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The flu hit with a devastating speed and efficiency that year, arriving much earlier than normal and spreading like wildfire throughout the barracks. Within two weeks of the first case, in fact, half of Erwin’s soldiers were either sick in bed, stuck in quarantine, or in the middle of recovering, and although the illness didn’t seem to be particularly deadly at least, all of the Survey Corps’ operations had essentially ground to a halt. It was unfortunate, he thought, because it was still fall and he had hoped to get one more expedition under their belts before they had to stop for the winter, but obviously that wasn’t going to happen now and it seemed that everyone was going to get their ‘break’ that much sooner.
Still, there was, as always, plenty of work for him to do as commander regardless of that, and once the outbreak really began to take off he ended up having lots of other things to worry about and do anyway. Because of the debilitating nature of the illness — for most, unfortunately, in a particularly awful gastrointestinal way — and the high rates of infection, all but the most important of chores and tasks relating to general upkeep had fallen by the wayside. There simply just weren’t enough healthy people to do them all, Erwin had realized, and in between their normal drills and exercises and things like that, anyone who was able to pick up some slack ended up completely exhausted and overworked by the time that nightfall came around anyway.
Their whole headquarters was quickly falling into disarray because of it and the barracks had essentially become a foul-smelling disaster zone, and the bigwig doctors from the capital had even started to take some notice of what was going on too. Soon, Erwin knew, they would be breathing down his neck, asking questions and threatening to take over or shut him down until it was all cleared up to prevent further spread, but even worse than that, even worse than everything, in fact, was the realization he’d had that...well, that something was not exactly right with his captain.
It wasn’t that Levi was sick, because in contrast to Hange and Mike who had gone down in the first and second weeks respectively, he had so far remained perfectly healthy. Instead, it was just...his usual habits, beliefs, and personality, er... quirks, had become so intense since the flu had started going around that Erwin was quite sure Levi’s squad — new to him, because neither one of them had been in their current positions for long — was now even more terrified of him than they had been before. He’d essentially made them into what Erwin had secretly dubbed the ‘Survey Corps Disinfectant Squad’ in his head, for other than training, all Levi had them do every single day from sunrise to sunset was clean.
He had very graciously informed Erwin that they would be the only ones handling that because he did not trust anyone else to do it right except himself, which Erwin supposed was fine, because he did trust Levi with anything and everything above all others too. He obviously knew very well by then that he had a proclivity for cleaning and considered it highly important as well, but Erwin had not thought much of it other than it being one of the many charming peculiarities that Levi happened to possess. Now, however, he had begun to think about it more, or rather, why, because Levi telling him he was assigning his squad to cleaning duty had proven to only be the tip of the iceberg when it came to their battle against what some of his illegal textbooks called la grippe.
Within a day or two, in fact, it had become apparent to Erwin that Levi was hell bent on making sure everything was always completely spotless no matter what time of the day it was. He hadn’t slept much before and now Erwin was concerned that he wasn’t even sleeping at all because he wouldn’t stop cleaning, as he heard him all throughout the day and night barking orders, stomping around, and shouting at anyone who violated any of the new ‘rules’ he had imposed in his effort to keep everything dirt free. He had instituted so many that Erwin had gotten complaints from a few of the more bold soldiers, in fact, and from Hange, who had apparently been thrown in a tub and scrubbed clean once they were better upon orders he’d given to his squad.
He was on a warpath, Erwin thought, and to those who didn’t know anything about him he now probably seemed like a complete terror. He was acting like a complete terror, to be honest, even to him, although it had quickly become obvious to Erwin that his harsh attitude was borne out of frustration because Erwin did not tend to abide by the same stringent standards of cleanliness that Levi usually did — especially now, when he had taken it up to a level that...well, that seemed kind of obsessive. In just the past week, after all, Erwin had been snapped at because he’d left his office without a cloth over his face, subjected to a rant because there was a single speck of mud on his boots, and cursed out so severely when he’d forgotten to eat dinner one night that he’d actually been left speechless.
He might have been kind of hurt too, to be honest, if Levi hadn’t declared he was going to make sure that he ate by cooking him a meal himself, and if he hadn’t come back — still with a fierce scowl on his face — with a heaping plate of pork, bread, and freshly steamed vegetables. Erwin hadn’t the slightest where he’d gotten the latter because no one had been to the market in days due to a lack of time, but he had and he told Erwin he was to eat every bite, and stood there with his arms crossed watching until he had finished it. That had been four days ago and Levi had done the same thing every night since, and it was all kind of odd, at least until Erwin began to look at the changes Levi had exhibited as pieces of a much larger puzzle.
