Chapter Text
Barriss did her best to stop her tears from falling on the screen as she typed out what she wanted to say.
Dear Ahsoka,
I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
She deleted it, leaving her with just the heading.
It’s not your fault, I promise. There was nothing you could have done.
No that wasn’t right either. She started over again.
I don’t know what I want to say. I kind of want to say I’m sorry, but I have no idea what I’m apologising for.
I should probably tell you why I did this. That’s what people usually put in suicide notes, right? I guess it all just got to be too much. I can’t handle it anymore. Everything was being piled on top of me and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it and meditation just made it worse. I wanted to tell you and I don’t know why I didn’t. You are my best friend, Ahsoka Tano. I love you. I know Jedi aren’t supposed to love, but I do. You’re basically my sister, except for the obvious. You’re always there for me and you’re such an incredible person.
She tried to scrub the tears away, both from the screen and her eyes, but they wouldn’t leave.
I hope you get to see the end of this. I don’t know what you’ll do, but I hope you’re happy. I hope you and Carter have a happy life together.
Tell Luminara it’s not her fault. She did her best and she was a genuinely good master. It’s not her fault her padawan was a failure.
Tell Anakin he was the best big brother any girl could have asked for. He was a bit annoying at times and we didn’t really get along at first, but he’s still an amazing weirdo and Padmé’s lucky to have him.
Barriss took a deep breath and picked up the datapad. The Temple was deserted at the moment. Most people were eating or asleep. She walked out of her quarters, acting for all the world like nothing was wrong. No one stopped her and no one noticed the bleak grey coiled inside her that was slowly turning black.
She knew Ahsoka’s desk inside and out the same way Ahsoka knew hers. She laid the datapad inside the top drawer on the left, where Ahsoka always looked first when she was trying to find something. Ahsoka was out at Dex’s with Anakin right now and probably wouldn’t be back until late. But she’d find it.
Barriss returned to her room the same way she’d left, emotions dull and dead.
Her knife collection had started as purely ornamental. She liked collecting small blades from different cultures, often with different smithing techniques or metals, sometimes no metal at all. Their current purpose was about to be permanently fulfilled.
She chose a short, pointed blade. It was wicked sharp, sharp enough to cut with barely any pressure. She stepped into her ‘fresher and closed the door behind her. She set the knife down and rolled up her sleeves, exposing her forearms. Then she picked up the knife and made to slash down. Slice her arm open and just get it over with.
The blade never made contact.
She tried again, and still not even the tiniest drop of blue blood.
Barriss choked on her sob as she fell to her knees, knife making a metallic sound when it landed on the tile. She couldn’t do it. As much as she was hurting, she just couldn’t do it.
In one universe, Barriss remembered to take the note out of Ahsoka’s desk before she saw it. So Ahsoka went blissfully unaware of her friend’s pain. She went on with her life. And Barriss stewed in her pain until she exploded, and many other people died, but not herself. And there wasn’t a second until the day she died that she didn’t hate herself for it.
In another universe, Barriss just put the knife away and cried herself to sleep. She forgot about the note. She forgot about Ahsoka. She forgot that the words she had written in unfathomable pain were still there waiting to be read.
She woke up to pounding on her door with Ahsoka in near-hysterics begging her to please open the door, please tell me you’re okay.
And she did. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, straightened her robes and answered the door.
Ahsoka threw herself against Barriss, datapad clutched in one hand. She was shaking with full-body sobs and Barriss just hugged her back.
“O-Oh thank God, you’re okay, I was so scared, I-I saw the note, i-in my desk and I thought…I-I thought you were dead! I thought I’d never see you again and I’d never get a chance to say goodbye.”
“I-It’s okay Ahsoka.” Barriss buried her face against the taller girl’s shoulder. “I’m right here.”
For a while, both of them held each other and cried, neither able to get anything out between the tears. Eventually, Barriss’s legs got tired and they slumped to the floor, curled up in a heap together. It took a very long time for either of them to recover enough to have the conversation that they clearly needed to have.
“Okay.” Ahsoka sniffled, rubbing her nose. “So you’ve obviously got some stuff you need to talk about.”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Well, I’m here. I’m right here, and I’m not leaving until you’re done, so you might as well start talking.”