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Chapter Text

My hands felt like ice but it was the only way I could feel anything anymore. My eyes scanned the clear Asgardian skies as I waited for Loki, my prince, my love of five years, to return to our empty chamber. The velvet chaise we spent so many hours making love on was now just another piece of furniture I loathed to see. I wanted to have a big speech planned but I knew in the heat of the moment I wouldn’t be able to remember anything, I’d just spew nonsense and make myself look like more of a fool. I, a fool, the idea used to make me laugh. I was too smart I’d say, too strong to let anyone make one out of me, but here I am, the fool of Asgard.

How many hours had I spent alone in this room lately? God, I don’t even want to count. The numbness I felt engulfing my body was starting to feel so much better than the blaze of passion that used to course through my veins. The conversation has done nothing but keep us going in circles, every word he speaks drips with lies. They tie knots in the pit of my stomach, they pull my heart in a thousand different directions, or they did. My heart is just a useless piece of muscle, it beats but only because I have done nothing to stop it.

The clock on the wall reads two am, the latest he has stayed out with no explanation. At first he used so many excuses, a walk to clear his head, a late meeting with the high council, a weekend in Midgard to visit his brother. Even then I knew, in the deepest corner of my mind, something was amiss. I could tell when it started, when the arms that used to wrap around me at night only found me in public, when deep, passionate kisses became quick pecks on the cheek. The evening walks and other bullshit he told me carried on so late in the evenings even he had trouble filling in the gaps of his stories. Now when he arrives home, I turn on my side and pretend to be asleep while he strips off his perfume soaked clothes and gets in the shower.

I hear the door click open but I refuse to look at him, I say all these things in my head that make me feel angry and vengeful, but when I look into his emerald eyes all I feel is sadness and loss. Is it possible to still love someone whom you have come to loathe? Questions I need answers to jumble my head, my thoughts are getting clouded with the burning need to understand what I have done to make him stray. Why he won’t just leave me for her, is he just doing this to be cruel?

“You’re awake..” I hear his voice dripped in sadness from behind me.

I turn to face him, swinging my legs over and placing my feet on the cold ground. His hair is matted to the nape of his neck, he has only a light coat on but I can see the wrinkles in his pants and his shirt is tugged to the side, as if pulled on hurriedly. The familiar tingle of panic and dread come sweeping through me, gobbling me up like a tidal wave and pulling me down to the darkest depths of the ocean. My heart is racing and my legs have gone numb, I fear if I stand I will only fall back down, but I refuse to be tortured anymore.

“Why?” that’s all I can force out.

His eyes widened before they avert to the floor, he looks like a coward and that makes me angry. How dare he cower over his own actions, it was he who took another lover, the great prince of mischief, now suddenly caught like a dead mouse on the kitchen floor.

“My love I-“

“Don’t you dare use that fucking word. How dare you, just” I’m clenching my fists, my voice is shaking but the pent up rage seems to be bursting out of me. I can no longer control my own mouth. “Fuck you Loki, you call yourself a god yet you act like a dirty, slimy excuse of a man. You can’t even look at me when you lie anymore. I smell her disgusting perfume; I’ve spent more nights alone in our bed than I can even count. Do you enjoy torturing me? Have I just become a game to you? Well I will not stand it anymore!” my voice is loud enough to wake the whole floor.

“Please, just calm down” he says to me with an irritated scowl.

I open my mouth but no words form, there is just anger and redness. I can’t breathe, my throat feels like its closing up and I lunge for him. The force of my body knocks him into the wall, his head cracks against the stone and he takes down a large iron pillar holding up three lit candles. The candles roll out and over towards my feet, the hot wax splashes my legs but I can’t tell the difference because everything is burning. My heart, my hands, my skin, everything. It’s all fire and I don’t know how to make it stop.

“Why do you lie Loki? Why wouldn’t you just tell me? Do you not have enough people to torture in your life?! Do you hug me only to have me smell like her?!” I’m screaming so loud it pierces my own ears.

His eyes are wide as he pushes himself up to a sitting position. His hair is a mess and there is blood trickling from his mouth. I can’t stand the sight of him any longer; I fling my coat over my shoulders and grab a bag of gold coins sitting on the dresser. I’m fumbling with my boots when I hear his velvet voice from behind me, his cold fingers wrap around my wrist. I turn to face him and smack him hard, the sound bounces off the stone walls. The shock in his face is enough to make me laugh, but it is not out of amusement, it’s out of hatred.

“I’ll stop, alright? It was sex, that’s it.” He says to me through gritted teeth.

“I don’t care if you fucking become a eunuch Loki, you would have killed me had I been with another man. I was right all along, you are a putrid, pathetic, egotistical bastard and the world would have been better if Odin has just killed you instead.”

I couldn’t believe I had just said that to him, my tongue felt like acid but my heart was as still as a stone. You could cut the tension with a dull butter knife, he stared at me enraged, hand still clasped around my wrist. His eyes darkened as he glared at me with a heavy breath that made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I pulled my hand from his grip and to my surprise he released me. Something in him had faltered, I could see his demeanor shift, his body was shaking but he did not move to strike. I took this opportunity to head towards the door, giving one last look over my shoulder at the man whom had stolen my heart just to break it.

“This is it then?” he asks as I’m opening the door.

I look down at the cold hallway, with no idea what lay ahead of me, I have nowhere to go. My life was not my own, hadn’t been my own for years, but the life we shared together was torn apart. It burned right up the night he chose to stray, to leave me alone aching for his touch in our bed. I had survived being alone, through tears and hours of denial, but once the storm had passed and the realization began to sink in, I could stand alone. Though cold and broken, I could be alone, would be alone, for eternity. I had never loved before Loki, and I would probably never love anyone as I did him. To be pushed from love to hate by the same person is earth shattering, it hits you like a crack of lightening, rippling through your body leaving your scarred and singed. I should say something, something that will make him regret what he has done to me, but I can’t bring myself to form the words. So I shut the door behind me and make my way down the spiral stairs to watch the last sunrise I will ever see in Asgard.

Chapter Text

The lack of planning for this moment on my part was tremendously ironic, I had been off and on dreaming about this moment for nearly three years. As soon as I left Asgard I had a thousand reasons to run back and beg for Loki to love me again. I had nowhere to go and no idea what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I had been good at one thing, being Loki’s lover, although clearly I was lacking in some department since he decided to bed someone else. How quickly time changes everything, when the universe conspires against somebody to bring them karma, well that is the best feeling in the world.

I can see the carriages far off by the entrance to the city by the Midnight Forest; they are the size of tiny bugs. There are two being drawn by our stark white horses, their powerful leg muscles pull them as if they were lighter than air. It is a cloudy grey morning, the wind has a chill to it as it blows through the city, and the blood red sun is just now making its way over the tops of the spiraling towers along the city limits. Dresden is a city larger than Asgard, located on a planet just out of reach of the nine realms. It has been floating right out of Heimdall’s sight for who knows how many centuries, but it has given its inhabitants time to build a glorious city of silver and red. I look down on it now, my city, it is beautiful and home to the greatest army the universe has ever seen.

The two carriages were fast approaching now; I could make out their shape now meaning they would be here soon. I hear him rustling with his armor behind me, the clink of his metal shoes on the stone floor as he approaches me. I smile when his arms wrap around me, his skin is rough from wielding a sword all the time but I welcome his embrace all the same.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to accompany you today? I can hold off on the tour until tomorrow when the Asgardians leave” his voice is gruff in the morning, always deep when he wakes.

“No my love, if they wish to align with us and use our army, it only makes sense that they speak to me doesn’t it?” I ask with a smile.

“Very well, after all they did ask to speak with the Scarlett Queen. Ruler and commander of the vicious, tangible Midnight Army” he says with a chuckle.

My skin prickles when he says my name. I’m not sure who started calling our army that, but I know they named it after the forest. The stories of our army is that we are tough like the thick trunks of the trees in our forest, tactile like the live plants whom take whole human men for their meals if they anger them, and vicious like the nocturnal forest beast with razor claws that hide behind the darkness, waiting for their prey. I, myself, had been given the name Scarlett Warrior after I had begged to join Revka’s army. Soon after, I had so much blood on my sword that the named seemed fitting, so I took it with pride.

After making my way to Heimdall with tears streaking down my face he told me he would send me anywhere I wish. Therefore, I wished to go as far as he could take me, and so he did, leaving me on the furthest of the nine realms. It was there I met Revka, the soon to be king of Dresden. He had snow-white hair, a strong jaw and his eyes were the color of steel. It was raining, the wind had blown harshly on me, my lips were the color of the night sky when I entered the small pub and begged for the strongest mead they had. It was then he approached me with his fur coat, draping it around my shoulders as if we were the best of friends. He was beautiful, strong and loving; I think that’s what drew me to him. It was nice to be loved by someone who wanted to be in love, not someone who fell in love unintentionally.
I figured the best way to deal with my anger was with a sword, unaware that it was all leading up to this moment.

My intelligence in the battlefield was honored and praised, unlike in Asgard where my ideas had been cast aside since my love at the time was not a castle favorite. After only a year, Revka had asked me to be his wife, presenting me with a blood red diamond. He was the perfect opposite of Loki, but for some reason I could not snuff out the longing I had for Loki’s touch, so I hid it away and focused on becoming the greatest commander in history.

“You should probably get dressed sweetheart, the carriages are almost here” he whispers.

He runs his fingers through my hair and places a soft kiss at the nape of my neck and I smile. I’m not sure if it’s from his touch or the way I’m picturing Loki’s shocked face. I turn from the balcony and enter my room, blowing a kiss to my husband as he exits. With a sigh I half waltz to my closet and pull open the double doors, grabbing my favorite dress. It is the perfect mix of sex and power, darker than the deep sea and made of the finest lace. It is solid only from the top of my breasts to an inch above my knee, the rest is thick lace that covers my arms, dipping under my shoulders and cascades down my legs with two open slits and a two-inch train behind me.

I hear the sound of the trumpets, announcing our guest’s arrival as I’m brushing my hair for the final time. I had let it grow out, it’s nearly down to the center of my back and I used my favorite scented oil to keep it pin straight and shining like a diamond. I retouch my deep red lipstick and give one more quick glance in the mirror before I head out the door. My handmaid is waiting for me outside my doors so I wait for her to pick up the train of my dress before I begin descending down to my throne.

The rate my heart is beating makes me feel dizzy, but I hold my head up high and try not to faint with each step I take. My heels are clacking on the marble floor now, just a few more feet to go. I can see the glimmer of my silver throne, it is not a huge, geometric mess like the throne of Asgard, it is more elegant than that. I walk around the back and up the marble steps, dismissing my maid as I ascend. The plush, maroon fabric that covers the seat and back feels harsh against my lace-covered skin and the room smells of wine and freshly picked roses. I straighten my posture as I hear one of the guards speak from other side of the entrance.

