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"I have this vision: That I would finally come and find you. Scattered pieces of distance would not stand in my way. Not needing words; the barest of glimpses would suffice for you and me."
— Franz Kafka, Letters To Milena
Levi watched how her ragged breathing made her body tremble over his, hands on Hange’s waist and grasping her half-buttoned shirt. Her hair sticking to her forehead, covering her tightly closed eyes but with a tempting smirk lingering on her face. His head was spinning, and all seemed blurry, but this view before him only helped to ignite this thing known as love.
Love, love, love. Everything was reduced to this.
After some seconds of trying to remember how to breathe again, she let her body gently fell over his, Levi’s arms sliding around her waist to hold her as close as possible against him. Hearing the tranquilizing sound of his heartbeat over and over, with kisses trailing up her jaw and ending at her mouth to share a messy kiss.
The way how her body heat embraced him made him feel like there was something wonderful in the mere act of existing right there with her. And after they parted the kiss, she moved from his torso to lie down next to him on the bed, melting over the mattress and keeping that lazy smile.
“It’s still freezing in here,” she said as she snuggled into his arm.
Levi’s body was still heavy, sweaty and warm. But Hange was right after all and soon he’d be suffering with the temperature because the air that filled the room at this hour was awfully cold. But they were up like a clock every sunrise, so there wasn’t much of a choice.
And as he picked up a towel to try cleaning up the mess on the bed they were supposed to avoid, Hange slid her hand from his arm all the way up his muscles until she reached his face, always with that scowl that never seemed to go away but now it was softer and with those scars covering it. Those silver patterns under her fingertips that worked like a constant don’t-forget-you’re-alive for both of them. That’s why Levi didn’t bother to cover himself. Because he’s alive and has fought enough, so why should he hide it?
With or without war, they were done and free. Whatever happened now wasn’t their problem, and so they built this little house and willingly decided to freeze at this hour every day. Mainly thinking that fucking in the morning wasn’t the best idea, because you’re still dazed and with a bad breath, but it was a good way to start the day. They were free after all, didn’t have the need to explain shit to anybody.
Levi looked at her. No more frown but only his tender expression, taking the hand she was touching him with, to squeeze it gently and stroke it with his thumb. Like there was a secret and they were the only people in the world who knew about it.
“It’s time to take a bath,” he told her.
“Not yet.” Hange let go of his hand and pulled the sheets up to her head, covering and mostly hiding from him. “It’s too cold.”
He ignored her, putting on his underwear and getting up with some difficulty, supporting his weight on his right leg.
“I didn’t ask you, I’m telling you to go.”
“So what if I don’t want to? I don’t think you can pick me up like before.” She gave him a sarcastic grin.
“Don’t underestimate me. I can still hit you in the head.”
“Come on, promise I’ll go later.”
Yeah sure, sure. He left her whining behind as he disappeared into the bathroom.
His leg wasn’t of much help since he couldn’t move around too much, but at least he could manage when they were at the house and used the wheelchair when they went out. But damn, he’s going to use it at home now. Hange always had fun carrying him around the streets, making him clench his fists in fear that she would push him down a hill. The echo of her laughter flooded his ears like one of these records that Onyokopon showed them on time. Already burned in his memory.
Oh, and she was right. It was definitely still early. The shivers that ran down his shoulders pulled Levi from these thoughts as his body grew colder and colder. The sunlight that tried to get through the window didn’t do any favors either, more like a colorless and gray sky announcing a soon to come rain. But at least they had an excuse to wear some cozy sweaters.
Levi made sure the bath he prepared a while ago was still warm and prepared some towels and set clean clothes aside. This whole ritual was one of the biggest pleasures for him, so he didn’t understand why Hange would refuse it.
When he returned to their bedroom, Hange hadn’t moved a muscle at all. Still sprawled on the bed with a pout and her half-opened shirt looking as messy and charming as ever.
“Stop complaining and move.”
“Only if you go with me. Otherwise you’ll have to drag me out of the bed, Levi. I’m sorry but that’s how it is.”
He sighed and tilted his head to look at her. “You know you are a pain in the ass, don’t you?”
“I promise I won’t splash water on you this time.”
This little morning bickering was more like a routine for them these days. It was good for the soul to try recovering those moments that were denied to them before. That’s why he was willing to play along and do everything, but only if it was slow and lingering to make it last.
“Tch, I don’t mind. Just go.”
She made a squeaky noise that could be called a giggle and rushed to the bathroom, celebrating her victory.
Once there, Hange stretched and began to undo her shirt buttons, letting it slide down her body until it fell to the cold wooden floor. Levi watched her movements, his gaze hovering around her long legs, studying her slender silhouette and her hands that carefully tried the temperature of the water. Her movements were far from graceful, but there was a certain rhythm on them that hypnotized him. And when his eyes reached hers, she was staring back at him with a mischievous smile, almost proud that she’d caught him off guard. Too distracted on her to notice.
But it truly seemed natural to watch her, really.
Even now, when they had already stepped into the bathtub, each on the opposite side, it was quite entertaining to observe her. Each expression different from the last one, unintentionally trying to communicate everything she could with those beautiful brown eyes. Showing a lazy smile, absolutely immersed in the water and the steam like it was her own little paradise.
“See how good the water feels?” She asked, battling her eyelashes at Levi.
“Of course, I prepared it.”
Hange rolled her eyes and moved closer, laying her body on top of his and letting her head rest in the crook of his neck. The most comfortable place there was.
