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Is it weird to worry about someone you've only met once in real life? Because Apollo is. He's worried about Steve. Steve has been getting quieter and quieter. There's hardly any elaborate spiels when he's gaming. No stabbing Ellum in the back any chance he gets. No wild dumb and dumber impulsive tag teaming. No griefing Janet. It's like he's there, but he's not.
Steve's self deprecating jokes have been getting meaner and sharper, and there's more of them. He's also been missing streams unannounced more often, and he straight up uninstalled Valo.
So yes, Apollo is worried. He's shot Steve a message or two, but the reply is either a superficial "I'm fine", or he's left on fucking read. A bunch of them are supposed to meet up in Vegas in a couple of days, but Steve hasn't been online for several days in a row now. Apollo is already in Vegas, checking out prospective houses with Hafu. Whenever there’s some time, he tries to ring Steve, but he keeps getting forwarded to the voicemail.
He's on his third try in as many minutes when he gets in the car with Hafu, to grab some food, and return to Hafu's place.
"You ok?" Hafu asks, when he sighs and puts the phone down again.
He looks at her, tapping his fingers against his leg. "Do you have Cib's number?"
"Cib?" She frowns, but immediately connects the dots. "Is Steve ok?"
"I don't know." He looks back at his phone, "I'm getting a bit worried, to be honest".
Hafu nods, and puts on her seat belt. "I think Cib's in the discord, maybe try that?"
-
When they get back to Hafu's apartment, Apollo manages to snag Cib’s number, and they agree to call. Cib seemingly hasn't noticed much out of the ordinary with regards to Steve, and when Apollo tells him that Steve isn't answering his phone, he can almost hear Cib shrug as he says "He gets moody sometimes."
This doesn’t diminish Apollo’s worries. "Can you still check on him for me?" he asks, "Please?"
"Sure, dude," Cib replies. Apollo hears the creaking of a chair, footsteps, and then loud knocking. It's quiet for a few seconds, until Cib knocks again.
"Fuck off, Cib!" Steve's voice sounds flat and far away, but that could be the phone .
There's a sound of a door opening, as Cib presumably walks into Steve's room. Apollo hears him talking to Steve. "Not if you don't pick up your phone, you lazy bitch."
Steve whines, and then there's a bang, as if something is thrown across the room. Apparently, whatever was thrown breaks, because Cib continues "That's what you get. Now talk to your friend," and then, "You're on speaker, Dumbdog."
"Hey bud," he says, tentatively.
It's quiet for a beat, but then Steve responds with a "Hey" even more tentative.
"How are you feeling?" Apollo asks.
"I'm fine," Steve says mechanically, "just tired"
Apollo doesn't believe that for a second. Everyone and their dog knows that I'm tired is code for I feel like shit. "That sucks, man. Are you not sleeping well?" He tries to get Steve to talk.
"Just tired," Steve repeats. "How are you?"
"Not great, to be honest," Apollo responds, "I've been worrying about you".
"Oh," Steve breathes, "Sorry. I should have answered the phone, sorry."
"That's ok, I've got you now," Apollo says. Steve hums noncommittally, and Apollo continues, "So, when's your flight to Vegas?"
“Er," says Steve, and then after a while, "Friday next week, I think?" which Apollo knows can’t be true, because that'd be a week too late.
"Steve," Apollo says gently, "Vegas is this weekend".
He hears Steve take a deep breath. "Really?" Steve asks in a flat voice, and when Apollo confirms, he says "Ugh, I'm so fucking stupid"
"Hey, chill out dude," Cib cuts in, "It's only Wednesday"
"Yeah, you're fine," Apollo adds. "It'll be fun to see everyone again, right?"
"I don't know, I..I miss you guys," Steve's voice cracks, and he takes a moment to compose himself "but I can't... No one will want to.. I.. It's just a lot ok?"
In that moment, Apollo recognises what's going on with Steve, and he makes a decision. He doesn't know if it's because he understands how Steve feels, or if it's because it's Steve (or perhaps both), but he knows that he needs to be there. "I'm coming to LA."
-
Things go quite fast after that. Apollo waves away Steve's objections about wasting his time, saying he was probably only going to play RuneScape anyway. He asks Cib to keep an eye on Steve, to make sure he takes care of himself. When Cib says he has other obligations in an hour or so, he calls Kimi and she agrees to hang out with Steve until Apollo gets there.
He gives Hafu and 5up an update about the situation. "You're very sweet," Hafu tells him, when he says he's going to LA. He manages to find a last minute flight that's actually affordable, and Hafu offers to drop him off at the airport. Apollo stuffs some clothes and a toothbrush in his bag, and grabs his phone, charger, keys, and ID. 5up makes him promise to tell Steve he'll bake him the best coffee cake he's ever had. Both of them tell Apollo to give Steve a big hug on their behalf.
