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Carina was a flirt. Always had been - or well, not always, but ever since she started living alone with her father, she became one. Not just a flirt no, Carina loved human contact, she loved being wanted, loved being flesh to flesh with another person, Carina loved heavy breathing and uncontrollable moans and spasms, she loved sex. She did, and at some point she was shy about it, quiet, but after med school and residency in OBGYN, Carina would tell every soul she loved sex, because sex wasn't supposed to be a tabu, it wasn't supposed to be shameful, it was normal and yeah, some people could live their whole lives without it, but she didn't and that was natural.
She had never been fond of therapy while young, not because she didn't believe in it, she did, it just always brought back memories of her father screaming about how it was useless, and well, some scars just linger. So Carina found her therapy in human contact with strangers. Ever since she was seventeen. Young and already broken Carina would spend hours hearing her manic father scream out his lungs and then pass out for the rest of the day, she would try and calm him down and fail and try again. And then he would sleep and she would leave the house, craving for something other than the fear and exhaustion her house brought.
While her mother and younger brother were still in Italy, Carina found comfort inside her mother's arms or in the way Andrea would cling to her while they heard their parents scream at each other in the other room, but after they left she had no one else. She had to look for comfort outside of her house, and well, turns out a lot of people were happy to comfort her, but Carina had closed herself off to cuddles and sweet caressing, for her, sex was less intimate than laying down in a bed with someone and just… hug, talk. She preferred sex, it got the job done and she would leave before it got sentimental. She loved it.
While in med school, the need for comfort became even bigger, the physical exhaustion from school and the emotional one from having to deal with her father all on her own becoming too much. Carina would reserve her weekends only for herself, she would go to bars and she would find joy in people's looks at her - she knew she was attractive - and she would enjoy free drinks from men and women, she would appreciate hands in her tights and caressing on her arms. Eventually someone would ask her to leave with them and she would go, messy kisses and aggressive touches, Carina loved it, she felt free, completely unleashed from all of her responsibilities. It was her moment. And after it was over she left, back to her life, no strings attached.
And that's how she dealt with things, life went by and she kept doing it. Yeah there were a few people she had done it more than once, but it was never serious.
Gabriella was the first - and the only one that actually worked. They had an agreement and both of them knew each other's limits, they were friends before anything else. It worked for months, years. When things were too hard Carina would turn to the other Italian and Gabriella was so good at understanding what she needed, it was easy. But then Gabriella fell in love with a woman and they went back to just being friends.
Carina was twenty seven when she moved for the first time. Finally free from her father's breakdowns and from med school, the Italian found other ways to deal with her feelings, she started doing things for herself, therapy for starters but also, working with moms and doing research helped her just as much as having someone in bed with her, but still, she liked sex.
While working in a small hospital close to the coast, Carina met Lorenzo, a young nurse who accompanied her in most of her shifts. Lorenzo was good looking and he had all eyes for Carina, she liked that. Lorenzo was the second time the Italian woman decided having sex with the same person more than once wasn't that bad. It gave the other person time to find her weak spots and touch her in the right places, because they knew .
It lasted only months, because even though Carina had always been honest about what her limits were, Lorenzo fell in love, and she liked him, she really did. But she was never looking for a relationship, and she couldn't find it in herself to care about the man as much as he cared about her. Relationships were bad, they were traumatic and they brought too much baggage that Carina never wanted to deal with. It was too much.
When Carina went to the United States, the last thing on her mind was finding someone. In fact, she really just wanted to enjoy things with no strings attached. She had sex with Arizona on her living room floor and left before the sun was up. She flirted with Maggie and Amelia on the same day but nights later she went home with Arizona again.
And then it became a thing, she wasn't expecting, not at all, but Arizona was something else. She was sweet and she was easy - and too much at the same time. Carina liked her, she liked her in a way she never did before. It wasn't love no, or at least she didn't think it was, maybe it was, she hadn't known romantic love before, so she wasn't sure. But she cared so much. It was the first time the Italian felt her heart flutter, like actually flutter, not just from a climax, but just from kissing or seeing Arizona smile from across the room, her body craved the peds attending and her heart craved her too. It felt good in some way, and it was also scary.
The first time she decided to stay over after sex, it felt like she had reached a milestone she never wanted to reach, it was scary, but Arizona pulled her closer and started to go on and on about the most trivial things and Carina found herself relaxing to the point where sleep came and was welcomed, she felt good the next morning, tangled up in silky sheets and blonde hair tickling her face. Arizona was always so positive and sweet it made things easier. So easy it felt like flying with the clouds.
