Work Text:
Trying not to Love You.
'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Trying not to Love You - Nickelback
Lieutenant Andrew Flynn was slowing packing his stuff in the cardboard box. Photos, files, pen cases and other office objects were being placed inside, including his nameplate. More than thirty years of career in the police force fitted in one medium size box. Ironic, isn’t it? He could feel the eyes of his colleagues and friends on him, watching carefully his every move.
Provenza was still glaring at him. They hadn’t spoken since Andy told him that he was not going to change his mind. The older lieutenant shook his head and he got up forcefully, his chair shrieking against the floor. Without saying a word, he left the room.
Andy followed his partner with his eyes and sighed. He needed time to adjust to the new situation, he hoped that in time we would understand why he had to make this decision.
“So,” he breathed out while he put the lid on the box. “This is it.”
“I still can’t believe it that you’re leaving, Sir.” Detective Sanchez commented from his seat. “It won’t be the same without you.”
“Thank you Julio. I will miss you too. All of you.” He said. “But we will see each other, it’s not like I’m disappearing from the face of the Earth”
“But it won’t be the same” Lieutenant Tao added getting up from his seat and walking towards the tall man. “Good luck, Andy.” he patted his back in a friendly gesture.
“Thanks Mike and…” his eyes landed on the now empty seat. “Keep an eye on Provenza, please.”
“Don’t worry, Lieutenant.” Amy Sykes joined the group. “We’ll take care of him.” she smiled. “You just go and enjoy the civilian life.”
He looked at her annoyed “You don’t have to be so happy that I’m leaving.”
“No, Lieutenant… I didn’t mean…” she blushed.
“I’m just messing with you, Amy.” he laughed and pulled her in a hug. “Be careful” he whispered in her ear before releasing her and picking up his box from the desk. He looked at the Captain’s office hoping that she would come out to say goodbye, but the door remained closed and the blinds down. The Captain had stayed in the office all day saying that she had paperwork to do and asked not to be disturb. His last day of work and she decided to avoid him.
He shook his head disappointed, nothing he could do now. “I’m off guys… see you around.” He said sadly while walking down the corridor towards the lifts.
Two weeks before…
The team had just closed a case. A double homicide investigation and an eye witness as a target had kept them busy for nearly a week. Stephen Hastings was a wealthy business man who had witness the murder of the couple and had himself received threats. He had his personal security, but since he was a bit untrustworthy and at flight risk, Taylor wanted someone on the team following him too. Captain Sharon Raydor had put Flynn on the job, positive that he would know how to deal with Hastings.
“Thanks for saving my ass back there, Lieutenant!” Hastings patted Flynn’s back. “If it weren’t for you I’d be dead now.” His said with his exuberant voice. “Fine man you’ve got here, Captain.”
“Yes, I know.” She nodded condescendingly. She really didn’t like the guy. “My team is the best!” She quickly looked for a way out. “Excuse me, reports to write…” she waved her hand.
“Yeah, sure” he grabbed her hand in his and leaned down to kiss it. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Captain.” He lifted his head and winked at her. Sharon quickly retreated her hand and tried to hide her grimace of disgust. Provenza lightly chuckled and Sharon shot him a glare, before turning around to go to her office.
“Well, I need to go too” Hastings exclaimed after checking out her legs and behind. “Look Andy, if you ever get bored with the police life, I need a guy like you in my team.” He told him giving him his business card. “Think about it, the pay is certainly better.” he sniggered.
“Thanks,” Andy took the card out of courtesy. “I’ll think about it.” Once Hasting left he put the card in one of his drawer, leaving there to forget about it.
A couple of days later they caught another case that they solved rather quickly. DDA Hobbs was in the Raydor’s office working on the paperwork for the deal they had just made.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Lt. Flynn stuck his head inside. “Captain?”
“Yes Andy,” she smiled at him. “What can I do for you?”
“The team is finished with the reports and we are off to dinner, we were wondering if you would like to join us.” Then turning his head towards Hobbs. “You’re welcomed to join us too.” he told her.
“Thank you Lieutenant, but I’ve got to go back home. I’ve got a husband and kids to feed.” Andrea Hobbs turned down the invite.
“Captain?” he tried again.
“I’m sorry Andy, but I need to finish this paperwork and I promised Rusty a pizza night.” she told him waving her hands to the number of files on her desk. “But thank the team for me.”