He hadn’t started acting like this, Erwin knew, until the flu had come, and since the flu was what had triggered it, it didn’t take long before Erwin started to wonder if he was afraid of it somehow. Levi wasn’t even afraid of titans, though, so why would he fear a sickness that hadn’t killed anyone yet? Had he lost someone to it before, or did he really just hate being ill that much? The way that he was much more tense than normal, high-strung and on edge, and seemingly obsessed with keeping Erwin in particular well — there was the dinner, and the face cloth incident, and the fact that he cleaned his office meticulously twice a day now — seemed to point to the former, although it was hard for Erwin to fathom that Levi could be that worried about losing him to the flu.
Regardless of that, however, Erwin knew he could not say for sure what was causing Levi’s anxiety without hearing it from Levi himself. He knew very little about his past even two years in, he thought, and coaxing such details from Levi was often like trying to pry a mouse from the jaws of a large cat. He was prickly, and guarded his heart, and despite how Erwin had managed to penetrate through his rough exterior some, he was very aware that there was still much, much more to know. He wanted to know it too, he thought, because ever since Levi had arrived there he’d had the inexplicable urge to get closer to him. He had by then to some extent, as they were friends and did share a degree of intimacy that he didn’t have with his other comrades, but despite knowing that he shouldn’t, Erwin could not help the yearning he felt for more.
Perhaps that was why his concern for Levi grew more and more with every passing day until it was nearly all that occupied his mind — Levi was losing sleep, clearly agonizing over some unsaid, unknown thing, and working himself to death — or perhaps he was just worried about his best soldier, his newly minted captain, seeming to rapidly be approaching the point where it might be questionable as to whether or not he could fulfill his duties. He was scaring everyone, taking out his frustration and stress on his squad during training by pushing them too hard, and being way too reckless himself by not resting and performing dangerous maneuvers while using the gear outside.
Either way, Erwin felt that it was past the point where he probably needed to say something, but...how? He couldn’t just come out and ask, of course, because that would be too sudden and Levi would likely just withdraw further into himself and wave it off. Erwin had to be careful, but fortunately, he was saved from having to lose sleep himself because of the conundrum by stumbling into an opportunity to find out. It began when, on the 16th night of the outbreak, Erwin had been getting ready for bed when he’d realized he’d left the book he wanted to look at in his office. He often liked to relax by reading something interesting before he went to sleep, but he debated for several minutes on whether or not he should go back to get it.
Levi had attempted to convince him the day before that he shouldn’t leave his office or bedroom for excess trips unless it was an emergency, and although Erwin promised he would do his best because he didn’t want to worry him even more, he really, really wanted to read that book. Presumably, Levi was asleep anyway — or at least, he was supposed to be — because Erwin had made him promise he’d get some rest that night, and so if he was quiet, there was no way he would find out, right? That’s what Erwin thought, but still, he opened his door as silently as he could and practically tiptoed through the building without making a single sound, keeping his eyes and ears on high alert just as he would have done while on an expedition outside the walls.
As such, his primed senses immediately picked up on the odd noises coming from his office from all the way down the hall. Even if he hadn’t, though, even if had missed the muttering, the scrubbing, brushing, water dunking and floor cleaning sounds that he heard, he would have also noticed the fact that there was a lamp on that he knew he’d put out before he had decided to ‘go to bed.’ It’s light cast shadows through the cracked door and brightened the otherwise pitch black hallway, and although Erwin obviously could not see what was going on inside, he was without a single doubt sure of what — or rather who — he was going to find inside.
“Levi.” He said quietly, after he’d closed the remaining distance between himself and his office and gently opened the door. “What are you doing? You promised me you were going to get some sleep tonight.”
Naturally, Levi — who was on his hands and knees with a bucket of soapy water next to him, frantically scrubbing the floor while cursing under his breath just like Erwin had expected — stopped cleaning as soon as he saw him. He froze, and looked up at Erwin, and although his face was now twisted into a scowl, Erwin had glimpsed the somewhat haunted looking expression he’d worn for just a second before Levi had realized he was there. It made Erwin frown too, in concern, and he had to resist the urge to immediately try to soothe him because he knew how Levi was going to respond first.
