Work Text:
“He loved you.”
“No he didn’t. Or maybe you’re right and he did, but maybe that was part of the problem. He never should have loved me. And I never should have loved him.”
“Levi…”
Tears formed in Levi’s eyes. His jaw clenched, he begged himself to not start crying. He wouldn’t cry over him. He felt the necklace around his neck. It felt so heavy. Sometimes he wanted to wrap it tighter and see if he could choke himself. He was angry, at Erwin, at himself, at everyone. It wasn’t fair.
“He’s the reason I don’t flinch anymore.” Levi said numbly.
Memories flooded Levi’s head. The way Erwin gently touched him, his soft lips on his. The way Erwin hugged him so tightly but made sure to never hurt him. The way Erwin would rub his thumb against his hand when felt anxious. Every type of touch scared him, but Erwin’s touch didnt. Levi could feel his throat getting tighter and he forced himself to stop thinking about him.
Hange just looked at him sadly, not really knowing how to comfort him. Levi didn’t know either. He wanted to be told he was in the right for being mad at Erwin, but he also wanted someone to tell him he was being stupid. Or maybe all he wanted was for Erwin to come back. But that would never happen.
“For so long I flinched. Anytime someone raised their hand near me, my first instinct was to prepare to fight back or protect myself. And he would always have that same sad look in his eyes. He pitied me. I hate being pitied. But for some reason from him it felt comforting.”
“Levi…i’m sorry.”
“I just said I hate being pitied and you go and pity me.” Levi laughed coldly.
“Sorry… I just, Levi what do you want from me? I’m asking genuinely, just tell me and i’ll try my best to help.” Hange said softly but frustration was seeping into their voice.
“I don’t know either. So just let me be.” Levi replied.
Hange sighed, and Levi felt pain in his heart, he knew he was pushing them away but all he wanted was to feel loved, to feel safe.
He watched as Hange stood up from the chair they were sitting in and they quietly left the room. “If you need anything just ask. Okay?” And with that they closed the door.
Levi immediately felt ten times lonelier.
His eyes locked onto a book on his desk. It was Erwin’s book. He gently grabbed it, this book was on the verge of breaking, he was careful to not rip anything.
He opened to the first page, and was immediately met by sketches of what Erwin imagined the ocean to look like. He’s only ever had descriptions of the ocean from textbooks so he tried his best to match his drawings to the description. He knew Erwin liked to draw but he never really saw any of this sketches. The bottom of the picture captioned “Big ocean waves that go on for miles.”
Levi had trouble reading the sentence but he managed to get it right. Erwin was the one who taught Levi how to read. They spent nights reading together. Erwin would read a sentence and Levi would repeat. Eventually Levi was able to read on his own, but sometimes he still had trouble reading some words, but Erwin would always be there to help him.
He turned the page, now there were pictures of various fishes and other aquatic animals. What Levi assumed was a turtle in the corner of the page had Erwin’s handwriting under it again. “I wonder why humans aren’t born with something to protect themselves. I wonder if less people would have died if we were.”
Levi let out a shaky breath. He flipped through a couple more pages but one of them caught his attention. It was a page full of sketches of him.
Levi’s eyes widened as he traced his fingers against the pencil lines. Erwin drew all of these. He didn’t remember Erwin ever drawing in front of him. Did he memorize how his face looked? More writing was underneath a drawing of his face. But he couldn’t read this one. It just didn’t seem like any words he knew. Tears spilled out of his eyes. Why was he getting so upset over not being able to read this? A sob escaped his lips and he grabbed the page and ripped it out. He threw it aside and then picked up the book and threw it against the wall. It caused so many other things to fall but Levi didn’t care. He put his face in his hands and screamed. After a few moments his throat felt like it was on fire, he screamed until he physically couldn’t anymore.
“Did that make you feel better?”
