Work Text:
Present Day
“Taehyung I am literally about to pee my pants, where are you?!” Jimin shouted into the phone. “I have been standing outside of your apartment for 20 minutes and I am about a second away from letting loose on your doorstep” he huffs out just before feeling a pair of familiar arms wrap their way around his slim waist and pull him in.
“I’m close by” Taehyung giggles both into the phone and Jimin’s ear. Jimin feels warm breath on his neck, his best friend is laughing into his ear wiggling him around to properly hug him.
10 minutes and an empty bladder later they’re sipping latte’s downstairs at the café next to Taehyung’s apartment building. “I’m still trying to find a place” Jimin sighed into his cup. “It was hard to really look for anything before I got here, people these days want to meet you face to face and know your entire family history before you can move in anywhere.”
Taehyung laughs at his dramatics. He always has. If there is one thing that will never change in Jimin’s life, it’s Taehyung. Separated by a 6 hour time difference or just a different dorm, Taehyung would always be his confidant, his other half, his soulmate. But he also was the first to figure out when Jimin was lying, or pretending to be okay, or the first one to call him on his bullshit. Which was why, as reminiscent as it would be to share his one bedroom apartment while Jimin looked for the perfect apartment, he was just going to pretty much take the first reasonable, roach free apartment he could find.
“I can always ask my friend Hoseok if you want? He might have some good leads. He’s a real estate agent, mostly in Gangnam area, but I am sure he can at least point you in the right direction if you are looking for somewhere closer to the new studio” Taehyung said pulling his phone out seeking Jimin’s approval before shooting off a text or calling him.
“Since when do you have friends I don’t know about?” Jimin pouted. One of the worst things about living in Paris for the last 3 years, aside from the lack of Korean cuisine, was just missing out on life in Korea. He wasn’t sure why he felt this way, but he always imagined that while he was off in Paris working hard and building his career, everyone else was just kind of on pause. It hurt too much to think about it any other way he resigned. If he let those little seeds of feelings take any root they would surely grow. So he tucked them safely back in the little cage inside his heart. Of course their lives had not been on hold, but he could only hope he hadn’t missed all that much despite the distance.
“I mean we’re not close Jimin, I mean he’s funny and bubbly, but he went to school with Yoongi, that’s how I met him a few times. I don’t really know him all that well.” Taehyung tries to reassure him. It doesn’t work, so he does what he does best, avoids the topic.
“Oooh Yoongi huh” Jimin lets the air out, and raises his eyebrows at his friend.
“Yes Yoongi” Taehyung draws out the ‘s’ just a little extra dramatically.
“I’m being replaced two- fold huh” Jimin tries to joke. Hoping Taehyung can’t see through him, he brings the latte to his lips and smirks into the cup a little.
“There’s no one else for me babe, it’s just you” Taehyung knocks his shoulder against Jimin’s affectionately. A genuine smile is finally able to form on Jimin’s lips.
“Will you ask him for me please. I really do need to find a place. You’re far too messy for me, and I do not have any patience for hearing you having quiet sex with Yoongi while you both pretend I can’t hear from the couch” he laughs out, feigning a serious tone.
Taehyung points his phone in Jimin’s direction, indicating he will in fact text his friend about helping him, before typing away on his keyboard.
1 week later
Jimin was late. He hated nothing more then the fact that he constantly fell right into the stereotypes his friends and family had about him, but something in his DNA constantly caused him to lose track of time, get stuck in traffic or worse, actually forget.
This particular instance had not been any of those, but it still caused him to run behind for meeting Hoseok at the apartment he was viewing in Dongdaemun. He had finally settled into a bit of a rhythm at the new dance studio, of course that was until today. While Jimin was a renowned contemporary dancer, most people in the business knew he also had a background in hip hop and popping. Except for the mother of a toddler having their first lessons today. Now, Jimin prided himself on being a professional, he had been teaching lessons to pay the rent while working on his own choreo since high school, and he had dealt with his fair share of disrespectful, pompous and needy parents, but this lady took the cake in Jimin’s opinion.
“Mr. Park, look I understand that you THINK you know what you’re doing with this class, but Misoo, she is a star, she is special, and she really needs someone who is going to work with her to win this competition and we are running short on time.”
The child squirmed beside her mother. Jimin gave her a sympathetic look.
“I understand, but we have just met for the first time today, and I did some evaluations on her progress and training, and I don’t see any reason why we can not improve her skills and routine in your time table. It’s clear she a very talented little girl, who just wants to have fun.” He shoots the little girl a smile.
The mother huffs. Jimin does not give her a sympathetic look.
“I am sure SHE is. What I am not sure about is YOU, and YOUR qualifications.” She is almost shouting now.
Jimin lets his eyes fall back to little Misoo. She looks confused, embarrassed, and tired.
“With all due respect, I think my credentials are probably the least of our problems here. If you do not want her at this studio, we’ll kindly refund you your money minus the portion for the session today. You’re free to go to another studio or academy, but If you want her here at THIS studio, I am going to be doing the teaching, and I do not need an assistant.” Jimin’s confidence exuded when his dancing was called into question, so he held her gaze and she gave in. Even though this was a victory for Jimin, he was however, now definitely going to be late to meet Hoseok.
***
Zipping down the sidewalk at light speed is somewhat of a natural way of walking in Seoul for Jimin, he’s almost there, and he feels so bad making Hoseok wait. As he approaches, he slows down and focuses his hands on his hair, and smoothing out his outfit. He can see a man, clip board and a stack of papers in hand standing in front of the building, bright navy blazer over a pale yellow shirt and matching navy pants that were clearly tailored to his exact figure. He looked as bubbly as Taehyung had described.
“Hoseok- ssi?” he bowed as he questioned. Hoseok smiled a bright smile and nodded. “I am so sorry” Jimin started as he looked up to take in the building.
It was 2 loft style apartments and a ground level with big wrought iron cages windows throughout. It looked recently renovated, or like it was modeled after brownstone in New York City. It was tucked back from the other apartment next to it, which were similarly styled. Jimin was instantly drawn to it.
“Oh it’s no big deal” Hoseok swatted at his arm as he continued to bow in apology scoping out the area as he came up from his bows. His smile was big, and warm.
**
The apartment was on the second (top) floor, and spacious, especially for the price. Hoseok followed him around as he wandered the rooms, feeding him tidbits of information about the apartment- how the dishwasher needed to be jiggled open, how the trash was separated on the street, how the previous tenant was having a baby and needed a second bedroom. “Now, there is a laundry in the basement, it’s free to use, there is also a garden to access from the ground level. I know it’s a little boring with the white walls and plain hardwood flooring, but you can definitely make it your own” Hoseok looped his head around to face where Jimin was standing at the window.
“If you want to apply I’ll give you a copy of the application today, but you’ll have to meet the owners, they make all decisions personally. I can set up a meeting?” Hoseok was enthusiastic. Since Jimin had just met him he didn’t know if that was him naturally or if that was him trying to make commission. Jimin wanted to believe it was the former.
**
Seokjin seemed really kind, Jimin thought to himself as he watched him and his husband Namjoon fussing over some cookies and a bit of tea they were offering him during their meeting about the apartment. They both seemed kind and undeniably attractive and wealthy.
They lived on the first floor of the building and had tenants on top and on the ground level. Their apartment was decorated in a way that seemed to directly reflect how they presented themselves. House plants littering the windows, a cat strutting around a grand piano in the sitting room, and a cozy kitchen with fine appliances and dining table fitted into the nook area with a vase of bright flowers decorating it. Pictures of the two of them with other faces and pets made the walls feel alive, and like the home was filled with people, when in reality it was quiet, save the couple in the kitchen swatting at each other as Seokjin sugared the tea and Namjoon found it to be too sweet now.
**
“So Jimin-ssi, tell me a little bit about yourself” Seokjin rested his elbow on the table, placing his palm under his chin and relaxing into the seat across from Jimin.
“Well, where to start, uhh I just moved back home after being abroad for work the last three years. I was dancing as a principal in Paris, but I decided not to renew my contract, I got an opportunity to come back here and head a studio and teach, work on my own choreography, you know kind of do my own thing.”
“There is really not a whole lot more to me at the moment, I’m pretty boring, I’m afraid”
He laughed a little as he explained.
“A dancer huh. I used to dance a little when I starred in some musicals. I mean I wasn’t particularly good at the dancing part, but I did love it.” Seokjin had a dreamy look in his eye, Jimin knew the look. The longing to do something you were meant to do.
