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“Hey Elsa?”
The blonde glanced up across the table of the break room, loose strands of hair falling behind her as blue eyes met brown. Her thumb hovered over her phone, ceasing her current play against Anna in Words With Friends. Elsa waited patiently for the teen to speak, watching her lightly tap her hands against the table. She seemed to take a moment to gather her thoughts.
It wasn’t too often anymore that Elsa found herself among company during her breaks. With the store’s regular hours and a near-skeleton night crew, unless it was a ghost town up front it was unethical to allow more than one employee away from their post at a time. Five minutes was one thing, or perhaps if everyone was doing a different job. But with Snow’s shift having already ended it was simply a matter of waiting for the ride home, explaining her place in the break room with Elsa. And, if the blonde was being completely honest, she didn’t mind. It wasn’t simply because of the sister-like relationship she had developed with Snow since the outbreak of Covid-19; she had simply grown accustomed to spending her breaks with someone. She had Maren to thank for that, she supposed. Or, perhaps more accurately, blame.
“How did you know you were an ace lesbian?”
Elsa blinked and immediately felt her back straighten. She took a pause; attempting to recall the last time someone asked her such a thing.
No memory came.
In her minimal experience coming out and even less actually being out, no one asked her how or when she knew. She vaguely remembered asking Kristoff how he knew, though that was hardly the same. But every instance that came to mind with her own coming out – Anna, Nani, Ella, and Maren – they all let her say as much or as little as she desired. In Elsa’s case, it was certainly the latter. Perhaps her comrades had simply accepted that Elsa was a private person in general and that when she desired to share more, she would. They simply acknowledged that Elsa would share certain things on her own terms and that, whatever she did choose to speak about, they wouldn’t pry any further. Still, Elsa thought it a bit odd. How had no one asked her that before? Was that not a common question in the LGBTQ+ community? Or was simply LGBT+ an acceptable title? Was it preferable to include as many acronyms as possible, such as LGBTQIAP? Would it make more sense to refer to it as the alphabet mafia – that was a growing term online, was it not? Could she use queer instead or would too many people take offense to that? She knew that Ella and Maren were fine with that terminology, though Elsa never thought of it too much for herself. But there was an awful history behind the word in the first place; perhaps not everyone reclaimed the term in the same way.
Heh. Elsa wasn’t even sure of the proper or most accepted name for her own community to use. Another drawback to having come out, let alone accepting herself, so late in the game, she supposed. Still, how sad was that? It was her own community and she was unsure how to refer to it.
“Why the sudden curiosity?”
Maybe focusing on that would distract her mind from wandering. Or at least from berating herself as she often made a terrible habit of.
It had nothing to do with the fact that she was trying to stall.
“I guess I’ve just been thinking…” Snow thought aloud. She turned her gaze away momentarily, offering no more than a small shrug of one of her shoulders. It was as if she, too, was trying to stall. “I see a lot of people my age come in and they talk about school or maybe they’re buying some candy and say how they’re going to see their friends…. And then I look at you and Maren, and I see Luz talk to her friends when they come in, and how Ella interacts with Aurora…. I know you all are older and have more experience. And you’ve had time to figure things out. But when I look at Luz or everyone else, I guess I just wonder how they have it all together. And how they know these things. School, friends, life, but….” She pulled in her lips, taking another moment as if to consider her wording before meeting Elsa’s gaze again. “I’m not like everyone else, am I?”
There wasn’t necessarily sorrow or brokenness in Snow’s voice. Not entirely, anyway. There was a bit of dejection, but it was mostly realization. A somewhat disappointed epiphany in which Snow was just on the cusp of figuring something out for herself. Something she otherwise never had time to consider.
