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Naruto stared out at the darkened town lying like a glittering jewel in the abyss of the night. He rested his forehead on the windowpane, his breath fogging up the glass.
Finally, it was over.
The trial had ended, and Sasuke had gotten his sentence.
Though some powerful people had vouched for execution on the grounds that Sasuke was unreliable, they couldn’t deny the fact that killing a young man for a choice that had been made at an early age and at a time of strong emotional turmoil, did not stand to reason.
Especially not when Sasuke even helped them win the war.
Naruto wisely shut up about the fact that Sasuke had helped them win the war largely for his own gain. Though his reasons had been well-meaning in a twisted sort of way, Naruto had a feeling that telling anyone about it would only increase their bad opinions about Sasuke.
Sasuke didn’t mention any of this either. In fact, he barely uttered a word during the entire, year-long trial. He only spoke if he really had to. Since his eyes had been covered for the entire trial and, actually, for the entire duration of his year of imprisonment, Naruto hadn’t been able to gauge his inner condition well.
Sasuke moved with pride and poise, as always, as though nothing affected him, but Naruto knew that the only way to really tell how Sasuke was feeling, was to look into his eyes. Even when everything else about him; his words, his body language, his face, feigned lack of care or interest, his eyes couldn’t lie. Not to Naruto, at least.
Naruto closed his eyes for a moment in an attempt to close out the memories. This past year had just been one long parade of torture. Every day he woke up fearing the worst. Every night he went to bed with a knot in his stomach so big it threatened to consume him.
Getting Sasuke back to Konoha was supposed to feel good. It was supposed to be a triumph. But upon coming back to Konoha, Naruto realized it might have been a mistake.
He also realized that the only reason Sasuke had come back was because he had thought that he would die at the hands of Konoha.
To Naruto it was unthinkable to lose him. If Sasuke left this world, then Naruto might as well… He might as well…
Naruto straightened up and dried his face with the back of his hand. He needed to get his thoughts off all of that. It was over now. Sasuke was safe. He was on probation, but he was behaving well and adhered to the rules.
Everything seemed to be looking up.
So why didn’t Naruto feel any relief?
He poured himself a glass of water and drank it to get his mind onto other things. It didn’t work. All he could think of was Sasuke alone in that empty, quiet house of his, watching the time pass without anything to make it bearable.
Nothing was worse for a young shinobi trained for nothing but battle and death, than having absolutely nothing to do. Naruto knew that. And who knew what Sasuke might be busying his mind with when there was nothing else to do and no one else around to distract him?
After Naruto discovered that emptiness in Sasuke – an emptiness different from the one he himself carried because Sasuke seemed to think there was no salvation for him – he’d never, not once, stopped fearing that Sasuke would leave him again... perhaps forever.
It would just be too easy… The guards that watched him day and night were there to protect others from him, not to protect Sasuke. They wouldn’t care less if he harmed himself.
Naruto slammed the glass down on the table and ran a hand through his hair, tousling it even more.
Why couldn’t he stop thinking about this? He was too fixated on it… But the more he thought about it, the more convinced he got that Sasuke was up to something.
He couldn’t sit around wondering about it anymore: he had to check.
He flew across the quiet town on light, restless feet, jumping from roof to roof with long strides. After months and months of sitting around waiting for a verdict, he had a lot of energy to burn up. He landed on the roof of Sasuke’s house with such force that the four anbu guards that were on duty came running, weapons flashing, before Naruto had even straightened up.
Once he stood they lowered their weapons.
“Naruto. What are you doing here?” a man with a tiger mask said.
“I just wanted to see him,” Naruto said before he realized that it was the middle of the night and that he sounded exactly as desperate as he was. “I… uh… I have something for him. Something he, um, dropped.”
He could practically hear the eyebrows lifting.
“You don’t need a reason to be here. I just thought there was something urgent,” the tiger mask said.
Then the guards scattered as quickly as they had appeared and Naruto stood there alone.
Now he felt foolish for overreacting and rushing over in the middle of the night without a proper reason.
He felt around in his pockets for some excuse for why he was there. His hand closed around cold metal and he felt his heart jolt into his throat. It was either this or admitting that he had come there for no reason whatsoever.
Either way, he doubted that Sasuke would be happy to be awakened at this hour. Naruto could go home, but… well, he was here already.
-----
Sasuke woke up with a jolt at a loud commotion from the roof. He heard muted voices. For a second he thought he heard Naruto’s obnoxious voice. But shortly after silence reigned once more and he wondered if he’d dreamt it all.
He sat up on his futon. The room was slightly chilly. The window was open wide, despite the fact that it was nearing winter.
