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Margareth woke up with a jump to the sound of thunder outside her window, flashing her bedroom in white light for a split second, her heart hammering in her chest.
After a moment, she sighed in relief. ‘ It was just a nightmare. ’ She thought to herself, placing a hand above her heart and feeling it calming down. She sat on her bed, running her hand through her own hair. This was the third time she had woken up just this night.
Giving up on attempting to sleep alone again, she got up and knocked on Catherine’s door, hearing a sleepy “Come in.” from the other side.
“Marge?” The blonde squinted at her in the faint light, half asleep.
“Can I sleep here?” Marge asked through the storm.
“Yeah, come here.” Cath scooped to the side on her double bed, and Marge got under the covers.
“Is it the lightning or the nightmares?” Her sister asked, concerned.
“Both.”
“Aw.” She covered Marge up. “It’s ok, you won’t have nightmares anymore.” She smiled, tired blue-green eyes blinking fondly at her.
“How do you manage to sleep with all this noise outside?”
Catherine hummed a chuckle. “I like it. It actually helps me sleep.”
Margareth found it intriguing how well her older sister was able to sleep, but still had eyebags all the time.
Catherine, besides Annelise, was the brightest person she knew, always happy, always cheerful, always energetic. She wondered if that was a blonde thing, or maybe, they just had that in common. But Annelise never looked tired like Cath did.
“Cath?” Marge looked at her, buried under the sheets.
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you something?”
Her sister nodded, yawning.
“Are you ok?”
Catherine frowned. “Yeah, why?”
“I heard… Why did mom scream at you earlier?”
Catherine’s expression suddenly changed, wide-eyed a mixture of surprise and pity. “Oh Marge, you saw that?”
Margareth nodded, worried. “Sorry for eavesdropping...”
Catherine sighed, holding her hand. “It wasn’t anything important-”
“Cath, please, I’m not a kid anymore. I know mom gets mad at you when she drinks. But why do you let her-”
“Margareth.” She cut her off with a serious tone. Then, her expression softened as she sighed. “Sorry. I know you’re not a kid but you’re not old enough to understand.” She smiled weakly, her young face contrasted with how wise she really was.
“I worry about you a lot.” Marge could feel tears filling her eyes already. "I know this was not the first time…"
“Oh, dear.” Cath scooped her on her arms, hearing the girl quietly sob under her chin, her own vision getting blurry with tears. “It’s fine. I’m ok. I’m here!” She squeezed her, parting the hug and grinning, brushing away her sister’s tears with the covers, only to hug her again.
After calming down, Margareth emerged from her arms, sniffing.
“Why don’t you tell dad?” She looked up, eyes red and puffy.
Catherine breathed out, drying her own tears. “I will.” She said, only to calm Margareth down. “Don’t worry about it, ok?”
She nodded, leaning in and closing her eyes as Cath hummed along a melody she had heard before, but didn’t know the name of.
~~
Margareth heard a knock on her door, half asleep. “Hmm?” She rolled around, turning on the lampshade, squinting at the sudden brightness. Alex peeped her head in before entering, hand on hand with little Mary, rubbing her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, sitting up.
“Mary keeps having nightmares… And I can’t sleep.”
Margareth took a glance at her phone to see the time. Four and a quarter in the morning. “Come here then." She lifted the covers and patted her bed with a sleepy smile, and Mary climbed on the bed, sandwiched between Marge and Alex behind her.
“You had a bad dream?” Marge layed on her side, looking at her little sister, who looked almost like a miniature copy of her, nodding at without saying a word.
“Well, everyone dreams and sometimes the dreams are scary, upsetting, and can seem very real, and it’s ok to feel scared. But we need to remember that they’re not real.” She reassured her, fixing the blankets around her and getting her cozy. “Now, you’re gonna close those little tired eyes.” She placed her index on her forehead, sliding it across her button nose as she closed her eyes. “And you’re gonna lay on a little white cloud. And that little cloud is very fluffy and very cozy and very warm, and you’re so sleepy …” She yawned, chuckling when both sisters yawned back. “And little by little you’re gonna fall asleep…” She said, lowering her tone and brushing a few tiny curls away from her forehead. And as she drifted to sleep, Marge hummed along to la campanella, which was what she had been practicing on the piano.
After a few minutes, Alex turned the lampshade off, both carefully silent until Mary was peacefully asleep between them, chest slowly rising with every breath.
“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Marge whispered.
“Too many thoughts in my head.” Alex laid on her side, resting her cheek on her hand.
"Wanna talk about it?" Marge mimicked her position, laying on her hand.
Alex sighed, breaking eye contact. "I've been… confused lately. It's hard to find the right words."
"Confused?" Margareth frowned.
"Remember that weekend when we talked about your girlfriend and you asked me if I liked girls? And I said I didn’t know?" Marge nodded, feeling her sister's restless leg under the covers. "I haven't been able to get that out of my head."
