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They’d just had a baby! This was supposed to be a time filled with cheer and joy.
Bringing a life into the world was such an amazing feeling, after a tough pregnancy and an even tougher labour holding their baby in his arms was supposed to make everything feel better, but it didn’t.
Jeonghan felt none of the happiness his dam had spoken to him about and none of the warmth and pure delight he’d read about. Instead he felt anxious and even worse irritated.
Insecurities built as he held the crying baby in his arms and the nurses congratulated him whilst Jisoo cried in glee.
Why wouldn’t it stop crying? Why wasn’t it feeling comforted by its dam’s scent? Why wasn’t it anything like he’d expected? Why had Jeonghan even agreed to have a baby? It was clear he wasn’t fit for it! It was clear he wasn’t good enough for his baby and that his alpha had ruined his life by mating him! It was clear that the only thing he should do for his baby is leave it!
His grip on the screaming baby loosened as tears formed in his eyes. A baby was everything he’d ever wanted and yet when he finally got it regrets formed in his mind.
Jisoo gently took the baby from Jeonghan’s arms and looked over with worry sensing the unease wafting off Jeonghan in waves. Emptiness lingered in Jeonghan’s eyes as his scent grew stronger and stronger with negativity.
Almost as if his soul had been released from his body, Jeonghan lay unassuming on the hospital bed, detached from the world and trapped in his brain; his soul staring down at him. Everything was too much and yet nothing all the same time. Hitting him in full force with no rest: his heartbeat loud in his ears, the heat of the lights an uncomfortable warmth on his sweaty body, the increasing sound of what sounds like sobbing invades his ear drums and the wetness of what he realises must be him crying overwhelms his senses. If only everything would stop, just for a second. It’s all too muffled for him to understand, as if he was trapped on an aeroplane that had been landing yet never seemed to hit the ground. An overload of many, many sounds unfiltered and clamorous.
Too much, noise, lights, sensation, all bombard his body.
An invisible weight of discomfort subdued him creating a distance between him and the world, leaving him unable to see any tangible future which included him in his child and his Alpha’s life. They both deserved greater, sweeter, kinder, more. They deserved more than Jeonghan.
There’s no balance of emotion, he’s practically imprisoned on a rollercoaster, his emotions rising up and down going from zero to one hundred, everything and then nothing all at once.
A sudden tranquility quells his qualms but it’s unnatural and involuntary, as his eyes shut closed and his brain forcefully relaxes he hears a mumbled sorry from Jisoo as his alpha’s hand strokes his hair till Jeonghan drifts to sleep.
Jeonghan awakened: disorientated and weary, a sharp cramping in his stomach and a gentle hum dancing through his ears. His alpha’s soothing voice comforted Jeonghan through his confusion as the blearing hospital lights blinded his eyes, slowing him down from coming to his senses.
“You feel better now baby?” Jisoo asks, worry coating his tone.
Jeonghan’s unsure, too muddled to understand how he feels but too drained to even attempt to explain how he’s feeling, he looked around once realising the baby wasn’t in his alpha’s arms; panic arose.
Blood pounded in his ears and his vision disfigured as he looked around the hospital room that had begun to spin in disarray. The cramps he had grown used to overbeared him distracting all his thoughts from the fear of his child being missing towards the pain of after birth. Why couldn’t this all just be over! Had he not suffered enough? Was his body aching and his brain in chaos not enough?
An uncontrollable restlessness infiltrated him as his mind became increasingly disjointed, leaving him with an impending sense of doom as his mouth dried and his body became heavy, leaving him stuck on his bed unable to search for his baby.
Had they taken him away? Did they realise Jeonghan wouldn’t be a good parent? Were his thoughts heard? Did Jisoo tell them he wasn’t a good enough omega? Was he going to unmate him and leave Jeonghan alone forever? Was-
Did-
Had-
His chest tightened and his breath fastened, unable to stop his thoughts from causing him much more mental trauma. Why couldn’t he have had one of those perfect births and look and feel amazing after? Why did he have to struggle through this mental turmoil?