“Are you an actor?” Jimin asked.
“He’s the best actor” Namjoon intervened before Seokjin could answer.
“Hyung is really, truly, amazing, but lately we’ve both been taking some time off. Really focusing on running the building, even though I keep telling him he needs to get back out there.”
The blush on Seokjin’s cheeks reached his ears adorably, he almost seemed to vibrate at the praise from his husband.
“Aishh. I am not” Seokjin laughed, trying to keep a humble tone.
“What do you do Namjoon-ssi? Are you also an actor?” Jimin questioned.
“Ahh no Jimin-ssi.” Namjoon paused to laugh before continuing.
“I’m a director actually. That how hyung and I met. I was directing my first stage production and he was in the cast. The best in the cast to be exact.” Namjoon smiled turning his head to meet Seokjin’s affectionate gaze. They both dripped of honey. Jimin felt a little pang. A little pang of something green poking through the cage he was keeping in his heart.
“You two make a very lovely couple” Jimin smiled, and sipped his tea dutifully finishing the cup in hopes their little interview would soon end before his own loneliness began to creep.
“You know what, Jimin-ah, I really like you. If you want the place, it’s yours. I’d be happy to have you” Seokjin glowed as he extended Jimin the documents to take if he wished.
1 week later
The worst thing about moving was undoubtedly the part where you have to move, Jimin thought to himself. He was alone seated in the middle of his new and quite empty apartment, while Taehyung was working. He hadn’t asked his parents to come over either since they would probably fuss over how clean it was, or if there was too little or too much sunlight, he’d rather wait a few weeks until he was settled, and then invite them. The movers would be here in three days anyway, they would empty the storage unit he had kept since he left, and bring what furniture he had to his place, and after that he would figure out what he needed.
All he had right now were the two big suitcases sitting in front of the mailboxes in the lobby, and the dancing gear and backpack keeping him company on the living room floor.
“Ugghh” he vocalized to the empty room.
“No one else is going to get it for me” he said as he sprung from the ground to jog downstairs and retrieve his suitcases.
The lobby was quite well kept, with a black and white swirled pattern to the marble tiles, the potted plants going from the row of mailboxes where his suitcases were situated all the way up the flight of stairs. Jimin had no idea of the names these plants held, but he like the idea of having something green in the city, where he rarely saw any glimpses of natures beauty.
As Jimin corralled his luggage he noticed the mailboxes his suitcases leaned against. And froze.
The funny thing about mailboxes is that they don’t always have the tenants’ names, most large complexes just have unit numbers. But this being a smaller building, with just the three spaces this one had names. Normally that wouldn’t be of concern to Jimin, but the ground floor mailbox had a particular name that Jimin hadn’t expected to see. Jeon Jeongguk.
**
Taehyung held the phone to his ear while a very riled up Yoongi kissed down the side of his navel, eyeing him as he held Taehyung’s shirt up and put his hands on Taehyung’s nipples as his teeth began to work on the elastic of Taehyungs underwear. Taehyung trained his eyes on Yoongi’s mouth.
“Jimin I am not understanding what the big deal is. You don’t even know if it is THAT Jeon Jeongguk. And so what if it is? You’ll just live in the same building. It’s been three years. You’re over him right?”
Jimin freezes.
“Riiiight?” Taehyung says exasperatedly into the phone again.
“Right.” Totally. I mean, he was the one who ended it, so what other choice did he have, then to be over it.
“I am Tae, but it will be so fucking awkward, I mean it’s Jeongguk! It’s not some random hook up or whatever. Actually, that would totally be worse considering some of my choices. Either way. It’s just weird. Did you know he lived here?” Jimin questioned incredulously.
Yoongi ran the tiniest tip of his tongue down the shaft of Taehyung’s cock, eyebrows raised high on his head. Pleading for Taehyungs undivided attention.
“Of course not Jimin, why would I know that? Look I have to go, I’ll talk to you soon, I love you, it’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. Have a good first night in your apartment. Bye” the click of the call ending didn’t surprise Jimin, but he still managed to feel a little stung at his best friend rushing him off the phone in favor of whatever the hell him and Yoongi were doing these days.
In the middle of the living room using his balled up t-shirts as a pillow, he laid on the three towels he’d concocted into a bed and covered himself with his coat.
I’m totally over him.
4 years ago
“So, we’re really doing this?” Jimin shot an eyebrow up and questioned.
“Lots of people do this, look at all of the people out there right now”
Jimin had to admit it was kind of cute. He had lived in Seoul since he was 15, but he hadn’t ever paddled in a Swan boat on the Han River.
“Okay, but if I fall in, I am telling you now I am weak, and I can’t swim and the current will take me Jeongguk” Jimin tried to hide his smile as he fastened his life jacket over his shirt.
Jeongguk just laughed as he held his hand out to Jimin to guide him on the boat.
It was nice, being out on the water. Even if the water was a little green, and the sky was a little gray, Jeongguk was bright enough that it all seemed so much prettier when he was around.
Jimin wasn’t really sure why he had agreed to this date at all, but now that he was here, and now that they were together, and laughing at Jeongguk’s inability to steer the boat, Jimin had to admit he was having a good time. That was really what scared him. How easy it would be to fall into this. To fall into Jeongguk.
Jeongguk was sort of an enigma to Jimin. They hadn’t known each other long before Jeongguk asked Jimin on a date. In fact they had known each other exactly 2 hours and 10 minutes, and he had said yes. Quickly in fact.
They were introduced by Taehyung and his art friends at an installation, and kind of immediately gravitated to each other through the evening. Both of them making snippy jokes about the pretentiousness of the installation, and how everyone (them selves included) always wore black to these things like it was some kind of funeral.
“I made lunch” Jeongguk broke him from his reverie.
Jimin laughed as Jeongguk shook out a cloth napkin and draped it on his knees as a makeshift table.
“Oh, you did. How thoughtful.” Jimin smiled- a genuine smile. He couldn’t help how cute Jeongguk was to him. It made him feel light, and bubbly. Jimin attributed it to fleeting feels and primal attraction as best he could, although deep down he knew it was more. It was genuine chemistry.
“I have to warn you though Jeongguk. I am a really picky eater.” Jimin joked, half-heartedly.
“Oh I know, I saw you picking the peppers and olives off the pizza at the installation” Jeongguk noted, his attention unwavering from the items he pulled from a canvas bag perched next to his knees.
“You saw that?” Jimin’s cheeks dusted a little pink at being caught. He hated that Jeongguk had seen him being picky.
“Yeah, I noticed.” Jeongguk shook a small, white, opaque container in front of Jimin.
“This is full of olives and peppers” Jeongguk whispered jokingly. Sending Jimin into a fit of giggles.
**
Taehyung swirls his wine around in his glass. His other hand securely fit in and laced with Jimin’s as the walk through the gallery. Yoongi and Jeongguk make small talk by the refreshment table, both groups casually glancing at each other to keep tabs.
“So he owns a boat? Wow he must be really rich, holy shit.” Taehyungs eyes are wide as Jimin details their date.
“No you idiot, you rent them at the river. Haven’t you ever seen them? Jesus.” Jimin throws back the wine in one go.
“Well, you invited him here, so it must have went better then you’re implying. So is he your boyfriend now?” And Taehyung is using ‘the tone’, the tone he uses when he’s wiggling his eyebrows and inferring something.
“No he’s not my boyfriend now” Jimin is whisper yelling.
“I am leaving in less then a year. Of course he’s not my boyfriend” Jimin unlinks his arm from Taehyung as Yoongi and Jeongguk approach.
“Has everyone been inside the actual exhibit yet?” Yoongi questions, probably itching to leave so he can make out with Taehyung, Jimin thinks to himself.
“I haven’t” Jeongguk and Jimin say in unison. Jimin thinks that’s a bad sign.
“Well, I have and now, I am really thirsty, Tae are you thirsty?” Yoongi starts to walk away, motioning for Taehyung to follow.
Jimin’s eyes land on Taehyungs nearly full glass of wine.
“Oh my god me too, so thirsty, I’ll come with Yoon” Taehyung abandons him.
Jimin remembers he’s not alone when Jeongguk clears his throat. He curses Taehyung under is breath.
“Subtle huh” Jeongguk hides a shy smile by rubbing his hand across his lips.
Jimin nods, finding himself also smiling automatically when Jeongguk smiles at him.