“Erwin, what the hell?! Why are you outside your room?! I thought you agreed that you wouldn’t be walking the fuck around like this, there’s too much dirt, everyone is still sick, and you aren’t even wearing anything over your face! Do you want to catch this shit, what the hell are you thinking?! I—
“Levi.” Erwin interrupted, biting back a pained sigh. He hated to see Levi so agitated like this, especially when he had noticed while Levi was talking that he was dressed in his night clothes. That said to him that Levi must have tried to sleep but couldn’t, and had instead come in there driven by the apparently uncontrollable urge to scour his floor clean. It was senseless — Levi had already done this task two other times that day, and no one had been in there but them — and although he felt that somewhere deep down Levi knew that too, he just wasn’t able to stop. In fact, the circles under his eyes were so dark that it sent a pang through Erwin’s heart, and he decided right then and there that he had to put a stop to this for good. “This has to stop.”
“What? I’m not stopping shit! I’m trying to keep everyone from getting sick. If I don’t, you might—
“Levi, let me see your hands.”
Erwin’s request, issued because he’d noticed how Levi had not-so-subtly sat up and hid his hands behind his back when Erwin’s gaze had drifted downward, was initially met with silence. For a moment, too, Levi appeared shocked — or perhaps, close to panic — that Erwin had asked and changed the subject like that, but his face quickly went right back to looking irritable in just a matter of seconds.
“Huh?” He said too, while Erwin just narrowed his eyes. He was prepared for Levi to protest, obviously, but despite that, he wasn’t going to let it slide — not this time. “Why the fuck do you need to see my hands? There’s nothing wrong with them.”
“I just want to see them. Please?”
“No, stop being weird, Erwin, I’m no—
“That’s an order.”
Again, Levi was taken aback — surely both because of Erwin ordering him to do something like that in the first place, and the stern, commander-like tone he’d used on him as well. Regardless, he subsequently seemed to be experiencing some kind of internal battle over it while Erwin took a moment to quietly close the door behind him, watching closely as Levi looked down at his lap, clenched his jaw in frustration, and swore under his breath, right before he moved his hands out from behind his back and placed his closed fists onto his legs.
“Open them.” Erwin said then, more gently than he had before.
Levi obeyed faster too, although Erwin saw him squeeze his eyes shut for a single second before unclenching his fingers. Immediately, Erwin had the urge to wince, but he forced himself to hold it back, and to appear and remain calm as he looked down at what Levi had shown him.
“And the other side?” He asked after he’d gotten a look, somehow managing to keep his voice steady while Levi flipped them over.
He had looked away by then too, staring at the wall with a scowl as if he was ashamed, but Erwin didn’t think he had any reason to feel like that. It wasn’t his fault, whatever was driving him to this, to clean so much that his hands look positively abused — red and raw, dry and cracked with blisters on his palms and blood on his knuckles from where the skin had split — and all Erwin suddenly wanted to do was take him into his arms and comfort him until it was better. His throat felt tight, he thought, seeing him like this, and he wasn’t too proud to admit that it honestly frightened him in the tiniest bit too. He’d never witnessed Levi being so distraught, after all, as despite how he had been shattered when his friends had died, he still just hadn’t looked so... helpless.
“Levi…” He said again, soft and full of sympathy as he moved to kneel down in front of him. Something about that, or about his tone, was enough for Levi to look back at him, although his expression was blank, and still guarded. Erwin was not daunted, however, because even if he supposed he couldn’t hold Levi like he wanted to, he wasn’t going to not try whatever else it might take to make him feel better. “Look what you’re doing to yourself.”
Daring to reach out and gently grasp Levi’s wrists, he held them in place, hoping that being ‘forced’ to acknowledge them would somehow help Levi come to his senses. Unfortunately, however, it wasn’t going to be that easy.
“I’m fine, Erwin. Quit making a big fucking deal out of it. It doesn’t matter.” Levi grumbled, looking away again as he spoke. Other than that, he didn’t react to Erwin’s touch — at least until he tried to pull his hands away and Erwin tightened his grip, holding firm. That made him meet Erwin’s eyes again, this time with visible confusion on his face, although despite them both knowing that Levi could easily break Erwin’s hold on him if he actually wanted to, he made no move yet to do so. “What the hell are you doing? Let go of my fucking hands.”
“No.”
“No? Are you kidding me, let go!”
“I won’t, until you listen to me. This isn’t normal. I’m worried about you, Levi.”
“There’s nothing to worry about! Stop it!”