It was a full moon. Its light shone brightly into his room as though a floodlight had been pointed straight at his window. In a short moment, a memory flashed past. A memory of a bright light pointed directly into his face, burning his eyes. Being forced to keep his eyes open by cold hands so that someone could…
He groaned softly, feeling suddenly sick.
There was no point in trying to go back to sleep.
He got up and padded on bare feet over the cold, polished wooden floors in the darkness, his eyes so unusually unaccustomed to the lack of light that he nearly stumbled at the top of the stairs.
He poured himself a glass of water in the kitchen and gulped it down in one go. He stood there for a moment. Going back to bed wasn’t tempting, but sleep was his only escape nowadays. Every moment he was awake, he just felt more and more trapped. It felt like Konoha’s walls loomed tall and dark up around him until they blocked out all light.
With slow, reluctant steps, he went back upstairs.
He was so deep in thought that at first he didn’t notice the person kneeling on the windowsill. When he finally did notice, he startled ever so slightly, and it didn’t go unnoticed by his visitor.
“Have you gotten jumpier on your older days?” Naruto said with a small chuckle.
Sasuke hadn’t heard Naruto’s voice since the trials, and hadn’t seen him since…long before that. In the poor lighting it was difficult to make out Naruto’s features, but he could recognize that strong, lean body and that careless posture anywhere.
“What are you doing here?” Sasuke said calmly, trying as best he could to keep any emotions from showing in his voice.
Naruto shrugged. “Just thought I’d drop by…”
He fidgeted a bit, his hands toying with something that looked like a piece of cloth.
“I wanted to give you this,” he said with sudden determination.
He stood and thrust the thing he’d been holding towards Sasuke. Sasuke just stared down at Naruto’s hand, first in confusion, but as he saw the glint of the metal piece attached to the worn, dark fabric, a feeling as cold as ice seeped in.
Instead of grabbing the proffered headband, he turned away.
Naruto stood for a moment in the same position before he slowly lowered his arm.
“It’s-“ he started saying, but Sasuke interrupted him.
“I know what it is. Why are you trying to give that to me?”
“I just… I thought…”
“You thought,” Sasuke snorted. “When have you ever been capable of thinking, Naruto?”
He didn’t need to turn around to see the hurt expression on Naruto’s face. He could picture it perfectly in his mind.
“I… I just thought that…” Naruto trailed off. He sounded wounded, though he tried to cover it with anger.
“Stop it,” Sasuke said coldly. “Stop trying to act like nothing happened. We can’t go back to how it was before.”
When Naruto remained silent, Sasuke turned halfway towards him, enough to see him turn away, head lowered. His hand was fisted around the headband.
“That time is long gone,” Sasuke said.
Naruto remained motionless for another tense breath, his shoulders hunched up, his face hidden in shadows.
“Maybe that’s true,” he said at last, his voice low. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t start over-“
“Stop it!” Sasuke snapped. “I’m tired of this! You always want things your way. Well, you got what you wanted. I’m here. Now stop bothering me.”
“But I –“
Sasuke moved so quickly that Naruto was interrupted mid-sentence when Sasuke shoved him so hard that he almost fell out the window, but he managed to grab onto the window frame at the last moment.
Sasuke grabbed the front of Naruto’s shirt and pulled him close. “You can’t have everything. I won’t be miraculously repaired like all your other charity cases. So give it the fuck up.”
He pushed Naruto one more time. He fell right out the window and landed with a loud thump on the lawn below.
Sasuke wasn’t overly concerned that Naruto had gotten hurt, but despite it he still looked out the window to check. The anbu guards had rushed to his aid, but Naruto declined their help and got to his feet on his own. He looked up at Sasuke with an unfathomable expression that worried Sasuke more than any anger could. Then he turned away and ran off without a single word.
-----
Naruto was still seething when he arrived at his own apartment. He slammed the door shut and immediately regretted it when he remembered that it was the middle of the night and that the old man down the hall had a bad temper.
He waited in complete silence for a good minute before he deemed it safe to breathe out. He wanted to kick something, but he couldn’t unless he wanted to give his neighbors an even better reason to get mad at him. Maybe he should have gone to one of the training grounds…
He face planted on the bed and groaned in frustration.
He couldn’t be bothered to go anywhere right now. He just wanted to wallow in annoyance for a while.
Stupid Sasuke… Why did he always have to be so… so…
He groaned again.
So mean.
Would it really have hurt him to accept the headband? What was the problem, anyway?
Naruto rolled over onto his back. He fished the headband out of his pocket and for a moment he just stared at it. He had spent far too much time looking at that shiny surface and the ugly claw mark that marred it, wondering where Sasuke was, what he was doing, what he was thinking…
Such a waste of time.
Sasuke obviously hadn’t offered Naruto, or anyone else in Konoha, one single thought. He didn’t even care enough to bother talking to Naruto.
Naruto threw the headband and it hit the wall with a satisfying sound.
