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The amount of positive COVID-19 cases continued to dwindle now that people were getting vaccinated. “Oh my gosh, I can resume in-person human centipedes now!' Heiter pumped his fists in the air excitedly.
Heiter shared a bunch of statuses on Facebook about how we should be supporting small businesses because sharing stuff on Facebook is activism in and of itself. After the 50th post that he shared in a short span of time about how we should be supporting small businesses, he ordered a bunch of fidget spinners from Amazon. Also since it happened to be June another thought came to his head. “Oh shit, I almost forgot, I need to change my profile pic to a rainbow since it's Pride month!” And so he did. Now that he did that, he officially sincerely cares about the LGBT+ community as far as everyone knew. And once July 1st rolled around he would get rid of all the rainbows since he only cared about the LGBTQ+ community for that one month. He also painted the walls of his house rainbow colors. “Aw crap, I'm gonna feel bad about having to revert back to plain walls on July 1st cuz this just looks so pretty.”
He began drilling deep into the rabbit hole of his twisted mind. If social media was interchangeable with activism, how did we ever abolish slavery, give women the right to vote, and do away with the Jim Crow laws when Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. didn't exist back then and thus no way to change your profile pic to a black square or anything like that? Thus, he came to the logical conclusion that such racism and sexism couldn't possibly have existed during the first half of the 20th century or before, or else there would have been activism to overturn such regressive policies, and activism without hashtags or black squares wasn't really activism. He came to a similar conclusion about violence and video games. As far as he knew, it was impossible for any form of real world violence to have happened before the invention of video games, as video games make people violent. Since nailing someone to a wooden cross is an act of violence, he didn't believe that anyone named Jesus was ever actually nailed to a cross since video games weren't around back then. He also didn't believe any murders, wars, or riots ever happened prior to the invention of video games.
Now where was I again? Ah yes. Now that it was safe to resume in-person human centipedes, he put a sign on his door that said “Fully vaccinated people do not have to wear a mask.” Just as luck happened, 3 poor unfortunate souls who were ripe for the picking as victims of his latest human centipede showed up at his door.
“I need to see your vaccination cards so I can determine whether or not to order you to put a mask on. Also I'm promoting a special deal where anyone who's had one or both COVID shots will get to be put in a human centipede free of charge.” Heiter said excitedly. Two of them presented their vaccination cards, and the other one didn't.
“I didn't take the COVID vaccine because it's the Mark of the Beast. Joe Biden wants to implant everyone with microchips and worship the Beast and make everyone unable to buy or sell without it.”
The unvaccinated one of the trio had a 6 foot pipe sewed to their mouth with the other end sewed to the 2nd person's butthole while the 2nd person had the privilege to be right up to the 1st person's butthole with no mask. Person 3 didn't think it was entirely fair.
After feeding them a spicy footlong BLT unwich with peanut butter, Heiter took them to the local theme park and from there to the roller coaster.
“Yay!” Person 1 squealed excitedly. “I love roller coasters. Thank you Heiter.” Heiter strapped modified roller skates (skates that had additional wheels to grip the roller coaster's rails on the top, side, and bottom) to the hands and feet of each link in the human chain so they were now locked to the coaster track, pushed the human centipede all the way to the crest of the lift hill, mounted himself on top of one of the links in the human chain, and pushed forward down the drop. Heiter was holding onto dear life, as he didn't have any seatbelt, lap bars, or anything. Other than that, it was just like riding an actual roller coaster. The centipede even looked like a humanoid coaster train. He then opened the ride to anyone who wanted to ride, and long lines quickly formed to ride the human centipede roller coaster. The line moved slowly because every ride cycle Heiter had to push the human centipede up the tallest point of the ride with additional people on it, and because only 3 people could ride at a time.
Somewhere there was a young adult browsing Facebook to find out that Heiter shared a post saying that he was no longer requiring face masks for fully vaccinated ppl who wanna be part of a human centipede, and despite being fully vaccinated himself, still had reservations about going out in public.
“What about them damn variants?” He mused to himself. “I don't wanna catch a variant while my mouth is sewn to someone's asshole. In fact, maybe I'll just pretend I'm unvaccinated so that I'll have to wear a mask. Yeah, I think I'll do that!”
Meanwhile some conservatives (and even some progressives) were posting things like “they should never have shut down in the first place. If people wanna stitch their mouths to another's butthole during a pandemic, let them. Vaccine passports my ass!” And also stuff like “You're allowed to sew your mouth to someone's butthole but you still can't drink from the water fountain. Yeah, science.” And also stuff like “If the CDC could allow human centipedes at all even with social distancing guidelines, then surely there's no reason we couldn't also have had in-person graduations and funerals, right? How come I have to mask up in between every single bite of my meal, yet eating someone's poo is perfectly fine? Make it make sense!”
Ever since Heiter's human centipede roller coaster took off, more and more people lined up outside his house all wanting to be part of a human centipede too. Before he knew it, Heiter had made hundreds of human centipedes of various lengths, ranging from3 segments all the way to 800 segments. There was one centipede where one of the segments was a pair of Siamese twins, and each of them had their mouth sewn to someone's asshole, so that particular one had 2 front segments. There was another centipede like that but every segment was a Siamese twin so it was more like a human tree. Each centipede was fitted with pairs of the same kind of modded roller skates as the aforementioned ones from earlier and each sent to a different roller coaster, transforming them into human centipede roller coasters. He was making so much money from his small business that he was basically set for life. And then the unthinkable happened. One of his human centipedes caught COVID. “Oh no ya don't!” Heiter filled a 2-liter Pepsi bottle with hydroxychloroquine and force-fed it to the first link in that particular centipede, making them drink every last drop. It was not a pleasant experience for the person behind to get mouthfuls of diarrhea, but it was still preferable to enduring a president Kanye West rally.
And then he got cancelled on Twitter, not for having one of his centipedes catch COVID but for posting a positive review for sugar-free Haribo gummy bears one time when he was 14. This gave Heiter a cruel idea. He bought a bunch of bags of sugar-free Haribo gummy bears from Amazon and gave several bags to each of the centipedes.
“This is your diet from now on,” he said with a menacing smile.