“Welcome to the Palace of King Revka, ruler of Dresden” my heart is racing as he speaks.

“The Scarlett Queen welcomes you” my stomach has dropped to my knees.

The doors open, my skin is getting clammy and I have to wipe my palms on the armrests, leaving a clear streak of sweat. I’m trying hard not to shake but my blood is boiling, my nerves are shooting off like artillery fire in an air strike. My patience is wearing thin as the doors creak open, harsh light from the outside palace is streaking in, illuminating the white marble floor. I hear footsteps but the position of the sun is directly in my face from the window, making it impossible for me to see faces, all I can see is two figures. He is here and I can tell by his demeanor he cannot see my face yet, not until they close the doors fully. I watch my two guards push the doors together, my eyes flicker directly towards his pale face.

“Hello gentlemen, welcome to my kingdom” I say tilting my head with a smile.

It is an understatement to say that Loki’s jaw dropped, because from where I was sitting it looked to me like it completely unhinged and was about to hit the floor.

Chapter Text

I felt like I had been waiting for an eternity for him to speak, my muscles were stiff and rigid and the only sound came from the clattering of cups being placed on a tray by a clumsy maid bustling behind me. I tapped my nails on the armrest and crossed my leg over, giving him an ample view of my thigh. It took mere seconds for his eyes to draw to it, his pink tongue darted over his lips. They flicker towards me, I can see thoughts churning inside his head, his eyes have darkened like they used to and it brings fire to my belly. I can’t tell if I want to rip his clothes off or rip out his throat.

“My beautiful Queen, I am Lord Tregar, Asgard’s commander.” the man next to Loki says, breaking the silence.

He kneels in front of me; his armor is gold and shines brightly against the warming sun. He has a long grey beard that points near the bottom; the hair on his head has been braided behind his back, nearly shoulder length. I straighten my body and nod to him, allowing him to rise. I turn my attention back to Loki; I can finally see him now in full light. He hasn’t changed much, his skin is still as pale as the moon, his hair is a bit longer and his body more toned than before. I roll my ankle around, letting the heel click on the side of my chair to draw Loki’s attention back to my body. I can see him stiffen at the sound but he restrains himself, his arms are behind his back and I see the muscles flex every time my heel clicks against the silver throne.

“This is Prince Loki, of Asgard” Tregar clears his throat and glances at Loki. “He is the one who has sought out your army, a fine choice if I do say so myself.”

“Come forward then, Prince Loki” I make sure to drop my voice into the seductive tone he used to love.

There is a visible swallow as his adams apple bobs up and down before he beings walking towards me. You can almost see the tension surrounding us like a black hole in space, ready to swallow the whole room up. As he walks the rest of the room fades away into an eerie haze and I can’t tell if he is using his magic or if my adrenaline is playing tricks on me. I bring my hand up to signal the small maid at my side. I watch her stare at Loki as she scurries to me and holds out a round tray with three large goblets on them. I bring the cup to my lips and avert my eyes to the red liquid swishing around in the cup, I feel like my body is a hundred degrees. I see her hands start to shake as she steps backwards into the shadow, never taking her eyes of Loki.

“My..Queen” he’s stuttering.

“Yes?” I hold the cup at my side and lean back into my chair, pushing my chest out ever so slightly.

His tongue is darting around his lips again, I can see the way his face contorts that he is picturing me naked. I can’t help but smile at him, and this seems to rile him up more. He takes a knee and bows his head, there’s sweat on the back of his neck. I have to feign a cough to cover up the laugh that is trying to escape my mouth. It’s useless, honestly, because we cannot hide our true intentions from each other. I know him inside and out, and he the same. Pictures of our past keep trying to invade my mind but I push them away. I allow myself to feel the sting in my heart when I picture him with another woman, and it causes the butterflies in my stomach to die away, leaving an empty burn in their place. He stays on his knee but tilts his head up, our eyes meet and we begin our dance again.

“Dresden has done great things with your army, and we will be facing a large battle on three of the realms under our watch. It would bring us great honor to be allies with you, with our training tactics combined, we would be unstoppable.” His eyes are a vortex of jade, I have to look away to respond.

“I have” I say taking another sip of my wine.

“I’m sorry?” there is a hint of amusement in his voice, he knows too much. “Look at me.” I hear Tregar let out a little gasp, but he does nothing.

His command causes my body to involuntarily shutter; I clench my jaw and turn back to face him. A smug smile crosses his face, his eyes are sparkling now.

“fuck you” I mouth silently to him.

He smiles broader, I clench my jaw.

“I said I have. I have been the one who has commanded our army for three years.” I know what to say now and to make him pay even more for his mouth, I stand. “I have devised nearly all of our battle plans and our soldiers go through a rigorous training for six months before they are even considered.” I’m walking down the steps one at a time until I am less and a foot away, his head his level with my exposed cleavage. “My husband does a fine job leading them” I finish.

It’s miniscule, nobody would hear it even if they were cheek to cheek with him, but I do. I can almost feel his rage at that one single word, he growls deep in his throat and clenches his teeth together. His eyes dart from my chest to my face before resting at the floor, he’s balling his fists up at his side. I run my finger along his jaw line the way he used to love as I walk by him, nodding towards a very confused Tregar.

“Let us talk at the table shall we? We have prepared a beautiful lunch feast outside on the rooftop, and it’s said to be a clear day today” I’m practically singing.

I hear Loki rise and follow his accomplice; I make sure my hips swing as I practically sashay to the side door of the throne room. My stomach is turning from the wine and the proximity of Loki, his long legs always outpaced mine wherever we went. I feel him next to me, his shoulder casually bumping into mine. I feel two fingers slide down my thigh, the touch is lighter than a feather but it sends thunder crackling through my body. I brush my hand against his, digging the corner of my ring into his skin so that it breaks it.

“Shit” he mutters, pulling his hand up and glaring at me.

“I’m so sorry, I keep telling Revka to get this stone cut down.” I say apologetically as I raise my left hand and show him my wedding ring.

His eyes are on fire, he is so enthralled with my ring he nearly runs into a stone pillar. I choke on my laugh as we approach the silver platform at the very edge of the hallway. I step up onto it and turn to face the two of them, motioning them with my finger. Tregar looks at Loki with a baffled expression but Loki is too busy rubbing his cut hand and trying to kill me with his stare. They both step up at the same time; Tregar runs his hands on the etchings of the wall behind him.

“So..” he begins but we are already shooting upwards.

It’s like riding a comet, the waves of electricity that send our bodies shooting upward has always been one of my favorite technological advances here on Dresden. I can’t help but look up and wiggle my fingers, laughing lightly as we approach the roof rapidly. Tregar has his hands clutched around his stomach as if he nearly pissed himself and I don’t even have to turn Loki’s direction to know his eyes are on me. When we appear on the rooftop I hear Tregar trying to catch his breath and I turn to say something snarky to Loki about Asgard’s lack of technology but his smile stops me. It’s a true, blissful smile, the way he used to look at me when we would lay under the sun in the garden and read our favorite books to each other. A mix of anger and nostalgia wash over me, so I turn away and step off the platform.

“Sorry, I should have warned you about that. Here on Dresden we prefer to travel like you do through the Bifrost, but just well, everywhere.” I pat Tregar on his shoulder and usher him towards the dark oak table settled on the rooftop balcony.

Tregar wobbles over to a seat and grabs a large glass pitcher of water without waiting for one of the maids to help him. He pours it in a glass and drinks like had been wandering in a desert for a thousand years. The maids scurry around and begin plating food while Loki takes a seat next to Tregar. I watch as the same maid from my throne room makes her way to Loki, she places herself so that her chest hovers over his shoulder as she plates his food for him. I watch his eyes scan over her body and my chest feels like its caving in. I clear my throat as I sit opposite of both men, and both maids round the table and begin pouring water into my cup and preparing my food the way I like. After a few minutes I dismiss them, unsure if the smoldering in my stomach will allow me to eat anything.

“Now, my queen I-“ Tregar begins, but I can see his skin is till pale from the travel.

“No business yet, I’m starving. After your experience with our version of the bifrost, it seems you should probably eat before you faint” I say with a smile.

Tregar nods and beings to dig into his plate while Loki takes a strawberry and presses it to his lips. Juice dribbles down his chin as soon as he bites into it and I take my heel and kick his shin under the table, causing him to nearly choke.

“You alright?” I say tilting my head.

“Seems even your fruit here is a bit over the top” he says with a snide tone.

“Well, unlike on Asgard we try to keep unworthy trash out of our mouths” I retort as I bite into my own strawberry.

Tregar has paused in mid bite, his eyes flicker between the two of us as we stare each other down. I had no idea how I was going to bring his betrayal up; I really wanted to avoid it quite honestly. It slipped out and now there was no reeling it back. The look on his face was something unexpected; his mood has shifted from playful irritancy to outright rage. He slammed his fists on the table causing everything on it to shake.

“My prince!” exclaims Tregar.

“I apologize, the travel has made me irritable” he keeps his eyes on the table when he speaks.

I open my mouth but quickly close it; he has never used this tone before. It’s weak and quiet, the two things Loki has never been, ever. Even when I had left him, he had not run after me, he just let me leave without a care. He acted as though he merely stepped on my foot , but to me it felt like he had ripped out my heart and stomped on it until it was nothing but a crumpled pile of flesh. Feelings come shooting back to me, that night, the look on his face when I shoved him, the way he told me it was nothing more than sex. I clench my fists and squeeze my eyes shut and hope that neither of them are paying attention to me. I want to scream, or cry or flip the table over, I had buried these feelings long ago and they are now zipping around me at horrific speeds. I take a few breaths and open my eyes to see Tregar had gone back to shoveling food in his mouth and Loki was again staring at me, and for the first time in my life his eyes looked full of sorrow.

“Maybe, my prince if I may be so bold, what you need is some..company” Tregar looks at me to gage my reaction.

I snap myself back into my role; this is not uncommon for ‘company’ to be requested by high standing officers. I can’t tell if he is making a joke at Loki’s expense or if he is asking this for himself but just doesn’t have the balls to say it. I clasp my hands together and smile before I answer.

“Isn’t it a little early to speak of that?” I say forcing myself to laugh.

“I suppose it is, but I only say it, your highness, because one of your house maids seems to be smitten with our prince here.” His teeth are stained with red, and it’s then I notice he has been drinking wine instead of water. “I know maids are so below you, your highness, but I haven’t seen you take a lover in three years!” his cheeks are red and he is patting Loki’s back with his hand.