Honestly, though…
Naruto stared up at the ceiling and the faded glowing stars there.
Honestly, he hadn’t expected Sasuke to show much gratitude. He hadn’t wanted to come back, but Naruto, in his stubborn conviction, had refused to let him go. At the time he had been convinced that Sasuke didn’t know his own good, but he hadn’t realized, or maybe he’d refused to see, that in the end, Sasuke knew better than anyone else what was best for him.
Naruto ran the tips of his fingers, light as feathers, over his chest where Sasuke once had shoved his entire hand through him.
In the beginning it had hurt. Not just physically (because it had hurt like hell) but it had hurt his feelings too, and that pain had lingered for much longer than the physical pain. But after a while Naruto realized that he either could feel sorry for himself about it, or he could admit that had he only let Sasuke go instead of being so determined to steer his life in a certain direction, then it would never have come to that.
If he’d just managed to let Sasuke go…
He’d never been very good at that.
Maybe it was about time he changed that. If he really… really… loved…
He dried away the tears that had started flowing.
Fuck.
If he really loved him… then he would let him go.
Clenching his jaw in determination, Naruto nodded to himself.
No matter what, barring his own feelings, he would see to it that Sasuke got to leave Konoha on friendly terms. If that was what Sasuke really wanted; if that was the only way to give his life meaning, then Naruto would be more than willing to help him do it.
-----
When Sasuke didn’t see Naruto again for a week, he realized that he must have finally managed to get his point across to him.
Good riddance.
Then another week passed by, and another, and Naruto still hadn’t shown his face.
Sasuke told himself he was relieved.
He almost believed it too.
But when a month had passed, he had to admit to himself that he missed Naruto. After all, there was no one else to talk to in this rotten village. Sakura hadn’t made one single attempt to contact him and Sasuke couldn’t blame her.
At least she had finally taken to her senses and let him be alone.
He supposed he should be grateful that Naruto had come to his senses too and finally let him be. Sasuke would only drag him down.
Still, he couldn’t stop hoping… Somewhere inside his dark ruin of a soul, there was a useless little seed of hope that somehow made him, every night, go up onto the roof to watch, just in case…
Just in case Naruto came back.
It took him a lot to admit that to himself, but when he sat there freezing for the twenty-seventh night in a row, he couldn’t fool himself into believing he just enjoyed watching the stars anymore.
Fuck.
He had really fucked up.
He had chased Naruto away. Naruto. Technically, that should be impossible. But he had managed it. Honestly, he deserved a medal.
On that twenty-seventh night, Sasuke decided that he had to crush that last, little hope – which was easy since it was barely alive anymore – and forget about Naruto. It should be a relief, really. Finally, he was free of those damned shackles that tied him to Konoha. Now he could focus on other things, like how he was going to survive for the duration of time it took him to get the fuck out of this hell-hole.
He had no plans of escaping.
No, that would mean a life on the run, which was not an option.
But he had other options. A ninja with his bloodline limit and his abilities wouldn’t be kept stowed away for eternity. The fact that he was on probation rather than in jail was a sign that someone saw some use in him. If he was on his best behavior and showed Konoha that he had changed, then he could be out of there in a couple of years.
Until then, all he needed to do was to keep his sanity.
-----
Sometimes Naruto felt like he’d fall apart if someone didn’t hold him together. At times he felt so alone. He longed for some kind of connection… But his one and only kiss still remained Sasuke’s. It was unfair, really, that back when they couldn’t stand each other, they had gotten closer than they were now. At this point, kissing Sasuke seemed like a bizarre dream.
Naruto had tried to imagine how it would be to kiss Sakura or Ino or even Hinata. Ever since the war ended and he’d started settling and becoming a bit more mature and thinking more seriously about his future, he’d felt like he lacked something.
When he told his friends this, Sai had, in his usual abrupt manner, suggested that he should get laid. Naruto hadn’t stopped blushing for half an hour afterwards. Sakura had tempered Sai’s blunt suggestion by saying that maybe it was about time he found a girlfriend (and then she started nudging Hinata who, for some reason, had become red as a tomato).
After that Naruto had started trying to figure out who he’d like to have as a girlfriend, and eventually arrived at the conclusion that he had no idea.
He’d thought about kissing different girls, but it never felt right. For some reason, though, he’d started thinking more and more about Sasuke. He realized how much Sasuke had always occupied his thoughts. Much more than any girl he’d fancied himself in love with. Much more than Sakura.
He’d never thought much about it before. He’d thought it was natural seeing as Sasuke was his friend and Naruto worried about him.
But now that Sasuke was so close that Naruto could visit him anytime he wanted to, why was his mind more consumed with thoughts of Sasuke than ever?
Naruto had slowly come to terms with all of that during the past year, but it hadn’t been easy to admit to himself that he was in love with his best friend.