“I know you’re trying to prevent everyone from getting sick, but you can’t keep going like this. You’re pushing yourself too hard, and you aren’t sleeping. You’re not taking care of yourself and it’s not good, Levi. I’m afraid you’re going to have an accident while training, or—
“Erwin!” Levi said then, interrupting Erwin so forcefully that his eyes widened. “Shut the fuck up! You have no idea what you’re talking about; I have to do this, because this place is a fucking pigsty and if I don’t, everyone will get sick. You’ll get sick, and do you know what happens then? You’ll go to bed fine and then wake up with a headache that won’t go away, and then get a fever, and a cough, and the next thing you fucking know, you’ll be puking all over yourself and you won’t be able to get out of bed! You’ll get so hot you’ll drench your sheets and see shit that isn’t real, and then eventually you won’t be able to breathe. Every time you try it’ll get harder and harder, and you’ll start to turn fucking blue, and it’ll be my fault for not cleaning! I’m not going to listen to you gasping for air, Erwin, or watching you cough up blood and drown in it, I’m not fucking doing it again, I can’t, I—
Levi cut himself off suddenly at that, turning away with a stricken, panicked expression on his face as if he’d just realized he’d said too much. He’d jerked his arms out of Erwin’s grasp by then too and was clenching his fists, but because he...well, he honestly looked to Erwin like he was about to cry, he couldn’t help but reach out to gently grasp his wrists again. He was trembling, Erwin felt then, but like before, he did not really resist, and instead just seemed frozen with his mouth hanging open while he took deep breaths.
“Levi, listen to me.” Erwin said then, sounding as serious and reassuring as he could. “You’ve done an excellent job. Very few others are going to get sick; the cases are already going down and everyone is quarantined. This place is spotless thanks to you, and you’ve made it so that it’s impossible for me to catch it. I’m eating healthy because of what you bring me, and I’m not going outside either. There’s no dirt around, and even if I do get sick, the worst that will happen is some diarrhea and a day of chills. No one has died, or even come close. This is just a mild winter flu, and it will pass for most of us and everything will be okay. You’ve seen to that, and I can’t thank you enough, but it’s time for you to take care of yourself too. Do you understand?”
For a moment, Erwin feared that Levi actually wouldn’t understand, for he had obviously been listening but didn't immediately react. He’d stopped shaking though, Erwin felt, which was good, but the fearful look in his eyes hadn’t yet gone away. For that reason, Erwin was compelled to reach up with one hand so that he could cup his cheek, intending to gently coax him to stare at him again instead of the floor. When he did so, however, the cloth over Levi’s face — which he’d been wearing that entire time, of course — slipped down a little and actually began to fall off, allowing Erwin to not only see Levi’s full visage for the first time in weeks, but something else that caused a fresh twinge of pain to shoot straight through his vulnerable heart.
Levi’s lips, he saw, were almost as bad as his hands: torn, bitten, and dotted with dried blood here and there, clearly because of how Levi must have been chewing on them from anxiety.
“Oh, Levi.” He couldn’t help but say then, aching to comfort him, to ease his pain, to take care of him so badly at that point that there was nothing he could have done to stop himself: leaning over, he wrapped his arms around Levi and pulled him into a hug.
He held him to his chest, gently, and placed a hand over the back of his head, and although for a brief moment he did fear that Levi was going to rear back and punch him in the face, he actually didn’t. Instead, he just stiffened when it happened, like he was surprised, and didn’t move — at least until another few seconds had passed and he just...he suddenly just melted. He slumped against Erwin, in fact, so heavily that it nearly knocked him off balance, and then pressed his face into his neck, winding his own arms around Erwin’s middle so that he could grab onto the back of his shirt and grasp it tightly.
For a while after that, they just stayed still, and Erwin was almost afraid to even breath. He could barely believe it; he had Levi where he had wanted to put him from the beginning — in his arms — and he had not only allowed it, he had purposefully sought comfort from it. That was amazing in Erwin’s mind, firstly because it meant that he had broken through Levi’s shell and he was now going to accept Erwin’s concern, and secondly because...well, he was holding Levi in an embrace. Everything about it, his warmth, his smell, the softness of his hair underneath his hand, made his own heart pound with wonder and excitement, but obviously, now wasn’t really the time for lingering on that kind of thing.