I raise my eyebrow and Loki looks furiously at Tregar. He pulls him close by his beard and glares menacingly into his eyes; I can almost see a red aura glowing off Loki. I clear my throat and motion for the two guards standing watch to come over to the table. I watch Loki and slide my hand over to the knife near his plate and pull it towards me, I don’t need a bloodstain on my table.

“Uhm, maybe you should take a nap Tregar.” I mutter through my teeth, Loki would bring a drunken moron with him so he could get all the glory of aligning us.

Loki releases his grip on Tregar as two of my men come forth and pull his shaking body up by his shoulders. I nod at them and they begin to march him off towards the mini bifrost. I see him look over his shoulder apologetically and I snarl at him. I hear Loki chuckle and I am suddenly aware that is only the two of us now. My throat is suddenly dry and I reach for my glass but Loki has already grabbed it and has begun to fill it with wine. I watch him suspiciously as he smiles and hands it back to me. I feel constricted but I want to flee, there are so many words I want to say to him, half will make him hate me and half will make him take over this table. My head is spinning and I can’t concentrate, all I know is I will not let him win. I place my wine on the table and hold my hand up, allowing the red jewel on my finger to glisten in the sunlight as I look at it.

“Now are we going to discuss what you came here for? I can give you the day to converse, but by night my husband will return and when he has been away all day training, he gets really adamant about me being naked and ready for him.” I glance at him as I play with my ring. “He likes when I start by myself and then allow him to clean up my mess before he finishes with me.”

He pulls his cup up and gulps the wine to hide his facial expression, but I can tell by how tensely he is holding onto the table with his other hand. His knuckles are turning white, he is imagining me with Revka, and it’s killing him.

Chapter Text

“Fourteen months”

“Eight months”

“Twelve”

He scoffs as he raises his glass to his lips for the umpteenth time. My legs are crossed underneath the table; the edge of my stiletto keeps knocking against his shin haphazardly. The sun has begun its retreat behind the towers; lights of my city begin to flicker on. The towers shimmer under the fading sun, it is one of the reasons I asked Revka to use the rooftop. It is my place of solitude, it is my place to entertain, it is my place to be the Scarlett Queen.

“Do you find the Asgardians in my army not equal to yours? I thought training only took six months” Loki says as he eyes me hungrily.

“Yes, my warriors only take six months. Clearly you do not find them equal either since you are asking for our help.” I retort without skipping a beat. His eyes narrow but the familiar glint they have is making my stomach churn.

“They are just as strong, if not stronger. I saw a few of your warriors, they are not giant muscled men like the stories say” Loki sets his cup down and leans his body back against the chair and smiles at me.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat, the lace of my dress has become itchy from the warmth of the day. We have been discussing our deal for hours, we sat out here so long that my maids brought us dinner and two more bottles of wine. Loki’s celestial blood allows him to drink what I can tenfold, so I choose to alternate between water and stuffing my belly full of food to counter it. I still can’t trust myself around him with my head foggy, but I can’t let him know that, he can’t reside in my head like he used to.

“I cannot control what stories are told.” I take another sip of water and uncross my legs letting the breeze roll over my warm body. “Your army may be strong but they have the combined intelligence of a carrot. That is how we differ”

Loki laughs loud enough to echo throughout the whole city, his cheeks are a tinge pink from the wine and warmth. I raise my glass to my lips to hide my smile; his happiness has always been my weakness. I look back at the glittering city; the sun has dropped so low it is just a crest of orange at the bottom of a dark sky. I hear Loki’s chair scrape against the stone and before I can turn my head he sitting in the chair next to me. My breath hitches, I can smell him.

“So, a year then?” His voice is silky as it passes through me.

“Yes” I turn to face him head on, I can’t show weakness or else he will know when to jump.

I can’t help the swarming of feelings inside me, they swirl and fight to get out, and they fight against each other. That is the problem with true love; it will never die out like lust or infatuation. Love is stuck to you eternally, even when you think it has left; it comes out from its hiding places and blows you away with its strength. I straighten my back and try to think of something else to say but my mind seems to be on pause, it’s frozen and I can’t seem to find the play button.

“I miss the way you smell, Kitten” Loki runs his hand down my cheek.

Without a word I push my chair back, rise swiftly, and walk towards the edge of the balcony. I place my hands on the railing and try to control my breathing; I’m warm all over despite the cool night. I realize Revka isn’t home yet and my heart twists, it is unlike me to spend a whole day without him in my mind. I can’t help but feel like I’m cheating on him and my heart breaks a little more. I take another deep breath and focus on the skyline, the rustling of the trees, and the smell of foreboding rain. I focus on anything that is not my former prince behind me.

I hear his footsteps coming towards me and my hands involuntarily grip the stone railing. I see his lithe body slide beside me from the corner of my eye and I’ve got the urge to claim his lips before I push him over the edge of the roof.

“We never finished our conversation” He says softly.

“You stopped acting like a prince, so I left you to collect yourself. Are you ready to speak like a grown up or do you still wish to toy with me?” My sharp tongue has thankfully returned.

He seems startled by my words but he says nothing. His hands run along the railing, the wind kisses his head, his raven locks flow back from his face as his eyes scan over me again. My ability to see his thoughts have long vanished, but I can tell by the way he stares he is fighting an inner battle of some sort. He steps towards me again but I do not sink, I stand tall against him. We stand there, in the silence, staring each other down, waiting for the other to break. He wants to kiss me, I don’t know if I’d push him away. My stomach tightens as a crack of thunder breaks through the sky, a blinding white light slits the air and illuminate us. Rain starts to pelt all around us, thick drops hit my face and open skin, it feels like heaven against my heated skin.

“Darling, there you are. Why are you standing out here in the rain?” I turn to face Revka. It’s then I notice Loki’s hand has found mine on the railing.

I turn to him, elated and spring into his arms. His hair is a mess and there is mud caked over his boots, but he lifts me into his arms anyways and squeezes me. For a moment I find peace in his arms, it’s a vacation from the torment Loki brings me. I smile into him before releasing my hold on him and pull my face away so I can see him. His grey eyes shine with happiness when they meet my own, even the dirt on his eyebrows doesn’t take away his natural, masculine beauty.

“Now sweetheart, we can’t ignore our guest here” He says setting me on my feet. “Let’s all go inside and get away from this storm.” Revka nods at Loki with a smile but his eyes mask a thought I cannot read and my stomach drops to the floor.

-------

I want to drown, not to die, but just to be alone without thoughts if only for a moment. As soon as we reached the inside of the palace Loki was suddenly exhausted and wished to continue our discussion tomorrow. I tried to protest, saying we only offered our home to him for one night but Revka cut me off. I was surprised he didn’t offer him our bed; he was like a child having a sleepover with his best friend. It was as if he wanted Loki in the palace, it wasn’t like Revka to show off. The thought makes me smile; he wants Loki to know what he has lost.

It had taken nearly six months after we wed for me to finally break down and tell him about Loki. When we had met, I had just told him someone broke my heart, but never divulged it happened to be the great god of mischief. When I replayed everything that happened in my head, it sounded pathetic, and I did not want to be known for that. The moment I opened up the floodgates, Revka had been gentle and comforting. He never made me feel like an idiot for loving a man so well known for selfishness; he stroked my hair and allowed the tears to fall without judgment. It wasn’t till months later he told me that he already knew what had happened, apparently gossip spreads faster than good news in the realms. Another reason I never allow people outside of Dresden to know my name, I never wanted my old life and new to collide.

Yet here I was, submerged in my bathtub, hiding under rose scented bubbles, wishing I could disappear all together. I may have jumped the gun on wanting to show Loki what became of me; I hadn’t really thought it through. I also figured Revka would want to stand at my side considering our past, but he had entrusted me fully and now I felt like I had broken that trust. I feel like I’m on a ledge constantly teetering between forgiveness and vengeance. I thought devoting myself to being a honorable leader in battle would help me move on, but apparently it just masked my true nature of avoidance. I let out a heavy sigh and sink deeper into my bathtub so only my nose and above are visible. The pink tinted bubbles are overflowing on the tile, but I can’t find it in me to give a fuck. I hear the door open and I assume it is Revka, if it’s not then at least I’ll have a reason to punch him in the face.

“So how did everything go today?” his voice is soothing and my muscles instantly relax.

“Without incident, except for that man they consider their general or whatever he is.” I say as I close my eyes again.

His strong hands find their way to my shoulders and he begins to massage my neck and shoulders, rubbing deeply into my tight muscles. I can’t help but sigh and rise from the water so I can lean my head back against the cold rim of the tub. I keep my eyes closed as his hands knead my sore muscles, the stress of today finally dissipating with his affection.

“Yes, I hear he is the only man who does not fear Loki, though his vice seems to be any open bottle of liquor” Revka says with a laugh. “It makes sense though; Loki truly is a good strategist.”

“What do you mean?” my voice is low and I’m suddenly finding it hard to hear his name.

“Well I’m presuming Loki is the one who found out about Tregar’s secret, which is why he allowed Odin to appoint him as second in command. He may not fear Loki but if he is too drunk to argue with him, it’s the same as him being feared” Revka’s hands being to dip lower, passing my collarbone and dipping into the water.

I squirm under his touch, a familiar heat rises between my legs and I arch myself into him. His skilled fingers roam over the top of my breasts; my skin is tingling with need. His hands finally find my nipples and a wanton moan escapes my lips, he’s pulling and pinching them in the most perfect way. He pulls them forward while biting the tender skin behind my ear, my brain is clouded but a bright red realization hits me at the same time my orgasm does. Revka does not know that move, it’s Loki’s.

I slam my head back, colliding with Loki’s nose so hard it makes my vision blur. He doesn’t yell but he stumbles backwards as he stands, I can hear him seething and cursing under his breath. I fight the numbness in my legs and stand up, gripping my robe from the floor and quickly wrap it around my body. I can’t see straight but I don’t know if it’s from my rage or the concussion I must have given myself. The next thing I know I’m straddling him and my fists are connecting with his face. My knuckles hit something hard, his cheekbone? Either way I feel the skin break and his hands fly to my wrists and he pulls me off of him. I suddenly can’t breathe, spots of light are dancing before my eyes and my body feels like its tingling and breaking into a thousand pieces, and then the lights disappear all together.

Chapter Text

My head feels like it weighs a hundred tons and the back of my skull is pounding in unison with the throbbing lights above me. I can’t tell if my eyes are open, is that what those blinding lights are? Darkness takes over me again and a flash of pains seers through my entire body, okay so eyes open it is. I hear voices, I think they’re voices? They’re muffled; they sound more like little bugs zooming around my head. I force myself to blink so that the halo of lights becomes the chandelier above my bed and I feel less scared. The hollowed sounds are starting to form words; I think I hear my name being called? Who is that? Loki?

