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"Aaaaaah~, it's finally over!" Karen stretched her arms after the long graduation ceremony. The principal had droned on and on about students enjoying their youth, spreading their wings now that they were adults and other metaphors that probably went over the head of half the recent graduates. She had almost napped twice.
"It's been a long, but, at the same time, short 3 years..." Miyo agreed, walking along with her friend. Karen was a good 20 cm taller than Miyo, but the girl could keep pace relatively well with her. They were headed for the school gates.
"Hey, we should go for tea one last time at the usual place! With Bambi of course! Where is she anyway?" Karen looked around, wondering if she would be able to see the third part of the Cutie 3 amidst the students filling out of the gym.
"I saw her leave the gym before us." Miyo said softly, as if testing the waters "The stars said she would be at that place... The church...".
Ah, yes, Karen had almost forgotten it. The school legend. Every year, on graduation day, if two lovers met at the isolated school church and confessed their love for each other under the stained glass, their love would be eternal. At one time a prince and princess were involved, but Karen didn't know the details.
It made sense for Bambi to be there. Sasaki Mizuki, A.K.A. Bambi, was a beautiful, intelligent, and interesting girl. She had been dubbed the "Rose Queen" that year, a school tradition celebrating the most accomplished young woman in the third year, as Karen and Miyo had known she would. All the girls wanted to be her and all the boys were interested in her. If she was at the church, that probably meant she was interested in one of them too. So, in the end, the legend would come true once again. The princess had found her prince, huh…?
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"Baaaaaambi~! Found ya!"
Mizuki turned around after a few seconds. Karen could tell she was still getting used to the cute nickname her new school friends had given her, school friends meaning Karen herself. But what could Karen do? She really did look like Bambi from the movie! With those big brown eyes and that cute face.
The three of them, Karen, Miyo and Mizuki, were going out for the first time since entering high school and meeting each other. The plan was to watch a movie and after that maybe do a bit of shopping. Karen was very excited. It had been a while since she had girl friends of her age to simply… hang out and have fun with.
"Ah, Hanatsubaki-san, good you're here! And Ugajin-san as well!" Bambi said, looking quickly between the odd pair. They couldn't be more dissimilar. Karen was tall for a woman, with short black hair and very fashionable clothes, using all the latest trends. Miyo was small, smaller even than Bambi, stockier, with long auburn hair and bangs, and, if Karen was honest, with clothes that made her still look like she was in junior high. Mizuki, or better yet, Bambi, was average height, with chin length brown hair. Karen could tell she was trying to follow her advice to dress more smartly by reading Karen's uncle's monthly fashion column. Knowing that she had listened to Karen and actually followed through with her advice made Karen's heart feel warm.
"Now, now, Bambi, what did I tell you? Just call me Karen! No need to be so formal between us, we're friends!" she said, a skip in her step as she approached the other girl.
"Me as well, just call me Miyo," the smaller girl added in her quiet voice.
Bambi paused a bit before saying with a smile on her face "Okay… Thank you, Karen and Miyo. You can just call me Mizuki as well."
"No way! Bambi is Bambi!"
"Geez..."
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"Eeeh~, so we really did lose her, huh? Ah, it must be nice… The guy who is meeting her is so lucky... Having Bambi as his princess..." She sighed, casting her eyes to the ground and ignoring the pull in her heart. She would miss her friend, but she would survive. It was the natural way in life, right? Men and women meeting each other, spending time together, and then one day realizing they were each other's everything.
Someday that would happen to Karen too, surely. It hadn't yet happened in eighteen years, but Karen always assumed that was because she was a girly-girl. She loved all cute things. Cute clothes, cute stuffed animals, and, of course, what was cuter than girls? Everyone thought like that. Women were just naturally prettier than men, and that was the way things were. She also didn't mind that her naturally tall and slim frame and her athletic abilities helped her gain the attention of many girls. Sometimes it could make her uncomfortable, because it seemed like they were interested only in their image of the famous Hanatsubaki Karen, but most of the time she let it slide and tried to appreciate all the attention and opportunities her name had given her.
But Bambi had never been like that. She had never cared about Karen's family and their reputation. She didn't find Karen's love of cute things weird. They had become fast friends and, together with Miyo, formed the Cutie 3. After all those outings, sleepovers, walks from home, tea after school... She just understood who Karen was. Thinking that brought a smile to Karen's face.