When Carina finally felt herself starting to actually enjoy things with the older woman with no regards involved, it was over. And it hurt, of course it did, it was the first time it actually hurt. She went home and she let her frustration out, she cried and it felt relieving to put it out. After a week of feeling sorry for herself, she went on with her life. She missed the blonde woman of course, but she wasn't as sad as she thought she would be, she couldn't let herself be. A few weeks after and she was back at laughing at people's poor attempt to flirt with her at Joe's. It took some time, but she came back to feeling good with just pleasure with strangers.
And then she came.
Maya Bishop.
With Maya things were different from the start, no one had ever said no to Carina before and it's not that she couldn't handle the fact that Maya did so but there was something, Carina didn't quite know what it was, a pull maybe, or curiosity, it made her ask again and the way Maya smiled almost hungrily at her, it made her glad she did. The blonde talked about how she ended her day running inside a hospital with a nose on her hands and Carina didn't know if she should laugh or be worried the other woman could've been eaten by a bear hours earlier. Maya's smile was beautiful and her eyes were so blue Carina felt like drowning, and they were also mysterious, they seemed to have much to tell. Much more than a camping experience gone wrong.
They drank a few more glasses and the conversation flew so effortlessly both of them lost track of time. They knew how the night would end but it was surprising to Carina how she and Maya actually got along, there wasn't much flirting during their talk, Maya was just sharing stories and so was Carina. It felt simple, it felt right, comfortable.
When Carina excused herself to use the bathroom, Maya followed right after, pulling the doctor to a place she was sure they weren't supposed to be at. The blonde's eyes seemed darker and Carina couldn't help but smirk when the firefighter pushed her so her back was resting on the wall.
Maya starts by kissing the Italian's neck and Carina can't help but close her eyes and let the firefighter do whatever she wants, Maya seems like she needs the control and the doctor is happy to let herself be controlled. When their lips touch there aren't any fireworks or butterflies, there's only lust and hunger, there's desperation and the need to be close. Maya pulls her closer by the waist so there's no distance between their bodies and Carina's hands tangle into blonde strands.
They kiss for God knows how long and Carina is intoxicated by alcohol from Maya's mouth and the natural fragrance exuding from her. The italian is content to let Maya move them at her own pace and after taking her sweet time getting to know Carina's entire mouth, the blonde steps back, looking at her with lusty eyes.
"Can I keep going?" Her hands are attached to the brunette's belt in her jeans and her voice is raspy.
"Yeah." Carina answers, playing with blonde curls.
Maya doesn't have to be told twice, their lips are glued back together and it's only half an hour later that they leave, going back to the bar with hands loosely attached, Carina's lipstick ruined and half of it found in Maya's lips. Maya pays them a last drink before they go their separate ways. Before they leave though, Carina gives the firefighter her number, which she doesn't often do, but she felt like they weren't done yet.
It wasn't love at first sight with them, no. But there was definitely interest, Carina wanted more, which already made Maya different from most.
The first time Carina falls asleep in Maya's bed is actually after they decide to hang out after a hard shift for both. They've been meeting each other only for a few weeks now but the Italian already knows her way around the blonde's house and the building doorman already greets her by name. They heavily make out in Maya's bed but the blonde seems too tired for more, falling asleep while kissing Carina's neck, face nuzzled into brunette hair, one of her hands loosely wrapped around her shoulder. And the Italian is left to wonder, or in reality, she is left to almost lose her mind as she questions if she should leave or not. Part of her brain begs her to just move the firefighter and flee, and the other feels too good to move, too comfortable. Maya's constant and peaceful breathing soothes her worries, and the soft snuffle coming from the blonde is almost like a lullaby, luring her into unconsciousness. Carina doesn't remember ever feeling so relaxed in a bed that wasn't her own. She doesn't think the soft mattress is the main reason.
When she wakes up, hours later, blue eyes are staring at her with an unreadable expression and she can't help but wonder if she should've left.
"I'm sorry I fell asleep on you." Maya says, one of her hands caressing Carina's arm. "I thought you'd leave."
"Should I have?"
Maya smirks.
"No."
The blonde meets her lips and it's only hours later that the doctor actually leaves, a warm feeling on her chest.
Carina knows she is in too deep when she finds herself making Maya lunch almost a month into their thing. She doesn't remember when it happened really, she only knows she has never felt like this before. This level of excitement over seeing someone, a part of her brain always thinking about blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes, always looking forward to seeing her, feeling her, touching her. That tied up with a never ending worry about the other woman's line of work did it for Carina. She knew she was falling, fast and oh so hard. And she was scared, yes, but also thrilled. This new sentiment, it felt like an out of this world thing, it was warm and fresh at the same time, it felt like an adventure Carina was so ready to join.