Loki.

Anger flares up; if I were a cartoon character I would have flames shooting out of my ears right now. I remember everything, the bathtub, his hands and lips on my body, making me cum against my will. I try to open my mouth to speak but all that comes out is a strangled cough, my throat is so dry and I can’t seem to sit up. My back feels stiff and constricted but I force myself up anyway. I grip the silk sheets at my waist and try to steady myself, I have to squeeze my eyes shut to stop the room from spinning, the bile in my stomach is rising and it takes all my strength not to throw up.

“My love” Revka is wrapping his arms around me and placing kisses on my forehead.

Does he know? Where was he when all this was happening? Is this actually Revka or is Loki playing his tricks again. My eyes shoot open and I see a semi blurry figure leaning against the furthest wall across from the bed. I blink a few more times and his figure sharpens, his raven hair slicked back against his neck, his face has no bruises or scrapes but I know I hit him. Didn’t it? His long arms are crossed over his chest while he leans on one foot, the other crossed over his ankle, and he looks bored. I grit my teeth and turn my head into Revka’s neck; he’s warm and smells lightly of leather and dirt.

“Careful now my darling, you hit your head pretty hard and I don’t want you to hurt yourself more” Revka’s voice has an edge to it that I barely recognize.

“Oh..” I want to tell him, I should tell him.

All I can think about is what Loki has told him, if anything. I can’t imagine him having the balls to tell Revka the truth. Is he testing me to see if I do? I pull the sheets up to my chest and keep my nose cradled in Revka’s neck. I want to cry and scream and rip Loki’s throat out with my bare hands. I pray Revka tells me what happened so I don’t have to utter the words from my mouth. The constant replay has me feeling violated and dirty, like I have become his plaything again. I often wondered if that’s all I was to him, if his love was just another smoke screen to keep me as his and only his.

“Loki and I were walking back from the training grounds when I heard you scream and I found you on the tile with your head bleeding. The bathroom tile seemed to have cut your knuckles too. What startled you so much that you would be so clumsy? That is not like you, my queen” Revka’s voice is soft but strained.

I swallow hard as he pulls my cut knuckles up to his soft lips. I feel Loki’s stare boring into me, that bastard planned everything too well. This was a test, he’s playing Revka and I like puppets on a string. Well I will not dance for him, if I tell Revka I want him dead he will kill him for me without hesitation. That is the benefit of having zero alliances; you are loyal to no one. I pull myself from his grasp and pull his face close to mine, his grey eyes look tired and he still has some dirt around his hairline. I can’t help but smile at him as our noses bump into each other, his scent is intoxicating and the rest of the world is falling away. All but the lean figure leaning against the wall, I can’t seem to ignore him.

“So what startled you?” Revka abruptly interrupts our bliss and pulls his face back.

I search his eyes while trying to hide all the emotions that are trying to tumble out of me. I think I hear Loki snicker but I refuse to look his direction. Revka has to know; why else would he allow Loki to stay in our room? Or is the prince of trickery using his magic again, is he actually here? Is that how he was with Revka and me at the same time? Likely, that fucker doesn’t do anything without an alibi. I can’t ever tell anymore, what’s real and what’s not has mixed and melded together so intricately that I feel there is no difference. What was meant to be a power play has turned horribly wrong in the worst way. How could I have been so naïve to think that Loki would crumble before me? Or did I still believe I was nothing more than a source of entertainment to him, but seeing me powerful would make him beg for my affection? Once again, he has made me the fool but this time the stakes are much higher.

Everything I have ever worked for, the marriage and love I have developed with Revka, my army, my family, my life. In this moment they are all floating above a dangerous sea and it it’s now I realize how fragile they have become. I open my mouth to speak but I’m mute, Revka is waiting for me to seal our fate. All I want to do is crawl under my covers and never come out; I’d gladly take a life of darkness over this twisted reality.

“If Loki has done something to you, please tell me. I know he has many tricks..” His eyes have softened and his hands rise to cup my face. “Please, my sweet love, do not fear me in this moment.”

“I never fear you, my king” My heart is beating too fast.

“You fear something, I can see it. I know your eyes. You can’t hide much from me” his eyes crinkle with his lopsided smile.

“You are too perfect” I whisper as my lips crash into his.

I mean it, he is perfect treatment of me is too much sometimes. He loves me and I’m afraid his love doubles mine for him and that hurts worse than anything Loki could ever do to me. His name has been a pattern in my mind for these last few years, even when I was on the precipice of pure bliss his name floats in the back of my mind like a ghost. He was never lost to me and he knows it, he has won again and for that I hate myself. I hate that I brought him back into my world, our world. As my tongue swirls around Revka’s I can’t help but feel broken and numb. Why am I thinking of him still?
I part our lips with a sigh, his hands are still cupping my face but the room feels empty. I turn to where Loki was standing but he has gone. This whole scenario feels like a dream, or a nightmare. Either way I am trapped against my will and I’m slowly loosing the energy to fight. I forget what I am fighting for and what I am fighting against, what was once a battle against a former lover has turned into a battle against myself. Was this war always waging? Probably, my ability to duck and weave to avoid decisions has led me in full circle back to this question I had avoided years and years ago. Do I forgive him?

“Sweetheart?” Revka’s voice now seems pained.

I look back up at his long lashes framing his deep-set eyes; they bore into me like fire to wood. I can feel him getting more on edge and I want to stop it all. If I could freeze the entire world for a moment, what would I be seeing? A woman torn between perfection and deception, a woman who has been given everything she has ever dreamed of but still can’t seem to find exact happiness. Was I a terrible person in another life? Is this karma for something someone in my bloodline had done centuries ago? I am cursed with a heart that refuses to decipher between old feelings and new love. Any decision I make will hurt Revka, even choosing him will hurt because there should not have been another option at all.

“Loki..” Once I speak there is no going back.

“Did he hurt you?” He is running his fingers along my cheeks.

I can’t take this anymore, Revka can’t either and between the two of us I am the only one that deserves it. I need to tell him the truth, he is my love and I can’t hurt him any longer.

“I had a nightmare, and he was hurting me in it, I must have woken up fighting and slipped”

Revka’s eyes widen and he pulls me into his embrace, his arms wrap tightly around me and he exhales deeply. I am frozen in this moment again, what happened? What was that, what the fuck was that, did that really come from my mouth? This must be a nightmare; it must be Loki putting words in my mouth.

“I feared my trust in him was the wrong decision, I fear he-” his voice is cracking at the same rate my heart is. “I am so happy you are okay and he has not tried to do anything to harm you.” He hugs me tighter and lays me back down on the bed, showering me with kisses along my neck, face and shoulders.

I try and sink into his warmth but my soul feels like its being crushed. Part of me hopes once Revka is out of the way the silver chandelier comes crashing down onto my body and put an end to this circle of misery I have created. My head is beginning to pound again, maybe I have an aneurism that is ready to blow, but I know I’m not that lucky.

“You need to rest, but did you come to an agreement on anything? I don’t want them staying in the palace longer than necessary..” Revka says giving me one last kiss on the lips.

“Tiring of their company already?” I try to focus on his smile it always seems brings me comfort.

“I try not to be a selfish man, but I have come to realize I do not like sharing my wife” he laughs as he says this and now his smile is causing the my heart to twist in on itself.

I wrap my arms around him again and hold him close; I don’t want him to leave. I want to stay wrapped in this bubble and never leave. Alone in our room with just each other, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, I can ignore it and just be in the bliss he brings me. He helps me forget and that’s all I want.

“Don’t leave; just lie in bed with me all day. I’m sure there are ways you can make my headache better” I drop my voice and nibble on his earlobe.

I feel his hips roll into mine for a few moments but he pulls away and gives me a stern look. I put on my best pout but this just makes him laugh again. For a few moments I did forget, all that surrounded me was his pale skin and soft hair falling framing his face and tickling mine. The warmth of his body hovering over me like a shield, the butterflies in my belly from his laugh echoing in my ears, I love him I know I do. The bed creaks as he rolls off and stands beside me, I turn to follow his body, wincing at the pain that shoots down my back from the movement.

“You are not well yet darling, please rest one more day.” He bends forward to place his lips on my head.

“Will you speak to Cantinion and ask his thoughts on training the Asgardians?” I bite my lip and hope he doesn’t ask why I seek another opinion.

“Are you still unsure?” He shifts his weight awkwardly while he speaks.

Unsure was probably the most accurate representation of my world right now. Unsure if I want to submit myself to seeing Loki, unsure if I want to stab his eyeballs with a fork..

“I’m a little biased and I don’t want to make the wrong decision. This decision will affect everyone”.

Understatement of the fucking year.

“Of course darling, we can discuss it later tonight when you’re feeling better.” Another kiss to my forehead, lips, and nose. “Sleep.” He whispers and turns on his heel towards the door.

My eyes are still closed; I’m trying to keep the feeling of his kiss for as long as possible. I pull the covers up to my chin and sink lower into the bed; I don’t want to think about anything. I want someone to come in and make all my decisions for me so I can lie in bed naked with chocolate and wine like most other queens do. What a simpler life, if I were to have chosen that type of ruling. To just lie in wait for my husband to return, but that is what I did with Loki and look how that turned out.

“You never laid in bed naked with wine.” His voice cuts through my thoughts.

“Get the fuck out of my head. And my room” I don’t have to open my eyes to know he is standing against the wall with a snarly grin, waiting to tear into me about how I had lied to my husband.

That aneurism would probably feel pretty great right about now.

Chapter Text

I keep running my fingers up and down the comforter; the fabric feels cold against my agitated hands. I’m trying to force my body deeper into the mattress hoping that the silk sheets just swallow me up into the depths of emptiness. I can feel Loki’s gaze on me, it’s engulfing me, and trying to break me open. Well I will not stand for it; I will not be broken again. I hear his boots click on the marble; he is purposely making as much noise as he can so I know he is there. Traditional, boring really, his tactics haven’t changed much. At least one of us grew during our separation.

“So is that what a healthy marriage looks like? A loving man doting on his lying wife” his words hit me hard and I shoot up instantly.

I wince at the pounding that returns to my head but I keep myself upright and facing his direction. He’s sitting leisurely on the couch at the foot of our bed, his profile faces me and he is twirling an apple in his hand. The crunch of his teeth hitting the fruit makes me cringe, the room is full of silence and his every move vibrates louder than it should.

“I only lied because I wished to save him the humiliation you have brought upon this kingdom.” I snap, throwing the covers off me in a fit of rage.

“I’m the embarrassment? He is the fool! He allows his wife’s lover into his palace and can’t see through a simple illusion? Ha, what kind of king is that” he snarls and takes another bite into the apple.