Marge listened carefully, without saying a word.
"I feel like everything is so blurry . When I finally feel like I've figured it out, it all just… becomes confusing again." She looked down, frustrated from not being able to verbalize accurately how she was feeling inside.
"Oh, Alex…" Marge's tone had a hint of pity, half because she knew exactly what she was going through.
“You told me you’ve always known, but why is it so hard for me to think it out?” She looked back at her, blue eyes frowning with frustration.
“Knowing and accepting are very different things.” Marge gave her a corner of a smile. “It’s no simple task to… embrace who you are and break all the misconceptions in your head. It hurts sometimes, and you’ll wish you were different, because life would be easier if you were.” She sighed. “But I just want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you if you one day realize you’re not straight, or cis, or whatever , no matter what people may tell you. And I’m here for you, I’ll always be, whatever you decide to label yourself as.” She smiled fondly, squeezing her hand, immensely glad to be able to be a safe space for her sister, because she wished she had had one when she was the one questioning her sexuality.
“Besides, you’re very young.” She continued. “I know it’s frustrating, but I know you will figure yourself out with time. There’s no rush, ok?”
Alex grinned and blushed, squeezing her hand back. “Ok.”
They stayed in comfortable silence for a few seconds, the sound of a distant dog barking and Mary’s soft breathing the only sound they could hear.
“Marge?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you gonna marry Hatysa one day?”
Marge chuckled, surprised by the sudden question. “Well, we’ve been dating for only almost a year now!” She grinned, looking at the ceiling. “I think it’s too early to tell, I’d rather graduate first, have my own independence and stuff.”
“What about mom and dad? What do you think they’d say?
“I don’t really care about what they’d say, or do, anymore.” Marge turned back at her, saying with a little hesitation. “They won’t stop me from being happy, whether it is with Hatysa or someone else.”
"I like Hatysa. She's sweet and… she gives me presents." She chuckled, making Margareth quietly laugh with her. "I hope you keep her."
Margareth smiled cheekly, blushing at the thought of marrying her girlfriend. "I intend on keeping her, yes."
Alex smiled for a second, and then her expression turned.
“What is it?” Marge asked, concerned.
"Did… dad tell you to leave? Because of her?"
Margareth looked down, recalling that dreadful weekend from months ago. "He didn't. But ever since… I’ve felt unwanted.” She gulped the growing knot on her throat.
“Are you gonna move out?” Alexandra asked, worried blue eyes staring at her in the dark.
Margareth sighed. “I’ve thought about it. A lot. And I could if I wanted to, I could work things out, sell my car if I needed, get a job as a piano teacher, work with kids, do something . But…” She shifted, laying on her side. “I can’t leave my sisters behind. Not yet.” She smiled, tucking a strand of sleek black hair behind Alexandra’s ear, and the girl gave her a weak smile.
“I’m worried if I leave…” She lowered her voice, her tone was serious. “I’m scared of what could happen.” She looked down, flashes of Catherine getting yelled at by her drunken mother invaded her mind, she shook them away.
She didn’t blame Catherine for leaving. God knows she’s happier now, married and with a child on the way. If anything, she was glad she left, she was glad she left her abusive mother. She was better off away and safe from her.
It took a few years of growing up for Margareth to realize how much her older sister protected them from their own parents. All with a smile on her face, never letting them take away the best of her, even when she got bruises on her arms. Because she was their big sister, and that’s what big sisters do. Margareth would never be able to thank or express how much she admired Catherine.
She missed her, and a lot. Missed having a role model, someone to run to, missed her shelter, her safe space. Missed her bed when she had nightmares, her advice, her wisdom. But she had to be strong, for the two little girls in front of her. She had to be the role model now. She had to be the big sister.
“I didn’t tell you, but I think you’re very brave. For standing up against mom like you did that day.” Alex’s words brought Margareth back from her thoughts.
“So much for a slap in the face.” Marge gave her a corner smile, and Alex chuckled softly. “But thanks.” She smiled fondly. “That’s something we have to be from now on, brave, rebellious. We can’t take this ab-” She stopped herself from saying abuse. “This mistreatment with our heads down. Didn’t work with Cath and it won't work with us.”
Alexandra nodded, listening.
“Our mom, she's… complicated. I noticed that when Catherine got married.” She paused, sighing. “But don’t worry, I won’t leave. I promise.”
Alex smiled at her words, yawning.
“Let’s try to get some sleep, ok?” She rubbed her thumb on her fingers before pulling the covers above her sister’s shoulder, and the girl nodded.
Margareth closed her eyes, thinking about their conversation and feeling her medication take her right back to sleep. And just before succumbing into slumber again, she cuddled Mary’s side, feeling Alex’s hand on her arm.
The three of them might not have the best supporting parents, or the perfect home, and some things money just can’t buy. But they had each other's back for support, and each other’s shoulders to cry on. They had the same blood, and they had their sisters. And nothing, nothing would take that away from them.