Chapter Text
“Astha! Meri shirt la na!”
Nothing had changed. Not the house. Not the chores. Not the people. Nothing had changed. Hemant had quickly slipped back into their usual routine. Expecting Astha to be at his beck and call at all times, treating her as the subservient wife she was trained to be all her life, demanding his second Saturday fucks as though nothing had happened. Her in-laws were relentless in chiding her for not doing everything to their standard. Even her job at the college continued in its mundane cycle of teaching, examining, grading; wash-rinse-repeat. The only consolation she had was her children, but even they too, not knowing the storms that raged in their mother’s bosom, continued on with the life they had always known.
Nothing had changed. Except for Astha.
Her thoughts drifted to the one person that made her completely happy. The woman who had opened Astha up to her own capacity to love and think and explore the unknown without a shred of fear. Who loved her completely, without question. The woman her heart ached for, whose heart she herself had broken when she chose to return to her old life. Peeplika.
“What Peepli did was wrong. But I wasn’t fair to her either. I wanted her to be there for me whenever I needed her or wanted to spend time with her. Lekin I disappointed her so many times. And yet still she hardly ever complained. I wish she didn’t have to leave so abruptly. Agar hamare paas aur time the, then I’m sure we could have worked things out. Woh sahi thi, I was taking too long to make a decision.”
Astha adjusted Hemant’s shirt and began ironing the collar.
“Asthaaaa! Main late hoon. Shirt la na!” Hemant yelled from downstairs.
She hurriedly finished pressing the shirt and rushed down the stairs to him. He was on the phone with someone. Her attention was drawn to him telling the person that he would ask her about it. Whatever was “it”, she had no idea.
“Astha, Timsi ka phone tha. Mudassar wants to know if you still have the keys to that woman’s flat.”
Five months. It had been 5 months since Peeplika had left for Paris and Hemant still refused to say her name. Refused to acknowledge her existence. A few months ago when Timsi had mentioned in conversation that Peepli had decided to stay on in France and take up work there, Hemant’s response was nothing short of “good riddance”. She was never mentioned again after that. Until now.
“Haan, mere paas hai,” she replied meekly, her mind whirring with thoughts as to why Mudassar was asking about it.
“Give Timsi a call, she might want to swing by this evening, chaabi lene ke liye.”
“Ok,” was all she could get out as he tucked his shirt in and hurried out the door.
Astha picked up the receiver and dialled Timsi’s number, her hands trembling with each digit punched in.
“Hi, Timsi?”
“Astha Maami! I was just on the phone with Hemu Uncle. Did he ask you about the keys?”
“Haan mere paas chaabi hain.” She hesitated for a moment, “Mudassar kyun chahiye?”
“Peepli didi is coming home for a bit. She has some work to do here so Mudassar and I wanted to prepare her place before she gets back.”
“Peeplika is coming back?” She asked, a tremble in her voice now.
“Ya, just for a couple of weeks I think. Is it ok if I collect the keys from you today?”
Her mind was reeling.
“Astha maami? Are you there?”
“H-h-haan haan, yes, you can come for the keys. Ok bye.”
She dropped the receiver and sank down to the floor.
“Peeplika is coming home. I don’t know if she would want to see me after the way we left things. But I have to try. I have to meet her. I can’t bear to continue on like this after the way things ended between us.”
She got up and went to the kitchen to clear away the breakfast dishes.
——-
Over a week had passed before she heard about Peeplika again. Her in-laws were on speaker phone with Babbo and Astha’s ears perked up when Babbo grumbled about Mudassar going to the airport in the middle of the night a few days back to collect that ‘chudail’ from the airport. Astha didn’t need to ask which ‘chudail’ she was referring to, she knew exactly how Babbo felt about Peeplika.
“Peepli is back.” She whispered, looking to the heavens before closing her eyes and resting her hand on the wall for support. She took a deep breath and glanced at the time on the clock. It was Friday, her children would be home from school soon.
——-
That weekend Astha was restless. Barely able to eat, sleep or do anything much without her mind running back to Peeplika. She would have to wait till Hemant was at work and her kids at school to sneak out for a bit. It was driving her crazy.
“What would I say to her? I was so harsh to her the last time we saw each other. I know what she wanted back then, but would she still want me now? After everything? I just want to see her, hear her voice, feel her arms around me again.”
Hemant’s body tensed and shuddered violently on top of her as he came. He rolled over onto his side of the bed and quickly fell asleep. It was second Saturday after all.