**
The exhibit is dark, and Jimin doesn’t understand it at all. There are lights flashing, and the walls are painted black. This is why he tries to avoid Taehyungs artsy friends he thinks. He never understands what the hell they mean by their art.
Jeongguk walks beside him silently. Though Jimin can tell he is itching to say something by the way his eyebrows furrow, then unfurrow repeatedly.
At the end of the exhibit there’s a little white table with two chairs directly under the light show.
They sit.
“I don’t have any idea what this is all supposed to mean, I hope you do so I can have you explain it to me later when I am less likely to seize from these lights.” Jeongguk chuckles a little at his own joke. Jimin’s heart is wavering.
“I wish I could help you, but I literally have less than a clue.” Jimin smiles. Jeongguk smiles. Their smiles are little viruses to each other. Tiny particles that pass between them, back and forth.
“I really had a lot of fun at the river with you Jimin.” Jeongguk pauses, Jimin can tell he’s shy.
“And thanks for inviting me today- my roommates were totally pestering me about my Overwatch habits anyway, and I really needed to get out of my apartment for a while. I need to move soon anyway, they are so messy and annoying. But, uhm I’m glad you asked me to come with you tonight. Even if I don’t understand any of this.” Jeongguk’s eyes are on the walls, and he’s gesturing to the exhibit. Jimin is cracking.
“I’m happy you came too Jeongguk.” Jimin smiles a genuine smile at him, he feels it reach his eyes.
“Do you maybe want to get some dinner after this?” Jeongguk’s eyes betray him, Jimin knows he means to sound confident, but his eyes are darting past Jimin.
“I do occasionally dabble in dinner”
Present
Jeongguk closes the wrought iron gate that protects his front door and arranges his coat before he notices the big moving truck parked directly in front of the building. The mover looks annoyed as he nods toward Jeongguk. “You Park?” he calls out to Jeongguk as Jeongguk takes a second to process the question.
“Uh no sorry” he turns his back to the mover ready to leave.
“That’s me!” he hears a voice exclaim from the stairs. He knows that voice though. Which makes no sense to him. He turns back around. Mistake.
Jimin’s eyes find him, and he finds Jimin’s. He takes a step toward the stairs instead of his destination. And then they’re staring at each other. Jimin from the steps entering the lofts, and Jeongguk from the sidewalk below.
The mover interrupts.
“Look I don’t have all day here, I have other moves, where am I going with this?”
Jimin jumps visibly.
“Shit sorry, second floor, the door is open.”
And then they’re in each others space. Jimin is hugging Jeongguk, briefly, awkwardly. He doesn’t even remember Jimin moving down the stairs towards him.
“Hey, wow” Jimin hears the fakeness in his own voice, and mentally scolds himself.
“What’re you…” Jeongguk trails, not finishing his thought before Jimin is word vomiting.
“I just moved in. I mean, I am moving in right now. Well, you know the movers are moving in.” Jesus Christ he’s an idiot he says to himself.
“This building? My building?” Jeongguk is pointing up at the building, he sounds confused, and almost irritated to Jimin’s ears. It sends up red flags, but he’s trying hard to ignore them.
“Yeah, a friend of Taehyung’s set me up- Hoseok.”
“Hoseok” he says flatly, it leaves Jeongguk’s lips like he’s said that name a thousand times, and that strikes Jimin as odd, but he doesn’t question it.
“Did you know I lived here?” Jeongguk seems alarmed. Another red flag.
“Yes, well no, not originally, I only found out the other day when I saw the mailbox, and it had your name, I wasn’t for sure it was you, but I guess I am for sure it’s you now.” The word vomit, it’s spewing out uncontrollably from Jimin’s mouth. He trains his eyes on the sidewalk around them- finding anything but Jeongguk’s big brown eyes to focus on.
“…and you just thought it was okay to keep living here?” Jeongguk sounds almost angry. Jimin hadn’t prepared himself well enough for this conversation. He just thought… he wasn’t exactly sure what he thought.
“I figured we could be friends, I mean it’s been 3 years right?” he tries to laugh it off. Friends. Jimin thinks to himself.
Now it’s Jeongguk’s turn to fake laugh.
“Jimin you thought we could be friends? Friends.” Jeongguk sounds exhausted. Like he’s running out of air after a marathon.
Jimin doesn’t speak. He find’s Jeongguk’s eyes. Mistake.
“There is no way I can ever be friends with you Jimin. I.. I have to go.” And he’s gone. Disappearing behind the corner down the street.
1 week later
“It was so awkward. He obviously does not want me to live here. Should I move out? I’m just going to move out.”
Taehyung rolls his eyes, and continues lounging on the patio furniture drink in hand in- true Taehyung fashion, while Seokjin, Namjoon and Jimin tend to the enormous planters in the garden out back.
“Jimin you’re not going anywhere” Seokjin wags a gloved finger in his direction.
“Hyung, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable here. I want this place to be good for everyone” Jimin whines. He not usually much of a whiner, but he’s feeling all sorts of things he didn’t think he’d be feeling and doing all sorts of things he didn’t think he’d be doing. Like living in the same building as Jeongguk, separated only by Namjoon and Seokjin sandwiched in between.
“I think it will be fine with some time, I mean how often do you plan to see your neighbors anyway. It’s not like you’re going to go ring his doorbell to check in.” Namjoon adds.
**
Sometimes Jimin loves living alone. Sometimes he absolutely hates it. Right now it’s the latter. It’s not raining, there’s no thunder or lightning, but the power is out, and it’s going on an hour. It reminds him of things he is just trying to will himself to forget, but he can’t keep his mind at bay.
3.5 years ago
Jimin touches the tip of his tongue to the batteries. He’s always tested them this way. His dad taught him when they lived in Busan in the tiny house, with the unstable electricity. They spent all of monsoon season with flashlights by their beds just waiting for the storm to take the light.
Jimin liked to be prepared. So, he’s testing all of the batteries in Jeongguk’s apartment on his tongue for the emergency kit. The power is going to go out sooner rather than later with the storm hitting.
“Baby, what are you doing?” Jeongguk snakes his arms around Jimin’s torso from behind. Burying his nose in the space between Jimin’s neck and hair. It’s his favorite spot. It’s both of their favorites if he’s honest.
“I need to make sure all of these are fully juiced, for when the lights go out.” Jimin replies, lining up the batteries he’s tested.
“Well they just came out of the package I’m sure they’re fine Jimin” Jeongguk is trying to distract him by kissing his neck now. Jimin is on to him, not that he minds.
“Well I can’t just count on that, I have to test them. Unless you’re not interested in this safety kit, in which case I’ll just go and you can be here in the dark alone.” Jimin pretends he’s going to wiggle out of Jeongguk’s arms, but Jeongguk is also on to him, and he’s stronger. He tickles Jimin’s sides as he picks him up and lands them both on the couch.
“Roommates?” Jimin questions before giving in to anything not PG on the couch of Jeongguk’s apartment.
“One overnight shift, and one staying with his girlfriend in her flat for the weekend’ Jeongguk dutifully answers. They kiss. They kiss until the snap of the power going out causes Jimin to break out into “I told you sos”
Present
Jimin convinces himself the worst that could happen if he went and rang Jeongguk’s doorbell is that Jeongguk would be home and not answer. It actually does not occur to him that there would be any other circumstance worse. He is wrong.
It’s starting to get colder at night. It’s late September and he’s wearing a bright blue sweater he stole from Taehyung’s closet- thinking it was warm. Not that he had changed 6 or 7 times before walking downstairs to see his frie… his neighbor, he reminds himself. He definitely had not done that.
Deep breaths Park. He coaches himself. You’re an adult, you can talk about the power being out. Simple question. He positions himself in front of the iron gate protecting Jeongguk’s actual front door.
Deep breath, he presses the doorbell, once, twice.
The door opens, but it’s not Jeongguk who answers. Jimin is instantly confused, and for some reason defensive, but he’s not sure why.
“Hoseok, hi, nice to see you again.” He smiles, but the smile is fake. Anyone with sight and a clue could tell.
“Jimin. Hi. Can I help you?” Hoseok smiles, brightly. Sweetly. It’s dark but Jimin can tell he’s not confused to see Jimin, more like resigned or sadly expecting it.
“Is Jeongguk moving out? Or is he here.., why are you here?”
Hoseok takes a long look at Jimin, before calling Jeongguk’s name.
And then the three of them are standing there. Separated by a thick iron gate. Jimin feels embarrassed, but he can’t quite figure out why in the moment.
