Work Text:
~~~
~~~
Cougar clicks when the profile comes across the dash, simply because it's a guy looking for another guy. Ninety percent of their clientele are women seeking imaginary boyfriends – even lesbians; he'd been amused by that at first, he'd really expected dudes looking for imaginary girlfriends. But it turns out dudes are looking for live porn, mostly, which they don't do, and women… women are looking for protection. It turns his stomach, now that he understands, and they monitor communications with their clientele much more closely now.
This guy is pretty funny. He has only one requirement for his boyfriend, that he "be cool" and the backstory is that they met at Comicon and bonded over how awesome Deadpool is.
Cougar just shakes his head and opens up his email. They're allowed to email clients if there are inconsistencies in the backstory file or if they need more information. Hotch doesn't give them too much shit if they're liberal with what they define as "need more information" so he doesn't really think twice when he builds an airtight case for why Nightcrawler is obviously the best character and would kick Deadpool's ass and obviously they met over their love for Nightcrawler, not Deadpool.
He doesn't expect an answer right away; usually the guys who do this just want some texts or a voicemail to show people when they go to an event. They expect to get general "miss you!" sorts of texts, and when Jake emails back several hours later sheepishly asking if he can just change that part to "we argued about our favorite characters for a while," Cougar smiles thinly in triumph. He asks if Jake speaks Spanish, if he has any nicknames or pet names he prefers, and if there is a particular event coming up in his life that should be mentioned in the texts.
Jake responds more quickly to that one, some, no, and yes – his sister's wedding. Jennifer is apparently several years older than him and always pestering about when he's going to meet a nice boy and settle down. He just doesn't want an interrogation on her wedding day. Cougar nods approval. The tone of the email says that he normally takes the sisterly concern in stride, but that he is looking to make her wedding day perfect, and apparently him having a boyfriend is one of the things that would make it so.
It's kind of sweet, actually.
"Why are you hogging the Jensen profile?" Penelope asks. "I need to build a persona, send him over here."
Cougar glances back at Penelope and grins. "Just use Carlos." Penelope raises her eyebrows. Cougar had offered up his online persona as one to be used when he got this job. He can never get the feel of the interactions right if he uses a fake name. He only takes the lead with clients he gets a good feeling about, so he hasn't had any trouble with creepiness so far. He knows the rest of the crew just lets Penelope set up a completely new online persona, but it's not his style. He doesn't really want to pretend to be someone else, he just needs to tailor himself to the clients' needs.
"Damn," Neal says. "I was going to take that guy. He's funny."
"Me too," Shawn says, and Pooch just raises his eyebrows. "What?" Shawn asks. "It's not like Parker doesn't take on lesbians."
"Parker is pansexual and genderfluid, Shawn," Hotch says, coming out of his office and staring down into the pit. They all whirl around from their desks and look up at him. "And please don't take the lead on clients that don't match your sexual orientation. We want this experience to be a good one for all our clients."
"Eliot's taken on dudes before," Shawn pouts, and Gus kicks him under the desk. "What?" Shawn asks, and Gus shakes his head and does a complicated set of gestures clearly aimed at shutting Shawn up.
"Eliot has proven that he can work outside his own preferred sexual preferences," Hotch says, in an approving tone that Cougar knows means Eliot's a professional, "and he only does it when Carlos and Neal are both unavailable."
Shawn mumbles something under his breath, but he doesn't argue any more and Hotch turns to Cougar and says, "Carlos, if you have a moment."
Cougar hastily finishes up his reply email and sends it, knowing he's going to get balled out for something in a minute. There's a chorus of ooooooohs from the pit and one whispered, falsetto, "you're in trou-ble!" that's he's pretty sure is Shawn. Or maybe Gus. Sometimes he feels like they are actually the same person.
When he gets into Hotch's office, Hotch offers him a seat and he takes it. He prefers to stand, but it unnerves people and he's not looking to upset the boss if he really is in trouble.
"I would like you to create a fake profile for a man seeking a boyfriend," Hotch says, and opens a drawer in his desk, pulling out a phone and a 3x5 index card with a bunch of scribbling on it. "We're going to test Shawn's theory that he can work outside his sexual preference. I'd like it to be simple and easily updateable so we can use it as a testing ground for any of our straight men to cross over."
That… is not what Cougar had been expecting. He lets his breath out slow, meeting Hotch's eyes and giving a single, definitive nod. He waits a beat to see if there's more forthcoming, but when Hotch doesn't say anything else, he gets up and heads to the door. Two steps away from it, Hotch brings down the hammer.
