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Christmas had come and gone, and it was two days before the New Year. Armed with his briefcase, Captain Dobey got out of his Cadillac and walked into the precinct. He was a man on a mission.
His life was full of stress. He had to turn to food for comfort, and he blamed it on Starsky and Hutch. How the dynamic duo were also responsible for some of the worst outcomes, in terms of Dobey's health, he wasn't sure.
Two months ago, he’d invited Starsky and Hutch for dinner over to his house. His two kids adored the two scoundrels. Rosey and Cal had showed Starsky and Hutch the family albums.
**
"This is Dad." Cal showed a picture of Dobey in his teens.
"And this is Aunt Mathilda," Rosey said, pointing to a photo taken at the Dobey family reunion, two years ago.
Once the kids were tucked in for the night, Starsky and Hutch had gone back to look through the family albums again.
Dobey had just started eating a slice of apple pie topped with two scoops of vanilla ice cream, when Starsky pointed at the photograph of young Harold Dobey. In the photo, he looked very athletic without an ounce of extra fat in his body. Of course, that was long before Starsky and Hutch came to his life.
Turning to Dobey, Starsky had asked, "Why are you so different now?"
Taking a deep breath, Dobey had glared at Starsky. He swallowed the mouthful of pie with great difficulty. He understood very well the difference Starsky was referring to.
"Your sister-" Hutch looked up from the album, and continued without missing a beat. "Looks just like you."
Dobey was well aware of the similarities Hutch was talking about. If it hadn't been for his wife, Edith, who had a soft-spot as big as the full moon for these two turkeys, Dobey would've made them sweat in uniforms doing traffic duty for the next two weeks.
**
Dobey stepped into his office and opened his briefcase. He took out a brown paper bag and threw it on his office desk. It contained a Christmas clothing item, wrapped rather clumsily. He was very pleased of himself. He eyed his well filled trousers and the belt that was struggling to hold everything together at the last hole. He would have to look for a size 40, soon, or was it a size 42? He wasn't sure!
Last month, Hutch had made fun of Dobey in a very subtle way. Hutch's father had been in town for some kind of a medical conference and had dropped by at the precinct. Dr. Hutchinson was just like Hutch, tall and… lean.
**
"He looks good, Hutch," Starsky said, sitting on Dobey's desk.
"Of course!" Hutch said smugly. "He takes good care of himself."
Then, minutes before Dobey left his office to attend the Thanksgiving gathering at the precinct, Starsky and Hutch approached him.
"Which do you think our Cap'n’s favorite holiday is?" Starsky directed the question to Hutch, leaning against Dobey's office door.
"Well… let me see…" Hutch thought for a while.
Putting up a show; that's what Hutch was doing! Dobey's breathing increased and one half of his upper lip tightened upwards. He walked past them, determined not to let their rudeness spoil the holiday. Dobey was going to enjoy all the Thanksgiving goodies waiting for him at the precinct lobby; turkey and stuffing, pumpkin and pecan pies, apple doughnuts, gingerbread, pumpkin bread, butter and rum muffins, bread pudding, butterscotch fudge bars, brownies, cheesecake tarts.
He filled his plate to his heart's desire and tucked into everything with gusto. Not even a half of it was gone when Starsky and Hutch came and sat with him. Hutch's plate was filled with green salad and fresh fruit. Starsky's plate was more like Dobey's. He had some fruit on his, most probably due to Hutch's influence, Dobey mused.
"You know, Cap'n, we want you around for a long, long time." Starsky stuffed a mouthful of sweet potato pie in his mouth.
"Wou think I fwud surfive wiff you fufoons meffing whiff me?" Dobey managed around his cheesecake. Damn it! Now he had gone through a whole bite of it without being able to enjoy the taste.
***
Dobey was ready. Show time! "Starsky, Hutchinson, in my office," he yelled.
The two detectives strolled into Dobey's room, closing the door behind them.
"You aren't leaving today unless you go through these expense receipts and write down where, when, and why these purchases were made." Dobey set two files on the table.
"What's this?" asked Starsky, using a pen and lifting a flap of the paper bag to take a peek.
"Ah, well…" Dobey stalled and scratched his head. "That's err… that's something Edith got for me for Christmas. But it's two sizes too small. I have to take it back to the store and exchange it." Dobey picked the package off the table and threw it on his chair. "You boys start working on those receipts. I will be back in a minute. I need to use the men's room."
Dobey walked away. However, he stood outside the office, with the door ajar and listened.
"What are you doing?" Hutch hissed.
Starsky was already on his way to Dobey's chair. "I just want to see what it is. Don't you?" Starsky asked, quietly.
"Ok. Go ahead. Make it quick, though." Hutch turned around to take a look at the door.
Dobey plastered himself against the wall, making sure he was well hidden. He smiled, knowing what was coming next.
"Holy shit!" Starsky exclaimed.
"A candy cane?" Hutch asked.
"A G-string!" Starsky answered. "Can you believe this? Look at the size of this thing."
"Starsky! Don't touch it!" Hutch muttered angrily.
"What? It's not gonna bite."
"Don't you know what may have been inside it?"
"Shit!"
The paper rustled as Starsky quickly wrapped the red underwear and put it back in the bag.
"Didn't Dobey say this was two sizes too small?" Hutch asked.
Starsky was back in his chair in a flash. "Can you even imagine how big-"
"Shhh!" Hutch said.
Dobey nearly suffocated trying to suppress his laughter.
"You know, Starsk…" Hutch said leaning towards his partner. "I think I'm gonna get sick."
"Me, too." Starsky sounded subdued. "Do you think it's even possible? I mean something as big as-"
"Shhh!" Hutch interrupted Starsky. "Enough!" he ordered. "Just concentrate on going through the receipts and getting the hell out of here."
"I can only think of-"
"Starsky!" Hutch warned.
Allowing another few minutes to get his composure back, Dobey walked back to the office. His two detectives were not looking him in the eye anymore.
"Can we do this at our desks?" Starsky asked.
"May we be excused?" asked Hutch at the same time.
"Sure! But I want those on my table before you leave, today. Understood?" Dobey said, firmly.
"Yes, Cap'n!" Starsky was out of the door in no time.
Hutch followed, stumbling over Starsky's chair, and apologizing.
Captain Dobey rubbed his palms together, grinning evilly. He patted his waistline, quite satisfactorily. That was one line, he was sure, his detectives would never cross again. He took the paper bag and stashed it back in his briefcase.