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It felt like the country as a whole stopped that day.
At 4:35pm every TV seemed to be on, watching the same thing. Cause today was the day Bucky’s press conference would air live.
He'd been getting ready for it for the last week.
The government released a statement the first week after the letter’s leak, declaring James Buchanan Barnes unable to come forth to address the public's concerns due to “a special mission he was undergoing", but other than that, they didn't do much of anything, really.
But that at least it gave him more time to get himself together – or the closest thing to that he could get with the current situation at hand, at least –, and go through it all with his therapist, who turned out to be an amazing, sweet lady who looked like she could be MJ's mother, almost.
Maybe it was for how amazing she was with Bucky.
Peter wasn't allowed to participate of their preparation session, obviously, but he did get the chance to introduce himself and thank her for making it a bit easier for James to get through with it, because when they were finished, his whole body-language was different. It looked like he had shed 10+ years from his shoulders that afternoon on the compound – where Bucky was crashing for the last few days, after a neighbor took a few seconds too long looking at him in the hall and he convinced himself the woman knew.
He somehow got a cat there too, which… news.
But he was benched off the whole process. Bucky thought it was too much exposure and could compromise his still unknown identity. Pepper just straight out said it was scandalous enough, the discover of two of their most important WWII symbols having “an affair" with each other over the whole history behind The Winter Soldier, he didn't need the new scandal of “having an intimate relationship” with a “teenage boy” to make things even worse for him, which… ouch.
So, there he was at home with May in front of the TV like everybody else that afternoon, waiting for the moment of truth.
And the first few seconds after it all started, it was just chaos and cacophony till the government representative that was sent in the last minute – to keep the illusion of them supporting this in any way plausible – came forth and started the introduction, which was super brief and concise and welcome to the public standpoint since nobody cared about what he was saying, but it made him go to the edge of his seat, nervous for Bucky.
“It’s gonna be ok, sweetie.” – May tried to comfort him, taking his hand with both of hers and holding tight.
“He was terrified, May. And so hurt…”
“He’ll know how to deal with it. You know he had help, Peter. You were there the whole time.”
“Not the whole time.” – he muttered bitterly, seeing Sam Wilson taking point right on Bucky’s left, a few steps behind him.
But before May could say anything more, Bucky cleared his throat gently and the world went quiet.
“First of all, good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I have no idea for how long you’ve been waiting here, but this whole thing’s so much fancier than what I was expectin’, to be honest, so I appreciate your patience.” – the brunette started, all politeness and charm and honesty.
It was hard to imagine that there were people out there still protesting against his current state of liberty. They probably thought him a psychopath, to be able to witness that kind of charisma and still hate his guts.
“But I don’t think what I have to say here’s what any of you want to hear at all. From any side you're at. ‘S not a defense, not a denial. But ‘s all I keep thinking about saying and is this: Captain America is a symbol to the nation. Captain America is what America strives to be and what we look up to. He represents Honesty and Integrity. He represents Hope and Justice.
‘You all know Captain America and most of you love him. But the thing is, I don’t know how many of you really saw the man behind the shield.
‘Captain America is a symbol. Steven Grant Rogers was a man. Sure, he was a great man, you can ask anyone who really met him, and I’ll probably fight till my last breath anyone who dares to say otherwise. But he was just human. He had secrets and fears and nightmares too.”
He paused on his speech to wet his lips and a pin could’ve been heard dropping in the ground at that moment. Every eye was on him. It was nerve wracking to Peter, just to watch.
“These past few weeks since my personal letter, stolen from my friend’s house, where I kept to keep me from torturing myself with his last words, came to public…? What I've seen in the news…? What I saw would break his heart. And for that alone it broke mine too.”
Bucky talked about Captain Rogers with such warm and care, made him feel so relatable, so close and real, it was hard to not see him through his eyes a bit.
It was heartbreaking too.
And that was probably the whole point. Bucky’s therapist had said something about being open and engaging, he thought. He was taking it to heart.
“Stevie and I… Someone said to me today we were as good as married, since we lived together for years. I knew all his mornin’ rituals and would almost break my neck on his art materials thrown around the house and there were days I'd swear he was the most frustrating person alive and still one smile would break me in half every time. And it hurts, thinking about it. You saw it. You all read it. It was complicated.
‘I loved that skinny ass spitfire since I first understand what love is. He didn’t take long to catch up too. But it was wrong, you see? It was still 1930’s, yet. We were raised like good Catholic boys. Would go to the church every Sunday morning. We would pray and confess and pray and repent and fight and run from it and we still ended in exactly the same place. Me living for him, him surviving for me.