Jun had said the pain of childbirth had been wiped away filling him only with an overdrive of love as soon as he held his baby in his arms, yet all Jeonghan felt was regret. His dam had said it felt like all the darkness in the world had been destroyed when she held him in her arms and yet Jeonghan just felt frustration at his baby crying. His sister said all she could think after she had her baby was an unending infinite feeling of love yet Jeonghan had felt none of that.
Maybe it was a good job Jeonghan had the baby taken off him, it was clear he’d be the worst parent known to mankind and he’d poisoned Jisoo’s life by mating him. Perhaps things would be better if he no longer forced Jisoo to be with him, no longer forced his friends to pretend they liked him, forced his family to act like they didn’t wish they hadn’t had an alpha for a son and didn’t even give himself the chance to force his child to live with a dam like him: a failure.
Ignoring the agonising pain Jeonghan tried to sit up wanting to be anywhere but the hospital room but was laid back down almost instantly as if the person had been waiting for him to try and get out of bed. The comforting scent of caramel and ground coffee tickled his nostrils as he relaxed at the smell of his alpha near him, no matter all the worries he’d have just the waft of Jisoo’s scent soothed him.
Once Jisoo had tucked Jeonghan back to bed he turned to sit in his seat but was pulled back by an arm tugging his cardigan, he looked down at Jeonghan a reassuring smile painting his face as he saw the nervousness stained on Jeonghan’s face a look so rare that had now become Jeonghan’s main expression the smiley and confident omega he knew gone in the struggle of pregnancy.
“A-a-alpha” the voice whispers dry and strained from the overuse and dehydration, “where’s baby?”
Jisoo smiles to himself as he gently removes Jeonghan’s grip and goes to pick their son up passing him to his omega his scent sweeting as Joenghan’s sweetens too, but the moment is ruined as Jeonghan’s scent begins to dull in sadness and a hopeless look takes over his face. Jisoo wished to see his mate smile.
“Hannie…” Jisoo sighs unsure what to say and how to say it, “are you okay?”
Jeonghan nods and smiles a small smile before going back to looking at their son with a melancholic longing Jisoo just couldn’t place.
Jeonghan sensed his alpha unease and sweetened his scent not wanting to give Jisoo any more reasons on why he should leave the disaster of an omega Jeonghan was, “I’m just overwhelmed.”
That relaxes Jisoo but Jeonghan knows that he’ll have to keep the facade up to fully keep Jisoo’s mind clear: at least until his brain goes back to normal, at least until his omega learns how to be a good dam.
They’d been allowed to return home the day after the labour and jeonghan was anything but ready to be left alone with his son all day every day. Jisoo had only been permitted a ten day paternity leave and once those days were up it was just Jeonghan and their baby: all alone.
Those ten days were fastest ten days of his life, having his alpha by his side always there to take the baby when he sensed even the slightest hint of tiredness or discomfort was something Jeonghan had really grown to appreciate and rely on yet as he sat alone his baby in his arms and Jisoo at work Jeonghan knew he couldn’t do this.
He wasn’t good enough to raise a child, an entire human being!
He could tell someone but there was a risk they’d think less of him, omegas were supposed to have a natural instinct to instantly understand how to care for a child yet Jeonghan felt none of it. The effort it’d take to confide in someone for them to most likely hate him after they realised what a horrible parent, omega and person he was just didn’t seem worth it. Besides, he was sure this feeling would disappear soon.
It didn’t disappear.
Jeonghan awoke everyday dreading what was to come, he plastered a smile on his face until Jisoo went to work and spent the rest of the day wishing he didn’t have to get up. Have to move. Have to comfort a crying baby, feed, change and care for his son. Why was it so much hard work?
It’s not like he was expecting it to be easy, not in the slightest, yet all the happiness that came with bringing a baby into the world was missing leaving him with an unruly emptiness he couldn’t quite place and wouldn’t dare to open up about. There were stories of alpha’s leaving their omega’s after they weren’t good enough parents for their child; if that happened to him he wasn’t sure at all how he’d live through it.
Sometimes when their son wouldn’t stop crying no matter what Jeonghan did , no matter everything Jeonghan tried: changing his nappy, a bottle, a bath, a hug, scenting, a nap, anything at all a baby could need his strength waivered. As he sat with a crying baby who couldn’t be consoled he wondered if it’d be worth it to take the chance of opening up to Jisoo, of telling him how much he was struggling but his insecurities held him back.
