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Thing is, Chuuya really adores his kouhai, to the point that he’d gladly do everything that he possibly could, for their sakes.
When he heard about Kyouka being ‘bullied’ (because there are too many people in her grade lining up to buy tofu before she gets her turn, so she can’t eat her favorite food for lunch)? Not only did he personally teach her how to shove people out of the way Elegantly™, he also gave her his week’s worth of allowance so she can treat herself to crepes.
When he heard about Kyusaku being ‘bullied’ (because… actually, you know what, he doesn’t know the exact details, and at this point, he’s too afraid to ask)? He… did stand guard while the kid got his revenge. No, he really doesn’t want to know, but he supports him one hundred percent.
Tachihara’s not exactly a kouhai since they’re on the same class, but he’s a few months younger, so he considers him a younger brother too. So when he’s apparently being ‘bullied’ (because he’s in love with someone who’s totally oblivious to his feelings, something that Chuuya calls bullshit on, because Tachihara is a good kouhai who deserves to be loved)? He goes ahead and helps Tachihara find dates, even though he has no clue as to how romance works.
In any case, Chuuya is the type of person who’d happily help his kouhai if they need his help.
…Unless it’s this one particular request, that is.
“No. Fucking. Way.”
He grits his teeth, shakes his head and even waves his fists, just to make sure that he gets his point across. In front of him, Akutagawa’s eyebrows barely move as a reaction. Then again, perhaps he shouldn’t be looking for non-existing things to help gauge the other’s expression.
Making a face akin to how he looks whenever he’s forced to exist in the same vicinity as healthy things such as oranges and vegetables, Akutagawa purses his lips and says, “Chuuya-san. You are the only one I know who can accomplish this very important mission.”
“Stop making it sound like it’s something badass!”
“It is a mission of utmost importance. One that requires handling of an extremely delicate matter that has the worth of possibly—”
“—what worth could it possibly have!” He interrupts before his kouhai can complete this farcical drivel. “Even if someone paid me, I’d never want to do something so disgusting as, as, as—” He can’t even say it!
Akutagawa coughs and takes out the guaranteed secret weapon of, “Chuuya-senpai, you are the only person I can trust with this request. After all, it is absolutely impossible for you to be afraid of Dazai-san.”
-
“I’m doing this as a favor to a kouhai,” Chuuya reminds himself for the fifty-seventh time in the past five minutes, muttering darkly under his breath as he keeps on fiddling with his phone. “I’m not scared of that stupid fish! I’m not going to run away…”
Needless to say, anyone who’s in the vicinity of his seat has already situated themselves far away.
He’s torn between feeling grateful that there wouldn’t be anyone nearby who could see him do such a shameful act, and being annoyed that he can’t use anyone as a meat shield for cover. He comforts himself again while he waits for the first bell to ring.
For the first time in his entire life, he’s actually thankful for his target’s lazy-ass tendencies of being allergic to arriving even one second early for class. This means that he gets to have a few more minutes of rallying himself to do what needs to be done.
That is: Take Top Secret Candid Photos™ of Dazai Osamu, someone who, in Chuuya’s opinion is the shittiest person in existence, in the entire world.
Unfortunately, high school is really the time for mistakes and follies of youth. That’s the only way Chuuya can explain this strange phenomenon of so many people in their school being so goddamn blind and deranged as to actually look at the annoying mummy cosplayer-reject and think, wow, the damage to my eyes wasn’t enough, let me look at him some more?
And so, there’s an inexplicably high demand for photos of Class 3-A’s top student (exam score-wise, height-wise).
“Why does it need to be done in secret?” He remembers asking Akutagawa.
After all, given shitty Dazai’s shitty personality of flirting with everyone wearing a skirt (and by that, he shudders, really means everyone, even certain people who have to wear one for a school play)—he’d probably host an entire photoshoot and take pose requests from his (blergh) adoring crowd.
He’s a well-known miserly bastard too, even though there are rumors flying around about how he’s this lonely heir to a rich family. For the sake of having funds to sustain his disgusting bandage “““fashion””” and lesser-known canned crab addiction, he’d probably even sell the photos himself. He’d definitely print his face on every imaginable surface. Not even the insides of Chuuya’s locker would be spared, probably.
But, the reason for this requiring to be done in secret is—
“Ya~ Made it on time~” Dazai slinks in to the classroom like some slimy fish, fluttering his fingers in a greeting wave. An obviously fake cheerful grin on his face. Pose, voice and expression all tailor-fitted to make several rows swoon. “It’s a good day to have a cheerful double suicide, ne?”