Levi stopped breathing for a moment. His face were still in his hands and he didn’t want to look up in fear of what he would see. This couldn’t be real, of course it couldn’t. He was dead. This isn’t real. But the curiosity and the hope that is was real forced him to look up. And he was met by those same fucking bright blue eyes.
“Erwin…” Levi choked out, his throat still sore.
Erwin picked up the book on the floor and the page that Levi ripped out. He uncrumpled the page and flattened it out. He pointed to the words on the page and read out “Ego autem te amo, et continue vos in omni vita sua. Utinam quidem tibi semper idem”
Levi just stared at him.
“You’re not real.” Levi breathed out.
“I don’t know if i can confirm or deny that statement.” Erwin said as he smiled softly.
Levi stared at the page in Erwin’s hands. He immediately went to hold Erwin’s hand but his hand just went through Erwin’s. Levi’s eyes widened and he moved his hand around desperately trying to touch Erwin, but no matter what he did, his hand just phased through his. Like he wasn’t even there. More tears fell out of Levi’s eyes. He didn’t even think it was possible for him to cry even more.
“I’m sorry.” Erwin said.
“What the fuck is this?” Levi laughed putting his head in his hands again.
“I’m honestly not sure Levi-“
“Fuck you!” Levi yelled out. He watched as Erwin’s eyes widened and his mouth made a little “o”.
“You’re so fucking selfish…” Levi stood up and kicked the wall with his foot. He threw everything that was on his desk onto the floor. “You. Are. Not. Real!” Levi was breathing heavily. He looked down to the floor, there was a mess everywhere. This was stressing him out even more.
Erwin didn’t say anything he just started picking things up from the floor and putting them where they belong.
“Painting or drawing can help.” Erwin said calmly.
“What?” Levi snapped.
Erwin put one of the cups that fell onto the floor into the sink, and he spoke again “Painting helped me when I felt stressed or upset.”
Levi’s eyes looked over to the book again.
“Jesus fuck, I need sleep.” He ran a hand through his hair and continued to look towards the book on his bed. He refused to look Erwin in the eye.
He sat back down on his bed and stared at his hands.
“You’re real. He’s not.” Levi whispered to himself. He took a couple deep breaths and what Erwin said earlier finally registered in his brain.
“What did you say? On the page?” Levi breathed out.
“Ego autem te amo, et continue vos in omni vita sua. Utinam quidem tibi semper idem” Erwin repeated.
“That’s…that’s not english.” Levi said bluntly. Levi had a moment where he thought he was really going crazy and couldn’t understand words anymore.
“You’re right, it’s not.” Erwin confirmed.
“Well what is it then?” Levi asked, still breathing heavily.
“It’s Latin” Erwin answered.
“What the hell is that…oh your fancy english or some shit.” Levi said. Levi recalled Erwin telling him about it once.
Erwin went to place a hand on his shoulder but he remembered he couldn’t touch Levi and brought his hand back.
“Do you want to try to read it?” Erwin grabbed the paper and placed his finger under one of the words.
“Ego autem te amo” Erwin read. Levi stared at him and then glanced down to the words on the page. Even if this wasn’t real it felt nice to have Erwin back.
“Ego autem te amo…” Levi repeated. “Alright what the fuck does that mean?”
“Just focus on being able to read it, i’ll tell you the translation afterwards.”
Levi nodded slowly and then looked back on the page. He would be lying if he said this wasn’t already calming him down.
“et continue vos in omni vita sua.” Erwin said as he pointed to the next set of words.
And again Levi repeated.
“Utinam quidem tibi semper idem” Erwin said softly while looking at Levi. Levi raised an eyebrow but repeated.
“Alright now will you tell me what it means?” Levi asked.
Erwin looked into his eyes and smiled. “It might not be the exact translation, but it roughly translates to “I love you so much, and I will continue to love you in every life I live, my only hope is that you will continue to do the same.”
Levi was speechless, he felt heat rise to his cheeks and he stared into Erwin’s eyes and moved closer to kiss him. But when he felt nothing touch his lips, he only felt the cold air against his lips. He remembered the situation he was in.
