Work Text:
Remus Lupin was bisexual.
Everyone knew that. When he had first come out, at the beginning of fourth year, of course it was big news. A third of the school thought he was disgusting, a third of thought he was ‘just confused’ and the last third supported him. It was sort of old news now, and most people had grown to either accept that part of Remus or to not accept Remus at all. The Marauders, of course, had been his biggest supporters right from the start. Remus had told the three of them and Lily about it before he came out publicly (with a dick of a bloke named Elton Smith). Sirius was maybe the slowest of them to accept it - somehow Lily had already known, James just slapped Remus on the back and congratulated him, and within two days Peter was alright with it.
It took Sirius a longer time to accept it. His parents had always drilled into him that the point of sex was to produce heirs . His mother had burned his Uncle Alphard off the family tree for running off with a man, and that was the only experience Sirius had with gay people. Before Remus, that is.
Eventually he got alright with it, and he’d told Remus that it was fine. The werewolf had pulled him into a hug, in which Sirius stayed stiff, but Remus had thanked him profusely.
Sirius thought maybe it was a bit unfair that Remus had to thank people for accepting who he was.
Sirius thought maybe it was a dick move of him to spend such a long time thinking before accepting one of his best friends for who he was.
That was all in the past now, though. The end of fifth year was quickly approaching, and Sirius was having a crisis.
two months ago
“Bugger off, James, what are we, third year girls? We are not playing Spin the Bottle.”
“What are you so scared of, Sirius? Making out with Peter?” James laughed, nudging the boy in question playfully. “He’s not that bad of a kisser. Ask Mary, she’ll confirm.”
“Ugh. I’m sick of seeing them snog on the loveseat.” Remus let out a soft laugh as the two in question pulled apart from each other. The common room was nearly completely deserted - only the five of them were down there (Remus, Sirius, James, Peter, and Peter’s girlfriend Mary McDonald).
Peter rolled his eyes at the three that were sitting on the floor, and grabbed Mary’s hand, standing up. “See you lads in the morning, yeah?”
Sirius gave a weak, drunk wolf whistle as Peter led Mary out of the Common Room, supposedly to the Room of Requirement.
Sirius let out a triumphant ‘hmph!’. “Can’t play Spin the Bottle with three blokes and not a bird in sight, can we?.”
Remus raised his eyebrow at Sirius and grabbed a discarded beer bottle from near him, tossing it to James. “Try me.”
James laughed, winking casually at nobody in particular and setting the beer bottle in the middle of the little circle the three of them had made on the floor. He flicked it with his finger and watched it spin, slower and slower, and finally land on Remus.
Sirius felt relief bubble up inside him.
James put one hand on Remus’ shoulder and leaned in, placing a chaste kiss on the werewolf’s lips. He pulled back, giving Sirius a pointed look. “Don’t be such a girl, Padfoot.”
“Sorta the point, isn’t it?” grumbled Sirius. “None of us here are girls.”
“Ever the avid heterosexual, aren’t you, Sirius?” Remus rolled his eyes in the boy’s general direction and reached his hand out and spun the bottle for his turn.
It landed on Sirius. Of course it did - he had no chance of escaping a kiss from a bloke this way forever.
His gray eyes looked up and met Remus’ hazel ones, which were dancing with mischief.
Maybe he just had to find another way to escape the kiss. He flipped Remus the bird, then stood up and marched off towards the stairs up to the dorm.
He heard James call his name from behind him but he ignored it, taking the first step up towards the dormitory.
Remus stood up and stomped towards Sirius, grabbing the Animagus’ shoulder and spinning him around. Remus gripped the front of Sirius’ shirt and pulled him towards himself. Their lips crashed together.
James laughed, loud and clear, from behind them. Remus pulled away from Sirius, a smile in his eyes. “Night, Pads.” he said, his tone light and teasing. Sirius, unsure what to do, made a vague noise of acknowledgement, turned around and walked up the stairs, bewildered.
For two weeks after that, life was fine . It went back to normal. Classes started, the full moon passed without incident, and Peter finally told them what had happened with Mary in the Room of Requirement that night (no sex, to Sirius’ disappointment - just long-night talks and cuddles). Sirius didn’t even think of the kiss all that much.