And how could she? Elsa hadn’t pried too much into Snow’s personal life and, much like most did with Elsa, she let the teen decide how much to divulge to her. But as time went on she had picked up on a few things, whether it was things Snow willingly shared or that Elsa was able to read in between the lines for. She knew that, a year prior to starting at Oaken’s, Snow lost her father and had some kind of falling out with her stepmother. She moved in with her seven uncles. She went to school during the day and then came to Oaken’s right after for her shift. Snow hadn’t talked much about her stepmother, but it didn’t seem as though they had a great relationship. She mentioned a few little facts about her uncles, but it wasn’t until more recently Elsa learned that they lived in a retirement community. And, upon completion of high school, Snow revealed she had no intention of going to college. At least not right away. The money from work was far more important. Throw all of that into a pandemic, which was affecting the world around them in such extreme ways to the point where some schools remain closed and other places fluctuated between being closed, having limited hours, limiting the number of people around, and going about business as usual, it was certainly not a conventional way for someone to enter adulthood.
Then again, Elsa was one to talk, wasn’t she? Her parents’ passing certainly caused her own rite of passage to be quite convoluted.
“That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that,” Elsa spoke, though she was unsure if she said it for Snow’s benefit or her own.
“I know,” she confessed. “But I just feel like…. Part of me missed school when we were closed. Being around everyone else and seeing everyone. Even if I didn’t do anything, being there was a nice distraction from everything. And it kind of is now but…. I know things are still a little uncertain and it’s still confusing. And I do have faith things will get better. But after all that time apart...seeing everyone now...being back there…. It feels strange.”
She took a pause.
“Someone came up to me last week. And he asked me….” With a little color on her cheeks, Snow gently shook her head. “I wasn’t sure how to respond. Just that…. It felt weird. Even though he’s really nice and I feel happy when I see him. But…. But I don’t think it’s the same way. And I don’t know if it’s him or me…. I don’t mind seeing other people like that. I enjoy seeing people so happy. I know when I see you and Maren I don’t feel weird at all. But when he asked….”
Snow pursed her lips in thought. “I just know it felt strange. Or…. A little...not right, I guess. And I’m not entirely sure how or why or what it means. Maybe after all that time away from everyone, I’m just not sure how I fit in with them anymore. Or what this means for me. Just because I enjoy seeing it for everyone else…. But that probably doesn’t make much sense, does it?”
Except it did.
More than Snow likely realized.
Elsa offered her a soft look. “Believe me, I understand that feeling all too well. When you see everyone around you live normal lives – or, I suppose as normal as possible in this case – and you realize you don’t quite fit in the same way but don’t have the vocabulary let alone the experience or the knowledge as to why…. It not only makes it difficult for everyone else to understand, but it can be a bit disheartening.”
Snow’s eyes widened. “You felt that way, too?” she asked in disbelief.
“Why do you act so surprised?” Elsa inquired.
“You’re so smart, organized, and level-headed. You watch out for us and seem like you have everything together even when the customers are screaming at us,” she answered. “You just...you have everything so under control. It’s hard to picture you any other way.”
There were so many reasons for that. Elsa grew up with the mantra of ‘conceal, don’t feel’. Her father taught her that; she was supposed to take over her family’s company when she came of age and for someone in such a high position of power, let alone a woman, she would have to learn not to show how badly something could affect her. It was supposed to be a way of protecting herself. And, for a while, it worked. Even at Oaken’s to the point that it earned her the nickname Snow Queen.
Thanks, Nani, she thought sarcastically.
Perhaps being in any position of power would do that. Especially when Elsa actually cared about her coworkers, she didn’t want anyone to feel like they were at risk. The short time she did have her family’s company was one thing. But, sadly, it could hardly compare to retail. That was an abusive field filled with selfish, entitled and impatient customers who could complain about something as trivial as a twenty-five cent coupon not being taken off or something entirely out of control like why not enough registers were open. Whether it was because they had their own frustrations with life, their fears of having enough money for food because they, too, struggled to earn minimum wage, or because they had ‘typical’ or ‘more important’ jobs and thought themselves better and entitled, Elsa could never say for sure. Here, there was no choice but to simply take the yelling, the complaints, the insults, and the plain abuse. Elsa could be as polite and cordial as any queen but when someone walked past the line, refusing to take the final answer she offered or, worse, when they went so far as to insult one of her more-than-capable coworkers, Elsa could have very well filled the entire store with ice.
