Chapter Text
Even if you say I’m doing wrong or bad
I don’t know what the problem is, this is the way I am
...
You’re chasing me and we’re getting close
But I’m not that easy to catch
Nights seemed never-ending. Every time the sun began to set, hanging low in the sky, she found herself dreading the prospect of retiring to her bed. It was small thanks that the work day now was longer than it had ever been. There was much less time to sit and stew in her thoughts. God knew how helpful that had been.
As she trudged up the last flight of stairs, six weary, barely-conscious girls followed not far behind. Her hands were shoved in her pockets, arms pressed close. There may have been chatter behind her, but she couldn’t hear it. As they filed from the stairwell into the hall, they split off, fumbled for their keys, and muttered their good-nights. Yoohyeon didn't have far to go, her flat was the first on the right. With a turn of the key, the door was unlocked and she nearly stumbled into the room, not bothering to look back to check that her roommate was following. She could open doors just fine on her own. Already halfway to the bedroom, Yoohyeon heard the rattle of the lock behind her. She kept walking.
Silence permeated the air as the two navigated their tight living quarters, getting ready for bed. Brushing past each other in a well-rehearsed dance, Yoohyeon would wash up and then surrender the bathroom to Minji, who would wash up and shower. The older girl was no early bird, so it was Yoohyeon who woke up quietly to shower in the morning.
The flats were not spacious. Her unit had one small living space with a barebones kitchen, a bathroom worthy of a tiny house, and one small bedroom, where the company had placed two twin beds. The walls were paper thin, so as Yoohyeon lay in bed she could hear Minji uncapping her lotions and creams, the quiet strains of music she played from her phone too. “What was worse?” she thought to herself. Was it laying awake like this and ruminating, or drifting to sleep only to have her dreams haunted by these same waking thoughts?
The door creaked open and quietly clicked shut. Footsteps padded along, paused for a moment or two, and resumed before Yoohyeon heard the rustling of blankets.
“Goodnight,” came a feather-soft whisper.
Yoohyeon didn't reply. If she did, she might not have been able to keep the emotion from bubbling up through her chest. It was easier to pretend like she was asleep. Easier to pretend than to face the music.
Every time they went to bed, Minji breathed the softest goodnight. At this point Yoohyeon wasn't even sure it was meant for her and not some prayer uttered to whatever god Minji believed in. It was moments like this - tiny moments that anyone could dismiss, which hurt Yoohyeon the most.
Well, she supposed, to be accurate it was these moments juxtaposed with the cold and aloof treatment that was now par for the course which really made it sting. For every sweet smile there was a shrugging off, a turning of a back, a cautious step away.
She could deal with the friendly touches, and the blinding smiles, and all the pomp and circumstance that went along with promotions. You turned up and acted like you were the happiest you've ever been for as long as the cameras are rolling and that's just how it went. That was normal. But it was the little moments. The moments outside the professional sphere when Yoohyeon swore she caught Minji looking at her out of the corner of her eye, when a hand grazed her waist so lightly she couldn't tell if she was imagining it or not. The moments in between shooting when Minji touched up the taller girl’s hair or ran a thumb across the edge of her lips, which never failed to make Yoohyeon feel as though a shot of adrenaline had been injected directly into her heart.
A loud rumble vibrated in her stomach. Damn. After a moment’s hesitation, she threw the covers off and let herself out of the bedroom. There wasn't a hard rule at the company about dieting, but it was more of an unspoken industry standard. It's just what you did if you wanted to make it; starve yourself that is. Well screw that she thought. She was hungry and tired, and god help every person she would come into contact with tomorrow if she didn't eat something.
Just as Yoohyeon put on her last shoe a figure emerged above her.
“Going out?” Minji’s hair hung around her face, backlit by the single hall light, and for all her effort Yoohyeon couldn't help think she looked like an angel.
“Yeah.” She knew where this was going. This used to be their thing. Going out at two in the morning to a convenience store and eating on the sidewalk outside under the buzzing fluorescent lights as a “fuck you” to the rules.
“Where to?” Perfect eyebrows raised themselves slightly.
“Gonna get some food,” she mumbled back, finally standing up.
“Can I come?” Minji had already begun to slide on some shoes.
“Sure.” What was she going to say? No? When it came down to it Yoohyeon supposed there was almost nothing she could deny this girl. The two shuffled out the door and down the stairs, emerging at last into the humid night air.
“Gaaah, it feels like it's been so long since we did this!” Minji skipped a bit ahead and did a little spin in the empty street.
“It does,” Yoohyeon said thoughtfully.
“What are you gonna get? I've been really craving ramyeon since I saw that commercial for a new flavor.”
“As long as it's not the fire one. I've already heard horror stories. Your gut won't thank you.” Yoohyeon was certain Minji had her eye on the fire noodles. For as long as she'd known her, the older girl constantly gravitated towards spicy foods, even though she couldn't handle them at all. She had always paid the price for it later, and Yoohyeon had always been there, with milk to rehydrate.
The dejected look on Minji’s face said it all; Yoohyeon rolled her eyes. An electronic beep heralded their entry to the local GS25. The clerk looked half dead leaning back in his chair, but besides him, there wasn’t another soul in the store. The girls plodded quietly to the ramyeon section, grabbing drinks on the way. After they’d paid, they filled their plastic bowls with boiling hot water from the machine and gingerly transported their cooking meals outside.
They sat down on the curb, and Yoohyeon began to slurp in silence. She didn’t want to be rude, and her mind raced with things to say and questions to ask, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to say anything. Next to her, Minji quietly shoveled noodles into her mouth, staring intently ahead.
“You did well today in promotions.” Minji said, mouth half full.
“Thanks… you too.”
“Thanks.”
