavesdrop Hyunsuk's answer. His brows drew a line together, eyes on Jeongwoo before sighing.

What's the point of knowing Hyunsuk's answer when it wouldn't be him? He's the older leader's opposite. He might not admit it to himself, but he already unconsciously have—in national tv.

He's not that oblivious. He doesn't need any little confirmation from Junkyu for him to realize that there is something more he wanted from his only hyung. Funny it is, but he unconsciously mentioned his first love on the national television with the thought of Hyunsuk in his mind. His seniors were shocked, Jihoon himself were shocked too, but who cares? He thought, it's just a stupid crush he dared to put a label from years ago. They're friends, he just admires his hyung's leadership and the way he does things. But things happened to get deeper, to the point that he gets overwhelms with the smaller guy's presence without knowing.

But it's not Hyunsuk's fault if he doesn't see Jihoon the way he sees him every morning, practices, or from their english lessons.

Those days were the days when Jihoon realized that he's not anyone else's but Hyunsuk's.

Bad thing, Hyunsuk wasn't Jihoon's.

They finished the recording. The members swept away after saying goodbyes to their staffs, waving their hands, and bowing their heads as they headed towards their designated vans. Jihoon remained silent, and even told the worried members that he didn't have a good sleep last night as an excuse.

He doesn't want to worry the guys because of his illusion phase. He hates burdening people, so he just pretends to yawn and silently was about to get on the van when he felt a tap on his shoulders, making him turn his head, and for his surpise: it's Hyunsuk, flashing his unfairly pretty smile.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Are you free later?” Hyunsuk asks.

Jihoon bit his lips and apprehensively answered. “Yeah, why?”

“I finished my song.”

“That's good,” Jihoon pats Hyunsuk's head like what he always does when the older tells him his hardworks. “Then why di—”

“I want you to be the first one to hear it, Jihoon-ah.”

•••

The night Yoshi fetched Hyunsuk.

“Still not done with your ballad, hyung?” Yoshi asks while fixing his hair, looking at his reflection on the elevator's mirror. “You've been camping in your studio for that, can I hear it?”

“Maybe next time.” Hyunsuk offers him a smile, and Yoshi sent another on his way as he nods.

“Okay, hyung. I guess you're saving it for someone else to hear?” Yoshi teases his always-shy hyung and jokes. He stopped fixing his hair and realize that Hyunsuk isn't giggling like what he expected, so he turned his head to see a flushed face of his hyung that made his mouth form an 'O'.

“Oh,” the younger continues. “So I was... right? You're saving it for someone else! Woah, I see. That's why you always wear your headphone when you arranges it, you don't want any noise to slip from your song. Hyung, I didn't know you're this cheesy, huh?”

“Shut up, Yoshi-ya.” Hyunsuk chuckled, face still flushed.

“I already have an idea who it might be but, goodluck on your song, hyung. See you!” Yoshi waved his hand before running on the other side of the hallway. Hyunsuk just smiled at his fading back before entering his own studio.

He needs Yoshi to shut up about his plan, or it'll ruin everything.

•••

The night after their soccer game.

Hyunsuk returned to his studio, the clicking sounds coming from his computer mouse as he slowly finishes his latest song he wrote 2 years ago. It was a song he wrote around the time of YG Treasure box, it was a ballad song—a sad song to be exact. But after digging on his files from years ago, he found the first notebook where he wrote the unedited lyrics.

It was originally a love song.

“It's done! Yay!” The guy clapped in glee and joy combined before rubbing his palms together. He has been working on the song for the past weeks and has been returning from the dorm to the studio to arrange it. Taking time to finish it without rushing it because there's something about this song to the point that he decided to continue working on it.

He looked at his old pad beside the keyboard and smiled.

Title: Never of You
Lyrics by: CHOI HYUN SUK

•••

Present.

“Ah—hello, good evening.” Jihoon greets the staff before silently making his way on the empty hallway of the new building. Hyunsuk asked him to come to his studio after having dinner with the other members. It's already 11 pm, and looks like Hyunsuk's staying at his studio once again. Jihoon thinks, he's overworking himself so he might spare him a telling later 'cause he knew, his hyung is tired.