Naruto rolled over in bed. He’d been lying awake, his head teeming with annoying thoughts, for what seemed like hours. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at the full moon that peeked out behind a thin veil of clouds.
He thought about kissing Sasuke. About running his hands over pale skin roughened by innumerable battles. He’d seen some of Sasuke’s scars, but he warranted there were many more, crisscrossing his body as a continual reminder of triumph and failure alike.
Naruto touched his own, unblemished arm and wondered what it felt like… to touch a scar, kiss it…
He buried his face in his pillow and released a frustrated sigh.
He was as helplessly in love with Sasuke now as he’d been six years ago. All those years ago he hadn’t known it, but now he did and it put his feelings into a more understandable context. For six years the feelings he had for Sasuke had been constant, the pain of separation never yielding, and the elation of reunion as strong every time.
There was little hope for that to change at this point.
For how many more years would he have to go on torturing himself like this?
As he lay there, wallowing in pain, he eventually came to the conclusion that there was no way he could hold his own promise this time; he couldn’t just let Sasuke go, not without at least trying to talk to him again.
-----
After one month and five days, Sasuke had eventually resigned to his fate.
That was of course when Naruto decided to barge in again.
And barge he did.
Sasuke had been enjoying a simple meal in comfortable silence when the front door flew up and Naruto appeared in the kitchen doorway.
Sasuke didn’t have time to do more than blink before Naruto drew in a deep breath, which was all the warning Sasuke got before Naruto spoke in a volume and with a fierceness that suggested he’d been thinking about this confrontation since Sasuke’s rejection over a month ago. “This is bullshit, and you know it!”
“Naruto…” Sasuke stood so that he was on the same eye level as Naruto. “What are you talking about?”
“Us!” Naruto came closer to Sasuke, so close that Sasuke almost took one step away from him. Almost.
Naruto continued. “You said that we couldn’t be like before. Well, screw that. I don’t want us to be like before. I don’t want to repair you either. I just… I want to be able to talk to you and be near you, okay?! I think of you as my… as…”
He broke off and dragged one hand over his face.
“Listen… Naruto…” Sasuke drew out the syllables of Naruto’s name in that way that he knew, somehow, got to Naruto. He placed one hand on Naruto’s chest and applied pressure, but not enough to push Naruto away. He took a step closer so that their faces were uncomfortably close together. He had intended to intimidate Naruto, but he should have known it wouldn’t work.
Instead something else happened. Sasuke couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that happened, but suddenly a new kind of tension grew between them. A hot, cloying feeling that made Sasuke want to get as far away from Naruto as possible, and yet…
He realized that instead of backing down, Naruto was pressing closer to him. Sasuke met Naruto’s eyes, though something was screaming at him from the back of his mind not to. It was inevitable.
And there it was. That spark that he usually just felt when he was in the most intense part of a battle with Naruto. Only now that spark carried less anger and more…
Sasuke was the first to break eye contact, but as he turned away, Naruto grabbed his shoulder.
“Wait… Sasuke…”
“Don’t touch me,” Sasuke said with more venom than he had intended. Why was it that when Naruto touched him, it felt like he would combust?
Naruto let go of him immediately.
“Please, wait…” he said. “Don’t brush me off before I’ve said what I need to say.”
Sasuke knew he would regret it, yet he complied with Naruto’s wish.
Naruto took a deep breath before he spoke. “We’re linked to each other, somehow. We can’t be apart. It’s not right. I know you feel that way too, because you wanted to fight me as much as I wanted to fight you. And when we fought… I know you saw and felt the same things as I did. We were one for a moment, and…”
Sasuke turned away, but Naruto grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around so that they had to face each other.
“It felt great, didn’t it?” Naruto said. “It was like I felt whole for the first time…”
“And then we woke up with our arms torn off,” Sasuke spat. “Grow up, Naruto.”
He twisted out of Naruto’s hands and escaped into the bathroom where he sank down on the edge of the tub. He waited till he heard Naruto leave the house before he breathed out in relief. He had feared that Naruto would persist and keep talking through the door, but apparently he had grown up enough to realize when others needed space.
Sasuke rested his head in his hand and tried to not think about what Naruto had said. Why did he always have to stir things up? Why couldn’t he just leave things as they were?
Not for the first time, Sasuke seriously wondered if he’d survive Konoha for long enough to get away from there.
-----
Naruto knew he’d fucked up this time. Sasuke had looked… Naruto didn’t know how to explain it. He just knew how that look made him feel. It made him feel inadequate, because he had no idea how to help Sasuke. It made him feel… broken, because…
Something told him that Sasuke felt the same way as him, and yet he managed to refuse it so completely that it seemed like he believed it himself.
