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The faint sounds of metal and rubble squeaking and shifting could be heard from all around as you followed behind Eddie, Buck, and the three survivors your unit had come across during the sweep.
This was your third sweep through the unstable, collapsing building that was the Givana Hotel before it was hit by the 3.0 earthquake that rocked the city hours ago.
So far your unit had found ten people in total.
Now, of the current four people in your care, one of them was in critical condition; a teenage girl that had been crushed when a wall collapsed on top of her. She needed immediate attention, so you’d all made the decision to go ahead and escort her out of the building to EMTs outside.
Eddie and Buck were currently carrying her on the stretcher, leading the way whilst you kept an eye on the other three survivors: a terrified older mother and her adult daughter who clung to each other tightly, and lastly, a man who appeared to be in his mid twenties. All of their injuries were minor compared to the teenage girl, but still pressing.
You wanted nothing more than to see all of them exit the building safely and get the medical treatments they needed. It shouldn’t be too far off, as by your estimate the six of you should be at an exit in about fifteen minutes, if all went smoothly.
Navigating through the wreckage and ruins was hard enough as trained firefighters, but doing it with three injured was even trickier.
"Why are we moving so slowly?" The male survivor who had introduced himself as Jake, whined out suddenly, "Aren't we risking getting crushed?"
Neither Eddie nor Buck spared a glance back, as it was crucial they kept focused on carrying the stretcher and watching where they were going. But you noticed the slight flex of Buck's jaw and the way Eddie stiffened for a moment.
The two women also paused, looking behind him and anxiously and then at each other in worry. Knowing you needed to diffuse the situation, you quickly spoke up.
"Sir, this building is unstable. Debris and exposed electrical wiring are lying around everywhere. Going straight through could be dangerous. We are moving at the fastest but safest pace we can, considering those casualties in critical condition to transport."
You hoped that would be enough to make him understand, because this was the last thing any of you needed right now.
The man paused, turning around to face you with an ugly sneer on his face.
"Why should I have to leave the building slower because someone else got hurt? That's bullshit." Jake spewed.
Frustration flared through you at his selfish words.
This guy was a dick, and you only wished this was the first time you'd seen someone be this selfish on a call. After being a firefighter for a few years now, you'd learned that life threatening situations either bring out the humanity in others or highlight the lack thereof.
This guy was unfortunately the latter.
Before you could reply to his selfish tirade, a throbbing, vibrating sound filled the air, causing everyone to freeze.
“Please don’t tell me that’s an-” You didn’t dare finish your sentence, inhaling sharply as your eyes darted around frantically.
Unfortunately, that was the case — as a tremor raked through the air, which caused the floor to shake violently, all of the debris spread around you quivering along with the cracked walls.
Pure dread raced through you as you realized what was happening.
The command station had already warned all units that one more after shock could bring the whole place smashing down. After this sweep, they were considering calling more off as most of the guests and staff were accounted for and it was getting too dangerous to continue.
"Everyone stay calm! Stay together and move to the left side of the wall!" Buck shouted out as he and Eddie quickly moved as one with the stretcher.
The woman and her daughter hurriedly followed them without question, but Jake did not. He whirled around to run in the opposite direction instead of staying with the group, not listening to Buck's directions at all.
"Wait, don't go back!" You called, swiveling on your feet as you tried to stop him, but stumbling as the next aftershock hit full brunt, causing several large cracks to converge through the direction you had all just passed.
Horror and adrenaline flew through your veins as you saw Jake was heading straight through there, not even realizing through his fear-clouded mind.
You glanced behind you, making sure everyone else was safe before you took action.
Buck and Eddie both met your determined gaze, and Eddie seemed to realize what you were going to do before you even did whilst Buck looked between the two of you in confusion.
"Wait, ___! Don't!" He shouted, his hazel eyes going wide with fear.
His words fell on deaf ears, though, as your body was already moving on auto pilot.
You raced at your body's limit to Jake, grabbing him firmly by the shoulders and flinging him backwards with all your strength, safely away from the cracked floor. He landed far enough away with a thump and a groan, looking at you wide eyed and confused, but safe.