“Hi Jimin” Jeongguk’s voice is extra dry. Like he’s keeping any inflection or emotion completely to himself.
“Hi” Jimin doesn’t know what to say. His eyes are going back and forth between Hoseok and Jeongguk. No one is saying it, but he is feeling it.
“Did you need something?” Jeongguk breaks the incredibly awkward silence.
“Oh yeah, I was just wondering if you knew why the power was out? Jimin tries to meet Jeongguk’s gaze, but he’s having trouble. Instead focusing in on the distance, or lack thereof, between Hoseok and Jeongguk.
“Scheduled maintenance on the line. I think it should be back up soon.” Jeongguk seems clueless to the fact that Jimin did not come down here for that. Hoseok however, seems to catch on.
“There was a letter in the mailboxes, didn’t you get one?” Hoseok is polite, but trite and if he were in Hoseok’s shoes, Jimin would be the same.
Jimin laughs. It’s transparent how fake it is. “I should really check my mail more often” he says, he thinks about thanking them and bolting back to his apartment upstairs. But the word vomit. Here it comes.
“Are you two dating?” he points his question at Jeongguk but it’s Hoseok who nods first. Followed by Jeongguks small “yeah.”
Jimin nods. “Good, great, congratulations. See you around! Have a good night.” He lays the fake enthusiasm on so hard it would give anyone diabetes from the sweetness. He does indeed bolt back to his apartment upstairs. Not quite understanding why he’s bothered by anything to do with Jeongguk.
I ended it, not him. What right do I have.
**
From his apartment in Dongdaemun to Taehyung’s apartment in Gangnam it takes about 35 minutes by train and 10 minutes by taxi, but since Jimin had been lingering around his apartment fully dressed in his Halloween costume for the last 30 minutes, he figured he’d take the long way so he’s not incredibly early.
He doesn’t even want to be at this party honestly, but he knows he’s been avoiding going out, and he feels bad that he has hardly spent any time with Taehyung in the last few weeks- so he goes. Things have been picking up at the studio, with classes underway, and any free time is spent working on choreography he is preparing. He has a few auditions lined up for back up dancer positions in music videos so he’s been spending nearly all of his time at the studio. He’s using it as a way to process the things he doesn’t speak about. At least that’s what he’s been telling himself.
**
The party on the roof of Taehyung building is already on Jimin’s nerves 10 minutes after he arrives. It’s not Taehyung’s party, but a party his building is throwing, so Jimin makes an effort to spend time with him, and consume copious amounts of free alcohol.
“Why do they feel the need for this to be on the roof? It’s basically winter, and it’s cold.” Taehyung is dressed as a sexy pirate he explains to Jimin when he arrives, and Yoongi is his cat. That fits, oddly. And Jimin is dressed loosely as a mouse, only sporting a little painted pink nose and a set of mouse ears, and opting for an all black outfit to complement the face paint.
“I don’t know, probably just to not trash someone’s apartment or an entire floor of an apartment.” Taehyung scans the crowd of maybe 40 or 50 people for Yoongi. Who he finds dutifully refilling the candy bowls. Jimin can see the physical reaction that Taehyung has when they lock eyes for a second. He melts a little. Like a little pat of butter slowly sizzling away in a frying pan. He loses his shape, and melts.
Then the pang is back. That uneasiness he feels when he sees the visible bits of his friends love.
“I’ll be right back, you want some candy corn?” Taehyung giggles as he walks toward a waiting Yoongi.
Jimin just rolls his eyes and shoos his friend off.
**
Jimin must look desperate, he thinks, as a man dressed in what appears to be a cowboy with hot pants approaches him, shortly after Taehyung abandons him for his boyfriend. To make matters worse as the man approaches Taehyung catches his eye, nodding and smiling at Jimin as a sign that he needed to at least make an effort to be nice.
“What’s up?”
Jimin winced internally at the way the guys voice sounded against his ears. He sounded like a total bro, and Jimin just wasn’t in the mood to indulge him tonight.
“Hey” he responded avoiding eye contact, and rocking back on his heels. Hoping to propel himself off the roof and into the atmosphere if it meant he didn’t have to suffer through this guy awkwardly pursuing him.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you here before, do you live in this building?” The guy offered Jimin a small smile.
Jimin hated it. He hates the guy’s eyes, the fact that he had a mustache, the fact that he approached him. This evening was turning out to be worse then Jimin anticipated, and he knew he was the cause, but for some reason lacked any ability to change it.
It was a long pause before Jimin responded, and he realized it was a dumb thing to not answer quickly about.
“Oh no- I don’t, it’s my friends building actually. But I mean, even if I did you probably wouldn’t see much of me up here” Jimin forced the joke, forced the laugh that followed, and hoped the conversation ended there. Unfortunately Jimin’s response was only repaid by never ending questions about where he lives, where he worked, how long had he been dancing, what was he doing this weekend, where was his family from.
Jimin wasn’t even sure he was answering appropriately since it was mostly robotically. Downing drink after drink, shot after shot, until he was fuzzy- until he couldn’t really tell if he was even answering, let alone what he was saying. He was on Mars, and this guy was firmly planted on Earth- and it didn’t seem to matter to the man that they were on different planets.
“… yeah, so my dad, he’s like really big on fishing, we go to Jeju Island at least once a year for a trip to fish for an entire weekend, we have a boat down there…” Jimin was so lost he didn’t even remember how they got to the topic.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I have to go.” Jimin blurted out, shoving the solo cup into the mans hand (did he even get his name?) before abruptly walking off to tell Taehyung he was leaving.
**
It wasn’t really all that late by the time Jimin was dropped off outside his building by the taxi. His vision had improved a little during the car ride home, and he had plenty of time to think about exactly what he was going to do when he got home. Sleep until new years.
But then, there’s a package, laying in the middle of the lobby in front of the mailboxes. So Jimin’s plans change.
Deep breath.
Push the doorbell. Ring once, ring twice.
“Trick or Treat!” but it’s not Jeongguk’s voice delivering the greeting. It’s Hoseok’s. This time he looks less polite, and more annoyed.
The moment where they’re silently staring at each other last a little too long, and Jimin realizes this time Jeongguk is not coming out. It’s just Hoseok.
“Umm, I tripped over this when I was walking in, I just thought I would bring it down to Jeongguk. Is he here?” Jimin sways. Maybe he had not sobered up quite as much as he thought.
“I’ll take it” Hoseok smiles, but it doesn’t seem sincere and for some reason that pisses Jimin off.
“Yeah, but it says Jeon Jeongguk…so… is he here?” Jimin points to the label, holding the package up to his face and using the tiny amount of light coming from the street to show Hoseok the printed name.
“I’ll take it” Hoseok repeats, he’s holding a big plastic dish filled with candy. Jimin notices it’s shit candy, like tootsie rolls and lollipops. For some reason Jimin hates it. Hates that they have shitty candy in their shitty apartment. Their shitty apartment with the big white blinds, behind the iron bars, where the view is of the trash cans and the guys who piss on the sidewalk at 3 am.
“Jimin I said I’ll take the package, can you please go.”
Jimin realizes he’s been staring at the candy- zoned out. Hoseok reaches through the iron to grab the package and in turn Jimin dives his free hand into the candy dish, grabbing a fist full. Pretending it’s a fair exchange, as Hoseok takes possession of the small package, Jimin has taken his shitty candy.
Hoseok makes the first sound of disapproval in the form of the door slamming as Jimin makes his way up the stairs, dropping the candies he doesn’t want on his way.
1 week later
“I got a part!” Seokjin is vibrating with happiness, and Jimin is trying his best to be a supportive friend. They have really bonded since he’s moved in. Spending free time together, shopping, cooking, talking. And genuinely he’s happy for Seokjin. He’s so proud of him too.
“Will you come to the first show? It’s at the end of November, we only have 3 weeks of rehearsals. Which honestly has me more frazzled then I would like to admit, but would you please come?” Seokjin’s eye are wide, and Jimin knows he would absolutely make time for Seokjin’s play. There is no doubt in his mind.
He nods. Assuredly. “Of course I will, I wouldn’t miss it.”
Seokjin beams.
**
He’s late. It’s 15 minutes until curtain call and he is running, full speed, bouquet be damned, through Jangno, Seoul’s theatre district to be on time.
The theater is dark when he enters, bouquet a little out of sorts, but a bouquet none the less. He finds his seat, the seat next to him empty, the seat beside that occupied by Jeongguk and beside him Namjoon.
Why did he not consider this possibility?