Maybe opening up to a fellow omega would be better.
A month after Jeonghan had got back home Jun and Seokmin paid him a visit, the relief he felt when he saw his friends engulfed him and he wished they could of visited sooner but he knew that for the health of the baby it was better form them to spend their first month with their parents so they could grow used to their scent.
Jeonghan had finally had a chance to relax since the birth, laying down on the couch whilst Jun held his son and Seokmin made tea; a big smile on his face. With his alpha at work everyday, trying to catch up on paperwork and meetings from those two weeks paternity leave he had left Jeonghan alone with his son for practically all day. So being able to spend a whole day with adults was a comfort Jeonghan didn’t know he quite needed as much as he did.
“He’s so cute!” Seokmin squeals as he places the cups on the table and reaches for the baby from Jun’s arm, “aren't you, Jiyeongie?” Seokmin tapped Jiyeong’s nose, his face full of happiness.
Yet the joy of seeing his best friends coo over his baby was destroyed when Jeonghan realised he hadn’t even referred to his baby as anything but “it” or “baby”, he had been so stuck in his struggles of parenthood he hadn’t even connected with Jiyeong: his own child.
Instantly he was overwhelmed and being surrounded by comforting scents and fellow omegas his feelings bubbled up until he couldn’t hold in his tears a sudden sob escaping from his mouth as he saw the boys turn to him in worry.
“Hannie...what’s wrong?” Seokmin asks a worried grimace on his face as Jun walks over, instantly engulfing Jeonghan in a firm, soothing hug. The chance at receiving the reassuring hug only another omega could provide filled him with tears leaving him unable to even explain how he felt.
Jeonghan knew that for the health of their baby they should only be with their dam and sire for the first month but being alone with only Jiyeong for comfort was very difficult, especially when he couldn’t help but feel this continuous impending sense of doom and an unexplainable slither of melancholy that sticks with him everyday, all day; keeping him trapped in his self isolated bubble unable to even go to Jisoo for support.
Now he had the chance to open up, it was a struggle for him to let the words leave his mouth afraid they’d believe him to be an Inadequate dam: an untrustworthy parent, a useless omega!
Sensing the worry radiating off Jeonghan and hearing the baby begin to whine as he realised his dam was become more and more irritated Jun gently moved Jeonghan to the direction of his bedroom letting out a soft scent of calmness, Jun smiled as he heard Seokmin hum to the baby calming Jiyeong down in a matter of seconds.
They sat on Jeonghan and Jisoo’s bed, Jun stroking Jeonghan’s hair as his soft sobs grew quieter and his scent began to calm.
Finally, Jeonghan relaxed knowing his baby was safe with Seokmin. He opened up, tentatively at first but soon became completely comfortable and able to explain to Jun everything he’d been too scared to say.
As he sat in the living room feeding Jiyeong the conversation with Jun behind him and the quick scenting session from Seokmin and Jun before they had to leave to meet their alphas left Jeonghan soothed; as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. This type of tranquillity hadn’t been felt by Jeonghan for a long time and his confidence grew as he prepared himself to tell Jisoo exactly how he had been feeling his fears of being thrown aside or embarrassed for struggling to take care of his child had been destroyed by his friends, both Jun and Seokmin reassuring him that Jisoo would only be supportive and nothing else but that.
Yet his anxiousness spiked as he heard the key in the door. Jiyeong was asleep, it was long past his bedtime and usually Jeonghan would be sleeping too but if he wanted to speak to Jisoo he had to do it now. Before he’d shy away and never do it and so he stayed awake through this tiredness, waiting for Jisoo to come home but now the opportunity was here he was regretting staying awake. Maybe when he told Jisoo how he was struggling with parenthood all his fears would come true. This was a bad idea and all Jeonghan could feel was regret.
“Hannie?” Jisoo questions surprised to see his omega awake so late, “you okay?”
This was the moment, if only he could get the words out. It had never been so hard to open up to Jisoo and yet ever since they’d had Jiyeong it was as if a wall had been built that they couldn’t quite get past, all Jeonghan wanted was to feel that easy comfort from his alpha to be told that his he felt wasn’t his fault but that couldn’t be promised; and Jeonghan truly didn’t want to risk his alpha leaving him.