"Oh, and Cougar," he says, which scares the crap out of Cougar, because Hotch never calls him by his nickname, "I think you've emailed with Mr. Jensen enough. Move over to text messages."
Cougar nods again, swallowing reflexively. He has a feeling Jake is going to end up having a very expensive texting habit for the next month.
~~~
Jake stares at the email for a long time. He hadn't expected to get grilled about his choice of comic book characters, so for a moment he's just in shock. Then there are three or four drafts about why Carlos is wrong, wrong, sooooooooo wrong about Nightcrawler and Deadpool. And then he rereads the email and decides maybe Carlos isn't totally wrong, but it's not like Jake is about to change his favorite character, so he has to compromise.
He eventually emails back for a tweak to the profile. He hadn't really expected any email at all, beyond boring, computer-generated ones requesting payment or giving basic information. Carlos emails him again, asking about pet names and Spanish and Jennifer's wedding.
Jake sighs. Jennifer's wedding. Maybe it would be better to hire an escort. It's just that Jenny sees through that sort of thing; she knows him better than anyone has a right to. And this is much cheaper and, for Jake, anyway, much more likely. He shoots back an email and goes back to his little project.
After he answers, he doesn't hear anything for a while. He doesn't pay too much attention when he's gaming, but when the pop-up for his email comes, he clicks over right away.
It's a system-generated email, with Carlos's online information. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram. Nothing too edgy, nothing too interesting.
He's curious to see how well they build a profile, though, so he goes poking around. There's not much on Twitter or Instagram, just a few things here and there, clearly not platforms that get used much. The LinkedIn profile has just been updated to include his new job – consultant with a company Jensen's never heard of. They really exist; Jensen's willing to bet Carlos doesn't actually work for them, though.
The Facebook is the most interesting. It's got a decently long timeline; there are pictures and friends and an honest-to-god history. Either their tech person is incredible or this is a real guy. Jensen flips through pictures of him, long hair and a serious face, almost never smiling, always in a hat. He's gorgeous. Not at all Jake's usual type. Way too cool for the nerdy sort of guy Jake thinks would be believable as his boyfriend.
He knows they've probably got a team on him, that the emails were probably from the resident geek and not this gorgeous, mysterious dude (and who knows if it isn't some random dude whose pictures they stole off the internet), but it doesn't hurt to pretend that he could land someone like that.
He programs the number from the portfolio into his phone as Carlos, confirms the Facebook status change from Carlos to be In A Relationship, and waits.
~~~
~~~
Cougar sends the first text as soon as he gets the okay from Hardison that the payment's gone through. Everything they do is a matter of record, so he can't continue to email without Hotch knowing, even though he'd like to get more of a feel for this guy before he starts trolling him for money.
He knows the object is to get them to pay for more content, but Hotch is a good guy and doesn't actually want to string the customers along, so there is a hard time limit of a month. They can pay for more attention during that month, but they can't get more time than that.
Cougar's had customers get too attached before; usually the team handles things after a certain point if the customer gets too clingy. It's easy to get attached to their clients if they take the lead and don't share responsibility with the team. It's why most of them don't do it. Carlos is just choosy about those he takes the lead on and protective of them once he does. And while Hardison is pretty good at imitating his style and chosen character voice in a pinch, he only does it for women. Eliot and Neal both have very distinctive styles and while he can usually stand in for them, they almost never cover for him unless there's an emergency.
He looks through the thirty-seven text messages he's already exchanged with Jake, moving from a not-really-argument about Nightcrawler and Deadpool to discussion of family (Cougar's a little close for comfort, since he's been more honest with Jake than most customers) to a wistful good night.
"Finally," Penelope says. "Get out of here, will you?"
Cougar wanders over to her desk and kisses her on the top of the head. She and Jolene have the night shift and Penelope's working a double. "Use the cot," Cougar says, and Penelope grins.
"You know I will." She takes his hand in hers and kisses it, which would be really weird except he can feel she's passing him a piece of paper. "Have a good night, Cougar."
~~~
His sister calls him at nearly midnight. "Oh my god, Jake, where the hell did you meet him?"
He grins. Hook, line, and sinker. "Comicon."
The pause sounds dubious, but she says, "Really? He's so hot for a nerd."
"I know," Jake says, because it's not like he can lie, he thought the same thing. "I can barely process it myself. We texted about comics for two hours tonight."