—is that, Dazai ‘shitty bastard’ Osamu never acts candidly in public.
He’d always affect some pose or act or whatever the fuck he’s doing. As if he’s practicing for being an actor when he’s in the Science track. Apparently, because he actually has (blerghhhhh) fans who have arduously worked hard in taking lots of photos of him during the past three years, they’ve already gotten most of the poses and expression packs that they desire.
Everything, save for the utterly candid shots.
…It’s really stupid. Dazai’s already annoying on the usual basis, there’s really nothing noteworthy in seeing him with drool on his cheek or sleeplines on his forehead. Who would want to see a mackerel picking his nose or cleaning his ears? Who the hell would want to see some fish flopping about after PE and being drenched in sweat?
The answer is apparently a lot of people. Chuuya worries for them, really.
But, if getting those ugly photos are going to help his kouhai, then he, as a good senpai, is going to do his best!
-
He… is having a lot of trouble.
See, the thing is? Those ‘Candid Dazai Moments™’ that he’s been asked to take photos of? Those are things that he’s had the displeasure of seeing so many times already.
Because he’s known the shithead for such a long time, he’s been unfortunate enough to be sick of dealing with the other in any manner. Whether it’s seeing him being all fake, or trying to be cool and aloof, or be an utterly useless waste of space? He’s seen them all.
And so, he has… underestimated just how easily he could get what he needs.
His main consideration for agreeing—aside from being a softy for his kouhai—is that he’s expecting this could get done in a few minutes.
Herein lies the problem. It’s already been an hour and he still hasn’t managed to sneak in a single successful shot!
He’s already sacrificed his attention for the first period! And now that the second period has started, he still hasn’t gotten to snap a passable picture! The entire time, he’s pretty much kept his phone angled towards where Dazai is—diagonal from him, two columns and two rows ahead due to their seating arrangement being according to surnames.
He has snapped a hundred photos but none of them fit the criteria that his kouhai is looking for? Dazai just looks extremely bored in half of them! And even more insufferably bored in the other half! Who the fuck would want these photos, urgh.
He really shouldn’t be wasting so much time staring at Dazai though. He actually needs to pay attention to class… Maybe he should just take a video? And then he can review it afterwards and just pause at the right moment to take a screenshot? It’s a sacrilege to his memory card, but it really can’t be helped.
Hopefully, because second period is math class and Dazai’s insufferably good here, he’d end up yawning or rubbing his eyes or doodling on his notebook. Chuuya’s not picky, he just wants him to do something aside from look like a damn statue, damn it.
With this thought in mind, he angles his phone so that he can zoom in his phone’s camera on the other’s face, while his other hand is busy taking down notes.
-
Quite unfortunately, his ingenious idea of simply videoing Dazai… isn’t that practical.
His phone’s already overheating by the end of second period, so he’s forced to drop the idea of doing this for the whole day. Of course, it’d also be less grueling on his phone’s available storage space if he didn’t choose the maximum quality for the video. It can’t be helped though. He’s agreed to do this, so he wants to do it properly! Top quality (pixels-wise, he can’t say the same for the actual subject matter) images only!
He takes a short break from his attempts at capturing Dazai’s face, because he’s a good student worthy of being in 3-A, not only because of his excellent sports abilities, but also because of his test results. He might not be a monstrous curve-wrecker like the mackerel who doesn’t even need to study to get perfect scores, but he’s within a solid top fifteen of the entire graduating class, at least.
This means that he can only resume his picture-taking mission once the bell for lunch break rings.
He usually has a personally-made bento for lunch that he eats in the rooftop or in the grounds, depending on the weather. This time, he takes his bento and actually… slinks after Dazai. Knowing the idiot, he’d either mooch off lunch from his friends from the Student Council, or he’d mooch off from unsuspecting students in the cafeteria.
There’s a chance he’d make a lot of ugly faces then, so Chuuya can’t miss this chance!
“Oh, there’s a tiny fairy following me.”
He protests, “I just happen to be walking in the same direction! Don’t think so highly of yourself! Who would follow someone like you!” Even though, in this particular case, he really is following someone like him. Chuuya can feel his dignity crumbling the slightest bit at this lie.
“Fufufu, I didn’t even say that it’s you?” Dazai stops walking and turns to him with a grin that’s too wicked for his usual ‘for-the-masses’ flirty one. “Got a guilty conscience, chibi?”
“Who else have you been calling a tiny fairy?!” Ah, so annoying! This is a perfect candid shot, with Dazai looking less composed and more shithead, and he can’t even capture it! Because the bastard is walking back to where he’s standing! It’s impossible to hide his picture-taking like this!