A momentary feeling of relief passed through you before, you realized the peril you were now in and could not escape from.
Frantically, you tried to scramble away in time, but it was far, far too late.
The rumbling increased and the floor fully opened up around you, and within a split second you were falling helplessly. Darkness and a sharp, piercing pain swiftly enveloped your senses and everything slowly faded away.
You’re not sure how many minutes passed before you came to, only being roused awake by the hum of static and frantic voices on your radio sounding off over and over.
What.. Where am I…?
You blinked incessantly as your vision blurred in and out.
Head throbbing like hell, you slowly looked around you, though it didn’t do you much good as there was only endless darkness as far as you could see. Flicks of light shone here and there, but not enough for you to discern your bearings properly.
Reaching your hand out to the side weakly, you frowned as your palm came into contact with cold cement and rough bits of rubble.
But why? Where are Buck, Eddie, and the rest?
Oh, fuck..
The memories of what happened slowly pieced together like a puzzle in your mind; the rush to save Jake, the ground collapsing, and the terrifying feeling of falling through the air. The pleading look on Eddie’s face as he told you to stop.
Dammit, what if they were in danger too? Had they gotten away from the unstable area safely? You had to get up, get out of this area and back to the others.
Yet, despite the urge to do it, you couldn’t find the strength to get up.
At that moment, your radio beeped again and Buck’s worried voice vibrated through, reminding you of the reason you’d come to in the first place.
“___! Come in! Repeat, please come in!”
You cursed, your senses were still so frazzled you hadn’t thought to report in yet. Reaching for the device, you quickly turned it on to speak, “... I.. I’m here.” you breathed out, the low, exhausted timbre of your own voice surprising you.
“Are you okay?” Eddie rushed out.
Through the radio, you could hear Buck next to him, saying, “Thank god she answered. How is she doing?”
“I’m trying to find out, Buck,” Eddie replied before he turned his attention back to you, “Christ, we wanted to go down and get you, but we couldn’t leave the other three. The moment we drop them outside; we’re going back in for you. Please know that.”
“We promise!” Buck assured vehemently.
“Eddie, Buck, calm down. Now that she’s responded, focus on getting out of the building safely and let me handle the situation,” came Bobby’s strict voice, stopping the conversation before anything more could be said.
“Copy…” both of them replied dejectedly.
You sighed, thankful that Bobby had intervened and let you know they were safe and sound.
“___, status update, please. Buck and Eddie reported you fell through the first floor, so you must be on the basement level. They couldn’t even attempt to get to you because of all the debris that fell on top of the collapsed floor.” Bobby continued.
“Yeah, that makes sense…” You muttered, brain still a bit foggy, “They have to get out the critical patient and the others, they’re the priority. They made the right call.”
“That’s true, but don’t think it wasn’t a hard one. We’re all worried about you and want to get you to safety. Now, are you injured?”
“Uh, hold up a moment,” you answered, mind blanking as you realized you weren’t sure yourself and clicked your radio off.
You couldn’t feel any pain… had you just been lucky? You tested out your joints, confirming you still had feelings in your legs and arms.
Seemed all good. Maybe you’d been lucky.
Reaching for your tactical vest again, you grabbed the small emergency flashlight attached to it, and turned it on for some light by which to do a physical check.
The second you flashed it across the expanse of your body and propped yourself up for a better view, your breath hitched in your throat at the troubling sight that awaited you. A silver metal pipe, about ten inches long, stood pierced straight through the left side of your abdomen. You hadn’t even realized through your shock and adrenaline, as the entire area had gone numb.
You could only stare in disbelief at the horrific wound. Despite having seen countless injuries on others, you’d never been in such a situation yourself. Every logical thought seemed to escape your mind as terror set in.
That was until Bobby’s voice sounded again.
“___, are you still with me? Are you injured? Chimney, Hen, and I are on the opposite side of the building assisting a casualty who’s pinned. The plan is for both units to come for you once they're done escorting, unless you're in need of urgent assistance, then we’ll figure something out.”