Still, he kept him close as long as Levi allowed it, only loosening his hold when Levi shifted a bit and stopped holding onto Erwin’s shirt with an unbreakable death grip. He pulled away slightly too, and when Erwin glanced down at him, he wasn’t looking at him again — this time, though, he suspected that it was because he was embarrassed. His entire face was red, in fact, and he swallowed thickly before finally managing to speak.
“Sorry.” He mumbled. “Sorry, I—
“You don’t need to apologize, Levi.” Erwin interrupted him, because in his mind, it was true, especially after reflecting on the things that Levi had let slip when he was ranting.
Clearly, he had lost someone to an illness, he thought then, because his description of what might happen to Erwin was rather specific, and he’d used the word ‘again.’ He wasn’t only talking about him but someone else, and because, Erwin realized then, he also knew something about how losing an important person could lead to obsession, he wondered if he could use his experience to get Levi to open up more. Perhaps if he did that then Erwin could really help him to deal with this, but...he hadn’t told anyone about his father since he’d been a boy. Obviously, he didn’t plan on explaining to Levi in great detail, because he only wanted to show Levi that he understood his pain.
Could he trust him, though? Of course he could, he thought then, he was sure of it. But would it cause Levi to regret telling Erwin, so that he would then shut down all over again? There was only one way to find out, and he supposed there was no better time to try than now.
“You know…” He started then, swallowing and finding himself reaching down to gently hold onto Levi’s hand — honestly more for him in that second than Levi. “When I was a boy, I lost my father. It was because of me, and I’ve done so many foolish, reckless things since then to try to make it up to him that I can’t even count. It can be hard not to be haunted by it, but you can’t destroy yourself like this Levi, especially when it wouldn’t even be your fault if I got sick.”
Erwin watched Levi as he spoke, and could see that he was taking in what he said. He listened, his expression finally soft and not tense or aggravated, and although for a moment after he finished Erwin thought he was going to reject his attempt to relate, he eventually did nod, and looked down at his lap with a hint of sorrow in his eyes.
“Yeah.” He just said — a single word, Erwin thought, that somehow captured so much.
For a moment, they were silent together, basking in the heartache and anguish that never seemed to completely disappear when a loved one was lost. To Erwin, however, it seemed much more bearable than it had in a long time because he suddenly had someone to share in it with, and he could only hope that Levi felt the same. It comforted him somehow and he wanted Levi to feel that too, although he wasn’t done trying to make things better for him just yet. No, he hadn’t forgotten the state of Levi’s hands and mouth, and there was no way he was going to let him leave until he had taken care of it. After all, Levi had spent the last two weeks taking care of him, and the absolute least thing that he could do was return the effort.
“Let me help you with your hands.” He said then, standing up so that he could pull Levi to his feet too.
He stood there, watching as Erwin walked over to push his couch closer to the fireplace, right before he found matches so that he could light the wood already stacked inside of it. Then, he put a pot of water on to heat and placed a blanket over Levi’s shoulders, directing him to sit and to stay there while he went to get supplies. Rather than protesting at this point Levi just accepted the care and obeyed him wordlessly, slumping down onto the couch but very obviously watching to make sure that Erwin covered his face before leaving. Considering that the last thing Erwin wanted to do was worry him more at that point, he made sure to, and found his way outside of his office and down the hall to the supply room.
There, he moved as fast as he could to get everything he needed to perform first aid, as well as some balm for Levi’s lips, and walked back to his office. By that time the fire had gotten going somewhat and the water was hot enough for him to make Levi some tea, and once that was all settled, he kneeled down in front of Levi and began to take care of his hands. First, he dabbed the wounds with an alcohol drenched swab and then washed them in warm water only tinged with a mild soap, gently cleaning his small fingers one by one and being extra careful around the blisters on his palms. Once finished with that, he dried them and then applied some healing cream, and lotion, and finally wrapped them up loosely with some fresh bandages after massaging all of that into his hands.
Needless to say, he took his time while doing so, both because he didn’t want to cause Levi any more pain than necessary and because...well, even though it wasn’t about anything else, he wanted to savor each and every touch, unable to help from cataloguing nearly every aspect of Levi’s hands while he had the opportunity. They were beautiful, he thought, and strong, scarred in some places but remarkably smooth and soft in others despite what he did. Those hands could cause him to melt into a puddle if they wanted to or kill him in an instant, but for now they were just pliable to his touch, so much so that perhaps Erwin did linger longer than he should have before he finished bandaging them up.
