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felix had no idea when the night went by, he didn’t even get to sleep. not that he tried falling asleep in the first place, though… especially not after everything that went down the day prior. he was aware that no matter the decision that his ‘roommate’ was going to take, it was not his to judge or complain over, but he couldn’t shake the idea that chan wanted to get rid of him from his life as soon as possible. wow, only the thought of it was shaking the younger to the depths of his stomach. it was giving him unpleasant shivers and all he could do was let tears take over his face and fall onto the bedsheets of the bed he was lying in. he was surprised they weren’t completely wet from all the times he had cried that whole night.
after what felt like an eternity, he finally sat up in his bed and he felt his limbs hurting from staying in the exact same position for the past few hours. he would have stretched around or move them to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling he had in them, but he didn’t have the will to focus on that. instead he raised one of his hands and wiped away some of the remaining tears, feeling like his tear ducts dried completely from pissing his eyes out all the damn night.
he dared to look towards the window in his room. he knew the curtains were in the way of the see-through glass, but he still tried his best to notice if the sun was rising yet and by the strands of sunshine that made their way shyly in his room and making themselves comfortable on his floor, he could confirm that yes. it was indeed early in the morning, but that did not warm him with anything. he was sure that his roommate was up as well, since he never really slept well. he knew the reasons and he was not going to become petty about it and consider them stupid, he was better than that.
but at that moment, felix wished that chan was asleep, safe and sound and not thinking of leaving behind all their history. was it all that selfish? did it hurt that much to see his face for him to think of immediately moving out? was there something he did not get about all that fiasco? was there something he should have read between the lines and failed to as he was too focused on the actual story of their sad ending? did he fail on noticing stuff that were easily to slip through his fingers at the moment? thinking back to it did not even help him. his memories were already foggy, as his brain decided to start erasing them as soon as he locked himself in his room last night.
wow, he was so fucking stupid. dealing with a heartbreak that he was not even able to recall fully. it was laughable and that was what felix did; he let out a loud, bitter laugh that filled the way too quiet room he decided to isolate himself into.
“you’re so pathetic, lee felix. learn to grow the fuck up.” he told himself, his voice raspier than usual due to the fact that his throat felt dry after battling tears for such a long time and not having any liquids that could tend to it in that mean time. but that was not what mattered in the moment. it didn’t even fly through his mind that he had to take care of himself.
the concept felt foreign to felix at that moment and he knew that his future self was going to hate him in the present for that, but that was a worry for future felix, after all.
a heavy sigh escaped through his lips and he slowly got up from his bed, standing up and feeling like all his limbs were going to fall off at that very moment. he even stumbled a little as soon as he tried to stand straight. the balance felt so off, but he decided to ignore the dizziness and pain that he was serving to his own self. he decided subconsciously that he deserved all of that, even if the very little rational part of him was yelling at him to get it together.
get what together? his feelings? he was just broken up with, what feelings could he even get together? they were all over the place and he was wishing for something that sounded out of bad train literature; for his ex-lover to still be friends with him in the possibility of him changing his mind and falling back in love with him. sounded like a bad teen romcom, but god, did felix wish his life was in fact one of those crappily written medias?
he scoffed at himself and started lazily making his way towards the door of his room, unlocking it and taking the key from the lock and placing it in one of his pants’ pockets. he inhaled deeply before finally deciding to open the door and peek across the apartment. it seemed like chan didn’t come out of his room yet and for some reason, felix wanted the exact opposite of that. he wanted to run into him and feel the killing tension between the two of them, maybe, just maybe, for the fact that it would mean that there were still some kind of feelings left.
the younger couldn’t believe he got to a point where he’d rather have any kind of signs of any kind of feelings from chan towards him, no matter the intensity or why they were there. maybe he was strange for thinking that. no, he surely was strange for thinking that, but his heart never made seunse when it came to chan, anyway. starting to be rational in one of his worst states was not going to bring him any benefits. this way, though, he could instigate pity in chan. maybe. just maybe.
he let out a chuckle as he finally made it to the kitchen and he thought of maybe giving his body some water, you know, as a treat. however, as soon as he put foot in that room, all of his needs were forgotten, his gaze fixating on the person that was casually leaning against the counter in the kitchen, facing him. of course, how did he not see that coming?
