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The air was sharp and cold, cutting into their tent even without the frequent gusts of wind that shook their camp, and Zura shivered, curling up tighter on his sleeping mat. The whole camp was quiet, as though the chill of the night had taken away everyone’s voices, and even the people who were still gathered outside around dying fires weren’t talking. It was unusual, especially in a camp with Tatsuma in it.
Tatsuma entered, completely silent for once, and drew his jacket tighter around himself before sitting on his mat in the corner. For a minute there was nothing but the sound of the wind, and then he started laughing almost hysterically.
Scratch that.
It was definitely hysterical.
“It’s cold tonight, isn’t it?” he said.
“Yeah,” Gintoki said from the other corner. “My nipples could cut through glass.”
“No one asked about your nipples,” Takasugi said. “No one cares.”
“I care!” Tatsuma said. “I think your nipples are amazing, Kintoki!”
“That is hands down the weirdest thing you’ve said to me in a while,” Gintoki said.
“I wonder which one of us has the biggest ni-”
“Stop talking about nipples,” Gintoki said as he dug in his nose. “You’re the only person who thinks you’re funny.”
“Hmm,” Tatsuma said. “Usually Zura is the one who yells at me… What’s wrong, Zura? Don’t you hear me talking about nipples? Doesn’t that make you uncomfortable? Isn’t it an inappropriate topic for honorable samurai to discuss?”
Zura didn’t answer, only pulling his blanket closer.
“Zura?”
He still didn’t answer.
“Well,” Tatsuma said, “better start talking about something else.”
“Like what?” Takasugi said.
“My dangerously huge di-”
Zura covered his ears.
“Dinner!” Tatsuma said as he got out a single frozen waffle. “It’s chocolate chip.”
“You call that huge?” Gintoki said. “That’s a small snack. There’s no way that’s enough for all of us.”
“It can be if you share nicely,” Tatsuma said. “I also have a huge co-”
“SAKAMOTO!” Zura said.
“Cooler full of drinks,” Tatsuma said as he got out a beaten-up cardboard box with a single juice box inside. “Good for sharing because sharing is caring.”
“How are we supposed to share that?” Takasugi said.
“Give it to me.” Zura sat up. “I’m the youngest. You should focus on preserving my life because I’m the future.”
“Kill the child.” Gintoki reached for the waffle and the juice. “I’m the second oldest. All food should go to me.”
Takasugi beat him to the snacks, snatching them out of Tatsuma’s hands. “I'm the third oldest. Donate to the Takasugi Fund.”
“The Takasugi Fund is a horrible charity,” Gintoki said, reaching for the snacks again. “Donate to the Strawberry Milk Fund.”
Takasugi swatted his hand away. “No.”
“You’re too short to have those unhealthy snacks,” Gintoki said. “They’ll stunt your growth even more.”
“Then give them to that idiot.” Takasugi pointed at Tatsuma. “Bring him down to my level.”
“I’d need a lot more than that,” Tatsuma said.
“I’m not that short,” Takasugi said with a scowl.
“You are,” Tatsuma said. “I could squish you like an ant.”
“No. I’m average.”
“Maybe at life,” Gintoki said, “but not in terms of height. Zura’s three and he’s taller than you.”
“Thirteen,” Zura corrected.
“Whatever.” Gintoki threw a pillow at him. “You’re still a fetus. Go home. War is for men, not boys.”
“I am a-” Zura’s voice cracked horribly. “-mAN, GINTOKI.”
“Oh no,” Takasugi said. “We have a pubescent teenager among us. Throw him outside.”
What?!
“You’re two years older than me!” Zura said. “This was you not too long ago, tAKASUGI.”
Could the voice cracks stop? Why were they happening? He didn’t like this and he sounded like a chicken that smoked six packs a day.
His brothers didn’t like it either. Takasugi tried to grab him, but Zura scrambled away and hid behind Tatsuma.
“Protect me,” Zura said.
“Tatsuma,” Gintoki said, “I’ll give you the waffle if you surrender him to us.”
“You don’t have the waffle,” Takasugi said. “Don’t bargain with it.”
“I’ll do what I must to rid us of this parasite,” Gintoki said.
“Everyone needs to calm down,” Tatsuma said. “I don’t think Zura wants to play this game.”
He most certainly didn’t! Being thrown out in the cold on a night like this? He would freeze to death.
“I don’t care,” Gintoki said. “Give us the child.”
“No,” Tatsuma said.
“Very well,” Gintoki said. “Takasugi, you go around that side. I’ll take the other side. On three. One, two…”
“Three,” Takasugi said, diving at Tatsuma.
“I didn’t say three!” Gintoki said.
“I did.”
“That wasn’t the plan!”
Tatsuma wrestled with Takasugi, leaving Zura with no shield whatsoever and at the mercy of Gintoki. And Gintoki knew no mercy.
Zura bolted, but Gintoki managed to grab his ankle, and he fell flat on his face. Gintoki sat on his back and called to Takasugi.
“That was easy enough,” he said. “Let’s throw him out.”
“Do it yourself,” Takasugi said as he tried to pin down Tatsuma.
