Work Text:
When Tatsuya first confessed to him… Well, Jun wasn't sure he could call it a confession, even. He just grunted and nodded in the direction of Jun after Lisa defeated her shadow. Not quite romantic, but neither was Jun.
When Tatsuya first nodded in his direction with the vague implication that he was into him, Jun felt… Embarrassed, over being confessed to in front of his friends. Overjoyed, over knowing his best friend and first love felt the same way. Inadequate, feeling like Tatsuya didn't deserve him, not after what he'd done. Hopeful, imagining a future where they were all alright and he could go on dates with his boyfriend -oh, just the word gave him butterflies in his stomach.
Scared.
When he saw Lisa's disconsolate face, looking at him like he'd just done a great injustice to her, then glancing at Tatsuya with an ever more pained expression. Jun could feel her insecurities boiling, her self hatred, her sense of inadequacy…
And when everyone turned around to look back at her, she quickly brushed off all that, smiling wide, wishing them happiness. But Jun knew. Jun knew.
It was not hatred she had for them, no. It wasn't anything as simple as that, he could tell she was proud of them. Lisa wasn't anything like those idiots who mocked him for liking flowers or astrology. Lisa was kind, loving, warm, she was wild and stubborn and she jumped to conclusions, she would forever mull over the mistakes she did, and the love she had for her friends was too much to even fit in her.
He didn't want to lose her.
He didn't want to lose the girl that lended him her dresses and complimented him, commenting again and again how pretty he looked. Jun even let her put makeup on him once or twice, and he'd fight back giggles at how the brushes tickled him or at Lisa's focused face and she'd reprimand him and tell him to keep still, but dissolve into giggles herself.
He didn't want to lose the girl who would listen with great interest about the flowers and their meanings, even when they were kids. Back then, she would go and brag about him, how he was so smart and he knew everything about flowers! She'd grab Jun's hand and drag him around, pointing out plants and asking him about them. Even if he didn't know, she wouldn't mind.
He didn't want to lose the girl who would come to him for comfort when the other kids mocked her looks.
He didn't want to lose the girl who matched his banter with her, who could see past his cold exterior and knew that all the playful riffing he did was his way of saying 'I care about you, more than words can express'. When she couldn't respond to his lighthearted insults, she'd laugh and pull him into a hug.
A hug. Lisa had been the first to hug him after so long.
After the incident, after his memories had been changed, he felt as if he couldn't trust anyone. His friends, his best friends, had killed Big Maya- how could he? There was no one he could trust, not when his mother scorned him and his father was hellbent on making him an instrument of vengeance.
Until they freed him, he had never been hugged again.
When they did, the first thing he felt was Lisa's arms wrapped around him, her face buried in his shoulder. Her warmth surrounding him, her hair tickling his cheeks, the scent of her expensive perfume all around him, the grounding pressure she brought, Jun wished he could stay in that hug forever.
He couldn't say he liked being touched, at all. Friends had to ask permission, strangers had no chance at all. By Hermes, if strangers even tried to touch him, they would face the brunt of his coldness and anger. He'd insult them and scoff, his reaction a fraction of the storm of expletives and violence that brewed in his mind. King Leo had grabbed his hand once and Jun almost broke his jaw before his father told him to stop.
But, Lisa… When she held his hand, when she hugged him, or even trapped him in a noogie, he felt safe. Comfortable. Like he could bring his guard down, just for a moment, just while Lisa held him there.
When she was sleepy, or focused on something else, and he moved his hand into her line of sight - usually near her face… She would take his hand in one of hers and gently, so gently, rub her thumb over his knuckles, pet circles on the back of it, gingerly touch the rest of her fingers to his own. Lisa always stammered out apologies, startled when she realized what she was doing, but Jun always laughed at her reaction and reminded her it was alright. It was fine if it was her.
A lie. It wasn't just fine.
He wished he could tell his friend that he'd happily live in her embrace for the rest of his life.
A bit of a hyperbole, but he never was too good at feeling affection for others. Maybe he and Tatsuya fell for each other because they both were amateurs at expressing love.
The realization was slow. Hard to dissolve, hard to move in. Like a car struggling to start. Once it did, it settled in deep.