Earlier when Hyunsuk asked him to listen to the song, he got nervous. But when he said that he wanted Jihoon to be the first one to listen to his song, he somehow gets excited and relieved.

He doesn't want to jump to conclusions or assume things more than he did weeks ago, like how he paid too much attention to Hyunsuk being too caring when it comes to him only to realize that he does that to everyone. Everyone, not just him. So, he doesn't want to assume things because that's what his mind wanted to think. He learned his lesson already.

He arrived at Hyunsuk's studio door and was about to knock when it opened slowly. And then, a small figure greets Jihoon's tapioca eyes with a satisfied smile on his lips.

”Hi.”

“Hey,” Jihoon greeted back. “You had dinner already?”

“I had... a ramen?”

“Come on, hyung,” Jihoon rocks his head back and forth when he heard Hyunsuk. “How many ramen did you eat for 5 consecutive days inside your studio? I'm impressed you haven't eaten burger yet.”

Hyunsuk chuckled before leaning against his door and makes way for Jihoon to enter. “We can order burger now, you know. Do you want some?”

“Not really. But if you want, go on and order, hyung.” He sat beside the shelves and roam his eyes around the studio. His eyes darted to the computer screen and saw complicated buttons he'll never get used to.

Maybe that's why he didn't enter the music composing world. It'll be a lot of work, and he has things he excels too. Sadly, he doesn't meet Hyunsuk's type for having the same vibe like what Junkyu told him.

“Alright. Wait here.”

Before even nodding as a response, Hyunsuk exited the room. Jihoon sighed and sat on the work chair infront of the computer screen. Piano on his side and beats in front. Hyunsuk is surely organized when it comes to his studio room, and what impressed Jihoon the most is the journal he always see in Hyunsuk's grip from their trainee days, resting at the side of the table.

He reached for the notebook and smiled when he remembered how much Hyunsuk cherished the journal even before. It brings back memories from their trainee days, and as far as Jihoon can remember, it was Hyunsuk's lyric book.

“He kept this for years. Nice.” He whispered to himself before opening the journal.

It was filled with little doodles and indistinguishable handwritten words. The ink is kinda fading, maybe because it was from years ago. Jihoon continued flipping the pages, only feel nostalgic with every one of them. He was about to flip the paper when he saw a page where it looks like it was written hours ago. The ink looks new, and the writings seemed to change.

It was a new song Hyunsuk wrote. Jihoon smiled at the page.

There are some parts that were erased, shaded, and changed. Looks like Hyunsuk revised the whole song from years ago. He read the title, but his eyes seemed to pull off a prank for him when he realized that the first title were shaded.

Never of Jihoon You.

He can't read the third word because of how thick the shade of ink so he just shrugged it off and was about to proceed on reading the lyrics when he felt a tap on his back, the noise of paper bag, and the sound of little giggling that he found amusing after all the years he have heard them.

“Here.”

Hyunsuk raised the paper bag and smiled at Jihoon.

What a way to snatch his heart once again.

“I got this at the convenience store. They're freshly cooked burgers.” Happily unwrapping one, Hyunsuk gave Jihoon a burger as his smile never fade. If only Hyunsuk knew how much it could kill someone in a snap, maybe he'll lessen offering Jihoon lethal smiles.

Hyunsuk saw his lyric book on Jihoon's grip, and realized what he wrote there so he took it from Jihoon, making the latter confused with the sudden action.

“You read it?”

“I was about to. Hey, I thought you don't use that anymore?”

“Yeah. I just revised one of my songs and I thought I could work on it, so yeah,” the older leader nodded as he clasp his hands. “I finished it.”

“Is that the song you've been working on these days? The reason you camped in here and ate ramen for consecutive days?” Jihoon jokes.

“Exactly.” Hyunsuk giggles, and Jihoon smiled.

It's been a while, they feels like normal.

Normal means friends. Nothing special.

That was never the first time Jihoon felt the need to get out of that normal zone.