‘It sounds pretty now, putting it like that, but it was terrifying. I didn’t want it. I wanted to be good, I wanted to be normal, not immoral and wrong inside like the world said I was. Said Stevie was too, which’s b-, ridiculous… That man was the most morally correct person I ever knew. All he did his entire life was try to stand up for what was right. Anyway…
‘So, yeah it really was complicated, but in the end, we found our way. We gave up having our eternal souls saved just to try to be happy together. We gave up the dream of having a family and of introducing our sweethearts to everyone we knew with pride, for it. Be able to do something silly like hold hands.”
There was another pause where the man dry swallowed like he was trying to keep his emotions checked and looked down for a second, before looking up, eyes serious and jaw tightened.
We couldn’t really relax in our own home. We had two single beds we’d push together at night, so the landlord didn’t get suspicious. I could say more… but I wont. I think you guys are smart enough to understand we lived in fear. For each other, for ourselves, of the eternal damnation for us livin’ in sin, of people starting to catch up why I wasn’t dating around if I had no girl. I had to try to keep them all fooled, or I’d lose my family. Steve would too, since my folks adopted him almost, after Mrs. Rogers passed away. We lived in fear and then The War came.”
His voice became rough with emotion there and it was Peter’s time to swallow down his own emotions, feeling the hands on his own grabbing him tighter.
“Here comes the whole Captain America's exhibit on the Smithsonian. The super soldier program, the training, Agent Carter and the serum.
‘And here comes my letter you guys for sure read it. Everyone did. So, you read it and you know that in the middle of all that Stevie found someone better he could love freely.
‘Peggy Carter was a hell of a lady, and they’d make a really good-looking couple, I’ll give them that. She’d make him happy. She’d give him a family and salvation to his eternal soul from our perversion and would not put up with his shit – pardon my French here –, which is saying something, cause Stevie was full of it. So, I tried to step away. I could live with going to hell as long as Stevie was saved. But the stupid man wouldn’t hear of it. He said he’d choose me every time, you guys read that too. But it was still wrong. So, it was a secret.
‘We lived through The War carrying that secret and then I died the first time and Steve buried himself in ice to safe the country.
‘He woke up then, and nothing was the same. Just like that, in a blink of an eye, 70 years had passed for everyone around him. Everything he knew was gone and so much new things we never dreamed of were there for him to try to put sense to. Do you guys can understand how isolating that is? Everything he knew as gone. He knew no one. He knew nothing anymore. Can you picture that?
‘So, his former relationship with me wasn’t the only thing he kept to himself. He kept his pain. His isolation. His PTSD. He’d wake up at night in panic and sometimes not sleep for days. But he wasn’t a man to anyone around him anymore, he was a symbol, so he carried on regardless. Man… Stevie was stupid like that; you see what I mean about flawed? He made himself believe he was alright to be able to be what everybody needed him to be."
He paused with a hollow little laugh, looking down again to conceal how glassy his eyes were.
But then he blinked, expression going almost detached and a bit confused.
“And then comes me again, I think.
‘Sorry, I can’t talk much about this part. Most of it I don’t even remember. I knew him, that’s all I know. Hydra tried to use me against him, but he refused to fight me once he had done what he needed to keep everyone he could safe. And I knew him. I don’t know what more I can say about this. Like I said, besides his face, I can’t remember much of it at all yet.
‘Then I was as free from Hydra as I could be then for what looked the first time in my miserable life and trying to piece together who the hell I was, so I ran and kept running.
‘He chased me, of course he did. But when he found me, he became a fugitive to help me not get killed, I think. I know this part’s confusing, with the Accords and the attack on the UN and everything. Can’t help with that either. Some ass with a vendetta against the Avengers messed with my head again then, so most of what was going on I don’t understand till this day.
‘But I know for a fact I was still a danger to myself and others, I couldn't trust my own mind. So, I asked to be put under until we found a way for me not to be. It took a year. And then I was finally really free for the first time in more than 70 years. And we had about a single year together before the snap.”
“Jesus… A year? That's all they got?” – he asked, raw and heartsick, looking at his aunt and seeing her looking back at him, eyes red raw with emotion too.
“His story, Peter…”
“Yeah…” – he agreed through the knot in his throat. Looking back at the TV. – “Yeah… I know.”
“You see what I’m trying to say with this big a-… with this story? I saw people accusing him of withholding this information on purpose. Like he was denying representation to the… L…GB…TQ…?+ community? That’s the right acronym? Sorry, I am crap with these. Had to repeat mentally the PTSD one about 4 times before a said it, and I suffer from this thing too. Still call ‘combat stress reaction’ sometimes, it’s pathetic. Anyway. Sorry… back to the point: Stevie didn’t deny you a thing. If he were still here-,”
He choked on his words here, cleaning his throat softly again, looking at the horizon for a second, visibly overtook by emotion.
“If he were here, he’d be proud to help people get accepted for who they are, regardless. He’d do it even though it would impact his image as it did now, even after he’s not here anymore. So, I have to ask all of you: How can you judge him without knowing him? How can you see everything he did-, everything he sacrificed for this country and call him a traitor?