The thought of losing his companionship with Lisa terrified him. Horrified him, mortified him, made him want to curl up, shiver, puke his guts out in fear of the vague implication of it. It befuddled him, of course. Losing any of his best friends caused an extremely adverse reaction, but Lisa's was different. Why was it? Why couldn't he tell?
Was he in love? No, that wasn't it. He couldn't look at her like he looked at Tatsuya, it almost felt wrong to do so, and he knew his attractions lay among the sons of Mars. In simpler terms, he knew he was gay.
Then what was it? Why did he wish to be the target of her embraces and cuddles, why did he want to be so close to her? To know she was there, that she would be there for him? What was it he wanted, and what was the feeling that rolled around in his heart, fluffy and overly cheesy, disgustingly saccharine, when he thought of spending time with her. So alike and yet so different of those he had for his boyfriend.
He wanted to tell Lisa.
He couldn't tell Lisa. He couldn't.
Jun didn't have the words to tell her how he felt. There were none to have. He didn't love her like he loved Tatsuya, like she loved Tatsuya. He wasn't attracted to her, that he knew. To say he wanted to spend his life near her was simple, he felt the same towards Michel and Maya. To stay best friends, always. Together and never too far apart.
And yet… His love for her was still different from how he loved Michel.. From how he loved Maya. He loved them all, of course, each in their special way, but…
The words kept failing him.
He tried to approach him from a different perspective.
In his ideal future, what role would she have?
He mulled it over, for days and days.
He and Tatsuya… Would live together. Preferably. Taking it as a simply ideal world, with no account for setbacks… They could be married. Maybe. The word made him feel anxious. He brushed it aside.
Tatsuya wanted to be a mechanic, so he would be one. Jun would be a math teacher, at either Sevens or Kasu. They would live in a small but cozy home, with a yard where Jun could plant his flowers and Tatsuya could work on his beloved bike.
Micheli lived near them, just across the street, with his wife Miyabi. Both were relatively famous locally, with Michel's band and Miyabi's reports in the Sumaru newspaper. They came over for dinner at least once a week.
Maya would live nearby, too. Maybe a block down. She was now the editor of the magazine she worked for, but still wrote articles from time to time. She finally managed to keep her house in presentable order and would invite the whole gang to have dinner at her place. She never stopped being their Big Sis.
Lisa… Lisa…
Once again, he was at a loss.
A passing thought perched on his brain. One that he brushed away quickly, shocked with embarrassment over what it proposed.
But it stayed and Jun thought it over, slowly leaning into it as if entering very hot water.
Lisa… would… Live with them. Him and Tatsuya.
She… She would even sleep in the same bed as them, with her arms wrapped around Jun. She snored, as did Tatsuya, but Jun didn't mind.
She was a martial arts instructor. She even filmed classes that were sold on VCR tapes. She was popular among the elderly ladies.
Lisa would- make him breakfast. Sometimes, not always. Sometimes he made it. Sometimes Tatsuya made it. Depends on who woke up first. But when she did, and he woke up, she'd greet him with... with a kiss on the cheek, and she'd hand him his plate, wishing him a good day with another kiss before setting off.
If their classes matched up, they could go for lunch together. Gossip about their students. Take turns walking each other back to their workplace, depending on the day… after that-
Jun shocked himself out of his domestic escapism fantasies. Something he found worthless, useless - one had to live in the real world, after all. And above all else...
How dare he. How could he? How selfish could he be?
Force Lisa to watch the love of her life be in love with someone else, every day? Expect her to live like that, and be happy? Just because he wanted her closer to him?
But it didn't have to be like that. Maybe- Maybe she dated Tatsuya too-
Jealous feelings reared their ugly head, snarling in the back of his mind. He swatted them down. If it meant- If it meant he could be near her, she could be happy…
But would Tatsuya want that? Did he love her too?
His jealousy yowled once more, bristling. He sighed, defeated.
To plan such an ideal life was like trying to solve an impossible tangram. Pieces never fit so neatly. They couldn't. He could slide them around, turn them, change their position as much as he wanted, but they'd never fit neatly.
And if he tried to force them in, they'd break.
A deep sigh escaped him. No. He recollected himself. Wallowing in despondency would do him no good.
Words failed him now? Words had always failed him. Words had never been there for him.
His feet took him towards his bookshelf and his hands moved towards a well-loved book, as if on instinct. His fingers ran along the spine, passing the title character by character.