He smiles, politely, and Jeongguk does the same. No exchange. Just the smiles. Then the show starts.
And Seokjin was brilliant. He was beautiful on stage, witty, serious, he was obviously talented, and you could see it in Namjoon’s eyes that he felt the same and then some when he watched him.
The pang. It was sitting just beneath the surface.
Outside the theater Jimin waited alongside Namjoon and Jeongguk for Seokjin to come out from the back. Jimin did his best to avoid eye contact with Jeongguk, favoring the view of gum stuck to the sidewalk illuminated by the outdoor theater light.
“Baby!” Namjoon exclaims makes grabby hands at Seokjin as he weaves through the crowd and makes his way over to them. It elicits Jimins attention, and he smiles genuinely as his hyung excitedly stops in front of them. They take turns giving Seokjin his praise and congratulations, and Jimin goes last, handing the bouquet of flowers telling his hyung how proud he is, how amazing he did, and how beautiful he looked. Seokjin is beaming, and Namjoon is too. Jimin envies their energy around each other. How they always seem to complement each other at every given chance.
The pang. He realizes Seokjin has been talking and Jimin hasn’t been paying any attention.
“Anyway, I am going to go freshen up for the after party. Joonie is staying, you two are free to join us if you want.” He’s motioning towards Jimin and Jeongguk but they’re both quick to say no thank you and bid their goodbyes.
And then it’s just the two of them.
“Are you heading home?” Jimin nods in the direction to start walking home. They’re far, probably a good 10 minute taxi ride, but for some reason they’re walking. Slowly, towards their building.
“Where’s Hoseok? He couldn’t make it tonight?” Jimin tries to sound light, nonchalant, not accusatory. He’s not sure if he passes, but he thinks it is best attempt considering.
“Ah, we broke up actually.” He’s avoiding Jimin’s gaze now. Speaking slowly, as if he’s letting Jimin down, or trying to cushion the blow.
“Oh” And Jimin is shocked. But mostly he’s feeling guilty. He’s feeling like this probably would not have happened if he had just left Jeongguk alone, or moved, or never came back at all. “I’m sorry, Jeongguk. Is it because…” But he doesn’t get a chance to finish his thought before Jeongguk is speaking.
“It’s not your fault Jimin”
Then there’s silence. And they’re walking. It’s been a few minutes since anyone has said anything. And it’s cold and awkward, and more than anything Jimin just wants to break past this phase.
Jimin thinks this is really his best shot at curing this pang. That feeling he’s been feeling occasionally since he came back to Seoul.
“I’m really hungry. Did you eat? Are you hungry?” Jimin chances it, and steals a sideways glance. Except Jeongguk is also stealing a sideways glance, and now they’re walking and glancing and Jimin thinks that if Jeongguk just says yes, he’s hungry Jimin can cure his pangs by just asking him again to be his friend.
Jeongguk just kind of nods. Which really doesn’t tell Jimin anything about if he is actually hungry. So he’s chancing it again.
“Do you maybe, would you want to go to dinner? I know this Italian place, it’s right up the street. We could grab dinner.” Jimin feels like he’s risking a lot, just by asking. But Jeongguk keeps walking with him, so he thinks that’s a good sign.
It’s small, but he hears it. And then he’s blushing. But he’s blaming it on the cold November night. The “Yeah, okay” that Jeongguk gives him. And he’s smiling.
**
Jimin hadn’t lied when he said he knew of an Italian restaurant nearby, he just hadn’t ever been there to know anything about the place. Not that he would actually do much eating, not with the nest of nerves currently zipping through his digestive system and into his throat. He has no choice though, this is his chance and he is not letting it slip out of his hands.
“So, how have you been? How is your music? You’re still doing music, right?” Jimin is trying to break the tension. Just trying to crack whatever icy exterior Jeongguk has built up. He just needs a little in.
Jeongguk chuckles, almost like he’s shrugging off the awkwardness of being seated across from Jimin, in an intimate restaurant on a Saturday night. Any passersby would assume they were on a date, or married or something based on their image alone, but at the moment nothing was further from the truth. “Yeah, I’m good. I am. Still doing music. Touring some actually.” Jeongguk seems to relax a little. Like the first big hurdle has been won, and now the next hurdle is for Jimin to jump.
“Wow touring, that’s amazing.” Jimin can’t help but smile. Jeongguk was really talented. It was part of the reason he felt ending it when they did was the right thing. He couldn’t risk it.
“Yeah, it’s really something. How are you, how was…” but Jeongguk doesn’t get to finish, because the waiter appears and he’s clearing his throat.
“Hello folks, can I start by getting you something from our wine menu or from the bar?” his name tag says Hansol, and he seems oddly irritated by the couple, despite them having just settled into the table. Jimin has the menu opened and he’s narrowed down his choices.
Jimin starts “I’ll have the house red wine, and can I also have a lemon for my water please?”
Hansol recites, “The house red wine, okay. No can do on the lemon though. We don’t have any.” He says and for some reason it sounds snarky.
“You don’t have lemons?” Jimin questions.
“No- no lemons” he responds trite and irritation laden in his voice.
“There is literally lemon risotto right here on the menu?” Jimin is puzzled.
Jeongguk is following along, his head bouncing back between Hansol, the waiter, and Jimin.
“Yes, we have lemons for food, but no lemons for drinks. He says matter of factly.
“No lemons” Jimin recites, just to be sure.
“Right” Hansol responds. “No lemons”
Jimin tilts his head, his right ear nearly colliding with his shoulder in a state of confusion, but acceptance of the bizarre situation. “Okay, no lemons.”
“And for you sir?” Hansol spins on his heel to face Jeongguk.
“I’ll have the house red wine too.” Jeongguk is holding back a laugh, Jimin can tell.
And with that the waiter is gone.
“What the fuck” Jeongguk bursts and he’s laughing. It’s the first time Jimin thinks he’s seen him laugh in a really long time. It makes him warm. And then he’s laughing.
“I was going to ask for some butter for this bread, but now I’m scared.” Jimin is giggling.
“Yeah, definitely no butter Jimin. Butter is for cooking, butter is definitely not for bread. How dare you.”
**
The rest of the night feels so light. They’re almost to the building now, but Jimin feels himself slow their pace to draw out his time. But they’re home now, and they’re standing at the bottom of the stairs, where he’ll go up to his apartment and Jeongguk will walk behind his gate into his, and it’s time to say goodnight, and Jimin is feeling the pang a little bit right now but it confuses him.
“Well, goodnight” Jimin whispers, but neither of them move. He can see his breath taking up the tiny space between them. Jimin leans in to hug Jeongguk, and it isn’t even reluctant, Jeongguk just accepts the hug, and his palm is splayed out across Jimin’s back. He can feel it through the thick coat. The way Jeongguk’s hands keep their bodies pushed together.
And then Jeongguks lips are on his. His beautiful lips, that are always soft, and always loaded with that one brand of chapstick he always used. Jimin can taste it, and he can feel it, the little spark that shoots from Jeongguk’s lips into his heart.
It feels like nothing has changed. When he’s kissing him he feels like there isn’t 4 years of distance between them. But he knows there is, and he can’t help but think about it. And so he cuts the kiss, and he’s ducking from Jeongguk’s grasp.
“What, what’s wrong?” Jeongguk is searching for Jimin’s eyes, but Jimin is refusing to meet him.
He finds his resolve. He can feel the pang throbbing. But he needs to be clear.
“Nothing Gguk, I told you I just want to be friends. I’m sorry, I just don’t think...” But he doesn’t really finish the sentence, because truly Jimin doesn’t even know what he thinks.
“Friends. Jimin. Be serious. You were flirting with me all night! You’ve taken every opportunity you could to come to my door, to see me in the hallway” Jeongguk is almost shouting. “Friends. You can’t be fucking serious Jimin. I told you, I told you! I am never going to be JUST friends with you.” Now Jeongguk, is unabashedly shouting.
And as quickly as the progress was made, the progress was destroyed.
3.25 years ago
Jimin did not want to be late. So they’re speed walking, and he’s trying to adjust Jeongguks tie, and he’s frazzled.
“Don’t forget to bow a full 90 degrees when you meet him okay?” Jimin’s giving directions and Jeongguk is mentally taking notes. He’s nodding.
“And don’t mumble, he hates when people don’t speak clearly. He has a bit of Busan satoori still, but he is not going to want us to speak that way to him. Are you getting this?!” They’re picking up the pace as they approach the restaurant and Jeongguk is one step behind Jimin leaning in the whole way.
