Archive of Our Own ^beta

"No."

"Remus, please."

"No."

"C'mon, Moony. Be a mate," Sirius said, just as James piped, "You don't even know what we want, yet!"

"It doesn't matter," Remus replied, yawning into his sleeve. It was still fairly early, but he was always tired this close to the full moon. He flopped back onto his pillows and tried to look interested in his Potions book, did his level best to ignore the two boys fidgeting at the foot of his bed. "The answer is no. The answer is always no."

"Hear us out, at least," James insisted, waving his hands so widely he nearly smacked Sirius in the face. "It's a brilliant plan, really. Bloody brilliant."

"The plan is all right, I guess," Sirius said, eyeing James sideways. "Needs a touch more Furnunculus, if you ask me -- "

"Which I didn't!"

" -- but I figure Snivellus has it coming, however it happens."

"Oh, well. Snape," Remus muttered quietly, giving his Potions book up as a bad job. "Of course."

"He bloody well deserves it!" James shouted, bristling in a way that suggested he rather didn't care for Remus' tone. Remus braced himself for a sudden show of Gryffindor patriotism, holding a Shield Charm at the ready in case it came out in the form of spots and boils. "He put Chizpurfles in my Quidditch robes!"

Remus sighed under his breath. "I'm sure he did. Probably because you put doxy eggs in his Herbology gloves."

"That was Sirius," James said, shaking his head.

"It was not. You've got it all bollocksed," Sirius argued, with a gesture so sharp he nearly stuck his finger up James' nose. "It was Tentacula venom, and I put it on Regulus' broomstick."

Remus huffed and threw a pillow at Sirius' head. "What about the doxy eggs, then? McGonagall mentioned it just yesterday."

"Well," Sirius said, returning the pillow with a Charm that made it fart when it landed on Remus' face, "Clearly, McKittens has it all bollocksed, too."

James snorted with the delicacy of a dying Hippogriff. "Go on, Padfoot. I dare you to hell her that."

"I dare you to call her McKittens to her face," Peter chimed in, trundling through the doorway with a sack bulging under his arm. Remus was slightly peckish, now that he thought about it; he really hoped there was a sandwich or two in there, or some of those chipolatas from breakfast. "A sickle says she'll have you in detention until your children start school."

Sirius derailed that train of thought with a lazy wave. "Rubbish. McKittens loves me, and you're not making any sense, besides. I won't have any children, if she puts me in detention that long."

"You won't have any children because you're as bent as a Double Galleon," James said.

"You could still have children in detention," Peter ventured, ducking around the fist Sirius was swinging at James' head to hand Remus a cherry tartlet. It wasn't a sandwich, but Remus wasn't going to complain. "I've seen the way Hortence Yaxley looks at you. She'd find a way to get the job done, even with McGonagall in the room."

"She'd probably enjoy having McGonagall in the room," Sirius said, wrinkling his nose as he turned and took a badly-aimed swipe at Peter's head. "Bloody Slytherins. Kinkier than a Kneazle's tail, the whole lot of them."

Peter paused with a tartlet halfway to his mouth. "Snooping in Bellatrix's mail again, are you?"

Sirius launched himself at Peter, one hand fisted in Peter's robes and the other flapping dangerously in the direction of Peter's face, but Peter avoided having an eye out by dint of collapsing on the bed. Sirius dove after him, smacked him the shoulder with the sack, and Remus -- who thought it was rather rude for people to roll about on top of his legs like a pair of Nifflers in heat while he was trying to eat -- popped the last of the tartlet into his mouth and took the farting pillow to both their heads.

"Gentlemen, please," James said, in a voice that was fairly desperate to crack with laughter. "We have important business to attend to."

"I already said no," Remus complained, glancing at Peter for what he hoped would be support. If Peter wasn't interested, James and Sirius might bugger off by themselves. Unfortunately, he couldn't tell what Peter was thinking, because Peter's head was neatly wedged into Sirius' armpit, and Sirius rather didn't look like he planned to let him up for hair anytime soon. "What about you, Wormtail?"

"Peter's with me," James said firmly.

"Prongs, the stuff you wanted is in the bottom of the bag," Peter mumbled, around a mouthful of Sirius' robes. "Slightly aged Bubotuber pus, powdered Fanged Geranium root, and Flitterbloom leaves dried under a piece of obsidan during the new moon."

"Merlin's saggy balls," Remus muttered quietly. Whatever they were planning, it sounded positively foetid. "You forgot the monkshood grated on an Erumpent horn."

"I didn't forget the bloody monkshood," Peter said, shoving Sirius away with a grunt and a series of fairly girly slaps about the head and shoulders. "Sluggy was down to scraps. We'll have to try Zonkos over the weekend."

"Zonkos doesn't carry it any more. They stopped selling that sort of thing after that business with Rosier and the unicorn," Remus said, almost gleefully, "and the Hogsmeade Apothecary isn't going to sell any monkshood to a minor."

James barely blinked. "I'll have Prewett buy it. He owes me a favour, because I got him in with McKinnon."

"Here." Sirius smiled and inched up the bed until he was stretched out against Remus' side. "Why don't you two go talk it over with Prewett. I'll work on Moony."

"Ugh," James said, covering his face with both hands. "You're not going to snog him into it, are you?"

Sirius leered a little. "I might try."

"You're not going to snog me into it," Remus said, as soon as the door was closed.

Sirius kissed him, all soft lips and slick tongue and his fingertips light along the line of his jaw. Remus leaned up into it, and curled his hands in the collar of Sirius' robes, and he sighed heavily when Sirius' mouth slipped down to his throat.

"All right, all right. Tell me the plan, then. I suppose I can at least hear you out."

"The plan," Sirius said quietly, his mouth still against Remus' skin, "is to go downstairs with James and Peter, then disappear into that broom cupboard on the third floor. We can have a nice, healthy shag against the wall, and they can deal with the Bubotuber pus and the dried Flitterbloom leaves."

Remus smiled. "All right. I'm in."