Chapter Text
“Throughout the heavens and earth, I alone am the honored one”, he said and that was it for me. Gojo Satoru fights alone. I always knew that. I wasn’t affected by it, but as soon as he let out those words, I knew it was over for me. Sometimes it seemed like I was in your way. Now it’s proven: we were never the strongest, you were. I was too weak to defeat a mere mortal… a simple monkey. I had never thought of non-sorcerers as inferior, only as weak or defenseless; after all, if they could manipulate their cursed energy, everyone would be a sorcerer and this job wouldn’t exist.
It was my fault that Riko died. I was careless, I should have done more. I was too weak. How could I have ever called myself the strongest if I lost everything to someone with no cursed energy and a gun. I thought I had lost my best friend, although in a way, I did, but he truly was the strongest of us too. He filled me in about what happened and blamed it all on himself, but deep down, I knew everything had happened because of me. Did I not try hard enough? No, that was not it. It was just that my best wasn’t enough.
The wicked cheering of the building felt like a ringing inside my head that could not stop. I felt dizzy, I felt disgusted. These were the people that we were supposed to be protecting and dying for, and yet, they rejoiced with the death of a child. Was there no humanity left in these people? I wish I hadn’t stopped Satoru from killing them all; perhaps it would have brought a false sense of calm in the moment or maybe even closure. I was wrong, there was a meaning in that. Meaning. It’s the one thing we are all searching for. I thought I had found it in Jujutsu sorcery but now, I’m not so sure. From that moment on, reality became warped and the events of that day kept creeping up inside my brain from every corner; I never knew peace again.
That night I lay awake, my eyes aching, irritated, begging for sleep. But I couldn’t sleep. If I closed my eyes I could see Riko’s eyes staring into my soul as their light faded away, as I stood there, frozen, watching her die. It was my fault. It was my fault. It was my fault. I was the one to blame. I was too weak. How could I ever call myself the strongest? A deep hatred and rage filled my body, which, at this point, only felt like empty space, a void. There was no soul left in me. I wanted to feel pain, I felt like I deserved it. I couldn’t keep lying in bed, I was too restless. I got up and decided to take a shower, even though I had already showered twice today. I felt like I needed to get rid of the filthy stench of death. Additionally, the smell of Toji Fushiguro lingered on my skin, on my teeth, on my soul-less body, on my heart. I scrubbed every inch of skin until it bled. My entire body felt like it was on fire under the steaming heat of the water. No matter how hard I scrubbed, the repugnant odor of weakness would not leave. I was aching. Blood was running down my back and covered my nails from the scratching. I broke down and my body collapsed onto the floor, the boiling water embracing me as if the fires from the pits of Hell were calling for me, longing for my presence. Hell was the only place I belonged to. I deserved punishment and suffering. Without noticing, tears came streaming down my face, though it was hard to differentiate between them and the running water. Then, my heart was aching and I was screaming. I gasped for air but it felt like there was none left. I cried and screamed and agonized for what felt like hours. I lost control of my body; it felt as if it no longer belonged to myself. My ears were ringing and my head felt like it was about to explode. I was shaking uncontrollably, unable to move a single muscle in my body. At the same time, words started to fill my mind. Toji Fushiguro’s words. Lost to a monkey. Lost to a monkey. Lost to a monkey. FUCKING MONKEYS. “Be sure to thank your parents”, he said. Thank them for what? For birthing a good for nothing fucking piece of shit?! It’s a fucking filthy world we live in and I’m part of the filth. In that moment, I wish I was never fucking born. That would have saved the world from the fucking pain and disappointment I had brought. I hated myself. I screamed louder. My eyes ached like hell, it felt like there were no more tears left to cry. It felt like my eyeballs were trying to pop out of their sockets. My chest stung like my lungs were about to burst, leaving a hole where my heart was supposed to be. I wished for death. In that moment, I wished Toji had fucking killed me. His cold, merciless eyes stared at me in the darkness. FUCKING MONKEYS.
In the back of my mind, I was scared that someone would listen. How pathetic would it be if anyone found me like this. I wished to be embraced by Satoru’s long arms. I wanted to feel his embrace and his soft voice telling me it was going to be alright. I wanted to run out to his room and collapse into his arms. Only he could make me feel like I deserved to live. But, that wasn’t true. I didn’t deserve Satoru. He was the strongest and I was a failure. I know that deep down he must know that. He defeated Toji, he reached new levels of himself that he didn’t know he had. All of this while I was just lying there waiting for death. Why didn’t I keep fighting? Why didn’t I put my everything into it? After Shoko healed me, I felt defeated, I thought everything was lost. Of course I was relieved when I saw Satoru was alive but, truly, I felt ashamed. I felt disgusted by myself and letting myself be seen by him. I blame myself for what happened.
When I regained control of my body, I turned off the water and felt the reek of blood fill the room. The shower looked like a crime scene. I felt sick to my stomach and proceeded to empty all of it on the toilet. It was a mess, the bathroom was disgusting, but I deserved it. I deserved to live in this filth. I deserved to have my nostrils destroyed by the putrid smell of blood and vomit. I had no clue of what hour it was or what I should do with myself. However, I was so tired I fell onto the floor. Covered in vomit and blood, I fell into a deep sleep.
I was awakened by the memories bursting through my brain. I opened my eyes abruptly and found myself gasping for air. There were dried up tears on my cheeks. Was I crying while asleep? How pitiful. As I slowly regained consciousness, I recalled the events of last night and realized I was covered in filth. The bathroom had a rancid smell. The scenery was truly disgusting. I cleaned up, took a quick shower and headed to my bed. I couldn’t show my face in public. What if someone heard me? I couldn’t face such humiliation. This was definitely rock bottom. No cursed spirit or mission could hurt me as much as this one did. I was beyond saving.