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I have loved you since we were 18.
When I say 18, I meant to say, I've loved you in such a long time.
I have loved you since that time you dressed as supermario in an acquaintance party wherein students are supposedly wearing suits and classy attires. That time you went crazy as you go scream around the campus as if you never let other people take everything in you, especially your true self; a fun and troublemaker guy from the admin building.
I asked, “Why did you do that?”
“We only live once,” you whispered as you takes off that mario hat, and smiles.
“I gotta make the best out of it.”
I have loved you since that time you made fake snowflakes and let it snow as you run back and forth at the school building's rooftop before even the first snow drops, that night ended with you getting all-smiley looking at me with proud posture—as the school dean pull you inside his office; you gave me a thumbs up.
“Why did you do that?” Confused, I asked you.
But what you said while eating the burger I bought you will forever circulate in my mind like a pendulum or arrows inside the compass you always bring wherever you are.
“You said you wanted to see the first snow,” you shrugs. “I did it for you, because we'll never know if we'll able to see it by any chance you know.”
“I don't want you to miss out a lot in life, because regrets will always come along the memories we had in the past.”
“We never know what tomorrows will offer,” you smiled, widely. “So I offer you the certainties of tomorrow. Cool, right?”
I have loved you since that time you stood up for a student being bullied inside the classroom, eyes blazing in determination, you slurs;
“He doesn't need to please you or gain validation from you, stupid.” You fired, glaring at the student twice your height. “Don't you ever touch him or I'll break your neck without hesitation. Try me.”
After the heroic scene, I saw you at the football field, shaking as you breathe heavily.
Once again, I asked. “Why did you do that?”
“I was scared! Really! But it's not right, so I think putting on a strong facade to stand up for what is right will also work,” laughing as you scratches your head, eyes smiling. “I hope they'll stop after that, I don't know if could still shout like that without trembling. He’s almost 6 feet tall!”
You can get scared with anything, but your stands for what is right, always.
I have loved you since you that time you went straight to my house, knocking on my door with flowers on hand, bruises all over your body, and still smiling awkwardly just to say that you got into a fight with one of the suitor of the girl you've been having a crush on. You brought flowers for her, and followed her until he arrives to her house only to mistaken you as a creepy stalker.
I asked you the same question. “Why did you do that?”
While tending your bruises, I looked at you confusedly when you laughed. “Why?”
“I saw some of the guys from other school keeping their eyes on her, I just made sure she'll get home safely. Then boom, Jake threw a punch on me, I'm too handsome to even decide to be a stalker, ew.”
“Why don't you just ask her out and tell her your feelings?” Asking as if the answer won't hurt me, I fixed my posture and was shocked when you leaned closer.
“It's not that I can't, it's just that, I know I shouldn't,” almost whispering, you says. “I can't afford seeing you all alone once I date anyone. You know I can't leave you.”
Before, I thought it was just out of pity when you said that. “Don't pity me, date anyone you want.”
“And what if that includes you?”
It stunned me, like a testing bombs were dropped simultaneously in one go as you flashed your biggest smile, you spoke.
“What if I want you?”
I have loved you since that time you gave me your compass after the highschool graduation day, telling me things you know I cannot ever handle hearing.
“Here, have this.” You reached for my hand, opens it and put the compass you've been wearing from our first year.
“So you can still find your way to me.”
I didn't put an effort to encode or decipher any meaning within that message. I've seen it in my perspective as your daily cheesy lines but a little emotional for our graduation. Or even think about how those lines will forever haunt me like the ghosts inside the white house: laperal 14 wherein ghosts considered the animosities as their friend as they bring fear—like what happened to me.
When I say I have loved you since we were 18, I meant to say that,
I have loved you until the end.
That day we spent the whole summer solstice strolling around 6 pm with sun still up, hand in hand as we grew fond of the sun that lasts for more hours than any other days. I asked, “It really did last until 6 pm. Summer solstices are the best.”
“It's the time of the year when people makes the best out of their day on the longest day of the year,” you pursed your lips and says, “I wonder if I've ever made you feel like we had a long day, and still be happy.”
Oh please , you don't know anything.
How you made me feel that I do have the best person beside me, kind-hearted, happy, jolly flawed man, and the embodiment of all the good words inside the encyclopedias or literatures.
You won't know anything.
I have loved you since the seconds you said;
“We can always have a last time with anyone,” away from the sun setting, your eyes shifted on mine. “The thing is, I don't want any time to be my last time with you.”
By any chance, did you lie when you said you don't want to have a last time with me?
By any chance, did you forgot?
That strong facades are only for those who speaks the truth, and right things to put on.
Then why did you put on a tough facade, and lie to my face that you don't want to have any last time with me?
Because if you don't, why are am I here?
“In loving memory of... Dan.” Reading the letters carved on the shady gravestone.
That day of summer solstice, I realized from that day forth, even on the longest day of the year, I couldn't have you beside me all day.
I reached for the compass hanging on my neck, and whispers my forever question,
“Why did you do that?”
Bad thing, the compass won't even lead me back to you, and find my way to you.
You said I can find my way to you with that compass.
Liar.
A beautifully-sculpted masterpiece of heaven, and a liar .
Yes, I have loved you since we were 18: until the end.