"Karen, you won't go?" Miyo's words broke her train of thoughts.
"Eh, what do you mean?" she lifted her eyes to meet the auburn-haired girl's, widening them in confusion.
Miyo sighed profusely, as if carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
"I can't do this anymore. Karen, listen to me" she grabbed Karen's face between her hands, making it impossible for her to look anywhere else "You're going to lose Bambi. Is that ok for you? Are you satisfied with letting her go and someone else having her heart?"
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"Karen, stop fidgeting!" Bambi exclaimed in aggravation.
"Yeah, Karen, you're just making Bambi's work more difficult," Miyo said from the spare futon on the floor, lazily looking at and passing through the pages of some magazine. She had simply said 'Pass' in typical Miyo fashion when Karen presented her idea of doing each other's makeup during their sleepover. Miyo had no interest in fashion and dolling herself up, proudly saying she still wore the clothes her mom bought for her. So that meant only Bambi and Karen would participate.
Karen had already finished the other girl and now it was her turn. Bambi was propped on top of her by her knees, holding an eye shadow brush, with Karen lying down between her legs on the bed. Their awkward position was due to the lighting in the room or something like that, honestly Karen had no idea. This was not the first time she regretted her big mouth and her "great" ideas.
Thank god, they were at the stage of the process where Karen had her eyes closed, with Bambi's face literally inches from hers. All she could do was hold her hands to her chest, not knowing what to do with them, and sometimes squirm. She thought she was keeping still enough, considering Bambi was right on top of her , but apparently not.
The soft brush lightly patted her eyelids. Next would be the mascara and eyeliner and then the final stages with the lipstick. So, considering they were already done with the skin portion, they were roughly at the middle way. Karen would have to hang in there at least another 15 minutes. That was easier said than done.
She could feel Bambi's delicate breath. Her chest rising and falling. A few strands of loose hair from her ponytail were tickling Karen's forehead. Her eyes intently watching her own work and, thus, going over Karen's face slowly. It was all too much and, at the same time, never enough.
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Karen's heart started beating rapidly in her chest. Her stomach did a somersault. Her hands instantly became clammy. No, no, no, not this. Freeing herself from Miyo's small hands, she took two steps behind and laughed awkwardly.
"Miyo~! What's gotten into you! I can't go meet Bambi in the church, we're both women!" Her voice came out more strained than she intended, even to her own ears. "After all, the legend says the prince and princess meet there and they love each other forever, isn't that right?"
"Women can love each other like the prince and princess in the legend, Karen." She said matter-of-factly. "In any case, the legend says two lovers, it doesn't specify a man and a woman. So, I'm going to ask you again: Are you ok with losing Bambi?"
The smaller girl locked Karen in her gaze. Miyo was a petite girl, but she had a gaze powerful enough to stop men double her size in their place. Anyway, what was she saying?? Of course Karen knew women could love each other in that way… In a… Romantic way. Oh god, even thinking about it made her mouth go dry.
Karen had heard about them, seen them in the media, sometimes even gotten a vibe from certain women in public… But Japan was a conservative country in all aspects, including this. Things were getting more liberal with time, that was true, but she had never seen women loving each other openly, with no shame, no fear. It was still seen as something people needed to do behind doors, an open secret, but a secret anyways. At best, women like that were seen as a waste - they would never have grandchildren for their parents. At worst they were something sinful, dirty, a cautionary tale.
Was Miyo implying Karen was one of them? One of those women? How do you even answer a question like that? A thought struck her and Karen felt her heart stop. The fact that Miyo even made such a question meant that Karen had given her signs she could be one. Oh no, and she thought she was hiding so well…
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"Eh, Bambi, have you always been there??" She said to the girl by her side on the roof. The sunset color painted the whole scene in tones of gentle orange and red. Mizuki looked at her, again with those eyes. She had seen Karen running to the top of the stairs to the school roof, trying to escape her so-called fans. Fans, right… They were fans of the persona Karen presented. The polite, talented, Karen. And she was done trying to pretend that wasn't the case. She was a person. An individual. She was Karen, and Karen just by chance happened to be a Hanatsubaki. But no one else could see that, not even the teachers. No one part from Miyo and Bambi.