Jenny squeals and Jake can't help himself from grinning. He loves his sister, and doesn't even mind her meddling most of the time (except when she tries to set him up, that never ends well), but he doesn't want her to worry about him on her wedding day.
"So, you're bringing him to the wedding, right?" She's practically breathless. "I have to meet him!"
Jake's practiced this. He's gone over every possible argument in his head and has contingency plans for anything she could possibly say. "I wasn't going to. We're kinda new at this and a wedding is a big family thing, it'd be too stressful."
"Oh, bullshit," Jenny argues. "Come on – he can stay in the hotel for most of the weekend, he only has to come down to the reception for a little bit and dance with you."
"Oh, right, because that sounds like fun. 'Hey, Carlos, you don't mind coming to my sister's wedding and hanging around in a hotel room by yourself, do you?'"
"Come on, Jake, I want to meet this guy! I want you to be happy on my wedding day, too!"
"Jenny," Jake says, exasperation and tenderness mixing up as they always do with his sister. "You can meet him later. When you're not stressed about the wedding."
"Promise?"
"I promise," Jake says, his heart twisting a little with the lie.
~~~
When Cougar gets in the next morning, the whole pit is staring at him. "What?"
Parker's smiling her insane smile, and Cougar knows something has gone to shit.
"What," Cougar says, pulling his hat down over his eyes. "What is it?"
"Your client's sister sent you an invite and a plane ticket so you can surprise him at her wedding," Eliot says, gleeful.
"Carlos," Hotch says, and everyone else turns back to their desks, sudden bursts of productivity. "My office."
Cougar sighs.
~~~
Your sister sent me an invitation to her wedding. And a plane ticket.
Jake stares at the email for a long moment, panic rising up and threatening to overwhelm him. "Shit. Shit shit shit." Once he takes a couple walking tours of the apartment to calm down and get his shit together, he realizes Carlos is already on top of things – he just needs to make sure their stories match as to his excuse for not going.
He emails back, saying he'll go along with whatever story Carlos comes up with. He really should have expected that from Jenny.
~~~
~~~
There's a reason Cougar doesn't often take the lead on clients. He has fifty-six ongoing clients right now, most of which he's sharing with Hardison, a dozen with Parker, and a few each with the rest of the team.
It's been a busy season.
Everyone on the team has roughly fifty clients, maybe one or two leads, if they get a big fish. Cougar doesn't even know how he knew that Jake would be chatty, just that he did, and that kind of client can mean lots of money for them.
He glances over at Jolene, curled up on the cot. They always have at least two people on the night shift, though they can take turns sleeping. Jolene is one of his favorite night shift partners because she will sleep the entire night and leave Cougar to handle things in blessed silence. She's going to nursing school, so he doesn't blame her, and he doesn't mind covering. Night shifts are easier without the running commentary of Shawn or Hardison.
After Cougar messages Jenny back on Facebook, politely declining her offer due to a work conference, he rereads Jake's texts from this afternoon. Two days and already Jake's nearing his limit. Eighty-three and counting.
He sits down to write out a couple postcards – he sends them early, it's just easier that way – and immediately gets texts from three different clients. None his, of course. Two are easy, a quick glance through the file and standard romantic flourishes. One has Parker as a lead, though, and that takes a thorough read of the profile and scouring of the text history to find an appropriate response. There're code names involved, and googling for culinary tidbits. He's pretty sure Eliot's been feeding Parker that stuff during regular business hours.
A short exchange later and Parker's client is off to bed. Cougar's tempted to text Jake, but he's already near the text limit and he would feel guilty pushing him over the top.
He takes out the paper Penelope gave him last night and looks down at the information. He's not sure how he feels about the fact that apparently Penelope is trying to set him up with one of his clients. It's a dumb idea, contacting one of his clients on the side, and it could get him fired. They've lost more than one person that way. He's not stupid enough to do it at work at any rate, so he tucks the note away and keeps glancing at the phone, hoping Jake will text.
Jake doesn't disappoint.
~~~
~~~
The notification email comes in halfway through Carlos's story. Jake doesn't even think twice, just authorizes the funds transfer for more texts, and goes back to egging Carlos on.
It'd been a rough night, one of the few that makes him feel like even an imaginary boyfriend is better than his cold, lonely bed, and who knows who is actually on the other end of the line, but for tonight, Jake is happy to close his eyes and picture the hot guy in the hat sending hilarious texts about his early attempts at making tortillas under his grandmother's careful eye.