Naruto knew how much it hurt that Sasuke was rejecting their bond, but he could only try to imagine how much it hurt for Sasuke.
That was why he couldn’t give up.
But he had no idea how to proceed, so he did what any man in his position would do; he asked a woman.
“Usually, the best way to let someone know you like them, is by making a small gesture,” Sakura said. “You could send some flowers…”
Naruto grimaced. “Um… I don’t think that’s gonna go down well.”
Sakura looked puzzled, but after a moment of thought she said, “Then you could send a cute poem, or maybe bake a cake…”
“I can’t write, and I can’t cook. I’d probably just end up poisoning hi- err—them.”
He flashed Sakura a disarming grin when she gave him her imploring ‘I-know-something-weird-is-up’ gaze.
“What about a simple card, then? Just a ‘I love you’. Fair and square.”
Naruto pondered that. “I don’t know… It’s to the point, but I think I’d like to say that in person, when the time’s right.”
“Hm… Well, I’m out of ideas. But maybe Ino knows something. She’s an expert on love-stuff.”
“No! I mean… I think I’ll just… Think of something on my own.”
Sakura’s eyes narrowed. “What’s going on, Naruto? Why are you so secretive?”
“Oh…” he shrugged. “I just… It’s not… It’s probably not even gonna happen, so… You wouldn’t care either way, I bet, so there’s no need to-”
“Is it Hinata?”
“What!? No! No, that’s… Why would you think that?”
Sakura frowned. “Then… If it isn’t her…” She stared really hard at Naruto. “Is it Sai?”
Naruto gaped. “What… Sai?! Are you crazy?! He just makes fun of my dick all the time, who would want to...”
“So, it could be a guy then, since you didn’t protest that detail.”
Once again Naruto was speechless. “I, uh… How are you this smart?”
“But if you don’t have any problem with falling for a guy, then I guess that’s not why you’re secretive…”
“Sakura… I’m serious, it’s totally uninteresting who I’m-”
Suddenly Sakura looked straight at him, and Naruto knew that she knew even before she said it. “It’s Sasuke, isn’t it?”
Naruto put his face in his hands. “… Yeah.”
Sakura was quiet for a long moment before she sighed. “I should have known.”
Naruto peeked out from between his fingers. “So you’re not mad?”
“Why should I be mad?”
“I thought… You’ve been in love with him for so long…”
Sakura grimaced. “That was not love. I know what real love feels like now, and what I felt for Sasuke was not that.”
They were quiet for a while before Sakura said, “Does he… reciprocate?”
“I don’t know…”
She patted Naruto’s back. “You have my sympathies, then. It’s not easy to make the decision of risking ruining a friendship…” For a moment she looked a little sad, but then she smiled bravely.
Naruto took her hand. “Sakura…”
“Don’t look at me like that… I’m supposed to comfort you, remember?”
He rubbed her knuckles. “I guess it’s easier for me, though. There’s not much left to ruin… I’m just a coward, that’s all.”
“Shh,” Sakura said. “Don’t talk like that. You’re really brave, Naruto. You and Sasuke have a very complicated history, and Sasuke isn’t…” She shrugged. “He’s… been through a lot.”
Naruto nodded. “I know.”
“Be careful,” Sakura said. “Don’t push him too hard.”
“About that… I might…”
Sakura gave him a strict look. “You’ve pushed him too hard already, haven’t you?”
“Err… Maybe.”
Sakura sighed. “Now I understand why you didn’t want to send him a card. It’s not the kind of thing that would have impressed him. Hm…” She sank into thought, biting her bottom lip.
Naruto was hit by a sudden wish that he could have fallen in love with her. That he could have been satisfied with kissing her pink lips and holding her soft, small hand.
Although, Sakura’s hands were probably anything but soft, after all that hitting she did…
Still, it would have been so much simpler.
Why did everything have to be so complicated?
“Maybe you could try to soften him a bit with food?” Sakura said. “Isn’t there a saying that goes something like, ‘the way to a man’s heart goes through his stomach’?”
“I think that saying is directed more towards guys like me,” Naruto said with a lopsided grin.
Sakura chuckled. “Yeah, maybe. But look at it as a peace offering, then.”
Naruto considered it. “I guess I could try… At least I’ll have a good reason to visit him.”
-----
Sasuke leaned against the doorway of his front door. On the porch stood a moron with a stupid grin, proffering a plastic bag with unknown content at Sasuke’s face.
“So… You’ve finally learned to knock,” Sasuke said, not yet bothered to reach out and accept the bag.
Naruto pouted. “I’m sorry, okay? I just…” he trailed off, blushing ever so slightly. He came a step closer to Sasuke, nudging him with the plastic bag. “Come on, don’t be a dick. Accept my peace offering.”