“Ex-lover you pompous ass, and how would you know what a king should be since you will never be one” I hiss. He stops with his mouth half open and turns his head to face me with his eyes blazing. His jaw tightens before he starts to speak but I cut him off. “Revka is no fool; he knows my story and knows what you have done. Trust is not a fault or weakness, Loki. Especially since he has the intelligence not to act like an entitled brat and piss people off intentionally. You have a line of enemies out of your own doing, nobody was born with anger towards you, and all of that negativity cast upon you was by your own actions. If you still cannot see that then you are the fool, Loki.”

Eerie tension snaps and crackles in the room. When I look back up at his face his eyes are downcast, he looks sullen and defeated. Truth has always been Loki’s downfall, he loves to twist and wind around it as much as he can but when he is faced with the naked, raw truth he runs like a mouse from a cat. I crumple the sheets in my fingers uncomfortably, my eyes can’t find a focal point and I really don’t want to look at his face. I never lied to Loki but I never spoke so harshly to him other than when I had left him. I can’t fathom what he is thinking right now but I don’t care anymore either. He shifts his gaze back up to me and tosses the apple up and down as he speaks.

“If he knows then he is not the man for you, he should fight for what is his. I would never let another man near you; much less touch your naked body. I would have slit his throat before he made it ten feet in front of you. You belong with me” His voice has lost its playfulness; it’s much deeper and serious.

I feel like he is baiting me, it is not like him to put his own actions in the spotlight to be judged; especially when we both know full well what he has said is beyond hypocrisy. I have never expressed my emotions about our parting to him, I used to think of what I would say all the time but it soon faded when other responsibilities began piling on. My throat feels like it’s getting dry the more I think about that night, the flashes of anger and betrayal that come barreling into my chest are making it hard to breathe. Before I can stop myself I split myself open and leave myself vulnerable.

“Who are you to speak of fighting for a woman, for me? You watched me walk away and said nothing. You barely acknowledged what you did for what it was, you had an affair with another woman!” my hands are beginning to shake. “And you say it was just for sex, as if that makes it better! Would you have fallen in love..that would have been easier, easier to understand, easier to move on! What do I have to say to make you realize you cannot just come in here and expect me to fall into your arms!” I feel like my heart is being torn in half all over again.

“I regre-“

“Silence!” I scream so loud it feels as though the world shook.

There is boom that makes the world shake and both of our heads snap to the window. I see smoke, the bed shakes again, so I scramble out of bed nearly tripping over my robe and fling the doors open to my deck. I can see a billow of smoke circling the dark forest, there is a glob of black and grey marching towards it with red flags flying in the front and back of the formation. Someone is attacking us and Revka has gone down without me. I panic and feel dazed when I turn and run back into my room to find my armor. I’m flinging clothes left and right until I see the glimmer of my amour on the far wall of my walk-in, I forgot Revka had hung it up after the last time I had to use it. We haven’t had to defend our land in three years, which means who ever Asgard wanted to attack beat them to the punch.

“Who did you anger?” I scream while throwing my robe off and grabbing my under armor.

“What are you doing, your head injury hasn’t even healed fully” Loki says while pacing behind me.

“Yes and whose fault is it that I even have a head wound?” I growl.

I pull my under armor on, it is a thin layer of dragons hide that covers my chest and abdomen with separate flexible shorts. It’s a bit warm but it protects me from almost every kind of weapon. I strap both thigh holsters on and slide my blades into them before throwing my scarlet colored dress over my head. I used to think it was stupid for women to fight in short dresses, but after a few battles I realized the freedom to choke men with my legs or kick them high in the throat works better without the constraint of fabric. I hear someone else run into the room just as I settle my breastplate in and strap on my boots, it is Keftel our advisor.

“The King has told me not to let you out, you are still healing!” he says through ragged breathes.

“Do you wish to fight me Keftel, because my death will be the only thing stopping me from helping my husband and my people.” I say and push past him.

I see Loki standing by the door looking a bit indecisive and angry. I grip on the ring that extends over my nail on my forefinger. Made from a dragon’s claw, it is sharp enough to slice through three inches of marble, so I will have no problem getting through to Loki. I narrow my eyes and jump at Loki, wrapping my hand in his hair so I can yank him down to my level. He isn’t surprised when I jump at him, what surprises him is my speed and ability to dodge his hands. He raises his eyebrows when I bring my weapon to his neck and press down on his pulse point, I’m in battle mode and there is no reasoning with a dragon.

“Tell me who the fuck is putting my people in danger.” My face is inches from his. “Or I will bleed you dry.”

“Why don’t we go down and see. After all, I told you we would be fighting on three realms.” His playful tone is back, it’s intoxicatingly annoying.

I throw him to the side and he trips over himself and crashes into Keftel. I hear their shouts but I’m already running down the spiral stairs to the armory. Loki appears in front of me and slam into him, he wraps his arms around me tight and then we are in the armory. It takes me a moment for my eyes to focus, I can smell his armor and it sends a tidal wave of nostalgia.

Why am I letting him hold me?

I push him off and grab my sword from the wall and my heart wretches, the spot next to it is empty, Revka’s sword is gone. I swallow hard and push my feelings down, I can’t think of such things right now. I head towards the arch that leads to the side of the palace, once I am out in the sun I listen for the sounds of my warriors. The fire that the enemy had started has been snuffed out, the smell of smoke is faint but all around me so I can’t pinpoint the battle. Loki stops behind me and points to my right, motioning for me to move. I’m uneasy trusting him but I have no other option, so I sprint forward. I hear Loki mutter something but in a flash he is by my side, we are running like a pair of deer towards the onward sounds of crashing metal. The smell of blood is heavy in the air as we draw near the further side of the forest.

There is a familiar whirling sound and a blur of metal and wood brushes past me, I dodge it just enough so it grazes my jaw. My eyes water at the sudden cut of flesh but I keep going. More arrows come for us and we are running in a zigzag pattern but thankfully the arrows are scarce and spread out. The forest is fast approaching us, thick midnight colored trunks shoot up from the ground and the sound of fighting is growing louder. I see five grayish colored creatures with thick snouts and black eyes holding bows pointed directly at us. They look out of breathe and I assume they were the few that escaped from the forest. It is a battle tactic I came up with, to push our enemy into the depths of the forest. Then they separate and then the individual soldier can chose their own method of killing, it is one of their favorite I have come up with.

Loki and I look at each other with brief understanding and then we separate. He runs in front of me while I run towards the one on the furthest left side, close to the road that leads to the city. I watch him multiply into four causing them to point their bows at him and his clones. By the time the snouted blob realizes I am there it is already too late; I bend my knees and jump at his throat. I wrap my fingers around his chubby neck and dig my dragon claw into the side, when I release him he is just a lump bleeding into the grass. Adrenaline shoots through my veins, I feel myself glowing in the heat of battle. I smile as I run towards the next one; he heard the scream of his friend and has already begun shooting arrows at me. I jump and roll in the grass as one lands in the dirt an inch from my face, I am about to roll to my feet when I see another blob falling from the branches above me. Instinctively my leg swings up and the heel of my boot hits his stomach. I allow my knee to bend with his weight; there is a whirling of wind and then an arrow is stuck square in his forehead.

“Moron” I mutter before kick his body off my leg.

“Have you always been able to do that?” Loki’s voice is soft and ragged as he approaches me with his hand out.

I look up at his extended hand but push it away, opting to roll on my stomach and rise to my feet by myself. I look at the slain creatures and crinkle my nose; they smell like they rolled around in horse crap. My gaze catches Loki’s and for a second I am captivated, sweat brims his forehead and neck and his chest is rising and falling rapidly with his increased heart rate. The familiarity of it all is what always draws me back in; I have seen him look similar on many occasions. I remind myself that the other woman has seen him this way too and then the spell is broken. I turn to the forest and run into the thick trees, following the sounds of clanking metal. I know Loki can keep up with my pace so I give him no direction as I dart and weave through trees and bushes, even though it is barely dusk the forest is almost pitch black.

When we arrive at the clearing in the center of the forest there is already a small camp set up. Three large grey tents have been erected in a row in the middle along of the clearing with a small fire enchanted by our sorcerers so it is smokeless and scentless. I wipe the sweat from my brow and look at the few men seated in the medical tent; they barely look injured. Most of them are probably just suffering from dehydration. I scan the crowd, see Revka’s stark white hair, and run towards him, embracing him from behind.

“I figured you wouldn’t listen to Keftel” he says with a hearty laugh.

“Is this battle going to last this long? Was it necessary to set up tents?” I ask looking around the camp again.

“Not really, but these imps aren’t much of a challenge. I saw it more as a training opportunity, so anyone who gets tired can rest then go back in. They aren’t a real threat other than the arrows.” He turns and places a kiss on my lips. “There was talk of two an assassins hidden in their ranks but we have yet to see any sign of actual danger.” He glances at Loki behind my shoulder and his eyes darken with anger.

“I assume this is your doing?” he jabs his thumb behind him, pointing towards the rattling sounds coming from the forest. “How did they know you were here?”

“How should I know?” Loki says irritated.

Revka opens his mouth to respond but a rustling from the bush distracts all of us. There is a piercing noise that sounds similar to an arrow but much louder, Revka draws his sword and lunges towards the rustling plant and then there is a blur of light. I feel myself being pushed backwards and my head hits the ground, sending a searing pain through my entire skull. When I open my eyes I see Loki’s figure in front of me with his hands behind him, shielding me. I ignore the pain in my head and scramble to my feet and push him aside, there is a long tunnel dug into the top of the dirt that stops at his feet. Revka is holding Tregar down with his foot on his back and his sword at his throat. Revka is glaring at Loki whom is glaring at Tregar and I suddenly feel nauseous.

“I knew my father made a mistake appointing you.” The anger that drips from his voice is on another level. “Nobody fucking listens to me” I hear him mutter under his breath before he walks towards Tregar.

“What is that?” I ask pointing to a wooden staff a few feet from Tregar’s hand.

Tregar winces when Revka pushes his sword further into his throat. I have never seen Revka so angry before but I can’t tell if he’s mad at Loki for saving me or if he’s mad at himself for not catching Tregar in time. Both of them are still staring at each other and seemed to have ignored my question so I walk silently towards the staff and pick it up. There is a yellow gem at the top but it looks like a blind elf crafted it with a butter knife on his deathbed. There are cracks running up and down the sides, a cheap knock off of a sorcerer’s wand.

“You’re still in love with her aren’t you?” Revka’s voice breaks through the silence.

A few soldiers watching from the tents walk up towards us, circling Loki from behind. He laughs lowly to himself and looks at them, with one flick of his hand they fly backwards into the ground. Revka goes to move but then remembers Tregar and chooses to push his foot deeper into Tregar’s back. Revka grinds his teeth then grins, baring them like a wild animal.