“…Ah, you actually make a good point for once.”
“For once?!”
“Fortunately, Yokohama isn’t so doomed that there’s more than one tiny, violent, small, muscle-for-brains, chibi, foul-mouthed, shrimp, silly fairy like you.”
“That is way too many insults in one line, oi!”
“I can add more, but I’m too hungry.” So matter-of-factly. Dazai grabs his elbow and starts dragging him towards the rooftop. “Come on, give me my lunch already.”
“Ha? I don’t have any food for you!” He digs his elbow against the other’s growling stomach.
“Isn’t your bento today filled with crabmeat? Who else would you make it for?”
“It’s my bento so it’s obviously for me?!”
“But it has two servings!”
“I’m a growing boy who needs nutrients—wait, how did you even know that?!”
Dazai lets out a pitiful whine, jutting his lips out in a pout. “Chuuya, if you’re this stingy, you can’t ever grow tall, you know?” Yet another perfect candid shot, unable to be captured. “I’ll explain to you, shorty, how I managed to suss out the contents of your bento, but only after you feed me! I’m too hungry to even have the energy to breathe the same air as you!”
“And yet you have so much energy running your mouth...”
Due to being part of the unwitting exposure therapy to Dazai’s bullshit, it means that he’s already used to multitasking while bickering with him. This means that they manage to get themselves to the rooftop even as they’re busy trying to kick each other.
Chuuya doesn’t break the mackerel’s neck for trying to steal from his bento. But only because he still hasn’t gotten the shots that he has promised his kouhai. He’s a man of his word, after all. He has a feeling that a picture of Dazai beaten to death isn’t going to satisfy the request.
…Shortly after, he regrets his life choices once more. Because killing Dazai would have spared him of the grief of choking on his own food—food that he cooked himself being the murder weapon? that’d would be so uncool, damn it—from hearing the other say:
“Ah, by the way, I saw that you didn’t pay attention to class earlier.” Swallows, steals some more food. “You looked more idiotic than usual.”
“How the hell did you even—you’re seated in front!” Unfortunately for him and his straightforward personality, things such as lying don’t really come naturally. So he could only sputter truths such as, “Bastard! You weren’t even looking at me!”
They’re seated by the fenced rails, presumably so Chuuya can stare at the ground beyond and imagine shoving Dazai off, even if it’s currently impossible due to said safety fences. Side by side, though now Dazai angles his seat a little bit so he can stare at him, raising an eyebrow. “Hmm, and you know that because you’ve been looking at me, huh.”
“Why would I do such a horrible thing?!” He really isn’t lying. He’s asking this question for real.
“So? Why have you been staring at me? Finally realized that I’m the most handsome, sexiest guy that you’ll ever know in your chibi life?”
His lunch threatens to make an abrupt comeback from where they’re already stashed in his stomach. He feels himself turning green. “You have the stupidest, shittiest face in the whole world.” He flails his hands out for his bottled water so he can hopefully push down the nausea from hearing nonsense. “And I haven’t even counted your shitty personality into account.”
Unfortunately for him and his misgivings about the other man, Dazai’s thick face is an absolute defensive unit. None of his barbs hit their mark. “Ah, I suppose that’s my fault for being too tall that little fairies can’t see my face properly.”
And then Dazai leans in close enough that their noses bump, going slightly cross-eyed in the process.
His first thought is, fuck, yet another candid shot wasted.
His second is, perhaps expectedly, yelling bloody murder.
-
Today’s afternoon classes are dedicated to their specialty streams, so they don’t have any shared classrooms for the rest of the day. Normally, he would consider this the most glorious type of schedule.
It’s never fun to share the same class as the other, because whenever the subject matter of groupworks come up, it always follows the exact same pattern. There’d be a bunch of people literally fighting to become Dazai’s partner. He’s someone who relishes in fights, sure, but for the subject matter to be some damn fish… He has zero interest in it.
And yet, even though he never participates in said fights, he’s the one who ends up being the other’s partner anyway. And by ‘partner’, it means that he’s stuck handling everything, because Dazai is the sort of lazy who wouldn’t even budge even when kicked.
…Now though, he’s very antsy that he can’t see Dazai.
Only because he still doesn’t have any usable pictures!
He’s amassed a number of shots over the day—some blurry, some with so much detail he can almost see inside the other’s pores. But all of them has Dazai with his version of a poker face, real emotions sealed tight. Still childish, but so much more controlled. Sometimes with that armor of aloof apathy. They’re not the photos that he wants to see, damn it.
Figures that Dazai would be so annoying to only make the more-idiotic-than-usual expressions when they’re too near each other that it’d be impossible to hide the picture taking.
