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Maybe one day. It all started with one day. Just one. A very special day. Everyone thought that this was the day. The very day they get to go back home. The day where everything could go back to normal. What really was normal anyway? Back home where they felt unwanted and unsure? Was it even better than what they had here? Sure, they were stuck playing these useless games after games after games. But along the way, it seemed more than that. There were just things you expected. Akki and Anya sitting comfortably next to each other as Akki recalled some funny jokes and then there was Anya who sat next to Akki nodding his head once in a while trying desperately not to seem as tired as he feels. There’s Yuzu and Kai probably gossiping as they usually do in the corner. Lastly, you would have Zakuro, Himiko, Aikawa and Karin sitting silently together not having to speak a word but not making it feel awkward. There were just things you expected every day. But this day… It was a little different.
Anya thought this was the day. He was going to go home and check on his little brother. That was also the same day where he had a dream he met his older brother. Every time he looked at Akki he didn’t see some fake person that puts on a smile and a fake easy-going attitude every day. He knows that’s what the others think. He knows they know that Akki can be trusted but nonetheless still don’t trust him. Anya doesn’t see that. He sees the same foolish high schooler that always puts other people in front of himself and has absolutely no care for his own well-being other than the basics. He throws himself carelessly into danger as long as it means that someone else isn’t alone. Hell, he even risked getting Anya mad just so that he could have sleeping pills. He always keeps his promises. But why? Anya always wonders… Why can’t he be selfish for once? He gets mad just thinking about it.
But the dream he had. The dream where he spoke to his brother. He realized a few things. Did Akki feel… alone? Did he feel like he couldn’t turn to anyone? Did he feel like he was falling… falling deep into the abyss? Did he really… not care about himself? Anya had to know. He had to know what Akki was feeling, and he wanted to help. He wanted to extend his hand. He helped him many times and yet, what has Anya done in return? Pretend to be mad at him? Threaten to punch him? Just be there for Akki? Was that even enough? Why wasn’t he… enough? Anya was convinced that Akki was hiding his feelings and that didn’t sit right with him. Even though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, Akki was his best friend. He hadn’t had any of those in a while.
And so one fateful day, he tried. For the first time, Anya was the one who came up to Akki wanting to talk and not the other way around. But Anya knew something was wrong. Something was so very wrong. But what could it be? Or maybe his mind was playing tricks with him. Maybe his mind is trying to conjure a reason or an excuse just to cover up his own mistake. “It will be fine. We will talk. And we will stay friends.” That's what he kept telling himself anyway.
One day, he would get Akki to open up to him. One day, he would be able to be open about his own feelings. One day, he would be able to sit next to Akki and lounge around in the grass while looking at funky cloud shapes. He told himself that one day… he would be able to do those things with Akki. So, why didn’t it come true… were dreams and hopes not enough. Was change not enough? WHAT WASN'T ENOUGH? Was there something wrong with him? What was wrong? What even was right or wrong? He didn’t believe Akki was bad. He looked up to him in some way. So why? Why was Akki the one stabbing a knife into him? Why was Akki the one who taught him to feel empathy towards others? Why did Anya’s legs start moving without even thinking about it? That was his friend. His best friend. So what was so wrong with the world, that he couldn’t even have a friend? Why is it that he tries to be better at friendship for Akki only to receive a stab in the back? Did he even want Akki’s friendship or was it something else? How can someone as precious and as kind as Akki possibly feel so… broken? He wanted to yell. How stupid could Akki possibly be? Emptiness? That’s not something he would use to describe Akki. Feelings? They exist in Akki. Anya knew it. He wanted to yell. He wanted to scream. He wanted to… cry. He hasn’t cried. He’s never cried. So what’s so special now? What a joke. He wanted to just release all his anger, but yet, why wasn’t anything coming out of his mouth. No words. No sounds. Emptiness. Just like Akki…
He looks forward to the days when they just lounge around in Akki’s room. He misses the days where they can just sit next to each other and not say a word yet it doesn’t feel awkward. He misses Akki’s smile already. The one he would always give Anya and Anya would lay the world in his hand. The one smile that made everything seem okay in this cruel world. But the smile plastered on his face now, that wasn’t the same. It was cold and conniving. Anya knew better so why’d he run? Why did he run straight into danger? Anya would say it was because of Akki, but who really knows anymore? Anya wished it was a dream. No one wanted to see Akki this way. Anya didn’t want to see someone else close to him die. He didn’t want that… But what can he do? He builds himself to seem strong and uncaring when all he wants is a shoulder to lean on. Maybe one day, he hopes, as he is carried out of the room where Akki, Paka, and Yuzu glare at their backs, he’ll be able to tell Akki that he loves him.