“You’re a horrible person, you know that?” Levi said quietly and he slowly moved his face away from Erwin’s
“Do you really mean that?” Erwin asked softly, his eyes flickered with pain.
“No…” Levi replied.
“I’m sorry we can’t touch, I’m unsure why this is happening.”
“‘Cause you’re not even real…you’re dead.” Levi mumbled.
“Maybe i’m a ghost or something similar, i’ve read about paranormal beings in one of my textbooks-“
“Just stop! You’re DEAD. Erwin you’re gone…please just go, to the afterlife or your next life or whatever the fuck it is…please.”
“I don’t know how.” Erwin admitted.
Levi looked towards Erwin and he knew he was telling the truth. He knew not being able to touch pained Erwin as much as it pained Levi. But Erwin was trying to see the positive in this. At least they could speak with each other.
“Well then Smith, are you going to teach me how to draw?” Levi said looking towards the wall.
Erwin grabbed his book and flipped to the back where there were blank pages. He ripped a page out for himself and handed the book to Levi. He grabbed two pencils from the desk and handed one to Levi.
They both sat at the desk and Erwin drew a circle and lines going across them. “These are guidelines to help you draw a face.”
Levi nodded and drew the same thing on his paper.
Erwin continued to teach Levi how to draw different things, like eyes, noses, mouths, and the rest of the facial features. Levi learned surprisingly quickly. But every few moments Levi would yawn or rub his eyes. Erwin knew Levi had sleeping problems, Erwin helping him with them was mostly what brought them closer.
“You should try to sleep now Levi.”
Levi glanced at him. “Just a minute I want to finish this.” He said softly.
“Alright.” Erwin smiled.
“There I finished…It’s your eyes.” Erwin looked at the pair of eyes Levi drew, it had a significant amount of more details than his other drawings had.
“That’s beautiful Levi.” Erwin said while having the biggest smile on his face.
Levi looked at him, but then looked away. “Anyways, you’re right I should try to sleep now. It’s already late.”
Levi laid on the bed and he could see Erwin come into bed with him, but he couldn’t feel him at all.
————
Levi felt the sun in his eyes and he slowly opened his eyes. When he turned he saw Erwin’s sleeping face. He thought his eyes were playing tricks on him, but he remembered the events of the day before. He stared at Erwin’s face for a few more moments. He quietly grabbed Erwin’s sketchbook and a pencil. He drew all the guidelines like Erwin taught him, then he proceeded to add Erwin’s features. He erased constantly and redid so many parts, it had to be perfect. Levi didn’t want to ever forget what Erwin looked like. Once he was satisfied with his drawing he put the book back on the desk.
“Good morning” He heard Erwin mumble. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
“Morning…”
“Did you sleep well?” Erwin smiled at him.
“Yeah.” Levi said, but that was a complete lie. He woke up every so often and attempted to touch Erwin again, and when he couldn’t he cried himself to sleep.
“Did you ever paint?” Levi asked while putting some tea to boil.
“Yes I did. Would you like me to get some paints for you?” Erwin answered.
Levi paused for a bit, but eventually nodded.
“Alright, I can go get them today.” Erwin grinned.
Levi felt his heart beat faster as Erwin’s smile. But it also made his heart ache. He knew this wasn’t real. Erwin was dead. He saw him die. This was all some sick cruel joke that life was playing on him. But for now he would play along, because he missed Erwin so fucking much.
Levi distracted himself but preparing his tea. “Would you like some?” Levi asked quietly.
“Yes. Thank you.”
Levi passed a cap of tea to Erwin and sat down at his desk.
“Do you think other people can see me?” Erwin wondered out loud.
Levi paused and stared at him. “Well I doubt you’re even real, probably just some fucking figment of my imagination, so no, I don’t think other people can see you.”
Erwin didn’t say anything about it after that. They both just sat their drinking their tea in silence. Normally their silence was always comfortable, but now it just felt tense.