Fingers quivering, you turned off your flashlight, eyes squeezed shut as you thought about what to say. Both inside units were busy trying to save the lives you’d all come here to save, but you knew if you told them about your condition, not only would it take away from their focus, they’d try to figure out a plan to get to you immediately.
That couldn’t happen. You couldn’t be the reason that other lives were risked. Besides, you didn’t have to be a paramedic to know your condition was life-threatening.
The odds of them getting to you in time and safely getting you out of here, especially with the aftershocks…
How far would the whole team go to try to do it? You knew that they would do anything and everything.
You inhaled once, twice, forcing yourself to calm down as you prepared to lie to your captain - to your team that you loved more than anything.
“S..Sorry Bobby, I hear you... I’ll be able to wait for either team to assist. But I’m in a tricky position and can’t move, so they’ll have to come to me.” You tried your hardest to keep your voice level, despite the guilt of purposely misleading them.
“Are you positive?” Bobby questioned, slight doubt in his voice.
“Yes. Everyone please make sure to get the survivors out safely, I’ll be here waiting.”
You gulped as a beat of static silence filled the comms, fearing Bobby or the others had seen through you.
“Alright, it won’t be too long. Hang tight and update us if your status changes, got it?”
“Okay, cap.”
With that the line went quiet, and a sigh of relief filled you. There was no need for them to hurry and rescue you, not when the need was to get survivors out of the building. You could hold on just a little longer, right?
They would be here soon enough.
Sure, you were terrified and somewhere in the back of your brain, you realized how grave your situation was, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to face it. Besides, you were getting so tired too; more exhausted than you’ve ever felt in your life.
Maybe if you tried to rest for a second, just a second to calm down, then you could figure everything out.
Taking a deep breath, your eyes fluttered shut, and with that you were drifting off.
When you came back to consciousness, the world was in jagged bits and pieces as if you were floating above reality. Everything seemed to blur together and you couldn’t make sense of anything no matter how hard you tried. The only thing that seemed to pierce through the blur were the multiple urgent voices speaking all around.
You recognized a few of them… Buck, Eddie, and maybe Chimney?
They sounded so close, yet so far away. Somewhere in the midst of everything you heard Buck say, “Oh god, she’s bleeding so much. There’s so much blood, Eddie. ”
And then, Eddie’s voice quietly replied, “It’s going to be okay, we’re going to take care of her, right Chimney?”
“Of course.” Chimney answered, his usual upbeat voice low.
They were clearly trying to assure Buck, but even to your clouded ears didn’t sound too confident.
All the noise faded after that, unheard as you went in and out, though you were aware of multiple pairs of hands touching you and moving you. Cold and warm. They were easy to ignore for a while, but then a swift movement shook up your senses and sharp, excruciating pain flared through your whole being.
You screamed - loud - or at least you thought you did.
Nothing seemed real at that point. Maybe you had even dreamed that the others were here, maybe you were all alone, trapped and dying in the collapsed building. That seemed more likely.
There was nothing much coherent after that point, or at least that you remember as your body and mind physically shut down.
Except for one moment.
Buck had spoken to you, voice broken and beautiful as he pleaded, “Please don’t leave us, please.”
The final time you awakened was a lot less painful than the last. All your senses were dull and groggy, a feeling that you knew from experience only came from the aftermath of surgery.
It took you awhile to gather the energy to even open your eyes, sleep and exhaustion ebbed at every fiber of your being. So tempting to just drift back off and escape, but you forced yourself to awaken after a good ten minutes.
Eyes slowly fluttering open, you tiredly assessed the surroundings with a muted groan. You were surrounded by the all too familiar hospital bed, stark white walls, and the faint sounds of beeping coming from the monitor. Vibrant pink flowers in a transparent glass were placed on the nightstand, along with a ‘get well soon’ card.
One glance at the two navy chairs pushed to the right side of the wall let you know nobody was there at the moment, but someone clearly had been. Judging by the pale blue jacket thrown over the back of one of them. Buck’s.