He brought it up, once, to James, while they were sitting alone in the dormitory. “...and I don’t even think about it all that much anymore! Of course for two days or so after, all I could do was think about it, but everything’s back to normal now. We’re all good.”
James had looked at him as if he was crazy. “Sirius…” he began. “It was just a kiss. You shouldn’t have really thought about it at all.”
Sirius scoffed. “Right. You kissed him too, y’know! I’m sure you thought about it too.”
James’ lips parted open slightly and he shook his head slowly. “No, Sirius. I didn’t.”
“What, you didn’t? Like, about his lips and how they felt on yours? Or the way he smiled into the kiss, and his lips parted slightly, and how he smelled like old books and chocolate?”
James just stared at Sirius. Sirius’ face blanched as he realized what he had said.
“It sounded different in my head! James, y’know what I mean. You didn’t think about it at all? ”
James just sighed and looked back down to the book that was in his lap. Sirius let out a soft breath.
“Shit…”
That was when things first started to go downhill. Suddenly Remus was always on Sirius’ mind. He started to notice little things the werewolf did, like how he always placed a napkin on his lap when he ate, or how he kept a copy of his favorite book ( Oliver Twist , by Charles Dickens) in his bag at all times, and how his hair glinted a dull gold in the sun, and how he bit on his lower lip when studying, or when he was nervous, or when he was leaning in to kiss his boyfriend, Gideon…
Fuck . His boyfriend. God, how Sirius hated him. Gideon Prewitt was the epitome of annoying. He was funny, good-looking, smart, attentive, and cared more about Remus than anything else. James had once told him that Gideon and Sirius were basically the same person, outside of their looks, and Sirius had nearly thrown fists then and there. He was nothing like that prat.
Except, maybe he was, because Gideon had recently planned a brilliant prank with Remus. They had turned the hair of every single Slytherin fifth year red and gold, making them all walking mascots of Gryffindor. That, at least, Sirius could respect. The way they had made out in the middle of the common room after the successful execution of the prank and avoiding detention, though, Sirius could certainly not respect.
He had told Remus as much that night, after crawling into his bed, all huffy. James and Peter had fallen asleep, but Remus and Sirius always seemed to be able to stay up later than the others. They spent countless late nights talking and even just sitting in silence with each other.
Remus had frowned at Sirius. “What, am I not allowed to kiss my boyfriend?”
“It’s not that !” Sirius had protested, crossing his arms and pouting. “It’s just that.. that… well, y’know!”
“Sirius, is it because I’m queer?” Remus’ voice turned cold.
“What? Rem, no, of cour-“
“Sirius, I thought you were over this! I know you were raised to believe it was- wrong, or whatever, but gods , you can unlearn all of that shit, y’know!”
“Remus-“
Remus let out a sigh, slipping down under his blankets. “I’m tired, Sirius. Can… let’s talk about this later, okay?”
Sirius paused for a moment, opening his mouth as if to say something, but eventually sighed as well and slipped off the bed. He closed the curtain behind him and curled up in his own bed, feeling as if he had messed something up badly.
They never did end up talking about it, but the next day Remus treated Sirius as if nothing had happened, a ghost of a smile lingering on his face. So Sirius let it go, and returned Remus’ smile, and smeared strawberry jam on his toast for him like he did every morning. By lunch Sirius had nearly forgotten it even happened.
What he wasn’t able to forget, though, was whatever was growing inside of him, making him constantly aware of Remus, constantly looking at Remus, talking to Remus, wanting to be with Remus. Whatever it was, he didn’t like it and he wanted it gone. And it was all because of that wretched kiss.
Remus, in Transfiguration, dropped a quill and Sirius was so quick to stand up and pick it up for him that even Professor McGonagall gave him a weird look. He carried Remus’ textbooks from class to class (although this wasn’t particularly out of the ordinary, he did it a lot right after the Full, when Remus was tired). He even had the audacity to run his hand through Remus’ hair while they were sitting by the lake with Lily once, although Remus slapped his hand away.
“Hey!” Sirius pouted at him. “Your hair is soft.”
“So is Lily’s, but I don’t see you messing with it.” Remus retorted, laughing softly. Lily placed a hand on top of her head, protecting her fiery red hair.