If Levi noticed, though, he didn’t say anything about it or make any move to stop him, because on the contrary, he seemed to find Erwin’s ministrations relaxing once they'd gotten past the stinging alcohol part. His breathing became deeper and more even, in fact, and his eyelids — already drooping at the start because he was obviously exhausted — actually closed completely by the end of things. For one second, Erwin thought he might have honestly fallen asleep, but then he finished his bandaging and Levi cracked them back open when he moved. He allowed Erwin to dab his lips with alcohol but then applied the balm himself, shifting so that he could then take his teacup and carefully have a sip.
Beside him, Erwin got settled on the couch and stared into the fire, ending up about two feet away from Levi in an effort to give him some space. He suspected that he may need it after everything that had just happened, as it had obviously been emotional for him and Erwin knew how he struggled to open up — much less exhibit that much vulnerability — although he did feel glad that Levi was apparently comfortable enough around him to do so. Still, he figured he would probably want to go soon and hopefully get some rest, but to his surprise, after another few moments of comfortable silence, Levi spoke up after setting his cup down.
“It was my mother.” He said quietly, causing Erwin to look over at him with slightly widened eyes.
Like him, Levi now sat staring into the fire with a bit of a pensive expression, but because of their earlier conversation — as well as the fact that Levi’s voice was full of emotion, even more than he’d exhibited before — Erwin obviously knew exactly what he’d meant without having to ask.
“I’m sorry.” He said in response, because he was sorry.
He was sorry that Levi had to go through losing his mother, and sorry about the circumstances — details that Levi went on to reveal that made it that much worse.
“I was a kid. She just got fucking sick and....didn’t get better.” Levi continued, making Erwin’s heart ache. “I tried to take care of her, but I didn’t know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I’d done it better, or if I’d listened to her and—
“No.” Erwin interrupted with vehemence. “You were only a child.”
“But she was always telling me to do my fucking chores. It was my job to clean up, but I hated that shit and just wanted to play outside. I always blew it off because I was a brat, and then one day she was dead.”
“Levi, it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known, and you were just acting like any normal boy would. I wasn’t much better, if it helps. I couldn’t keep a secret if my life depended on it, and it caused my father a lot of trouble.” Erwin tried to offer Levi a smile, but it was admittedly a bit sad — both because of Levi’s story, and also because despite how he had put it very, very mildly, his inability to keep his mouth shut was the reason that his father had died.
Regardless, his comment seemed to perk Levi up a bit. He snorted, in fact, and then bit his lip, and looked over at Erwin with a very soft and open expression on his face.
“Whatever.” He said then. “Thanks.”
“Of course, Levi. If this ever happens again, please know that you can come talk to me at any time, alright?”
“Yeah. My mother...she was just…well, she took care of me, even though we didn’t have shit.”
“I’m sure you miss her.”
Levi nodded and then opened his mouth to say more, but ended up pausing, suddenly seeming a bit hesitant to actually keep going.
“You can tell me about her, if you’d like.” Erwin said then, hoping to encourage him to continue if that was what he wanted to do.
If he didn’t, that was fine too, but he didn’t want Levi to hesitate because he assumed that Erwin didn’t care to hear it or something like that, although truthfully, he still almost expected Levi to say no. They’d talked a lot already and Levi had been more open that night than Erwin could have ever imagined, but after all, that didn’t automatically mean he was ready to tell Erwin everything. To his surprise, however — and despite how Levi did not respond verbally right away — Levi stared at him for another silent second or two and then suddenly scooted over, moving until his thigh was touching Erwin’s on the couch. Then, he twisted so that he could take Erwin’s arm and wrap it around his own shoulders, adjusting himself further so that his head was resting back up against his bicep.
At that point, Erwin was so in awe of what had just happened that he almost didn’t hear Levi speak next, as his heart had swollen with warmth and was pounding so hard that it was a wonder Levi didn’t notice it himself.
“This okay?” He just asked Erwin, looking up at Erwin hesitantly, almost shyly, when his surprise kept him from immediately answering, only to glance back at the fire almost as fast as he could after Erwin ended up smiling widely in affirmation.
“Yes.” He said too, because obviously, it was true. “Of course.”
If Levi wanted to be closer to him, if he was comfortable enough now to seek solace like this, then of course he was going to allow it. Of course he was going to tighten his arm around Levi’s shoulders too, and shift even closer to share his warmth, and gently caress his arm with his thumb soothingly. He wanted to bury his face in his dark hair too because he was close enough to smell it and he smelled so good, but he resisted, knowing that this wasn’t the time for such thoughts despite how Levi’s actions made him curious. Still, he felt a bit like he was floating, and although yes, Levi’s next words and this entire situation was tinged with an undercurrent of sadness, he couldn’t help but feel touched when it became apparent that Levi trusted him enough to continue telling him about his mother.