He tried to hide the disappointment and nodded. If they had been alone, he might have insisted. “Okay, it might be for the next time. Goodnight ladies!” he told them with a wink before closing the door.
Andrea raised her eyebrow knowingly. “You should have said yes.”
“I can’t. There’s too much to do and…”
“The poor guy’s got a crush on you.” she smirked.
Sharon gasped “What?”
“Lt. Flynn” she said with a smile. “You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed it. It’s quite obvious , frankly”
Sharon didn’t give too much weight at her words. “No” she shook her head. “We’re… friends. I mean… just a couple of years ago we could barely tolerate each other, he can’t have…”
“Well, aren’t you protesting too much?” Andrea’s smirk got bigger. She slowly got up and gathered her things. “You should go for it, see where it goes. What could possibly go wrong?”
“Do I have to remind you that I’m married?”
“That excuse is getting old.” Hobbs walked closer to the door. “Live a little, Sharon, take a chance.”
Sharon watched the DDA leave the office. She stared out of the window of her office, pass the open blinds and watched her team happily leave. All of them except for Lt. Flynn who was looking down gloomily and then cast one last look at her. Their eyes met and she hummed at what she saw in the depth of his. How could she had never noticed it before? Right in his deep chocolate brown eyes she could see admiration, awe and there she say it… love?
The couple of days after her discovery, Sharon tried to keep her distance from Andy. She spoke to him only if it was necessary and always called him by his rank, gone was the sound of his name rolling on her tongue. Andy couldn’t understand what was wrong. It was like her attitude towards him did a 180° turn in just one day. Provenza kept bugging him about what he did wrong, but Andy just shrugged, being in the dark himself. He had tried to talk to her, he asked her out for one of dinners together, hoping that a little privacy would make her open up to him, but she refused with a quick dismissal. Andy was out of options. Then one evening he stormed in her office.
Sharon jumped in her chair as she was concentrated in the paperwork. “Lieutenant…” she said confused. “What?”
“What was that all about today?” he shouted. Most of the squad had already left. It was only them and honestly he didn’t care if someone heard him.
She got up from her chair, her captain mask on. “You’re treading on thin ice, Lieutenant, you’re very close to insubordination.” She told him firmly.
“I had him. I created a bound with the suspect. I was supposed to be in that interrogation room.” He continued angrily pointing a finger at her. “You nearly blew the case, because, what? You can’t be near me? What the hell did I do to you that you’ve been avoiding me for the past weeks?”
Deep down she knew that he was right. Even Provenza had questioned her decision, wondering why she had brought him instead of Flynn to interrogate the suspect. She was keep her distance from Flynn because after what she had discovered she didn’t want to compromise their working relationship, but staying away from him at all cost had had the same result. “It was my decision, the one I thought it was right at the time.” She crossed her arms in front of her in defense, but her eyes avoiding his.
Andy’s sharp intake of breath made her turn her head. “I can’t believe it.” He snorted shaking his head. “You can’t even admit it. For whatever reason you don’t trust me anymore…” he locked her eyes with hers. She could see the hurt and she wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true, she wanted to apologize, go back as it was before, but she stopped the words screaming in her head.
“… and honestly.” He continued. “I don’t think I can work like this.” He said sorrowfully letting his head fall before leaving her office.
She stared at the closed door, the pressure behind her eyes was getting uncontrollable, she sat down on her chair and finally letting her tears fall. What has she done?
Andy had left the office, but he didn’t go very far. He went to the only terrace of the building a few floors above. It was a calm night and he could barely see the stars. He leaned on his forearms resting on the railing and looked down. He was conflicted, many times he had tried to get through her, to understand what cause her sudden change, but it didn’t work. Today he had finally understood that he couldn’t go on like this. For a moment he considered changing division, going back to Robbery-Homicide, but it still meant seeing the others every day, seeing her. No, he needed a change. He waited long enough to be sure that she had gone home and then returned to his desk. He opened the drawer and picked up the discarded card. He looked at it, still wondering if he was making the right decision. With a sigh, a picked up his phone and made the call.
“Mister Hastings? It’s Lieutenant Flynn. Is that job offer still valid?”