Jisoo sensed the spike Jeonghan’s scent and worry overcame him, he had to admit he’d been so busy catching up on work that he had been quite distant and even though he knew omega’s needed a lot of comfort and support after a birth it was becoming extremely hard to balance work life and home life; Jisoo hadn’t thought a baby would be as much work as it was, he went to work to support his family and yet seeing his mate sob on the couch looking so alone Jisoo realised he hadn’t been a very good alpha at all, what was the worth of supporting his partner and child finance wise if he wasn’t there for them emotionally.
Jisoo needed to sort his priorities out; as a louder sobbed burst from Jeonghan, Jisoo practically ran to Jeonghan enveloping him in a well needed hug whilst mumbling words of comfort.
Jisoo awoke drained after a long and tiring talk with Jeonghan last night, Jisoo wished he could stay with Jeonghan today but with a determined mind Jisoo was prepared to ask for less days in work, he needed to be there for his omega and for his child right now and he felt immense guilt for not realising that earlier.
Thankfully his boss was extremely flexible, understanding he needed to be there for his family but also scolding him for putting work before his family. Jisoo recognised that his need to be seen as a strong alpha by being able to support his family had actually hurt not just Jeonghan but himself. No one expected him to be able to come to work so early without having longer than two weeks to bond with his son and yet because of his own insecurities he forced himself to power through the long hours never having the chance to see his family, things were going to change.
Jisoo returns from work in the afternoon looking for Jeonghan, but the house is silent. He walks into their bedroom seeing his omega asleep with Jiyeong lay next to Jeonghan: awake staring at his dam. A warmth spreads through Jisoo’s chest as he picks his son up taking him to the living room, giving Jeonghan some time to sleep. Having some free time with his son felt wonderful and Jisoo can’t understand why he ever thought throwing himself into work was the way to go, being able to spend time with his family was all he could wish for, the peaceful moment destroyed when a panicked Jeonghan ran into the room his scent so strong and anxious Jiyeong began to wail.
Jeonghan’s scent instantly calmed at the sound of his baby crying as he snatched Jiyeong forcefully out of Jisoo’s arms and he held him close to his chest turning away back to their bedroom. Jisoo was unsure what to do, never having experienced his omega be so hostile towards him, but he knew despite the fear of saying the wrong thing he had to be there to comfort Jeonghan. Jisoo slinked into their bedroom, his scent as soothing as possible as he tensed slightly once Jeonghan turned to him a pitiful look on his face.
“I’m really sorry Jisoo, we’ve just had that talk yesterday and yet I’ve already tried to distance myself from you and your son from you-I never meant to come across as so rude and yet when I woke and Yeongie wasn’t next me I felt so anxious, I just didn’t know what to do…” Jeonghan trails off for a moment unsure what to say after the hurried outburst but continues before Jisoo can reply, “I guess I just need to get used to you being here again.” He finishes and Jisoo’s heart almost breaks at how lonely Jeonghan’s last sentence sounded, Jisoo really had been an awful alpha but he was prepared to change.
“Hannie I understand and like I said last night I haven’t been there for you so it’s no question that you’d treat me like that after I took Jiyeong without you knowing but I’m prepared to be there for you…” Jisoo stops carefully preparing his next sentence, “and I also have researched and I believe you could have postpartum depression.” Jisoo awaits, hoping Jeonghan can see how much he wants to help him and that he doesn’t think anything less of him for feeling the way he does, and as if a star was shining right on their house he sees Jeonghan smile at him with that mischievous grin he’d missed.
“You're so cute Joshuji,” he laughs, “researching all for me.” Jeonghan’s smile slowly goes but his scent stays the same comforting mix of vanilla and honey. “I believe you may be right…Junnie and Minnie also mentioned I could have it but back then I didn’t want to believe it but now, after we’ve talked I think getting some help could be good.” Jeonghan stares with so much love in his eyes that Jisoo can’t help but break down, rushing to Jeonghan on the bed scenting his omega and son so thoroughly until Jeonghan’s scent is all drowned out.
“I’ll get you some help baby, you don’t have to do this alone anymore.”