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In this very moment, on a rainy Tuesday afternoon more than ever Stiles wanted to die . He didn’t care if it was from the Earth opening up beneath him and swallowing him whole, or if it came from his soul leaving this plane of existence. But at that very moment, Stiles wanted to die very, very much.
He groaned, and rolled over onto his stomach. A whine escaped his lips when his whole body groaned with him in pain. It felt like there was an alien inside of his stomach, biting his intestines and tearing him open from the inside out and he absolutely hated it. Biting his bottom lip, Stiles scrunched his body up into a ball before clenching his eyes shut as hard as possible. He hoped the pain would just suddenly vanish and when it didn't, he pondered the idea of crawling over to Deaton’s clinic and asking the man for a magical potion to knock him out until the end of the week. Hell the month! Stiles just wanted the pain and misery to end.
The sound of his window squeaking open had his body tightening up.
There was the thud of something heavy dropping as if to announce it’s appearance but Stiles didn’t even have it in him to jump and spasm at the uninvited visitor.
“Go away .” He growled, sounding nothing more than a little baby kitten that just had its milk taken away from it.
Said uninvited, unwanted and unnecessary visitor paused like he was contemplating those words. But then Stiles felt the air move around him and sighed when Derek ventured further into his room.
“You haven’t been to the past pack meetings, I was worried you were hurt.” Stiles can just sense the Alpha crossing his arms over his chest at this very moment. Huffing, Stiles rubbed his face against the soft sheets of his pillow and winced when his abdomen stabbed itself.
“M’ fine. Just want to be left alone right now.”
The floorboards creaked in worry, and Derek stepped closer, “Stiles? What’s wrong? Did you get hurt after the last encounter with that Omega, why haven’t you been-”
Stiles hears a deep inhale behind him, and screams when Derek pushes his nose right against the base of his neck.
He flips over and slaps the man on the shoulder, “Dude, what the hell ! Personal space! I know it’s hard for your wolfy brain to comprehend but I-”
“You’re bleeding .”
The way those words seem to wretch Stiles’s insides and turn him into a mess says a lot about his emotional state.
“Can you just fuck off! I said I wanted to be left alone, ok. I’m fucking fine, Derek.” He snaps, jerking himself back away from the man as he feels the humiliation and horror wrap around him like a frozen blanket.
“Why are you-Stiles, where are you bleeding? Do you need to go to the hospital? Fuck-” Derek moves forward and Stiles leans backwards.
“What? Derek, stop , I’m fine-”
“Fine? You’re bleeding!”
“Derek!” Stiles yells when the man won’t stop moving and trying to pull Stiles off the bed. The older man freezes and Stiles can see the worry and fear on the Alpha’s face, which strikes him as odd. He’s never seen Derek look so worried like this, the man’s always held this picturesque look of calm and collected. But five minutes into stepping into Stiles’s room and suddenly he looks like he’s about to crumble.
“Derek, I’m fine, seriously.” Stiles lowers his voice, hoping it’ll calm the wolf down.
“But you’re bleeding. I can smell it, there’s so much blood.”
“Yeah, because I’m on my period.” Stiles shrugs off the words like the don't feel as if he’s stabbed himself in the stomach. Although, that just might be the cramps.
Derek looks frozen, and then tilts his head to the side like a puppy would, “Period? What. But you’re a guy, only girls can get those.”
Stiles stares at Derek.
And then he stares for a little longer. He stares for another minute before reality snaps him like a rubber band and he feels himself sitting up a little straighter.
“What do I smell like to you? Like-Like do i smell like a guy , or-” He chokes at the last part, feeling the anxiety chew at his throat.
“Of course you smell like a guy, Stiles. You smell like you and blood. Stiles, what's wrong?”
Stiles feels his chest crush and expand so big it’s like he’s going to explode. I smell like a guy, Derek doesn’t know. He doesn’t fucking know. I can’t fucking believe he can’t smell that. Covering his face with his hands, Stiles chokes on a bubbling fit of laughter. His shoulders shaking and his body vibrating from the well of emotions surging through his body.
“Stiles?”
Sniffing, and wiping his face, Stiles smiles up at the werewolf, “Uh, yeah...so, I-I’m trans. That’s why I have a period even though I’m a guy.”
The older man blinks at Stiles like he’s speaking code to him and Stiles wonders momentarily if maybe Derek isn’t as accepting as he thought he was. He holds back the flinch that wants to bite him when Derek sits on the edge of his bed, the man is still quiet. Too quiet for Stiles’s taste and it makes him squirm on his bed until Derek looks at him and opens his mouth.
“I’m going to be completely honest with you, but I don't know what that means.” Derek tells him openly.
“You don’t?”
Derek shakes his head so Stiles takes a moment to breathe before continuing.
“So uh, yeah being bi isn’t the only color of the rainbow I am. I’m uh, I’m a trans guy. Transexual is the full word; but basically it means that i was born the wrong gender so I’m taking hormone treatment and testosterone to become the gender I was meant to be born.” Derek nods his head at this.
“So, you were born a-” Derek stops, his eyebrows scrunch together and Stiles would find it adorable if he wasn’t so terrified at this moment. “And that’s why you’re bleeding?”
“Yeah, unfortunately I still have to deal with a couple more periods but my doctor said that they’ll go away later on. Which is going to be awesome, I can’t wait to kiss those fucking bitches goodbye. They’re the worst fucking thing in the world.” Stiles settles back against his headboard.