Jake falls asleep somewhere in the middle of the story, waking up to find himself wrapped around his phone, three new messages finishing the story and wishing him sweet dreams.
Carlos is probably the best boyfriend he's ever had. It's an entirely new low in his pathetic love life. He buries his face in the pillow and tries to go back to sleep.
~~~
Cougar manages to keep himself from contacting Jake on his personal phone for a full twelve days. Jake has upped his subscription three times already, the last time for five hundred text messages, which normally would be more than Cougar could possibly go through in a month, but with Jake he doesn't doubt they'll fly through them in the next week and a half. Jake hasn't blinked at the price, either, so clearly he's not hurting for money.
Cougar hadn't even known there was a five hundred text message option, and he wonders if maybe they made an exception for Jake. Usually he'd be in the hot seat in Hotch's office for this much contact, even on a client where he's on the lead and who doesn't balk at paying more for more texts, but Hotch hasn't even spoken to him since the wedding invitation, so either someone is watching his back or Hotch approves of all the cash he's bringing in.
The problem is, he's getting a little too attached to Jake. He always gets invested in the clients he takes the lead on, but Jake is a whole different level. He stays late on his workdays so he doesn't have to give up texts, and he's taken a couple of night shifts because Jake's gotten chatty after ten, and there's no point in making someone else stay the night if Cougar's going to be there texting with Jake anyway.
He might be in over his head on this one.
"Cougar," Penelope says sweetly. "I think you should go home."
Cougar glances at the clock. Almost ten-thirty. Jesus. "I'm finishing up some voicemails," he says, but it's a lie. He's gotten all of his other clients set to go; their voicemails are queued and ready to send, their postcards are in the mail, and he has text scripts written out in their files so the rest of the team can manage if he's not there. He has no work left to do.
He even has the fake profile up and running, and is exchanging hilariously awful-bordering-on-offensive texts with Shawn that take his mind off Jake for minutes at a time. He's keeping a review of Shawn's performance in a file on his phone. It's going to make for hilarious reading.
Jake texts just as Cougar's finally packing up. Cougar glances at Penelope, who gives him a raised eyebrow, and sits back down at his desk.
~~~
~~~
Jake rummages around under his desk to find the phone he threw when he got so disgusted with himself he could even handle it. He looks down at the display, wondering who the hell would be calling him at this hour. Jenny, certainly, but it's not her number. It's not local, either, an area code he doesn't recognize. His heart flips as he thinks of the obvious, but it can't be Carlos. There isn't really a Carlos, and he has got to get a grip on this thing before he completely ruins himself for a relationship with a real person.
He picks up. "Hello?"
"Jake?" A softly accented voice comes across the line. Jake's back to "holy shit" territory, because it can't actually be…
"Carlos?"
"Yes," he answers, following up with, "but call me Cougar," which would make Jensen's head explode if he had a second to process it before Cougar shifts straight into his next question. "Why did you stop answering your texts?"
Jake's not too great with reading people, and this guy is probably trained to sound sympathetic, but Jake's pretty sure he sounds concerned. And that just makes Jake even more pathetic.
"You're not supposed to call me," Jake says. Maybe if he can put some distance between himself and this not-really-a-person, he can get a grip on himself again.
"I can if I think there is cause for concern," Cougar says, his voice with a practiced edge of professionalism to it now. "If communication stops abruptly, I can do anything in my power to verify your safety and well-being."
"Well, I'm fine, thanks, and I'd kind of like to go back to sticking my head under the pillow and pretending not to sleep."
"Déjame echarte un cuento," Cougar says, softly and perfect, and so much better than Jake could have ever imagined.
I am so fucked. Jake sighs and flops back down on his bed. "Fine," he whines, because if he's going to be pathetically in love with a not-real guy, he's going to at least enjoy the pleasure of his beautifully expressive voice.
~~~
Cougar can't help himself after that. He texts Jake during his shifts, but at night, he calls Jake from his personal phone and tells him bedtime stories. They're early memories he has of his Nana, mostly, and Jake almost always falls asleep halfway through. It doesn't bother Cougar. Stories are supposed to be comforting, and he likes to listen to Jake's breathing even out as he falls asleep. He catches himself wishing he could be there to watch Jake's eyes blink closed sleepily, and he has to shake himself out of it.
He looks at his calendar. Eleven days left before Jake's contract runs out – on the day of his sister's wedding. It's smart. Well-planned. Jake is intelligent and thoughtful and Cougar rolls his eyes at himself, lowering his hat so no one in the office can see what a complete and utter loser he's turned into.