So, he practically shoots out of class like a rocket missile, the moment the final bell rings. He needs to tail Dazai back to his home and make up for all the lost chances!
He hides behind the shoe lockers and takes pictures of Dazai as he blinks at his locker being stuffed full of love letters once again. He ignores the noisy background discussion as to whether he’s seething with jealousy upon seeing such a sight. Why would he be jealous of such a thing? Anyone who sends the fish a love letter is declaring their brain damage to the world, what he’s feeling is pity for their lives and relief that he isn’t involved with any of them.
He takes a lot of pictures when Dazai sneezes and rubs his nose as he loiters in the convenience store on the way home. He dawdles in front of the magazine racks, shamelessly using the chance to catch up on several manga, even though Chuuya knows that this poor bastard doesn’t have any plans of actually purchasing it.
He continues following the fish using the camera lens of his phone. Dazai pauses in front of an abandoned alley. Squats in front of a box that has an abandoned puppy. Reaches out to the box and to the puppy—
“—OI, OI, OI, WHAT THE FUCK!”
He leaps out of his hiding place, arms flailing as he points at Dazai accusingly with the hand that’s holding onto his phone. “What the hell are you doing?!” Without waiting for the other’s answer, he runs forward and shakes him by the lapels. “Are you a fake Dazai or something?!”
After all, it’s no secret that the shitty mackerel despises dogs. (Well, it’s probably a bit of a secret that he actually is a bit afraid of dogs.) It’s also no secret that he’s the sort of person who would look at an abandoned, starving puppy and then eat dog food right in front of it so he can ‘assert dominance’ or somesuch nonsense.
“Oho? Why is Chuuya here?” A condescending pat to his trembling-with-rage fists. “Did you get lost, little kid? Your home is on a different direction, you know?”
“Your house is also in a different direction!”
“Can’t I take a lovely stroll while finding a nice double suicide spot?”
He rolls his eyes at the other’s words. “W-Well, I’m taking a stroll too!”
“Mm, I’ve been thinking—”
“—never a good sign, oi.”
“—that you’ve really been stalking me the entire day, huh.”
Chuuya recoils and jumps two steps back. He feels his face heat up at the accusation. “Absolutely not,” he denies. “I’m so sick of you already, why would I punish myself with dealing with you more than necessary?!”
A blink, before the other’s expression morphs into something sly. “Fufufu, such vehemence makes me think that someone has a guilty conscience~”
“Or I’m just really appalled by the idea, ever think of that, genius?”
“Oh, of course I did.” Breezy and light. He suddenly raises his hand, a phone in his palm. More accurately, it’s Chuuya’s phone in his palm. Damn it! “Let me guess, one of my secret admirers begged you to take a picture of me so you’ve been trying to find my best angle.”
Thing is, Chuuya really adores his kouhai, to the point that he’d gladly do everything that he possibly could, for their sakes. So he falters in trying to correct this misunderstanding. Is keeping Akutagawa’s request a secret more important? Or is it more prudent that he makes sure that Dazai doesn’t get this extremely wrong idea that he has actual admirers?
This split-second hesitation is more than enough for Dazai and his nosiness to work their magic.
Chuuya lunges for his phone, but Dazai is an asshole who lifts it high up his head. This forces him to try to climb him up like he’s a red-haired koala trying to ignite this beanpole literally on fire. “Give it back—!”
“Nope, I’m busy—”
“BASTARD!”
And then, Dazai stops breathing as he looks at the sheer amount of photos and videos that Chuuya has taken of him throughout the day.
Damn it!
With Dazai not moving to fend him off, doesn’t this look like Chuuya’s just, blerghhhhhhhhhhhh, embracing him in the middle of the street?! But it’s more important that he retrieves his phone! He stands on his tiptoes and leans his entire weight against the petrified beanpole. How the hell is he so tall! What kind of injustice is this! Even when he hangs one of his elbows on the other’s shoulder as leverage, he still can’t reach it!
And then, he’s rendered unable to reach for anything.
Not even his sanity.
Because Dazai snaps his face downwards and then snipes his mouth.
It really is that dramatic and deadly. He’s certainly not exaggerating. Because what is this, aside from an attack? Dazai’s mouth is pressed against his, firm despite the softness of their lips. As if that’s not enough, Dazai’s other hand comes down and pinches the skin above his tailbone. Worse, his gasp of surprise at this is immediately followed by the other’s teeth grazing on his lip. He opens his mouth, ready to yell about this treatment, and he gets a tongue inside his mouth for his efforts.
It’s the worst! The absolute worst!