Where is he? Where is everyone?
Your memory was hazy, but you remembered enough to know what had happened and why you must’ve ended up here. Honestly, you were shocked at the fact you had made it considering the state you were in...
That thought caused the disturbing image of your wounded state to cross your mind and you immediately flinched as if someone had thrown ice cold water all over you. Sitting up slightly, your hands flew up to your stomach despite how heavy they were.
Your heart raced a mile a minute as stabbing pain flared in your side due to the sensitivity and a distressed yelp left your mouth.
Still, you threw off the gray blanket that was wrapped around you and inspected yourself, relieved as you realized all was well.
As it was happening, you hadn’t even noticed Buck entering the room until he swore and hurriedly shouted, “Hey! ___, stop that--don’t move!”
“B-Buck,” you gasped out, head jerking up in surprise at the sight of the blue-eyed firefighter rushing over to your side.
He placed one hand on your shoulder and gently pushed you back down. Despite being panicked, you didn’t fight him, knowing he was only trying to help you.
Only once you were calm and settled comfortably did he pull his hand away, his eyes roving over your wounded area, “Christ, you could have ripped your stitches,” Buck muttered, worry clear in his tone.
“”M sorry, I.. I got startled, and I thought it was still...” you rasped out, mouth dry as you refused to meet his searching gaze.
His lips turned down at that, confusion radiating off him. “What are you talking about…?
The grimace that crossed your face must have explained enough, because Buck let out a deep sigh and moved to sit in one of the chairs next to the bed, scraping it closer to your side as he did.
There was a cup of water placed on the left night stand, he grabbed it and helped you drink it, your left hand feebly clutching it whilst he guided you.
The chilling water felt good down your dry throat and you nodded gratefully as he placed it back down.
Buck then reached forward and gently enveloped your trembling right hand with his, squeezing lightly. You focused on the warmth he emitted and the way his mere touch made you feel.
You waited until your breathing had fully calmed down before you spoke.
“Thank you for that, I don’t know what came over me, for a second I thought I was still injured,” you whispered, embarrassed at your actions and thankful it was him and not a nurse that had walked in.
“You’re okay. It’s a natural reaction,” He promised, reassurance coating his every word.
“I… I’m surprised I’m alive, Buck. You all got me out, thank you so much, and I have to thank everyone else,” you said, avoiding his eyes, and not even realizing you were on the edge of tears until that moment.
“Of course we did and you don’t have to thank us for that,” he murmured, voice low as he regarded you. “Tell me how you’re feeling? If you’re in any pain, I’ll go ahead and get the nurse.”
With a shrug you answered, “I’m in as much as could be expected, honestly. It’s tolerable enough.”
“I’m going to get the nurse,” Buck stated, shaking his head, clearly not happy with the answer.
“Wait,” you begged, eyes flickering to him, “W-Where are the others?”
“They weren’t sure how long it would take for the surgery, so everyone else went home for the night because they were exhausted. It’s nearly three in the morning… Eddie was here but he went to grab us both changes of clothes. He should be back soon.”
Overwhelming relief filled you. They were safe and sleeping soundly in their beds.
“And what about the people we rescued?” You hedged worriedly, “Were they all okay?”
Buck’s eyes narrowed. “You’re worried about everyone else right now?”
There was a certain frustration in his voice, one you didn’t recognize and that had you squirming a bit in confusion.
“Of course I am. I want everyone to be alright, that’s what matters most.”
“And what about you? You’re surprised you’re alive, so that means you have to realize you could have died?” Buck challenged, emotion rumbling in his tone as he pulled his hand away from yours as he spoke and leaned back in his chair.
Despite your exhaustion, stubbornness flared in you as you replied, “Yes, I realize and so what? I was doing my job as a first responder.”
"When you saved that ass, yes, but your job as first responder isn’t to lie to your team that you’re uninjured." He corrected quickly, cocking an eyebrow up.
Fuck.