Maybe it was Elsa’s way of protecting herself. If she always came across that she had everything under control, if she undertook as much as she could, and if there was anything she could do to protect her coworkers, she absolutely would. There was no need for anyone to worry about her. And, as long as she kept that attitude on display, no one would worry.
It could have also been something as simple as Elsa being a workaholic and a perfectionist. Though, admittedly, she had better control over her perfectionism since the virus broke out. It was difficult under normal circumstances to keep everything in a grocery store completely under control and exactly as it should be. But with people hoarding, some shelves remaining bare, certain items not coming back into stock right away – paper towels, anyone? – Things were always going to be messy or out of place. There would always be discarded or half-eaten food hidden behind the stocked shelves. The belts of the registers would never appear completely clean, regardless of how many times during the day someone tried. There would never be a perfect, sure-fire method to deal with people. It didn’t mean she would stop trying to control what she could and make those perfect, if not close to. But when it came to her work ethic? There was no stopping Elsa. She had a job to do and, regardless of whatever that was, she took her duties very seriously.
Not to mention if she didn’t occupy her mind with something, even if it was as frustrating as work, she would surely go crazy.
“I have to have everything under control. It’s my job. But growing up there was always that same feeling of being out of place. So I understand what you’re going through.” She took a pause. “May I tell you a secret?”
To that, the teen nodded.
Elsa pulled in her lips and lowered her voice.
Not that it made a difference when they were the only two in the break room and, at ten at night there would hardly be a mob taking over the store.
Unless it was a snowstorm or major holiday.
“Sometimes I still do.”
Snow gasped. “Really? Even with Maren?”
“Maren has more experience as well as a deeper and more mature understanding of herself and her sexuality. There is still a lot about me that I need to figure out,” Elsa replied. “But knowing that Maren has all that experience, it…. It can be a little intimidating.”
“You mean you didn’t always know?”
“Not entirely.”
“What made you realize? Were you able to talk to anyone?”
“You have to remember, Snow, this was a different time. And I grew up a bit different from you. Even now, things are different. Back then, I certainly didn’t have the support that I do now.”
“What about Anna?”
“Believe me, if I knew back then how accepting and supportive Anna would be I certainly would have told her much sooner.”
“So what made you stop?”
“Confusion, mostly. And a bit of naivety.”
“You? Really?”
Elsa couldn’t help but giggle at Snow’s surprised reaction. As if it were really that difficult to believe. Then again, Elsa was not a naive person. However, looking back now she could admit where she had been at one point, albeit briefly. “Well when you don’t send any boys so much as a sideways glance and don’t think about them, you’d think that would be an obvious hint.”
Snow tilted her head. “But didn’t you look at girls that way?”
Elsa had to think back for a moment. It should have been an easy question. If she didn’t look at boys that way then surely she would have had to look at girls like that at some point. She would have had to think about going out with them or kissing them or something. In theory, anyone who wasn’t straight should have had a moment of realization early on. And, granted, that could look different for everyone depending on the label as well as the person. Even if many people used the same label, it wasn’t a one size fits all.
But with Elsa, she didn’t just have one label.
She had two.
She was an asexual lesbian.
And attaching one to the other...she wouldn’t say it necessarily screwed up her perception, but it certainly made things more difficult.
“I didn’t think I did,” she admitted at first, brows furrowing at the thought.
“Can I ask what changed your mind?” Snow wondered.
It wasn’t so much of a what, that much Elsa could admit to. If anything, it was more of who and how. A who that led to a how to question what and, finally, to ask why.
Why the hell was she the way she was?
Why did she think and feel the way she did?
Why did she feel so wrong?