The first flower dictionary he ever had, one he hadn't used for years. Why choose that one, then? He couldn't tell. He remembered Lisa dusting off the spots of mud on the cover with the hem of her skirt from that one time he tripped and the book fell on the ground, back when they were little. Jun worried about her dress getting dirty, she waved him off. The book was important to him. He turned it in his hands to look at the cover. There were still hints of the spots.
Yes, this book was a useful, old friend. About to be useful again.
===
Organizing the bouquet was a hellish experience. Of course no one had given the flowers the meanings he needed, so he was forced to take roundabout paths with them. There were flowers, plants even, that stores did not carry, that he had no time to grow himself, that couldn't be stolen from other gardens or from the park. There were colours that clashed, by the stars were there so many colors that clashed.
Jun wouldn't call himself a perfectionist, but he needed it to be right . He needed Lisa to understand he didn't want their friendship ruined over this, he needed her to understand that he needed her beside him. But the universe seemed to conspire against him, and, considering the situation, it likely was.
He was running out of time. Jun needed to take action. One afternoon, he steeled himself and asked Lisa to come to his house.
"I'd love to, Jun! But my dad is super weird with me visiting boys", she sighed, shaking her head. It wasn't an excuse, Jun could tell. He felt discomfort behind her words - there always was, since the Taurus temple. He thought there was, at least.
"Can we just pass by?I have something to give you" Jun pleaded, hoping his desperation wouldn't show.
Lisa couldn't refuse. They walked in awkward silence to his apartment and Lisa stood at the door while he went inside to fetch the arrangement of flowers he'd been working on for so long.
He stumbled over with it, due to how big it had gotten, and held it in what he imagined to be Lisa's vague direction. He swallowed dryly, before mumbling.
"It's… For you. I know it's a bit weird, but-"
Jun was interrupted by a loud, excited squeal and the force of Lisa suddenly hugging him, flowers smooshed between them.
" Hoisamuro, oh my gosh, Jun!! They're so pretty, thank you so, so, so, so much!!" Lisa spoke, struggling to reach him behind all the flowers. When the boy did set them down, she held onto him even harder, peppering his cheek with kisses.
Jun couldn't help but laugh, being tickled by Lisa's eyelashes whenever she pressed a kiss to his cheek. She rested her chin on his shoulder, squeezing him even more and swaying him from side to side with her in her joy.
"Li- Hehe, Lisa! Hang on! Calm down a bit!" Jun laughed, getting caught up in the girl's reaction.
Lisa jolted back, hands covering her mouth as she realized she might have gotten ahead of herself.
"Sorry-yah!! These probably all have their own meaning and I-" Her eyes drifted down to the flowers laying on the table beside them, now a bit flatter than they were. " Houshounah , I flattened them… Jun, I'm so sorry"
The boy shook his head with a gentle smile, picking the flowers again and gently fixing them here and there.
"They're alright, don't worry. Flowers are more resilient than you give them credit for", he explained, handing them to her once more.
Lisa's eyes sparkled when she looked at him, waiting. She really wanted to hear the meanings.
For once, Jun cursed himself for knowing their meanings and knowing that his friends knew that he knew the meanings. He couldn't just give flowers anymore and it was the greatest curse he could think of. The boy invited her inside and she rushed in, practically kicking her shoes out at the door and diving for the couch, holding the flowers like a giant teddy bear.
The boy sat down next to her, carefully, thinking about his every movement. As she held the flowers, Jun would carefully touch each type, holding them by the stem between his pointer finger and his thumb. He said their names then said the meaning they had.
Regret. I'm sorry.
Friendship. Affection. Admiration. Unchanging friendship.
Gratitude. Worth beyond beauty. Perfected loveliness.
Forever, eternity. Unfading love. Joys to come.
A clover with three leaves. Lisa picked it and stared at it, when Jun turned red and refused to give the meaning for it.
He alternated between facing down at the old carpet of his living room or looking at Lisa's face to see how she reacted.
There was none of that energy she showed at his doorstep, no tackling him to hug him and fill his cheeks with kisses. Jun rubbed at his cheek. He was sure she left some lipstick marks in there.
She had a gentle, faint smile on her face, eyes sparkling as she looked at the flowers. Lisa gazed at them like they were a magnificent palace, the greatest gift ever given, as if Jun had taken his heart and offered it to her. She turned to face him.