Hyunsuk stopped eating and wrapped his burger before putting it on the paper bag. He took a seat beside Jihoon and reached for the computer mouse.

“What's the title, hyung?”

The older stopped from finding the file, and shifted his gaze Jihoon that made Jihoon skip a lot of beats of his heart.

“Never of you.”

Never of you.

Jihoon felt the whole zoo when Hyunsuk smiled at him while saying the title song. Oh, God, Jihoon's about to combust in the air if Hyunsuk wouldn't stop on giving him that smile. It's making him feel something, like any other ones he received before, he felt special.

Only if Hyunsuk would stop giving him hope, he'd probably stop on trying to fall for Hyunsuk's latching smiles.

“Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon hummed.

“Listen carefully.”

Oh please, the way it scares Jihoon because his heart might fall, hard and brutally.

The song starts with guitar strums, and piano on the background that perfectly fits the entrance of the melody. Jihoon was never new to hearing Hyunsuk singing ballad songs, but still find it amusing how a person can be this perfect.

Golden hues of sunsets
Ocean blues
Dried leaves with droplets
From yesterday noon

When the first stanza were sung, Jihoon had goosebumps. It was soothing, and full of emotions that he never know where came from. Jihoon turned his head towards Hyunsuk, only to see him smiling at him confidently.

He mouthed ‘It's nice’ to his hyung, and the latter shook his head, shyly.

Mountains at midnight
Morning blew
Lethal eyes on mine
Mourning drew

Jihoon smile fade when he realized the lyrics. He remembered the time their team went to hike, and that was the day after he got kicked out from the company after he didn't improve as how they expected. It was their last bonding as a team. Jihoon was crying ever so loud, and the members even forgot that they still have their night pratice. They spent their night shouting at the high elevated area of the mountain, and that was the last time Hyunsuk cried in front of him kmowing that one of his closest friends got kicked out again. At first, it was a scene for the team, but seeing from Jihoon's perspective now, Hyunsuk's trying to convey something with his lyrics.

When I see your eyes
Oh, they lures me right
Enormous worries
Oh, Swept away by sight

The pre-chorus resonates with his soul, as it conveyed such lyrics he never knew he needed to hear. He pursed his lips, trying to not give much thought about it because they're not for him. He's sure. Jihoon's so sure that he never felt Hyunsuk's eyes on him, staring at him intently from the beginning of the song until now.

The chorus is just as worst, because he felt his heart dropped when Hyunsuk hummed. His peripheral vision are filled with an image of Hyunsuk looking at him as he hums, and smiling as if he's adoring him.

Extended in the air
Hands up as I swear
That I would never forget
The way your lips would dare
To curved into a smile
Like a street light
At midnight

“Hyung...”

Even before saying anything, Hyunsuk didn't take his eyes off him as he sings the chorus.

“Oh, I'm your avenue
Yet you never knew
That I get tired and blue
But never of you.”

Hyunsuk paused the song just before it reaches the next verse. That's when silence enveloped between them. Hyunsuk's eyes are still on his, and Jihoon?

Jihoon's about to combust.

“N-Nice song, hyung! Good thing you decided to revise it. I didn't know where the words are coming from but it's nice,” Jihoon clasped his hands and smiled nervously without meeting Hyunsuk's eyes.

Jihoon's not fond of love that won't meet him halfway.

“What was it all about, hyung?”

“You.”

But he's fond of love that makes his heart dive into a deep sinkhole with just a word he could never imagine hearing from the same guy that find everyone, special.

“Huh?” Jihoon was shocked. Maybe. his ears are tripping. Yeah, may—

“I wrote it for you. Like 2 years ago. Around YGTB premiere, when you came back.”

Nope. They're not tripping.

He heard Hyunsuk sighed, and reached for Jihoon's head to pat.

“I thought, I could revise it and let you listen to it so you would be aware of how much I genuinely find you special, Jihoon-ah.”

It's a dream, Jihoon. Wake the fuck up. Jihoon thought, but sadly, it wasn't.