Why couldn’t she be normal?
But, to get to all of those why’s, she supposed she had to start with the who.
“Her name was Cass.”
“Cass?” Snow repeated curiously.
“Well, Cassandra, actually,” Elsa said. “But everyone called her Cass.”
“What was she like?” Snow asked.
“She was very different from me. Opinionated; strong; thick-skinned...not exactly outgoing. Certainly not compared to Anna. But she could definitely be more social than I was,” Elsa began. “She was kind of an outcast as well. I was never one to make friends growing up. I focused on my schoolwork and kept to myself. I had Anna and that was usually enough for me. But when I got to high school there were far more pressures. I was reminded of what I had to work for. What I had to live up to. I had to….” She paused to think of the correct wording. It wasn’t so much that she had to be a certain way; at least, not entirely in Elsa’s opinion. But in her parents’ eyes? “.... I had to be perfect.”
She took another pause and shook her head. Reaching to the table, she grabbed her water to take a sip. She thought back to the less-than-ideal time in her life. Then again, as far as Elsa was considered, no time in her life was ever really ideal. Perhaps lonely was the better terminology to use in this particular case.
“I wouldn’t say that Cass and I were friends. We just so happened to be in a couple of classes together and eat lunch at the same table,” she explained as she set her bottle down. “By high school standards, Cass was definitely a jock. I don’t remember how many sports she played, exactly, but she was on the fencing and football teams. The only female, naturally. It was the typical fight against sexism to prove that girls are just as capable as boys. And, because of that, Cass didn’t seem too friendly around people either. I guess she knew she was walking around with a target on her back. She never seemed to mind it. Every time someone would make a comment in the cafeteria, she’d act as if nothing happened. Or maybe sometimes she’d make a comment about how loud it was or have some sort of snappy comeback. I admired that about her; how she didn’t let anything anyone said get to her. She just went about her life and kept doing the things she enjoyed. I could never just tune people out like that.”
“You remember so much about her, though,” Snow observed. “Are you sure you weren’t friends?”
“Heh.” Elsa simply attributed that to her attention to detail. And, maybe to an extent, her perfectionism. She wanted to be sure she was remembering everything as accurately as she could. Though she highly doubted she would ever tell the story again, admittedly she never actively thought about how she knew specifically what she was. She just knew this led to it. “I think we were more acquaintances than anything. But maybe….” She lost herself in thought for a moment, fiddling with the edges of her fingers. “I don’t know…. Maybe aside from Anna, Cassandra was the closest thing I did have to a friend. She did look out for me. She acknowledged and put in effort with me. And, I don’t know, maybe Luz has a point when she talks about her friends.”
“That weirdoes have to stick together?” Snow finished.
Weirdoes; outcasts; same difference, Elsa supposed. But the sentiment was the same. “Exactly.”
“What happened?” Snow asked.
“It started with a carnival. Cass brought it up at lunch one day and said it sounded dumb but she might check it out for kicks. She suggested I come along.” Elsa leaned her head back a little, eyes skimming up at the ceiling. She could almost picture that night. The lights. The questionable food. The games. The rides. The sounds. The people. Ugh, the people. It became all too real when she pictured herself sitting across from Cassandra as well as the unexpected third member of their party.
“I didn’t realize she was bringing a date that night,” she confessed. “It’s not that it was awkward. Not entirely, anyway. She didn’t treat me like a third wheel or tune me out. And her date was polite enough. But there were these little instances. The way she looked at her a bit too long or these little movements that she did. Actually seeing her smile…. Cass wasn’t exactly one to do that a lot. It felt….” Her brows furrowed as she struggled to find the right word. It felt strange to say awkward when moments ago Elsa had just admitted the interactions weren’t so. Still, there had been something about it that didn’t quite sit right with her. She imagined herself watching the two of them again. Sitting across the table from them as they ate junk food yet somehow still feeling like she was so far away. Listening to their interactions and feeling uncertain of how to respond. Resorting to keeping quiet and waiting to speak until spoken to. Keeping a few paces extra behind them as they navigated through the area. Standing back as she watched the girlfriend eagerly play some games and Cass stayed by her side. There were moments where Elsa felt included and yet…. Somehow she also didn’t. Even if there was not really any PDA between Cassandra and her girlfriend...or date...whoever she had been...there were still those little things that didn’t sit right with Elsa. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Certainly not then. And even now, looking back on it, she struggled to pick out what specifically caused her so much discomfort.