Sasuke regarded the plastic bag with equal measures of curiosity and suspicion. Then he felt the mouthwatering scent that wafted out from the containers inside and despite everything he felt his resolve soften.
He stepped aside and, still holding the door open, motioned for Naruto to come inside. Naruto glanced at Sasuke as he brushed past, the doorway narrow enough that their chests nearly touched. Or maybe Naruto had done it on purpose to be annoying…
Naruto kicked off his shoes so that they ended up strewn on the floor. Sasuke picked them up and set them neatly next to his own before he followed Naruto into the kitchen.
Naruto looked at the plain room with only the bare minimum of furniture and for a moment he seemed lost for words.
“I, uh… I like what you’ve done with the place!” he said at last.
Sasuke grabbed the plastic bag from Naruto’s hand and their fingers brushed. He ignored the small zap of excitement at the contact.
“I haven’t done anything with it,” Sasuke said as he placed the two take away boxes on the table.
“Oh, okay…” Naruto plopped down on the floor beside the low table. “Well, I like it!”
Sasuke stared at him and narrowed his eyes.
Naruto touched his face. “What? Is there something on my face?”
“No, just the usual stupid.”
Naruto looked affronted for a moment, but immediately forgot the slight once his focus was redirected towards the food.
“This one’s yours. I think I remembered it correctly.”
Sasuke opened the box that according to the bold logo on the outside was from Ichiraku’s (no surprises there) and was overcome by not only the wonderful scent of the ramen, but also by long forgotten memories of times when team 7 had eaten together at Ichiraku’s after missions and he’d almost felt like he belonged somewhere.
He had to pause for a moment because the memories were so potent and he hadn’t expected… hadn’t thought he still remembered…
“So…?”
Sasuke looked up at Naruto. “Hm?”
“Was it the right type? The one you used to get?”
Sasuke nodded.
“Yay! I can’t believe I remembered that after all this time,” Naruto said and parted his chopsticks.
Sasuke ate slowly, savoring each bite (and also, though he hated to admit it, perhaps he was a bit too aware that Naruto was sitting right in front of him and, though his former teammate ate like a starved wolf, Sasuke couldn’t help but feel self conscious of how he looked when he ate in Naruto’s presence…)
Naruto was so enraptured with his food, though, that he probably wouldn’t have noticed if Sasuke started eating with his bare hands.
That was probably why Sasuke made the mistake of staring at Naruto.
Suddenly, he’d been lost in thought and the next thing he knew, Naruto was meeting his eyes with a puzzled expression.
“What?” Naruto said.
Sasuke arched his eyebrows in an attempt to appear unperturbed. “What?”
Naruto pursed his lips. “Why do you eat so prettily?”
“Why do you eat like a dog?” Sasuke replied automatically.
Naruto pouted and Sasuke lowered his eyes. Focus on the food, he reminded himself. Stop thinking about Naruto’s lips.
He looked up again only to find that Naruto was still watching him. Now it was Sasuke’s turn to be smug as Naruto blushingly averted his eyes.
Naruto murmured something and started digging into his food with renewed force.
Sasuke toyed with his chopsticks.
This felt… nice.
It almost felt like it used to when they were younger and went to eat at Ichiraku’s together. He had forgotten how that had felt, had forgotten how nice the memory was.
He clenched his jaw.
It was so much more painful to stay in the present after being reminded of a simpler time. That time couldn’t be brought back. It would forever stay nothing more than a memory.
Suddenly he didn’t feel so hungry anymore. He pushed the box away and stood.
Naruto watched him.
“What is it?” he said. “Is there something wrong with the food?”
Sasuke shook his head. He held Naruto’s gaze.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” Sasuke said. “It won’t work. I told you already; it’s too late.”
He left the kitchen and went upstairs.
He sat on his futon and listened, waiting for Naruto to leave.
He didn’t hear a thing and thought that Naruto must still be in the kitchen, which was why it was such a surprise when Naruto suddenly was there, in the doorway to his room.
“I told you already; we don’t need to go back to how it was,” Naruto said, his voice unusually soft. “We can still be friends, despite everything that’s happened. I still…” he hesitated.
Sasuke hurried to cut him off. “Friends?” he said coldly. “You keep saying that, but I don’t think you know the true meaning of the word.”
Naruto looked puzzled.
“A friend is…” Sasuke searched for words, but came up short. “It’s not what we are. We’re just… We happened to be on the same team together. We never even liked each other.”
“But you admired me and I admired you.”
“So what? It doesn’t make us friends.”
“What about all the times you saved me? And I saved you?”
Naruto had moved stealthily further into the room, so stealthily that Sasuke hadn’t noticed at first. He stood and went over to the window, putting more distance between them.
“That’s not…” Sasuke bit his lip. “That was just what we had to do. As a team. Anyway, the fact that I don’t want you to die doesn’t make me your friend.”