“You might not know it but I wrote it with my whole heart, and don't worry, I just want to let this out so I wouldn't trouble you in the future. I just want to face my feelings and wanted to hear a 'no' from you so I could finally find a reason to stop,” the older guy chuckled and scratches his head. “Because the more I spend my time with you, the more I find reasons to stay with you, and I think that's scary.”

“Scary?”

“Yeah,” he lets out a sincere smile. “It's scary, because I know I would just be able to love you silently and wait until it disappears in faint air.”

“So maybe... Maybe I could use this chance to get a grip to myself and stop wanting to want you silently, Jihoon-ah. I don't want things to get complicated in the future once you've found out in a way I don't want.” Hyunsuk shyly hid his face with the palm of his hand and smiled.

“And so yeah, I just pray for you. Hopes the best things to come onto you, because that's what I can do for now.”

“That's what you thought you dumbass.”

Hyunsuk jumped from his seat slightly when Jihoon looked at him, frustratedly. It sent chills in his spine, making him gulp out of nervousness.

Jihoon crossed his arms, raising his brow with his head tilted. “You think you can get away after writing a whole ass song for me? For making me feel so stupid for trying to get your attention for months? Trying to meet your ideal type? Or even for making me wear a thick furry jacket in the middle of a 30 degrees temperature of summer season? Do you really think I would let you escape me?”

“Eh?”

“‘Eh?’ Don't ‘Eh’ me, stupid. I love you too, you coward.”

“B-But—”

“No buts. You literally made me ask Junkyu for an advice, and don't make me start with the outfit part because—What the hell, why are we so stupid?” Jihoon felt the frustration crept up in his face when he realized how stupid they are for being too oblivious.

“Wait... what makes you think to wear uncomfortable clothes?”

“That bitch, Kim Junkyu, said you might like someone whom you can vibe with. I thought you would like it if I dress like how you dress, and yeah, fuck it.” He doesn't want to remember the way he dive onto Doyoung's clothes to find a furry jacket or anything that fits as Hyunsuk's style.

“Really?” Hyunsuk failed to suppress his laugh and slaps his leg because how hilarious Jihoon's overthinking phase.

“It's your fault. For not telling me sooner. Shut up, hyung. And what did you even write on your scrapbook, huh?”

“I wrote 'my opposite'. It fits you anyway. Stick with your cardigans and shirts, that's way more than enough to make me nervous, y'know.”

“Head over heels, eh?” Jihoon jokes, scooting over Hyunsuk, and that's a bad move because he thought his hyung would get flustered, but no.

“Yeah, head over heels.” Hyunsuk scooted even closer and smirked.

Jihoon plucks Hyunsuk's forehead with his fingers because he was the one who got flustered and all flushed.

“Don't get ahead of my flirtiness, hyung.”

“But that was the truth, Jihoon-ah.”

“Shut up and let things sink in my mind.”

“Sink in what?”

“That you love me.”

“But I do.”

“Shut up, hyung.”

“BUT I DO, REALLY!”

“I get it, I get it! Geez, calm down, whipped man.”

Jihoon's not fond of love that won't meet him halfway. Or a love that won't see him the way he does, because he's a fan of romance drama where love gets all reciprocated.

And with the love that tied along the years of friendship, he grew fonder of the love that he gets to see everyday, without being reciprocated or equalized. In the pretence of friendship, he found a lot of reasons to keep the love along the friendship more than the times he almost gave up, because that's what all that matters.

The love and friendship that he grew fond of: Hyunsuk.

--

“Kim Junkyu! Open the goddamn door or I'll crash it open! Try me!”

“Why am I suddenly getting a raid in my room when I just helped you, you ungrateful man!”

“Open the door!”

“It's not my fault you made yourself wear stupid clothes because of how weak your comprehension is, you dumbass. Let me sleep in peace!”

“No!”

“Hyunsuk hyung! Jihoonie's trying to kill me!”

“You bet!” The door crashed open, revealing a tall man with a grin on his face.

Junkyu couldn't help but to gulp and shout for help.

“Hyunsuk hyung!”

Rest in peace.