“Keep your oily hands away from me, Black, or else!”
The whole ‘hanging out with Lily’ thing was a new development as well. Remus had been friends with her ever since second year, when she helped him get some nasty green slime that was supposed to be a Shrinking Solution out of his hair. She had stayed a good ten feet away from all of the other Marauders at all times, though, (12 from James, for good measure), because they were definitely not her crowd.
Recently, though (as in last week) it seemed James’ magic had finally worked on her. She had never agreed to go on a date when he offered, of course - it would upset her dignity - but she turned the tables and asked him out instead, over morning potatoes. James had sputtered, eyes bulging, and wasn’t even able to say anything before Lily grinned and told him to meet her at the Three Broomsticks next Hogsmeade Weekend. Ever since then, she had grown more comfortable being around them, and let herself hang out with Sirius and Peter, given that Remus was there too. She still called them ‘Black’ and ‘Pettigrew’ but that was all well and good, since Sirius only ever called her ‘Evans’.
Nevertheless, the addition of Lily, even just partially, into their friend group had completely shifted the dynamic. Sirius hardly ever found alone time with Remus now, since he was always with Lily. The past three nights, when Sirius would slip into Remus’ curtains to talk, Remus had been pretending to be asleep. It was obvious he was pretending. When Remus actually slept, he snored like a wolf.
That night, Sirius didn’t bother to try to talk to Remus. It was clear that the werewolf didn’t want to talk to him, and oblivious as Sirius could be sometimes, he did his best to respect boundaries. He wasn’t about to complain, though, when Remus padded gently across the dormitory floor and slipped into Sirius’ bed instead.
“Hey,” Sirius said tentatively, sitting up. Remus crawled up beside him, putting his legs under the blanket next to Sirius and leaning his back against the headboard.
“I owe you an apology.” Remus sighed and looked down at his hands. “I know you’re not homophobic. I’m sorry I was rude to you that night and didn’t let you talk, and I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you. I just… that was sorta a bad day for me, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
Sirius shrugged. “It’s okay. Hey, it’s not like I haven’t done the same to you before.”
Remus gave him a shy, grateful smile. The two sat in silence for a bit, before Sirius asked, “Why was it a bad day for you?”
Remus let out a small sigh. He leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling. “Gideon broke up with me in private, after we had that kiss.”
Sirius’ jaw dropped, and he spun to face Remus. “What?! That git! I will murder him, he was lucky to have you! I’m so sorry, Remus.”
The werewolf laughed softly, patting Sirius on the shoulder. “It’s alright. I’m over it now. It was for the best. I’m too… hung up over somebody else.”
Sirius frowned. “Who? Do I know him? Or her, I suppose.”
Remus shrugged, giving Sirius a sad smile. “He’s from my past. I don’t think you’d recognize him.”
Sirius nodded and closed his eyes gently, laying down under the blankets. He was already half asleep when he heard Remus sigh softly, and he was nearly sure he was dreaming when he felt lips press against his forehead and heard of curtains rustle shut.
Sirius didn’t murder Gideon the next day, but he came very close to attacking him. It had slipped his attention that, indeed; Remus and Gideon had talked less and less the past few days, but it was obvious now. They didn’t sit close to each other at meals anymore, and Remus had retreated even more into his studies and Prefect duties. At breakfast the next morning, Gideon had walked by their group, exchanging a tense smile with Remus. Sirius nearly clobbered him, but James’ hand on his arm stopped him.
It occurred to him, somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, that his reactions shouldn’t be as strong as they were. Yeah, he had a right to be upset over the fact that Gideon had hurt his friend but… well, he didn’t exactly react that way whenever Lily turned James down. Nor could he see himself wanting to punch Mary if she and Peter broke up unexpectedly.
But Moony was, well, different. While Peter and James were all pranks and laughs and teasing each other, Remus was… warm. All sweaters and books and milky tea with honey instead of sugar, and melted chocolate sticking to his fingers. Remus was passionate and overly stubborn, Remus was cold winters snuggling in a blanket, Remus was floppy sleeves hanging over the edges of his hands, Remus was too tall too fit under the cloak with three anymore, but still somehow able to fold himself small enough to fit in that little crevice by the window in their dorm.