“… What about that first time when we fought for real?” Naruto said carefully. “You thought you had to do it to get stronger… Kill your best friend.”
Sasuke froze.
“That’s a long time ago,” he said.
“It’s only been six years…”
“It feels like a lifetime.”
Naruto sighed.
“Okay. So maybe you’re right,” he said.
Sasuke looked up because something had changed in his voice. All of a sudden he seemed more vulnerable.
“Maybe we aren’t friends,” Naruto continued, “Because friends wouldn’t… they wouldn’t sacrifice everything for each other. They wouldn’t…” His hands clenched into fists before he opened them again and absently rubbed his palms on his thighs. “I mean… I have lots of friends now, but none of them can make me feel the way you do. Maybe we’re something more than friends?”
Sasuke frowned. “Like what?”
“Um, well… You know…” He rubbed the back of his head. “The next level after friends is, well…” Now Naruto was blushing and avoiding eye contact. “It’s something even deeper. Like, where we understand each other just by looking at each other.”
He stared hopefully at Sasuke.
Sasuke wondered if this was the right moment to point out that despite the fact that he was staring right at Naruto, he didn’t understand a thing of what he was saying.
But his tongue was as frozen as the rest of him. He couldn’t get out a word.
The truth was that he was terrified that he understood exactly what Naruto was saying. But Naruto couldn’t be saying that. It was impossible.
“You know, like we do when we fight?” Naruto added.
Sasuke breathed out. Naruto was just on about his stupid bonds as usual. There was nothing else to it.
He realized with a jolt of surprise that Naruto had come much closer while he talked. He had used the distraction of his words, like someone would do to calm a frightened child.
“Don’t come closer,” Sasuke said.
Naruto stopped on the spot, one foot in front of the other.
“But it’s also different from when we fight,” Naruto said, as though there had been no interference. He looked at Sasuke in a way that only could be described as pleading. “It’s like… I can’t function normally without you. I’m just thinking about you all the time when you’re not there… Those years you were gone… It was horrible. I had no idea I could miss someone so much. I didn’t even realize I had grown so close to you. It was like someone had torn off one of my limbs and I had to learn to live on without it. Nothing was the same afterwards. I know that I’m unreasonably hard headed. I guess I’m just too stubborn to know when to quit. But with you it just… Quitting wasn’t an option. Even when everyone else had given up, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t.”
It was difficult to meet Naruto’s eyes, but it was impossible to look away.
Naruto moved closer and Sasuke didn’t stop him.
“I couldn’t…” Naruto reached out.
He was too close now.
Sasuke put a hand on his chest.
“What are you doing?” he said.
“Sasuke…” Naruto was really pleading now. “I think you know what I’m trying to say… Do I have to spell it out for you?”
Sasuke’s whole body went rigid. He wanted to tell him not to, but at the same time…
Naruto looked like he was close to tears.
“I’m in love with you.” Naruto said it so softly that it felt like a caress.
Sasuke thought he had been prepared, but it still felt like a shock. He shook his head. “No…”
“Yes.”
“Stop doing this to me, Naruto… Stop…”
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it… It’s just the way I feel. I’ve tried to not feel that way, but I can’t.”
“I don’t…” Sasuke said, bowing his head. “I don’t feel the same way.”
Naruto didn’t move away from him. “I think you do,” he said, voice soft, almost apologetic.
Sasuke looked at his own hand on Naruto’s chest, fingers curled.
“I don’t love you,” he whispered.
But why wasn’t he pushing Naruto away, then? His arm refused to move.
Slowly, carefully, Naruto wrapped his arms around Sasuke.
“Don’t do this, Naruto,” Sasuke whispered.
“Do what?” Naruto whispered back.
Sasuke shook his head. “Don’t… be so kind. I can’t…”
Naruto just held him tighter. “You deserve all the kindness in the world,” he said.
“No.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I tried to-“
“Shh…”
“There’s no excusing-“
“Shhhh…”
Sasuke glared at Naruto, which was a bit difficult when he was so close. Naruto just smiled.
“Listen,” Naruto said. “We all make mistakes, some worse than others. But you had your reasons and to be honest I kept getting in your way. Besides… I don’t think that you wanted to really hurt me.”
“I pierced your heart,” Sasuke said shakily, “Not knowing whether you could heal from it.”
Naruto’s eyelids lowered slightly. “Yeah… That hurt. But I forgive you. Besides, you saved my life before that so… I suppose that makes us even.”
Sasuke couldn’t stop the tears that welled up under his eyelids. He touched Naruto’s cheek with shaky fingers. “You… idiot.”
Naruto smiled. “But I’m your idiot.”
Then he leaned in and kissed Sasuke’s cheek, lapping up a tear.