" Kwai faa…" She muttered, voice dripping with affection, face one of gratitude.
"Lisa, I'm sorry… About this with… Tatsuya, I-" Jun interrupted her, leaning forward, staring down at the carpet as his hands came to rest on each side of his head. "I… I love him, I'm sorry- But I don't want to lose you. I don't want us to stop being friends because of this"
Jun closed his eyes, fingers curling as he tensed up. The thought made him panic, once more.
Lisa made a thoughtful noise. Jun heard the noise of the flowers being set down again before her arms wrapped around his middle and she rested her forehead on his shoulder.
"I don't want to lose you either", she spoke, barely audible. Lisa gingerly moved his hands away from his head, and placed a hand behind it so she could carefully move him to rest his head against her shoulder.
"After that I… I was hurt. A lot. I was… Sad, and angry, and lost, and I was… Sad and angry and hurt for a long time after it", Lisa explained, petting Jun's hair as she leaned back on the couch. "But you guys were happy and I just thought about how selfish I was… I tried not to think about it, but every time I saw you I did, so…" She swallowed dryly. "I avoided you. As much as I could"
Jun looked to the side, his heart clenching with guilt. He opened his mouth to apologize again, but Lisa raised her hand to caress his cheek.
"And that hurt . A lot, lot more. More than being rejected by Tatsuya! Not having you around made me feel sick, it made me all fidgety… I wanted to hug you but I couldn't and I wanted to say good morning and chat with you but I couldn't… It was awful!"
The boy lifted himself slightly from his leaning position to look up at her. In turn, she looked down at him, tears on the corner of her eyes.
"You're my best friend, Jun. I don't care if Tatsuya chose you or what, I just care about… About…", she sniffled, before letting out an awkward laugh. "Figures I can't put the words together now, huh?"
"Being with you", completed Jun, picking her hand up with his own. "Me too. Me too"
She tilted her head to the side, looking at him with all the love in the world. She placed her hands on his cheeks and brought him closer to press a kiss to his forehead, before touching it to hers.
"We'll be friends, Jun. No matter what happens. I promise you", she said, rubbing her nose against his own. The boy nodded the slightest amount, careful not to headbutt her.
Jun moved his head to rest his chin on Lisa's shoulder and she giggled, his bangs brushing against her cheek. He placed his hands on her arms, too shy to hug her back, but she held him tighter against her. Not quite a comfortable position to cuddle on the couch, but Jun felt he was in heaven nonetheless.
Aside from the crawling anxiety on his spine. He hadn't said everything. He couldn't say it, after all. Jun hoped that the mess of flowers he put together could explain it… Hah, he knew that was asking too much.
"Lisa, that's not just it…" Jun leaned his head against hers, gathering all the courage in his body. "I… I wish I could tell you how I feel, but I can't- seem to find the words to.. To, to explain it"
The girl gently pushed him back, making him sit back on his heels on the couch cushion next to hers, and gave him a knowing smile.
"Well, point to the flowers, silly!"
Jun shook his head. He rested his balled up fists against his knees.
"They're not enough. They're just buzzwords themselves"
Lisa made a doubting noise, leaning to the side to look at the flowers again. She gently rotated one of them between her fingers.
"Does this have to do with, ehm… 'Unfading love', 'Eternity'...", she picked up the clover again. "And this guy?"
Jun looked down, face as red as some of the flowers he'd offered her. Lisa nodded slowly, looking back at him with a curious expression.
"What if I try to guess?"
Jun looked at her, waiting. He gave her a curt nod.
"Maybe… Maybe you're telling me we'll be friends forever?" She reached over to pat his hand and give a stage whisper. "I'd love that, by the way." Jun's blush grew ever brighter. Before he replied, she corrected herself. "I'm sure that's in there, but it's more! It's like… I want to stay by your side for the rest of my life"
Lisa said the last part dramatically, half-joking. She chuckled to herself, slightly shaking her head, but her eyes went wide when she looked at Jun and he nodded.
"Oh, uh! Hm. You're saying… You're not into me like that, but you want to live with me…?"
Jun clutched the fabric of his trousers.
"But then what about Tatsuya? Unless…" Lisa's eyes drifted towards the three leafed clover that she had put down in her lap.