Falling for Maya was, as the english idiom would say, as easy as pie. Carina couldn't help it. Maya was like a snowstorm in the middle of Brazilian summer, unexpected and somehow scary, she was fresh air where there shouldn't be any, she was beautiful and unknown territory, she was thrilling and intriguing. Maya was hypnotizing, mesmerizing and Carina was in love before she even noticed. And yeah, dealing with the blonde was not a walk in the park, it was challenging, she had scars, so many of them and Carina didn't make it a habit of her to fix broken people because she couldn't even fix herself, but that was the thing with Maya, she didn't need fixing, she needed understanding and support, she needed comfort and soft love she never felt before. And Carina was willing to put in the effort, for Maya, and only Maya. Because Maya was worth it. Because Maya was special.
But apparently Carina wasn't, and because she thought she was, it hurt even more when Maya told her she slept with Jack. It felt like all her effort wasn't seen, wasn't worth it, wasn't reciprocated.
And Carina had been through a lot, she's had a hard childhood and she had to grow up way too fast, she had cried on her bathroom floor way too many times, tired of carrying a weight that no teenager should have to carry. She had felt emotional pain from people she loved - and still does - and she dealt with it, she found ways to manage. That wasn't her fault. Nothing of it. But this? The feeling of euphoria shattering out of nowhere, in an instant, the bliss she was feeling being ripped away, with no warning, so cruelly. This need of crying and screaming and being comforted by the person who just broke her because that was her person.
Or so she thought.
Carina had never felt that, because she had never allowed herself to fall so hard and so fast for anyone else. And well, look at what happens the one time she does. It hurts and it's almost physical, her hands shake and she wants to sob but she can't, she won't, not there.
Instead she gets up and a part of her begs for her to just open the door to Maya's room and scream at her, ask her why, but she ignores it. She grabs her things and she knows her charger and coat are inside the closed room, but she'll live without them.
It hurts when she closes the apartment door behind her and every step she takes further from there hurts even more. She's hurting and she's so angry because what did she do wrong? She loved Maya with everything she had and she just wanted to be there for the blonde. She's angry because why did she open up? She knew love caused heartbreak and she went for it anyway, and now she pays. That was her own fault and she doesn't know how to deal with that. She could've avoided it.
She wants to go to a bar and drink until she forgets and she wants to kiss someone else and get back to her usual self but she can't because her mind is full of blonde strands and ocean blue eyes. She can't drink and kiss someone else because in the morning all she'll think about is Maya and it won't fix this, it may hurt even more. So Carina walks and walks and she doesn't want to go home because... She doesn't have that anymore; it had just gotten destroyed. She ends up in the hospital and she thinks that's the best place she'll find, at least for tonight.
She finds an empty on-call room and as soon as the door closes she allows herself to break down. She feels like there's no air and her throat hurts and there's whimpers and God why did she have to fall in love?
It's only an hour or so later that someone opens the door. Carina still has tears streaming down her cheeks but she's not sobbing anymore, she has no more strength to do so, she's just laying in the hospital uncomfortable bed, reliving the scene that happened hours ago again and again.
"I didn't know you were on call today." A clearly tired Teddy Altman says.
"I'm not." She answers simply, not even looking at the other woman.
"Oh… Are you okay?"
Teddy sits at the end of the bed Carina is laying at. Doctor Altman is a friend, the Italian would say, she had always been sweet to Carina and they've been getting along the last few weeks, alongside with Bailey and Amelia, Teddy is someone she knows she can trust. Turns out sleeping with her now fiancé and then delivering her baby made sure to bring them close.
"Hm… Maya cheated on me." Carina says, her voice small, her throat closing again.
"I'm sorry Carina."
"I don't understand what I did wrong, you know? All I did was try to be a safe space for her to open up, why did she do it? I really thought she liked me."
And just like that Carina is crying again.
"You did nothing wrong. This isn't about the way you treat her." Taddy sighs and Carina waits for her to continue, even though she doesn't think the other doctor can take the guilt Carina is feeling. "Look I don't know Maya, I only saw her once, but from what you said and from the one time I saw her, she does like you back Carina." The italian snorts in sarcasm. Teddy gets more comfortable on the bed, pushing Carina's legs out of the way so she can sit cross legged and look the Italian in the eyes. "Sometimes people's traumas make them so wary of everything they don't know how to deal with peace. The safe feels unsafe and we don't know how to deal with that, we're not used to it, we're used to broken, so we break it before it breaks itself. I'm not defending her okay? All I'm saying it's that her not liking you or you making mistakes is not the reason she did it."
"Well my family was broken too but I would not do that to her."
"People deal with trauma differently, Carina, but look, it's not your fault, stop blaming yourself thinking you did something. You opened up, that's great, don't close yourself again yeah?"
"Hm. I don't know about that one, maybe I'm better off just kissing strangers."
Teddy is about to answer when her page goes off and she sighs before getting up.