The next morning both Sharon and Provenza were called to Assistant Chief Taylor’s office. When they were both summoned it usually meant bad news. Sharon felt a wave of panic invade her. Did something happen to Rusty?
“Please, come in!” Chief Taylor told them and gestured them to take a seat. He took his glasses off and looked at them. “I’ve had an interesting conversation early this morning and I was wondering if you two knew anything about this.” He passed them a piece of paper.
First Sharon was the first to read it and gasped.
“What? What is it?” Provenza demanded and snapped the paper from Sharon’s hand when she didn’t move.
His eyes skipped quickly at the words. “Is this a joke?” he shouted indignantly after a moment of silence.
“So I guess you didn’t know about this.” He clasped his hands in front of him.
Sharon shook her head too afraid and emotional to speak. She bit her bottom lip trying to keep her years at bay.
“This must be a mistake, he can’t be serious.” Provenza continued.
“I talked to him. He looked pretty convinced. He already has another job offer and he starts next week. It’s official: at the end of the week Lieutenant Andrew Flynn will leave the police force.”
Provenza threw the piece of paper on the desk and got up walking outside the office.
“Are there any troubles in your division, Captain?” Taylor demanded.
“No, sir. Everything is okay.” Sharon finally spoke. “May I be dismissed?” she couldn’t stay there any longer.
“We’ll talk more about this later. You can go now.”
“Thank you, Sir.” Sharon couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She opened the door and lean her back on it. She let her head drop and started gasping for air. This couldn’t be happening, she took a deep breath and tried to control herself. She lifted her head up and started making her way towards the lift. How could she work with Andy now? She could still remember their fight from the night before and his words had haunted her all night.
I don’t think I can work like this.
And he meant it. He was leaving her. From her teary eyes she saw Lieutenant Provenza waiting by the lifts. He was angry… furious.
He didn’t say anything to her but she could tell from his pacing that he couldn’t wait to throw words at her. As soon as the lift arrived, they walked inside.
“This is all your fault!” He shouted at her once the doors closed. “Fix it!”
“Lieutenant, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She reply composed. She had years of experience, she knew how to hide her emotions and be the cold Darth Raydor.
“Like hell you don’t. You had to encourage him, didn’t you? You couldn’t just let him down like any other woman!”
How many people knew about Andy’s feelings for her? Had she really been so blind? “What…”
“I don’t care what you say to him, I don’t care how you do it, just do something! He can’t throw his entire career for a crush! For you! I’m going to yell at him right now, make him see some sense, you just have to finish the job.” And he walked away from her without waiting for her reply.
When Provenza walked inside the murder room, his eyes immediately searched for his partner. Andy was sitting at his desk looking at his computer screen.
“Flynn!” Provenza shouted. “Break room. Now!” With his fast wobbly stride, he didn’t even wait to see if his friend had heard him, he walked towards the break room.
The other exchanged confused looks as Andy’s head peak up and he just shrugged getting up his chair and following his partner.
“What has you so worked up?” he asked him entering the room and closing the door behind him.
“You’re leaving!”
Andy sighed. “I see that Taylor is still good at keeping secrets.” He said sarcastically. He ran both his hands over his face. He had barely slept the night before and he didn’t have the energy for this fight. He had hoped he was going to have one more day before Provenza discovered the truth.
“Yes, I’m leaving.” He confirmed.
“Have you lost your mind? You’re throwing everything away, for what? Raydor?” He puffed waving his hands around.
“Sharon has got nothing to do with this.” He lied.
“Of course not.” He mocked “So you’re suddenly not the Captain’s pet and you’re running away.” He snapped.
Andy stood straight up. “Hey, you watch it, old man!” He didn’t like where the conversation was going.
“I’m your best friend and I can’t let you do this.”
“There’s nothing to be done, I’ve made my decision.”
“This can still be solved. You can talk to the Captain, pour your heart out at her, she can be ice queen and tell you she’s not interested and then we’ll go out and you can forget her by flirting with a young blonde. That’s how it works.”
Andy ignored the pain that his friend’s words gave him. “I’ve talked with my union rep this morning about my pension plan and years of service and I’ve got another job starting next week.”
Provenza looked at him with wide eyes. Suddenly it hit him. Flynn wasn’t fooling around, he really was going to leave. “Well…” he said softly. “I can see I’m too late.” He made to open the door.