“I’m going to go get the paints now, i’ll be right back.”
Levi could tell Erwin was going to come place a kiss on his cheek like he used to do anytime he left the room. It was just instinct at this point. But Erwin stopped himself, forcing himself to just leave the room.
Levi was alone again. He opened up the sketchbook and stared at his drawing of Erwin. He picked up the pencil and starting drawing another picture. This time trying to draw Erwin from memory. The bright blue eyes that he would always wake up to see. His neat blonde hair that got messy while he slept. His thin but soft lips that would kiss him and make everything feel better. He made sure to draw Erwin smiling, he didn’t want to ever forget his smile.
Levi could have had the worst day, but he knew he would always come home to Erwin and that same damn smile would never fail in making him feel better. But Levi would be lying if he said that same smile didn’t also make him feel 10 times worse at times. He knew that smile wouldn’t last. He knew Erwin would never choose him. That was the reason Levi was in this situation, with Erwin as a ghost or whatever the fuck he was, and not as a real person. Erwin would always choose knowledge and freedom over him.
Levi was brought out of his thoughts as he heard the door open. He saw Erwin come in, with the same fucking smile. Levi didn’t know if it made him feel better or worse at the moment.
“I brought the paints, and I still haven’t discovered if other people can see me, there weren’t any people in the halls, I assume that’s a good thing though, that would be quite a shock to see me walking through the halls.” Erwin laughed.
“Yes quite.” Levi said with a bitter tone in his voice.
Erwin frowned slightly but placed the paints next to Levi on the desk. “I also brought you a canvas, canvases are hard to get around here, this was my last one. I’m glad you’re the one to use it.”
Levi took the canvas without a word and placed it in front of him. He stared at the blank canvas. Unsure of what to paint. He’s never painted before and he really only had a day’s worth of practice with drawing. But he picked up the paintbrush. Feeling the weight of it in his hands. He was reminded of the necklace around his neck.
Levi picked up the gray paint, he opened it and placed some on a tray Erwin brought him. He made quick guidelines for where everything was supposed to be. Exactly like Erwin taught him. He began rendering the face and everything else. All in gray monotone colors. He didn’t know if he had a clear idea for this painting, but before he knew it he was painting Erwin. His chiseled jaw, his neat short hair and his big bushy eyebrows. Then Levi paused for a moment, he then grabbed the blue paint. He could feel Erwin watching him but he opened the blue paint and painted the background a deep dark blue. Then added more figures to the background in black paint. Then he grabbed the red paint and Levi placed bright red paint onto the edges of Erwin’s jacket and placed two lines of red onto Erwin’s face, that we’re running down his eyes. They were tears. The bright red was an extreme contrast to the dark blues and grays.
“What is that supposed to be?” Erwin asked curiously as he stepped behind Levi to get a better look at the painting.
“A war.” Levi responded numbly.
“Oh I thought it was a drawing of me, but I wasn’t quite sure since there’s a lot of stuff going on.” Erwin chuckled softly.
“It’s a drawing of you as well.”
“But why are there titans and other people on it? Is it just for aesthetic purposes?”
“No the whole painting is you.”
Erwin’s eyebrows furrowed. He tilted his head and kept staring at the painting. Trying to figure out what Levi meant by that.
“That’s what you are, Erwin, a war. You are the embodiment of war. The war inside you, between only caring for yourself or for other people. The war everyone is facing between Titans and humans. And the war between us, between love and freedom. Erwin that’s all you are. And I knew that, but yet I still fell in love with you. I fell in love with a war. But even still i’m so in love with you Erwin Smith.
Levi turned around to face Erwin and he was met by nothing. He was gone. Levi smiled softly, but tears ran down his eyes. He guess he had to fully accept that before he could let Erwin go. He had to accept that Erwin would be gone forever but for fucks sake he still loved that man with all his heart.
At the bottom of his painting he wrote, “Of course i’ll love you in every life I live.”