But, to an extent, she did know.
“It didn’t bother me seeing or hearing about my classmates have their own lives or go to parties. Not entirely. But when I’d see them in the hallway holding hands with someone or kissing someone, it felt…. It felt like I was invading their privacy somehow. I couldn’t help but turn my head away or feel weird about it. I never really liked people getting too close to me anyway, so I guess it was just difficult to imagine how others could enjoy being on top of someone else when I couldn’t fathom such a thing. I didn’t look at someone and think that I wanted to kiss them or even be close to them. I figured I had my priorities and the pressure my parents put on me only added to that. How could I have time to do any of that when I had so many other things to focus on?” Elsa scoffed lightly at the realization. “Stereotypical asexual thoughts, according to the internet. Too bad that came nearly ten years too late.”
“I thought a lot of these labels existed for a long time,” Snow commented.
Elsa’s eyes fell on the teen briefly. She stared at her knowingly, as if to silently confirm that Snow had been doing her own research.
It was almost like looking into a magic mirror in some ways. Elsa and Snow were very much different people but at the same time, there were these little similarities that would easily cause someone to mistake them for actual sisters.
The pale skin tones were merely coincidence.
“They did. And many new labels will continue to pop up as a way to promote inclusivity and cater to each individual. Because sometimes people need more than one label. Or one label may feel right yet not completely resonate. People are all fluid and different, and while not everyone may need those boxes to fit into there should be those boxes that reflect each individual. So that if someone decides one box does not fit they're free to jump into the next one that might feel more accurate. Unfortunately many schools don’t focus on teaching us about queer culture or even the most basic of the labels. And there are many naysayers who, regardless of how you identify, will try to tell you that you don’t exist,” Elsa explained. “The former is primarily why I was unaware of the word asexual for so long. School, society, and the media teach us that our ultimate goal in life is to meet a partner of the opposite sex, marry them, and procreate. It’s the typical assumption. And if we do not want that or see that for ourselves then something must be wrong. I was only able to get away with not acknowledging that for as long as I did because I was so focused on school. And, of course, because I didn’t know any better. The feeling or knowledge of not wanting something may always be there, but ultimately if people do not understand then they won’t accept. Cassandra was the catalyst that caused me to begin thinking otherwise.”
“Did you talk to her about it?” Snow asked.
Elsa pursed her lips. “What do you think?”
Pause.
“No…?” she squeaked.
Elsa could only shrug. “I did what I always do…. I ran. I avoided Cass for as long as I possibly could. And when she finally cornered me, there was no escaping or denying. She asked if I had been jealous.”
“Were you?” Snow wondered.
Was she…? Back then Elsa had insisted that she wasn’t. But then, why had she run the way she did? Why did she go to such extreme measures to avoid Cassandra? Why did it make her feel so uncomfortable when she imagined her with the other girl? Why did she retreat the way she did? Why did she suddenly start questioning everything every time she was around Cassandra?
“Yes and no,” she answered after a long pause. “I can’t say honestly if I was jealous because of the relationship. Because, with how little I knew, there’s no way for me to say with certainty that I wanted the same things. Comparing what I know and feel now, especially having experienced real feelings, to what I was experiencing back then…. There’s no correlation in my mind. They are two completely different instances. I couldn’t even tell right away what I was feeling towards Maren. I can’t answer accurately whether my feelings for Cass were romantic or platonic. Of course I was happy for her that there was someone who didn’t treat her like an outcast and that she did find acceptance somewhere. But when, up until that point, it had otherwise been with me; when she was the only other person I knew; when I didn’t know her to willingly spend time around anyone else; then yes, I suppose in that sense I was jealous.”