“Jesus, Jimin, it’s your father, not the president.” Jeongguk is nervous, so he’s snarky.
**
“And you’re a musician?” Jimin’s father is grilling Jeongguk, but the burn is veiled and Jeongguk is stumbling.
“Yes, well, trying to be I guess. It’s definitely hard out there right now. But yeah, I’m giving it a go.” Jeongguk is fidgeting.
“That must be….rewarding for you Jeongguk.”
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.” Jeongguk smiles, a genuine smile. Because that is so true it comes naturally.
“So what are your plans for when Jimin leaves for Paris? You know it’s about 3 months away, and he’s going to really need to focus on preparing for that.” Jimin’s father is lecturing, Jimin knows it, but Jeongguk either doesn’t notice, or isn’t prepared.
“Yeah, I know. I’m really proud of him. And I don’t know. I was thinking about maybe going there, I mean there is a music scene there too. I don’t really know. I guess i was thinking about that lately, and we’ve talked about it, you know, Paris... “
The waitress interrupts to take their order.
Jimin is frozen on the spot. Jeongguk and Jimin had most definitely not spoken about Paris, in fact they had done everything they could these last 9 months to avoid the looming topic. Since when did Jeongguk want, expect, or think he could go with Jimin? And why?
“Ma’am can you point me in the direction of the bathroom?” Jeongguk asks the waitress as she is stepping away.
“Oh sure it’s right down here”
And Jimin thinks this is the worst moment to be left alone with his father. And that expression.
“Jimin…”
“I swear dad, I do not know where that came from.” Jimin is pleading.
“Jimin, he thinks he’s going to Paris with you! This is not… this is not a good idea Jiminie. You have to focus on your dancing, and he needs to focus on his music. If he goes with you, you’ll only be holding him back. He needs to be told that, you need to tell him. Your focus should be your career, and so should his.”
Jimin’s eyes are trained on the table when Jeongguk returns.
**
The drive from Jeongguk’s apartment to his family home in Busan is nearly 4 hours. Truthfully Jimin didn’t even know Jeongguk could drive, much less that he had an old car parked in his apartment’s underground garage for as long as they’d known each other.
“I’m so excited for you to finally meet them hyung, you have no idea” Jeongguk is radiating. Jimin can actually feel the happiness coming off of him as he speaks.
Jimin fakes a smile. It’s getting hard.
Jimin has taken to long to say anything, so Jeongguk asks.
“Are you nervous or something? You’re awfully quiet.” Jeongguk steals a glance. Trying to maintain his focus on the road.
“A little, I think it’ll just be weird to sleep in your childhood bed with your parents down the hall.” Jimin focuses his eyes on his hands in his lap.
“No funny business this weekend.” Jeongguk winks at Jimin. Sending Jimin to a mini fit of giggles.
Jimin reaches over and runs his hand through Jeongguk’s soft, dark, bouncy hair- and Jeongguk leans into it, smiling at Jimin.
This is getting hard.
**
Jeongguk’s parents are so welcoming, and warm that Jimin is left a little dizzy meeting them. They greet Jimin with a hug, and ask him to please call them Eomma and Appa instead of more formally. He smiles, and nods, but he’s finding it somewhat uncomfortable, and he can’t understand why.
Jimin looks down at the table of dishes Jeongguk’s mother has prepared. They are all his favorites. Jeongguk must have told her what he liked. Had his mind been in a different place he likely would smile at the sweetness of it all, but he’s finding that difficult as well.
For some reason staring down at the Kimchi Jjigae and Pa Jeon in front of him suffocate him.
“You know this year is our 30th wedding anniversary” Jeongguk’s father is knocking back a soju like he and Jimin are old friends.
“I still love her as much as I did the day I met her, the day we got married, the day we had Jihyung, Jeongguk’s brother, the day we had him too.” He finishes with a little chuckle to himself. His fathers’ eyes wander over to Jeongguk’s mother who is blushing while eating.
“Oh stop” she swats.
The interaction is so sincere, Jimin is feeling a little sick. He chances a look at Jeongguk. His eyes drip with affection for his parents. He knows Jeongguk undoubtedly wants what they have, Jimin just doesn’t think he is the one who can give it to him. He’s leaving in 2 months.
**
Jimin has never been particularly good at washing dishes, so he opts to take on the drying duties as Mrs. Jeon cleans them.
“You know Jimin, can I ask a favor of you?”
Jimin is nodding yes. But his inner turmoil has alarm bells going off.
“Jeongguk, he is a really sensitive person. He really loves you. I know it’s not my place, but I am just… I want to protect him you know? He’s my baby. “
Jimin is nodding. And swallowing.
“Just please, remember that he’s a sensitive soul, and he really loves you. I just want him to be happy” And then she is smiling at Jimin. As if Jimin is not about to break Jeongguk’s heart.
**
Jeongguk’s bedroom is exactly as Jimin expected it to be. Walls covered with anime and video game posters, a few pictures with friends, and a full size bed taking up the majority of the small bedroom.
Jeongguk is already snuggled in under the covers and Jimin is finding it hard to rest his body, let alone his mind.
“Baby, come lay down, this room is not that interesting.” Jeongguk is holding up the covers beckoning him in. And he gives in, because he doesn’t know what else to do.
They lay facing each other and Jeongguk’s hand is positioned on Jimin’s cheek-softly moving his thumb across the apple. Jimin wants to cry, but the tears won’t come.
“My parents really like you, I’m really glad we did this. I know it’s awkward but thank you for coming home with me baby. I feel really whole right now.” Jeongguk is looking right into his eyes.
“I love you Jimin”
A kiss.
“I love you too”
A kiss.
They’re quiet. Jimin tucks his head into Jeongguk’s chest. He can feel Jeongguk smiling from the way his chin feels wide on the top of his head.
He pulls away. Pulls back to see Jeongguk clearly.
“Why did you tell my father you were going to move to Paris with me?” Jimin is trying not to sound alarmed, but he thinks it comes out alarmed.
He can see Jeongguk pull away slightly to create a little more distance, his brow creased and uncreased before answering.
“Uhh yeah, I guess I don’t know.” He’s fumbling
“I was just thinking, I could go there, you know, with you and we could do this together. “ Jimin hears a persistent alarm begin to sound off. It reverberates through his body.
“Jeongguk it’s not that easy to just go there, it takes like years, and if you don’t have a sponsor for a visa, who knows, I mean it’s just a few months away, I don’t know if that’s even possible. I had my visa lined up by the dance company. I just…I don’t know why you would say that”
He’s exasperated. The word vomit.
“Hey, hey, baby, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out. We will” Jeongguk is rubbing little circles on his back now.
“We’ll make it work Jimin, I will.” Jimin thinks Jeongguk really believes that.
Jimin lays his head back down on to Jeongguks chest.
“Okay” It’s all Jimin can manage.
Present
His hyungs house was decorated for Christmas by the middle of the first week of December. It seemed, to Jimin, they had spared no expense in the decorations. A big tree they drove out of Seoul to find, flashy lights, an electric fireplace going, it seemed like they were living in American Christmas Movie. Jimin didn’t have the energy to care much about Christmas at the moment, so when he escaped to their apartment below his it was almost like he was escaping his reality and focusing on theirs.
It was nice.
He hadn’t told anyone about the kiss, but it hadn’t left his mind since it happened. He couldn’t figure out why.
“I’m glad you’re here Jimin-ah, I have two things to ask you.” Seokjin hummed from the kitchen while Jimin cuddled the cat on the bench of the black grand piano.
He poked his head from the kitchen doorway when Jimin failed to respond.
“Yah, I am talking to you! And get that cat off my baby.” Seokjin said as he disappeared back behind the kitchen wall.
“yes, hyung” Jimin patted the little black cat as he dropped it to the hardwood floors.
“Listen, Namjoon and I are going to be out of town for a little while. We’re going to visit my sister in the Jeolla province for Christmas and spend some time staying down there. Can you keep an eye on the cat while we’re gone, just feed her and clean up after her once in a while? It won’t be too long just 2 weeks or so?”
Jimin smiles. He surprised at how happy it makes him to have been living here a short time, but have his hyungs trust him with their pet while they are gone. Secondly, he remembers, he loves cats.
“Of course I will hyung, anything else you need me to do around the place while you’re gone?”
“Ahh Jiminie, always so sweet. I mean if you could sort the trash and take it to the curb, sweep the lobby and steps, water the plants, sort the mail and sign for any packages while we’re away that would be great.”