-
He rings Kimi from the taxi on the way to Steve's place. She picks up almost immediately, and greets him in a low voice. "Hey Dumbdog".
"Hi. I'm nearly there, I think. How is he?"
"Pretty quiet. I've just been sitting here playing power washer. That game is so soothing! I thought maybe Steve would like that." She reacts to something Steve does, and talks away from the phone for a moment. "It's Dumbdog. He's almost here." Her voice grows louder when she addresses Apollo again. "Sorry. It's pretty weird talking about him as if he's not there."
"That's ok. You're doing good." He says, as the taxi pulls over. "Oh we've stopped. Can you come open the door for me?"
"Sure," Kimi chirps. She tells Steve that she'll be right back, and not to power wash any weird dicks on the house (normal dicks are ok), before she hangs up the phone.
A few moments later, the front door opens. Kimi gives him a fleeting smile, and puts her hand on his elbow as a greeting. she looks way less cheerful than she sounded on the phone, and Apollo can tell she's relieved to see him.
They exchange a few pleasantries as they make their way to Steve's room. Kimi doesn't knock, but just walks back in, pats Steve on the knee, plops herself down in Steve's chair, and continues power washing. "Let's see if you've behaved," she says, circling the house she's cleaning, "You know, I think you have, I don't see any naughty drawings. You are so polite, such a good boy."
Apollo snorts, and lets Kimi’s light-heartedness pull him over the threshold, into Steve's room. "He's not a dog."
Kimi sticks out her tongue and turns back to the game, continuing her running commentary. Apollo takes a moment to evaluate the situation. It's dark in Steve's room. The curtains are closed, and Apollo can tell by the smell that the window is closed too. Kimi has turned the monitor brightness way down so she doesn't get blinded.
The room is messy. Kimi's shoes and bag are by the door, and her vest is hanging off the back of the chair. There's some leftovers around her on the desk. The biggest mess however has definitely been caused by Steve. There's a plethora of musical instruments, covered in dirty clothes and pizza boxes. Steve's vape pen is on the floor, broken in half, amidst a half empty bag of crisps. There's a few cardboard boxes and plastic bags lying around, and what looks like a dried puddle of coffee. Apollo spots the cup peeking out from under the bed.
Then there's Steve. He's curled up on the bed, wearing some old joggers and a shirt that look like they haven't been changed in days. His long legs are tangled in the blanket, and his arms are curled around him; one around his waist, another hiding the bottom half of his face. He's staring at some point on the wall vaguely in Kimi's direction. His hair is greasy and lies flat, he's got massive bags under his eyes, and even though it's hard to tell in this light, Apollo thinks his eyes are red. All in all, not a good look.
Apollo takes a deep breath, and walks over towards the bed. "Hey man," he says, and sits down at the end of the bed, near Steve's feet. He doesn't get a response, only a soft groan and Steve's eyes flicker over to where he just sat down for an instant. "Is it ok if I sit on the bed?"
He's not expecting a response to this either, so he takes off his shoes and crawls over to the top end of the bed, where he can lean against the wall. He grabs a pillow for back support, and takes some time fluffing it up. He's relieved to be here, relieved to see Steve with his own eyes, but now that he's here, he really doesn't know how he can help.
For a while he just sits there, close to Steve, but not quite touching. A part of him would like to reach out, to provide a comforting touch, but he stops himself, not convinced that his touch would be welcome. Instead he hopes that Steve just feels a little safer with him and Kimi around.
And even though Steve is mostly unresponsive, he's calm. He’s breathing evenly, and his body is relaxed. Apollo lets Steve's breathing and Kimi's soft chatting wash over him, and he starts to doze off. He shakes his head to wake himself up. His body will not thank him if he goes to sleep in this position.
He looks at his phone. It's already past midnight. He clears his throat. "I'm kind of tired. Maybe we should arrange the whole sleeping situation?"
Kimi stops power washing, and looks at the time. "Yeah, good plan. One of us could sleep on the couch. Or, all three of us would probably fit in the bed."
Apollo hums in agreement. "If Steve's ok with that." He looks down. "Steve?" Steve gives the tiniest nod. "Ok great, bud. How about we put some clean sheets on the bed?"
Steve looks embarrassed, but nods again.
"Right, here's an idea," Apollo continues. "Why don't you take a bath, or a shower, or whatever, and Kimi and I will clean up a bit?" He gets out of the bed, and holds out a hand for Steve.