Up until this moment you’d locked the knowledge of what you’d done away, and hadn’t expected Buck to bring it up.
You knew what you did was wrong, lying to everyone, but in that moment you’d felt it was your only option. Apologizing was the right thing to do, however Buck wasn’t finished.
“And do you know how worried I’ve been? How worried Eddie’s been? We weren’t sure if we’d have to tell Christopher that you weren’t coming home.”
You winced at that, remembering the heartbreak of having to explain to Christopher what had happened to Eddie on the night of the shooting.
Now because of you, Buck had gone through that twice and Eddie too. Neither of them deserved it.
“You said you were okay. Why? Why would you do that?”
The sheer disappointment and pain in his words let you know exactly how you’d made him - and everyone else feel. It hurt. Endlessly. White hot guilt bloomed inside your heart as tears fell freely from your eyes.
Turning away from Buck, you squeezed your eyes shut, and mumbled weakly, “I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I was just so scared.”
“Then why didn’t you ask for our help? You know we would have done anything to help you.”
“Exactly, and that wouldn’t have been fair to the people who were actually in danger.”
“You were in danger too.”
A beat of silence passed, neither of you speaking to the other. The tension in the air was palpable and if you weren’t physically incapable, you would have done anything to leave the room.
Anything to not have to face at this moment what you’d done. You were too weak still, too fragile and clearly Buck’s emotions were very raw.
Perhaps Buck felt the same way, because his chair shuffled back, and he stood up stiffly. You glanced over at him, noting how defeated he looked, his own eyes glassy and his mouth in a tight line.
“I’ve got to go let everyone know you’re awake. I’ll send in the nurses as well to check up on you.”
“Okay… thank you.”
You assumed he would leave after that, and he did walk over to the door, but before fully exiting, he paused and looked back over to you.
“I honestly thought you wouldn’t make it, ___. That we wouldn’t be able to save you.”
He sounded beaten and broken.
Your eyebrows knitted together, the vague memory of him pleading for you not to leave resurfacing at his words.
Oh, Buck.
Before you could say anything more, he was gone, leaving you alone with your thoughts and guilt.
The next hour and a half consisted of nurses fussing over you and your doctor speaking to you about your condition. You would be recovering in the hospital for the next week, and after that it would be a slow recovery.
Unsurprisingly enough, you would need constant care due to being bedridden, which immediately worried you, as you lived alone and weren’t close with your family.
However, as you spoke up to ask the doctor how expensive a full time nurse would be, he explained that someone had already volunteered to assist you. Evan Buckley and Eddie Diaz. If that was fine, you’d be going home with the two of them.
You were stunned. Surely they wouldn’t want that burden, they already both worked full time and had Christopher to think of first. You would only add so much more extra stress.
The doctor made it clear that it was your choice, but they’d both been vehement about helping you.
Once that was over and over, you were allowed to eat a bit, and were finally all alone again.
Subconsciously, your eyes kept looking towards the door instead of the TV the nurse had turned on. You wondered if Buck would come back or Eddie. Maybe both.
Surely Buck was done telling everyone you were fine, and he had said Eddie would be back soon. Maybe neither of them wanted to see you, that would be understandable. Buck had been so upset with you, and you couldn’t blame him.
Would he ever forgive you?
Knowing there was nothing you could do for now, you tried not to think of it, and how it stung knowing you’d upset someone you loved dearly so much.
You made it through half an episode of SVU, before there was a small knock at your closed door. You’d asked the nurse to close it for some privacy.
“Come in,” you called as loudly as you could, unable to sit up and see who was behind the small window slit.
It opened wide to reveal the bright, smiling face of Eddie. He looked tired as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him, wearing a simple white shirt and gray sweats along with a black duffle bag thrown over his shoulder.
“Eddie, you’re here,” you said softly, surprise in your voice as he walked over to your side.
“Yeah, sorry, I realized as I was coming back, that I should stop by your place and pick up a few things you might need,” he says cheerily, patting the bag he carried.