“I don’t think now is the time to talk about this” I interject. Again, both of them ignore me and I snap the makeshift wand in half in annoyance. “Revka, please!”

“You are the one who decided to stomp forward like a mindless brut and ignore the probability of an attack before you reached their hiding spot” Loki snaps, bringing his hands behind his back and straightening his stance.

He struts towards Revka and stops two inches from his face. Fuck this is not good. Do I need to jump in the air for them to notice me? Do a dance, a cartwheel? Only these two would chose the middle of a battle to have their pointless squabble. Revka never lets anything get to him, he knows I am his, he knew who Loki was before. If it was going to bother him then why did he allow this whole ordeal to even happen? They both stand in angered silence and my own battle begins again. Wave after wave of crippling fear hits me, I am not afraid of them, I am afraid of my inability to decipher what I want. If I had truly been over Loki then I would have not needed to show him what he threw away, right? I have ignored his advances but I haven’t said anything either and I have no idea what that means, what any of this means. It should have never been an option to choose anyone but Revka, but Loki has come and fucked everything up again as he always does.

I open my mouth to protest this argument again but a shadow popping out suddenly distracts me. The world becomes slow motion, his hands fly out and two huge daggers shoot like cannons, soaring towards Revka and Loki. My planning is rapid and dangerous; I have three seconds to move. I can’t save both of them; of all the chances in the world it has come down to this. Chance and choice, please dear god let him move out of the way in time. I’m so fucking sorry, please dear god just fucking move in time. I shout at both of them and then dive towards his body, knocking him down by his shoulders so that my own body flies high in the air. Then there is a sharp pain in my ribs and I try to inhale but I can’t, I feel a burning sensation engulf my side. I see dust fly up as my body hits the dirt below, someone is screaming, I think it’s me.

Chapter Text

Whoever said your life flashes before your eyes was full of shit. Nothing flashed at me other than the dagger, no fond memories came racing back to me. All I saw was Revka’s grey eyes widen as I shoved him to the ground. I felt Loki’s cape hit my ankle as I was descending to the ground so he must have been able to move. Right? I can hear myself wheezing as I try to fill my lungs with air but it feels like I’m inhaling fire. The dust is starting to settle around me and that’s when I catch his eyes, the slice of the knife has dulled their usual playfulness. I can smell the blood around me, mine and Loki’s. It’s pooling around his chest and mine is cascading down me like a waterfall from the gash in my ribs. His head is lying on his arm, dirt covering his face and hand while is other is extended toward me. I squint and try to find the source of his injury but there is so much red everywhere I can’t tell.

There is stomping and shattered voices all around us. I hear someone calling the medic but I don’t think it will help any. I hear someone scream about seeing bones and I have a feeling they are talking about me. My sight is getting blurry around the edges so I focus on Loki’s face as we lay in the dirt waiting for death to take us. I try to swallow but my mouth is dry and now there is a soft pulsation thumping through my ears and head. The blood loss is starting to make me dizzy and panicked. Now the slow motion has begun, everyone moving around us has turned into blurred outlines of panicked people. I hear Revka’s voice crack but he sounds far away, he’s angry and scared. Something he is not well equipped to deal with.

I force myself to blink and Loki’s chest heaves; it’s then that I see the giant gash. It cut through his armor, the layers of muscle and skin all the way down to the bone. I can see the white of his chest poking out between gushes of dark blood. I notice his hand waving near me; his pale fingers look a shade lighter than the moon. I watch his face twist in anguish while raising each shaking finger above the ground just to let them fall again. He’s reaching for me. Without thinking I extend my hand towards him, the tear in my side sends blinding pain through my whole body. I open my mouth to scream but I cough instead from the dryness which extends the brutal burning even longer. I hear someone say my name as the world tilts, but I use my strength to grab Loki’s hand anyways. Our fingers touch lightly as my arm is much shorter than his is, but our skin connects. His lip curls upward into the smallest fragment of a smile that is all too familiar.

I watch the paintings of the royal bloodline blend together along the walls as my boots echo my hastened steps. I have to skid to the side to avoid running over a maid who gives me an angry look which I meet with an apologetic smile. I turn down a random corridor and find myself met with a spiral staircase. Exploring the castle has become my new favorite hobby since Loki began requesting my company. I dart up the stairs two at a time until my chest feels like it’s going to implode. So I stop and sink to my knees, turning my body to lay down my back against the rough stone and allow my breath to return to me.

“Found you” I hear him whisper.

“How the hell do you do that?” I ask exasperated.

“I’ve been stuck in this castle for a long time Kitten.” Loki says with a laugh and sits down next to me. “That doesn’t look comfortable, come up here” his hands encircle my wrists before I can respond.

I allow him to pull me onto his lap, my legs resting on one side of his with my arms on his shoulders. This is the closest he has ever had me, and we have been budding our friendship for weeks now. We sit staring at each other and his eyes jump down to my lips every so often. There is a comfortable silence here, alone in a forgotten stairwell leading up to who knows where. Suddenly he smiles, just a short kind of lopsided grin that makes his eyes light up, so I smile back at him.

“Do you know where this leads?” He asks me pointing up the stairs. I shake my head and his grin widens. “Let me show you.”

“Honey, oh my god please talk to me.” Revka’s voice vibrates and the memory fades. I turn to face him and I feel Loki grip onto one of my fingers. “Why did you do that? Who knows what that blade had on it.”

I can’t respond, it’s as if my mind has been wiped of any language to speak. I wince and pull away instinctually when I feel someone dabbing at my wound. I hear a drum beating but then I realize it is Revka walking somewhere, now he’s screaming at something or someone. The dabbing continues with gauze padding but now someone is pouring something cold and acid like on me. I open my mouth to scream but I suck air instead.

“I’m so sorry but we need to clean this incase dirt got in” someone says to me as they continue their assault on my skin.

I bite my bottom lip and squeeze my eyes shut each time the liquid singes my open wound. It feels like a thousand tiny daggers are stabbing me, just light enough to break the skin but over and over in the same spot. My legs curl up towards my stomach but someone pulls them down again and murmurs apologies. I hear Revka shouting again and this time I hear something about moving me and how they can’t but I don’t hear the reason. Another pain is scorching my skin and it makes my muscles lock up all at once. This coupled with the burn of the disinfectant makes the world spin rapidly and nausea sweeps over me.

Loki’s finger taps against my palm and I force my eyes open. He blinks and pulls his body forward half an inch so that he can reach my whole hand. I hear him groan in pain, his skin is stark white now and he has stopped bleeding. He should have been able to heal himself from a cut like that. I have seen him endure worse and he has continued fighting like it was a scratch from a tree branch. Why is nobody helping him? I lift my head up slightly but it just falls back to the ground and Loki gives me a look I could have read from a thousand miles away, and I keep my head down. His fingers entwine with mine and my muscles start to relax one by one.

His fingers are still linked with mine when we reach the circular latch on the ceiling above the end of the staircase. He looks back and winks at me before pulling the chain lever allowing the wooden door unfold into a smaller staircase. I can feel the wind from outside flowing through the hole in the ceiling; the night sky is bright with stars. We walk up hand in hand out into the moonlight. I gasp at the sight; the open terrace has a breathtaking view of Asgard. I can see the water sparkling, small waves sending ripples in the dark sea, there are no clouds to block the beauty of the moon and it illuminates the whole city. Loki motions me forward and I follow until he stops at the edge of the terrace.

“This is one of my favorite hiding spots,” he says breathlessly.

I watch him as the wind blows his hair back and his eyes close. He looks majestic and peaceful for once, his skin glows with the city and he looks beautiful when he feels free. He pivots to face me and pulls my torso so I am flush against him. I try to look down but his finger cups my chip and pulls my face up. My stomach is knots, I feel my cheeks getting hot and part of me wants to run. Whispers around the castle have come to full-blown warnings of getting involved with him and I never understood how a woman would put herself in a position to be used. Now here I am, waiting for him to kiss me so I can fall under his spell.

Fuck that.

I wrap my hands in his hair and pull him downward so his lips crash into mine.

There is a jolt of heat and I hear skin spitting, it pulls the air from my already damaged lungs and I almost lose consciousness. Loki jerks a second after I do and his wound reopens, spilling blood quickly onto his already crimson-caked clothes. I feel my body tense and release rapidly as more blood flows downward. It feels like a thousand icicles have enclosed me in a tight hug, my hands and legs are convulsing as more blood exits my body.

“Shit shit it was fucking cursed shit!” more shouting, more stomping, more fading. Loki squeezes my hand again; he’s grunting and pulling my arm towards him. He encircles my wrist with his hand and clamps down on it, his legs are kicking and squirming in odd patterns and mine have stopped. I lock eyes with him again and then it clicks in my head.

His tongue is running down the sensitive spot on my neck and I stifle a giggle.

“Shh kitten, don’t want to disrupt the king and his speech” he murmurs nipping at the nape of my neck.

I shiver when his hands rub up and down my sides as Odin is rambling on in the next room to a large crowd. His talented hands run down my skirt and hike it upwards so that my skin is exposed. A gasp escapes my throat but his tongue invading my mouth cuts me off, lapping and caressing my tongue with his. His hips grind into me and I feel his bulge pressing into my belly.

“We are in public Loki!” I say in the middle of pants and moans.

“Shhh!” he pulls my hair to crane my neck and lather it with open mouthed kisses. “I love you” he hisses while his fingers rub up and down my slit.

“I love you too” I whisper. His mouth meets mine again and we are melting into each other. The walls fall down around us and all I can focus on is the feeling of him inside me, surrounding me, loving me.

He sees it too, the way his mouth is hanging open slightly, I can feel his heartbeat through his palm. I can’t tell if he’s sharing his memories or if our situation is pulling down the barriers I held up so this would never happen. I remember it all; I can feel the way I felt when we first kissed, the electricity that buzzed around me for days. Three words changed everything, five years we spent enveloped in bliss, he was my world and I was his. He’s lying in pain, covered in dirt and his own blood while the blank faces run around trying to help me and are ignoring him. A wound I have when I chose to save Revka instead of him. He could have healed himself easily, within minutes even, but the reason my pain has been fading in and out is because of his touch. The magic Frigga taught him was protective, healing, loving and now it is coursing through me.