Before she could say it out loud, Jun interrupted her once more.
"I couldn't ask it of you", he wheezed, suddenly realizing he was holding his breath this entire time. "You'd be miserable. Forced to… To live with me and Tatsuya like that. I'm sorry", he rubbed his nose with his wrist. "It's- It was just a selfish whim-"
To his surprise, Lisa cackled in response and practically tackled him again, resting the side of her head on his chest and arms finding their way around him once more.
" Ho Oi Dik , kwai faa, you're such a worrywart, you dork!" She snorted, nuzzling the side of her head against his chest. She patted the sides of his arms before sitting back up. "We're still in highschool! Why are you planning for that?"
The boy grumbled to himself, adjusting his uncomfortable position. He shrugged, looking to the side with his eyebrows furrowed down. All a vain attempt to hide how embarrassed he felt.
"Listen… It doesn't matter right now, okay? When this is all over, when we fix this Xibalba crap and everything goes back to normal, we'll talk to Tatsuya. Figure something out!" She reassured him, rubbing his arms.
Yeah. That sounded nice, Jun thought. He gave her the faintest of curt nods and they shared a look, so full of affection it nearly gave him a sugar overdose. Lisa laughed and pulled him towards her, moving to a more comfortable position.
His head against her shoulder, one of her arms around his middle while she pet his hair with her other hand, making him sleepy. He rubbed the side of her arm with his hand.
Jun wasn't too well versed in giving back affection. He sure could absorb it like a sponge, and hoped his cozy sighs and yawns were gratitude enough for Lisa. They sure seemed to be, as she would seldomly press a kiss to his forehead.
Paying her back in the same coin, he sat up to kiss her cheek. This earned him a delighted giggle from Lisa and the girl rubbing their foreheads together before Jun settled back down.
It was… Well, it was a bit embarrassing, to tell the truth, but Jun was so darn comfortable he couldn't bring himself to stop. Was this the true symbolism of the Lovers arcana? Affection that felt like it was supposed to, comfortable instead of an attack, love instead of an offence to him… Once again, her warmth, her grounding embrace, the scent of her perfume… Was that lavender? With a hint of vanilla, too.
This was so heavenly, that the clock striking an already late hour felt like a punch to the gut. Lisa shared his sentiment, holding him closer to her and mumbling grumpily.
"Wanna go have dinner at my house? You can spend the night, too, if you want! It probably gets lonely, being here all alone" Lisa suggested, bringing down her hand to rub his cheek.
Jun yawned, stretching out of his sleepy stupor, blinking up at her.
"But… Your dad-"
"Oh, he's away on some business trip!", she dismissed. "And mom… Well, she'll be weird about it, but she won't say no"
Jun let out a 'huh' of mixed feelings. Still, he settled into her embrace once more, humming to himself, enjoying a couple more minutes before they had to leave.
They'd be fine. He was sure of it, now. He was back again with his friends, surrounded by their affections and love. They would defeat the evils that plagued the world and settle into a normal life with each other… Whatever happened past that - he worried about it. He was conditioned to make plans spanning decades.
Lisa was right, however. There was no need to think that far. It just distracted him from the present. The present, where he called Tatsuya his boyfriend. Where Lisa didn't mind and loved him just as much as she did before. Where Maya was their Big Sis and always would be. Where Michel would drag him to band practice after class, embellishing his piano playing skills to the rest of his friends.
Perhaps he didn't have to concern himself with such tangrams until the time came. For now, the pieces fit neatly. He saw the pattern they were supposed to make. If said pattern changed, well. He'd see how to make the pieces fit once more, knowing now Lisa would be there, beside him, as long as he needed to. Even if he didn't know how to describe what he felt, she was there, showering him with affection like only those of the Lovers arcana knew how to.
Jun sighed contentedly.
"Sure. Just… One question"
"Yeah?"
" Kwaifa ?"
" Kwai faa ! Sunflower in cantonese"
A lovely nickname that made Jun grin once he remembered something Lisa once told him.
"Your favorite flower…"
The girl nodded enthusiastically and pressed a kiss to his temples before rubbing the spot she kissed with her thumb.
"Oh, um- You might want to clean your face before my mom sees you…"
Jun sighed, nodding slightly. Yep, he guessed as much.