And she had just said all that out loud, pretending not to know Bambi had followed her and was right there. She just couldn't take it anymore and, when realisation hit, the words had already left her lips, exposing the raw ugly truth. She thought Mizuki would interrupt her, saying how lucky she was to be from a prestigious family. Instead, she just listened. Oh God, she actually listened. She now knew a part of her that no one else knew. All the resentment of being put in a box at birth, all the dislike she had for her fanclub, how sometimes she wished to leave it all behind.
Karen's eyes pleaded silently to the other girl "Please, play along. Please don't dwell on it". There was only so much she could take in a day. Some truths she wasn't ready to face directly just yet.
Finally, Bambi said "No, I just got here," and smiled. Karen let out a breath, her shoulders lowering. They shared a smile between themselves. Maybe one day Karen would be able to tell her all these things again, this time looking her in the eyes. But, for today, this was fine.
"Well, let's go find Miyo then and have some tea on the walk back home, how about that?" Karen said, already heading for the door.
"Yeah… That sounds great," and, delicately, interlaced her fingers with Karen's. The area immediately grew hotter and Karen wondered if Bambi could feel her skin go clammy. "Thank you for trusting me," was all she said, still holding her hand.
Karen didn't answer. She just squeezed Bambi's hand, a solitary tear falling down her right cheek, and together they went down the stairs. All was right, as long as she was with her.
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She tried to keep her distance. It helped that most people were too enamoured with the Hanatsubaki name to really see who Karen was. The Hanatsubakis were famous in society, a rich family that made their name in several fields, but especially in the fashion world. Thus, everything she did had a consequence to her name. She was raised to flow effortlessly through the echelons of high society, to know when and how to speak, to be a perfect representation of a Hanatsubaki. And she had done it! She got into a prestigious school, was a star volleyball player for the team, managed her own accessories' store, lived by herself, and would be going to Paris for university to study fashion that fall, just as her great uncle had done.
And yet she still longed for true connections. And the only people whom she had allowed in, the only exceptions, were Miyo… And Bambi. What could be the harm after all? Those 3 years with them had been amazing, no other words could describe it. For the first time she knew what true friendship was. They were always together, could always count on each other, tell each other everything. Everything except… It was easier to focus on Bambi's love life. Miyo didn't seem to be interested in that stuff, for herself at least. And, since she wasn't interested in the guys at school, Karen focused on Bambi, to support her officially. That's what friends did after all, right?
But, somewhere along the way, she had slipped up. Miyo knew. She knew that Karen longed for other women. To feel their soft skin, to hear their melodic laughs, to brush hands with them, to… To kiss them. If she thought her heart had been beating fast, now it could very well keep pace with a rock band. Her vision danced, her hands pressed together her uniform's skirt, her breath stopped in her throat.
"Miyo… I… Please, please don't tell any-"
"I don't care, Karen," she interrupted. "I don't care that you like women and I don't intend on telling anyone else, because it's none of my business. I've watched you love Bambi from a distance for all those three years thinking one day you would do something or at least realize your true feelings. But, please, I can't do this anymore. Today is our graduation day, you will probably never see Bambi like this again. Things will change. We will change and go our own ways. It's now or never. You need to tell Bambi."
Karen stared at Miyo, not knowing what to say. Her words reverberated in her mind. She didn't care. She didn't care that Karen felt this way about women. It wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't shameful. She was treating it as just another fact about her friend of 3 years. They were still friends, she wouldn't go around telling others. As if that wasn't absurd enough, now she was telling her to tell Bambi how she felt, treating it as any other sort of love confession.
She burst into tears. "I can't! I can't, Miyo. What if…?" A sob emerged from her throat. Fat tears were rolling on her face, making things hazy, while she stared at the ground. Her hands covered her mouth, willing the sobs to remain inside. What if she hates me? Was what she thought. What if she thinks I'm disgusting? What if this changes everything between us? What if she never wants to be near me again? The thought made her so miserable she couldn't even say it. It took all her effort to not break down crying like a child.
"Bambi is not like that," Karen heard, and felt the other girl's hand on her shoulder. Miyo wasn't much for physical affection, so this surprised Karen as much as if Miyo had hugged her. Karen lifted her face, looking at the other's dark eyes "You know this. She is your friend. You don't need the stars' help for this. Go to her."