Elsa sighed. “But when she finally accepted my no as final, she questioned if I had a problem with her being gay. And as soon as she said those words out loud, that’s what gave me permission to question. I compared the girls to the boys, trying to figure out who was cuter. If I found one slightly more attractive than the other. I wondered what it was that anyone saw. What the big deal was. How anyone could….”
Her eyes moved to the side, focusing on a corner of the floor. “It was after a big game. Even if I wasn't really talking to Cass at that point, I still wanted to go out and support her…. Well, that, and Anna wanted to gawk at the cute older boys.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t into the game at all. I just…. I focused on Cass. I watched her the whole time. At the tail end of the game, she blocked a major play on the other team. Had they made that touchdown they would have won. But she stopped it all on her own. And suddenly everyone was cheering for her. After all that time of casting her aside and treating her differently...they were happy for her. I went down to congratulate her and….”
Her voice faded. Elsa felt her hands tighten around her water bottle, not realizing she’d been holding it at all until she heard the crack of the plastic between her fingers. It snapped her out of her vision, but only partially. As the bottle crackled she could see the cracks in the imaginary screen before her. She saw herself making her way through the crowd to find Cassandra. One crack to the corner.
She saw the girl being lifted in the air by her teammates. Elsa made her way closer. A small crack to the center.
Cassandra was lowered to the ground. She had a huge grin on her face and her fist in the air victoriously. There were cheers and laughter in the background. A crack down the side.
Then, just as Elsa was about to call her name, she stopped herself. The date ran into Cassandra’s arms. Cassandra wrapped her free arm around the girl and ended up pulling her into a passionate kiss. A final crack slashed diagonally through the entirety of the screen.
And, just like that, Elsa felt herself sinking all over again.
She didn’t know if she wanted that.
She didn’t know if she wanted that kiss.
That passion.
That joy.
She didn’t even know if she wanted someone’s arm around her like that.
Or to be that close to someone.
She just….
She wanted Cass.
Elsa shut her eyes, as if to turn off that screen in her mind entirely.
“Elsa…?”
Snow may have spoken quietly, but her high pitch brought an unquestionable ringing to Elsa’s ear. She opened her eyes; allowing her blue pools to fall on a saddened, if not dazed, Snow.
Elsa shook her head. She didn’t need to bother Snow with the messy details that followed. The way she had tried to come out to her mother and then her father. She wasn’t going to further shatter the young woman’s hope of something better with the crushing defeat that came with rejection. Elsa had already had that conversation with Anna, Kristoff, and Maren. She did not need to share more than the basics to anyone else.
“I tried to explain to my mother after that. She sounded understanding, but didn’t want my father to worry. So she suggested it was best that I drop it altogether. So I did,” she said simply. “When I did try with my father when I was eighteen, he acted less than favorably. Some insulting language was dropped and….” She shook her head. “And that was the end of it. I pushed everything out of my head for as long as I could after that. When I had to focus on school, Anna, her school, my family’s legacy, money…. Those were what mattered. That was where my focus needed to be. I couldn’t let anything distract me anymore.”
“I’m so sorry, Elsa,” Snow apologized.
“Snow, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” the taller promised. She reached across the table, lightly draping the edge of her fingertips over Snow’s hand. “Everyone’s story is different. There is no right or wrong way to figure something out. Or to be. And it took me a long time to learn and accept that.”
“Are you ok now?” Snow asked hopefully.
“Better than I have been in a long time,” Elsa admitted with a bit of comfort to her voice. That much, she could say with certainty. “But that’s also because I have everyone supporting me now. I didn’t have that luxury when I was younger.”
“Do you think any of that’s me at all?” Snow wondered. “Am I like you at all?”