Penelope slips an envelope in with his mail less than a week later. It has the wedding invite in it and an authorization form for weekend time off.
Cougar's not really one for sweeping romantic gestures, but he thinks he might make an exception for Jake.
~~~
Jenny's bachelorette party is pretty rowdy. Jake gets nicely tipsy, keeping an eye on his sister so she doesn't go overboard and end up puking on her wedding dress tomorrow.
He tucks her into bed around two, and debates texting Cougar, or maybe calling the number he uses for his illegal phone calls, but tomorrow is his last day, and it's probably best that he figure out how to fall asleep without Cougar whispering in his ear.
He's glad Jenny went for a late afternoon wedding the next day. She always was the smart one. By the time he needs to get to the church, Jake's feeling nearly human. It doesn't hurt that he's in a very expensive tux, and his sister has never looked this happy.
He has to laugh at himself when he realizes he's sad because today is the last day he's ever going to talk to his fake boyfriend – which is the exact opposite of the effect he was going for when he started this fiasco.
He gets a text while they're waiting to march, Jensen with Jenny's bridesmaids at Jenny's insistence. He'll be marching and dancing with Scott's younger brother, who is straight as an arrow but a really good sport, even if he ogles all the female bridesmaids while he dances with Jake.
He pulls out his phone just as they're lining up, and his stomach drops to his feet when he reads it. Jenny looks gorgeous in eggshell satin.
He looks around, trying to figure out where the hell Cougar might be. It dawns on him that if Cougar is here, and willing to show his face in front of Jenny, he must actually look like he does on Facebook. He doesn't see Cougar anywhere, but he doesn't have time to really look when Jenny reads the text over his shoulder and screams, hugging him too tightly in her wedding dress.
"Oh, Jake!" she's practically crying, and she is going to get him started in a minute.
"Stop it," he hisses at her, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. "No crying before the ceremony, all right?"
"Right," she says, smiling brightly enough to light the room. "Right! It's time to get married."
~~~
Cougar laughs as he watches the Jensens lose their shit over his text. Jake tries to look for him before Jenny hugs the stuffing out of him, but he doesn't see Cougar's hiding spot, so they just go on with the wedding march, and Carlos gets to watch everything under cover of anonymity for a few more minutes.
The wedding is beautiful, as weddings are, and something about Jake standing up beside his sister, surrounded by women in taffeta is making Cougar melt. It's disgusting, really, but there's no point trying to kid himself. He's totally head over heels for this guy.
~~~
It takes every ounce of Jake's less-than-formidable self-control, but he focuses on his sister during the wedding. He does all the things he's supposed to do, holds her bouquet, straightens her train, makes encouraging noises at her. He only thinks about Cougar a couple dozen times. He's pretty impressed, if he does says so himself.
When the wedding is finally over and they get to head back down the aisle, Jake scours the crowd, looking for any sign of Cougar. There are no hats in the crowd, sadly, so he concentrates on Jenny's side of the church. There are hardly any people over there, so he can look at each one closely. No Cougar. Mostly it's Jenny's coworkers and friends, and a few cousins that they managed to keep in touch with.
Jenny and Scott didn't want a reception line, so they mill around as the guests file out of the little chapel area, briefly talking to folks while they wait for the limo to show.
Jake keeps his eyes peeled, but still no Cougar, so he's beginning to wonder if maybe he just told Cougar what Jenny's dress looked like at some point. It's not completely out of the realm of possibility.
~~~
It's a little creepy that Cougar can tell when Jake gives up looking for him. Everything Jake is feeling is displayed right across his face, and Cougar feels bad for having put him through this.
He gathers his courage and steps out into the open. He's adept at hiding, especially in crowds, and it's hard to just stand still and be seen.
Jenny sees him first, her eyes going big and round as she yells, "Jake!"
Jake looks at her, sees her pointing, and follows it down to where Cougar's standing. His face shifts out of confusion into pure joy, and he starts running. Cougar's a little worried he's about to get tackled, but Jake pulls up short right in front of Cougar. "Hi," he says breathlessly.
"Hi," Cougar says, reaching out a hand to bridge the last few inches between them.
"You're real," Jake says, just as Cougar's hand lands on his sleeve. "I can't believe you're real."
Cougar smiles. Of course he's real – it's Jake that's a dream. There can't possibly be a man this kind and sweet and gorgeous who had to pay to get a boyfriend. "Déjame mostrarte," he says, and leans in to kiss the smile off Jake's face.
~~~