“you’re awake.” chan pointed out the obvious, trying to shove away the tension that you could cut through with a knife. felix would have answered with a ‘no shit, sherlock’ line probably, but he was too at loss of words to even react to the fact that the person who he used to call the love of his life was staying in front of him, after what happened yesterday and after the night felix had in general.
“what do you want?” he simply asked, trying to keep his tone at a reasonable volume, not wanting to lash out. maybe… just… maybe…?
“just checking in with you, that’s all.”
“and?”
there was more to it and they both knew it. felix predicted it and it was tugging at his already broken heart so hard, he swore he could hear it breaking from pieces into literal dust. he didn’t want to hear it. what he wanted to hear was how chan didn’t mean to break up with him and how he is terribly sorry and how he wants felix back into his life already.
but that was real life and not the daydreams his sad state was making up in his head when he was zoning out, too exhausted from the lack of sleep and crying his heart out.
“and… i’ve already packed my things, i will leave so i won’t make it harder for you. of course, if you need someone… you can call the others, yeah? i am also up to texting with you…” the older started saying, but felix blanked after the word ‘packed’. it was really happening, wasn’t it?
“you don’t have to leave. i want you around.”
“that’s the fucking problem, felix.” the tone used by chan caught felix off-guard. it wasn’t mean or angry, it was exasperated. desperate after the fact that felix was not understanding something; but the younger couldn’t figure out what that something was. he was dumbfounded.
“what do you mean?” he asked, finally, after a long string of silence between the two of them. he tried processing what chan was not telling him up-front and he really couldn’t figure it out. at. all. he wanted to be told.
or maybe, just maybe, he was pretending to not understand so felix could be told and feel even more pain by the fact that maybe, just maybe, he was the fucking problem all along. it was never about chan, actually. chan only did what was better for him. and yet, he was still thinking about felix and his well-being.
that must have been some sort of sick joke, actually.
“you are just going to hurt yourself more and if i remain? what does that tell you? have expectations that we will get back together? that maybe, just maybe, i will feel guilty enough again to come back to you? this is not good, felix. not for me and not for you. you don’t realise it now and i honestly don’t expect you to do so any time soon, but you have no sense of self-preservation and sense of preservation of your supposedly loved ones. no amount of ‘i want you around’s will ever work again, felix. you need to fix yourself and not hope that every person you get close with will.”
felix was the problem. it wasn’t like he didn’t know it, deep down. he just hoped it was going to be different. he had no idea how to fix himself, so he craved for someone to do it for himself. he was not heartbroken, he just liked the attention and effort someone was giving him each time they would fall in love with him.
“you’ve stayed around more than expected, chan.” felix simply said and he let out another bitter laugh. “was starting to think that i am actually the one with the broken heart and not you. damn, i even cried after you. i forgot for a second how i actually act.” he continued and an actual laugh left his lips, but he immediately got serious. “you’re right, i hoped that i could tangle you back in grasp with the ‘i want you around’ excuse, but you really had to be that smart, didn’t you?”
“felix, please.”
“no, no, i get you.” he interrupted chan and took out a chair, taking a seat at the table and then looked up at the older, making eye contact with him. “go on, i’m sure you’re excited to finally leave this damned apartment, i don’t blame you. now go, before you maybe change your mind.” he mocked chan and let out another laugh and that was literally the cue for chan to walk out of the kitchen, feeling a shiver down his spine and before he even knew it, he took his stuff and was outside the apartment, waiting for the elevator. it was taking more than he thought.
but it finally let out a ding and chan got inside, pressing on the button for the ground floor and as soon as the doors closed, he let out a relieved sigh.
“you failed again.” a voice, a bit distorted, spoke right into felix’s ear.
“i know. we’ll get him in the next time travelling phase. just make sure you replace me with someone else so he has no idea who the fuck i am when we are going to meet again.”
“alright, whatever the fuck you say, yongbok.”
“felix.”
“mission ‘i want you around’, move forward… right… about… now.”