She asked it with equal parts curiosity and hope. Snow may have been unsure of herself but there was one thing that she knew for certain – she admired her sisters greatly. She never made that a secret. Maren joked many times before that Elsa was Snow’s favorite sister. Elsa highly doubted that, as she always believed Snow was at her most comfortable around Maren. After all, why would anyone want to be like Elsa?
It was so tempting to just answer Snow. For Elsa to put the pieces together in her head, go home and do research, and return with an exact label and description for Snow that fit her perfectly. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t already making assumptions; the wheels were turning, connecting the dots and putting her onto the path of a real possibility. But that wasn’t for Elsa to decide. She could guide Snow or make suggestions, certainly. No, it didn’t sound as though Snow was entirely like Elsa. But the similarities were sticking out like a sore thumb. And if Elsa said any of that, let alone implied anything, Snow would likely take her words to heart and accept them as the truth. She had to come to the conclusion on her own rather than let someone else dictate it for her.
“That’s something only you can answer,” she replied. “There’s no timeline you have to be on. There’s no one answer. There’s no one label. Maybe you’re not sure now, but that just means the possibilities are wide open. You can be absolutely anything.”
The sentiment seemed to pique Snow’s interest. Her eyes lit up at Elsa’s encouragement. “Really?”
Elsa nodded and allowed herself to give Snow’s hand a squeeze. “And I promise, whatever you turn out to be - gay, bi, pan, omni, asexual, aromantic, demi, straight, queer – any combination of any orientation, be it sexual, romantic, or gender – however many labels you choose and whoever you turn out to be, whenever you figure it out, you will always be my sister. Understand?”
For a moment Snow remained seated across from Elsa, staring at her with wide eyes and her mouth agape. It was as if she were taking in the moment. That even if she didn’t get the answers she was hoping for and even if she didn’t have any answers yet, she had the most important one. Maybe she didn’t have safety and acceptance before; maybe her life wasn’t going the way she expected it; maybe she wasn’t like everyone else in the ‘typical’ way. But she had Elsa; she had support; she had acceptance; she had family. Realizing that, Snow jumped out of her seat and made her way around to Elsa’s side of the table. All too quickly for Elsa’s preference, Snow wrapped her arms around the blonde in a tight hug. Elsa felt her body freeze and she couldn’t help but let a squeak escape her.
“Snow….”
Gasping quietly, the teen took a large step back. “Oh! I’m so sorry! I forgot to ask….”
So many times in the past Snow had been good about that. She accepted Elsa’s boundaries and did try to ask permission every time. But, every once in a while, the girl became too excited and emotional for her own good.
“It’s fine,” Elsa exhaled. “Just….” She looked to her pseudo sister apologetically. “Maybe next time?”
Snow immediately nodded. “Ok.”
Elsa gave her a small smile. She wished she felt better about accepting a hug at that moment, especially after such a breakthrough moment with her. But….
But maybe she could do the next best thing instead.
Standing from her seat, Elsa very quickly towered over Snow’s tiny frame. Her eyes lowered to meet Snow’s surprised gaze. Then, taking a small breath, Elsa held out her hand to the teen. Snow’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She looked at Elsa’s hand, then at her, and then back at the hand, as if to ask silently if it was really ok. With a single nod from Elsa, Snow wasted no more time before cupping her hands around it. True to her word of holding back, Snow kept her grip gentle and left some space between the two of them. Elsa couldn’t help but smile at the girl’s enthusiasm, feeling the acceptance and love through one simple action. There was never any question or any judgment from Snow. She didn’t need to know anything about Elsa’s feelings or comfort level. She just wanted to know that she could give something to her sister, whenever that was. Elsa allowed herself to take a small step closer to Snow, giving the teen permission to lean in more to her. Snow responded by tilting her head, letting it rest against the edge of Elsa’s shoulder. Elsa took a breath, relaxing in the moment with her sister. She would give Snow as much time as she needed. The relief of being out, even on any level, was something to bask in. And it was something that Snow deserved. Not like the crushing moments that Elsa experienced nor the anxiety that came with coming out to the people she trusted. Elsa experienced too much fear in the possibility of being rejected and in the belief that there had been something wrong with her. Snow was not going to experience any of that; not with Elsa. And if this closeness served as any confirmation to her and was any part of what Snow wanted or needed in this moment? Then so be it. Snow would have all of the support that Elsa needed at that age, whatever that looked like.