Steve takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and reaches for Apollo's hand. Apollo smiles encouragingly, and pulls Steve up to standing. Steve doesn't move after that, though, he just stands there looking lost. Apollo doesn't let go of his hand. "I can help you," he says, before looking at Kimi. "Kimi, do you mind making the bed?"
"Sure, I can do that," she responds, and immediately starts looking for clean sheets.
"Thanks," Apollo says, and he pulls Steve's hand to lead him to the bathroom. He closes the toilet lid, and sits Steve down, before rummaging through the cupboards in search of towels and soap. "I'll talk you through it, ok, bud?" He places the towel in a dry spot, and puts the soaps in the shower, before turning the water on, and trying to find a pleasant temperature. "Why don't you undress."
He hears some rustling behind him, and when it quiets, he continues. "Hop on in, the water's nice and warm."
Steve complies, and Apollo claims his spot on the closed toilet. He hums softly, only stopping to give Steve directions. Small tasks, so that he doesn't get overwhelmed; so that he doesn't have to think. Before he knows it, the water stops running. He hands Steve the towel and tells him to dry off, whilst he himself pops out to find a pair of pyjamas.
In the short time he was gone, Kimi has accomplished a lot. She hasn’t just put clean sheets on the bed, but she has also gotten rid of most of the trash that was lying around. The pizza boxes, coffee cups, and other leftovers are all gone. The window has been opened, to let in some fresh air, and the clothes are in the hamper. Apollo dumps the clothes that Steve was wearing in there as well. "Nice job, Kimi, you're a saint," he says, as he looks through Steve's closet.
"No problem," she smiles. "I'm glad to do something useful."
Apollo nods. "Yeah, it feels miserable to see him so down and not be able to do anything about it."
"I think he's glad we're here," Kimi says. "So you are helping. Sometimes things can't be fixed, but it helps to know that you're not alone."
Apollo helps Steve change into his pyjamas and brush his teeth, before walking him back to his room, and tucking him in. Kimi is already in bed. He hurries to brush his own teeth and get changed himself, before crawling in on the other side of Steve. Steve really does have a big bed, and Apollo is very grateful for it right now. He rolls onto his side, facing the two of them, and lets their soft breathing lull him to sleep.
-
He's always been a light sleeper, so it's no surprise when he wakes up in the middle of the night. It takes him a moment to get his bearings; before he realises where he is and why. He rubs his eyes, and turns his attention to Steve. The calm, unresponsive mood Steve was in earlier is now gone. He's restless, tossing and turning, and breathing superficially and shakily. Every now and then a soft whine escapes his clenched jaw. His hands are fluttering, alternating between pulling his hair, and hitting and pinching himself in frustration, with enough force to leave marks.
Any restraint Apollo might have had before is now gone; he just wants to comfort his friend. He reaches out, and ever so gently takes Steve's hands in his own, untangling them from his hair. "Shhh, Steve, it's ok."
Now that Steve knows Apollo is awake, he clearly tries to calm himself down; tries to pretend he's fine. He takes a shaky breath, and says "Sorry. Shit, sorry for waking you up", in an unstable voice.
Apollo lets go of one of Steve's hands, and brushes Steve's hair out of his face. Next, he carefully grabs Steve's chin, and turns his head so they face each other. Steve's cheeks are wet with tears, and Apollo's heart breaks for him. He squeezes Steve's hand, looks him in the eyes, and says "I mean it, Steven. It's ok. You don't have to hold back."
Steve's lower lip shakes, his face scrunches up, and he sobs harshly. Apollo reaches out, and pulls Steve against his chest, wrapping his arms around him, and just holds him while he cries. He feels Steve's body shake with sobs; feels his shirt get damp from the snot and the tears. Steve holds on to him as if Apollo is the only thing saving him from drowning. Apollo whispers to Steve that it'll be ok, and to let it all out. He whispers that Steve’s friends love him, that he loves him, and when he's out of things to whisper, he just hums a soothing melody. And slowly, very slowly, he feels Steve calm down. His breathing gets deeper, and he relaxes in Apollo's arms. Apollo strokes his hair, and doesn't stop humming until after Steve falls asleep. He doesn't let go of Steve, even after he falls asleep himself.
-
He wakes up to a soft conversation. Steve is still in his arms, but he has turned around to face Kimi. The two of them are talking about hairdressers, and Kimi is trying to convince Steve to dye his hair. She pushes herself up to her elbows and moves her own hair onto Steve's face, seeing if her peach colour would suit him.
She meets Apollo's eyes. "Oh, good morning, Dumbdog," she smiles at him. "What do you think, is peach a good colour on Steve?"