———-
Astha shoved a few notes into the auto driver’s hand, way more than the actual fare, but she didn’t care to wait for change. She ran her palms over her hair to neaten it up a bit, took a deep breath and stepped over that threshold she hadn’t crossed in over 5 months. The men in the courtyard paid little heed to her as she crossed its length and made her way to Peepli’s door. She fidgeted a bit more with her sari and her hair before knocking. There was no answer or movement from inside so she knocked again, a little bit harder this time.
“Baaji, she’s not at home, kahi baahar gaii!” One of the men shouted at her from the courtyard.
She rested her forehead against the door, a single tear running down her cheek. She would try again tomorrow.
—— —
The next day she was at Peeplika’s door again. She knocked and waited. No response. She thought of leaving a note this time but decided against it. She didn’t want their first interaction in months to be a cold piece of paper with a few scribbles in it. But to be honest, she really didn’t know what she would write in said note. She adjusted her purse on her shoulder and turned to cross the courtyard once more.
— — —
Like this it went on for a few days. Astha rushing through her morning chores, ensuring everyone was fed and packed up for their day. Sending Hemant off to work and the kids off to school before grabbing her bag and running out the door. All her classes this semester were in the afternoon so the window of time before leaving home and getting to college was all she had to try and catch up with Peepli. Today though she had left work for her students to do during class. She was determined to wait until Peepli got back from wherever it is she went everyday.
Once again, she crossed the threshold, walked up to the door and raised her hand to knock. The door opened suddenly and her breath caught in her throat.
“I was expecting you. The men said you’d been coming around everyday.”
She just stared. Feelings rushing back to her; the yearning, the aching, the love.
“Are you just gonna stand there with your mouth open?”
Astha reflexively closed her mouth but continued to stare.
“Astha? Astha!” Peeplika jolted her back to life.
“Peepli…”
Peeplika rolled her eyes and ushered Astha inside.
“What are you doing here?” Peeplika inquired.
“I wanted to see you.” Astha, finally finding her voice, replied.
“Kyun mujhe milna chahiye?”
“Peepli…I…I needed to see you.”
“But why?” Peeplika pressed.
“How is Paris? Are you really going back?” Astha’s fingers danced lightly on a box labeled ‘Aijaz’.
“Astha…” Peeplika moved towards her.
“Tell me about your exhibition. What are you working on now?” Astha walked to the kitchen and trailed her fingers along to countertop.
“Astha why are you here?” Peeplika tried to catch her attention again.
“Did you visit the Louvre? The Eiffel Tower? Is it really as beautiful as it looks in photos?”
“Astha, bas!” Peeplika stopped her, turning Astha to face her directly.
“Why. Are. You. Here?”
“ I…..I miss you…and…. I don’t like the way we left things.” Astha whispered.
Peeplika sighed, “Well you made it very clear that you didn’t want me anymore.”
“Peepli, no, I just…. I didn’t have time to process everything in that moment….and then… you just left.”
“No Astha, you chose to let me go…. You chose to end this. Not me.”
“You left me no choice Peepli,” Astha retorted.
“Again with this? You always had a choice Astha. But you chose to not forgive me for the one mistake I made. That was all on you babe.”
“I didn’t come here to fight with you.”
“Then why did you come, Astha?”
“I don’t know…I just had to see you. Needed to. Nothing feels right without you.”
“Astha I can’t do this again.” Peeplika turned away and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. “I can’t have you coming into my life when it suits you and abandoning me over and over again when it’s not convenient. I can’t Astha, I just can’t.”
Astha reached out to touch her arm, but Peeplika pulled away.
“Peepli please…” Astha begged, reaching out again. Peeplika turned to face her, pain and hurt welling up in her eyes.
Astha cupped her cheek and they both basked in that moment of contact.
“I know, Peepli. I know. I was never fair to you…. Not in our relationship, not in my choices, not in the way things ended between us.”
Peeplika sniffled.
“I never wanted to lose you… I feel….empty…..lost….. without you.” She rested her forehead against Peeplika’s. “I wish things could be different,” she whispered.
Peeplika’s arms were around her and Astha sank into the warm embrace, gripping at Peepli’s shirt for dear life as five months of pain and longing, guilt and turmoil broke loose and wracked through her body. Peeplika held her, supported her, comforted her… and Astha cried and cried and cried. Cried for her hopeless situation, cried for the love she had to give up, cried for this very woman she had hurt. She cried until her tears ran dry. And then she sank to the floor. Peeplika sat down and wrapped her arms around her.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Peepli.”
“I know, jaan, I know.”