Sasuke couldn’t take it anymore. He clutched Naruto’s neck, pressing his face to his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he whisper-sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”
Naruto just clutched him tight, running his hand up his back to the nape of his neck, where he massaged his scalp gently.
Sasuke wondered how Naruto always knew what to do where feelings were involved. It didn’t make him uncomfortable at all, and that made Sasuke feel less self-conscious. He cried on Naruto’s shoulder without caring about appearances, and Naruto just whispered soothing nonsense. At one point Naruto led them both over to the futon and sat down on it with Sasuke draped halfway over his lap. Sasuke didn’t remember much after that because eventually he fell into an exhausted sleep.
-----
Sasuke woke up with puffy eyes and a mild headache. At first he didn’t remember anything from last night, so when he realized there was someone next to him in the bed he froze. But when he opened his eyes and saw that it was Naruto – lying sprawled out and snoring softly with his mouth half open – he panicked even more.
Why was Naruto still here?
Dammit… He’d made a complete fool out of himself yesterday.
But Naruto had confessed…
He stared at the still fast asleep man next to him.
If Naruto hadn’t been there, Sasuke might have convinced himself it was all a dream. It certainly felt like a dream.
He didn’t want to wake Naruto up, not yet… Not while his face was all puffy and his eyes were bloodshot. But Naruto had wrapped them both up in one half of the sheet while they were lying on the other half, so Sasuke was basically sandwiched in next to Naruto. He had to try to loosen the sheet to get out.
He moved as carefully as he could, reaching across Naruto without touching him, and tugged on the sheet. Naruto grumbled something and shifted, allowing Sasuke to pull the corner of the sheet out from underneath him. But now they were pressed even closer together, and then Naruto instinctually reached out and placed his arm around Sasuke’s waist, once again boxing him in.
Sasuke tried to scoot out of the grip, but as he did, Naruto sighed and blinked blearily. For a moment he stared at Sasuke in confusion. Then a smile slowly spread on his lips.
“Hi,” he said.
Sasuke avoided his gaze, well aware that his eyes were pink and puffy. He slid away from Naruto and tried to get off the bed, but Naruto grabbed his arm.
“Wait…”
Sasuke stopped, his back to Naruto, his shoulders stiff.
“About yesterday,” Naruto said.
Sasuke sighed. “There’s nothing more to say about that.”
“I know,” Naruto hurried to say. “I just wanted to say… thank you.”
“… For what?”
“For opening up to me. For letting me in. And for accepting me.”
Sasuke felt like either crying or laughing, but he wasn’t even sure why. There were so many feelings inside of him, so many unfamiliar feelings, and he didn’t know what to do about them. Naruto brought it all forth.
“Thank you… too…” Sasuke said haltingly. “For never giving up on me… I know that I keep pushing you away, but it means a lot to know that you’re always there.”
Naruto sat up and embraced Sasuke from behind. “I could never forgive myself if I left you like that… and never tried to get you back. I know it’s selfish, but…”
“Idiot,” Sasuke said softly. “You’re anything but selfish.”
He turned so that he could face Naruto, and kissed him.
Naruto froze for half a second, his breath leaving him in a small gasp, but before Sasuke could pull back, Naruto was answering the kiss.
Naruto brought a hand to Sasuke’s cheek, steadying him as they kissed, one thumb on his chin.
It felt almost painful to receive such a gentle touch after such a long time of nothing… No hugs, no touches… He didn’t normally like touches, but it was different with Naruto. Everything was different when it came to Naruto.
The kisses felt amazing. Dizzyingly so. Sweet, soft, hopeful… They left a gentle buzz of delight in his body.
He reached up, hesitantly, and placed his hand on the nape of Naruto’s neck. His fingers tangled in Naruto’s hair. It felt so soft, like the fur of a kitten.
Naruto brought both arms around Sasuke and held him close, like he was afraid of losing him again.
They broke apart between kisses, foreheads resting against each other. Naruto’s hands were on Sasuke’s cheeks, caressing gently. Sasuke could feel Naruto’s gaze on him but chose to keep his eyes closed. He wasn’t ready to see the loving expression on Naruto’s face, not yet.
Naruto’s thumbs gently caressed the corner of Sasuke’s eyes and the top of his lids.
The seal that kept Sasuke’s Sharingan inactive wasn’t visible when he didn’t channel his chakra, but there was no doubt that Naruto knew it was there.
“I’ll get you out of here,” Naruto whispered. “I’ll do everything I can to set you free. Even if you choose to leave me, that’s okay. I just want you to be happy.”
Sasuke could hear the sincerity in Naruto’s words, and the pain that lay underneath. He really was prepared to let Sasuke go.
Sasuke held Naruto tighter.
“Usuratonkachi,” he murmured. “As if I could ever leave you behind again.”