With their faces and bodies entangled so closely together, it’s too hard to breathe. Each inhale only brings with it the scent of the shitty mackerel. It makes him so dizzy, that he can’t even yell or punch or kick. He has no other choice but to close his eyes and use the beanpole for support so he doesn’t end up doing something uncool like fainting. Or making a lot of embarrassing sounds.
Eventually, Dazai stops attacking him and pulls away a bit. His nose is red, as well as his cheeks. Lips swollen and shiny. A part of his mind mourns the loss of yet another candid picture opportunity. Another part of him… doesn’t want this being spread around. It’s too weird of a look, it’s not something that should be divulged to anyone else. Or else they’d feel bad, like there are snakes fighting in their stomachs or something. Because that’s what Chuuya feels right now, being faced with this at point-blank range.
“I accept your confession, Chuuya,” is what Dazai says after a few moments of staring at each other. Oh-so-kindly, he tucks the phone that he stole back into Chuuya’s pockets. Pats his thigh over it afterwards, then keeps his hand there. “It truly is too touching, I could cry.”
He shrieks, “I haven’t even confessed anything!” He hasn’t sold his kouhai out, damn it!
“Of course, if you wish to make a grander confession, I wouldn’t stop you.” Total happiness is such a strange look on the mackerel. It makes him look so soft, like cotton candy that would melt inside his mouth. Not that he wants to eat him or anything, he’s not looking for indigestion, urgh. And then he gets further stomachache, headache and heartache when Dazai continues, “But… this is a very lovely confession already, don’t you think?”
“I already said—!”
“After all, you even deleted pictures of your ugly hats to make room for all of my photos and videos.” Shining eyes. “I now understand where your heart truly lies.”
“They’re not ugly, take that back!” He tries punching the other’s chest, but Dazai can be worse than super-glue when he wants to be. He doesn’t even budge. Incensed, he adds, “And I didn’t delete them! I just moved them temporarily to a cloud storage!”
“All those pictures focused on my eyes and mouth—”
“—it’s just the angle! All coincidence!”
“—with how slow and tiny your brain is, I didn’t think you’d realize it until we’re twenty-two, at least. But you’re really so head over heels in love with me, aren’t you?”
“Who are you calling slow and tiny?!” And then, because there are more important matters, “I’m not the one who wants your photos!”
“Mm, a classic tsundere response, it’s okay, I understand your heart.”
“You understand nothing!”
“Who else would want to my pictures this much? Isn’t there only you?”
Chuuya is a good senpai who’d give the world to his kouhai if they asked. Because this is for a good cause, Chuuya immediately throws his kouhai under the bus. “It’s Akutagawa who asked me for help to take your ugly pictures.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
"Ah, so you even tricked poor Akutagawa-kun into asking you for a favor.” A shake of the head, another pinch to his tailbone. “You’re that in love with me, huh?”
Oh, it’s useless reasoning with an alien. “Wow. Congratulations on your deranged mental gymnastics.” He also shakes his head, bewildered beyond belief. “Why the hell would I do something that convoluted?! Isn’t doing something like that more in line with your tactics?!”
A sunny beam that could rival lasers in strength. “You’re showing off how much you know me, huh?”
“Anyone knows how much of a slimy bastard you are!”
It’s actually not true, as Chuuya has learned today. There are so many unfortunate people who’ve been duped into thinking that this guy is passably decent. This kind of trickery ought to be considered a crime.
It seems that his ‘prize’ for retaining his sense of mind is that he’s the sole unfortunate person who’s been able to see all of the aspects of the other’s personality. Truly terrible.
“Now, now, you know that you’re the only one I show my real self to, Chuuya.” With Dazai’s hands anchored on him, the other leans closer to pat his nose. Using his own nose. It’s not something as cute as an Eskimo kiss, damn it! It’s just… urghhhhhhhh.
He protests, “Stop doing that, I don’t wanna see it!”
“You’re so not honest.” A peck to his lips to incapacitate him for several seconds again. “It’s rather adorable to see how you’re so in love with me.”
“I really am not in l-l-love with you!” Even as he’s picking up the box with the abandoned puppy so they can bring it to an animal shelter. “L-L-L-Love is the furthest thing I feel for you!”
Dazai places an arm around his waist. “Right, right, you’re super in love with me instead.”
“Listen to me, oi—!!!”
-
The following day, Chuuya gives Akutagawa the stink-eye, because he trusted him, damn it! But he’d been working for Dazai all along! Of course, this stink-eye doesn’t last long, because Dazai immediately turns the face of his new boyfriend towards himself, unwilling to let him look at others when he’s around.
-
end