Jimin tries to look offended by the request but only winds up laughing at the sudden list of duties.
“Oh what was the other thing you wanted to talk about?” Jimin reminds him.
“Right” And suddenly Jimin can feel the mood change.
“Ah well, when I come back I’m going to need some help with the ground apartment if you’re free. Jeongguk is not renewing his lease. He’s… moving out.” Seokjin pauses. Jimin can tell he’s gauging his response, so Jimin is determined to not have one.
“I figured you could help me spruce it up a little, paint, or whatever, if you wanted to.” Seokjin is smiling at him.
1 week Later
His hyungs had been gone all of two days and already Jimin was finding himself spending all of his free time around the building hoping to catch a glimpse of Jeongguk. It had been a few weeks since the kiss, and it was obvious Jeongguk was doing his best to avoid Jimin.
If Jimin was coming down the stairs and Jeongguk was just about to step in the lobby to knock on Seokjin’s door, he’d abruptly turn around and leave. If he was standing at his mailbox sorting through the junk, and Jimin was coming down the stairs he’d jump to the front door as quickly as he could manage.
It wasn’t that Jimin couldn’t understand why. He perfectly understood that being rejected, like that, after he kissed him so sweetly. It was hard for Jimin too.
Which is exactly why Jimin wanted just to see him, to make sure he was okay. After all Jimin wanted to be friends with him, and he very much cared about how Jeongguk was feeling.
So that’s why he’s out here, directly in front of those iron bars of Jeongguk’s windows, shoveling the less than 1 inch of snow, and pretending not to stare into his windows waiting for him to appear from one of the rooms.
He’s totally not creeping.
Definitely not.
As luck would have, Jimin has none. No luck.
Just as Jeongguk appeared from what Jimin assumes is the bedroom, their eyes meet through Jeongguk’s window and Jimin slips on a particularly small piece of ice, falling on his ass, shovel tumbling on top.
“Fuck” is all he can manage to mumble.
Jimin isn’t sure how much time goes by, but his vision is a little hazy from his head hitting the concrete, and Jeongguk is standing over him just looking down at him with this expression.
Jimin’s not sure what the expression is, but he thinks it’s probably second hand embarrassment or contemplation of charges for his peeping.
In a second he’s on his feet and Jeongguk has helped him up. The space between his eyebrow and hair line on the left side of his face hurts, it stings, and he feels something warm and sticky.
He’s bleeding.
“I’ll get us a Taxi”
Jimin nods in agreement.
**
Jimin doesn’t remember if Jeongguk knows he hates hospitals. More specifically the way the lights are somehow bright and yet every corner of the hospital seems dark, and the smell, the smell that is raunchy, yet somehow is supposedly the smell of disinfectant. He can’t stand it. He hates hospitals.
It’s late, Jimin thinks. As they sit in the small exam room, him in a chair seemingly for patients requiring stitches, Jeongguk just looks at him from his seat in the corner from time to time. But no one is talking.
He doesn’t know what it means that Jeongguk is just sitting here with him. He doesn’t know if it means anything at all, other than Jeongguk is genuinely a nice person, who wanted to make sure he didn’t die from sleeping after he was concussed.
“Hello gentleman, I’m Doctor Kwon, I’m going to take a look at you if that’s okay.” He sits in the stool positioned directly across from Jimin.
The small mobile exam table is filled with all sorts of instruments, a blue cloth covering most of them, and sheets of white gauze and disinfectant.
Jimin is trying to focus his attention on the table, but the sting on his head is persistent and now his ankle is starting to hurt.
“I think I broke my ankle” he mumbles. He absolutely did not hurt his ankle at all.
The doctor and Jeongguk mirror each other in their head movements. Focusing in on Jimin’s ankle and Jimin is relieved when the doctor is no longer putting pressure on his head and cleaning the wound.
“Okay, lets do this, I’m going to sew this up, it’s just a little too deep to let heal on it’s own, after that I’ll send you and your friend up to x-ray first, and then we’ll do a CT scan to make sure there’s no issues in here.” The doctor motions to Jimin’s head.
“Stitches?” Jimin closes his eyes tight and opens them hard. It makes him see little sparkles in his vision. He thinks he might be crying but he can’t tell.
“There’s no way this can heal without them. It’s just a little too deep. Relax, I’m going to inject you with a local anesthetic to help with the pain before I start anything.” The doctor is wheeling his stool back against the counter, and Jimin is panicking.
“I’m just…” he clenches his fist. Eye lids darting closed and back open again like he unlearned to blink.
And then Jeongguk is moving. Positioning his seat next to Jimin, instead of in the corner of the room, and then he’s holding his hand while Jimin squeezes away.
**
It’s nearly 2 in the morning by the time they make it back to the building. Jimin is positioned seated in his bed, three pillows have been piled at the edge and his injured leg elevated. His head is stitched, and bandaged.
Jeongguk drops the pharmacy bag on the bedside table and places a glass of water beside it and lowers the light in the room.
“Is there anything else you need before I go” Jeongguk sits at the edge of Jimin’s bed.
Jimin laughs a little nervously.
“No.“
The word vomit is bubbling up.
“Look you really didn’t have to do that for me tonight. I’m really sorry. I know it’s late and you probably have a session tomorrow or something. I’ve taken up your whole night. I’m really sorry.” He’s fumbling with his hands while he spews.
“I’m glad you were there though, so thank you. Even though you didn’t have to. Thanks.”
Jeongguk ducks to try and meet Jimin’s gaze.
“Jimin I wasn’t just going to leave you bleeding from the head on the sidewalk. Jesus.” He huffs, but Jimin can tell he’s not really angry.
Jeongguk smiles.
Jimin smiles.
“Well I’m guess I’m gonna go- feel better Jimin.”
If only Jeongguk knew how bad he truly felt, and how absolutely none of it was related to the fall.
**
The days leading up to Jeongguk moving out went by in a bit of a blur for Jimin. He rarely met Taehyung, or his hyungs downstairs. Instead focusing on work, and dancing until the week of and after Christmas when his students were on break. During the break his only focus was the studio, the choreo, pushing himself to work harder in the last week or so than he had altogether the last few months.
He had been trying adamantly to convince himself that working would help him forget, help him move on. It didn’t prove to be true, and now Jimin was forced to really confront his feelings.
He faced the mirrors and slid his back up against the wall of the studio. The music softly bumping, just loud enough to dance too, but not loud enough for anyone else to hear, not loud enough to drown out Jimin’s thoughts. Unfortunately.
**
“Are you going to eat or are you just going to cut your food into even smaller pieces and push them around? Seokjin scolded.
Jimin met his gaze, and Namjoon and Seokjin both sent him a sympathetic gaze. He wasn’t really sure how, since he had hardly spoken about Jeongguk to anyone recently, but some how he thinks they know.
Seokjin reaches across the table to take Jimin’s free hand into his. Running his thumb across Jimin’s knuckles.
“What is it Jimin-ah?”
“I think I fucked up”
Seokjin and Namjoon shift in their seats. But Jimin doesn’t continue.
“Jimin what’s wrong?”
That Jimin can easily answer.
“I don’t know what I’m doing” he says.
Namjoon and Seokjin exchange glances.
“What do you want to be doing Jimin?” Namjoon asks softly.
“I don’t know” Is all Jimin can muster. His eyes are bleary.
“Yes you do Jimin.” Seokjin intervenes. “You’re thinking too much. Do you want to be dancing? Do you want to be doing that?”
“Yeah.. but.. what if I’m not any good at it. The things I want to do. What if I’m not any good?” Jimin whispers.
“I know. But you can’t not go after what you want because you’re scared of not getting it. And listen, things might not work out. You might not succeed, you might get rejected. It might work out, it might not but they are things worth knowing. “
“I know, I know you’re trying to protect yourself. But you’re doing it to a fault. I don’t want you to regret not trying. Be brave.”
1 week later
The street Jeongguk lived on now seemed like a much older part of Seoul. The buildings had more brick, and there weren’t any very tall buildings or lots of shops. It was very residential. Somewhere people probably go to settle down.
It didn’t seem remarkable in any way.
Jeongguk’s apartment was on the second floor, and despite feeling confident in what he was going to say. It was like moving two ten-thousand-pound stones up the flight of stairs to his front door.
Deep breath.
Knock once. Knock twice.
Jimin can’t pull has gaze from his own feet.
The door opens.
“What the actual fuck”
“JEONGGUK” Hoseok screams.