‘So, please stop trash talking Steve. All of you. I don’t care if you think our private relationship was dirty and that he’d go to hell for it, doesn’t change the fact that he died to bring half of the people of this world back. Don’t you dare spit on that.
‘Steve Rogers was only just a man. But he was a good one. People believed in Captain America and what he stood for because Steve was good. He was generous, he was caring and honest and had more integrity than everyone I've ever seen put together. And I get it if you don't take my word for it. What is it good for anyway, right? But you can ask anyone who knew him. They’ll tell you the same thing: Steve was exactly what Captain America stands for.
‘He was a hero and deserves to be remembered as such. He, side by side with every other hero who've fallen to save every single life Thanos took, deserve to be remembered with gratitude and honored. So, please, just stop spitting on his legacy. I don't blame you for hating me; Actually, I get that. But, please, let Steve where he belongs, and that's in all of our hearts.
‘Thank you.”
The room exploded with questions on an undiscernible dissonance, but Bucky kept his post, trying to hear what was shouted at him until Sam came beside him, taking him by the arm gently and guiding him away while saying a ‘Thank you guys, no questions today!’ And then they were gone.
And Peter was with his phone in hand dialing Sam Wilson’s phone, at it.
“Parker! Glad you called…” – he heard the strong voice of the new Cap, slightly muffled by the background general noise, while he excused himself to May and entered his room, looking for some privacy.
“How is he?”
“Had better days, for sure. This ass keeps saying he’s fine, but he’s talking in monosyllables like a caveman and avoiding eye contact. I was going to call Jo.” – he heard some light scuffling on the background after the ‘That Pete?’ Bucky said huskily on the background, and before he could answer, the voice on the receiver changed, becoming softer, rounder and dearer. – “Hey Pete…”
“How you’re holding up, Buck?” – he asked softly, hearing the way his breath changed at it.
Sometimes he did that, look heartbroken all of a sudden for no apparent reason, and he knew that meant Captain Rogers was not far from his mind too.
“I miss ‘im. I-… I’m sorry sweetheart-.”
“It’s okay…” – he said it softly.
It wasn’t. But it wasn’t his fault. That didn’t belong to Bucky, it was his own problems and insecurities speaking up.
His own demons to face.
“It’s not. I’m sorry. I don’t want him to haunt us. He deserves better. You deserve better. I’m just bad at letting go, I think.”
“He was the greatest love of your life.” – he felt it scape hoarsely and twisted his face in frustration, pressing his lips together and bringing the palm of his free hand to his forehead like it would help get a hold of his thoughts. – “I mean-. I-It’s hard to let that go.”
“I love you.”
“I know.” – he replied immediately, tenderly.
It didn’t change how little he felt compared to Captain Rogers, but he knew it was true and it helped.
He loved him. That was enough.
“… Star Wars, right? The Solo guy catchphrase?” – he couldn’t help laughing at Bucky’s tentative of a lighthearted comment to lift the tension and Sam’s ‘man, how the fuck you know Han Solo?’ at the background, and felt his heart go stupid over that man all over again.
He saw the classic trilogy with him not that long ago and was particularly impressed by Princess Lea and equally unimpressed by Han Solo’s charisma and behavior towards her, which, kinda fair.
Still shipped them, though.
“I knew you’d surrender to the power of pop culture eventually.”
“Keep dreaming, sugar. Can’t make a word outta what you say, usually, when you go there.”
“We’ll work on that. You’ll freak Sam out even more than just now, you’ll see.” – he felt butterflies in his stomach at the way Bucky let it out a laugh, tired, a bit scratchy, but real at that.
“God, I love you.”
“Me too. I love you too.”
“Thank you for callin’.”
“Feeling better?”
“Gettin’ there.”
“Go talk to Jo, then.”
“Sam’ll make me, I know. That woman should be better paid for the kind of bullshit she has to deal with me.”
“That’s literally her job. She can handle it. And yours is going to her when you need, like you’re doing already. I’m really, so proud...”
“Hey, tryin’ to be functional, right?”
“You’re amazing.”
“Thank you, Pete. Really.”
“Now go talk to her! Call me later when you’re free and I’ll tell you about last Spider round, you’ll not believe me.”
“K. See you later then.”
“Yeah. Till later, honey.” – he said softly before ending the call quickly as he realized what he just did, feeling his face go bright red, mortified, at the slipped pet name.
Bucky sounded so sweet and charming and sexy with his sweetheart’s and sugar’s and love’s. It dripped off his tongue like honey.
But he? He just sounded stupid.
Jesus…
It took a second to recover himself enough of the humiliating feeling of his burning face to look at his phone again at the notification he received the next minute. But he had to smile at the message he got from Sam.
Thank you.
Whatever you did, now he’s even smiling a bit now.
Started to talk like and actual human being too.
You’re magical, I swear.
So, it was worth it.
.