He laughs. "I don't know. Steve, turn around, so I can see"
Steve rolls over, away from Apollo. He meets Apollo's eyes for a split second, and then looks away. He looks a bit embarrassed, as if he’s afraid that Apollo regrets letting Steve cry on him; as if he’s afraid that Apollo will want nothing to do with him after what happened last night. Apollo pulls him closer, hopefully dispelling that notion, and pushes Steve's curls back. "Go, Kimi," he says, and she drapes her hair around Steve's face.
He purses his lips, and pretends to consider for a good ten seconds. "Devastatingly handsome," he says, "as always", and then laughs when Steve punches him on the arm.
"Let's see if you can pull it off," Steve sneers.
Kimi claps her hands, her hair falling off Steve's face. "Ohh yes, we could be the peach gang". She clambers over the both of them, and settles behind Apollo.
When Kimi places her hair around Apollo's face, Steve laughs. It's not loud, nor exuberant, but it is genuine. He'd be insulted, if he wasn't so happy to see Steve smile. Kimi starts laughing as well.
"Well, thanks guys," Apollo pouts. "I was going to give up my middle spot to whoever gave me the best compliment, but seeing as you guys are just mean..." he trails off.
Immediately, Kimi launches into an avalanche of exaggerated compliments.
"Nope, nope. You're too late," he tells her, as he rolls onto his back.
"Fine," she responds, and plops her head down on his shoulder, "be my pillow then."
Apollo wraps his arm around Kimi, and holds out his free arm for Steve. Steve hesitates for a second, but when Apollo places his hand on Steve’s arm, and smiles at him something shifts in Steve’s eyes. He doesn't smile back, but he does move in, and wraps himself around Apollo
The three of them stay in bed together the entire day. They order food, listen to music, chat, watch tv, and order some more food. Steve is still quiet, but he’s mostly relaxed, and when he does get fidgety, Kimi and Apollo each take one of his hands in their own.
At some point, Apollo goes to the bathroom, and when he gets back, Steve’s head is resting on Kimi’s shoulder, and she’s stroking his hair and saying sweet things. Apollo gets into the bed on the other side of Steve, slings an arm around Steve’s waist, and takes the best nap of his life. He wakes up to Steve and Kimi’s laughter, and he doesn’t think he can feel happier than he does at this moment.
-
“I should probably see someone about the whole..” Steve waves a hand around, “..depression pity party, right?” He glances up at Apollo, who’s sitting across from him at the restaurant in Vegas, before looking back down at his food.
“It might help,” Apollo says. “Do you want to?”
Steve sighs, and leans back in his chair. He extends his freakishly long legs, one of which ends up against Apollo’s ankle. He stretches his arms, and folds his hands behind his neck. Looking up at the ceiling, he says “I don’t know. On the one hand I’ve had enough of feeling like this, but on the other hand, it’s really not that bad. So many people are dealing with so much more. Fuck, I’ve dealt with more. Yeah, I feel bad sometimes, but it’s not like I actively want to die or anything.” He laughs without humour.
"That's kind of a low bar, don't you think?" Apollo says. "There's other possibilities besides only fine and suicidal."
Steve shrugs. “What do I have to complain about? I love my job, I love my friends, I’m healthy, I’m pretty rich. I just get sad sometimes. Well, guess what, everyone gets sad sometimes.”
“Sure,” Apollo agrees, “but everyone does not spiral and end up not leaving their bed for days.”
“I can handle it.”
“You don’t have to, though. That’s the whole point. What have you got to lose?” He lets Steve consider that for a moment, before adding “I’ve been before,” When Steve meets his eyes, he adds, “for my anxiety.”
“Did it help?” Steve asks.
“I’d like to think so. At the very least it made me kinder to myself. Like, yeah, I still get fucking anxious, but at least now I don’t hate myself for it. And I can use that energy to take a risk every now and then. I mean, I definitely would never have hopped on a last minute flight to a place I’d never been to, to hang with someone I’d only seen once before without a second thought” He grins at Steve.
Steve doesn’t smile. “Yeah, sorry about that.”
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I would have done it either way. I’d do it again, if you wanted me there.”
Now Steve does smile, tilting his head a little to the side. “I don’t deserve a friend like you.”
“Maybe,” Apollo laughs, “but you’ve got me anyway.”
“Ok, I’ll consider it,” Steve says, and they let the conversation flow back to lighter topics.
-
At the end of the night, they step outside, and Steve grabs Apollo’s wrist in his hand. He waits until Apollo turns back and looks him in the eyes. “Thank you,” he says softly.
They embrace in the middle of a sidewalk, to the chagrin of several passers-by. Steve flips them all off. Apollo laughs, and when Steve says “Love you, Dumbdog” in that singsong voice, he laughs some more.
“Love you, Steve.”