Maybe Sirius thought too much about Remus. Friends shouldn’t think about each other like that, should they? Friends don’t notice the way snowflakes rested on their mate’s eyelashes, or how their mate’s lips turned slightly blue when it was too cold in the potions dungeons, or how it took their mates exactly three seconds gulping down hot tea before their lips regained warmth.
But Remus was Sirius’ mate. That’s all. And Sirius was straight, anyways.
So why couldn’t he stop thinking about the kiss?
Sirius spent the next month or so dealing with the situation. And by ‘dealing with the situation’ he meant avoiding eye contact with Remus, limiting their late night conversations, and taking every opportunity to reinforce his ‘avid heterosexuality.’
He started dating Layne Schmitt, a sixth year Slytherin, the next week - much to James’ chagrin. She turned out to be exceptionally sweet, though, and she quickly blended in to Sirius’ daily routine.
Remus gave Sirius a small grin over the table at lunch the next day, which Sirius returned, but he was distracted. He had one arm sling around Layne, and was listening semi-intently as they discussed the latest Arithmancy assignment.
Remus let out a sigh and walked out of the Great Hall, leaving his ravioli unfinished on his plate. James, inexplicably, followed him out. Peter was sitting with Mary at the other end of the table, so Sirius was left alone with Layne.
Layne brushed a lock of brown hair out of her eyes, grinning at Sirius. She reached out and ran her fingers over his cheekbone. “What do you think of… meeting me later tonight?”
Of course he agreed.
Later that night, while Remus and James were studying in the latter’s bed, Sirius stepped into the bathroom to get ready to meet Layne.He pulled his long black hair into a sloppy bun, securing it with his wand, and whispered a small charm to hide the little bit of acne that he did have. James and Remus both gave him a weird look as he left the dormitory, before retreating back into their hushed whispers. Sirius suspected they were talking about him.
As he walked towards the Astronomy Tower, where he had agreed to meet Layne, he was hit with a realization. James was hanging out a lot around Remus. He left the Great Hall with him, sat with him on the same bed while studying, and seemed to always have an arm sling around the boy. Were… were they dating?
A surge of anger rushed through Sirius. He stopped in his tracks abruptly, eyes wide. Why was he angry? James and Remus had every right to be with each other if they wanted.
He wasn’t simply angry they were dating, though. He wasn’t even angry that neither of them had told him! He was jealous of James , his best mate .
Woah. He wasn’t jealous, no way. He was straight. He didn’t give a damn shit about who Remus was slipping his dick into. But why couldn’t he stop shaking at the thought? His hand formed into a fist.
They couldn’t be dating, he reasoned with himself. It didn’t make sense. They would’ve told him, and Sirius would’ve found out somehow, and besides, wasn’t James still obsessed with Evans? They were meeting for their second date tomorrow night. James would never go behind Lily’s back like that, and neither would Remus. They were just friends.
Everything was fine. Sirius wasn’t jealous, either. And he definitely didn’t want to feel Remus’ lips slide along his neck, his jawline, his collarbone, feel the way his hands would wrap around his waist…
That fucking kiss. It was ruining Sirius’ life.
He didn’t have the guts to meet Layne that night. And the next morning, she very purposefully ignored him. And that was the end of that relationship.
“Sirius, I won’t say you’re known for your longevity in your relationships, but damn , that didn’t last long. You were with her for what, two days? What could you have done to turn her off from you so fast?”
Sirius looked up at Peter. James and Remus (sitting next to each other, Sirius noted) were looking at him with curiosity, too. He shrugged, stabbing some of the scrambled eggs in his plate with a fork.
“I dunno. Guess she just wasn’t the one.”
“Weren’t you supposed to meet her to… I dunno, shag or something last night?”
Sirius shrugged. “Wasn’t in the mood.”
James let out a laugh. “Sirius Orion Black, you are always in the mood for a shag.”
Sirius glared at James, letting his fork fall onto the plate with a clatter. “I just wasn’t, okay? Stay the fuck out of it!” He grabbed his school bag and, without looking at any of them, stormed out of the Great Hall.