God, it was so awkward. How had it gotten like this between them? Yoohyeon’s face began to furrow and contract. Half in concentration from trying to pinpoint the day it started, and half in dismay from the sheer thought that they had seemingly grown so far apart.
“Have you been feeling okay, Yoo?” This time Minji turned her head, her expression was at once one of concern, and one that dared Yoohyeon to try and answer with three words again.
“Uh… yeah. I’m fine. Did it seem like I wasn’t?” Honestly Yoohyeon knew she hadn’t been hiding her thoughts all that well. For the other girls it might have been more difficult, but she supposed, for Minji it seemed like nothing was secret to her. It was why she was made leader after all. With frightening accuracy she could read something in people. Maybe it was their body language, or tone of voice or facial expressions that gave it away, but she always knew. Added to this was her impeccable ability to shift her mood, demeanor, even personality to fit the situation. A deadly combination. She knew what you wanted and she could give it to you as well. If she saw fit.
“I know something’s wrong. I don’t know what, but I want to help. As leader, it’s my job to make sure we’re all at our best for our comeback. I just want to help, Yoo.” Minji looked serious. Really, she looked for all the world like a concerned friend, sitting up at two thirty in the morning to listen to their bff’s drama.
But Yooheyon was too old to believe that. Even though she may have wanted to. Too much of her was mistrustful for her to simply open up. “I’m sorry to have worried you.” Yoohyeon added what she hoped looked like a genuine smile. “But I promise I’m okay. It’s just some… family stuff. Not too serious.” She hoped this would be enough to stop Minji from digging further. She watched the older girl’s face as she mulled over Yoohyeon’s words.
“Alright, but swear that you’ll tell me if I can do anything to help.” Minji placed a hand on Yoohyeon’s thigh. The younger girl could tell that she didn’t fully buy her lie, but Minji couldn’t easily dispute it so she just dropped the issue.
“I swear.” This would be the first time she’d ever knowingly lied to Minji. Perhaps the first of many if things continued like this.
Back at their dorm, and now with a solid three hours to go before she had to wake up, Yooheyon continued to stare at the ceiling, fighting off sleep, and the nightmares that would come with it.
☽☾
Music blared.
Neo daeche wae wanni ajikdo moreuni, eodikkaji yeoreoya nae maeum ani ani?
Bright lights washed everything out.
Jogeumssik naege deo dagawa jullae? Eojjeom geuri mangseorini?
Dancing without thinking, her limbs moved on their own. Every subtle detail was ingrained in her muscle memory. A smile was plastered across her face, as bodies flowed around her, perfectly in-time.
One and two and three and four and one and two and three and four and…
Step and change and out shake shake and. The choreography chants they learned played in her head louder than the lyrics. The beat from speakers sent vibrations from the floor through her feet, she could feel it with her whole body. As she continued to move on autopilot time passed, it could have been seconds, it could have been hours.
With lungs heaving for breath, she struck her final pose.
Shunk. The lights turned off. Everything was plunged into darkness. Phantom music still rung in Yoohyeon’s ears.
Wait, was she supposed to get ready to bow now?
Shunk. A spotlight cast a bright beam in front of her, where the audience should have been. A cone of sterile white light illuminated a disc on the inky ground. It flickered, and suddenly there, in the distance, was a figure. Lit from the top, their features were obscured, but the silhouette was still unmistakable. At least to Yoohyeon.
“Minji?” Confusion colored her voice. What was she doing all the way back there? She needed to be on stage. “Unnie! Quick, get over here!” Despite Yoohyeon’s desperation all the older girl did was turn her head, catching just enough light that she could see pink lips turn upward into the barest hint of a smirk.
The spot flickered again like lightning, the strobes catching snapshots of the girl running into the darkness. Yooheyon ran after her. “Unnie!” Breathless, she called out. Running as fast as she could, she still seemed unable to close the distance. Feet struck hard against the ground as she stumbled further into the darkness. The further she ran, the more the emptiness coalesced around her, clinging at first to her skin like mist, then condensing into gnarled trunks, twisting branches, and tangled undergrowth. They raked across her legs, arms and torso, leaving stinging traces in their wake.
In a clearing, she stopped dead in her tracks. Completely lost, with Minji nowhere in sight, she glanced about her, blood thundered in her ears. Footsteps… were they behind? To her left or right? They seemed to echo all around her. The closer she looked the more her eyes were sure there were specters precipitating, seeping out of the trees like sap.
“You didn’t really expect it to last, did you?” Minji’s voice bled from the branches. Her inflection was one of cruel pity.
Yoohyeon choked on her words. “I… I…” She resigned herself to her despair. “Then what was it?” Her voice was high and weak.
“Oh, Yoo,” Minji stretched out a gossamer hand to stroke Yoohyeon’s cheek, faux sadness etched its lines in the corners of her mouth and in her brow. “It was just a bit of fun.”
Yoohyeon jerked away. “How could you say that?” Hurt cracked her voice.
“Aww, did you like it that much? If that’s the case... ” Minji stepped closer; inch by inch, even as Yoohyeon continued to tread backward. She grasped the taller girl’s hands and pulled her close, whispering in her ear, “we could always go further.”
Yoohyeon shut her eyes tight, trying to draw even further into herself. A moment passed and the presence of her lips by Yoohyeon’s ear was gone. Her eyes opened. Quick as she appeared, Minji was blown away with the wind.
“Yoo!” An excited voice called out behind her. Yoohyeon whipped around so fast she thought her neck would break. Now they were standing on the sidewalk outside their dorm, orange street lights attracted bugs that buzzed overhead. Minji stood before her once more. “This was so fun, I’ll make sure to stop by tomorrow night too.” She spared Yoohyeon a saccharine sweet smile before melting into thin air.
With no more energy left to chase, Yoohyeon turned to the door and walked away.