“Don’t you fall asleep, four-eyes,” Levi said as he wrapped an arm around her waist.
“No, no. I’m just resting. You left me pretty tired, don’t you think?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
He reached out for a soap bar and started to wash Hange’s body. First rubbing it against her shoulders, letting the little bubbles form so the sweet berry scent could spread between them. This soap left the skin so smooth; it was surely his favorite. Then he moved to her back, sliding along her spine, up and down while the soap dripped down her body until it diffused into in the water.
“Try not to get it in my eyes.”
“I’m not even close, you idiot.”
Hange snorted and washed away the remains from her body. Staring at him with a certain look in her eyes, like she was scheming something inside that strange head of hers. “Why don’t you ever let me do this to you?”
“It’s just a bath, it’s not a big deal.”
“But I think it’s fair, and we are in no hurry, are we?”
It’s not like that convinced him, but why should he refuse? It was only the two of them after all, no one else and nothing more. And god knows how annoying she could be when an idea plagued her mind. Impossible to talk her out of there.
They switched positions, and now Levi was the one with his back to her. So vulnerable, like a tamed animal that she approached with a gained trust. And without waiting a second longer, she wrapped her arms around him to wash near his chest and then moving the soap to the shoulders. Her fingers assuming an unusual gentleness with her caresses, making sure every muscle got their fair share of touching. It was so funny that he didn’t need to say anything, like she already deciphered where he needed it the most.
He closed his eyes for a moment, to be with her way of loving that made this tingle spread through his stomach with every touch. The traces of kindness within those restless hands that never hesitated to get closer, nevermind how dangerous something was because it was on her nature to be this oblivious and daring. But after all, she knew Levi was a softie since the beginning, with her know-it-all personality that he ended up growing fond of, because how could he not? Even more now, hers being the one soul he would love to keep around forever.
But this was it, right? How life must feel? With calmness settling over their bones as a reminder that they had nowhere to be and nothing to wait for, because they had waited enough for a lifetime.
“Thank you,” he said, turning around to look at her, and Hange’s hands fell over him. She smiled and started biting her lip, holding back from teasing him like the child she is.
Sometime later, after they got dressed and Levi found himself alone in the living room packing some cinnamon tea, he noticed how quiet everything was. With Hange in the other room studying her plants and making all kinds of examinations, there weren’t her usual rumblings around and there was only the wind gliding through the trees with the leaves moving through the branches outside the window.
And with this strange silence on his mind, he walked as he could to her little lab kind of room, opening to door to find a completely asleep Hange on the desk. With a peaceful expression, head over her arms and too tired to even take off her glasses or eyepatch, dreaming about who knows what. Pretty would be the first word to come to mind but reassuring would be more adequate.
Levi took a blanket and covered her with it, but his eyes drifted to the leather notebook at her side where she wrote all of these discoveries and annotations of her dear plants. He took it and flipped through the pages, full of messy writing with black ink all over the place.
Anything about learning was like the driving force of her life, passionate about exploring that made that sparkle appear in her eyes. It’s a joy seeing it there after all, loving everything she did.
So he sat down slowly on the couch next to the desk to read her research, just out of curiosity. Plant leaves attached and drawn on the corners of those yellowed notebook pages, impregnated with the smell of an old book mixed with dirt from the plants. Flowers, ferns, and even pieces of wood were there with strange names that Levi didn’t know if Hange made them up or read somewhere, but everything was obviously hers. And in the corner of a page there was this little annotation that said ‘Levi might like this one on his tea’, enclosed in a circle next to a flower he didn’t recognize.
It was so dumb it almost made him smile.
And just like that, Hange woke up, grunting and stirring. Looking at him puzzled, like she didn’t quite understand what he was doing there.
“Wanted to read my notes?”
“I actually came to ask you if you wanted some tea, but you were drooling over your notebook, so I moved it before you messed it up.”
“alright, alright.” Hange got up and sat down next to him on the couch. Still covering herself with the blanket because she knows how much it upsets Levi when one of them gets sick. Resting her head on his shoulder to study the notebook with him, stopping at one white flower she had there. “Oh, that’s the Achillea millefolium. It’s good for wounds, and bees love them.”
He nodded. “Looks kinda ugly.”
“That’s mean.”
“It’s not like the flower can hear me, anyway.”
She laughed and kept on flipping through the pages. “There was a fern I really liked. I think it was over there.”
She took the notebook from him to find the plant along the pages. Finally spotting the page dedicated to her little fern that didn’t appear to be special at all, but to her it was. Smiling and talking about its properties even when there wasn’t a thing he understood about it, but he didn’t need to. Just looking at her was enough to feel… content? Yes, he’s sure of that now. This is how life is supposed to feel. Not like a mountain of recognitions, titles, medals, and glory. It was nothing more than this. Nothing to fear, nothing to hope. Truly free.
Levi then cupped Hange’s face gently, holding her like she was going to escape through his remaining fingers, and she stopped talking for this unexpected touch but melted when he pressed their lips together. A slow and light kiss to make sure she understood what he wanted to say. That they are right where they’re supposed to be.
Words truly never did him justice, but she understood. Of course she did.
After Levi parted the kiss, she looked at him with a confused sort of tenderness and laughed softly right after.
“What was that for?”
“I just wanted to,” He told her, and his hand lingered by her jaw, caressing it. “Just keep telling me about your dumb plants.”
If this is what they call living, it feels good; he thought.