“I can’t be his only target,” Gintoki said. “You have to help me so that when he gets bigger and chases us, I can throw you to him and run away. And live.”
“You don’t deserve to live,” Takasugi said.
He wheezed violently when Tatsuma flattened him, and Tatsuma said, “We all deserve to live. Stop this.”
Takasugi tried to get out from under him. “Gintoki and Zura need to go.”
“Don’t lump me in with him!” Gintoki said. “He’s the enemy.”
Zura wriggled free and pounced on him, pinning him to the floor. “Damn right!”
“Takasugi!” Gintoki said as he struggled against Zura’s grip. “Help!”
“No,” Takasugi said. “Zura, beat him up.”
“Don’t do that,” Tatsuma said. “Peace. We need peace.”
“There can be no peace here,” Zura said. “Only war.”
“Don’t go to their side!” Tatsuma said.
Takasugi threw him off, launching him through the side of the tent and tearing the fabric, and when Tatsuma came back in, the fabric tore more. Cold air howled into the tent, freezing them all even further.
“Now look what you’ve done!” Tatsuma said.
“That was you,” Takasugi said.
“You’re the one who threw me!” Tatsuma said. “I thought you wanted to throw Zura.”
“Haha!” Zura cackled. “How the turns have tABLED, Sakamoto!”
“What are you talking about?!” Tatsuma said.
“Don’t worry, Tatsuma,” Gintoki said. “I’ll avenge you.”
Before Takasugi could do anything, Gintoki dived at him and chucked him through the other side of the tent. The fabric tore again, and cold air rushed in faster.
“Now you’re even,” Gintoki said.
“Now the tent is even more ruined!” Tatsuma said.
“Then fix it.”
“How am I supposed to fix it?”
“Use your hair as thread and sew it back together,” Gintoki said.
“I’ll use your hair,” Tatsuma said. “Get over here, you naturally wavy-haired nerd.”
“Tatsuma!” Gintoki scrambled away when he approached with fire in his eyes. “Wait! Look at Zura’s hair! It’s really long!”
“You know what else is really long?” Takasugi said as he came back in.
“Shut up!” Zura said. “We’re done being inappropriate.”
“I was going to say the line at the Yakult store.”
“There isn’t a Yakult store!” Zura said. “And you’re the only person who would shop there anyway.”
“Shut up about Yakult,” Gintoki said. “Tatsuma, look how long Zura’s hair is. Wouldn’t that work better as thread than mine?”
“Hmm…” Tatsuma seized a lock of Zura’s hair. “It would work nicely.”
“Let go,” Zura said.
“One second.” Tatsuma got out scissors. “We need some of your hair.”
“Absolutely not!” Zura tried to get away, but Tatsuma held fast. “Cut my hair and I’ll cut your balls!”
“Fool,” Tatsuma said. “My balls are invincible.”
“Don’t talk about balls!”
“You brought it up first.”
“Put the scissors down!”
“I can do no such thing,” Tatsuma said. “Just hold still.”
“No!”
“I thought you said you were a man,” Tatsuma said. “A man would donate his hair to our noble cause.”
“You’re just fixing a tent!”
“Give,” Tatsuma said.
“No!”
“Yes.”
Zura kept struggling. “Let go!”
“I can’t.” Tatsuma brought the scissors closer. “We need your hair.”
Zura held up the waffle threateningly. “Let go of me or I’ll shove this waffle so far up your ass you’ll cry chocolate chips.”
“Who let him have the waffle?” Takasugi snatched it out of his grasp. “Waffles are for men.”
“I told you,” Zura said in the deepest damn voice he’d ever had, “I’m a man.”
Takasugi and Gintoki shrieked and leaped away, and the waffle went flying. Zura caught it.
“Run!” Takasugi said. “Otherwise you’ll catch puberty!”
Catch puberty? They were all practically adults! Except for Tatsuma, who actually was one.
“Tatsuma, don’t touch him!” Gintoki said. “He’s toxic!”
They all ran away, sprinting in panicked circles around the tent, and Zura ran after them with the waffle.
“Stop running and screaming,” he said. “You’re going to wake everyone up.”
“We don’t want to catch puberty!” Tatsuma said.
“You’ve already caught it,” Zura said.
Tatsuma gasped in horror. “When?!”
“Years ago,” Zura said. “It’s too late.”
“No,” Tatsuma said. “It can’t be! I don’t want ass hair!”
“You already have it,” Gintoki said.
“How would you know?” Tatsuma said. “Have you been looking? That’s kind of weird.”
Gintoki grimaced. “I have not!”
“Then how can you make such a bold statement?” Tatsuma said.
“Are you admitting to having it?” Gintoki said.
“I’m not admitting to any-”
Gintoki snatched a banana peel off the floor and threw it at him, and it hit him square in the face. “Have a banana, gorilla.”
“Thanks,” Tatsuma said as he inhaled the banana peel like a thick spaghetti noodle.
What the hell?! How did he do that? Why did he do that?
It didn’t matter. This madness had to stop, and the only way to make it stop was to catch everyone.