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"Bambi!! Happy birthday!!" She yelled across the hall upon seeing one of her best friends for the first time in the day. The other girl smiled affectionately at her, and Karen felt her cheeks warming a bit at such a sincere smile.
"Karen! Thank you so much!"
"Here, take this! It's a present, I made it myself" She handed the small present box to Bambi, their hands lightly touching at the fingertips. The skin where they touched was hot as if she had burned it.
"Oh, Karen, you shouldn't have," Bambi replied and started opening the present, dismantling the ribbon. Karen's heart was beating rapidly, almost drowning out the chatter of the busy hallway. Inside, there was a smallish stuffed deer toy, with huge eyes, crocheted by hand. The color of the deer's fur was almost exactly the color of Mizuki's hair. She stared at the stuffed animal, speechless.
"So… Do you like it…?" Karen said, eyeing the brown haired girl anxiously, watching for her reaction. She just kept staring at it. Karen didn't know what that meant. "Oh, I'm sorry, you must hate it, I will get you some-"
"I LOVE IT!!" Bambi exclaimed, turning quickly to look at Karen's eyes, a huge smile on her face and… Teary eyes? "Karen, this is amazing!! You did this by hand?? No one has ever done something like this for me, it's incredible, I love it so much!" She enveloped Karen in a tight warm hug, her arms around Karen's shoulders.
Karen was caught by surprise with the reaction, a complete 180º from what she was anticipating mere seconds ago, and now it was her turn to not know how to react. Mizuki was hugging her. Tightly. She said she had loved the gift. Karen had spent more time on it than she cared to admit. Some would say that that time was probably better spent by studying for finals or entrance exams. But ever since she had gotten the idea for the stuffed animal, she couldn't get it out of her head. She was a creative hands on person and knew exactly how to do it. And it would be a present for Bambi, a dear friend… She was in the middle of the project when she realized and then it was a waste to let go.
She smiled as well, hugging Bambi back with all her strength. The girl's hair smelled faintly floral. She was so small and delicate in her arms. She fit as if she had always belonged there. Their cheeks were touching and Karen could tell she was still smiling. Time could stop at that moment, if it depended on Karen. But it didn't and the hug ended sooner than she wished.
"Karen, I love it! And I love you!"
Time had definitely stopped now. The words echoed in her head, again and again like waves in the sea. Her breath hitched. Not for the first time, Karen wished her brain had an auto-record function, so she could play as many times as she wished the images and sounds of Mizuki saying those words again and again. She was staring at her, eyes half closed, all affection radiating from her face. This girl… She had no idea the power she had over her. And it was better this way. No one could ever know, least of all her.
"I… I love you too, Bambi" Karen smiled as she said it. A part of her wanted to continue, wanted to express this love in a different manner, but she kept it behind lock and key, as usual. She could feel the dam that held all these complicated feelings bursting, yearning to be freed. But it would hold, it had to.
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Miyo was right. Bambi was one of her best friends. They had exchanged class notes, presents, countless stories and secrets. She was a gentle soul, always with a smile on her face. She loved Karen. But was it like Karen loved her? She took a deep breath to steady herself.
"You're… You're right! I have to go! Miyo, I have to go right now, I can't lose her!" and, without waiting for an answer, she took off in a dash towards the secluded area of the school church.
Miyo watched her go, with a small smile on her lips and said "Good luck," turning towards the school gates to meet her parents.
The school grounds rushed by her as she ran with all her strength and agility developed during all those volleyball practices. Faces passed her by, someone shouted "Oi, watch out!", but none of them were of whom she longed to see. Her legs relished the movement, recognised the motions, carrying her towards her goal. She had never been to the church personally, but she knew where it was, like every Habataki student knew. Everyone dreamed about being the prince or the princess. All those times together, all the smiles and hugs and moments they had shared, how could Karen not have seen? Not understood? All she could do now was pray that she wasn't late, that she wouldn't see Bambi walking out of the church with someone else's hand in hers.
At last, she saw the church with its distinct western style. Hours had seemed to pass between now and the graduation ceremony, but it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes, she could still be inside. The wood doors were open. The air inside was cool and still. She saw a motion of brown chin length hair inside, framed by the iconic stained glass that adorned the church's outer wall, with the famous princess and prince that gave origin to the school's most famous legend. Karen could recognise that figure anywhere.
"Baaaaaambi~! Found ya!"