There were faint footsteps behind her. Elsa tilted her head slightly, just enough to see Maren enter the break room. The brunette didn’t say anything; she only quietly removed the mask from her face, revealing her smile at the sweet scene before her. Elsa couldn’t help but shake her head. She knew she was never going to hear the end of it from Maren later. Maren approached, but kept a bit of distance between them so as to not overwhelm Elsa. When she was close enough, Elsa held out her free hand. Maren gently took it in hers. She lightly caressed it with her finger and inched closer. Elsa glanced down at their hands, taking notice of the space between their bodies in the process. No, she didn’t want to get too close to anyone physically tonight. It wasn’t something she particularly felt she wanted or needed in that moment. But simply being surrounded by a few of the people that meant the most to her? Being reminded that, after reliving her queer realization, Elsa was in a place that she never could have imagined before. For so long she questioned if she could be who she was. If she could even accept who she was. And maybe, after too much time had passed, Anna accepted her with open arms. Outside of her own sister, Elsa was unsure if anyone else could do the same. If anyone else would want to do the same. And now?
She had a second sister in Snow. One who was starting to realize that maybe, in one way or another, she was like Elsa. And she was looking to the blonde for guidance, support, and encouragement. She could give Snow what she didn’t have growing up. And, most importantly, she could give Snow exactly what she needed. Elsa had dealt with so much self-doubt and brokenness in her journey. If she could prevent anyone else from feeling that way…. She never wanted Snow to experience that. And with Snow, there were never any questions. At times her reaction almost echoed Anna’s sentiments. They were sisters no matter what.
And at her side was her girlfriend. A word that, at one point, Elsa never thought she would use let alone would be allowed to think. A girlfriend. A partner. A support system. Someone who accepted, encouraged, protected, and lifted her up. Even if sometimes Elsa still had doubts or questions, Maren always did her best to silence them. It wasn’t a perfect relationship; they still had a ways to go. They would always find things to learn about each other. There were still compromises to be had. There would be good days and bad days. But Maren made it perfectly clear that she was in this with Elsa. And, as much as she could tell Maren wanted to know what was going on right now, she kept her mouth shut. She just seemed to be enjoying the moment. There was no prying. There was no pressure. There were no questions. Just….
Comfort.
Happiness.
Home.
That was where Elsa was.
Realizing that, she lifted her and Maren’s hands, bringing them to her lips and softly placing a kiss on them.
It was a gesture that typically only Maren had done up to that point. When Elsa would rebuke or feel any awkwardness on any other physical interactions, there would always be that one simple gesture. The smallest, quickest action for Maren to do to let Elsa know that she saw and accepted her. And something that would ultimately send a surge of power and warmth through Elsa’s body.
But this time, Elsa got to be the one to complete the gesture. Suddenly she could see why Maren did it as often as she did. Why that was always the first thought. As Maren took a step closer, Elsa pulled Maren’s hand in, resting it against her heart. She could feel the warmth surging through her body once again. And it was no wonder that Elsa so readily accepted those small moments of affection from Maren.
She had no words for it; only one thought.
That it was, without a doubt, the best damn feeling she ever experienced.
It didn’t matter that she was still in Oaken’s. It didn’t matter that it was only two of the small circle of people Elsa had come to accept as her friends and family. It didn’t matter that there was still space between them. It didn’t matter that it was the smallest possible gesture.
The only thing that mattered was that she was home.