James and Remus exchanged a look while Peter reached over and started eating the rest of Sirius’ breakfast. “What’s gotten into him? ”
Remus shrugged, softly, and stood up. “I’ll go find him. I’m sure he just needs someone to talk too.”
Remus was not, in fact, able to find him. Sirius didn’t show up to Double Transfiguration, either. None of them saw him until lunch, where he sat far away from their usual seat and flipped James the bird when he tried to talk to him. He didn’t go to Potions or Herbology, so Remus was forced to gather the material for the day to bring to him.
James didn’t seem too bothered when the dormitory was devoid of Sirius as well. “He’s probably just in one of those moods, I’m sure he’ll show up sooner or later.”
Remus didn’t seem too convinced, so he dropped the books off on his bed and set out to look for Sirius again. It was going to get dark soon, and dinner would start in an hour or so. and he wanted to try to resolve… whatever was going on before then.
He found him sulking at the foot of a tree by the lake. Remus silently walked up to him and took a seat by him, tapping the boy’s knee to get his attention. Sirius shrugged him off.
“Not in the mood, Remus, bugger off.”
Remus didn’t, of course, bugger off, but he sat by Sirius in silence instead. As he suspected, the boy decided to talk on his own.
“Fuck, Remus, I hate this.” He stood up and started pacing back and forth, so Remus got up and leaned against the tree, watching Sirius move. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s been more than a fucking month, and I can’t stop fucking thinking about that kiss!”
“Which kiss?” Remus asked softly, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Sirius pointed an accusing finger at him.
“You! Your kiss! Your fucking, Spin the Bottle kiss!” Sirius sputtered, flipping some of his hair out of his face.
Remus made a small noise in the back of his throat.
“God dammit, Remus! I hate it. And then I thought you were dating James - don’t look at me like that, I know you’re not, but I thought you were! And I should’ve been fucking fine with it, because you can do whatever the fuck you want, but I wasn’t, Remus. I was angry! Angry and.. and.. and jealous! Of fucking James . And I can’t stop thinking about the kiss, about how soft your lips were,” Sirius made a vague motion with his hands. “And then I started noticing little things - like how you always lick the chocolate off your index finger first, and Remus that made me fucking hard and I didn’t know why ,”
Remus was blushing profusely by now, and had buried his face in his hands. “Sirius…”
“And I couldn’t go meet Layne because I couldn’t stop thinking about you and it’s all your fucking fault !” Sirius jabbed Remus in the chest with his finger, staring at him.
Remus opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius interrupted.
“If you hadn’t fucking kissed me like that, none of this would’ve happened! I wouldn’t be like this! I wouldn’t want to kiss you more , Remus!”
“You…” Remus’ lips parted open slightly. “You want to kiss me more?”
Sirius crossed his arms, frustrated. “Gods, yes, Remus. Catch on, will you?”
“Sirius, you’re straight.”
“Apparently fucking not! Apparently I’m fucking bent as a drag queen, because all I can do is think about your lips,” Sirius’ gaze dropped down to look at Remus’ lips, and he calmed down a bit, talking a little slower, quieter. “about your lips and.. and how I want to kiss you.
Sirius found himself placing one hand on the trunk of the tree Remus was leaning on, and the other wrapped around Remus’ waist. A breath caught in Moony’s throat, and he closed his eyes. Sirius’ lips gently met his own.
Remus pulled back almost instantly. “Sirius, are you sure? Because I don’t want to be a fucking experiment for you. I don’t want you to.. to leave me after you’ve decided you’re sick of being gay, because that wouldn’t just break my heart, it would ruin us. It would ruin the Marauders.”
Sirius stepped back, suddenly a bit self conscious at what he had just done. “I… Remus… I’m sure. It’s all I want. And I think you want it too, and if not… well, I hope you’ll let me try and convince you?” The end of it came out as a question, and Remus paused.
He thought for a moment, tucking his head down and looking at his feet. Sirius bit his lower lip, frowning nervously. He was just about to open his mouth, about to laugh it off and claim it was a prank, when Remus nodded slowly. “Okay…” he breathed out.
Sirius kissed him hard, pressing him back against the tree. A small moan escaped Remus’ lips, falling into Sirius’.
They never made it to dinner that night, and James knew better than to go looking for them.