**
Jimin isn’t even sure he knew that he could move that quickly without actually running. He just knows he needs to get out. He needs to go far, far away from Jeongguk and just let him be. The tears, they’re stinging the edges of his eyes, threatening to evacuate the spaces they’ve been holed up for longer then he’s willing to admit.
“JIMIN” his name is ringing in his ears.
Frozen. Unable to move. He stands still in his spot in front of Jeongguk’s new building, unable to turn himself around, even as he hears Jeongguk jog up to him.
The vomit. It’s tainting the back of his throat already, prying it’s way out.
“Hi.”
He smiles.
Jeongguk, doesn’t smile.
“I got your new address from Seokjin and Namjoon hyung. I hope you don’t mind”
Jeongguk is searching his face.
“It’s okay, it’s fine. Its… alright” Jeongguk says, almost too politely.
“Are you and Hoseok, you’re back together?” it comes out like a question, a hopeful question, even though Jimin is well aware of the answer.
“We’re figuring it out”
The vomit. He can’t stop it.
“Jeongguk. Uh okay. Yep. Except I’m pretty sure.. Look.”
“I know it is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but I made a mistake. I made a bunch of mistakes. And I don’t know if anything I can say can fix them, or if you even care at this point. But, I love you. I’m in love with you. I don’t even think I ever stopped being in love with you.”
Deep breath.
“Before, when I broke up with you, I was scared. I was scared that if I didn’t end it when I did, the longer it went on, I thought it would only hurt us worse. But it fucking hurts. It hurts so much, and I was so wrong. And then I moved back and I saw you, and I just didn’t know what to do. So umm, I told myself I just wanted to be your friend, or that I was just lonely. But that’s not it, because I thinking about you all the time. And I don’t know umm if we got back together if we would grow old together, or if we would just break up again and it would just be..horrible and sad. But umm, Because, I love you- I’m in love with you Jeongguk. And I don’t know what to do with that now.
The tears. They’re threatening to fall. Jimin shuts his eyes, as tight as he can.
“Jimin… This is.. this is so unfair. I don’t.. I’m okay now, I’m you know, it took me a while, I just can’t go there again. I’m sorry.” That all Jimin hears in his head on repeat.
3 years ago
Jimin was used to opening the door to Jeongguk’s apartment without knocking when he knew Jeongguk was expecting him. He didn’t have a key, but since Jeongguk still had two roommates, Jimin didn’t really mind. He knew that Jeongguk usually left the door open for him when he was coming over.
So that’s why Jimin was confused with himself. He’d been standing outside Jeongguk’s door going on 5 minutes. And every time his brain told him to just walk in, he wanted to knock first. To somehow make it more formal.
He knocked.
“It’s me” he said shouting to Jeongguk before he could ask who it was.
“Come in!” Jeongguk’s welcoming sing song did nothing to lift his mood.
Jimin quickly removed his coat, while Jeongguk sputtered around in the kitchen.
“Hey baby.” He smiled at Jimin. That genuinely happy smile. Jimin was cracking.
“Hey” it was soft. And to be honest he wasn’t even sure it was audible.
Jimin felt uneasy, he was dawdling around the apartment picking up this or that. Trying to avoid the inevitable conversation.
“I’m almost done here.” Jeongguk looked up from the pot he’d been stirring since Jimin walked in.
“Are you okay baby?”
“Can we sit down Jeongguk?”
“Uhh yeah, sure, is everything okay?” Jeongguk had a particular face he made when he was concerned. It was a tell. As far as Jimin was concerned at least. Jimin always knew he was concerned when his brow creased and uncreased, like he was willing his face not give his emotions away. It didn’t work.
The moment Jeongguk reaches for Jimin, Jimin jumps out of his skin.
“Jimin what happened?”
“Jeongguk. I’m breaking up with you.” Jimin stares ahead.
Jeongguk turns his entire body to face Jimin.
“What?”
“You’re breaking up with me?” Jeongguk is suspiciously calm. Denial.
“Yes.” Jimin is nervous. He’s fidgeting in his seat uncontrollably. As long as he doesn’t make any eye contact he thinks he can get through it.
“You’re… breaking up with me?” Jeongguk has moved from calm to confused.
“Look. I’m leaving Jeongguk. I’m moving to Paris, Paris Jeongguk.”
“I know!- I know.” We’re at the anger stage.
“But we’ve talked about this. We’re going to work it out. I’ll fly there when I can. You’ll fly back when you can.” He’s bargaining.
“No, no we haven’t talked about it. We haven’t talked about it at all Jeongguk. “
“And like you know, it’s just a couple years. We can make it work. We can. “ Jimin doesn’t think he’s hearing him anymore.
“Jeongguk a couple years is a long time.” He sighs.
“Jimin it’s not a long time.”
“Jeongguk” Jimin sighs,
“People do this all the time.” Jeongguk is reaching for Jimin’s hand but Jimin refuses to relinquish it.
“I love you Jimin.”
He squares Jimin’s head so they’re facing each other. He keeps Jimin’s head in his hands. “Please, tell me what’s going on? Jimin. Please. You don’t have to do this”
Jimin finds it impossible to speak. He’s letting the tears flow freely, despite the conviction. This will probably be the last time I get to look into these eyes. The last time I get to feel his skin on my skin. Jimin wills himself to speak.
“You’re just so sure of me, Jeongguk and it’s a lot of pressure.”
“I don’t want you to.. I’m not… I’m not trying to pressure you. I just wanna be with you Jimin.” He’s looking right in Jimin’s eyes, his hands patting at Jimin’s hair, and wiping stray tears.
Why is he comforting me, when I’m the one breaking up with him.
Jimin is asking himself. But his consciousness never answers.
Jeongguk kisses his cheek. “We can totally figure this out.”
Jimin holds back a sob.
“Umm..” deep breath. “I just feel like I need to focus on myself, on my dancing. “ I’m scared. I want you to focus on you, I can’t hold you back.
“And I just don’t wanna hold you back from anything. I just can’t watch you get trapped in something” I know I’m going to hurt you anyway, it’s easier if we do this now.
“I don’t know what you mean by that Jimin”
“I just don’t want to ruin our friendship” Jimin pulls away.
“That’s… that’s what you want? You wanna be friends?” Jeongguk’s voice is so small. Jimin knows, he knows this is breaking him. So he needs to cut it off, clean.
“I’m breaking up with you, okay. We’re breaking up.”
Present – 2 weeks later
“I got you a hot chocolate” Taehyung teases the cup over Jimin’s head just out of reach.
“Thanks babe” Jimin giggles as he finishes locking the studio door for the night, ready to link arms with his best friend and walk to his building together.
Taehyung has been so good to him these past few weeks while he nursed his heart.
Yoongi probably wasn’t happy with him but Jimin appreciated that his friends had made time for him, to sit with him while he cried, or stared blankly. He was happier just a little when they met him at his studio after a long day, or when they showed up with coffee or hot chocolate to walk him home.
It was getting easier.
“I heard about this new workout I am going to start taking classes next week. It’s supposed to make your butt look like you got a lift or something. I don’t know the science behind it but Yoongi and I are going to try it out. You should come.”
“And be your third wheel. I’ll pass, thanks Tae.”
“You’re not a third wheel Jimin…” but the sentence stop short and Jimin is searching his face, but Taehyung is looking ahead.
“Uhh Jimin, Jeongguk is here.”
Jimin freezes.
Jeongguk stands from where he was sitting on the steps up to Jimin’s apartment, and waits at the bottom step for Jimin. He’s swatting a stack of papers against his thigh.
“Yeah..I’m gonna go…go talk to him” Taehyung grabs his arm affectionately. “And don’t be weird”
All Jimin can muster is a nod.
And he’s walking toward his building. The building where Jeongguk used to live, but now he doesn’t. And all Jimin can think of is all the reason not to say hello, and all of the reasons Jeongguk is not here for him, and never would be.
“Hey”
“Hey… what’re you doing here?” his words come out slow and awkward, and he’s kicking himself for how it sounds.
“Oh the hyungs had some mail for me.I just…”
Jimin nods.
“You know parking tickets, I just, I have a bunch and I just. I don’t even know.” Jeongguk is doing the thing. He’s creasing and uncreasing.
And it makes Jimin laugh a little.
“What are you actually doing here right now?” Jimin asks
“I actually, ahh.”
“I have to pick up my dry cleaning. Do you.. do you wanna come?”
Jeongguk smiles.
Jimin smiles.