Zura switched directions and nearly ran into Takasugi, who shrieked and ran the other way. Gintoki and Tatsuma crashed into each other, and Zura took that opportunity to jump on them.
“Stop,” he said as he struggled to hold onto them. “You’re disturbing everyone.”
Gintoki tried to throw him off. “You’re disturbing me by existing.”
Zura slapped him in the face with the waffle, and he screamed and wiped his face on Tatsuma’s shirt.
“He used his special attack! I’ve been Puberty Waffle Slapped!”
He bolted, but Zura managed to grab his ankles, and he crashed through the back of the tent.
“It’s just a waffle,” Zura said as the cold wind bit at his skin. “Why are you so afraid?”
“Get away from me,” Gintoki said. “You’re radioactive.”
“What are you, five years old?” Zura’s voice cracked again. “You all went through this too. And I’m not radioactive. I’m Katsura.”
“That’s even worse,” Gintoki said. “Go die in a forest somewhere.”
“No,” Zura said. “Eat this waffle. You wanted it so badly.”
“Not anymore,” Gintoki said.
Zura tossed the waffle to him. “Here’s my donation to the Strawberry Milk Fund.”
Gintoki let the waffle fall to the frosty ground. “I don’t want your donation.”
Takasugi dived for the waffle. “I do.”
“I thought you were afraid of catching puberty or some nonsense,” Zura said. “Why do you-”
“In times like this, I have to take what I can get,” Takasugi said as he picked up the waffle and dusted it off. “The rest of you can starve. I will not.”
He looked around for the juice. “I need a drink to go with this.”
“Here.” Gintoki hefted a garden hose that was lying around for some reason. “Have a big drink.”
“Thank you, Gin-”
Gintoki turned on the water and blasted Takasugi into next week. When he turned off the water, Takasugi was drenched and shivering.
“Well?” Gintoki said. “Are you still thirsty? I can give you another-”
Takasugi’s sword slashed through the garden hose, narrowly missing Gintoki’s arm. He looked up at him, one of his eyes twitching violently. “That will be enough, Gintoki.”
“I was just watering you,” Gintoki said. “Thought you might grow. Clearly not.”
“You can’t use water,” Tatsuma said. “If you want him to grow, you have to use this.”
He opened the juice box and poured it on Takasugi’s head. Something came out, but it wasn’t juice.
It was liquid glue.
“I see,” Gintoki said. “Then you have to plant him.”
He seized Takasugi and flipped him upside down, squishing him into the ground. “Perfect. We have an ugly Takasugi tree. Who wants to cut it down? Gintoki? Okay.”
He drew his sword, but Zura stopped him. “That’s enough of that!”
“I hate all of you,” Takasugi said, struggling to unglue himself from the ground.
“And I love all of you,” Tatsuma said. “Let’s share the waffle nicely.”
“No,” Takasugi said, and he bit into it.
It was cardboard.
Takasugi sighed and threw it aside. “Should have known.”
Zura picked it up and took a bite out of it. Tasted fine. Why was everyone staring at him? Cardboard was a delicacy.
“Our tent is ruined and we have no food,” Takasugi said. “What now?”
“It was your fault,” Gintoki said. “Commit seppuku.”
“No,” Takasugi said. “You’re the disgraced one. You were born a disgrace.”
“Be quiet,” Zura said. “Trees don’t talk.”
Takasugi ripped himself out of the ground, probably losing half his hair in the process. “I’m not a tree.”
“I wish you were,” Gintoki said. “Then some dog would come by and piss on you. That’s what you deserve.”
“Are we being kind?” Tatsuma said.
“No,” Gintoki said. “Why should I be kind to him? Or any of you? You’re all idiots.”
“I’m not an idiot,” Zura said. “I’m Katsura.”
“Same thing,” Gintoki said.
Some time later, they returned to their mats in their ruined tent and tried to go to sleep, mostly because other samurai in the camp were giving them dirty looks. Now that everyone was quiet, Zura was once again conscious of how cold he was.
The wind’s arctic blade sliced into his skin, frost creeping through his blood, and his fingers and toes were numb. To say he was shivering was an understatement. He tried to warm up by curling up tighter, but he didn’t have any warmth left in him.
“I’m cold,” he said quietly.
“No one cares,” came the response from Gintoki and Takasugi, while Tatsuma just laughed.
Then they fell into silence again.
Somehow, Zura eventually found himself at the edge of sleep, and he wasn’t sure if he was going to wake up again. But he was a warrior, so he had to, and he’d been out in the cold for most of the night so far. He would be fine.
It was just…
Really cold…
The next thing he knew, the beginnings of dawn were creeping into the sky of frigid stars, and...he wasn’t cold anymore. For a moment he thought he was dead, and then he smelled the familiar, overpowering scent of strawberry milk. And of Yakult. And whatever that other smell was.
Heaven wouldn’t have them in it.
Tatsuma was squished against him with his arm around him, and Gintoki was on his other side, just as close as Tatsuma. Takasugi managed to fit somewhere between them, and they were all fast asleep. It was peaceful at first, and then Gintoki started snoring loudly.
But that was all right. The night wasn’t cold anymore.
Zura smiled and went back to sleep.