Andy groaned, he didn’t want to leave things like that. “Louie…”
“No, no.” Provenza stopped him. “We’ve got nothing else to say. I guess I didn’t know you as good as I thought I did because the Andrew Flynn I knew would have never walked away. He would have never left the police force. I guess people can still surprise you.” And he left the room.
Sharon had tried. She had tried many times to approach him and talk to him, but every time she didn’t know what to say. It was all happening so fast. She had noticed that they had been going out more often. She enjoyed his company and they were there for each other. When she needed something, he was just a phone call away and Andy involved her more with his family activities. Yes, she did like him and maybe, even if she was afraid to admit it, she had feelings for him. But the ink on her divorce papers was still fresh and she didn’t know how to be a divorced woman. Her marriage had been a safety net for a very long time and now she was afraid to jump without it. She needed time. Maybe that’s what she was supposed to tell him. She heard the voices from behind the closed door. He was saying good bye to all of them and she didn’t have the courage to face him. She need to be brave, tell him not to leave her, that there was a future for them. So lost in her thoughts, she didn’t even realize that she had got up and opened the door.
“Do you need anything, Captain?” Amy’s voice dragged her back to Earth. She looked around and saw the confused looks on her team members’ faces. Suddenly she heard the familiar ding of the lifts and the noise of doors sliding shut. She was too late, he was gone.
Days went by and Sharon closed more in herself. They all noticed the changes. The Captain they had learned to appreciate and care was gone and sometimes it felt like the old FID officer, Darth Raydor, was back. She was different at home, Rusty had told them. She was still the same Sharon for him, the new Mum he had gained, but he admitted that now she had this new air of sadness surrounding her.
Sharon was trying to forget him. Forget that they had been friends, learn how to live without him. He had never tried to call her, so he had probably moved on as well. Maybe Provenza had been right, maybe what Andy had felt was just a crush and now he was dating a beautiful woman and he was having fun somewhere else while she was miserable at home. Maybe it was the price she had to pay for not seeing what had been in front of her right from the start. It’s true when they say you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it. And she didn’t know how deep her feelings for Andy went until he had left her to deal with them.
The team had just closed a tough case. They had worked three days no stop trying to find four missing kids. They had arrived in time to save three of them, but unfortunately one of them didn’t make it. Sharon had just given the horrible news to the boy’s parents. She closed the door behind her and heard the cries of pain. She felt tears in her eyes and she turned her head towards Andy’s desk. After a case like this, he would have been right next to her, offering comfort. He would have tried to make her feel better and then offered to take her out for dinner. His empty desk only made her feel worse. She had a stack of personal files on her desk just waiting for her. Taylor had ordered her weeks ago to find a replacement for Flynn, but she couldn’t doing it.
“Hey,” Lieutenant Tao suddenly exclaimed. “How about a barbecue at my place tomorrow? I think we could all need the distraction.”
“Free food? Count me in!” said Provenza from his chair.
Julio, Buzz and Amy loved the idea and also agreed to come. Amy said she would bring Cooper too.
“Captain?”
“Thank you for the invite Lieutenant Tao, but…”
“Come on, Captain.” He insisted. “Rusty can come too. The boys will love to have him around. The can compare college experiences.”
She thought long about it, then she noticed all the eyes on her. She realized she hadn’t been fair to them. They were still here, her team and she had been distant towards them. Maybe it was time to heal.
“Okay,” she gave them a tempted smile.
It was a sunny a hot summer Saturday afternoon in LA. Tao was working on the grill while Julio, Provenza and Cooper were talking over a beer.
Sharon was exchanging a few words with Mike’s wife and Amy inside the kitchen as they were preparing the rest of the food. Rusty had disappeared with Kevin and his brothers as soon as they had arrived. Something about a new computer game. She felt a bit out of place. She didn’t usually socialized with member of her team, the only exception had been… Andy. It was ironic how everything came back to him.
“What is he doing here?” she suddenly hear Provenza’s loud voice. She frowned and turned her head towards, Cathy, Mike’s wife.
“This was all Mike’s idea.” She told her uncertainly.
“Hello guys.”
Sharon gasped. She would recognized that voice anywhere. Her hands stood still from where she was cutting the salad. She felt paralyzed. She hadn’t seen him in nearly two months, since she had been too late to stop him. She wasn’t ready to see him again.
