Work Text:
Dan
*well I was there on the day they sold the cars for the queen*
"Hey Phil, look" I said pointing at the car followed by multiple police cars.
"Who really needs that much security?" Asked phil.
" I don't know. Maybe its the queen or something" it had been an ongoing joke between me and Phil to instead of saying 'your mum' (because some people *cough* Phil *caugh* found it offensive) say the queen.
He laughed and shoved me playfully.
Those were the days when things were good. Before. Well let's just say before.
*and when the lights all went out we watched our lives on the screens. I hate the ending myself but it started with an alright scene*
*it was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing. It was the lie when they smiled and said you won't feel a thing*
When all our subscribers gave "proof" that phan was real I wished along with them. When they asked so many times and Phil denied it my heart hurt a little.
Every video I made with him where I couldn't say he was mine made me hurt a little more. When people said love was worth it they didn't think of one way love
*and as we ran from the cops we laughed so hard it would sting*
I walked by a freshly painted wall. It was crisp white. I smiled. I remember one time. I dared Phil to graffiti the wall the first time they painted it.
"Why should I do that?" He had asked looking concerned.
"Because, Phil .I'll be your slave for the next 2 days?" I gave him a pleading look.
"Fine .but we better not get caught" Phil gave me a pointed look.
"Of course not"
We had gone to a hardware store and gotten bright red spray paint. We went out that night. I smiled and handed Phil the spray paint.
"What should I write?" He asked whispering.
"I don't know. something random I guess." I said.
That seemed to give him an idea. He turned to the wall and started going crazy with it.
I looked to it when he was done.
It read; 'the whiskers come from within - <3 Fil'
"Why did you spell your name wrong?" I asked laughing.
"So the cops don't get me" he responded like it should be obvious.
Right when he finished his statement we heard police sirens and started running.
Luckily we managed to escape unscathed.
*I spent my highschool career spit on and shoved to agree so I could watch all my heroes sell a car on TV*
My whole high school experience I was taught that boys should only like girls and girls should only like boys. The few brave people to deviate from that teaching were bullied spit on and shoved around.
It just made it harder to keep my secret. The secret that I was bisexual. So I only pursued the girls that I liked.
When I got out of highschool though it was even worse. I couldn't bear it any more so I just waited for the hate.
The hate never came from people worth listening to.my friends and family were unbelievably supportive.
*bring out the old guillotine, we'll show them what we all mean*
The people that weren't that close weren't accepting and every time I heard a slur come from their tongue was another time I'd bring a blade to my wrist.
*if I'm so wrong, how could you listen all night long? Now will it matter after I'm gone because you never learned a goddamned thing*
I had walked into the main room where Phil was waiting for me to watch animé.
" hey Dan. You ready?"
"Yeah" I mumbled.
That was the day I told him. Couldn't he take a clue?
When I sat down Phil noticed something was wrong but he didn't try to pry.
"Phil, I need to talk to you about something." I said, turning to him when the episode finished.
"I'm all ears" he said picking up his stuffed elephant by the ears.
I laughed nervously. Why are things so much funnier when you're nervous?
"All these years I've lived with you I've been keeping something from you" I bit my lip. Phil looked extremely concerned.
"I'm in love with you" I mumbled quietly.
"What?"
"I said I'm in love with you" I said again mumbling the I'm in love with you part.
"Sorry I didn't catch the last part"
"I said I'm in love with you" I said clearly so he could hear it.
"Oh" was his reaction.
I got up and walked out. I took the longest walk I could getting as much shopping as possible done.
When I came back to the apartment Phil was pacing obviously waiting for me.
"Dan. Okay so I do love you. Just as a friend and I'm so sorry that I don't love you like you love me but I think it'll be alright eventually." That's all I needed to hear to make me a wreck.
I thought I was right. I thought he loved me too. All the shared glances that people used to prove phan was what gave me the courage to confess to him.
*just go, run away but where did you run to? and where did you hide? Go find another way.....*They went through a few weeks of awkwardness until Phil announced he was moving out.
"I just think its for the best. It'll help both of us. You can make friends with whoever your new roommate is and I'll make friends with my new roommate"
I was on the verge of tears at that point.
"Just go. You don't need my permission or anything. " Phil cared to much about my feelings to say what we were thinking. He needed to be comfortable with his friend. And I needed closure so this was the best solution until I was over him.
*you're just a sad song, with nothing to say about a life long wait for a hospital stay. Well if you think that I'm wrong it never meant nothing to ya... at all*
That's were we leave off happy me and Phil and go to the me walking through the hospital corridors before I get my chemo treatment.
Of course Phil only came back when he thought I was dying. I am dying. Its no surprise.
It runs in the family but I though If I tried hard enough that I could avoid the curse.
Unfortunately I didn't. After Phil realized that he loved me too, he proposed. Me being a sucker for love I accepted. just a bit too late.
Habituary: Daniel James Howell
Left behind his loving mother father and brother. He was engaged to be married to Philip Michael Lester. We hope he rests in peace and maybe we always remember him.
- author: Philip Lester
(Thanks for reading-extreme_fangirl (:)