“Her name was Kuchel.” He said then, in fact, after letting out a small sigh. “She was a prostitute. We didn’t have a lot of shit, but she always made sure I never went hungry.”
Erwin swallowed and then frowned — watching Levi to make sure that he wouldn’t see it, however — experiencing a sad pang at the difficult childhood Levi had clearly had in the Underground, and what his mother must have gone through to take care of him.
“She had black hair like me.” Levi continued, as Erwin listened. “Her eyes were the same color as mine too, I think. Her favorite color was red, and she laughed a lot. She also liked tea, and flowers. They were fucking rare down there, but I always brought them to her if I was able to find them.”
Erwin’s frown now turned into a small smile, as despite the situation, he was unable to keep himself from imagining a very small Levi bringing wild flowers to a faceless dark haired woman. In his mind, she clapped her hands together in delight and hugged her little boy — a thought that caused him to almost unconsciously pull Levi even closer into him, wanting, then, to show him that he was loved and cared for just like he had been then, and far, far more than that and in many other ways too.
“She cherished them, I’m sure.” He just said though, murmuring the words with a smile as he squeezed Levi’s shoulder.
After that, Levi was quiet and still for a long while, presumably thinking about his mother, about other memories or emotions that were special to him that he perhaps didn’t want to say out loud. Erwin just sat there while he did so, of course, saying nothing and letting his presence beside Levi be quiet and supporting, allowing him to take as much or as little comfort as he needed. He dared to ever so slightly rub at Levi’s upper back again with his palm a few moments later, however, which — although he’d thought it was subtle — suddenly caused Levi to snap out of his reverie.
True enough, he turned his head to look up at Erwin again a split second later, fidgeting slightly and wearing a questioning look on his face that caused Erwin to raise an eyebrow. Had he just done something wrong? Had he overstepped his bounds, and touched Levi one time too many? For a moment, that was what he’d thought, and he assumed that Levi was about to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing while throwing off his arm. Just before Erwin could open his mouth to preemptively apologize, however, it became apparent that Levi must have actually been thinking the opposite. He must have been wondering the same thing that Erwin had been the entire time, in fact, asking himself if it was alright to get closer, or if he should even dare.
The realization hit Erwin when Levi began to move again, as however Levi had posed the question to himself, he’d apparently found the answer he’d needed either in Erwin’s face, or in his welcoming body language, for the curious expression he’d been wearing abruptly disappeared and turned into something more settled. After that, he fidgeted once more, and then very quickly shifted position so that he could lean further into Erwin’s side and rest his head right on top of his chest. He didn’t go so far as to wind his arm around his middle or anything like that, but he rested his hand just below his heart and went still again, curled inward toward Erwin in a position of complete comfort and trust.
“You know what else I remember about her?” Levi murmured then, swallowing thickly before he continued, and before Erwin could barely even get a grip on what had just happened. “She was always warm, all the time. Like…like you.”
At that, Erwin again found himself practically stunned. Had he heard Levi right? He had, judging by the way the tips of his ears seemed to be turning red, although Erwin had to admit that his own face felt a bit hot too. Of course, it wasn’t from embarrassment or anything like that though, not at all. Instead, it was just from the immense amount of feeling that Levi’s words had brought up — gratification, wonder, and affection — as well as the fact that he had just cuddled up closer to Erwin all of a sudden as if it was nothing. He fit so well against him like that, Erwin marveled, like he belonged there, although the press of his body made it difficult for him not to imagine how good Levi might feel like this while he kissed him, too.
Would he ever have the chance? To be honest, this entire interaction made him more hopeful than he probably had any right to be — he wasn’t even actually sure he deserved anything like that from Levi anyway — but obviously, he knew better than to act on it then. He also didn’t feel like he should press his lips to the top of Levi’s head like he wanted to, or reach up and over with his free hand to cup his cheek and brush his thumb over the side of his face either. Still, he did tighten his arm around him to draw him even closer over his chest, allowing himself to at least let his chin rest on top of Levi’s head before he opened his mouth to respond.
“Well, that’s quite the compliment.” He said, because it was true.