You blinked, having not even considered that yet. Eddie was always so thoughtful and considerate.
“Gosh, you didn’t have to do that, Ed’s. Thank you so much.”
“Don’t be silly, it was nothing you wouldn’t,” he shrugged as he placed the bag on the empty chair and sat in the free one.
“Wait,” you said curiously, “how did you get in my apartment without a key?”
“Buck remembered that you keep a spare under the flower pot by the door.”
“Ah, I forgot I mentioned that to him.”
You’d told him randomly once he came by your place after shift to watch a movie and you’d forgotten your purse at work.
Your face fell as you thought of him, eyes flickering towards the door as you wondered if he was still here or not.
“Is something wrong?” Eddie asked, noticing the crestfallen expression you wore.
“I was just wondering if Buck is still here or not, we kind of had words,” you admitted sullenly.
Eddie sighed, a knowing look in his gaze as he regarded you.
“That’s not surprising, he’s been really on edge through all this, and he was the first one to find you.”
“What?” You questioned, eyebrows knitting together.
“Yeah, he dropped down first after we made it through the debris, and found you…” Eddie paused, a grimace crossing his face. “He thought you were dead at first.”
“I’m so sorry, Eddie.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, ___. I won’t say I wasn’t upset that you didn’t tell us the truth, but I understand why you did it. You were thinking of the survivors, right?”
“Exactly, I didn’t them to be at more risk because I made a stupid mistake.”
“A stupid mistake? You saved that asshole’s life, and even if you hadn’t, we’re a team. We don’t give up no matter what, you should know that’s just how the 118 works.”
“I do. You guys are my family.”
“That we are,” Eddie agreed solemnly, “So, tell me how would you feel if any of us did that? I’ve seen you scold Buck more times than I can count for being reckless, but what you did today was more than that.”
He looked you straight in the eyes, his demeanor calm but firm as he expressed his feelings.
“We were able to save everyone we came across, and that mattered, but if we hadn’t been able to save you… Nobody would have ever forgiven themselves for that. Ever.”
You were shocked at his words, your first thought to disagree, but as you really thought it over, you knew he was right. There was no excuse and you had to own up to your actions.
Swallowing hard, you nodded, “you’re right, my behavior was inexcusable and I can only hope to make it up to everyone.”
Before anything more could be said by either of you, there was a quiet knock at the door. You knew it was Buck instantly, palms sweaty as he came in, looking between you and Eddie.
“Hey, am I interrupting?” He asked softly, his shoulders slumped.
“Buck, get in here.” Eddie said, rolling his hazel eyes and gesturing for Buck to come over as he moved the duffel bag to the floor.
The younger firefighter did so, his eyes downcast as he got himself seated, hands folded in his lap. He remained silent, but it was clear something was on his mind.
Eddie cocked an eyebrow as he observed his partner, “So got anything you want to say to ___?”
You squinted at that, the implication that Eddie knew there was clear.
Buck mumbled something incoherent under his breath before he sighed and finally met your eyes.
“I’m sorry for how I acted before. It wasn’t fair, you’d just woken up and I let my emotions get the best of me.”
You let out a shuddered breath at his apology, immediately shaking your head, “No, everything you said was true. I acted recklessly and it wasn’t fair. I’m the one whose sorry.”
“That’s true, but still I was too harsh on you.” Buck insisted, leaning forward.
“No, you had every right to be.”
“I didn’t.”
“You did and I’ll do better from now on.”
Buck opened his mouth to protest again, but Eddie beat him to it.
“Alright stop,” He sighed, placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder “I think you both get it, and you’re both sorry. That’s all that matters.”
You and Buck shared a long gaze, your mutual respect and love for the other clear as you both broke into smiles.
“Eddie’s right, I’m just so glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my best friend.”
“You won’t, I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”
Buck warmed at that. “Good, because we’ll never stop coming for you, we’re family.”
“Family,” you agreed happily, beaming at two of your closest friends.
Tomorrow you would have to give more apologies to the rest of the team, but for now you were just thankful as ever that you had the 118.