"Try and get some sleep, we'll go for breakfast once my shift is over."
Carina doesn't get much sleep that night, or the night after, she's gotten so used to sleeping in Maya's bed or Maya sleeping with her in her own bed it feels so cold not to have the blonde by her side. Sometimes she automatically reaches for her phone in hope to see a text from the firefighter even though she knows there won't be any. She wishes she could jump right back to her normal life like she did in her past relationship but she can't, Maya is stuck in her head all the time and it hurts so badly. She spends all her free time thinking about the blonde or occupying herself so much she has no time to think at all.
When Maya shows up at the hospital Carina feels her heart stop beating for a moment, she wants to yell at her and pull her close at the same time, wants to never see her again and also never let Maya out of her sight.
A part of her wishes she had been tougher in that moment, wishes she had given Maya a harder time, but she can't, she loves that firefighter so damn much and she knows it might not be easy to get back to where they were before but not getting back with her feels stupid, she'll only hurt them both, and she doesn't want to hurt Maya, and she is done hurting herself.
So yeah she kisses Maya in front of the hospital and she can feel her whole body relax as the blonde hugs her. She's back where she belongs.
"Do you want to come over? After your shift is done? We can talk, I miss you." Maya asks and she sounds so unsure.
"Yes." Carina answers simply, hands playing with the blonde's- now short - hair.
Later at night when she shows up at Maya's door, the blonde seems small, regret is written all over her face and all she wants is to make sure Carina knows that. Maya gets them food from Carina's favorite place and they eat in silence. It's not exactly awkward but it is unwelcomed, it's strange because they always have things to talk about, stories to share. Carina doesn't like the silence.
"What happened to your hair?" She asks once they are both finished.
"I uh-" Maya smiles sadly at her. "My father came to my scene today." Carina furrows her eyebrows and waits for the blonde to continue. "He was mad, said I was playing captain while my family fell apart… When I said I couldn't talk he pulled my hair by the ponytail, in front of everyone."
"Maya…" Carina can't help it when she lets her hand travel to the firefighter's arm, trying to give her some comfort.
"It's okay. It made me realize things that were already right in front of me… And Carina I- I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I'm just so broken and you're so- You're perfect, and I honestly don't know how I got you to look at me and I've never had someone look at me like this and it's amazing but it's also overwhelming. And I know it's not an excuse, I'm not trying to excuse what I did I just- I'm sorry. I really am."
"I know bambina. Just- next time please just go for a run." Maya laughs amongst her tears and nods. "I'm not perfect either, you know. We just have to find a balance, yeah? Tell me when you feel like it's too much Maya, I don't want to be too much in your life, I wanna be just enough."
"You are." Maya says, eyes fixated on Carina's. "And I love you."
The Italian smiles, her whole heart melting with the words.
"I love you too bambina."
Their kiss is soft, and it's not supposed to turn into anything else. It's delicate and it's full of apologies and unmade promises. They fall asleep on the couch that night and it's the best sleep they've had since the break up, because they are together, back where they belonged.
The pandemic breaks not even a month later and when Carina has to go back to her apartment it feels like the universe is testing her. Her and Maya had just gotten to an actual good place in their relationship and now the only way they can see each other is through a phone screen. And yes it's better this time because at least they are together but still, she misses Maya like crazy and all she wants is the comfort of her arms after losing the first mom in her whole career, followed by a second one, and a third.
It takes a toll on Carina, seeing the whole world turn into a gigantic fire emergency, and there's so little she can do about it. It's mentally exhausting and she wishes she had Maya to deal with this with her, but she doesn't. So she waits patiently for Stanton's 19 clap out in front of Grey Sloan every day just so she can get a glimpse of Maya's beautiful and calming face. It made her heart take a leap every single morning.
Carina's heart wouldn't exactly flutter inside her chest when she saw Maya across the room like it did when she was with Arizona, no. In fact it was the opposite, Carina felt her heart would calm down when she looked at the firefighter. Maya was her safe place and everything in her quieted down by just locking eyes with the blonde. Seeing her, even from afar like this, Carina knew that woman was her home, her small piece of heaven even during literal hell. And she missed Maya so much, she needed her close, craved her.
And you know Carina had always loved human contact, but now it wasn't about that anymore, it wasn't about sex or any human's company.
It was about Maya. She wanted Maya's company, Maya's comfort. She craved Maya and only her. She doesn't think any other human in the world could ever compare to the comfort that one Seattle firefighter brought her.
And when she and Maya finally moved in together, Carina knew that was her place. She knew that was the end of her road to find comfort in other people's beds. She had found her place, her bed, right by Maya's side and she knew she would never find anything more satisfying than that, snuggled up to the blonde's body, no sex necessary, just Maya.