Derek scratches his scruff ridden chin and nods his head, “So, if-I’m sorry if I’m overstepping but I’m still confused. You look very…you look like a guy, I don’t-how-”
“Months of testosterone and a binder can fix a lot of body dysphoria, dude.” When Derek gives him a look Stiles explains, “Uh, yeah, I wear binders to um, you know hide my um boobs. But I have my top surgery scheduled for the end of this year, so only like three more months and then I’m free of these things forever. Scotty’s already got off for the week so he can help me around the house. Since I’m gonna be useless.”
He winces when his abdomen screams and claws at him in the form of cramps. God, he can’t wait to be over with this shit.
Derek lifts his hand up, “Can I?” The air is open for an invitation for Derek to take some pain, and usually Stiles would bitch and whine that he can handle it but in this very moment he would gladly accept some magical werewolf mojo.
Nodding his head, Stiles pats the empty spot on the bed next to him for Derek to sit against. What he isn’t expecting is for Derek to maneuver him this way and that until Stiles is lying on his side. Derek’s chest pressed up against his back. For a moment he’s about to open his mouth and complain, but then Derek places his hand under Stiles’s shirt and onto his stomach and then it feels like the sun came out. And add onto all that, Derek is a fucking furnance which makes Stiles melt and sniff. He wants to squirm and whine, roll against Derek’s side and bury himself against that comforting heat because fuck does it feel amazing.
“Oh god, ok. You’re my favorite werewolf, don’t tell Scott though. He’ll probably cry.” Stiles groans but for once it’s in pleasure.
Derek snorts behind him, and Stiles shovers a little when the werewolf noses against the hairs on the back of his neck.
“Thanks.” Stiles sighs, feeling like maybe he could get a nap and relax for once.
“You don’t need to thank me, I could smell how much pain you were in.” Derek states.
“That’s not why I’m thanking you.”
Derek stills behind them and then squeezes his arms around Stiles’s body, “If you thought I was going to be disgusted by that, then you must have forgotten the fact that I’m a born werewolf. Stiles, I know what it’s like to be terrified of telling people your secret.” Derek gives him a squeeze, “I’m just happy you felt safe enough to trust me with yours.”
“Well, you’re an important person to me, Sourwolf.” Stiles breathes, feeling like he’s edging at something unspoken between the both of them.
Derek doesn't even hesitate, “You’re important to me too.”
Stiles turns his body around to face the Alpha, “Because I’m pack?”
“No.” Derek swallows, he brings his free hand up to cup the side of Stiles’s face, “Because I care so deeply about you.”
“ Don’t- ” Stiles chokes on the words, “Don’t say things like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t tell if you care about me the same way I care for you. And if it’s not the same then I know I’m going to ruin this entire friendship we struggled to build together. If that were to happen...if I couldn’t have you in my life anymore it would destroy me, Derek.” Stiles wrestles with the truth of his words. Hoping-wishing, Derek can read between the meaning and decipher what Stiles is trying to tell him, and yet wanting to hide from. Keep him away from the big ugly beast called the truth.
If Derek can handle one truth about Stiles and still care for him, then Stiles is happy to keep the Alpha in his life. But if he were to find out the other truth, the thing Stiles hides in the pit of his heart. That big, aching, yearning beast inside of him that claws at his chest until it makes it feel like he’s being constricted by a python. He’s terrified of Derek knowing what he means and being disgusted by him, of turning face and turning him down. Stiles would rather stay silent, keep this aching thing chained up inside of him and through it in a six foot deep hole. Cover it in cement and leave it as an unmarked grave.
Derek strokes his cheek, and Stiles almost forgets what the meaning of breathing is as he waits for the man to answer.
Unimaginably soft lips press against his own, and Stiles feels his whole body shake like waves crashing against a boat as Derek kisses him.
When he pulls back, Stiles is panting as he clings to the shirt on Derek’s body. He presses his flushed face against Derek’s throat and whines when the man pets his hair.
“I know exactly how much you care about me, because it’s the same way I care for you.” Derek tells him.
It’s not an ‘I love you’ but it’s the closest thing to it and Stiles is going to cherish those words forever.
Curling up against Derek’s chest, Stiles pushes a leg between Derek’s to press closer against the older man’s body. Wanting nothing more than to just merge with Derek’s body and never leave the soft, warm comfort they’ve created. One of Derek’s hands is against his lower back leeching the pain from Stiles’s body while the other is petting his hair. Every once in a while Derek presses soft little kisses to Stiles’s forehead which makes the teenager melt into a puddle.
After a moment, Stiles snorts and pulls a hum from Derek.
“You do realize that now I’m going to make you cuddle me all the time, right? Like, I’m a freaking monster for cuddles.” Stiles teases.
“I’m more than fine with that. How about tomorrow you come over and I’ll order pizza, we can eat and then curl up in my bed and I can take your pain away.”
Stiles snickers, “Derek Hale, are you asking me out on a Netflix and chill date? You sly dog. Heh, sly wolf , sorry.”
“Shut up, and go to sleep. God knows you could get some more.” Derek grunts.
“Yes, sir.” Stiles yawns, smiling when Derek’s fingers draw tiny circles against his spine. Closing his eyes, Stiles lets his head rest against Derek’s chin. Already half asleep from the warmth radiating from the other man’s body and feeling himself be lulled to sleep by the drumming of Derek’s heart.