“Let’s go!” Amy exclaimed happily, eager to greet the new arrival.
“Are you okay?” Cathy must have felt her uneasiness, because she was suddenly looking at her worriedly.
“I’m not sure.” Sharon whispered back honestly. She still followed the other two women outside, but stayed hidden.
“If he’s staying, I’m leaving.” Provenza declared crossing his arms.
“Louie…”
“Don’t!” the older man stopped him. “You don’t get to say my name. Only my friends do and we’re not friends.”
Andy sighed and rolled his eyes.
“It’s been nearly two months. Two months!” He continued. “You never stayed in touch.”
“I’ve been talking to Mike and Julio.” The two men nodded to confirm. “ And I have been trying to call you, but you never picked up.”
“You could have showed up at the office.”
“You know I have a job, right? I have been busy and I wanted to make sure you had time to cool off.”
Provena grunted still not happy.
“Just admit that you miss me.” Andy smirked.
“No, I don’t!” He replied back like a child.
“So, you’re not interested in going to the Dodgers game tomorrow?” Andy took out the tickets from his pocket.
“You can’t buy me with your betrayal new job money.”
“Not even for Skybox tickets?”
That immediately caught Provenza’s interest. “How did you get those?”
“My new boss can be quite resourceful.” Andy smirked. “So?”
Provenza stared at the tickets for a while and then snatched them from Andy’s hand. “I’m just going for the game.” Provenza muttered. “It doesn’t mean I forgave you.”
“Sure.” Andy’s lip curved up in a smirk.
The rest of the team exchanged knowing glances. They all knew what really happened between the two friends, they just didn’t talk about their feelings.
Andy shook hands and hugs with everyone else. Even Rusty had come down to greet him. The last one left was Sharon who had stayed back during the all exchange.
“Hello Sharon.” Andy smiled at her uncertainly. They hadn’t spoken since that night at her office.
“I… I can’t…” Sharon shook her head and then rushed inside the house, away from everyone’s eyes.
Andy watched her walk away and closed his eyes with a frustrated sigh.
“You two are a couple of idiot, you know that, right?” Provenza told him.
“I don’t know what she wants from me. She won’t talk to me.” He had hoped that apart would have helped, that he could forget his feelings for her, but it didn’t work and seeing her suffering only hurt more.
“Then make her. You’ve already run once instead of confronting her are you going to repeat your mistakes?”
Provenza was right, they both needed to stop running. He traced her steps and he finally found her sitting in her car parked on the street. She was looking down at her lap, tears running down her face. Then passenger door suddenly opening startled her.
“May I come in?” he gently asked her.
She didn’t answer, but he took the silence as an affirmative sign. A few minutes passed and they both remained silent.
“I made a mistake, Sharon.” He told her softly breaking the silence. “That night I made a rash decision when I should have insisted on you talking to me. I shouldn’t have run, but I thought I was doing the best thing for the both us. You couldn’t tell me what I did wrong and losing you, losing your friendship hurt more with each passing day. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
She finally looked at him. “It’s all my fault, Andy. I should have told you the reason I distant myself from you. I…” it was now or never. “I was scared. I know you have feelings for me…” she heard him take a sharp intake of breath. “… or at least that’s what everyone tells me. And maybe I saw too, but I was just ignoring the signs.”
“Sharon, let me…”
“No, I need to finish this. I enjoyed spending time with you, I was glad to have you as my friend, and yes, along the way, my feelings grew deeper without me realizing it. My marriage to Jack… well it left scars, deep scars, and I’m afraid… I’m afraid to let myself go, to love and be loved by someone again.” She tried to explain. “In these past months I’ve tried to forget you, to stop loving you, but I couldn’t… I can’t.”
“Me too… I don’t know how or when, but I’ve fallen in love with you.”
She looked at him. Tears still welled in her eyes, but there was a gentle smile on her lips. “So, what do we do?”
He took one of her hands in his and let their fingers entwined. “We could try to start over. We could go out on a date. For real.”
“I would love that.” Her smile got bigger and her eyes lit up.
“Maybe, it could actually work, you know. I’m not under your command anymore, so that’s one obstacle out of the way. And for the rest, we’ll just take it a day at the time.”
She nodded and then caressed his cheek with her free hand before covering his soft lips with her. “One day at the time.” She repeated.