I see him smile and I think I smile back at him, I can’t tell since most of my body has gone numb. It’s silent around us, not even the birds are chirping and I’m not sure if I’m that disoriented or if the world has fallen silent. All I know is I’m breathing in cold air without feeling as if I might dissolve into fire and he is still bleeding. I squeeze his hand to pull him towards me more, but then it hits me. Another surge, another memory, and this time there is no romance behind it at all. It’s just a small fragment, a tiny window into a vision I pushed away and burned. It’s a scent of perfume, her perfume. He sees it, I watch his eyes fade again and I let go of his hand and push myself onto my back. Sweltering pain explodes through me like a comet bursting into the atmosphere, I can’t breathe or see and I’m flailing. I hear Revka’s voice and the world speeds up again, white crosses my vision and I can smell Revka’s scent near me, he’s whispering something into my ear but I’m struggling to keep my eyes open.

Chapter Text

Lights are swirling above me; it’s like when you swim underwater and turn to face the surface, the sun mixes and reflects off the water to create a dream-like world. Swirls and hues of light blue and stark white mix together and blend everything around me. I feel like I’m hovering above ground, my body feels weightless and I have come accustom to the pain in my side or I have died. If this is what heaven is, than it’s blissful. Floating along without a care in the world and just existing in suspended animation. There is a jolt next to me and then I am weighed down again by the searing pain in my side. It snaps my vision back and I am in my room surrounded by people running around, I smell Revka’s cologne mixed with my scented bath oils on my comforter. How did I get home? The last clear memory I have was lying in the dirt with Loki. Is he dead?

I hear fractions of words coming and going in sync with the blur of bodies. Somebody is pulling the dressing off my wound, I wheeze and the muscles in my legs flex painfully. There’s something dripping onto me that’s colder than ice and is making my skin tingle. I feel it making its way into the opening on my side and I swear I feel it hit my bone. My upper body seizes and a pair of hands flies at me to hold me down while something soft is shoved between my teeth. I hear shushing like one does to calm a baby down but I don’t know where it’s coming from. I feel tension and despair around me; if I was conscious enough I would probably start panicking. The floating feeling is coming back but there are no lights this time, it is only a warm darkness coning my vision before it turns completely black.

I expect my room to greet me when I open my eyes but instead I am staring out a large window nearly ten feet tall. I know this place and I know this window but something about it feels different. My head is reaching an unnatural place in the window I am leaning against; my head should not be this high up on the window. My head feels cold against the glass as it starts to rain, I try and move my body but I am stuck against the window watching the grass get soaked from the onslaught of rough weather. I try again to jerk my body but nothing happens. It’s then I notice a shadowy figure running with an arm above their head, darting around the trees towards the side of the building. Another figure, larger and clearly a man is following behind and I can hear the sound of laughter barreling from below. My eyes widen as I realize I am watching Thor and myself run from the rain and then out of nowhere a surge of anger takes over my entire being.

Suddenly I am walking, no more like stomping down an empty corridor past paintings of landscapes and stuffy looking people in clearly posed positions. I pull my hands up and realize they are definitely not my hands. They are Loki’s hands, long piano fingers covered in milk white skin, they’re shaking uncontrollably, I am in Loki’s body. His hands clench into fists over and over the further his body and I stalk along the hall. I can hear my own laughter echoing, the sleeting rain pounding on the palace; I feel more anger churning in my belly like a serpent, well Loki’s belly I suppose. We round the corner, I smack into myself soaking wet and cheeks tinged with pink. This is the weirdest sensation I have ever experienced. I remember this day and I didn’t even realize Loki was this angry.

“Loki!” I hear myself say his name elated. I feel his jaw clench and I look at Thor, the serpent is coiling tighter.

“What are you two doing?” my tongue burns when I say these words, I remember how I felt when he said them.

I watch my own eyes widen and I can remember asking myself what his problem was. Loki’s rage is cooling the longer he stares at me, oh god this is weird. I try to look away but this is Loki’s memory, and I know what happens next. I watch my arms wrap around his waist, I feel my own embrace and it’s kind of intoxicating. Or is that Loki is feeling intoxicated by me?

What is she doing with that oaf, she belongs to me

“I was coming to see you and I caught Thor on the way in. Then we got caught in the rain.” I hug him tighter, well hug me tighter?

“What exactly where you talking about that caused you to stay outside so long?” my heart is pounding faster.

Don’t lie to me

I remember that conversation, I saw Thor and was bugging him about the army. Odin never listened to me nor believed I knew what I was talking about and I figured Thor would listen to me. Thor made some stupid joke and before I could retaliate he got hit in the face with a tree branch when the wind blew, that’s why I was laughing. I could never talk to Loki about my ideas either, he didn’t feel it was my place since I was just the prince’s girlfriend.

“She was just asking about the party next week and then the weather took a turn and I got smacked in the face by a branch. See?” Thor’s voice cut through the tension that was forming, pointing matter-of-factly at a small cut on his cheek.

I look back down, I’m smiling and I apparently do not hide my relief well because it is written all over my face. There is a sharp pain in my stomach that brings the taste of bile to my throat. It’s a familiar feeling; I felt it every day for nearly a month while Loki was with another woman. However, this pain feels amplified because it is melded with the crippling fear of betrayal by two people instead of one.

I believe her. Believe her, she would never

You’re right I would never, it is you that would.

Everything blurs and another flash of light blinds me, now I’m in the library. Another memory, another weird sensation of being in love with myself but it’s almost as confusing as it is comforting. I see myself lying on my stomach on the floor in the middle of the library, my hair up in a half-assed attempt at a ponytail that’s falling over my shoulder. I’m staring with my brow furrowed at a large red book nearly half the size of my torso and I look like I’m about to fall into the pages. I almost have that book memorized I read it so much. The old war book from before Odin was king when Asgardia reigned supreme. He’s smiling; I can feel his face stretching into that brilliant grin of his. I feel his happiness, it’s airy and powerful, and it’s the kind of happiness that makes you want to sing at the top of your lungs. I fell his skin prickle into goose bumps after I hear myself sight in frustration.

She is too beautiful. I will never give her up.

Why did you? Where did these feelings go?

“She is lovely isn’t she” there is a unfamiliar voice behind me. Loki’s body turns and I am met with eyes the color of honey. “You know her and Thor do look lovely together” she says in a sweet voice.

The pain comes back, it feels like my gut is being twisted up and torn apart at the same time. How did I not overhear this conversation? Whom is this woman talking to Loki? There is a startling revelation but Loki’s own feelings cut me off.

“What are you talking about Halia?” his voice is shaking.

“Haven’t you seen them together? She’s been meeting with them for a while; I see them in the clearing when I’m tending to the queen’s garden. I’m not sure what they talk about but it seems very intimate. Quiet and hushed, close together y’know?” She’s trying not to smile as she says this.

My hand is around her neck squeezing the air out of her throat. Inches away from her face, I smell the perfume, her perfume. It’s her and all I want to do is scream and rip her throat out coupled with the feral need to bring pain to myself. Loki’s feelings and mine are beginning to mix, I try to thrash and run to my past self but nothing happens so I begin to scream internally. Look over here! Stop reading and fucking look! I’m screaming so loud but Loki’s mouth won’t open, he is too engrossed in this woman named Halia and her lies.

“You better not be lying to me.” I hiss.
“I would never lie to you, my prince.” She’s smiling.

I was right all along

No you weren’t!

White light, rooms spinning and then I am somewhere I have never seen before. It’s a small house made to look more extravagant than it really is. The furniture is stark white to contrast the black walls, ornate mirrors hang all along the wall, two small couches facing each other are in the center with a small stone fire place to the right. There are various white and gold painted flowers in squat glass vases adorning nearly every shelf. I don’t have time to look at much else; Loki is walking quickly to a round wooden door. He shoves it open and there she is, sitting on the edge of her bed in a white robe with her hair curled and too much eye shadow. My stomach is on fire but my heart feels like stone. There’s voice in the back of his head, it’s mine, and I’m telling him I love him. There is a flash of me and Thor holding each other in mine and Loki’s bed and Loki is telling me he hates me.

That never happened. I swear to god please listen to me. Can you fucking hear me? Does it make a difference? If you stop will it change time? It can’t it won’t this is a memory but please don’t you have no idea what this will do.

I hope this fucking hurts you, kitten

It killed me.

The aftermath is worse than the beginning. Now, I am lying in her bed drenched in sweat with a feeling of turmoil. Her skinny arms are wrapped around his torso, I instinctually try to scoot away and for once his body responds. Wordlessly I am pulling on pants and a shirt, she is cooing behind me trying to get him back in bed with her. A hard swallow, it feels like fire, and out the door we go. The night feels damp, dark clouds are rolling in and cover the moon so we are engulfed by darkness. I don’t know if it’s his feelings, my feelings or a possibility that we both are feeling the same thing right now. Knowing it happened is one thing, seeing it is a whole other realm I wish I didn’t have to endure. My only saving grace is the memory jump; at least I didn’t have to see him railing another woman, or feel it. I shudder; he stiffens but continues walking in thoughtless silence. Emptiness, regret, revenge, pain, agonizing turmoil, we are a walking cauldron of feelings.

She will know. I can smell her perfume on me, and then she will ask.

I never asked.

I won’t apologize until she admits what she did.

I did nothing but love you.

But what if she loves him?

I don’t.

No matter, if she wants to be with that oaf then so be it. She is just a woman, easily replaceable. I’m sure I can find one with less of a mouth and more obedience anyways.

Isn’t that what you loved about me?

Why him? Of every man she could have cheated with, my brother? The one person she knows I cannot love nor hate? How the fuck could she do this to me.

I didn’t!

I will destroy her

You did.

Jerking, spinning, silence. Our bedroom the first night he was away, it’s only lit by the few remaining candles I let burn. I see myself facing the window pretending to be asleep, waiting for him. Panic, dread, and anger, it’s all sweeping over us, the world feels like it stopped spinning. We creep towards the bed, my body outlined in the comforter shifts awkwardly. I taste blood in my mouth; he has bitten his own lip too hard. That’s why I turned towards him, I heard him wince.

“What time is it?” I hear myself ask, turning over and faking a yawn.

“Not sure, sorry I’m so late Kitten.”

Why did I do this. Halia was lying, god why the fuck did I believe that wench.

You tell me.

I’m embracing him, I feel my nose scrunch up, and Loki stops breathing. We hold our breath for what seems like hours, finally exhaling once I speak.

Forgive me

Never.

“Why don’t you shower then come to bed?” I can read my own face, so can he.

We nod then place a light kiss on my nose and turn around towards the bathroom. Hot flashes of rage blast through me and engulf my core in its fiery grasp. The door slams shut and we wretch the knob to turn the water on. His clothes are off and I’m looking at Loki in the mirror. The marks on his chest are still red; the scratches on his back suddenly start to sing. I watch the moment he decides to continue to hurt me; I see the life drain from his usually sparkling eyes.