He didn’t take what Levi had just said to him lightly, not only because it showed how much Levi did, in fact, trust him, but because he knew Levi’s mother was someone special to him, someone that he wouldn’t just compare any other person to like it was nothing. That was what made it so meaningful to Erwin, but it also made him wonder how often Levi had ever even had the opportunity to make the comparison. How long had it been since he’d last been held like this, he asked himself, or been comforted with this amount of compassion, patience, and care? He couldn’t know, and he obviously wouldn’t dare to ask, not when just the one sentence Levi had uttered had caused him to become quite flustered enough on its own.
“Yeah, well…” Levi mumbled, in fact, sounding a bit strained and squirming — not to get away or anything like that, though — as he spoke. “Don’t let it go to your fucking head though.”
“I would never.” Erwin replied, smiling at the statement and resisting the urge to chuckle.
Levi’s awkwardness was...well, completely endearing to him for some reason, although he would never say anything about it even while Levi continued.
“And you’d better forget about this shit in the morning, got it?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t want you thinking you can just crawl all over me whenever you want to.”
“I would never think that. I promise.”
“Good.”
“Although...I don’t mind you crawling all over me like this, if you ever need it again.”
Erwin couldn’t help it; he just wanted Levi to know that he could come to him again if he ever wanted comfort, or even just a hug . Levi’s response, while not an outright acceptance of that, wasn’t necessarily a refusal either, as he made a self-conscious sort of noise that Erwin could not quite identify — something like part groan, part sigh, and part an admonishing click of his tongue, all of it muffled into the fabric of Erwin’s shirt. Whatever it was, it caused Erwin to let out a small laugh, although after that the two of them went silent again. This time, it stayed that way, as it was late and the warmth from the fire and Levi’s body beside him was making Erwin quite sleepy. He knew that Levi was probably feeling the same or worse after all that he’d gone through, and true enough, it wasn’t much longer before Erwin realized that he had already fallen asleep.
He could tell because Levi’s breath had become more deep, more even, and his body felt more loose, relaxed, and basically limp against his side than it had been the entire time before that. Erwin could feel his chest rising and falling slowly and was then able to get a peek of his face, quietly taking in his slackened expression — finally free of a scowl or any hints of worry between his thin eyebrows — and how his black lashes looked resting against the pale cheeks underneath them. The fire gave them a slight glow, Erwin noticed, and he just looked so peaceful and calm that after weeks of watching him slowly unraveling at the seams, he could not even begin to bear the idea of moving him.
Erwin didn’t want to wake him up, especially when he had been practically begging Levi to get some sleep for days, but he also didn’t know how Levi felt about resting all night like...well, like this , in Erwin’s arms and on his couch. Still, he had felt comfortable enough to let himself drift off there in the first place, Erwin thought with no small amount of pleasure, and so after deciding to take the risk, he very gently, very carefully moved Levi so that he was lying on his side on the cushions. It was easier to lean him over and lift his legs up while crawling behind him instead of hauling him along, Erwin found, and because Levi still had the blanket wrapped around him, all he had to do was lift the edge and tug at it a bit to get it to cover them both.
Now, Erwin found himself lying on his side, horizontal, with Levi’s back pressed against his front, and despite all of the shifting, Levi thankfully only stirred enough to roll over — apparently dead set on sleeping against Erwin’s chest no matter what. Obviously, Erwin was not going to complain about that, and so instead he just wrapped his arms around Levi once more, unable to resist pressing his face into his hair a bit for a few seconds, and gradually joined Levi in sleep with a small smile still gracing his lips over the whole scenario. For once, he stayed that way throughout the rest of the night and did not wake up with his mind racing at any point, nor was he plagued by any of the usual nightmares or terrible feelings of dread in his dreams.
He only stirred, in fact, once it was well past dawn the next morning, and only after gradually becoming aware of movement beside him and then the feel of a hand running through his hair — a wonderful, soothing sensation that had him almost unconsciously tilting his head towards the fingers without even thinking about what or who they belonged to. Next, however, he felt what seemed like something brushing up against his cheek, something that he only realized after they were gone was a pair of lips, pressed against his skin very lightly in what was surely...well, thanks. Levi had kissed him, he understood all of a sudden, wrenching both of his eyes open wide and lifting his head up from the couch, just in time to see Levi’s foot disappear through the door before he shut it behind him.
For a second, Erwin could only stare, but then he lifted a hand to touch the still tingling skin on his cheek and smiled, blessedly flush with the feeling that everything — at least with the flu, and Levi — was going to be alright.