His head is leaning against the cold shower tile, hot water cascading down his back making the scratches sting even more. He’s panting, is he crying? He’s trying not to, I feel the tightness in his chest, his stomach muscles cramping as he tries to keep his emotions down.

she doesn’t fucking care. So why should I

I didn’t want it to be true.

I’m being jerked to the left and the room spins, a purple haze falls over and now I am staring out the window again. It’s cold, the moon is out and it looks like it’s going to rain. My head is pounding and there is cooled wax on my cheek, I can see it from our reflection. It’s the night we fought, why can’t I feel anything. I watch my shadowy figure disappear into the darkness and we stand still.

She has nothing without me

I thought so too.

She won’t leave Asgard

Ha.

She’ll come back to me

No I won’t.

I know she will, we are supposed to be together.

We were.

See you tomorrow Kitten

Prideful much?

More light, but this time the memories are bits and pieces that seem to be repeating themselves. Eat, sleep, walk, read and repeat. They spin me around like a carousel, it keeps turning but I don’t feel anything. We are void, going through the motions with blank expressions and half-assed conversations. I see Thor’s face a few times and Frigga’s but they are shorter fragments than the others. Everything is the same, empty and cavernous like his soul is gone. I’m spinning again and again, the lights are fading and everything blacks out.

Chapter Text

It never stops.

The paths we take dug out by the decisions we made, never knowing where it goes or where it will end. Countless lives affected in the biggest and simplest of ways, no matter how hard we want it to stop the world keeps turning. Paths keep on popping up; forks in the road keep tugging us. Left or right, up or down it’s all very methodical if you think about it. Life as a melody, intricate and burning with passion and failure, its beauty in itself really.

I’ve been awake with my eyes closed for what seems like an eternity, Loki’s memories plastered in the forefront of my mind as I listen to the soft humming of the room. There is nowhere left to run and nowhere left to hide, I’m open and bleeding both figuratively and literally. Time to face the music as they say, isn’t that what we do all the time though?

My eyes flutter open, I wait for one of them to notice me, diamonds dazzle above me from the chandlier, and I almost want to laugh at how ridiculous it is. Who needs that much light hanging above a bed? Once you’re asleep you don’t see it anyways.

“Love” I hear Revka’s voice, but the tone is disheveled.

“I’m here” I rasp, grabbing at his hand.

When our eyes meet I feel it, it’s terrifying but I can tell he feels it too. We stay like that, fingers intertwined with one another and holding each other’s gaze. There is a stiff air in the room, out of the corner of my eye I see Loki leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, shocker. I slowly remove my hand from Revka’s and pull myself up, propping my body up on the mass of silk pillows behind me. Nobody says anything, the various nurses and servants all have horrified looks on their faces but they try to hide it behind their meaningless tasks about the room. I gulp, my mouth is dry but I’m afraid to speak.

“I need to speak with Loki, alone.” I hear Revka’s heart pounding, but he gets up and leaves wordlessly.

A small smirk plays on Loki’s lips as he strides towards me, taking the seat that belonged to Revka. It’s hard for me to look him in the eye, the green orbs swirl with amusement and what looks like victory, though he is unaware this dance is far from over. He leans forward and I shoot my knees up to block him, his nose inches away from my legs. He’s startled but quickly regains his composure, pressing his lips softly to my covered shin and then raises again.

“You’re pathetic.” I spit, he stiffens.

“What?” He asks trying to hide the anger in his voice.

“Your blood is a lot more powerful than you think.”

“What did you see?” His voice is low and his eyes have wavered to the pillows behind my head.

“Everything.” I whisper, biting the inside of my cheek to hold the tears back.

More silence, more choices, more spinning. For the first time I see him fidget uncomfortably, his fingers drumming sporadically on his knee. Our eyes meet and the fire burns brighter than it ever did before. Left or right? Up or down? Nobody knows where we will be, is there a better choice or are they all the same?

“I made a mistake.” He says breaking the silence.

“You never listened to me Loki.” I cut him off before he can spew his pathetic excuse for an apology. “You acted like a child, if you honestly thought I was fucking someone else you should have asked me instead of acting like a coward and finding solace in some whore who just wanted the glory of stealing someone else’s lover.”

His gaze lowers, so I throw a pillow at his head. For once his reflexes betray him and he nearly falls off the chair he was sitting on. Under normal circumstances I would laugh, but I see nothing but red.

“Nobody is ever equal to you are they?” The question I’ve been longing to ask him since the day we met finally comes out.

His long fingers run through his messy hair, fear dancing in his eyes as they bounce around the room. I cross my leg and tap my foot on the bed awaiting his answer. Is he so oblivious to how he treats other people?

“Can you blame me for not wanting to trust?” He says finally.

Silence.

“That’s it? Poor prince has daddy issues so that gives you the right to treat people who love you like shit?” I shoot up from my pillows so fast my head spins. “I loved you; I loved you with all my heart. No matter how many times you scoffed at my ideas, or how many times I would long for your affection only to have you bat me aside so you could continue your pathetic attempt at stealing Thor’s place for the throne.”

“You build an entire goddamn army just to throw it in my face did you not? Is that not a bit hypocritical that this entire situation is because I hurt you? Isn’t it!?” He yells jumping to his feet, eyes widened in anger and resentment.

“Yes.” My voice is still strong but admitting my faults is oddly freeing.

He was clearly not expecting an answer; he always expects a fight even if he knows he is right. We are at a stalemate, crossroads, whatever it is, I’m trying to navigate blind and deaf. He’s still standing with his fists clenched, his chest heaves up and down roughly while his brow breaks out in a sweat.

“Then you are not one to berate me for my actions are you?” he snarls, eyes locking onto mine again.

“Everyone is either below you or against you, Loki. As much as you claimed to have loved me, you always put yourself first. That is who you are, selfish and broken. I tried to help mend you but you made the choice to act as you did. Just as I made the choice to invite you to my home and prove how much better I am without you.” My heart feels like a giant is squeezing it, nearly fit to burst.

“Yet here you are with me instead of your husband.” His words hit me, causing me to choke back tears that have been trying to break free since he arrived so many days ago.

“Call him in.” I say.

Ever winding, navigating with no defense, this is the melody of the life I have chosen.

The door swings open, Revka’s eyes are red and his cheeks have glistening tears. His boots sound like thunder while they hit the stone; he pushes past Loki and kneels down to me. I fight the urge to kiss him, to love him and comfort the man I promised myself too. The promise I have broken time and time again, the way Loki broke his promise to me.

“Do you still love me the way you used to?” I ask while the tears spring from my eyes.

Stillness, hearts pounding, connected but not the way we should be.

“What do you mean?” He knows what I’m saying, I can tell by the way his voice shakes.

“Can you love me the way you did before.” I whisper.

“No.” His eyes are downcast but this was something I expected.

I know what it’s like to learn to hate the one you love, to find yourself falling deeper into despair because of their selfishness. I can’t say I regret the decisions I made, other than wishing I could help fix what I have broken. There is no hope when these two feelings connect, love and hate are so completely opposite but you cannot live without either.

“Come home with me.” I hear Loki whisper.

“No.”

Revka scoffs but keeps his hand on mine.

“What exactly are you choosing then?” Loki growls, he still doesn’t understand.

“It’s a circle.” I say stroking Revka’s hair but looking at Loki, his head cocked to the side like a confused child. “I will forever regret what I have caused to my dear husband; he is the one who saved me when you broke me. I made the wrong decision to give my heart to such a loving man when I knew deep in my soul we were not finished.” My eyes flicker over to Revka.

“Someone will fix you, as you fixed me. You will be loved to the fullest extent of what you deserve.” I murmur, placing a kiss on the top of his head. “But just because my heart longs for you, it does not mean I want you Loki.” I push myself up and off the bed, wobbling slightly before finding my balance.

“You’re not making any sense.” Loki says softly, idly playing with his shirt.

“You’re not listening.” I say calmly. “You had your reasons to throw away our love just as I had my reasons to bring you back into my life. They were both wrong, building a life on decisions made in revenge and regret is no life to lead. All we can do is hope to right the wrongs we have done and pray to be forgiven eventually. When I left you I felt hopeless but when I married Revka I was still restless and I never figured out why I have never felt satisfied. At first I thought it was because I needed closure and I thought this was the way to do it, and then you came in and played your mind fuck bullshit and I realized that wasn’t it either.” I turn to Revka again who is now standing, a look of admiration in his eyes as I speak.

“I am sorry Revka, for everything I have made you feel.” I say cupping his cheeks in my hands.

“I will find a way to forgive you, someday.” He says as he slips the ring off my finger.

For a moment I feel heartbreak, but when I feel cool air on the skin that has been covered for years I feel..free.

“If you are not choosing him you are choosing me, stop torturing me and come home with me.” Loki’s voice cracks as he falls to his knees, wrapping his arms around my torso when I spin to face him. “Please, Kitten I’ll do anything for you just love me the way you used to.”

“That’s impossible. It is impossible for me to love someone I hate.” I pry his arms off me but he stays on his knees. “I may forgive you one day, but I will say this once and then you must leave me be. I am choosing myself; I am choosing to find a new life, again.” I can feel myself smiling as I say this, the red slowly fading into the color of a sunset.

“Why would you want to be alone? Please, just stay.” He mumbles between sobs.

“I need to build my life around myself, I need a life where I don’t feel obligated to say or do certain things based off my past or a debt I feel I owe.” I side glance at Revka and he nods in approval, fresh tears welling in the corners of his eyes. “I’m letting go, like I should have done before.” I place a kiss on his forehead and walk to the closet, gathering a few of my things and my cloak, ignoring the fear that is trying to overtake me.

“Stop by the hospital on your way, make sure you have enough to keep that wound on your side from getting worse.” Revka says bluntly before patting me on my head.

I feel Revka wrap my belt around my waist and he drops a pouch into my pocket. I pull the hood over my head and smile one last time, taking in the grand room that is no longer mine and the two men who loved me. Revka leans in to place a kiss on my lips and bows to me as he used to when we first married. Butterflies rise from toes to my fingertips as I walk towards the door, excitement and fear all melding into one brightly colored feeling of making a choice based on how I feel instead of how someone has made me feel.

A grip on my wrist, a feeling of déjà vu, cold green eyes rimmed red with defeat.

“I will never stop loving you. I will never stop chasing you.” Loki whispers before releasing my hand.

I smile to myself and push the door open into the rising sun.

It’s all a song waiting to be written, it’s all a circle when you mix love and hate together. You navigate on instinct alone and hope to god you make the right decisions and that each mistake you make brings you realizations that help you at the next turn. Some say there is nothing better than love and being loved, to which I partially agree. However, there is nothing wrong with the feeling of weightless freedom either. Some say solitude can drive you to madness while others want nothing other than to be alone. Either way, I can find something to live for, even if right now I just want to live for me.